SLAMMING WHAT he described as a media “frenzy,” Edgardo Angara says labeling the pork barrel issue as a “scandal” instead of calling it a “controversy” makes people think that senators are “evil.” To which Satan replied, “Excuse me! We’re not senators!”

A COA report showed Edgardo Angara allotted P14.4 million of his pork barrel funds to an NGO where he was an incorporator, stockholder and board member. Now that’s scandalous! I mean, controversial! Sorry Senator.

But ex-senator Edgardo Angara insisted, “Even if COA mentioned my name, don’t jump into conclusion that I pocketed money from that.” Don’t worry sir. We’re not jumping into conclusion. (We already did.)

According to former senator Edgardo Angara, alleged pork barrel scam perpetrator Janet Lim-Napoles must be spared from “prejudicial publicity” to ensure a fair trial. Watch out Lorna Kapunan! Someone wants your job.

Pork Inquiry
The Senate has an ongoing investigation on the pork barrel scam. Several reports say the alleged pork barrel queen may be invited to face the senators – or as Janet Napoles would call it, “reunion.”

Janet Lim-Napoles may soon face the senators in the ongoing pork barrel scam probe. It will probably be the most awkward moment in the history of Philippine legislature.

National Bureau of Investigation Director Nonnatus Rojas has resigned irrevocably after President Aquino revealed that moles inside the bureau tipped off Napoles about the arrest warrant last Aug 14. Justice Secretary Leila De Lima described Rojas’ decision as “principled.” Janet Napoles called it, “Tagumpay!!!”

President Aquino believes there’s a mole in the NBI. “Eshkyushh me! Wala akong alam sha ishyung ‘yan ‘noh!”~ Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo

Before dawn Monday, alleged P10B pork barrel scam mastermind Janet Lim-Napoles suffered an anxiety attack and her BP went up. After an hour though, she was doing fine again. St. Luke’s Hospital was like, “Saaayang!”

Reports say the blood pressure of Janet Lim-Napoles shot up to 180 over 150 Monday morning. Her normal blood pressure is 200/70.

Janet Lim-Napoles is claustrophobic. Her friends in the Senate are amnesiac.

JUST IN: A new strain of virus is infecting high profile inmates. The World Health Organization identified it as Hospitalesis arrestus. Here are the symptoms:
1: Pag-iinarte
2: Pagsisikip ng dibdib (May 40% drama)
3: Paghahabol ng hininga (May 50% drama)
4: Panlalambot (May 80% drama)
5: Pagsimangot na tila masama ang pakiramdam lalo na kung may camera sa paligid
6: Pagtanggi sa ham, egg, at sinandomeng rice (Sanay kasi sa crispy pata, lechon at Yang Chow fried rice)
7: Hirap dalawin ng antok (Baka kinukunsensya!)
8: ‘Di maipaliwanag na excitement kapag nakakakita ng wheelchair

If you’re a high profile inmate with these symptopms, contact the jail warden for your possible transfer to a posh hospital. TOLL FREE: 1-908-ULOL! That’S 1-908-8565.

In Other News…
A Philippine Daily Inquirer report says President Aquino is in love again. Next!

Torres Talks
During a Congressional hearing Monday, LTO Chief Virginia Torres was questioned on the controversial viral (cellphone) video of her inside a casino. Under investigation, Torres expressed confidence she’ll be absolved of any wrongdoing. She’s very, very positive. In fact, she’s betting on it.

LTO Chief Virginia Torres insisted the ‘casino’ video that surfaced was “taken with malice.” No Virginia, it was taken with a camera phone.

image Is She the One?
Because it is an issue of national importance, let’s go back to that ‘Noynoy is in love again’ item. According to the Inquirer, the president’s new girl is Mariness “Kim” Ledesma, a CPA lawyer. The source revealed, “… they’re very serious about each other.” Let’s hope the source is serious about his info.

President Aquino’s rumored girlfriend is a certain Kim Ledesma, a pretty CPA-lawyer who is only 29 years old. “Tale as old as time, true as it can be… “

“Karma is unforgiving and always gets payback.”
~ Benjamin Bayani, The Nation

Sound Bites
“I want to be very candid. Wala kaming pakialam kung may tiwala sa amin si Mrs. Napoles. Her trust or lack of it is not important to us. What is important to us is the trust of the whistleblowers, the trust of the President and the trust of the people, not Napoles. Sino s’ya para kunin namin ang tiwala n’ya?”
~ Justice Secretary Leila de Lima

Have a great week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Author: professionalheckler

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