31 01 2012

A WEEK AFTER HE was photographed buying pirated DVDs, presidential adviser on political affairs Ronald Llamas has reportedly sent an explanation letter to President Aquino. Here is the copy of that letter. Exclusive!

His Excellency Benigno Simeon C. Aquino III
Malacañan Palace
1610 JP Laurel St.
San Miguel, Manila

Pare Ko,

I guess you have been informed About Last Night. You know, Rumor Has It I purchased 2,000 pesos worth of pirated videos. Liar! Liar! Those reports were exaggerated. I only bought no more than 300. Ganito ang nangyari.

Monday, Se7en o’clock. It was Rush Hour. Grabe talaga ang Traffic. I was on The Road. Ayaw ko namang masayang ang oras sa kalye so I asked a Taxi Driver where I could kill time. Itinuro niya ang Circle C Mall sa Congressional Avenue in Quezon City. It was Closer than SM North Edsa kasi.

Pagdating sa Dulo, sinalubong ako ng mga vendors. Puro Segunda Mano pala ang tinda do’n. I really Wanted to buy some for the Little Children but something else caught my attention – DVDs! Sabi ko, Himala, hindi yata niri-raid ng Optical Media Board ang mall na ‘to.

Hindi mo naitatanong, movie buff ako. It was this Crazy, Stupid, Love for films that put me in Big Trouble! An editor/reporter from Bandera-Inquirer Saw me pala. Worse, nakunan niya ako habang bumibili! That was Proof! Can you Imagine That!? The next day, my photo was splashed all over The Paper. After the AK-47 controversy, ito naman!?? Ang Jologs ko! God… Why Me?

But then again, I realized, A Series of Unfortunate Events will not break me. Suportado ako ng Akbayan! Besides, Malacañang cannot say no to The Help that I offer.

Kay Dona Policar, ang editor ng Bandera, hmmpf, Look Who’s Talking?! Siguro, namimirata ka rin kaya andun ka sa mall na ’yon. Huwag na huwag lang magku-krus ang landas natin. I swear There Will Be Blood!

Kay Ronnie Rickets, Step Up your operation against piracy! Pati ako natutuksong bumili.

Sa aking mga kritiko, mauunawaan din n’yo ako Pagdating ng Panahon.

And to you my dear President, you’ve Got 2 Believe, I didn’t mean to Shame you. In fact, Kamakalawa, I returned to the mall upang ibalik ang DVD. When the vendors Saw me though, they Ran. The stalls were Gone In Sixty Seconds.

Ipagpatawad Mo mahal na Pangulo. Pangako, From Here to Eternity, ‘di na ako magiging Superbad.

Miss Na Miss Kita. Alam kong miss mo na rin ako. After all, we’re Friends With Benefits. Joooooke!

Hanggang Dito na Lamang at Maraming Salamat,

Isikreto mo na lang ‘tong sulat na ‘to. Kung pwede lang, Burn After Reading.

BREAKING NEWS: President Aquino has replied to the letter of Secretary Llamas:


Relaks Ka Lang… Sagot Kita.

Walang Iwanan… Peks Man!
Isa lang ang pakiusap ko sa ‘yo, please don’t Drag Me To Hell.

I Love You Man,

“When you realize you’ve made a mistake, make amends immediately. It’s easier to eat crow while it’s still warm.”
~Dan Heist

Day 9: The Impeachment Trial
Senator-judge Serge Osmeña says the prosecution panel has been really lazy. Tell us something we don’t know.

Vote Now
Please vote for the Prosecution Panel as 1 of the 7 New Wonders of the World. When you watch them kasi you’ll wonder: what the hell is happening? To vote, just key in  PP and send to 23718456 for all networks. Be careful when typing the number. That’s the order of the presentation of evidence.

Quote of the Day
“It seems I’ll be making some people very happy by being absent at the impeachment today. But I hope to get better and attend the trial soon.”
~Senator-judge Miriam Defensor-Santiago

To those who do not follow me on Twitter: Last Monday, I tweeted some interesting facts about private prosecutor Joseph Joemer Perez. He was an alumnus of the award-winning ‘90s quiz show Battle of the Brains. Representing UP Diliman, he emerged as champion in 1998. Three years earlier, Joemer and classmate Paulo David Javier, representing San Jose Academy of Navotas won in the high school division.

Joemer was the Valedictorian of UP Law Class 2004. He placed 8th in the bar exams.

Who’s That Girl?
She’s always there. Who’s she?
Tell me your name
you’re lovely
Please tell me your name

Enjoy the rest of the week. Stay safe!

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30 01 2012

THE PROSECUTION PANEL intends to present at least 100 witnesses in the ongoing impeachment trial. Either the prosecutors want Renato Corona out or Serafin Cuevas dead.

Lead prosecutor Niel Tupas Jr says they will present at least 100 witnesses to prove their case against Chief Justice Renato Corona. Senator Enrile looks forward to celebrating his centennial year in the Senate.

Btw, Senator Enrile is now using Facebook Timeline. You may now view his personal photos taken during the Renaissance.

The prosecution team intends to call at least eight journalists including veterans Raissa Robles and Maritess Vitug to the witness stand. That’s not surprising though. Fact is, these journalists would have drafted a much stronger case against the Chief Justice than the House of Representatives.

The defense team says witnesses are expected to have personal knowledge of what he or she will testify on. Unlike those 188 lawmakers who had no personal knowledge of what they signed up for.

The prosecution team has 100 witnesses for the Corona impeachment trial. Is this Plan B already?

Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago will definitely attend Monday’s impeachment trial. Doctors have given her a clean bill of health. She just had a checkup the other day. She was diagnosed with idiophobia.

Prosecutors are so prepared for Day 8 of the impeachment trial. They’re ready for the defense panel’s objections; for Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago’s clarificatory questions, and for Rudy Fariñas’ tantrums.

Fish Stock
During the inter-government review on the global protection program of the marine environment, Vice President Jejomar Binay reported a 32 percent decline in global fish stock. That’s really bad news for the prosecution team’s ongoing fishing expedition.

RIP: Ignacio Arroyo
Congressman Ignacio Arroyo is dead. There’s no truth to rumors that it was Atty. Mike Arroyo who died and that Iggy was just covering up for him again.

Where is Llamas?
Malacañang says controversial political adviser Ronald Llamas is under investigation. At press time, Llamas is still mum on the issue. He is expected to release a statement as soon as he’s done with his weekend movie marathon.

Senator Lito Lapid’s wife Marissa was arrested in the United States for allegedly smuggling 50 thousand dollars. At first, Mrs. Lapid denied that the money was hers. However, she was forced to admit when airport authorities found ores, gravel, sand, and lahar on the stash.

Reports say President Aquino recently went to dinner with radio/TV host Grace Lee.  Some people are calling it a ‘date.’ Sumama lang sa dinner,  may ‘romance angle’ na agad?  ‘Di ba pwedeng napilitan lang?
“You never know how much a man can’t remember until he is called as a witness.”
~Will Rogers

Quote of the Day
“Putting media practitioners as well as sitting Supreme Court Justices as possible witnesses is just simply horribly wrong. Not only does it leave the trial open to a challenge that it was, after all, the institution of the SC itself that is now being tried, it also opens a door that should, at the moment, remain closed.”
~Lawyer Theodore Te

Have a great week ahead!

