The Professional Heckler

MALACAÑANG says President Aquino’s State of the Nation Address (SONA) is still “a work in progress.” Arguably, the most difficult part is writing the opening. Several suggestions were allegedly submitted to the palace but these were all rejected.

Top 15 Rejected State of the Nation Address Opening Lines

No. 15: “Congratulations to my team, the Miami Heat! To Fil-Am coach Eric Spoelstra, we are so proud of you!”

No. 14: “First, some good news! Isa sa inyo ay opisyal nang kinilala ng Guinness World Records. Masigabong palakpakan para kay Crocodile Lolong! Woohoo!”

No. 13: “Bago ang aking talumpati, isa munang panalangin. Kung hindi ka kumportable sa gagawin namin, lumabas ka muna ng session hall Kabataan Party-list Representative Raymond Palatino.”

No. 12: “Ang talumpati ko ngayong hapon ay taos-puso kong inihahandog kay Renato Coronado Corona. Har har har”

No. 11: “Ang kay Juan ay kay Juan at ang kay Pedro ay kay Pedro. Ang Scarborough Shoal ay sa Pilipinas, at ang Pilipinas ay sa mga Tsino, este sa mga Pilipino. Lalaban tayo!”

No. 10: “Lahat ng present sa joint session na ito ng Kongreso ay awtomatikong tatanggap ng bonus dahil sa mahusay n’yong performance sa impeachment trial! Sorry na lang sa mga absent!”

No. 9: “State of the Nation Address ka ba?”
Lawmakers: Bakit?
Kasi, bolero ka eh! Boom!”

No. 8: “Ayon sa Forbes, mula labing-isa, umakyat na sa labinlima ang bilang ng bilyonaryo sa Pilipinas! Bukod d’yan, may kakayahan na rin tayong magpautang ng isang bilyong dolyar sa IMF. Hindi na talaga mapigilan ang ating pag-unlad. Todo na ‘to!”

No. 7: “Let us show the world that Filipinos are a united people. Upang matiyak na magti-trend worldwide sa Twitter ang speech ko ngayong hapon, use hashtag #SONA. Thank you.”

No. 6: “Let us bow our heads and offer a moment of silence for the demise of my so-called lovelife.”

No. 5: “Nagagalak akong ihayag na may napili na akong bagong Chief Justice ng Supreme Court. Pero hindi ko sasabihin ang pangalan. Para mas exciting, let’s play Pinoy Henyo!”

No. 4: “Narito ang mga balitang dapat n’yong malaman, sumasalamin sa katotohanan sa ating bayan. Ito ang State of the Nation. Teka, parang narinig ko na ‘to ah!”

No. 3: “Marami pang bakanteng slots sa Liberal Party for next year’s senatorial elections. ‘Taas ang kamay ng gustong mag-join!”

No. 2: “May sorpresa ako sa inyong lahat! Upang patunayan ang transparency ng aking administrasyon, ngayong hapon ay bubunot ako – randomly, ng pangalan ng limang mambabatas at ipa-flash natin sa screen ang nilalaman ng kanilang SALN. Unang pangalan… (drum roll) Niel Tupas! Patay tayo d’yan!”

And the No. 1 rejected SONA opening line…

“Hindi na ako magpapaliguy-ligoy pa. Narito ang listahan ng mga kasalanan nina Renato Corona at Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo at ang mga ginawa nating aksyon upang sila ay papanagutin. Una… “
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“Political speeches are like steer horns. A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.”
~Alfred E. Neuman

This just in: President Aquino’s SONA will last 30 to 45 minutes, or even longer depending on Renato Corona’s threshold of pain.

Quotes Quiz. Who tweeted:
“Happy Father’s Day! This is the one day of the year when we fathers get to pretend we’re the head of the family.”
A: Cong. Dato Arroyo
B: Atty. Ferdie Topacio
C: Atty. Judd Roy
D: Cong. Miro Quimbo

Quote of the Week
“Dolphy is more than a National Artist appointed by a committee and anointed by a Palace. The man who made us laugh is a national treasure. And no simple decision of men or laws can make some as priceless.”
~Director Joey Javier Reyes

Have a peaceful weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Answer to Quotes Quiz: A.