THE GREAT freedom fighter, Nelson Mandela is still in serious condition four days after being rushed to a Pretoria hospital due to a recurring lung infection. This early, supporters of the 94-year-old South African leader are trying to persuade his son, Noynoy Mandela to run for president next year.

It’s the middle of 2013. As in the past, I re-post some of my favorite items from the first five months of the year. In case you’ve missed…

A 26-year-old social media activist was sentenced to two years in prison for reportedly “insulting” Kuwait’s emir. I don’t think that’ll happen in the Philippines. Here, we don’t insult leaders and politicians. We describe them.

Phone Problem
My new phone autocorrects a number of words I type. This morning, it autocorrected ‘pork’ to ‘Congress.’ I have no idea why.

Sizzling Summer
On Friday, PAGASA recorded the year’s hottest day yet in Metro Manila. It was so hot yesterday people stood next to congressmen just to be near something “shady.”

The Tubbataha
A United States Navy war ship ran aground and remains stuck on Tubbataha Reef, a protected marine sanctuary. Coral rape.

Silence Please
Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago has filed a bill that seeks to penalize the use of electronic devices like cell phones inside cinemas, concert halls, and other performance venues. The feisty senator wants those gadgets in “silent” mode. To which, moviegoers said, “You first!”

Sen. Miriam Defensor Santiago has a pending bill called “Silent Mode Act,” or in Senate parlance, Lito Lapid.

Feng Shui
Interviewed by the Philippine Daily Inquirer, a feng shui expert said Vice President Jojo Binay should not expect a favorable 2013. But the Vice President is unfazed. He’s more concerned about 2016.

The same expert says Pig people like former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo shall have the lowest energy this year. Like, hello, we can see that.

According to psychic Danny Atienza, this year, President Aquino will finally meet the woman he’ll definitely fall in love with. When the woman heard the prediction, she went into hiding.

Earlier this month, a psychic predicted that President Aquino would soon meet a very beautiful and intelligent woman. But the President said he wouldn’t want to rely on fortune-tellers saying, “God has something good in store for me.” To which God replied, “’Wag pakasiguradoooo!”

Kwarta o Kahon
The great veteran game show host Pepe Pimentel has died at the age of 83. He chose ‘kahon.’

So long, Lolong!
The world’s largest crocodile in captivity is dead. Our deepest condolences to Congress.

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago threatened to expose Sen. Panfilo Lacson’s “sexuality.” But Lacson fired back. Using strong words like “lunatic” and “insanity,” he defended his sexuality saying, “Kung ako bakla, baka wala nang macho sa mundo.” And those guys in the gym were like, “Hindi rin!”

According to Senator Lacson, Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago spent a portion of her pork barrel to erect a cockpit in Pasig City. Santiago reacted and questioned Lacson’s interest in her cockpit.

Team Patay
The Diocese of Bacolod is campaigning against a group of six pro-RH Law senatorial candidates it dubbed “Team Patay” while urging voters to support anti-RH Law senatoriables it called “Team Buhay.” By the way, the Diocese of Bacolod is a member of Team Bitter-bitteran.

A 38-year-old woman killed her son for having a small dick. The mother was quoted to have said that her son would have a bleak future with his small penis. This Indonesian woman is sick! Just because a guy’s manhood is small doesn’t mean he’ll have a bleak future. You can ask our president!

According to the Department of Health, 35 percent of Filipino workers (both in government and private sectors) are mentally disturbed. Ulol! Sinungaling! Bobo! Saksakin kita d’yan ng lapis eh.

A Social Weather Stations survey showed 37 percent of Filipinos were optimistic that their quality of life would further improve in 2013. They are called politicians.

Sought for comment on rumors that he’s gay, Migz Zubiri told the Philippine Daily Inquirer, “Ask my wife. She seems so satisfied.” To which Ogie Diaz said, “My wife too.”

Gay Union
According to Koko Pimentel, the idea of same sex marriage in the Philippines “is a joke of a proposal.” To which, gay marriage advocates replied, “Hiyang-hiya naman kami sa success ng marriage mo!”

New Pope
Pope Francis has only one lung. But that’s nothing compared to many Filipino politicians: wala nang utak, wala pang puso!

North Korea declared that it had entered a “state of war” with South Korea and threatened to attack its neighbor. But Seoul is unfazed by the threat since a majority of South Koreans are safe… in the Philippines.

Apparently, Kim Jong Un considers the United States his number 1 problem. In close second is his weight.

Pinoy and Marriage
According to the National Statistics Office, fewer Filipinos are getting married. Those Filipinos are called smart.

Archbishop Oscar Cruz sees “nothing wrong” with Kris Aquino seeking public office saying “it takes so little to qualify for public office.” To which Nancy Binay said, “I know!”

nancyNancy Hurt
Senatorial aspirant Nancy Binay admitted she was hurt by a scathing Philippine Daily Inquirer editorial titled, “Unqualified.” Nancy said the attacks were “vicious” and were part of a “demolition campaign.” As a rejoinder, the Inquirer is writing another editorial titled, “Whatever.”

The Promise
Weeks after declaring that she’s quitting showbiz, presidential sister Kris Aquino is still in showbiz. She’s not keeping her promise. It all points to a successful career in politics.

Penis Size
According to an online report titled, “Average Penis Size by Country,” the average size of manhood in the Philippines is 4.2 inches. Even Filipino women were like, “Come on! That’s too big!”

Erap’s Birthday
Former President Joseph Estrada celebrated his 76th birthday Friday, April 19. Erap’s birthday wish? Peace, love and harmony. Or as JV and Jinggoy would say, “Unrealistic, impossible, No way!”

President Aquino was named one of the most influential people in the world by TIME magazine. Not to be outdone, Nancy Binay was named one of the most influential people in the world by Good Housekeeping.

Manila Race
Former president Joseph Estrada admits the mayoral race between him and Mayor Alfredo Lim in Manila is neck and neck – which is a bit surprising since Erap does not have a neck.

Pam and the President
According to reports, President Aquino turned down the invitation of Pamela Anderson. Sayang! The President and Pamela would have been a good match. The playboy and the playmate.

Yao and Binay
Former NBA star Yao Ming and his Shanghai Sharks team paid a courtesy call on Vice President Jejomar Binay last Monday, May 6. The Vice President easily developed fondness for the Chinese cager. After all, their names have something in common: dynasty.

According to the Vice President, he’d seen someone who’s eight feet tall but the former Houston Rockets center is “different.” Binay described Yao as “truly terrifying.” To which, Yao Ming said, “Look who’s talking!”

Mayon Volcano
At press time, a large cloud of ash and smoke is still visible near the crater of Mayon Volcano. President Aquino is hoping that the volcano would stop smoking soon. Mayon Volcano is hoping the same for the president.

Liquor Ban
The Metro Manila Development Authority has asked the Commission on Elections to extend the 2-day liquor ban to 45 days. Or as Baron Geisler would call it, “Harsh!”
“No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.”
~Nelson Mandela

Sound Bites
“… oras na tanungin tayo ni Rizal, o ni Bonifacio, ni Ninoy o ni Cory ng ‘Pilipino, ano ang nagawa mo para sa bandila at kapwa mo?’ maaari natin silang titigan, mata sa mata, at sabihing “Narito ang mga inambag ko sa aking bayan, at ibinuhos ko ang aking buong puso’t kaluluwa upang mapabuti ang kanyang kalagayan.”
~President Aquino, Independence Day 2013

Happy 115th Independence Day!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Author: professionalheckler

See About the Heckler


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