SALN, Kulam, Impyerno, Atbp. Kwento

IT’S THE WEEKEND. Let’s try to answer some of the questions sent by our readers – political figures, celebrities, and concerned Filipinos. Have fun!

Dear Professional Heckler,
Pangarap kong mag-guest sa iba’t ibang TV at radio stations. Ano ang dapat kong gawin?
Umaasa,
Luigi ng Kalookan

Dear Luigi,
Maging Chief Justice ka muna.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Palala nang palala ang kriminalidad sa aming bayan. Lately, mga estudyante na ang tina-target ng mga holdupper. Taga-Makati ka ‘di ba? And’yan ba ang mayor namin?
Worried,
Residente ng Los Baños

Dear Worried Residente ng Los Baños,
Malamang.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Narinig ko kahapon sa balita na ayaw ipakita ni Cong. Niel Tupas ang kanyang SALN sa GMA News. Bakit kaya?
Curious,
Peachy of Pagudpud

Dear Peachy,
Sabi nga ng author ng ‘Up In the Air’ na si Walter Kirn, “Everyone loves a witch hunt as long as it’s someone else’s witch being hunted.”
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Hindi ko na-gets ang sagot mo sa aking tanong. Puwede bang paki-explain?
Ako Ulit,
Peachy of Pagudpud

Dear Peachy,
Ang kulit mo! Ganito na lang. Kumuha ka ng dictionary. ‘Tapos hanapin mo ang word na ‘hypocrite.’ ‘Yun na ‘yun!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Finally, after 52 long years, nahanap ko na yata ang aking Seoul soulmate. Dapat na ba akong mag-propose? Baka kasi makawala pa eh. What do you think? Btw, she’s Korean.
Yours truly,
John Lloyd of Manila

Dear John Lloyd,
Kung maka-John Lloyd ka naman! Kilala na kita! Huwag ka nang gumamit ng alias. Unfortunately, you can’t have the best of both worlds right now. Hintayin mo na lang ang 2016. Kung bago mag-2016 eh mag-break kayo, what else is new? Sanay ka na naman ‘di ba?
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Sssh, atin-atin lang ‘to. Meron akong naipong dolyar. Malaki-laki ring halaga ‘yon. Saang bangko ko kaya ito dapat ideposit?
Yumayaman,
Mr. Congressman

Dear Mr. Congressman,
Kung kaalyado ka ng administrasyon, it doesn’t matter kung saan mang bangko mo ‘yan itago. Hindi lalabas ang detalye ng account mo. Pero kung kalaban ka, #AlamNa!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Gusto mo bang mag-join sa Lambda Rho Beta? May orientation bukas. Free drinks.
Tara na,
Agaton

Dear Agaton,
Ayoko pang mamatay. Ikaw na lang.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Balik-Senado na naman kami sa Lunes. Sawang-sawa na kasi kami sa panlalait, pagpapahiya, at panlelektyur sa amin ng isang senadora. Ano kayang mabisang pangontra?
Nag-iisip,
Congressman Niel

Dear Congressman Niel,
Umayos ka!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Totoo po bang kinulam si Mommy Dionisia?
Natatakot,
Karen of Gen San

Dear Karen,
Kung si Pacman ang tatanungin, hindi siya naniniwala sa kulam. Pero kung titingnan mo ang matanda, mukha nga siyang kinulam. Either that,or na-miss niya ang kanyang quarterly Botox injection. Hayaan mo na. Mapera naman siya.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
I plan to visit your country soon. Where should I go?
Mabuhey,
Taylor Kitsch

Dear Taylor,
Where should you go?!? Go to hell.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Sino po kaya ang mas mayaman: si Aleli Arroyo o si Grace Ibuna?
Love,
Tsismosa ng QC

Dear Tsismosa,
Sinong mas mayaman? Si Atty. Lorna Kapunan! #AlamNa
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Nagulat po ako sa bagong look ni Charice. May tattoo pa! Lesbian po ba siya?
Super fan,
Aizee

Dear Aizee,
Mahusay siyang singer!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Kapuso fan ako. Ano po ba ang ‘A’ sa GMA?
Nagmamahal,
Jayson Balingit Lalata y Rivera

Dear Jayson,
Ang ‘A’ sa GMA ay ‘Annabelle.’ Just kidding.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Sabi ng matandang pari, meron daw impyerno. In fact, doon daw mapupunta ang senadorang nagsabing “gago” ang prosekusyon. Totoo kaya?
Naguguluhan,
Aling Pacing ng Payatas

Dear Aling Pacing,
Tinawag lang na gago ang prosekusyon impyerno kaagad? ‘Di ba pwedeng purgatoryo muna?
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
My teacher in kindergarten asked me to make a horse out of a three-piece puzzle. I told her “Only God can make a horse!” Ibinagsak niya ako! Tama ba naman ‘yon??!
Hmpf,
Benignoy

Dear Benignoy,
Tama!
Heckler
————————————————————————————-
“Corruption and hypocrisy ought not to be inevitable products of democracy, as they undoubtedly are today.”
~Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi

Have a great weekend!

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(Photos: iStockPhoto, CLipArt, GraphicImages)

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Author: professionalheckler

See About the Heckler

28 thoughts on “SALN, Kulam, Impyerno, Atbp. Kwento”

  1. dear professional heckler

    we dont like anyone portraying hard-working self-sacrificing politicians as corrupt, hypocritical, self-serving, work-shy, freebie loading, and intlektahlly challenged wasters

    just look at our SALN’s , if you can get a copy! hehe

    i, for example get just 35,000 pesos a month, and only 2 BMW’s to my name (well, my 7 year old daughter’s name actually)

    anyway we will be proposing an anti-satire bill so that you will show us in all our true glory

    must go – constituent meeting at ‘boys r us’ , pattaya. PAL platinum cards at the ready.

    the 188 club

    Like

      1. uuyyy eddi, huwag kang sumbungero..

        at alin ang obvious, mali yata ang akala mo, halimbawa
        na lang, sa atin lang ito eddi ha ( huwag kang maingay
        at baka makarinig si mister heckler at etchos, hindi bale
        na si libertas dahil mahirapan yon pag intindi ng tagalog)
        alam mo ba kung bakit hiniwalayan ni noynoy si korina?
        hindi pa ano? dito ma sashock ka, dahil daw sa spray net,
        hindi nakayanan ang amoy nito kapag nasa kotse sila, ito
        ay galing sa mapagkatiwalaan na source, si lolit..

        Like

    1. “Cuneta said she is currently building townhouses in a “nice area” near the Tomas Morato area in Quezon City.
      She also bought a two-hectare oceanfront
      property in Bohol, which she is planning to
      develop into a retirement village.” abs news

      extra ‘pork barrel’ will come in handy.

      Like

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