HAPPY BIRTHDAY MR. PRESIDENT!

ON FEBRUARY 7, 2012, Kris Aquino surprised her brother, President Noynoy Aquino with a birthday bash on Times Street. The event was recorded on video; a portion of which was transcribed by the President’s staff. Last night, a mysterious “small lady” handed me a copy of the transcript. Indulge!


AQUINO siblings, their children and close friends, yayas, household help, members of the Presidential Security Group: SURPRISE!!!
KRIS AQUINO: Good evening everyone! Hello Noy! Naloka ka ‘noh? Andito kaming lahat! Aha-ha-ha
PRESIDENT NOY: (Coughs) Ginulat n’yo naman ako. Teka… si Viel ba ‘yong nasa may corner table?
KRIS AQUINO: Nakakainis ka! Que aga-aga, nagpapatawa ka! Of course! ‘Kita mo nang napaka-quiet ng table so malamang si Viel ang andun. Hellooooo! Common sense.
PRESIDENT NOY: Ok, okay. Ano bang meron?

KRIS: Kasi Noy, before you arrived, pinakialaman nina Ate Ballsy at Ate Pinky ang answering machine sa sala. Then,
PINKY: Wait lang, Kris… anong pinaki…
KRIS: Ayyy, denying… sige ka, magagalit si Mom sa ‘yo. Aha-ha-ha!
BALLSY: Para matigil na kayong dalawa, sige, ako na ang nakialam.
KRIS: ‘Yun na! To the rescue ang eldest! Winnnner! Aha-ha-ha
NOY: Puro kayo kalokohan eh. Inaantok na ‘ko. Pagod ako!
KRIS: Wait lang! Listen ka muna. Hellloooo. Pagod ka??? As if! Anyway, we will let you listen to 5 or 7 birthday messages left on your answering machine. Wala lang, Maiba lang. K na?
NOY: Si Josh ba and’yan? Kumain na ba ang mga bata?
KRIS: Ay, ang kulit! Iniiba pa ang usapan. Sinabi nang listen muna eh. Answering machine now, PSP later.
VIEL: Noy, pagbigyan mo na kasi.
KRIS: Ohhhhhh my Gaaaaaaahd! As in oh my God! Nagsalita si Viel! Minsan lang magsalita ‘yan. Sign ‘yan! Kaya pagbigyan mo na ako, Noy! Bilis na! Ready??
NOY: Sige na nga!
KRIS: Yey! I love youuu! Here’s the first message! Ate Pinky… press mo naaaaah!

Toooooooot!
“Pards, si Ronald Llamas ‘to. May tanong lang ako sa ’yo: Si Jesus Christ ka ba? Kasi, you keep saving me. Salamat pards! On your birthday, isa lang ang masasabi ko: Relax… see a movie.”

KRIS: O, bongga ‘di ba? May pick-up line pa ang lolo mo! Sipsip much? Why wasn’t he fired nga pala Noy?
NOY: Kris, ‘di ba sabi ko kapag trabaho ko na ang pinag-uuusapan, ‘wag ka nang makikialam?
KRIS: Aray ko. I hate youuu! Why? Fault ko bang nag-DVD shopping siya. Care bears! Cheap n’ya huh! Next message Ate Ballsy!

Toooooooot!
“Mr. President, Niel Tupas here. Wishing you good health and a sound mind. May you have many more birthdays to come. Happy birthday. You’re the best!”

KRIS: In fairnesssssss, hindi halatang nasabon mo siya last weeeeeek. Aha-ha-ha
NOY: Kristina!!!
KRIS: Uki, quiet na lang ako. Fine! Ate Pinky, next message! Press mo naaa!

Toooooooot!
“Hi Babe Roman, sunduin mo na ako sa TV5. Finished na ang Will Time Big Time. ‘Tapos, kain tayo sa… Oh my, mali, ang na-dial kong number! Kanino ba ‘to? Bakit walang name. Sorry.”

KRIS: Nakakalokah! You gave Shalani pala your new number? I’m sure, sinend mo ‘yon via business card. Akala ko pa naman nag-move on ka na!
NOY: Hindi ako ang nagbigay ng number sa kanya! Hindi na kami nagti-text!
KRIS: Eh bakit nagba-blush ka? Aha-ha-ha Bahala ka sa buhay mo! Ipaliwanag mo ‘yan kina Roman at Mons. Basta ako, care bears! Ate Ballsy, next message!

Toooooooot!
“Hello, Noyshi? This ish GMA, your predecesshor and former economicsh professhor. I have noted with sadnessh the increashing vacuum of leadership, vishion, energy and execution in managing our economic affairsh. There’s economic ssshtagnation, government lethargy, and nobody-home leadership while presumptuously encouraging gosship about one’s love life in which no one can posshibly be intereshted. In short, it’s the economy, ishtudent.”


