THE WALKING DEAD

5 02 2016

1SMB
Allies
In the news today: Accused plunderer Juan Ponce Enrile has announced he would campaign for presidential candidate Jojo Binay. In totally unrelated news, social anthropologists have completely debunked the old adage, ‘Ang magnanakaw ay galit sa kapwa magnanakaw.”

Freedom
Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile is confident he’ll be a free man once his trial is over. In fact, the signs are encouraging: he was granted bail; he’s back at the Senate, and Jojo Binay is ahead in the surveys.

Miraculous
Scientists at the Lilly & Putt Laboratories in the Bahamas are reportedly studying the “miraculous” recovery of Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile. The lawmaker appeared to be very sickly while still in detention but sprang back to good health after posting bail. The scientists believe Enrile has a rare case of Sakitsakitanitis palusotium.

Birthday Boy
Senate Minority Leader Juan Ponce Enrile turns 92 on February 14. Yup, he’s already 92 and tireless. With Vice President Binay, Mang Johnny promises to lead UNA to victory in the coming elections. To those asking about the UNA hierarchy , Binay is the chairman of the party while Enrile is the corpse commander.

Addressing questions about his health, Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile said, “Sa mga nag-iisip na sana patay na ako, you will have your wish one day.” To which one shocked Senate reporter said, “You’re still alive?!”

1Makati
Poor
Vice President Binay’s spokesman Joey Salgado says the number of poor Filipinos has increased under the Aquino administration. Salgado made the statement shortly after looking out the window of his posh condo unit and saw the slums of Makati City.

Historic
San Miguel Beer overcome a 0-3 game deficit to clinch the PBA Philippine Cup title against Alaska Milk. Basketball fanatics described the seemingly improbable feat as “SMB coming back from the dead.” Or as political observers would call it, the “Enrile syndrome.”

1BEnrile
SMB Coach Leo Austria says even if you’re in the bottom, do not give up because “Miracles are just around the corner.” His words will likely inspire basketball players, other coaches, and Mar Roxas.

First Ladies
Mayor Rodrigo Duterte says if he becomes president his first wife and his current girlfriend will have separate rooms in Malacañang. Even Joseph Estrada was like, “Gago!”

If he becomes president, Mayor Duterte vows to provide separate rooms for his first wife and his current girlfriend in Malacañang. When sought for a reaction, Mayor Erap said he would never ever do that – mainly because there would be a shortage of rooms.

Taiwan Traffic
The mayor of Taipei City has threatened to sack Department of Transportation Commissioner Chung Hui-yu for her department’s failure to solve the city’s recent traffic problems. Motorists have also called for the resignation of Hui-yu, a senior transportation planner who has a master’s degree from the Jun Abaya School of Management.
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“What is it about the government and its agents and employees that they can lie to us with impunity, but we risk being sent to jail if we lie to them?”
~Andrew P. Napolitano

Sound Bites
“I am for Jojo Binay. I will bet on Binay. Why would I bet on someone who will lose?”
~Juan Ponce Enrile

‘Wag bobo sa Mayo.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Enrile; Rappler; Makati slums: Inquirer.Net; SMB: Rappler]

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