HORSES

28 02 2012

BREAKING:
Lead prosecutor Niel Tupas says the prosecution panel in the Corona impeachment trial has decided to terminate its presentation of evidence. But Tupas categorically denied rumors the decision was due to the panel’s low threshold for mockery.

The prosecution panel will no longer present evidence for Articles 1,4,5,6 and 8 – otherwise known as the ‘weakest allegations.’

Lead prosecutor Niel Tupas announced they would present evidence to three Articles of Impeachment only. That’s 3 out of 8 or 37.5 percent. In school, that’s an F.

After 25 days of trial, the prosecution panel has decided to terminate its presentation of evidence. And the defense panel was like, “Pucha naman, bakit biglaan? Ngangaragin n’yo kami eh.”

The prosecution will no longer present evidence. It’s Cuevas and company’s turn. Or as today’s youth would say, DoTA: Defense of the Ancients.

ACCORDING TO PRESIDENT AQUINO, his parents told him that horses were ‘created by God.” So when a teacher asked him to “make a horse” out of a three-piece puzzle during his kindergarten entrance test, he refused. He flunked the test. And was unanimously voted “Most Likely to Preserve Stubbornness ‘Til He’s 60.”

As a little boy, President Aquino believed his parents when they told him that only God can make a horse. So when he was instructed to create one using a three-piece puzzle during his kindergarten entrance test, he refused. To be fair to him, he was able to create a luxury car instead.

President Aquino flunked his kindergarten entrance test for refusing to create a horse using a three-piece puzzle. He insisted that “only God can make a horse.” Or as his fellow examinees would say, “palusot.”

In a related news, kindergarten is now mandatory in public schools starting June 2012. Parents are strongly advised to prepare their young children for school by telling them that not only God can make horses.

Fast forward to 2012, President Aquino was told that his dear friend, Pagcor Chair Bong Naguiat received bribes from a gambling tycoon. The president refused to believe it saying only the Arroyos and his political foes are capable of doing that.

Naguiat Cleared
A week after Malacañang cleared him of impropriety following reports he accepted perks from a gambling tycoon, embattled Pagcor chairman Cristino ‘Bong’ Naguiat was cleared by the House of Representatives. Another Wynn win for Naguiat!

Day 24
Prosecution spokesperson Miro Quimbo was quoted to have said, “Hindi namin sinubukang isipin o gawing humingi ng tulong sa Malacañang. (Sa) tingin namin hindi appropriate ‘yon.” Luckily for the prosecution, Malacañang believes in the spirit of volunteerism.

Congressman Miro Quimbo said, “Hindi namin sinubukang isipin o gawing humingi ng tulong sa Malacañang. (Sa) tingin namin hindi appropriate ‘yon.” Nope, Quimbo didn’t commit perjury. He’s not under oath.

INC Gathering
The influential religious sect Iglesia Ni Cristo will gather its flock Tuesday in what organizers described as a “Grand Evangelical Mission” or as political observers would say, “show of force.”

President Aquino will definitely ‘watch what happens’ tonight.

Castelo’s Jeep
Mr. Anti-Planking Solon strikes again. Quezon City Rep. Winnie Castelo recently filed House Bill 5850, which requires jeepney manufacturers to provide a standard seating space capacity of 357 millimeters or 14 inches per passenger. Castelo says the bill seeks to avoid passenger discomfort… the same feeling you get when you read his proposed measures.

In Entertainment
Martin Scorese’s ‘HUGO’ won five Oscars matching the haul of Best Picture winner ‘The Artist.’ It’s safe to say that ‘HUGO’ is a VICTOR.

Sen. Lito Lapid’s bet ‘The Artist’ won Best Picture. The senator likes silent films.

Michel Hazanavicius wins Best Director for ‘The Artist.’ He outScoredsese.

Christopher Plummer becomes the oldest actor to win an Oscar at age 82. There’s still hope for a PMPC trophy Kuya Germs!

Best Supporting Actor winner Christopher Plummer is 82. Or as Senator Loren Legarda would probably say, “Just perfect.”

‘The Descendants’ wins for Adapted Screenplay. At home, Pax and Maddox Jolie-Pitt were like, “That category sounds like us.”

Woody Allen wins for Best Original Screenplay for ‘Midnight in Paris.’ Coming in close second in the voting was Congressman Rey Umali.

Jean Dujardin wins Best Actor for ‘The Artist’ – to the utter disappointment of E.R. Ejercito who blamed Kris Aquino for openly campaigning for the French actor.

African-American Octavia Spencer won Best Supporting Actress for ‘The Help.’ Had her co-actress Viola Davis won Best Actress for the same movie, it would have been a Black-to-Black victory.

Meryl Streep won Best Actress for ‘The Iron Lady.’ Meryl lynches competition earning her third Oscar trophy.

This just in: Best Actress nominee Glenn Close has denied reports she will seek damages from the Academy after her loss.

One of my favorite segments in the Oscars telecast is “In Memoriam” where they remember the departed. Yesterday, the Academy paid tribute to the likes of Whitney Houston, Elizabeth Taylor, Steve Jobs, and Charlie Sheen’s career.

‘Manila Kingpin: The Asiong Salonga Story’ won 8 trophies. ‘The Artist’won 5.  Wala lang.

WVG Retires
GMA 7’s senior vice president for entertainment Wilma V. Galvante has retired. There’s no truth to rumors that Galvante will be replaced by Annabelle Rama.
————————————————————————–
“The winner’s edge is not in a gifted birth, a high IQ, or in talent. The winner’s edge is all in the attitude, not aptitude. Attitude is the criterion for success.”
~ Dennis Waitley

Quotes of the Day
“Ang dami ninyong komentaryo sa senator-judges, kung mag-komentaryo kaya kami sa trial at sa inyong competence? In fact, about your mental sanity aber, gusto ninyo? I have evidence against a certain congressman when he testified here. ‘Wag ninyo akong pilitin, I can prove that he is lying under oath, be careful.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago scolding anew the prosecution panel

“You’re only two years older than me darling, where have you been all my life?”
~ 82-year-old actor Christopher Plummer to the Oscar statuette after winning Best Supporting Actor for the film ‘Beginners’ – his first Oscar win

Personal
Congratulations to the Western selection for winning the 2012 NBA All Stars. The Lakers’ Kobe Bryant also made history when he surpassed Michael Jordan’s All Stars scoring record. Woohoo!

Stay safe. Have a wonderful day!

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SLAM BOOK

26 02 2012

TWO WEEKS AGO, Chief Justice Renato Corona dared President Aquino to make public his alleged psychological records. Malacañang has denied the existence of such document saying it’s just a rehash of.the ‘mental state’ issue that first surfaced during the 2010 presidential campaign. I did my own research but found nothing except for this recent slam book entry purportedly written by President Aquino himself. Enjoy!









—————————————————————-
“When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion.”
~Dale Carnegie

Have a great week ahead!