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28 01 2012

Anti-Defense Panel Bumper Stickers

Anti-Prosecution Panel Bumper Stickers

PickUp Lines, anyone?
Si Justice Serafin Cuevas ka ba?
Kasi, para sa akin, age doesn’t matter. Boom!

Impeachment trial ka ba?
Kasi, lagi akong nakatutok sa ‘yo! Boom!

Si Senator Lito Lapid ka ba?
Kasi, ‘pag kasama kita, SPEECHLESS ako. Boom!

SALN ka ba ng pulitiko?
Kasi, sinungaling ka! Boom!

Have a great weekend! Stay safe.

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25 01 2012

PRESIDENTIAL ADVISER on political affairs Ronald Llamas was photographed by a Philippine Daily Inquirer (Bandera) reporter buying pirated DVDs at Circle C mall on Congressional Avenue, Quezon City Monday night. The vendor revealed that Llamas purchased almost P2000 worth of pirated DVDs… which was why Steven Seagal and Arnold Schwargenegger movies were nearly sold out.

To be fair, the guy (I think) is honest. When his security aides were caught with an AK-47 assault rifle in October 2011 following a road accident, presidential adviser on political affairs Ronald Llamas admitted he had at least five firearms. Anytime now, Llamas will admit to owning at least five sacks of pirated DVDs.

This just in: The Optical Media Board headed by actor Ronnie Rickets will conduct a raid at Circle C mall on Congressional Avenue in Quezon City. They will follow that up with a raid at Secretary Llamas’ residence.

Informed of the Ronald Llamas incident, President Aquino said, “Pasensiya na kayo kung hindi yan ang number one sa priority ko.. In totally unrelated information, records reveal that in high school, Llamas was voted ‘Most likely to get away with everything.’

The Oscars
The nominations for the 84th Academy Awards have been announced. Nine films will vie for Best Picture Oscar. The list includes ‘The Descendants,’ ‘The Artist,’ ‘Hugo,’ ‘War Horse,’ ‘Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close,’ ‘Moneyball,’ ‘Midnight in Paris,’ ‘The Tree of Life,’ and ‘The Help.’ Unfortunately, I haven’t seen ANY of these films. My initial plan was to buy a copy… but then again, why spend if I could just borrow from Secretary Ronald Llamas?

Supporting Actor nominees include Kenneth Branagh for ‘My Week With Marilyn;’ Nick Nolte for ‘Warrior;’ Jonah Hill for ‘Moneyball;’ Christopher Plummer for ‘Beginners;’ and Max Von Sydow for ‘Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.’ Perhaps the biggest snub was the omission of Frank Drilon for his supporting role in the prosecution panel.

Day 5: Impeachment Trial
On Tuesday, January 24, the prosecution panel failed to present a memorandum explaining its inclusion of the ill-gotten wealth issue in Article 2 of the eight Articles of Impeachment. Presiding Officer Juan Ponce Enrile was compelled to adjourn the trial and no prosecution witness was presented. Evidently, the defense panel scored on that one. Or as Philippine media would say it, “Day 5 goes to the prosecution.”

After less than two hours, Day 5 of the impeachment trial was adjourned. Shortly after, the prosecution team’s spokespersons were presenting their evidence to the media.

Lead prosecutor Niel Tupas Jr. asked Presiding Officer Juan Ponce Enrile to be “more liberal” in handling the trial. Enrile retorted, “How liberal?” Tupas was sooo tempted to say, “Hmm, with a capital L?”

Before he adjourned the trial, Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile said, “Kung sakaling hindi n’yo matanggap ang aking pamamalakad sa paglilitis nitong kasong ito, ako po ay open. Ibibigay ko itong upuan sa sinumang gustong pumalit sa akin.” To which Sen. Franklin Drilon said, “Ehem.”

Senator-judge Miriam Defensor-Santiago, who attended the impeachment trial for the first time, scolded the “unprepared” prosecution panel… with the exception of its spokespersons who were always prepared for press cons.

Describing her first day as a member of the impeachment court, Senator Santiago said, “I’m suffering from terminal boredom.” To which Senator Lito Lapid said, “Ako rin.”

Despite the ongoing impeachment trial of Chief Justice Corona, Senator-judge Lito Lapid signed a deal with ABS-CBN. Just to clarify, it’s a deal for a soap opera; not a deal to convict Corona.

President Barack Obama delivered his State of the Union Address (SOTU) Wednesday morning (Manila time). There was this awkward moment when the President vowed to implement reforms by filing cases against former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.

Fashion enthusiasts were all eyes on US First Lady Michelle Obama. She looked fab in a royal blue dress. In a press con after Obama’s SOTU, the First Lady denied rumors she bought the dress from SM.

President Kris
Kris Aquino will become the 17th president of the Republic of the Philippines according to Half-British and half-Indian psychic Robert Das. That prediction was half-bull, half-sh*t.
“The will to win is worthless if you do not have the will to prepare.”
~Thane Yost

Quotes of the Day
“Our request is for the Honorable Tribunal to be more liberal in the asking of questions by the prosecution.”
~Lead prosecutor Niel Tupas to Presiding Officer Juan Ponce Enrile

“Kung natatandaan n’yo, tinutulungan ko pa nga ang prosecution na mapalabas nila ang gusto nilang palabasin. Baka nga magduda ang depensa na kasama ako sa prosecution. Kung ayaw n’yo, ako ay magru-ruling lang at you can reverse me.”
~ Presiding Officer Juan Ponce Enrile

‘Wag na tayong magpa-epal dito dahil nawawalan ng gana ang mga nanonood.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago

Enjoy the rest of the week!

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23 01 2012

Quote of the Week:
“I would like to take this opportunity to correct the misimpression being peddled by a certain Professional Heckler. Ang suot ko noong opening ng Impeachment trial ay hindi galing sa alinmang branch ng SM. ‘Yan ay isang kasinungalingan. At kung kailangan kong ipa-subpoena sa witness stand si Manay Gina de Venecia at ang iba pang miyembro ng Association of Lady Legislators upang
patunayan ito ay gagawin ko.
~Akbayan Party-list Rep. Arlene Bag-ao of Akbayan,
Member, Impeachment Prosecution Panel

PLEASE ALL RISE. Senate President Kris Aquino Presiding.

Day 2, Moment No. 1:
Presiding Officer Kris Aquino: The impeachment trial of Chief Justice Renato C. Corona is hereby called to order. But before we proceed to the presentation of evidence, I’d like to take this opportunity na magpasalamat sa family court ng Makati City. Kay Judge, love love love na talaga kita. Ayaw ko po munang magbigay na detalye kasi magagalit na naman sina Ate Ballsy at Ate Pinky. Pero thank you so much talaga Judge. Ipagpi-pray kita sa Manaoag next week. Promise. ‘Yon lang. Aha-ha-ha! Okay, let’s proceed. Tito Sen?