KRIS: Noy, may I react?
NOY: ‘Wag mo nang patulan Kristina.
KRIS: Nooo! I will say what I wanted to say. Not to be disrespectful Mrs. Arroyo, but I think my brother has been doing his best for this country. I’m sure my dad – a national hero, and my mom, an icon of democracy are proud of him. Bakit Mrs Arroyo, sino po ba ang nakakulong ngayon? Sino po ba ang patung-patong ang kaso? Sino po ba…
NOY: Kristina, tama na.
KRIS: Wait lang! Sino po ba ang nasa hospital at nagsa-suffer? Sino po ba ang hindi maka-travel? Si Noy po ba? O kayo?
BALLSY: Krissy, answering machine ang kausap mo. Mukha kang tanga!
KRIS: Gosh, oo nga, I forgot. Hay naku! Ito naman kasing si Viel hindi nagsasalita. ‘Yan tuloy, mega-emote ako sa answering machine. Ate Pinky, next message please!

Toooooooot!
“Mr. President, this is CJ Corona. Diktador ka! Isinusumpa ko, hindi maibabalik sa ‘yong pamilya ang Hacienda Luisita. Tandaan mo ‘yan! Sandali, birthday mo daw? Pakialam ko!”


KRIS: I hate him! I really hate him. Sana ma-convict ka! Hate you much!
NOY: High blood ka na naman.
KRIS: And have you seen his wife Noy? I swear, she looks like a matandang Kiray.
NOY: I know.
KRIS: In fairness, nag-agree ka! You hate him talaga ‘no? Aha-ha-ha Next message please.

Toooooooot!
“Hi Sir! Grace Lee here. Thanks for keeping me company last night. I totally enjoyed it. By the way, it’s your birthday. Saengil chukha hamnida! What do you want pala on your birthday? I might just give it.”


KRIS: Oh my God. Keri mo ‘yon Ate Pinky? Palay na ang lumalapit ngayon sa manok! Noy, grab it! Tuka lang nang tuka! Aha-ha-ha!
BALLSY: Krissy, your language.
KRIS: I’m sorry. Do you like her Noy?
NOY: Pwede bang next message na!?
KRIS: Ay, madaya! Nooo. Sagutin mo muna. Are you attracted to her?
NOY: Basta.
KRIS: Anong basta? Helllooo! Ano ka 17? Fifty-two ka na. Either you’re into her or not.
NOY: Pag-iisipan ko pa.
KRIS: Aww, that’s a bit gay. Promise.
NOY: Kristina!! Nasa pamamahay kita!
KRIS: Uki… quiet na lang ako. Fine. Again. Next message…

Toooooooot!
“Hi Sir, si Grace Lee ulit ‘to. ‘Di ba ‘you suggested that I see Kris? You think magugustuhan n’ya ako? Alam mo naman ‘yong kapatid mo, kapag ayaw sa tao, ayaw talaga niya! She’s such a character!”

KRIS: Helllllloooo! Intrigahin ba ako!?! Hay naku Noy, gusto ko na siyang mameet in person. I can’t wait.
PINKY: Krissy, ‘yan ka na naman. The girl seems to be nice.
KRIS: Helllooo. ‘Yan din ang sabi n’yo kay Shalani. O, nasa’n na siya ngayon? Tama ang kutob ko!
NOY: Kristina! Kapag ‘di ka tumahimik d’yan, hindi na ko magya-yaya kina Josh at Bimby sa Bahay Pangarap this weekend!
KRIS: Ayyyy, threatening much! Uki… quiet na lang ako. Fine! Next message Ate Ballsy.

Toooooooot!
“Mr. President, at your service, Senator Frank Drilon here. I’m wishing you a happy birthday. ‘Yong gift ko… panoorin mo na lang ang impeachment trial. You’ll notice naman eh. Happy birthday.”


KRIS: I love you Tito Frank! He’s sooo cute Noy, do you agree? Para siyang lalaking Juana Change. Aha-ha-ha
NOY: Don’t ever mention the name of that woman again.
KRIS: Ooops, sorry naman. Edwin Lacierda ang peg? Hate mo pa rin si Juana Change?
NOY: Sabi ko, huwag mo nang babanggitin ang pangalang ‘yan!
KRIS: Ay! Mad ang lolo n’yo! Uki… quiet na lang ako. Anyway, kay Tito Frank… you’re doing a great job. Sobrang fair mo sa trial as in! ‘Noy, ‘di ba may dinner kayo ni Tito Frank at ng prosecution team tomorrow night?
NOY: Kristina! That’s supposed to be confidential!
KRIS: Gano’n?!? Uki… quiet na lang ako. Sorry. Last message… Ate Ballsy, press mo naaaa!