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PHILIPPINES 2052

24 02 2012

Philippine Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2052

World’s oldest man is a Filipino;
Juan Ponce Enrile celebrates 128th birthday

Ex-president Benigno Simeon Aquino III denies romance
with 23-year lady broadcaster; appeals for privacy

Battling Alzheimer’s:
Nine-term president Jejomar Binay finally steps down;
Appoints son Jejomar Erwin as replacement

Hacienda Luisita farmers seek reversal of SC ruling favoring Cojuangcos;
big protest rally slated on Labor Day

Citing poor health:
Pampanga mayors seek presidential pardon for GMA;
centenarian grandma marks 36 years in prison today

From Edsa to Smart-Epifanio De Los Santos Avenue:
House approves proposed bill on second reading

Retired 2-time PBA MVP Bimby Aquino Yap: “I am gay!”
Kris, James stunned; Boy Abunda expresses support for inaanak

JBC recommends five names for Chief Justice post;
Renato Corona III and Antonio Carpio IV neck-and-neck in voting

Boxing Hall of Famer Manny Pacquiao denies affair with sexy starlet;
Wife Jinkee leaves conjugal palace, mulls divorce

After 40 years:
Court convicts with finality 10 members of SBC’s Lambda Rho Beta frat;
family of hazing victim Marvin Reglos hails decision

Guinness cites CPP-NPA for world’s longest running insurgency;
wheelchair-bound Joma Sison accepts certificate in The Hague

US recognizes independence of Mindanao;
Washington sends official envoy to Lanao

Rodrigo Duterte IV executes last remaining suspected drug pusher in Davao;
human rights advocates condemn killing

Imelda Romualdez Marcos is (finally) dead at 123;
Marcos loyalists demand hero’s burial for former First Lady

PH wins first Olympic gold in synchronized texting;
men’s group takes silver in Temple Run

Hans Sy Jr. inaugurates SM Mall of Europe in Brussels

Largest in PCSO history:
Jackpot prize in SuperUltraMegaGrandForever Lotto 6/75 draw hits 5 billion pesos

Number of South Koreans in PH exceeds Seoul population;
Bureau of Immigration alarmed, issues stricter guidelines on aliens

Kris Aquino’s endorsement seen to double sales of local adult diaper brand

Confeeeermed:
Bekinese is 3rd most widely spoken language in the Philippines: SWS

ABS-CBN launches new show vs. 73-year-old ‘Eat Bulaga’
Pilot episode of ‘It’s Happy Yipee Showtime Yehey Pilipinas Win na Win’ airs Saturday

Vicki Belo, 94 finally reveals secret to staying young – formalin;
confirms break up with 27 year old gym instructor

IN THE NEWS NOW
Gas prices are going up. Prices of commodities are going up. Toll rates have gone up. And now, the unemployment rate is up from 20.2 to 24 percent. You’ve just got to stand in awe of this government’s level of consistency.

From 20.2 percent, the country’s jobless rate grew to 24 percent. Malacañang is having a hard time figuring out how to blame that on GMA or Renato Corona.

Gas prices continue to go up. The number of jobless Filipinos is also growing. Sought for reaction, President Aquino was like, “Technically, may pagbabago. At least.”

NBI Deputy Director Reynaldo Esmeralda is being accused of staging a fake ambush on himself. Apparently, he dreams of becoming Senate President someday.


Amid accusations that he accepted bribes from a gambling tycoon, Pagcor chairman Cristino ‘Bong’ Naguiat Jr., President Aquino’s close friend – got the full support and backing of Malacañang. And Ronald Llamas was like, “Welcome to the club Bong!”
—————————————————————————————–
“I do not believe we can repair the basic fabric of society until people who are willing to work have work. Work organizes life. It gives structure and discipline to life.”
~Bill Clinton

Quote of the Day
“Look at both sides before making a judgment. Double standard eh. ‘Pag kaibigan, acquitted. ‘Pag kaaway, guilty.”
~Prof. Winnie Monsod reacting to reports that Malacañang quickly defended embattled Pagcor Chair Bong Naguiat on bribery allegations

“ABS-CBN News and ANC cannot be accused of anti-Corona bias. They live stream & cover live the uninterrupted stupidity of prosecution.”
~Former Congressman Teddyboy Locsin via Twitter

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DAY 21

22 02 2012

FEBRUARY 21 is International Mother Language Day. In belated celebration of this UN-declared observance, I am writing this regular post in Filipino!

Ngayon ay Pebrero 22, 2012 – ang unang araw ng Lent o Kuwaresma. Ash Wednesday pa lamang ngayon pero kahapon pa Biyernes Santo ang mukha ng prosecution panel.

Hindi pinayagan ni Presiding Officer Juan Ponce Enrile na tumestigo sa impeachment trial ni Chief Justice Renato Corona ang vice president for sales ng Philippine Airlines na si Enrique Javier. Flight canceled.

Dismayado ang prosecution panel sa naging pasya ng impeachment court na huwag pagsalitain ang kanilang testigo. Ngunit mas dismayado si Enrique Javier sa naantala niyang TV debut.

Nagpasya ang prosecution panel na idrop na lamang ang ilang alegasyong nakapaloob sa Article III ng impeachment complaint. Hindi naman sinabi ng grupo kung kailan nila ida-drop bilang pinuno si Niel Tupas.

Hinamon ni Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile ang prosekusyon na palitan siya bilang Presiding Officer sa impeachment trial kung hindi sila kuntento sa kanyang mga ruling. Sa ‘di maipaliwanag na dahilan, nakaramdam ng excitement si Senador Edgardo Angara.

Hindi pa rin natutukoy kung sino ang nag-leak sa bank documents ni Chief Justice Renato Corona. Itinanggi na ito ng bangko, itinanggi na ito ng AMLA, itinanggi na ito ng Bangko Sentral. Pwes, imbestigahan ang RA Gapuz Review Center!

Sa ibang balita…
Nag-courtesy call ang Hollywood actor na si Jeremy Renner kay Pangulong Aquino. The Bourne Legacy meets the Burnt Legacy.

Dahil sa nakatakdang arraignment bukas ni Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo, hinigpitan na ng pulisya ang seguridad. Sa katunayan, wala na raw mas hihigpit pa rito… maliban na lang sa mukha ni Vicki Belo.

Sa Police Report: Isang lalaki ang inaresto matapos diumanong magnakaw ng pitumpu’t anim na piraso ng bra sa SM San Lazaro. Ayon sa suspek, wala nang gatas ang kanyang anak kaya’t dibdiban ang paghahanap niya ng pera.

Sa Maynila, nagkapasa-pasa ang katawan ng isang beinte-tres anyos na lalaki matapos mapagtripang bugbugin ng isang grupo ng kalalakihan. Hindi pa tiyak kung ang mga suspek ay miyembro ng isang gang o miyembro ng Lambda Rho Beta ng San Beda College.

At sa Showbiz… Mula Amerika ay bumalik sa bansa noong Lunes ang kontrobersyal na celebrity doctor na si Vicki Belo. Tinangka ni Belo na lituhin at pagtaguan ang media sa pamamagitan ng pagsakay sa wheelchair, pagtatalukbong ng kumot, at pagsusuot ng luma niyang mukha.

Sakay ng wheelchair si Vicki Belo nang lumabas ito ng NAIA noong nakaraang Lunes. Marami tuloy ang nagtatanong kung nakakapilay raw ba ang Oedipus Complex.

Mga Tampok na Larawan sa Linggong Ito

Sen. Kiko Pangilinan: Bakit may kopya ka ng love letter ni Presidente kay Grace Lee?
Sen. Panfilo Lacson: Aba, malay ko bang love letter ito. May maliit na babaeng nag-abot nito sa akin kanina.
Sen. Koko Pimentel: Mga tsismoso!
Sen. Antonio Trillanes: “Dear Blueberry Cheesecake, I hope to… ” BLUEBERRY Cheesecake?!? Ang cheesy ng pucha!

Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano: Ate, check mo nga kung anong pinagkakaabalahan ng matanda sa tabi mo.
Sen. Pia Cayetano: Wait, sisimple ako.
Sen. Chiz Escudero: Manong Joker, adjourned na ang trial. Tara na!
Sen. Joker Arroyo: Teka, binabasa ko lang ‘tong psychological records daw ni Noynoy na iniabot sa akin ni Manny.
Sen. Manny Villar: Ang ingay n’yo naman Manong. ‘Di ba sabi ko atin-atin lang muna ‘yan?