Majority Leader Tito Sotto: We are in receipt of a request filed by the prosecution for the issuance of subpoena duces tecum and subpoena ad testifacandum to Chief Justice Renato Corona, his wife, children, son-in-law, yaya, gardener, driver, cook, laundrywoman, electrician, plumber, cable guy, internet service provider, favorite vendor, and neighbors in relation to the instant impeachment proceedings.

PO Kris Aquino: Gosh, ang dami lang. Ok, denied! Aha-ha-ha!

Cong. Niel Tupas: The prosecution submits to the ruling of the Senate President.

PO Kris Aquino: Talaga? I love youuuuuu!

Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano: Madam Presiding Officer…

PO Kris Aquino: The gentleman from Taguig…

Senator Cayetano: I agree with the ruling in so far as the Chief Justice is concerned. But with the wife, children, son-in-law, yaya, gardener, driver, cook, laundrywoman, electrician, plumber, cable guy, internet service provider, favorite vendor, and neighbors I’d like to express my reservations.

PO Kris Aquino: So you’re opposing my ruling, gano’n?
Senator Cayetano: Can we put this into a vote?

PO Kris Aquino: My God, I hate you. Pinapahiya mo ‘ko. Live pa naman tayo! Feeling ko tuloy nasa Day 2 pa lang tayo, grandstanding ka na. Okay fine! Eh ‘di vote.

Majority Leader Tito Sotto: Those who are in favor of the ruling of Madam Chair raise your hands… 1, 2, 3… 14! Those who are not in favor, please raise your hands! 1,2,3, 4, 5, 6. Fourteen-six for the ruling of the presiding officer.

PO Kris Aquino: 14-6? Yeyyyyy! Sorry Alan, I won. Aha-ha-ha Pero wait lang. Kayong labing-apat, lalo ka na Tito Frank, humanda kayo kay Noy! Unless bumawi ka sa Day 3, which I am sure you will… knowing you. Aha-ha-ha. In fairness, kasama sa six ang Nacionalista boys. Ano kayang nakain? Aha-ha-ha. One minute suspension. Tawagan ko lang si Deo for my taping sked.

Trial Suspended.

Day 2, Moment No. 2:
Presiding Officer Kris Aquino: May we start with the presentation of evidence? It’s getting late na. Oily na ‘ko. Please.
Cong. Elpidio Barzaga: Madam Chair…

PO Kris Aquino: Guard, ‘yong driver naligaw sa floor. Paki-guide palabas please.
Cong. Elpidio Barzaga: Madam Chair… I am part of the prosecution.
PO Kris Aquino: Oh gosh. Sorrrrrry! I’m so mean. Sorry po talaga. I honestly thought you were… never mind. Please proceed.

Congressman Barzaga: The prosecution, Your Honor, is reydi to present its evidence and as provided for in the complaint, we shall start presenting evidence in so far…
PO Kris Aquino: Wait lang Mr. Congressman! Matagal ka na bang walang buhok? Is that alopecia?
(Crowd laughs)

PO Kris Aquino: O, bakit kayo tumatawa? Hellooooo. Alangan namang itanong ko, ‘bakit makapal ang buhok’ mo. Kaloka kayo!
Congressman Barzaga: Since early 2000 Your Honor.

PO Kris Aquino: See? Honest siya! I’m starting to like you na. May personality ka, promise! Try mo kaya ‘yong shampoo na bigay ko kay Noy last year. Nabili ko sa States. I’ll give you the brand name later after ng session. Effective siya as in. Wait, sorry, I didn’t quite get your name…

Congressman Barzaga: Elpidio Barazaga Jr, Madam Chair, representing the City of Dasmariñas.
PO Kris Aquino: Owwws? Alam ba nilang nire-represent mo sila?

Congressman Barzaga: Madam Chair?
PO Kris Aquino: Joke lang. Aha-ha-ha. Gusto mong lumabas sa sequel ng ‘Segunda Mano?’

Congressman Barzaga: I beg your pardon…
PO Kris Aquino: Wala! Aha-ha-ha. Let’s proceed. As you were saying…

Congressman Barzaga: Your Honor, we shall start presenting evidence in so far as Article 2 is concerned.

PO Kris Aquino: Article 2? Why? Bakit nabago ang sequence?

Congressman Barzaga: Your Honor, it is a basic truism, in so far as the practice of law is concerned that a party presenting evidence has the power to determine what would be the order of presentation of evidence.

PO Kris Aquino: Hay naku! Nakakatatlong “in so far as” ka na, pansin ko lang. Walang ibang phrase? Aha-ha-ha. ‘Tsaka tigilan mo ko ng truism truism na ‘yan. Umamin ka Congressman, hindi kayo ready ‘no? Careful ka sa answer mo, nakatutok si Noy ngayon. Alam mo na!

Congressman Barzaga: Your Honor, marami na kasing lumabas na reports tungkol sa SALN ng Chief Justice. He even said that he’s willing to donate some of his properties na mapapatunayang kanya.

PO Kris Aquino: You didn’t answer my question… promise. I’m getting disappointed with you na guys.

Congressman Barzaga: Madam Chair, can we just postpone the trial for tomorrow?

PO Kris Aquino: ‘Yun na! I swear, Noy is incensed right now. My God! You’re embarrassing my brother. I hate you! (Message alert tone)

PO Kris Aquino: O ‘yan! Trending ka na raw on Twitter Philippines! I’m sure, they’re mocking you na. Nakakahiyaaa!

Congressman Barzaga: Madam Chair, we just want to give the defense an opportunity to prepare for Article 2.

PO Kris Aquino: You’re making palusot naman ngayon! Ewan ko sa inyo! Lagi n’yo namang ka-meeting si Noy, tapos ganito? Hayyyyy! Mag-usap-usap kayo pwede? Try to regroup! You talaga! One minute suspension nga! When we return, we shall rule on a motion filed by another member of the prosecution.

Trial Suspended.

Day 2, Moment No. 3.
Presiding Officer Kris Aquino: I believe there’s a pending motion filed by the prosecution…

Majority Leader Tito Sotto: As a matter of fact Madam Chair, there is. We received a complaint from public prosecutor Arlene Bag-ao of Akbayan. Apparently Your Honor, somebody else, pretending to be the honorable Congresswoman made an appearance on Day 1 of the impeachment trial. Sa katunayan, nakausap n’yo pa siya sa floor.

PO Kris Aquino: Oh my God. May impostor na nakapasok sa impeachment court?

Cong. Niel Tupas: As far as the prosecution panel is concerned, yes Your Honor. As the Majority Floor Leader mentioned, the impostor probably changed his appearance and assumed the form of Congresswoman Bag-ao during the first day of this trial.

PO Kris Aquino: Nakakaloka! May evidence ba ang prosecution?

