PRESIDENT AQUINO has signed Republic Act 10586 or the “Anti-Drunk and Drugged Driving Act of 2013.” According to the new law, signs of drunk or drugged driving include “overspeeding, weaving, lane straddling, sudden stops, and swerving” – collectively categorized as “Things we normally see everyday.”

Republic Act 10586 shall allow cops to conduct sobriety tests on suspected drunk drivers. If a driver passes the test, he is allowed to conduct a sobriety test on the cop.

President Aquino approved the “Anti-Drunk and Drugged Driving Act of 2013.” The law was principally authored at the Lower House by former President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo and son Dato – Or as the President would say, “I wasn’t aware of that.”

A miffed President Aquino was forced to call MMDA Chairman Francis Tolentino on Friday when he got stuck in traffic and arrived late in Taguig City for a speaking engagement. The President complained, “I did not expect it’s traffic everywhere.” And Dan Brown was like, “Told yah!”

Some sad news. A huge explosion ripped through the upscale Two Serendra condominium at Bonifacio Global City Friday night. People were shocked to hear about the explosion and were even more shocked to see the President of the Republic of the Philippines himself at the explosion site shortly after the incident.

At press time, the cause of the explosion has not been determined but the President is not ruling out the involvement of Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.

President Aquino has signed a law designating December of every year as ‘Anti-Corruption Month.” Corrupt people in government thanked the President for the remaining 11 months.

If the President is serious on weeding out the corrupt in government, every month should be an “Anti-Corruption Month.”

Binay and Trapo
Vice President Binay was quoted to have said that he wanted the Philippines to break free from traditional politics. The ‘Philippines’ replied, “You first!”

Economic Boom
The government reported an impressive economic growth of 7.8 percent in the first quarter of the year. Malacañang says “growth was felt in almost all sectors.” But not by the people (sector).

The Villafuertes
Defeated gubernatorial candidate and outgoing Camarines Sur Representative Luis Villafuerte Sr, 77 is filing an electoral protest against his 24-year-old grandson, incoming Cam Sur governor Migz Villafuerte. Villafuerte accuses his apo of “disputing, controverting and impugning the results of the elections.” Migz told his lolo, “You taught me well.”

Filthy Rich
Official records show 52 of 56 incumbent party-list representatives are multi-millionaires. There is no god.

NBN-ZTE witness Jun Lozada who, himself, faces graft charges before the Ombudsman says he has lost faith in the administration’s “daang matuwid.” Sought for reaction, the “daang matuwid,” replied, “the feeling is mutual.”

1rizMissed Universe Crown
Miss Universe Canada declared a losing candidate as winner only to withdraw it later. Aga Muhlach remains hopeful.

It was an epic failure for Miss Universe Canada. On pageant night, the eventual fourth place finisher was declared winner due to a typo. She was later stripped of the title. But the embarrassed candidate says she won’t file a protest because she has accepted it, she has moved on, and she’s not a Filipino politician.

Riza Santos, the former PBB housemate who was crowned Miss Universe Canada was a former Miss Earth Canada and a former Miss World Canada. She lost in the Miss Earth contest and she also lost in the Miss World competition. Riza Santos is the Richard Gomez of beauty pageants.

Vice Ganda
Vice Ganda (Jose Marie Viceral in real life) has made a public apology. One thing is certain though, netizens are still divided on the issue. Some are sympathetic to Vice Ganda while others are sympathetic to the weighing scale. (Disclaimer: This is a joke.)

James and Bimby
The Makati Regional Trial Court grants James Yap the right to visit his son James Yap Jr. But the judge says James cannot see his ex-wife Kris Aquino – to which the basketeer reacted, “Thank God!”

American Idol
Like fellow judge Randy Jackson, Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj are leaving American Idol. The viewers too.
“Beauty is about being comfortable in your own skin. It’s about knowing and accepting who you are.”
~Ellen DeGeneres

1charSound Bites
“I have come to accept the real me. I have come to love the real me. I now celebrate the real me.”
~Singing sensation Charice on “coming out”

Have a safe and fun-filled weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Author: professionalheckler

See About the Heckler


  1. Pnoy rang tolentino when he got stuck in traffic
    ‘What traffic?’ – said tolentino who happened to be in singapore, again!
    Seriously, the guy is never in manila, but still managed to increase his SALN worth by 20 million pesos last year. Incredible.

    ” i see no ships” lord nelson


    Kris aquino wants bimby to follow her into showbiz – and into the psychiatric hospital.
    It takes a very disturbed/damaged person to try so hard to separate father and son.
    She is even arranging for him to star in a film this year – anything, but sport, basketball, or normal boys activities. Incredible.

    “The ‘Queen’ is controlling, the ‘Witch’ is sadistic, and the child is helpless.
    Such mothers are high functioning and high maintenance, and feel no remorse for nightmarish acts, showing more interest in their own well-being than any concern over the way they hurt others.
    The triggers include jealousy, criticism, betrayal, abandonment, feeling left out, and most of all being ignored.”
    Dr. Christine lawson – The Borderline Mother


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