Sen. Jinggoy Estrada: Manong, alam n’yo ho ba ang pangalan ng magandang babaeng laging present sa gallery? Masama ang tingin ni Senator Angara eh.
Sen. Joker Arroyo: Naku, may bago pa ba d’yan? Hayaan mo na ang chickboy na ‘yon.
Sen. Frank Drilon: Gago ‘tong dalawang ‘to ah. Pinag-chi-chismisan ang brod ko sa Sigma Rho.

Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile: ‘Yon ang nabasa ko! Kaya raw hiniwalayan si Hayden Kho, kasi nga may kinalolokohang yoga instructor na mas bata at mas macho.
Sen. Tito Sotto: Sa yaman ni Vicki? Suwerte ‘yong lalaki!
Sen. Panfilo Lacson: In fairness, suwerte rin si Vicki!
Sen. Manny Villar: Bakit ba kailangang hiwalayan pa? ‘Di ba pwedeng double insertion? Joke lang!

Mrs. Cristina Corona: O, bakit umiiyak ka na naman? Ipakita mong hindi ka mahina.
Chief Justice Corona: Eh kasi, plano kong pumunta sa London Olympics. Bigla ba namang kinansela ng PAL ang Platinum Card ko. Ang sakit!

Atty. Judd Roy: Naknampoodle. Na-hack yata ang Twitter account ko. Ayun, pinagpipiyestahan ngayon ng palasyo! Asar!
Justice Cuevas: I’m sorry counsel. But your manifestation is immaterial, irrelevant and impertinent to our case. Teka, ano ba ‘yong Twitter?

Boom!
————————————————————————-
LAWYER: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics.
~The Cynic’s Dictionary

Quotes of the Day
“The court has already ruled. You are wasting the time of this court. My God! You have to have discipline here! You make allegations and you are going to expand it without making the proper changes in your Article 3.”
~Presiding Officer Juan Ponce Enrile

“Mga kriminal pala sila. Hindi sana pumapatay ng tao ang initiation nila.”
Hazing victim Marvin Reglos’ father

Enjoy the rest of the week!

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JUST SAYING

20 02 2012

COMPLETE THESE impeachment trial-inspired proverbs, idioms, and sayings:

1: Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and…
A: … he will live for a week.
B: … he will say thank you.
C: … he will win an impeachment trial.

2: For the prosecution: Necessity is the mother of…
A: … the small lady.
B: … God.
C: … nature.

3: For the defense: Necessity is the mother of…
A: … spokesperson
B: … objection.
C: … justice.

4: For the prosecution: Kapag may tiyaga…
A: … may mapapahiya
B: … may subpoena
C: … may press con

5: Justice delayed is…
A: … Justice Cuevas.
B: … Justice League.
C: … Justice Department.

6: Ang taong nagigipit…
A: … nagdadasal
B: … gastador
C: … kay Senator Drilon kumakapit

7: Kapag may itinanim…
A: … may magsasaka.
B: … may bukirin.
C: … may iwi-withdraw sa mismong araw na-impeach.

8: The proof of the pudding…
A: … is in the SALN.
B: … is in the cooking.
C: … is unclear.

9: An ounce of prevention…
A: … is a defense strategy.
B: … is worth nothing.
C: … is good for the health.

10: If anything can go wrong…
A: … why not?
B: … it’s the doing of the head of the prosecution.
C: … what for?

11: Magpakahaba-haba man ang prusisyon…
A: … prusisyon pa rin.
B: … mapapagod ang birhen.
C: … mauuwi pa rin sa conviction.

12. A little learning is…
A: … dangerous for Senator-judge Lapid.
B: … bliss.
C: … ignorance.

13. It’s better late than...
A. … later.
B. … no evidence at all.
C. … forever.

14: Hell hath no fury like…
A: … hell itself.
B: … a hypertensive female senator-judge.
C: … a talent manager.

15: Magbiro ka na sa lasing…
A: … ‘wag lang sa bading.
B: … ‘wag lang corny.
C: … ‘wag lang kay Bong Revilla

16: Ang lumalakad nang matulin…
A: … poorly crafted ang impeachment complaint
B: … snatcher
C: … naje-jebs..

17: Aanhin mo pa ang palasyo kung ang nakatira ay _______,
Mabuti pa ang bahay kubo, nakatira ay tao.

A: … kalbo.
B: … single.
C: … isip-bata.

18: To media men: You are what you…
A: … meet.
B: … re-tweet.
C: … interview.

19: Kung hindi madaan sa santong dasalan…
A: … ipagpamisa na lang.
B: … tirahin sa speeches at mga panayam.
C: … deadmahin.

20. To err is human, to forgive is…
A: … bovine.
B: … to forget.
C: … so not in President Aquino’s vocabulary.
——————————————————————————————————————-
“Somewhere in the world there is an epigram for every dilemma.”
~Hendrik Willem van Loon

IN THE NEWS NOW…
Pampanga 3rd District Rep. Aurelio “Dong” Gonzales Jr. has filed House Resolution No. 2140 to appeal to the local TV and movie industry to “minimize, prevent, or stop” depicting congressmen as “villains or crooks” in movies and telenovelas. Simply put, Gonzales is teling movie and TV producers to lie.


A House resolution was recently filed to appeal to the local television and movie industry to stop typecasting congressmen as crooks or villains. The resolution was filed by Paquito Diaz Aurelio Gonzales Jr.

Cong. Aurelio “Dong” Gonzales Jr. is appealing to the local TV and movie industry to stop depicting congressmen as crooks. In a related news, a congregation of crocodiles is appealing to the local TV and movie industry to stop depicting them as congressmen.

Quote of the Day
“My father and mother say the same thing–they would not have achieved what they had achieved if they didn’t find each other. Of course, that’s also what I’m aiming for.”
~President Noynoy Aquino on love and relationship

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Answers:
1C 2A 3B 4B 5A 6C 7C 8A 9A 10B 11C
12A 13B 14B 15C 16A 17ABC 18B 19B 20C





LINSPIRING

18 02 2012


OF COURSE, you’ve heard about NBA’s newest darling: Jeremy Lin. The Taiwanese-American point guard from the New York Knicks rose from obscurity to overnight legend. Sounds like Noynoy Aquino to me.

Jeremy Lin is a Harvard graduate with a degree in economics. I bet you didn’t know that. President Aquino is also an economics graduate. I bet you didn’t know that too.

New York Knicks point guard Jeremy Lin is inspiring so many people. He spreads positivity. President Aquino also inspired so many people. He’s now spreading negativity.

Jeremy Lin has an inspiring tale. He started with virtually nothing. Now, he seems to have everything. He kinda reminds me of the prosecution panel.

China is now claiming Jeremy Lin is one of their own… which isn’t suprising at all considering that China owns the world.

Aquino vs. Corona
President Aquino was at La Consolacion College in Manila last week. He presented evidence against Chief Justice Renato Corona.

The President was totally surprised to see students in the audience. His prepared speech was meant for senator-judges.

According to President Aquino, if Chief Justice Corona would be acquitted, it would be “extremely difficult, if not impossible” to sustain his fight against corruption. Isn’t it too early to make palusot?

Attacking the Chief Justice, the President said, “Lilinawin ko lang po: Walang personalan dito.” And La Consolacion students were like, “Wehhh?”

In response to the President’s latest tirade, Chief Justice Renato Corona challenged him to make public not only his financial but also his psychological records. To which the President replied, “Shut up Manny Villar!”

