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5 04 2015

THE LONG vacation has come to an end. Those who repented during the Holy Week break can go back now to being their usual, despicable selves. Welcome back!

1Easter
The season of Lent is over. According to the Bible, after the arrest, trial, crucifixion, and death of Jesus, he shockingly returned in the end. Fans of ‘The Walking Dead’ call it, “season finalé.”

Revamp
Sec. Herminio ‘Sonny’ Coloma is out as presidential spokesperson. He was reportedly replaced by TESDA director general Joel Villanueva who has impressed the President with his performance. Under Villanueva’s leadership, TESDA has created an unprecedented number of jobs. And TV commercials.

joel
Hardworking TESDA chief Joel Villanueva will soon be very visible as he’s just been appointed presidential spokesperson. Sources say the President has several reasons for appointing Villanueva to the post. And by several, we mean a lot – like hundreds perhaps, or a thousand or 2,016. We don’t know.

Sample Q & A With Presidential Spokesman Joel Villanueva

Q: Secretary, is it true that the President is sick and he’s keeping the truth from the public?
V: That’s not true. And even if he’s sick, he must not be afraid. As Jeremiah 30:17 said, “For I will restore health to you, and your wounds I will heal, declares the Lord.” Next question please…

Q: Sir, sabi ng Makabayan bloc, the President is a liar and has not told the entire truth about the Mamasapano incident. Your reaction…
V: The President respects the militants’ right to free speech but this I tell you, “On the day of judgment. people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.” Matthew Chapter 12, Verses 36 and 37.

Q: Sir, are you running for senator in the next election?
V: To be honest, I have not made a decision. But if it’s God’s will, who am I to refuse?  “’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” Jeremiah 29:11. Last question please.

Q: Secretary, there have been rumors that the President is dating Pia Wurtzbach. Are they exclusively dating?
V: Ha-ha Kayo talaga. It’s a personal and very private matter between the President and Ms. Wurtzbach. As 1 Thessalonians 4:11 said, “Aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs.” Thank you.

1Easter
Income Tax
The month of April has become synonymous with taxes. As residents of Makati City, we should remit our taxes promptly this year. Two mayors are now counting on us.

The BIR has a TV ad that shows where your taxes go: infrastructure, education, and social services. Politicians were offended by the apparent snub.

Corruption58180549_20141021145050
When my friends and I started working, we were told that our taxable income would be significantly reduced if we had “dependents.” So on the BIR form, we made a list of people who depended on us: senators, congressmen, governors, and mayors.

All public servants are also required to file their Statement of Assets, Liabilities, and Networth or SALN on or before the April 30 deadline. Sources say this early, President Aquino has accomplished his SALN form. Under ‘Liability,’ he wrote, ‘Alan Purisima.’

1Makati
Hakot System?
A Makati City resident admits people who are gathered at the city hall are being paid 300 pesos for 12 hours and 500 pesos for 24 hours. Critics describe them as “hakot.” The Binays insist they’re “self-employed.”

Hundreds of Makati City residents are brought to the city hall every day just to sit there and kill time. And they each receive 300 pesos for that. Yes, these people get paid for absolutely doing nothing. Who do you think you are?! Congressmen?!?

Emergency Landing
An EasyJet A320 flight heading to Kosovo from Geneva was forced to make an emergency landing in Rome because a ‘hungry’ passenger became impatient and punched a stewardess. The airline has denied rumors that the passenger was a washed-up actress from the Philippines.
———————————————————————————————————————————-
“Collecting more taxes than is absolutely necessary is legalized robbery.”
~Calvin Coolidge

Sound Bites
“Long-winding, repetitious, irrelevant, unprepared homilies are signs of a sick spiritual life of the priest.”
~Archbishop Soc Villegas

Have a productive April!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Jesus: Photo Image Search.Com; TESDA; BIR; Corruption: Urduwire.Com; Makati: Rappler]

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One response

7 04 2015
rainingblimps

Reblogged this on Wrath of The Guardians.

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