HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone! 2012 is over. It’s the first week of 2013. Time to ask yourselves, “What happened to my bonus (and cash gift)? Where did it go?”
But here’s a piece of good news! This year, there’s no scheduled Apocalypse.
Interviewed by the Philippine Daily Inquirer, a feng shui expert said Vice President Jojo Binay should not expect a favorable 2013. But the vice president is unfazed. He’s more concerned about 2016.
Experts say 2013 is not a good year for Vice President Binay. Apparently, the Water Snake is not compatible with the dark Horse.
The same expert says Pig people like former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo shall have the lowest energy this year. Like, hello, we can see that.
This year, Pig people like Pampanga Representative Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo will have the lowest energy – while Dr. Eric Tayag will have the highest energy.
Yet another expert says President Aquino should look for a Monkey, a Dragon or an Ox to be romantically happy this year. Surprisingly, the expert didn’t mention humans.
The feng shui expert adds Ox people like former president Joseph Estrada will be lucky in politics this year. Sought for comment, Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim said he’s not into feng shui.
Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim is a Snake. And Joseph Estrada was like, “I know.”
JUST IN: Suspended Cebu Governor Gwendolyn Garcia belies reports she was born in the year of the Gecko.
According to Health Secretary Enrique Ona, the number of firecracker injuries dropped this year. Of the total number of victims, 219 or 54 percent used illegal firecrackers. They are called idiots.
In Manila, a man is facing frustrated murder charges for throwing a lit firecracker at his mother-in-law. The suspect explained he was just trying to fight fire with fire.
Kim Kardashian is pregnant. At least, we know the baby’s going to have Kardashian blood. Take that Khloe!
Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are having a baby! Kris Jenner couldn’t wait to sell the video of the birth.
Kanye and Kim are going to be first time parents soon. Kanye wants to name their baby, ‘Wild Wild.’
MADAM KALACHUCHI returns with more predictions for the year:
Magiging mailap pa rin kay Pangulong Aquino ang romansa. If it’s any consolation, napaghandaan niya.
Muling gaganda ang imahe ni Tito Sotto. Sa susunod na lifetime.
Hindi matutuloy ang Pacquiao-Marquez 5. Mas posible pang matuloy ang Tulfo-Barretto 2.
Kung hindi mag-iingat, dadapuan ng sakit si Secretary Mar Roxas. Sasabihin ng doktor, “Na-stress.” Sasabihin ni Korina, “Namaligno.”
Matatalo sa pagka-kongresista ng Cebu si Annabelle Rama. Walang magugulat.
Patuloy ang pagdami ng ‘affair’ movies. Maiinspire ang mga Pinoy. Dadami ang kabit.
May nagbabantang tumalo sa kasikatan ni Charice. Ang kanyang buhok.
Hindi iiwan ni Sharon Cuneta ang Twitter. Siya ang iiwan nito.
“Masses are always breeding grounds of psychic epidemics.”
Proclamation No. 459: Declaring the Regular Holidays, Special (Non-Working) Days, And Special Holiday (For All Schools) For the Year 2013
HAVE A GREAT YEAR!
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.