To those who failed to catch the President’s attack speech last Thursday, here’s the transcript.

What the president said
(What he wanted to say)

Ikalabing-anim po ng Enero nang magsimula ang paglilitis kay Ginoong Corona sa Senado. Pinili ko pong magmasid at manahimik muna ukol sa isyung ito, at buo pa rin po ang tiwala ko sa proseso.
(Paniwalang-paniwala ako kina Junjun Tupas na handang-handa sila sa mga ebidensya kaya quiet lang ako sa umpisa.)

Ngunit ano po ba ang nangyayari sa ngayon?
(Sobra na ang ginagawang panlalait sa prosekusyon. Nagre-reflect sa akin eh.)

Magpapa-etsa-puwera na lang po ba si Juan at Juana de la Cruz sa prosesong ito? Hahayaan na lang po ba natin na iilan ang magdesisyon para sa atin pong lahat?
(13-10?! Putik. Hindi ko matatanggap ang ganyang botohan!)

Iyan naman po ang sadya ko sa araw na ito: Liwanagin ang dapat liwanagin, at ituwid ang isyung pilit dinidiskaril ng ilan.
(Hoy Ellen Tordesillas! Mali ang sinulat mo tungkol kay Grace Lee! Anong kasal-kasal ang pinagsasasabi mo d’yan?! Umayos ka!)

Simple lang naman po ang tanong na nais sagutin ng paglilitis na ito: Dapat pa ba tayong magtiwala kay Ginoong Corona?
(Kailangan pa bang imemorize ‘yan?)

Alam naman namin kung bakit ka isiniksik ni Ginang Arroyo sa Korte Suprema: iyan po ay para pagtakpan ang katiwalian niya. ‘Di ba nagsimula lang naman ang lahat ng ito, nang muntik ka nang magtagumpay na patakasin si Ginang Arroyo?
(Grabe, hindi pa talaga ako maka-move on. This issue was so last year. Wala lang. Gusto ko lang ulit-ulitin.)

Tingnan na nga lang po natin ang Defense at Prosecution: maraming batikos ang inabot ng ating prosecution panel.
(Tatanga-tanga kasi. Kung alam ko lang na badly crafted ang Articles of Impeachment, sana ipinaayos ko muna. Excited kasi sa pork barrel ang mga hinayupak na ito!)

Lilinawin ko lang po: Walang personalan dito.
( ‘Di ko mapapalampas ang pang-aagaw nila sa aming hacienda. Pagbabayaran mo ito Renato Corona!)

Ang katarungan ay sinasagisag ng isang babaeng nakapiring at may hawak na timbangan. Bulag ang hustisya upang hindi masilaw ng kapangyarihan; patas ang timbangan dahil pantay ang hustisya para sa lahat.
(Of course, there is an exception to every rule. Cases in point: Ping Lacson, Rico Puno, and Ronald Llamas.)

Huwag na po sana nating hintayin na tayo mismo ang maagrabyado.
(Kung may hacienda kayo, I’m sure, lalo kayong makaka-relate.)

Manindigan na po tayo ngayon.
(Makiisa sa Black and White Movement. Abangan ang anunsyu ng gagawing pagkilos laban kay Corona. Thank you.)

Small Lady
Cong. Rey Umali is standing by his story about the “small lady” who allegedly gave him Corona’s bank records on February 2 even as prosecution panel member and Quezon City Rep. Jorge ‘Bolet’ Banal admitted he was in possession of the same bank documents as early as January 30. If Banal was the ‘small lady’ being referred to in the Umali story, he’s got a lot of explaining to do… to his wife.

Unexplained
Liberal Party stalwart and senator-judge Franklin Drilon believes Chief Justice Renato Corona has unexplained wealth. An offended Corona retaliated and accused Drilon of having ‘unexplained health.’

150 Years
Scientists are using technologies that could allow the next generation to live up to 150 years. It was the same technology reportedly used on Senator Enrile and Justice Cuevas.
————————————————————————
“Hate is too great a burden to bear. It injures the hater more than it injures the hated.”
~Coretta Scott King

Quotes of the Day
“Sabi niya, in due time ilalabas niya ang mga dokumento. Mawalang-galang na po, Ginoong Corona, marami pang naunang taon na nagpasa kayo ng SALN na puno ng katanungan. Kailan po ba ang due time? Mukha po yatang overdue ka na.”
~President Aquino

“Ganito po bang hustisya at fair play ang tinuturo ninyo sa kabataan? Huwag po natin ilayo ang usapin sa proseso ng Impeachment Court at idaan sa media ang paghusga sa akin. Pabayaan po nating umusad ang kaso nang ayon sa batas at sa proseso nito.”
~Chief Justice Renato Corona

Have a safe weekend!

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FLIPTOP BATTLE: IMPEACHMENT TRIAL EDITION

15 02 2012

IN OBSERVANCE of Valentine’s Day and in deference to Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile who marked his 88th birthday, Day 17 of the Corona Impeachment Trial was adjourned early. The live telecast of the trial was stopped. Unknown to the public though, some of the impeachment players opted to kill time in the session hall while waiting for their respective Valentine’s Day dinner. Some talked about the case. Others debated. The heated exchange led to a fliptop war between the two camps which got too personal. What transpired after the trial was caught on CCTV!

Match No. 1: Retired Justice Serafin Cuevas vs. Cong. Niel Tupas

Justice Cuevas:
Hindi ka naman shirt,’di ka naman pantalon
pero bakit tuwing trial, lagi kang nasasabon?
lahat ay kabado ‘pag tumatayo na si Tupas
‘di ka ba naiinsulto, mas impressed sila kay Fariñas!
Boom!

Cong. Niel Tupas
Mawalang-galang na ‘tanda, ‘di mo ba napansin
tanong ng senadora’y, nasasagot ko rin
good friends kami ni Rudy, ‘wag ka ngang makiangkas
masyado kang intrigero, pwede ka sa ‘The Buzz!’
Suuu-su-nod!

Justice Cuevas:
Ha-ha-ha
Bistado na brod ang inyong pagiging showbiz
ultimo “small lady” ginagawan n’yo ng tsismis
wasak na wasak ang istorya ni Rey Umali
‘di pwedeng isapelikula, iri-reject ni Mother Lily!
Boom!

Cong. Niel Tupas:
Sus!
Hindi naman isyu ang babaeng maliit
ang dapat n’yong sagutin: ‘Did CJ Corona cheat?’
wasak na istorya?!? eh ‘yong kwento n’yo ‘bout bribery
kahit yata gawing indie, ‘di papatulan ni Brillante!

Match No. 2: Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago vs. Cong. Niel Tupas

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago:
May duda akong ika’y lechon, mukha kang chicharon,
everytime I see you kasi, tumataas ang aking presyon
sumasabak kayo sa guerra, wala naman palang bala
pati fishing expedition sa Senado iniaasa!

Cong. Niel Tupas:
Laging ako, ako na lang, ang iyong nakikita
senator-judge ho ba kayo o kasapi ng depensa?
wala namang personalan, wala tayo sa Iloilo
masyado na ho kayong obvious, naloloka ako sa ‘yo!

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago:
‘Wag ka ngang istupido! Hindi ako namemersonal
galit lang ako sa tanga, hindi ka pa ba sanay?
Maiba ako…
‘musta naman ang mansion mo do’n sa Xavierville?
sa’n nga pala galing ‘yon? Katas ng pork barrel?
Joooke!

Cong. Niel Tupas:
Not funny!
Below the belt na po kayo Madam Senadora
tutukan na lang natin ang kaso ni Corona
and please, tigilan na ang pick-up lines n’yong corny
setenta’y sais na po kayo, ‘di na bagay maging horny!
Boom!

