REJECTED

18 01 2014

ACCUSED OF POCKETING millions of pesos in pork barrel funds through his friend, suspected PDAF scam queen Janet ‘Jenny’ Lim-Napoles, BONG REVILLA is set to deliver a privilege speech on Monday, January 20, 2014. Coincidentally, January 20 was earlier declared by Malacañang as a National Day of Prayer. With what we’re about to hear on Monday, I think everyone should pray for patience and maximum tolerance.

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Top 10 Rejected Opening Lines from the Drafts of Bong Revilla’s Privilege Speech

No. 10: “Marami na po akong naikuwento sa aking programa sa telebisyon. Ngunit ngayong hapon, mapapakinggan n’yo na ang Kap’s Most Amazing Story ng taon!”

No. 9: “Sa totoo lang, nais ko na sanang manahimik tungkol sa isyung ito. Ngunit apektado na talaga ang aking mga pamilya. I mean, ang aking pamilya. Sweetheart, sorry. Sleep of the tongue. Hihihi”

No. 8: “Ladies and gentlemen, kung online po kayo habang nanonood o nakikinig sa akin, gamitin n’yo ang hastags na #Got2BelieveBong. Thank you. (Sino ba naman kasing nagpauso ng katarantaduhang tag tag na ‘yan!)”

No. 7: “Bago ako magsimula, gusto kong magparating ng mainit na pagbati sa isang tapat na kaibigan. Belated happy birthday Jenny Napoles! Sa mga supporters ko sa gallery, samahan n’yo ako sa pag-awit. 1… 2… 3: Happy birthday to you… Louder!”

No. 6: “Walang uuwi after ng speech. May raffle!”

No. 5: “Congratulations muna sa MMFF for a record-breaking festival. Kung ‘di lang ako nasangkot sa pork barrel scam, may entry sana ako. Tse!”

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No. 4: ♪ ♫ “Lord, patawad / ‘Pagkat ako’y makasalanan ♪ ♫ / Makasalanang nilalang / Lord patawad… ” ♪ ♫ (Repeat chorus 2x)

No. 3: Mga minamahal kong kababayan, wala akong ninakaw ni singko sa kaban ng… wait lang. I’m not under oath, right? Naniniguro lang. Let me continue…

No. 2: Dahil mahal ko ang aking bayan at ayaw kong madamay ang Senado sa kinasasangkutan kong iskandalo, I am submitting my irrevocable resignation effective… ‘Tang-i*a, hindi ito ang inapruban kong speech ah. Sandali! Your honor, can we have a 10-minute break?”

And the No. 1 rejected opening line from Bong Revilla’s privilege speech…
Ngayong hapon, patutunayan ko po sa inyong lahat na walang katotohanan ang persistent rumor that I put the ‘bong’ in ‘mandarambong.’
————————————————————————
“Political speeches are like steer horns. A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.”
~Alfred E. Neuman

Sound Bites
“Bukas naman ang tanggapan ko kung sino ang gustong makipag-usap sa akin. Pumunta siya dito sa opisina, humingi siya ng paumanhin.”
~BIR Commissioner Kim Henares (Read full report here.)

Have a safe and romantic weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Rappler, Philippine Daily Inquirer]

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