Toooooooot!
“Mr. Prisidint, si Manny Pacquiao po ‘to. Sabi ng mga taga-Ruma sa Chaptir 13, Virs 8: Huwag kayong magkakaroon ng utang kaninuman, maliban sa saguting magmahalan sa isa’t isa, sapagkat ang nagmamahal sa kapwa ay tumutupad sa Kautusan.” Maligayang kaarawan Mistir Prisidint. Make lab not war. To air is human, and it is divine. Think you, think you at maraming salamat sa pagsupurta sa Mani Mini Prizes.”

KRIS: Nakakaloka! Pati ba naman sa answering machine, mag-promote??!! Hindi ko siya kinakaya!
NOY: Hayaan mo na Kris.
KRIS: ‘Tsaka, ‘to air is human.’ Gross! Promise. That’s so gross! And what did he say before that? Make lab??? Anong tingin n’ya sa ‘yo Noy? Scientist! Aha-ha-ha ‘Sabagay, mukha ka namang nerd.
NOY: Kristina!!!
KRIS: Uki, quiet na lang ako. Fine.

BALLSY: Before we have dinner Noy, I just wanted to say na this has been a good week for us. Not just for the family but for the prosecution panel in the impeachmen trial. Pero higit sa lahat…
KRIS: Ako na Ate Ballsy! Moment ko ‘to! Guys, I am single again! Yeyyyyy! Happiness!
(Applause)
KRIS: Promise ko sa inyo Noy, Ate Ballsy, Ate Pinky, Ate Quiet Viel, never ko na kayong bibigyan ng sakit ng ulo when it comes to men. Natuto na talaga ako promise!
BALLSY: Sure na ba ‘yan?
KRIS: Sure na!  Pero aminin n’yo, ang cute talaga ni Coco Martin. Aha-ha-ha ‘Di ba Noy?
NOY: Sort of. Joooke!
KRIS: Sort of? Meh ganun? Kaloka. Teka, last na lang… gusto ko siyempreng pasalamatan ang mga lawyers ko, at si James na rin for being cooperative. At higit sa lahat, thank you, thank you talaga, love na love ko na siya dahil super bilis siyang nakapag-decide sa annulment case na ito: Makati City RTC Judge Cristina Sulit! To Judge Sulit, I love you naaa. (Noy raises hand) Yes, Noy…
NOY: Sulit? What’s Sulit mama?!
KRIS: Ayyy, hindi mo keri! Mukha kang tanga. Aha-ha-aha
NOY: Uki… quiet na lang ako. Fine.

Happy 52nd birthday Mr. President!
——————————————————————————————————-
“Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.”
~Jennifer Yane

Quote of the Day
“I hope he makes a good choice if he is choosing at his age. He should be choosing for a potential mate unless he is resigned to be a bachelor forever then I will advise him that it is a life of complete misery. Everyone needs a partner in life, a life partner. Let’s wish him good luck in his search.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago on President Aquino’s love life

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Author: professionalheckler

See About the Heckler

74 thoughts on “HAPPY BIRTHDAY MR. PRESIDENT!”

  1. katuwaan lang naman ito. at dahil nasa gitna pa tayo ng malulungkot na pangyayari kaugnay ng 6.9 lindol sa kabisayaan, hindi naman siguro masamang tumawa ng malakas dahil sa imbentong kabulastugan ng writer. napatawa mo na po kami. now, ano naman po ang naitulong mo sa mga biktima ng lindol sa kabisayaan? meron ba? Humabi po sana kayo ng isang panalangin kung saan kapag inusal ng taong-bayan ay magliliwanag sa kalangitan at uulan ng mga biyaya at kaligtasan.

    Like

    1. Hi Rey,

      firstly, thank you for dropping by. either you’re a newbie here or a newbie here.

      secondly, i need not write about my acts of kindness. I need not trumpet the donations i’ve given to victims of calamities. I need not heap praises on my having volunteered to pack relief goods for disaster victims. that is not me. that’s not my style.

      you said i am writing “kabulastugan,” well, opinyon mo ‘yan. nagtataka lang ako kung bakit nagbabasa ka ng kabulastugan.

      lastly, kung gusto mong makabasa ng PANALANGIN, sorry to disappoint you but you are in the wrong blog.

      let me refer you though to the CBCP’s website: Again, thank you for dropping by and for reading this kabulastugan.