Match No. 3: Atty. Miro Quimbo vs. Atty. Tranquil Salvador

Atty. Miro Quimbo:
Kung walang ‘tinatago, ba’t panay ang objection?
niloloko n’yo ang tao, ginagalit buong nation
ang latest: may suhol daw si PNoy sa Senado?
naubusan na kayo ng bala, halatang desperado!
Boom!

Atty. Tranquil Salvador:
Ehem ehem ehem at sinong desperado?
Day 1 pa lang ng trial: evidence n’yo ay zero!
Ansabe ng prosekusyon? Sure sa conviction?
Bakit? Lahat ba ng senador ang last name ay ‘Drilon?’
Boom!

Atty. Miro Quimbo:
Ahh, shut the eff up. Ubod ka nang daldal bro!
pagsalitain mo naman si Karen Jimeno
manang-mana ka kasi sa papansin mong kliyente
may paiyak-iyak pa sa may balkonahe!

Atty. Tranquil Salvador:
Oo na! Ikaw na ang pogi at matinik
No wonder, love ka raw ng Globe Asiatique
Ooops! Sorry, did you find that offensive?
Btw, hello raw from the members of Pag-IBIG!
Boom!

Final Match: Prosecutor/Congressman Rey Umali vs. “Small Lady”

Cong. Rey Umali:
Sino bang lumapit? Bakit ako nasabit?
sa ‘kin hinahanap ang suspek na midget
‘di naman nagpakilala, kay bilis ng pangyayari
hindi ko siya masisi kung wala sa CCTV!

“Small Lady:”
Ulol!
Ako na nga ang ginamit, ako pa ngayon ang sinungaling?
bilib na ako sa ‘yong… “Maang-maangan School of Acting”
ang husay mo naman palang humabi ng istorya
bakit ‘di ka mag-submit ng entry sa Palanca?
Boom!

Cong. Rey Umali:
Tumahimik ka!
Ako ang may likha sa ‘yo
matuto kang gumalang
walang dapat makaalam,
na ika’y gawa-gawa lamang!

“Small Lady:”
Gawa-gawa na nga lang, minamaliit mo pa!
duda tuloy nila ako raw si Gloria
sana man lang, “pretty woman” o kaya “girl in magenta.”
palibhasa, sanay ka nang matawag na buwaya.

Cong. Rey Umali:
Ayoko na ng diskusyon
isa ka lang ilusyon!

“Small Lady:”
Ah gano’n?!
Pwes, maglabasan na tayo ng baho ngayon…
Mr. Presiding Officer… I have a manifestation.

Boom!
—————————————————————————————————————————-
“The charm of fishing is that it is the pursuit of what is elusive but attainable, a perpetual series of occasions for hope.”
~John Buchan

Quote of the Day
“You are gathering evidence by requesting a subpoena from this honorable court. And I warn you that this is going to be fatal error on your part.”
~Presiding Officer Juan Ponce Enrile to the prosecution panel
Day 16, Corona Impeachment Trial

Enjoy the rest of the week.
A shout out to everyone at the UP Fair (Diliman & Manila) and the UPLB Feb Fair! Have fun!

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DEFENSE

13 02 2012

Pangalan: Rey V. Umali
Posisyon: Kinatawan, 2nd District, Oriental Mindoro

Ang Kwento:
Nilapitan daw siya ng “small lady” sa Senate premises at inabutan ng isang envelope na naglalaman ng diumano’y bank documents ni Chief Justice Corona

Ang Sabi ng CCTV:
Walang gan’yang pangyayari. Etchosera ka.

Ang Aksyon:
Siya ay inoobligang magpaliwanag sa loob 24 oras.

Ang Kinaroroonan:
Ewan. Baka nagri-rehearse ng isasagot.

Ang Hamon at Pabuya:
Sinumang makapagbibigay ng impormasyon sa kinaroroonan ng kongresistang ito ay pasasalamatan ng Impeachment Court at bibigyan ng pagkakataong mag-kiss sa Presiding Officer na magdiriwang ng kanyang 88th birthday on Feb. 14, Araw ng mga Puso. Good luck!

SUNNY SATURDAY, rainy Sunday, half-sunny, half-rainy Monday. For the last three or four days, the weather has been unpredictable and weird. Just like Chief Justice Corona’s defense team.


Quoting reliable sources, lawyers of embattled Chief Justice Renato Corona revealed Malacañang was offering 100 million pesos each to senator-judges who will defy the Supreme Court’s order stopping the opening of Corona’s dollar accounts. That’s insane. Anong palagay n’yo sa mga senador, kongresista?!

The defense team of Chief Justice Renato Corona refuses to identify its source. But The Daily Tribune editor-in-chief Niñez Cacho-Olivares believes the source is “a impeachable.”

The defense panel has refused to identify its source. Doing a Rey Umali.

In a hastily called press conference, defense lawyers said, “The President is bent on convicting the Chief Justice at all costs.” Again, tell us something we don’t know.

Grace Lee In Love?
Veteran journalist Ellen Tordesillas wrote that television and radio personality Grace Lee, on her radio show, stated that her relationship with President Aquino was destined for the altar. Close friends of the Korean were not surprised at all. In high school, Grace Lee was allegedly voted “Most Likely to Marry a Geriatric Case.”

Some people are happy to see President Aquino and Grace Lee together. On the one hand, you have a seemingly desperate person who wants to finally get hitched, and on the other hand, you have President Aquino.

This just in:
Grace Lee is accusing Ellen Tordesillas of writing “an article of lies to sensationalize one’s private life.” The future first lady says “I’ve have never said anything remotely close to what her write up says I did. I believe the public deserves an apology from her.” To which, the public said, “Actually, we don’t. And please, huwag mo na kaming idamay.”

Singles
According to a study, there are 13 million single females and 16 million single males in the Philippines today. They are further categorized into two: ‘by choice,’ and ‘no choice.’

RIP Whitney Houston
Pop legend Whitney Houston has died. Apparently, when the Grim Reaper arrived, the bodyguard wasn’t there.

Investigators confirmed Whitney Houston was found in the bathtub of her room at Beverly Hilton Hotel. In her final moments, she was probably singing in the shower.

ABS-CBN and GMA 7 will pay tribute to Whitney Houston… by not letting Anne Curtis and Maxene Magalona sing any of her songs.

On Day 16 of the Corona Impeachment Trial, the impeachment court paid tribute to Whitney Houston. Impeachment players performed songs popularized by the Grammy winning artist.
Sen. Frank Drilon with prosecutors as backup singers: “Count On Me”

Sen. Joker Arroyo with defense lawyers as backup: “Saving All My Love For You”

Guest performer ex-senator Kit Tatad and CJ Corona: “I Know Him So Well”

Cong. Niel Tupas: “How Will I Know”

Sen. Ed Angara and Sen. Loren Legarda: “I Believe in You and Me”

Sen. Chiz Escudero: “Where Do Broken Hearts Go?”

Retired Justice Serafin Cuevas: “Exhale (Shoop, Shoop)”

Sen. Bong Revilla: “So Emotional”

Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile: “One Moment in Time”

Sen. Manny Villar and Sen. Bongbong Marcos: “Didn’t We Almost Have It All”

Sen. Lito Lapid: “I Have Nothing”

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago: “Queen of the Night”

Cong. Rudy Fariñas: “When You Believe”

Sen. Kiko Pangilinan and Sen. Segio Osmeña III with prosecutors as back up: “Run to You”

PSBank Robbery
A group of men breaks into a PSBank branch in Lipa City, Batangas. The group leader was identified as Niel Tupas.

