HEAVEN AND HELL

A CATHOLIC CHURCH leader said book author Dan Brown became “rich by fooling people.” To which Dan Brown said, “Look who’s talking!”

111HELLL
“Inaccurate”
MMDA Chairman Francis Tolentino sent a letter to ‘Inferno’ author Dan Brown to protest his “inaccurate” depiction of Manila as the “gates of hell.” In related news, Satan sent a letter to ‘Inferno’ author Dan Brown to protest his inaccurate depiction of the “gates of hell” as Manila-like.

Chairman Tolentino, who protested Dan Brown’s “inaccurate” depiction of the metro said the author has never been to Manila. To which, Satan protested, “Have you been to hell?”

Reacting to Dan Brown’s fictional novel, MMDA Chairman Francis Tolentino wrote, “our place is an entry to heaven.” Tolentino writes better than Dan Brown.

bbThe Pope and Atheists
Atheists are good if they do good according to Pope Francis. They have a place in heaven. Otherwise, they have a place in Manila.

Pope Francis was quoted to have said that if atheists did good, they’re good. They’ll go to heaven. And atheists were like, “What heaven?”

BREAKING: This whole Dan Brown/’gates of hell’ brouhaha is getting worse. Filipino kids have changed the lyrics of “Langit, lupa, impyerno” to “Langit, lupa, Ma-ni-la!”

Sensitive
UNESCO proposes to declare the Tubbataha Reef as “particularly sensitive” area. The only thing more “sensitive” right now is Taiwan.

Poor
The Social Weather Stations reported that hunger incidence in the Philippines increased in the first quarter of the year. Jack Enrile believes the number of Filipinos without food on the table will continue to rise because he wasn’t elected senator.

Poorest
Records show Chiz Escudero is the poorest senator. Or as the Ongpaucos would tell Heart, “Don’t say we didn’t warn you!”

1
Standard Time
President Aquino signed a law that sets the Philippine Standard Time. Clocks and watches in government offices must be synchronized. The law didn’t say though if government employees must synchronize their Facebook sessions too.

Unhappy
President Aquino is reportedly unhappy with his speeches. See? Even the president has gotten tired of this “kasalanan lahat ‘yan ni GMA” rant.

President Aquino may be unhappy with the speeches but he’s not unhappy with the Communications Group. That’s according to the Communications Group.

Security Group
Last week, two members of the Presidential Security Group were nabbed for robbing a car shop. Three days later, another PSG member was arrested and charged for punching his girlfriend. With security men like that, who needs threats?

1Go to hell!
The head of Saudi Arabia’s religious police has condemned Twitter and warns that people who use it will go to hell. Isn’t that a bit unfair? You tweet, and you go to hell. You f*ck an innocent goat, and it’s ok? Boo!

The chief of Saudi Arabia’s religious police says people who use Twitter will go to hell. A Manila resident replied. “Here na me!”

Sisterakas
Comedian Ai-Ai De Las Alas is seeking a protection order from the court against ex-husband Jed Salang. Kris Aquino has been granted a protection order against ex-husband James Yap. Can someone please check if Vice Ganda’s got an ex-husband too?

Mega’s Back
Senator Kiko Pangilinan’s wife, Sharon Cuneta is active again on Twitter. Sleepless nights ahead for Piolo Pascual.

Unlucky
Shalani Soledad lost in Valenzuela City. Barbara Milano lost in Central Luzon. Not a good election year for President Aquino’s exes.
—————————————————
“Maybe this world is another planet’s hell.”
~ Aldous Huxley

Sound Bites
MMDA

“I am not actually happy with the speech. I don’t know if it’s becoming a tradition that every time I appear before you, I find that the speech prepared by my normally gifted speech writers was inadequate.”
~President Aquino on his speeches

Have a safe week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

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Author: professionalheckler

See About the Heckler

9 thoughts on “HEAVEN AND HELL”

  1. ‘A bad workman blames his tools’

    ‘Speak and the man shall be shown’
    Proverb

    Tired, boring, repetitive, lazy motherhood statements

    Pnoy always looks as bored reading the words as those listening. Not exactly an inspirational orator, and clearly on the dating front bores his victims to sleep.

    Zzzzzz

    Like

  2. Yeah ! I can’t get over this…Gates of Hell.. let me add this one. Even President Ramos first State of the Nation in 1992 because of traffic, floods, litter, spotty weather forcasting & police street invisibility, he had to chopper from his Alabang home to the Batasan, his openning line ” living in the city is hell ” 21 years hence…ahihihi I just read this today from J. Bondoc opinion philstar.

    Like

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