Cong. Niel Tupas: Exhibit A, Your Honor: ang kontrobersyal na terno! Kung inyong matatandaan, ang sabi ng impostor, nabili lang sa SM ang terno. Ito ay mariing pinabubulaanan ni Congresswoman Bag-ao. Hindi raw nagmula sa alinmang branch ng SM ang naturang kasuotan. Hindi sa Megamall! Hindi sa SM North! Hindi sa SM Centerpoint! At lalong hindi sa mala-palengkeng SM Mall of Asia!

PO Kris Aquino: Wait lang. So dini-deny ni Congresswoman Bag-ao na nabili niya sa SM ang terno? Sandali. Hindi ko ‘to kinakaya. Kailangan talagang ideny? Isyu ba ‘to? Relevant?

Cong. Niel Tupas: Yes, Your Honor. Kongresista nga naman siya. How dare this impostor claim na nabili lang ang terno sa pang-masang mall? The allegation was absurd, preposterous, baseless, and if I may personally add, defamatory.

PO Kris Aquino: Wait, where did she buy that ba? Landmark?

Congressman Barzaga: Objection! Relevance?!?

PO Kris Aquino: Aha-ha-ha! Mag-object talaga sa ‘kin? Presiding officer ako Mr. Congressman. I can ask clarificatory questions!

Justice Serafin Cuevas: Madam Chair, may I? Point of order.

PO Kris Aquino: Nyeeeeh! Buhay pa pala kayo Justice Cuevas! Next time nga, ‘wag namang biglaan ang pagpaparamdam n’yo! Nakakagulat lang. Promise. What’s your point of order?

Justice Cuevas: The prosecution is apparently delaying this trial. What’s the point of the manifestation?

PO Kris Aquino: True! In fairness, kahit ako naguguluhan. Mr. Prosecutor…

Cong. Niel Tupas: Ang gusto lang namin, higpitan ang seguridad sa impeachment court upang hindi na maulit ang nangyari sa Day 1. Mahirap nang mabiktima ulit ng impostor. Please lang. Nakakasira ng reputasyon.

PO Kris Aquino: The chair hereby orders the Senate Sergeant-At-Arms to impose a stricter screening of visitors. Likewise, from this day on, lahat ng papasok sa Senado ay tatanungin: “Who are you wearing?” Isulat ito sa logbook para may reference ang media. Bongga ‘di ba? At least, maiiwasan natin ang paglabas ng maling info.

Cong. Niel Tupas: Thank you Your Honor.

PO Kris Aquino: No, this impeachment court should thank the prosecution panel. Your terno-driven manifestation was brilliant, promise. I’m sure matutuwa si Noy. So, thank you. And with that, trial adjourned!

Congressman Barzaga: Your Honor…
PO Kris Aquino: Yes, Congressman Barzaga…
Congressman Barzaga: Are you single?
PO Kris Aquino: Objection! Relevance? Aha-ha-ha!
“A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It’s jolted by every pebble on the road.”
~Henry Ward Beecher

Quote of the Day
“It took me 44 years to find you. I have found you Shalani. I have found happiness. I will love you forever.”
~Pasig City Rep. Roman Romulo to Valenzuela City Councilor Shalani Soledad

Stay safe people.

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21 01 2012

WHEN PRESIDING OFFICER Juan Ponce Enrile adjourned the impeachment trial last Thursday, there was a collective sigh of relief (on Twitter) among journalists and even radio/TV hosts covering the historic event. Finally, rest.

Monitoring the trial on TV as well as the press conferences and radio/TV interviews of both the prosecution and defense teams is actually draining. Maybe it would be less exhausting if the presiding officer was Kris Aquino. Hmmm, let’s see.

Day 1, Moment No. 1:
Presiding Officer Kris Aquino (PO Kris):

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Senate and our beloved countrymen,

Today, we begin to perform a solemn task that the sovereign people, through the Constitution they ordained, have reposed upon us, the Senators of the Republic. We convene as a body of jurors to try and render judgment on the… Gosh this is too serious. Can we just shorten this opening statement? Masyadong mahaba eh, sayang ang oras! May shoot pa ko later tonight. Basta pangako ko, I’ll be fair kahit brother ko ang presidente. Kung ayaw n’yong maniwala, care bears! Aha-ha-ha. ‘Yon na ‘yon! Care Bears! Introduce na lang yourselves. Sige na. Wait, para maka-relate ang viewers, ‘yong prosecution, Team Edward sila. ‘Yong defense, Team Jacob naman, ok? Let’s have Team Edward first. Go!

Cong. Niel Tupas Jr.: Madam Senate President, Ladies and Gentlemen of the Senate, good afternoon. Respectfully appearing for the House of Representatives’ prosecution panel, my name iz uh, Niel Tupas Jr. of Iloilo.

PO Kris: Teka lang. Niel Tupas Jr? So dad mo si Niel Tupas Sr? ‘Yong may graft case sa Ombudsman?

Cong. Niel Tupas Jr.: Yes, Madam Senate President. But the case is pending and my father has never been convicted.

PO Kris: Oo nga. I said case. Wala naman akong sinabing convicted ‘di ba? Kaloka. Defensive much? Aha-ha-ha. Next!

Cong. Raul Daza: For the prosecution, Raul Daza, deputy speaker, first district Northern Samar.

PO Kris: Oh my God, Congressman Raul Daza?! The defense lawyer of Erap during his impeachment trial? Hindi ko kayo kinakaya! Until now congressman ka pa rin? Overrrr! Next!

Congw. Marlyn Primicias Agabas: Conditionally, Marlyn Primicias-Aggabas, sixth district, Province of Pangasinan.
Congw. Arlene Bag-ao: Good afternoon Your Honor, respectfully appearing for the prosecution, my name is Arlene Bag-ao from the party-list Akbayan.

PO Kris: Sandali, what’s your name again?
Congw. Bag-ao: Ako po, Your Honor?
PO Kris: No, ‘yong unang girl.
Congw. Agabas: Marlyn Aggabas, Madam Senate President.
PO Kris: I like your terno. Promise. Bagay sa skin tone mo. Rajo Laurel ba ‘yan?
Congw. Agabas: Patis Tesoro, Your Honor.
PO Kris: Sosyaaal! Can afford. O, ikaw naman Congresswoman Bag-ao, sinong tumahi n’yan?
Congw. Bag-ao: SM lang po ‘to Madam Senate President.
PO Kris: Bongga! I like you! Walang pretensions. SM kung SM! Why not ‘di ba? Feeling ko Megamall ‘yan? Kultura?
Congw. Bag-ao: Tama po, Your Honor.
PO Kris: Winnnnner! Anyway, kahit identified ako sa mga taong nagsusulong ng ouster ng Chief Justice, uulitin ko lang, i will try to be fair. Pero, i admit, kapag nakikita ko ang mukha ng mga congressmen, naaalala ko ang dati kong show, ‘yong ‘The Price is Right.’ I don’t know why. Basta. Sandali, session suspended for 5 minutes muna! Retouch lang ako. Bambbi, ‘yong blush-on ko please.

Session Suspended.