Sen. Ping Lacson: “I’m Every Woman”

Vicki-Hayden Break Up
It’s over between Vicki Belo and one-time porn-videographer Hayden Kho Jr.  The controversial cosmetic expert is single again! You’ve been warned Zaijian Jaranilla!
————————————————————————————
“Every man has the price, I will bribe left and right.”
~Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton

Quote of the Day
“My birthday message to PNoy: I hope that the spirits of his parents, who did well for our country, will continue to guide him and that he will always be conscious of their high expectations—perhaps too high expectations—because it’s so difficult to be a president. Frankly, if the presidency is offered to me now on a silver platter at my age, after all my experience, I will politely decline it. I will be flattered, but I will decline it. It’s extremely difficult to be a president. Let us all wish him a happy birthday, in a sense that he might gain peace of mind and serenity.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago via Twitter @senmiriam

Have a great week! Stay in love!

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TABLOIDAL!

11 02 2012


A RUNDOWN of the week’s tabloid headlines:

Tabloid Headline: ‘Small lady’ wala sa CCTV ng Senado
> Sa sobrang liit hindi nahagip

Tabloid Headline: Sino nga ba ang mas mataas: Impeachment Court o Supreme Court?
> Definitely hindi ‘yong ‘small lady’

Tabloid Headline: Fariñas nag-sorry kay Bong
> Alternative Headline: Rudy at Bong, best friends na ulit

Tabloid Headline: Impeachment complaint, masama ang pagkakagawa – Fariñas
> ‘Tapos masama pa ang performance ni Tupas! Wagas!

Tabloid Headline: Prosekusyon to Corona: Buksan ang dollar accounts
> Corona to prosecution: You first.

Tabloid Headline: Sabi ni PNoy: Congressman-prosecution kulang sa practice
> At sa evidence.

Tabloid Headline: Belmonte, hanga sa tatag ng prosecution
> Love your own.

Tabloid Headline: Customs clerk na naghari-harian sa kalsada, binira ni PNoy
> Nainggit sa Porsche?

Tabloid Headline: PNoy at Grace, 3 to 5 oras kung mag-usap sa phone
> Mabuti pa ‘yong phone, busy. Eh ‘yong Pangulo?

Tabloid Headline: Kritiko (sa Lower House) ‘kinikilig’ sa bagong love ni PNoy
> Baka naman umiihi lang

Tabloid Headline: Suporta ng INC kay Corona walang epekto sa Palasyo
> Next year pa ang eleksyon.

Tabloid Headline: Jinggoy “umepal” kay Kris
> Eh mas epal pala sa kanya, walang nangyari

Tabloid Headline: Grace Ibuna, nasa last will ni Rep. Iggy Arroyo
> Aleli Arroyo nasa ill will

Tabloid Headline: Sen. Kiko Pangilinan, hinaharang ang balik-tambalan nina Sharon Cuneta at Gabby Concepcion?!
> Noted.

Tabloid Headline: ‘Eat Bulaga’ pinataob ang ‘It’s Showtime’
> Motto ng Bulaga: ‘Eat Showtime!’

Tabloid Headline: ‘Female’ status sa lalaking nagpa-sex change, bawal – Senado
> Sige, she-male na lang

Tabloid Headline: Hayden Kho, nakipag-date sa ibang babae
> Sa sobrang galit, mukha ni Vicki Belo gumalaw

Tabloid Headline: PNoy kukuning lead dancer ng DOH
> Not a good idea.

Tabloid Headline: PDEA: Babaeng pusher tumataas
> Pampatangkad na ang drugs? Baka naman ‘dumarami!’

Tabloid Headline: Suspek sa laundry shop robbery, nasakote
> Matapos masakote, sinabon
——————————————————–
“Newspapers cannot be defined by the second word—paper. They’ve got to be defined by the first word—news.”
~ Arthur Sulzberg, Jr.

Quotes of the Day
“The old Manny Pacquiao is gone. The new Manny Pacquiao has come.”
~Cong. Manny Pacquiao on being a reformed “Catholic Christian”

“He’s one of the many aspects of my life that makes me happy now.”
~TV/Radio personality Grace Lee on President Aquino

Have a great weekend!

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY MR. PRESIDENT!

8 02 2012

ON FEBRUARY 7, 2012, Kris Aquino surprised her brother, President Noynoy Aquino with a birthday bash on Times Street. The event was recorded on video; a portion of which was transcribed by the President’s staff. Last night, a mysterious “small lady” handed me a copy of the transcript. Indulge!


AQUINO siblings, their children and close friends, yayas, household help, members of the Presidential Security Group: SURPRISE!!!
KRIS AQUINO: Good evening everyone! Hello Noy! Naloka ka ‘noh? Andito kaming lahat! Aha-ha-ha
PRESIDENT NOY: (Coughs) Ginulat n’yo naman ako. Teka… si Viel ba ‘yong nasa may corner table?
KRIS AQUINO: Nakakainis ka! Que aga-aga, nagpapatawa ka! Of course! ‘Kita mo nang napaka-quiet ng table so malamang si Viel ang andun. Hellooooo! Common sense.
PRESIDENT NOY: Ok, okay. Ano bang meron?

KRIS: Kasi Noy, before you arrived, pinakialaman nina Ate Ballsy at Ate Pinky ang answering machine sa sala. Then,
PINKY: Wait lang, Kris… anong pinaki…
KRIS: Ayyy, denying… sige ka, magagalit si Mom sa ‘yo. Aha-ha-ha!
BALLSY: Para matigil na kayong dalawa, sige, ako na ang nakialam.
KRIS: ‘Yun na! To the rescue ang eldest! Winnnner! Aha-ha-ha
NOY: Puro kayo kalokohan eh. Inaantok na ‘ko. Pagod ako!
KRIS: Wait lang! Listen ka muna. Hellloooo. Pagod ka??? As if! Anyway, we will let you listen to 5 or 7 birthday messages left on your answering machine. Wala lang, Maiba lang. K na?
NOY: Si Josh ba and’yan? Kumain na ba ang mga bata?
KRIS: Ay, ang kulit! Iniiba pa ang usapan. Sinabi nang listen muna eh. Answering machine now, PSP later.
VIEL: Noy, pagbigyan mo na kasi.
KRIS: Ohhhhhh my Gaaaaaaahd! As in oh my God! Nagsalita si Viel! Minsan lang magsalita ‘yan. Sign ‘yan! Kaya pagbigyan mo na ako, Noy! Bilis na! Ready??
NOY: Sige na nga!
KRIS: Yey! I love youuu! Here’s the first message! Ate Pinky… press mo naaaaah!

Toooooooot!
“Pards, si Ronald Llamas ‘to. May tanong lang ako sa ’yo: Si Jesus Christ ka ba? Kasi, you keep saving me. Salamat pards! On your birthday, isa lang ang masasabi ko: Relax… see a movie.”

KRIS: O, bongga ‘di ba? May pick-up line pa ang lolo mo! Sipsip much? Why wasn’t he fired nga pala Noy?
NOY: Kris, ‘di ba sabi ko kapag trabaho ko na ang pinag-uuusapan, ‘wag ka nang makikialam?
KRIS: Aray ko. I hate youuu! Why? Fault ko bang nag-DVD shopping siya. Care bears! Cheap n’ya huh! Next message Ate Ballsy!

Toooooooot!
“Mr. President, Niel Tupas here. Wishing you good health and a sound mind. May you have many more birthdays to come. Happy birthday. You’re the best!”

