THE SANDIGANBAYAN is apparently taking more time studying Juan Ponce Enrile’s case. To avoid delays in coming up with a ruling, the anti-graft court divided the Enrile documents into three: Paleolithic, Mesolithic and Neolithic.

Once arrested, Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile will undergo booking procedures including mugshot taking, fingerprinting and carbon dating.

If Enrile is arrested, President Aquino says the courts should consider his advanced age. Enrile loyalists are talking about house arrest or hospital arrest. Outraged taxpayers prefer cardiac arrest.

Juan Ponce Enrile is probably familiar with life in jail. He was detained for rebellion 24 years ago when he was just an old man.

Sen. Antonio Trillanes says Enrile should not be placed in a regular detention cell because old men (like JPE) have “special needs.” And Gigi Reyes was like, “I know, right?”

Some police officials say the PNP Custodial Center could get too hot for Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile. Related: Warm temperature hastens decomposition.

Beleaguered senator Juan Ponce Enrile says, “I will fight for the truth as long as I breathe.” You mean he’s still alive?

Reports say Enrile will bring a Nelson Mandela book to jail. In fact, supporters are comparing him with the South African leader. Mandela was a statesman, Enrile is a statesman. Mandela was jailed, Enrile was also jailed. Mandela had three wives; Enrile had three lives.

1jeCrame Chronicles
Jinggoy Estrada surrendered to authorities on Monday, June 23. In Camp Crame, PNP medical personnel took his vital signs. They were “essentially normal” — 76 beats per minute; 110 over 70, and 34-22-33.

Supporters of Jinggoy Estrada expressed their support for the embattled actor-politician by wearing shirts marked: “It might be stormy now, but the sun will shine again.” To which, the sun said, “I’m not really sure.”

Crame Chronicles II
Reports say Bong Revilla spotted rats and cockroaches inside his detention cell in Camp Crame. In a shocking turn of events, the rats and cockroaches staged a rally to protest the PNP’s decision to accommodate more pests in the facility.

Bong Revilla reported seeing “rats as big as cats.” Not to be outdone, the rats reported seeing “crocodiles as tall as humans.”

Bong Revilla has been complaining of migraine because of the heat inside his detention cell. His wife, Lani Mercado says, “Kailangan ng hangin sa loob.” The PNP acted swiftly: they sent Jinggoy in.

Following her husband’s arrest, Cavite Rep. Lani Mercado vowed not to attend President Aquino’s State of the Nation Address in July. Yes, she’s boycotting the event – or as Paul Cabral would call it, “lost income.”

Congresswoman Lani Mercado will boycott the joint session of Congress next month. When they heard this, the skeletons of Claro M. Recto and Jose W. Diokno couldn’t stop laughing and said, “As if!”

Working Visit
President Aquino was in Japan last Tuesday for a peace forum. He sought Tokyo’s advice on how to deal with disputes, China, and Nora Aunor fans.

National Artist
Of the six National Artist nominees submitted by the search committee, President Aquino chose only five, and junked award-winning actress Nora Aunor. Sources say Ate Guy was snubbed because of ‘morality’ issues. And Kris Aquino reacted, “‘Buti na lang ‘di ako mahusay na artist.”

For his apparent snub of the country’s ‘Superstar,’ the President was heavily criticized, lambasted, and ridiculed – prompting Kris Aquino to speak out and declare that his brother is not a pig.

Pac Them
The Pasay City RTC ordered Cebu Pacific to pay 2 million pesos in damages to a passenger who was barred from taking her flight due to psoriasis, a non-communicable, non-infectious skin disease. Netizens hailed the ruling but expressed fear that Cebu Pacific’s payment will be delayed.

Goodbye Miami?
LeBron James has decided to opt out of his contract with the Miami Heat. The guy used to play for the Cleveland Cavaliers. He could be playing for either the Rockets or the Bulls next season. LeBron James is the Loren Legarda of the NBA.
“Every society has the criminals it deserves.”
~Emma Goldman, Red Emma Speaks

Sound Bites
“Senator Revilla is not on vacation at Camp Crame. Spending time in detention is not supposed to be like a hotel accommodation.”
~Philippine National Police

“The mere fact na makukulong na naman ako, tumatayo ng balahibo ko e. Iniisip ko ang mga anak ko.”
~Jinggoy Estrada

“I believe they’ll just have to man up. They have to make up their minds if they want to fight this through, play out that role as innocent men being subjects of injustice, or they’re just playing the role of guilty men who will use every loophole in the legal system to get out of this. So they have to make up their minds.”
~Sen. Antonio Trillanes’s advice to Jinggoy and Bong

This is just moving. Dying man marries his girlfriend in the hospital. Ten hours later, he said goodbye.

Poll Results
Sang-ayon ka ba sa desisyon ng Commission on Higher Education na alisin ang pagtuturo ng Filipino sa kolehiyo?
-NO 60.53%
-YES 31.58%
-Wala akong pakialam. Hindi ako apektado.

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Author: professionalheckler

See About the Heckler


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