Day 1, Moment No. 2:
Presiding Officer Kris Aquino (PO Kris): I am baaaaack. Sorry everyone. Continue na natin. Team Jacob naman. Go!

Retired Justice Serafin Cuevas: Kagalang-galang na Pangulo ng Senado,mahal naming miyembro ng Senado, magandang hapon po sa inyong lahat. This is retired Justice Serafin Cuevas, appearing for the respondent, Renato Corona, your honor. And for that purpose, may we be allowed to state for the record that the Honorable Justice Corona is here pursuant to the invitation of this honorable body.

PO Kris: Ang dami mo nang sinabi. Sandali lang Justice. How old ka na?

Justice Cuevas: For the record your honor, I am turning 84 years old in July.

PO Kris: Gosh, you’re that old na pala. In fairness, hindi halata Justice. Parang 80 ka lang. Aha-ha-ha Seriously, I’m impressed. I hope you don’t mind, sino po ang mas matanda: kayo o ‘yong Revised Penal Code of the Philippines?
Justice Cuevas: Your Honor, I object to this entire line of questioning. It’s leading… leading to the grave. That is totally irrelevant to the case.

PO Kris: Ay ganun? Fine! As you were saying, the respondent is here? Where is he seated?
Justice Cuevas: They’re at the second row of the gallery your honor. Tumayo po kayo Mr Chief Justice.
PO Kris: Oh, he. Is that Mrs. Corona beside him? In fairness huh, pretty s’ya. May taste ka Mr. Chief Justice. At sino ‘yong katabi ni Mrs. Corona? Si Atty. Midas Marquez ba ‘yon?
Justice Cuevas: Yes, your honor.
PO Kris: Mas pretty s’ya. Aha-ha-ha.

(Phone rings)
PO Kris: Oh, wait I have a call. One minute suspension.

Session Suspended.

Day 1, Moment No. 3:
Presiding Officer Kris: Sorry, ladies and gentlemen. That’s my son, Bimby. He’s watching the trial right now on TV. So if you would please, can you say “Hi Bimby!” Sige naaaa… matutuwa ‘yon. At the count of three, ok? 1, 2, 3…

Senators: “Hi Bimby!”
PO Kris: Yey! I love youuuu! Ok, proceed na sa opening statements. Team Edward mauna na kayo…

Cong. Niel Tupas: Today we lay down before this honorable impeachment tribunal the product of the collective voice of the people…

PO Kris: Teka lang. Maraming nanonood na ‘di nakapag-aral. Pakilinaw please ang ‘collective.’ Baka isipin nila, may na-collect kayo kaya inimpeach n’yo s’ya. Bad sa image ”yon. Please continue…

Cong. Niel Tupas: Ang ibig sabihin namin your honor, ang kasong ilalatag namin ay mula sa iisang tinig ng taong-bayan. And if I may proceed, before God and country we say this: you, Mr Corona, are an enemy to good government. Like Judas Iscariot, you betrayed your God for a few pieces of gold. In the name of God, go!

PO Kris: Excuse me Mr. Congressman! Unang-una, it’s not gold. Helloooo! It’s silver. Day 1 pa lang mali na ang research mo. Kainis kayo! Pinapahiya n’yo si Noy! And pleeeeeeease, avoid using the name of God. Kasi, hindi rin fair kung ‘di mo kukunin ang side ni God. Actually, God talked to me late last night. Dini-deny n’yang nag-usap kayo. Pa’no ba ‘yan? Careful ka. Perjury ‘yang ginagawa mo. To the impeachment court, ignore that portion about God okay. Mabuti nang safe. Team Jacob, your turn.

Justice Cuevas: Your Honor, Chief Justice Renato Corona is entitled to an acquittal of the charges against him. In addition to this representation your honor, may we also put on record, that he is entering a plea of not guilty to all the charges embodied in the complaint.

PO Kris: Day 1 pa lang ng trial, not guilty na agad? ‘Di ba pwedeng pakilala muna ang defense panel? Yes, what is the concern of the gentleman from Iloilo, Tito Frank, I mean, Senator Frank Drilon…

Senator Drilon: Just a point of order Kris, I mean, Madam Senate President. Anong ‘not guilty’ ang pinagsasasabi ng defense? That manifestation is premature! Defense panel is only supposed to enter their appearance.

PO Kris: ‘Yon nga ang sabi ko. Ayyyyy, not listening. Kainis. Masyado kang obvious Tito Frank. Premature assistance to the prosecution aha-ha-ha. Sorry. If you’re watching Noy, sorry.

(Phone rings)
PO Kris: ‘Sensya na, sagutin ko lang. 10 seconds…

PO Kris: Oh? Really? Shocks, matutuwa sila. Ok,ok.. sige. Thanks Boy. Bye.

PO Kris: Ladies and gentlemen of the impeachment court, I have good news. We are trending worldwiiiiiide! Yey! In fairness! Tinalo pa raw natin ang Golden Globe Awards. Winnnnner! Dahil d’yan, I’ll let you rest muna. Tomorrow na lang ulit, 2PM okay? Trial adjourned.
“Lawyers are the only persons in whom ignorance of the law is not punished.”
~Jeremy Bentham

Sa Ibang Balita
Good News: Thai Prime Minister Yingluck Shinawatra “bagay” daw sa ating Pangulo
Bad News: Ayon kay Kris Aquino

Good News: Ayon sa SWS, bilang ng mga Pilipinong “mahirap” ang tingin sa sarili, bumaba.
Bad News: Bilang ng mga Pilipinong ‘in denial,’ tumaas.

Good News: SWS: Bilang ng “mahihirap” na Pinoy bumaba
Bad News: SWS survey sa Kongreso isinagawa

Briefly Noted: Wow Mali
Justice Secretary De Lima’s letter to the Ombudsman regarding the Magtanggol Gatdula et al alleged kidnapping and extortion case. (Photo:

Attention: President Aquino and Atty. Edwin Lacierda
10 of the Most Irritating Phrases in the English Language

Have a happy long weekend! Stay safe.

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19 01 2012

ROUND 3 of Corona Trial goes to the prosecution.
According to the Philippine Daily Inquirer.

To be fair, the prosecution panel scored big on Day 3. The first prosecution witness, the High Tribunal’s clerk of court Enriqueta Esguerra-Vidal was compelled to turn over to the impeachment court the envelope that contained copies of Chief Justice Renato Corona’s statements of assets, liabilities and net worth or SALNs. This development should be credited to the efforts of the lead prosecutor. So congratulations… Frank Drilon.

Clerk of Court Enriqueta Esguerra-Vidal turned over to the impeachment court copies of Chief Justice Renato Corona’s statements of assets, liabilities and net worth defying an existing Supreme Court resolution prohibiting the release of the magistrates’ SALNs. After testifying for the prosecution, Vidal, who was allowed to leave, went straight home and updated her résumé.

Based on Chief Justice Renato Corona’s SALNs, his net worth jumped from P14.96 million in 2002 to P22.9 million in 2010. That’s an increase of P8 million. Or as a congressman would say, “three terms.”