KRIS: In fairnesssssss, hindi halatang nasabon mo siya last weeeeeek. Aha-ha-ha
NOY: Kristina!!!
KRIS: Uki, quiet na lang ako. Fine! Ate Pinky, next message! Press mo naaa!

Toooooooot!
“Hi Babe Roman, sunduin mo na ako sa TV5. Finished na ang Will Time Big Time. ‘Tapos, kain tayo sa… Oh my, mali, ang na-dial kong number! Kanino ba ‘to? Bakit walang name. Sorry.”

KRIS: Nakakalokah! You gave Shalani pala your new number? I’m sure, sinend mo ‘yon via business card. Akala ko pa naman nag-move on ka na!
NOY: Hindi ako ang nagbigay ng number sa kanya! Hindi na kami nagti-text!
KRIS: Eh bakit nagba-blush ka? Aha-ha-ha Bahala ka sa buhay mo! Ipaliwanag mo ‘yan kina Roman at Mons. Basta ako, care bears! Ate Ballsy, next message!

Toooooooot!
“Hello, Noyshi? This ish GMA, your predecesshor and former economicsh professhor. I have noted with sadnessh the increashing vacuum of leadership, vishion, energy and execution in managing our economic affairsh. There’s economic ssshtagnation, government lethargy, and nobody-home leadership while presumptuously encouraging gosship about one’s love life in which no one can posshibly be intereshted. In short, it’s the economy, ishtudent.”


KRIS: Noy, may I react?
NOY: ‘Wag mo nang patulan Kristina.
KRIS: Nooo! I will say what I wanted to say. Not to be disrespectful Mrs. Arroyo, but I think my brother has been doing his best for this country. I’m sure my dad – a national hero, and my mom, an icon of democracy are proud of him. Bakit Mrs Arroyo, sino po ba ang nakakulong ngayon? Sino po ba ang patung-patong ang kaso? Sino po ba…
NOY: Kristina, tama na.
KRIS: Wait lang! Sino po ba ang nasa hospital at nagsa-suffer? Sino po ba ang hindi maka-travel? Si Noy po ba? O kayo?
BALLSY: Krissy, answering machine ang kausap mo. Mukha kang tanga!
KRIS: Gosh, oo nga, I forgot. Hay naku! Ito naman kasing si Viel hindi nagsasalita. ‘Yan tuloy, mega-emote ako sa answering machine. Ate Pinky, next message please!

Toooooooot!
“Mr. President, this is CJ Corona. Diktador ka! Isinusumpa ko, hindi maibabalik sa ‘yong pamilya ang Hacienda Luisita. Tandaan mo ‘yan! Sandali, birthday mo daw? Pakialam ko!”


KRIS: I hate him! I really hate him. Sana ma-convict ka! Hate you much!
NOY: High blood ka na naman.
KRIS: And have you seen his wife Noy? I swear, she looks like a matandang Kiray.
NOY: I know.
KRIS: In fairness, nag-agree ka! You hate him talaga ‘no? Aha-ha-ha Next message please.

Toooooooot!
“Hi Sir! Grace Lee here. Thanks for keeping me company last night. I totally enjoyed it. By the way, it’s your birthday. Saengil chukha hamnida! What do you want pala on your birthday? I might just give it.”


KRIS: Oh my God. Keri mo ‘yon Ate Pinky? Palay na ang lumalapit ngayon sa manok! Noy, grab it! Tuka lang nang tuka! Aha-ha-ha!
BALLSY: Krissy, your language.
KRIS: I’m sorry. Do you like her Noy?
NOY: Pwede bang next message na!?
KRIS: Ay, madaya! Nooo. Sagutin mo muna. Are you attracted to her?
NOY: Basta.
KRIS: Anong basta? Helllooo! Ano ka 17? Fifty-two ka na. Either you’re into her or not.
NOY: Pag-iisipan ko pa.
KRIS: Aww, that’s a bit gay. Promise.
NOY: Kristina!! Nasa pamamahay kita!
KRIS: Uki… quiet na lang ako. Fine. Again. Next message…

Toooooooot!
“Hi Sir, si Grace Lee ulit ‘to. ‘Di ba ‘you suggested that I see Kris? You think magugustuhan n’ya ako? Alam mo naman ‘yong kapatid mo, kapag ayaw sa tao, ayaw talaga niya! She’s such a character!”

KRIS: Helllllloooo! Intrigahin ba ako!?! Hay naku Noy, gusto ko na siyang mameet in person. I can’t wait.
PINKY: Krissy, ‘yan ka na naman. The girl seems to be nice.
KRIS: Helllooo. ‘Yan din ang sabi n’yo kay Shalani. O, nasa’n na siya ngayon? Tama ang kutob ko!
NOY: Kristina! Kapag ‘di ka tumahimik d’yan, hindi na ko magya-yaya kina Josh at Bimby sa Bahay Pangarap this weekend!
KRIS: Ayyyy, threatening much! Uki… quiet na lang ako. Fine! Next message Ate Ballsy.

Toooooooot!
“Mr. President, at your service, Senator Frank Drilon here. I’m wishing you a happy birthday. ‘Yong gift ko… panoorin mo na lang ang impeachment trial. You’ll notice naman eh. Happy birthday.”


KRIS: I love you Tito Frank! He’s sooo cute Noy, do you agree? Para siyang lalaking Juana Change. Aha-ha-ha
NOY: Don’t ever mention the name of that woman again.
KRIS: Ooops, sorry naman. Edwin Lacierda ang peg? Hate mo pa rin si Juana Change?
NOY: Sabi ko, huwag mo nang babanggitin ang pangalang ‘yan!
KRIS: Ay! Mad ang lolo n’yo! Uki… quiet na lang ako. Anyway, kay Tito Frank… you’re doing a great job. Sobrang fair mo sa trial as in! ‘Noy, ‘di ba may dinner kayo ni Tito Frank at ng prosecution team tomorrow night?
NOY: Kristina! That’s supposed to be confidential!
KRIS: Gano’n?!? Uki… quiet na lang ako. Sorry. Last message… Ate Ballsy, press mo naaaa!

Toooooooot!
“Mr. Prisidint, si Manny Pacquiao po ‘to. Sabi ng mga taga-Ruma sa Chaptir 13, Virs 8: Huwag kayong magkakaroon ng utang kaninuman, maliban sa saguting magmahalan sa isa’t isa, sapagkat ang nagmamahal sa kapwa ay tumutupad sa Kautusan.” Maligayang kaarawan Mistir Prisidint. Make lab not war. To air is human, and it is divine. Think you, think you at maraming salamat sa pagsupurta sa Mani Mini Prizes.”

KRIS: Nakakaloka! Pati ba naman sa answering machine, mag-promote??!! Hindi ko siya kinakaya!
NOY: Hayaan mo na Kris.
KRIS: ‘Tsaka, ‘to air is human.’ Gross! Promise. That’s so gross! And what did he say before that? Make lab??? Anong tingin n’ya sa ‘yo Noy? Scientist! Aha-ha-ha ‘Sabagay, mukha ka namang nerd.
NOY: Kristina!!!
KRIS: Uki, quiet na lang ako. Fine.

