RUMORS, FACTOIDS, AND HUMOR

20 09 2013

Totally Baseless Information On or About Political Figures, People in Government, and Other Personalities In the News


1: Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile stopped eating pork and beef when he turned 80 years old. He’s now 89 and eats only fish. His all-time favorite is “GG.”

2: In her high school yearbook, Janet ‘Jenny’ Lim-Napoles was described as “Most Likely to Get Away With A Crime Due to Connections.”

3: Jinggoy Estrada is into zumba. He also attends a yoga class thrice a week.

4: When the pork barrel scam story first came out, at least nine senators opened new bank accounts in the Caribbean. One Cabinet member closed a Metrobank account.

5: Janet Lim-Napoles had a cameo in Bong Revilla’s 2002 MMFF entry “Agimat.” She played the role of a witch who terrorized a community. In the closing credits though, “Janet Napoles – As herself” appeared.

6: In her past life, lawyer Lorna Kapunan was a geisha.

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7: Incumbent Masbate governor and former representative Rizalina Seachon-Lanete (who was charged with plunder) loves the color orange. In a radio interview, she admitted that all her clothes, including her panties, brassieres, and corsets were orange. One of her daughters is named Carrota.

8: Juan Ponce Enrile’s former chief of staff, Gigi Reyes who is also facing plunder charges has left the country. She communicates with Enrile through Skype or Facetime before going to bed every night.

9: When Jeane Napoles celebrated her 18th birthday, the traditional 18 candles were replaced by 18 Rolex watches while the 18 roses became 18 Louis Vuitton bags.

10: Bong Revilla has lost 12 lbs. since the PDAF scandal broke out. He has also started taking anti-depressants.

11: After drawing flak for her controversial statement on pork barrel, Lani Mercado was ordered gagged by the Revilla clan.

12: Janet ‘Jenny’ Lim-Napoles is a dominatrix.

13: A corrupt senator’s corrupt chief of staff receives a monthly salary of P50,000 only. But every quarter, s/he gets an additional P5-million per approved transaction with a bogus NGO.

14: In grade school, Benhur Luy was once named Mr. Talent in the Mr. and Ms. Nutrition contest. His talent was forging signatures.


15: When his name was mentioned by talent manager Lolit Solis on radio, Executive Secretary Paquito ‘Jojo’ Ochoa unfriended Janet and Jimmy Napoles on Facebook. He has since deactivated the account.

16: Janet Lim-Napoles’ code name for Jojo Ochoa was ‘Tagay.’ Ochoa’s code name for Napoles was ‘ILONGga.’

17: JLN Corp’s office is at Unit 2502 in Discovery Suites. Asked why she chose 2502, Janet Napoles’ once boasted, “250 senators and congressmen mula sa two Houses of Congress ang hawak ko sa bayag.”

18: When Joseph Estrada was first told about Jinggoy Estrada’s alleged involvement in another fund scandal, he allegedly quipped, “May bago ba do’n?”

18.1: Everytime Jinggoy Estrada tells a lie, he gains a pound.

19: A recent survey revealed 6 in 10 lawmakers have met and partied with Janet Lim-Napoles. The rest are liars who are going to rot in hell anyway.

20: Former senator and now, Manila Standard Today columnist Kit Tatad will drop another bombshell: President Aquino was having dinner with Nur Misuari in Basilan when Zamboanga City was attacked by MNLF rebels.

21: Nur Misuari’s full name is Nuraanur Villamayor Misuari. His mother, Marie Lyn (who married a Muslim scholar she met in UP) was originally from Bicol.

22: On a scale of Frank Drilon to Loren Legarda, the average sexiness of senators is Nancy Binay. On a scale of Lito Lapid to Miriam Defensor-Santiago, the average Senate IQ is Tito Sotto.

23: Manny Pacquiao recites Biblical passages whenever he makes love to Jinkee.

24: A private, non-commissioned study showed DILG Sec. Mar Roxas had the longest television exposure among government officials this year on a per minute basis. As of Sept. 16, his total TV exposure was 234 minutes while President Aquino was exposed for about 198 minutes. Rounding out the top 5 were Vice President Jejomar Binay, DOJ Sec. Leila De Lima, and Health Assistant Secretary Dr. Eric Tayag.

25: Taguig City Mayor Lani Cayetano and Makati City Mayor Junjun Binay were high school sweethearts.

26: In Traveler’s Digest’s list of the 10 “Cities with the World’s Best Looking Men,” Quezon City placed seventh. Not to be outdone, another magazine named Makati City as one of the 10 “Cities in the World With the Longest-Serving Political Families in the City Hall.”

27: LTO Chief Virginia Torres is a Martin Scorsese die-hard. Her favorite Scorsese film is ‘Casino.’

28: The Ateneo De Manila Athletic Council has released an open letter to the Ateneo community enjoining them to cheer for FEU as the Tamaraws battle La Salle in the UAAP Final 4.

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29: After enjoying her first MRT ride, Kris Aquino announces her three next adventures: riding a jeepney in Pasay, swimming in Lagusnilad or España on a stormy day, and taking a ferry ride to Cebu via Sulpicio Lines.

30: When he’s being playful, Sen. Koko Pimentel calls Senators Chiz Escudero and Sonny Angara “beh.”
————————————————-
“The number one rule of thieves is that nothing is too small to steal.”
~ Jimmy Breslin

Sound Bites
“In October, we will come up with the results of the audit on the Malampaya Fund. Let this serve as a heads-up. The results will be explosive.”
~COA Chief Grace Pulido-Tan

Have a safe weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

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3 responses

20 09 2013
Essan Labos

I would like to take exception on your reference to Ilonggas in #16. No one could be that ugly as Napoles, inside and out. That is an insult to natives of Panay and Negros Occidental. As if it’s not bad enough that we have our own regional riffraffs. Other than that, continue your humorous take of these clowns disguised as politicians.

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30 09 2013
professionalheckler

I’m sorry that you didn’t quite get the punchline. ILONGga had something to do with her nose.

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21 09 2013
Essan Labos

Ref#1 does Enrile take his dentures out when he chows down, or is it simply lick and flick?

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