According to Budget Sec. Florencio Abad, Chief Justice Renato Corona cannot afford a multimillion-peso condominium unit considering his salary as a government official. Unless, of course, he works at the Bureau of Customs.

Day 3 may have “gone” to the prosecution as the Inquirer bannered but the blunders of the private prosecutors cannot be ignored. Leading questions, hypothetical questions and questions that tend to ‘cross examine’ their own witness were objected to by the defense and sustained by the presiding officer. The 83-year-old Serafin Cuevas was just too much for the hotshot prosecution lawyers. It’s like watching Meryl Streep in an intense, dramatic exchange with Megan Fox.

Justice Sec. Leila De Lima denies allegations that she facilitated the release of documents from the Land Registration Authority (which is under the DOJ) to be used as evidence against Chief Justice Corona. She refused to comment on rumors though that she is the inspiration for the prosecution panel’s frequent press conferences.

In Other News
In protest of an anti-piracy legislation in the United States, free online encyclopedia Wikipedia blacked out its site for 24 hours. But that’s nothing compared to the prosecution panel which has been blacking out for two days now.

Reports say Wikipedia is down. To which, Niel Tupas and company said, “We can relate.”

Wikipedia has shut down. And retired Justice Serafin Cuevas was like, “Ano ‘yon?”

In support of Wikipedia’s battle against censorship, Sen. Lito Lapid has decided to keep his mouth shut during the entire Corona impeachment trial.

Associate Justice Mariano Del Castillo isn’t worried at all. Even before Wikipedia could black out its site, he was able to copy all the information he needed.

For 24 hours, Wikipedia is blacking out its site. Or as millions of students worldwide would call it, “end of the world.”
“Amateurs hope, professionals work.”
– Garson Kanin

Quote of the Day
“The impeachment proceedings are a learning experience for us. We have to relearn trial techniques like the presentation of evidence. We will get better as the impeachment trial progresses.”
~ Prosecution panel spokesperson Quezon Rep. Erin Tañada

Briefly Noted
The Daily Tribune’s Niñez Cacho-Olivarez revealed ABS-CBN’s “ties” to the prosecution panel. She wrote:
“Five members of the prosecution panel, acting as private prosecutors for the trial are all high officials of the Lopez-owned ABS-CBN network. The five private prosecutors are Maximilian Uy — chief legal counsel, assistant corporate secretary; Mario Bautista — general counsel, legal services; Manuel Torres — corporate secretary; Maximilian Joseph Uy — legal services and assistant corporate secretary; and Enrique Quiason — assistant corporate secretary.”

Enjoy the rest of the week! Stay safe.

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17 01 2012

>The Prosecution Panel.

On Tuesday, the Senate postponed the impeachment trial of Chief Justice Corona. The prosecution panel requested the postponement because they were not ready to present evidence. Apparently, they were better prepared when it comes to presenting evidence to the media.

Remember last week when public prosecutors insisted that they were the underdogs? Today, they proved it.

Cavite Representative Elpidio Barzaga Jr, a member of the prosecution team admitted they were not prepared to present evidence for Article No. 1. To which Corona said, “I love you too!”

Cong. Elpidio Barzaga Jr was a top trending topic on Twitter Philippines following his ‘debut’ in the impeachment trial. When told of his ‘online feat,’ Barzaga was doubtful, and demanded to see the computer-generated evidence.

The prosecution panel bungled Day 2 of the Corona impeachment trial. In other news, President Aquino ordered the Budget Department to not release the solons’ pork barrel – until further notice.

Right now, not even the goodlooking spokespersons of the prosecution team can erase the perception that the team is so NOT ready for this trial.

In fact, I seriously believe that Conrado De Quiros is better prepared than these public prosecutors.

If it’s any consolation, the prosecution panel proved one thing today – it’s more fun in the Philippines!

Quote of the Day
“The prosecution is not prepared to present evidence today, the court moto propio postpones the trial until tomorrow afternoon at 2:00.”
~Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile, Presiding Officer

Pic of the Week

Atty. Midas Marquez: OMG! Narinig n’yo ‘yon Ma’am? Hindi raw handa ang prosecution hihihi
Mrs. Cristina Corona: Nakakaloka! At ‘yong Barzaga, super funnnny! Kalbo na, nagpapatawa pa! ‘Di ko kinaya!
CJ Renato Corona: Tumigil nga kayong dalawa d’yan. May mga camera! Hindi ako puwedeng matawa. Kailangan ‘underdog’ ang image.

To say that January 16 was an action-packed day would be an understatement. Aside from the unknown fact that it was my birthday, it’s also the first day of Chief Justice Renato Corona’s impeachment trial. Then you have the annual Golden Globe Awards and the start of the Australian Open. The Golden Globes are 69 years old and the Aussie Open is on its 107th year. You add that up and you get the age of Corona’s legal counsel Serafin Cuevas.

You’ve got to stand in awe of Serafin Cuevas and Juan Ponce Enrile. Those guys are still sharp! Isn’t this their third lifetime already?

Give credit to the Senate President for being decisive. He was able to take full control of the proceedings. The only thing he can’t control is the smuggling of luxury cars in Cagayan.

Compared to Day 1 of the Estrada impeachment trial, observers say the opening day of Corona’s trial lacked drama and fireworks. In other news, Loren Legarda and Miriam Defensor-Santiago were absent yesterday.

I was able to monitor both the Golden Globes and the first day of the Impeachment Trial. Sorry to say this but Ricky Gervais’ opening was more impressive than Niel Tupas Jr’s.

Addressing Mr. Corona in his opening statement, Cong. Niel Tupas Jr said, “In the name of God, go!” To which God said, “Dude, ‘wag mo na akong idamay d’yan.”

The Estrada impeachment trial involved two envelopes. The Corona impeachment trial, according to a text blast, involves 188 envelopes.

Briefly Noted: Emma Stone was every inch a goddess at the Golden Globes. Prosecution panel member Marlyn Primicias-Aggabas was every inch a “ninang sa kasal” in the Senate.

Chief Justice Renato Corona delivered a fiery, combative speech before a throng of supporters outside the Supreme Court Monday morning. At one point, he was interrupted by an avid supporter who shouted, “I love you CJ!” And Atty. Midas Marquez was like, “Hindi ako ‘yon huh!”

In his speech, the Chief Justice accused three individuals, whom he refused to identify, of conspiring to unseat him. A vehement denial was immediately issued by ABS-CBN, ANC, and dzMM.

Observers believe Chief Justice Corona’s tirade was directed at President Aquino, DOTC Secretary Mar Roxas and Associate Justice Antonio Carpio. Or as Vice President Binay would say, “Balay Group.”

On ANC, Sec. Mar Roxas just laughed off the allegation that he is a co-conspirator to oust the Chief Justice. He can’t even oust Jojo Ochoa!

In Other News
The 69th Golden Globe Awards was held Monday morning (Manila time). George Clooney won Best Actor for the family drama “The Descendants.” A disappointed Laguna Governor ER Ejercito accused Kris Aquino of influencing the jurors to vote for Clooney.