      Amen!
      The Professional Heckler

      Like

    2. rey, this blog is for people who want to laugh and be happy. there is a proper blogs for every topic. we know we live in a democratic country and you can express what you wanted to say but i guess you must also know when and where to do it. kung magkasayahan man kami sa page ni ph, it doesn’t mean we do not care sa mga nangyayari sa ating bansa. but as said, there is a proper venue for such matter. wala lang basagan ng trrip pre.

      Like

  2. The Aquino family is a textbook example of a dysfunctional family: Noy is the bum/black sheep only brother, Ballsy is the domineering eldest sister, Pinky is the insecure and ugly sister, Viel is the quiet and virginal sister, Kris is the whore/rebel sister, Josh is the hyperactive and AD/HD youngest child and Josh is er…Budoy of the family

    Like

    1. welcome to the aquino family. we are in group therapy so please leave a message.

      ‘”If you are obsessive-compulsive , please
      press 1 repeatedly.

      If you are co-dependent , please ask
      someone to press 2.

      If you have multiple personalities, please
      press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

      If you are paranoid-delusional , we know
      who you are and what you want. Just stay
      on the line so we can trace the call.

      If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully
      and a little voice will tell you which
      number to press.

      If you are depressed, it doesn’t matter
      which number you press. No one will
      answer.

      If you are delusional and occasionally
      hallucinate, please be aware that the thing
      you are holding on the side of your head is
      alive and about to bite off your ear.”

      source – unknown

      Like

    1. senior nakita ko sa kc concepcion unedited post ni ph na nagbilang ka ng mga comments don at umabot ka yata ng mahigit 300. for your sake and out of curiosity kahit nakakaduling, i counted and it reached 665 comments as of today. sa tingin mo may nakita ka bang comments na mas dadami pa don?

      Like

      1. hahaha ano ka ba onat, siguro bagets ka pa ano,
        papaano hindi ka maduduling eh you counted the
        comments literally, hindi ganuon, tingnan mo lang
        doon sa may itaas portion, in between the article
        itself and the comments, may number of responses
        na nakasulat…

        pero na touch ako doon sa sinabi mo na ‘for your sake’
        siguro mabait ka na bata..

        sa tingin ko, may mas marami pang comments kaysa
        kay about kc, parang about arroyo, way way back,
        before kc pa, hayaan mo at kung may oras, hahanapin
        ko yun, for you naman, ok?

        Like

      2. oo nga pala senior, sa sobrang interesting kasi ng post ni ph pati mga commnents di ko na napapansin yung count ng responses sa taas hehehe, sensya na tao lang po, to err is human, to repeat it is stupidity, so am sure won’t repeat such blunder. thanks for educating me sir.

        Like

    1. hindi nasesante si llamas kasi:
      1. mawawalan si pnoy ng kabarilan na laging nagpapatalo sa kanya.
      2. mababawasan sya ng kasama sa gabinete na maninipis ang buhok, hello butch abad.
      3. wala nang mahihiraman si pnoy ng pirated dibidi

      kaya sorry na lang si nbi dir gatdula, tanggal agad, si llamas pitik tenga lang. next na pagkakamali ni llamas, kurot na sa singit.

      Like

  3. is lito lapid advising grace lee

    mon – “p-noy offered me PSG protection. i declined”
    tues – “p-noy did NOT offer me PSG protection”

    wed – “we speak on the phone for 3-4 hours”
    thurs – “we do NOT talk on the phone for 3-4 hours”

    friday – ” p-noy is the most intelligent man i have ever met”
    no need to retract that – the truth is obviously a stranger

    Like

  4. feb 6 – aquino appoints senator escudero’s mother to UP board – another one bites the dust.
    hacienda luisita looking safe.
    kris’s shares must be worth over a billion.
    no wonder she wanted a quick annulment.
    she may have shared james yap with grace lee but she is not sharing hl with anyone.

    Like

  5. one of your funniest entries, loi !
    could almost hear kristeta’s irritating voice.

    i’m sure hahabulin nito
    (in terms of number of comments)
    ang “kc concepcion: unedited”,
    thanks to mr rey manalo
    (the eejit at 17:39:47).

    iniisip ko pa ang rejoinder ko
    to his shtooopid comment.

    hehe…

    Like

  6. nyahahaha laugh trip ung what’s sulit mama ni pnoy, naimagine ko tuloy itsura ni pnoy kung sakali, di nga bagay nyahahaha

    to all those who don’t want grace lee for pnoy, just be happy for them because it’s a win-win situation (at least for them), free publicity for grace lee and as for pnoy…

    it is indeed more fun in the philippines -_-;

    Like

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