BALLSY: Before we have dinner Noy, I just wanted to say na this has been a good week for us. Not just for the family but for the prosecution panel in the impeachmen trial. Pero higit sa lahat…
KRIS: Ako na Ate Ballsy! Moment ko ‘to! Guys, I am single again! Yeyyyyy! Happiness!
(Applause)
KRIS: Promise ko sa inyo Noy, Ate Ballsy, Ate Pinky, Ate Quiet Viel, never ko na kayong bibigyan ng sakit ng ulo when it comes to men. Natuto na talaga ako promise!
BALLSY: Sure na ba ‘yan?
KRIS: Sure na!  Pero aminin n’yo, ang cute talaga ni Coco Martin. Aha-ha-ha ‘Di ba Noy?
NOY: Sort of. Joooke!
KRIS: Sort of? Meh ganun? Kaloka. Teka, last na lang… gusto ko siyempreng pasalamatan ang mga lawyers ko, at si James na rin for being cooperative. At higit sa lahat, thank you, thank you talaga, love na love ko na siya dahil super bilis siyang nakapag-decide sa annulment case na ito: Makati City RTC Judge Cristina Sulit! To Judge Sulit, I love you naaa. (Noy raises hand) Yes, Noy…
NOY: Sulit? What’s Sulit mama?!
KRIS: Ayyy, hindi mo keri! Mukha kang tanga. Aha-ha-aha
NOY: Uki… quiet na lang ako. Fine.

Happy 52nd birthday Mr. President!
——————————————————————————————————-
“Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.”
~Jennifer Yane

Quote of the Day
“I hope he makes a good choice if he is choosing at his age. He should be choosing for a potential mate unless he is resigned to be a bachelor forever then I will advise him that it is a life of complete misery. Everyone needs a partner in life, a life partner. Let’s wish him good luck in his search.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago on President Aquino’s love life

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ADMONISHED

6 02 2012

A FRIEND who recently graduated from college dreams of owning a Porsche in three years. I told him he could have it in two if he’d apply for a clerical job at the Bureau of Customs.


Did you hear about the Bureau of Customs clerk who drives a Porsche? The guy is earning no more than 10,000 pesos a month! That isn’t fair. You don’t get to own properties beyond your means. Unless you’re the Chief Justice.

You know what’s unfair? Paulino Elevado, a Bureau of Customs clerk who earns no more than P10,000 a month is driving a white Porsche. That news broke last week. Today, rumors say the Porsche-driving clerk is even dating a hot Korean chick.

Customs Commissioner Ruffy Biazon says Paulino Elevado’s statement of assets, liabilities and net worth or SALN “is clean.” It means, he doesn’t have the capacity to buy a multimillion peso vehicle. Elevado explained though he was given a 40 percent discount because the car had leaks when he acquired it.

Admonished
Malacañang admonished political adviser Ronald Llamas in connection with his purchase of pirated DVDs recently. Likewise, he was strongly advised to avoid Circle C Mall, Quiapo, Metrowalk, Makati Cinema Square, and Dona Policar of the Philippine Daily Inquirer.

Malacañang has officially admonished Secretary Ronald Llamas. But the controversial political adviser isn’t totally off the hook yet. DVD vendors at the Circle C Mall are filing an ‘endangerment’ suit against him.

This just in: A recent unscientific survey showed that 85 percent of Filipinos wanted Llamas fired while 15 percent wanted him disciplined. The survey has a margin of error of plus or minus AK-47.

Donaire Jr. Wins
Nonito “The Filipino” Flash Donaire Jr. scored a split decision victory over Wilfredo Vazquez of Puerto Rico to win the WBO junior featherweight title. Nonito has never lost a bout since April 2001… except for that nasty fight against his father.

You know who else is talking about a ‘split decision?’ Aleli Arroyo and Lorna Kapunan.

Iggy’s Remains
Two women are now fighting over Cong. Iggy Arroyo’s remains: Aleli Arroyo, the legal wife, and Grace Ibuna, the live-in partner. Guess who’s going to win it big. Lorna Kapunan.

Facebook
Last February 4, Facebook turned 8. Or as former Congressman Romeo Jalosjos would say, “Interesting!”

Facebook, the most popular social networking site in the world is now 8 years old. If Facebook were Chinese, he’d already be working in a factory.

Facebook turned 8 years old last February 4. Unfortunately for Facebook, it’s still too young to join Facebook.

To date, Facebook has 845 million users. Wow! And Facebook isn’t even 18 yet!
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“It’s good to have money and the things that money can buy, but it’s good, too, to check up once in a while and make sure that you haven’t lost the things that money can’t buy.”
~George Horace Lorimer

Quote of the Day
“Whatever we talk about — whether politics, economics, books or music — he’s so knowledgeable. He knows a lot. Whenever some critics say bad things about him, that he’s not aggressive or that he’s not matalino, I’d debate them and tell them he’s very smart.”
~Grace Lee on President Aquino

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SAY GRACE

3 02 2012


PRESIDENT AQUINO has confirmed reports he recently dated TV host and radio jock Grace Lee. For the record, the President and Ms Lee have so far dated two or three times. Or as Niel Tupas and the prosecution team would probably say 45 times.

President Aquino admits he and Korean Grace Lee are seeing each other. The President believes that Grace is his Seoul mate.

Confirmed! TV and radio host Grace Lee, 29 is officially dating President Noynoy Aquino, 52. Again, dating. Not carbon dating.

Grace Lee was quoted to have said that President Aquino was “brilliant, if not the most intelligent man I’ve met in my life.” Apparently, she had met only a few.

From 45 to 24
Despite television footage showing otherwise, lead prosecutor Niel Tupas denied that the prosecution presented to the media documents that would prove Chief Justice Corona owned 45 properties. Tupas said they could only present evidence for 21 to 24. And this just in: Tupas has denied saying that “like Judas Iscariot,” Mr Corona “betrayed God for a few pieces of gold.” He clarified that it’s for a few pieces of rubies only.

From 45 properties, Niel Tupas is now saying Corona owns only 21 to 24 pala. Talk about misdeclaration.

Observers who have been monitoring the Corona impeachment trial say his conviction is sort of a ‘mission impossible’ for the prosecution. And Niel Tupas is the tape that self-destructs every 5 seconds.

First Time
For the first time since the impeachment trial started, Sen. Lito Lapid asked a prosecutor one clarificatory question last Wednesday. That’s a rare spectacle: Lito Lapid and a prosecutor. On the one hand, you have a stupid guy who takes the floor and gets ridiculed, and on the other hand, you have Lito Lapid.

Manila Bulletin
Last February 2, the Manila Bulletin celebrated its founding anniversary. The daily is now 112 years old – making it the next possible candidate for presiding officer in the impeachment trial.

Dissolved
The marriage of James Yap and Kris Aquino has finally been annulled. Congratulations… James Yap!

Kris Aquino has officially announced that she’s single again. Of course, this is the best time to announce it. She can’t just let Grace Lee have all the attention.

Kris Aquino’s lawyers say the ex-couple’s marital problems were rooted in “personality disorders.” James doesn’t have personality; Kris has disorders.

Facebook Timeline
In less than a week, Facebook Timeline will be mandatory for all users. Timeline will show off posts that people might have wanted to forget. Last night, Niel Tupas and Miro Quimbo decided to delete their Facebook posts claiming Corona owned 45 properties.

Facebook Timeline will now be mandatory. Justice Serafin Cuevas is excited to display his posts from as far back as the 18th Century.
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“Lust fades, so you’d better be with someone who can stand you.”
~ The Story of Us

Quote of the Day
“Apparently, the trial outside the courtroom is proceeding faster than the trial inside the court.”
~Senator-Judge Gregorio Honasan

More PickUp Lines
Si Senator Enrile ka ba? | BAKIT? | Kasi… you’re the JUAN! Boom!”

Si Vice President Jejomar Binay ka ba? | BAKIT? | Kasi, gusto kong maging liwanag sa iyong dilim! | Boom!

Si BIR Commissioner Kim Henares ka ba? | BAKIT | Kasi, handa kong IBUWIS ang buhay ko para sa ‘yo! | Boom!

Happy February! Spread the love!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.








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