“The Descendants” was named Best Motion Picture-Drama at the 69th Golden Globe Awards… to the utter shock of the producers of “Manila Kingpin: The Asyong Salonga Story” who expected that their project would win the award.

Meryl Streep won yet again. She’s been winning for like forever. The Binays can totally relate.

The Kardashians
There have been rumors that Khloe Kardashian is not really a Kardashian. If that’s true, then she’s probably a Gutierrez.
“If the laws could speak for themselves, they would complain of the lawyers in the first place.”
~Lord Halifax

Quote of the Day
“Tama, isa akong malaking hadlang. Malaki akong hadlang sa mga nagnanais na hindi maipamahagi ang lupain sa Hacienda Luisita. Malaki din akong hadlang sa nagmamadaling maging bise-presidente ngunit talo noong 2010. At huwag na tayong lumayo: malaki din akong hadlang sa matagal nang nag-aambisyong maging Chief Justice. Sila pong tatlo ang nagsasabwatan upang mapatalsik ako sa pwesto.”
~Chief Justice Renato Corona

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15 01 2012

THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL of Chief Justice Renato Corona begins Monday, January 16. It’s make or break for President Aquino.

The House prosecution panel defied a Senate gag order by showing the media pieces of evidence against the Chief Justice before the trial proper. The panel headed by Niel Tupas insists it’s simply a question of right and wrong. They’re right, Corona’s wrong.

The House prosecution panel has 11 solon members plus 59 private lawyers. And I heard they’ll occupy the biggest room in the Senate building. The room will be marked, “Sorry for the inconvenience. Your taxes working for you.”

Impeachment prosecutors claim Chief Justice Renato Corona owns at least 45 condominium units and houses. But that’s nothing compared to President Aquino who owns the entire House of Representatives.

A member of the House prosecution panel wants Chief Justice Renato Corona to explain how he was able to acquire that huge number of properties. To be fair, congressmen would have ‘understood’ Corona if he had pork barrel.

Retired Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz visited the Chief Justice to give his support and “blessing.” The outspoken prelate believes the impeachment trial is a “political gimmick” with “no merit at all.” To which God said, “Labas ako d’yan huh!”

In a tweet, senator-judge Pia Cayetano, known for being a health buff says she’s “training” both her body and mind for long hours in preparation for the impeachment trial. Not to be outdone, Sen. Lito Lapid is reportedly preparing for the trial too – by getting more sleep.

Arroyo vs. Aquino
Apparently, former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo was able to write an ‘economic’ paper castigating the Aquino administration for ‘squandering’ the gains of previous governments, including hers. The paper’s working title was “Burnt Legacy.”

In a paper titled, “It’s the economy, student,” CGMA lambasted President Aquino for espousing the kind of politics that creates division rather than unity. And the President was like, “Hellooooo! Suarez and Lagman!”

Mrs. Arroyo also took a swipe at President Aquino’s alleged laid back work style saying, “There is no room for coming to work late and leaving early.” The President retorted, “Excuse me! That was soooo last year!”

In the same paper, Mrs. Arroyo trumpeted that “nearly nine out of 10 Filipinos had access to health insurance.” Tell that to Accenture employees!

A New Pacquiao
In an exclusive interview aired on ANC, Manny Pacquiao revealed that he’s a changed man. He didn’t say though if that’s to complement his wife’s changed appearance.

According to Manny Pacquiao, he encountered God in a dream. He said he was in a forest when suddenly he heard a voice asking, “Why are you going away from me?” Either it was God or his son by ex-girlfriend Joanna Bacosa.

Ronald’s Back
More than a year after he was arrested in Hong Kong for illegal drug possession, former Ilocos Sur Representative Ronald Singson is a free man. When he arrived Saturday in Vigan, he was in high spirits.

Ronald Singson has completed serving time in prison. That’s the difference between him and Sen. Lito Lapid. Lapid cannot even finish a sentence.

The HSBC Expat Explorer Survey showed that the Philippines was the world’s second best place for expats to ‘socialize’ and ‘make friends.’ Curiously, in first place was “on Makati Avenue or Burgos Street.”

Drug Den
In the last 14 days, a total of three shabu laboratories were discovered and raided in the upscale Ayala Alabang subdivision in Muntinlupa City. Before the first raid though, there was this tense moment as Ayala Alabang officials demanded a prescription from the raiding team.
“Make Crime pay. Become a lawyer.”
~Will Rogers

Quotes of the Day
“Neither the President nor anyone else can truly expect to govern the next five years with nothing but a sorry mix of vilification, periodically recycled promises of action followed by lethargy, backed up by few if any results, and presumptuously encouraging gossip about one’s love life in which no one can possibly be interested. Given the electoral mandate that he enjoyed in 2010— the same size as mine in 2004, as predicted by every survey organization at that time—our people deserve more, and better, from him.”
~Former President Arroyo, “It’s the economy, student.”

“It’s a political manifesto masquerading as an economic paper presented in a press briefing disguised as a colloquium!”
~Palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda’s reaction to Mrs. Arroyo’s paper via his Twitter account @dawende

“Kaya kong ipagmalaki ‘yong asawa ko. Sa ginawa kong kalokohan bago ako nagbago, bilib ako sa asawa ko.”
~Cong. Manny Pacquiao

Have a safe and productive week ahead!

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12 01 2012

FENG SHUI MASTER Joseph Chau declares President Aquino will be lucky in love in the coming Year of the Water Dragon. In other news, another feng shui master predicts Mr. Chau will lose his credibility this year.

According to feng shui master Joseph Chau, President Aquino will be lucky in love this year and that, “The First Lady is coming out.” To which, Secretary Mar Roxas said, “Don’t look at me.”

A feng shui expert says, in the coming Year of the Water Dragon, President Aquino will be a lucky man ‘romantically’. I wonder at whose expense.

President Aquino was born in the Year of the Rat. Master Chau says Rats who are in politics shall have positive reputation throughout the year. Ok, tell us something that Pulse Asia and SWS haven’t been trumpeting since 2010.

To ward off negative energies in Malacañang, feng shui master Joseph Chau advised President Aquino to “make noise” by hitting a gong at the entrance of his office six times everyday. Either that, or invite ‘Kris Aquino.’

Chau also advised the President to place behind his desk a pair of “Happy Hippos.” Again, ‘hippos’ Mr. President. Not, Zippos.

On Shalani’s Wedding
Asked if he would attend the wedding of his ex-girlfriend Shalani Soledad, the President said, “In this particular case, I would have to provide the appointments committee the reasons for attending that particular event. It’s not my decision, there are so many factors I have to weigh. I don’t look at my schedule earlier than a day or two days before because it really makes one exhausted, just reading all the engagements you have to go to. I have so many roles and all those roles consume all the time that I have available.” He just said ‘No.’

Asked if he’s attending his ex’s wedding, President Aquino replied, “I have so many roles and all those roles consume all the time that I have available.” To which Shalani Soledad said, “Better.”

