ASH WEDNESDAY marks the start of Lent. Usually, Christians give up something for Lent. Some people give up certain food or drink while others give up smoking. Benhur Luy gave up his lawyer.

The Pope
Pope Francis accidentally uttered the Italian equivalent of the word ‘fuck’ while delivering a sermon at the Vatican’s Apostolic Palace the other day. Instead of saying caso (meaning, example), the Pope uttered Adele Dazeem.

Senate Minority Leader Juan Ponce Enrile’s estranged wife Cristina appeared on Winnie Monsod’s talk show last Monday. Cristina confirmed that Enrile and his former chief of staff, lawyer Gigi Reyes were having an affair. Or as the Pope would accidentally say, ‘f*cking.’

Of the Enrile-Gigi Reyes romance, Cristina Enrile said, “I dont’ think it’s an affair anymore. It’s a necessity. He needs her for his work.” To which, Janet Lim-Napoles said, “I know, right?”

According to Senate Minority Leader Juan Ponce Enrile, Cristina’s revelations were just “suspicions of a wife.” In the same interview, Cristina said Enrile was a womanizer but he was never a thief. Of course, that’s just a suspicion of a wife.

Cristina Enrile told Mareng Winnie that Senator Enrile had 38 different affairs. Thirty-eight! Or as Ramon Revilla Sr. would say, “Beginner.”

It’s the tax season once again. Corrupt lawmakers and politicians call it Christmas.

The Bureau of Internal Revenue has launched a new campaign against tax evaders. The BIR’s message is very clear. There are two types of taxpayers: the honest ones, and doctors.

The BIR’s controversial print ad carried the message: “When you don’t pay your taxes, you’re a burden to those who do.” And Lucio Tan was like, “Whatevs.”

Forbes has released its list of the world’s billionaires. The Philippines has 10. The wealthiest list includes Henry Sy, Lucio Tan, Andrew Tan, Enrique Razon, John Gokongwei Jr., David Consunji, George Ty, Ton Tan Caktiong, Robert Coyiuto Jr., and Andrew Gotianun. In the Forbes article, these men shared some tips on how to get rich. Tip No. 1: You should be Chinese.

Forbes has released the list of the world’s wealthiest people. Ten billionaires came from the Philippines: Sy, Tan, another Tan, Gokongwei. Consunji, Caktiong, Coyiuto, Gotianun, Ty and Spanish mestizo Razon. The list was “so Chinese” even Enrique Razon doubted his Spanish lineage for a moment.

In Tanauan City, Batangas… a man who stole dried fish was publicly shamed by the mayor by making him walk, hands tied behind him, through the city streets with the sign, “Ako ay magnanakaw.” The remorseful man begged for compassion and forgiveness so the mayor agreed to change the sign to “Ako ay senador.”

The Commission on Human Rights says what the mayor did to the suspected thief was “a clear, gross violation of human rights.” But according to the mayor identified as Thony Halili, the man was a repeat offender and there was “no other way of making him stop other than shaming him.” Halili’s action was lauded by BIR Commissioner Kim Henares.

[Personal: I’d like to meet the mayor and ask why his first name has an h. I’m really bothered.]

movieKris and Bimby
In her talk show, Kris Aquino revealed that her 6-year-old son Bimby once asked her, “Mama, so Kuya and I have different papas, right? So that means you had sex with two men?” You have no idea kid. You have no idea.

At six, Bimby surprisingly knows things about sex. In other news, President Aquino is 54. #WalaLang
“The only thing worse than the guilt was the fear of getting caught.”
~Elin Hilderbrand, A Summer Affair

Sound Bites
“I don’t think it’s an affair anymore. It’s a necessity.”
~ Cristina Castañer Enrile on the affair of her husband Juan Ponce Enrile with his chief of staff Gigi Reyes

“So kasalanan lahat ng mga babae? Walang kasalanan si senator kasi lalaki lang siya, natural lang. Gano’n ba?”
~ Lawyer Gigi Reyes reacting to Cristina Enrile’s revelations

“It’s not insulting; it’s just making a statement of fact. ‘Di ba, there’s a saying, ‘Batu-bato sa langit, ang tamaan ‘wag magalit.'”
~ BIR Commissioner Kim Henares

Poll Results
Kung magkakatoo ang sinulat ng journalist na si Ellen Tordesillas, alin sa mga sumusunod na tandem ang susuportahan mo sa 2016?

Wala na bang iba? 65.57%
Masyado pang maaga! 15.3%
Mar Roxas – Chiz Escudero 10.93%
Jejomar Binay – Tony Meloto 4.92%
Alan Peter Cayetano – Sonny Trillanes 3.28%

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

(Photos: Rappler, BIR, Kris Aquno’s IG)

Author: professionalheckler

See About the Heckler

7 thoughts on “SEX, LIES, AND SENATORS”

  1. Good day Sir Landicho!
    May we invite you to talk in our seminar this coming monday, March 10 at the PUP Manila regarding Social Media. May i know if you’re you free by then? Can we get your email address so we can attach the full details of the said event? Thank you and we’re really looking forward to your consideration. Mabuhay po kayo! =)


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