The Professional Heckler

CLASSES for Academic Year 2013-2014 opened Monday, June 3. In some schools, a teacher is assigned to supervise 50 to 75 grade school pupils. Or as Dan Brown would call it, “the most densely populated classroom on earth.”

You know it’s the opening of classes in the Philippines when… there’s monstrous traffic jams, the rains start to fall… and the government begins doing road repairs.

Top 5 Things You Wouldn’t Want to Hear From Your Children’s Teacher on the First Day of Classes

No. 5: “Mga bata, maglabas kayo ng tig-sasampung piso. Kailangan nating bumili ng bagong flower vase, pasô, floorwax at doormat. Wala pa rin ang inorder kong chalk.”

No. 4: “Sinong nanood ng ‘The Buzz’ kahapon? Ano ang masasabi n’yo kay Charice na tomboy na raw ngayon?”

No. 3: “Pasensya!!! Ngayon lang nag-advise si Mayor at ang DepEd eh. Parating daw ang napakalakas na bagyo. In five seconds, nand’yan na siya. Hala, uwian na!”

No. 2: “Mula ngayon, hindi na ako magbebenta ng tocino. Promise. Now, sinong ‘di pa nakakapanood ng Iron Man III? Maganda ‘yon! Meron ako dito. Blu-Ray copy na. Tatlo-isandaan lang.”

And the no. 1 thing you wouldn’t want to hear from your children’s teacher on the first day of classes…

“Girls, boys… dating gawi! Section A sa ilalim ng punong mangga; Section B sa ilalim ng puno ng narra! Section C, bahala na.”

Laughing
The Philippine Coast Guard dismissed as “inaccurate” and “hearsay” a Philippine Daily Inquirer report that coast guards were seen in a video laughing while they were firing at a Taiwanese fishing boat. The authenticity of the video was also questioned because a portion showed Ma’am Charo laughing too.

Two Serendra
Investigators have yet determine the cause of explosion in the upscale Two Serendra condominium. DILG Sec. Mar Roxas says there are no traces of bomb chemicals in the area. Hopefully, there will be no traces of cover-up either.

Fire!
Five people were killed when a fire of still unknown origin razed a boarding house in Las Piñas last Saturday. Residents trooped to the site of the incident hoping that President Aquino and DILG Secretary Mar Roxas would also show up. #asa

Michael Douglas
Hollywood actor Michael Douglas blames his throat cancer on sex. President Aquino is safe.

According to Michael Douglas, his throat cancer was caused by contracting human papillomavirus or HPV through cunnilingus. In the interest of fairness, we’ll try to get the side of the vagina.

Blast from the Past
Exactly a year ago, a clothing line got flak for its “racist” campaign: “What’s your mix?” I am reposting this blog from June 2012 plus some updates. Enjoy!

Joseph Estrada: 50% San Juan and 50% Manila

Senate President Enrile: 50% Politics and 50% Paleolithic

United Nationalist Alliance: : 25% Erap 25% Enrile 25% Binay and 25% Victory

Nancy Binay: 50% Mother and 50% Non-debater

Aga Muhlach: 90% Mestizo and 10% Bicolano

Sen. Manny Villar: 30% Dagat ng basura 30% Gitna ng kalsada and 40% Weh?

Sec. Leila De Lima: 50% Filipina and 50% Peruvian

Comelec Chairman Sixto Brillantes Jr: 50% Filipino and 50% Targaryen

Former Cong. Prospero Pichay: 50% Human and 50% Vegetable

Jack Enrile: 100% Maraming pagkain 100% Murang pagkain 100% Hindi bumenta sa voters

Bam Aquino: 30% Ninoy 30% Cory 30% Noynoy and 10% Bam

JV Ejercito: 50% Brother

Iloilo Rep. Niel Tupas: 50% Ilonggo and 50% Ilong

Sec. Ronald Llamas: 50% Political Adviser 25% Shooter and 25% Film Reviewer

Sen. Koko Pimentel: 100% Single

Cong. Manny Pacquiao: 50% Boxer and 50% Preacher

Former Mayor Lito Atienza: 50% Manilan and 50% Hawaiian

Sen. Tito Sotto: 50% Copy and 50% Paste

Sen. Franklin Drilon: 100% Ramos 100% Erap 100% GMA and 100% Noynoy (Overweight)

Claudine Barretto: 50% Artista and 50% Karatista

Ramon Tulfo: 50% Sumbungan and 50% Bugbugan

Ex-future Congresswoman Annabelle Rama: 50% Talent Manager and 50% Loser

Jinkee Pacquiao: 50% Filipina and 50% Siyensya

E.R. Ejercito: 50% Actor 50% Governor (100% Annoying)

Vice Ganda: 50% Hilarious 50% Vicious

Manny Pangilinan: 100% Kapatid

Broadcast Journalist Jessica Soho: (‘Wag na lang ‘to)

How about you? What’s your mix?
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“The educated differ from the uneducated as much as the living differ from the dead.”
~ Aristotle

Sound Bites
“Proud ako sa sarili ko; mahal ko ang sarili ko kaya ko po ginagawa ito. Ang gaan ng pakiramdam ko ngayon. Makakalabas ako ng bahay na wala akong itatago, na wala akong masasagasaang tao dahil wala akong itinatago. Welcome to my crazy life. Enjoy the ride.”
~Singing sensation Charice on her sexuality

Have a fun week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.