In preparation for the Corona impeachment trial, the House prosecution panel reportedly visited the Senate for an inspection. They were impressed with what they saw. And some of them can’t wait – can’t wait to become senators themselves.

PCIJ’s Report
According to a report of the Philippine Center for Investigative Journalism, even Lower House members have refused to disclose their statement of assets, liabilities, and net worth or SALN. I think I know why. Have you seen the SALN forms specifically designed for congressmen? The document has a bold heading that reads, “This is where your taxes go.”

This morning. I read a news item on GMA 7’s website. The headline says: “Lalaking pinaghihinalaang magnanakaw, binugbog ng mga taga-San Juan.” And I was like, what the hell did you do with your congressman?!?

On Wednesday, a lifeless woman stuffed in a suitcase was found at the parking lot of the NAIA Terminal 2. An hour later, a man’s body was found inside a drum also in Pasay City. In other news, Hollywood producers are so thankful of Philippine authorities for securing the ‘The Bourne Legacy’ shoot.

Terror Threat
The Black Nazarene procession may be over but President Aquino says terror threats remain. Don’t worry Mr. President! We’re safe. ‘Jeremy Renner’ is here!

Who’s King?
The Ring Magazine says Manny Pacquiao is the pound-for-pound king. ESPN believes it’s Floyd Mayweather Jr. To be fair, they’re both kings although Mayweather, according to inmates, will soon become their ‘queen.’

According to The Advocate, the gay and lesbian newsmagazine, Salt Lake City in Utah is the gayest city in America. To which. Malate, Manila said, “Bongga!”

Coco on Kris
On a psychic’s prediction that he’ll get Kris Aquino pregnant, actor Coco Martin said, “Malabong mangyari ‘yon.” Malinaw kasi ang isip niya.
“I’m a great believer in luck and I find the harder I work, the more I have of it.”
~Thomas Jefferson

Quotes of the Day
“Our emphasis is always to strengthen family. We believe that a lot of the solutions to the problems in the country will be best addressed by a family that is strong, united and strengthening and caring for the children that they bring into this world. We hope that this will be what the union of Roman and Shalani will be able to achieve.”
~President Aquino when asked to give his wish for ex-girlfriend Shalani Soledad and Cong. Roman Romulo

“I’m sorry for her because I know what it is to go through hell like that. If you are on the side of truth, do not be afraid.”
~Ilocos Norte Rep. Imelda Marcos’ to Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo

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10 01 2012

THE LONGEST BLACK NAZARENE procession ever in the history of the annual tradition finished at around 6AM Tuesday. The procession was even longer than the Black Nazarene’s journey from Mexico to the Philippines 405 years ago.

The Black Nazarene procession took 22 hours to finish. It would have been a lot faster if the organizing committee was headed by Judge Jesus Mupas.

Last Sunday, January 8, President Aquino bared a terrorist plot aimed at disrupting the annual Black Nazarene procession. Eight million devotees didn’t believe him.

For security reasons, telephone companies cut off cut their services in downtown Manila. There was no cell phone signal during the Black Nazarene procession. Or as Globe users would say, “just another ordinary day.”

On Monday, devotees marked the Black Nazarene’s 405th anniversary. Yup, it’s been here that long. In fact, when the ‘miraculous’ image arrived in the Philippines from Mexico, Senator Enrile was still a baby.

Top 5 Signs that Someone Present at the Black Nazarene Procession Is A Fake Devotee

No. 5: Throughout the procession, she keeps telling a friend, “Akala ko ba maraming cute dito? Gosh, I haven’t seen one.”

No. 4: Others walked barefoot, she’s on high heels.

No. 3: He joins the procession with one cell phone and leaves with at least seven.

No. 2: Distributes free white towels and then goes, “God bless po! Sa 2013, ‘wag kakalimutan si Konsehal.”

And the No.1 sign that someone present at the Black Nazarene procession is a fake devotee…

While others yell “Viva Senor,” the poser shouts, “’Tang-i*a, walang signal! Paano made-detonate ‘to!”

Kris on Impeachment
Guesting live on ‘Gandang Gabi Vice’ last Sunday, Kris Aquino was asked who she would date if she were a guy: Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo, Miriam Defensor-Santiago or Imelda Marcos? She picked Senator Santiago saying, “kailangan namin ang vote niya sa impeachment.” And we all thought that Cong. Miro Quimbo was the prosecution panel’s spokesperson.

Last Sunday on ‘Gandang Gabi Vice,’ Kris Aquino was asked who she would date if she were a guy: Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo, Miriam Defensor-Santiago or Imelda Marcos? Watching the show at home, Gloria and Imelda were like, “Please God, not me, please!”

PBA Semis
Have you been following the PBA semifinals? I heard it has been a thrilling series between Petron and Talk ‘N Txt. But that’s nothing compared to the thrilling matchup between Danilo Suarez and Edcel Lagman.

Blue Ivy Carter
Beyoncé and Jay-Z announced the birth of their first baby. They named her Blue Ivy Carter. But critics accuse the couple of being a copycat claiming that ‘Blue Ivy Carter’ was the name of a baby born in Switzerland in 1951.

Fans around the world are waiting for the release of Baby Blue Ivy’s first photos. But that could take a few more weeks as Beyoncé and Jay-Z have just started the bidding.

Charice Returns
Charice has jut arrived. She was pictured on a wheelchair at the NAIA. In all fairness, the wheelchair was not Photoshopped.
“Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.”
~Martin Luther King, Jr.

Quote of the Weak
“Si Senator Miriam, kasi kailangan namin ng vote niya for the impeachment.”
~ Presidential sister and TV host Kris Aquino’s answer when asked: ‘If you were a guy, who would you date: Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago, Cong. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo or Cong. Imelda Marcos?”

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7 01 2012

THE PHILIPPPINE GOVERNMENT launched a new campaign to promote the country’s tourism industry. DOT Secretary Ramon Jimenez unveiled Friday the slogan: “It’s more fun in the Philippines.” Filipinos have mixed reactions to the tagline.  Celebrities, lawmakers, government people, bloggers, netizens are talking about it. Even Neil Gaiman tweeted something about the slogan. But what I truly enjoyed reading was the conversation among relatives – ‘WOW Philippines,’ ‘Pilipinas Kay Ganda’, and “It’s more fun in the Philippines.” Today, I am publishing the exclusive transcript of their exchange. Have fun!

WOW Philippines (WOW): Oh, did you hear the news? May bago nang slogan.
Pilipinas Kay Ganda (GANDA): Oo nga eh. Pa-suspense pa ang unveiling!
It’s More Fun in the Philippines (FUN): Ahhhm, ehem. Are you talking about me?

WOW: Oh! Look who we’ve got here! The neophyte!
GANDA: Hi friend.
FUN: ‘Musta? Mabuti ka pa Ganda, medyo nice. ‘Sabagay, iisa naman ang pangulo natin. Eh ‘yong isa d’yan, parang bitter. Ewan ko lang huh pero parang ‘di maka-move on.

WOW: Hoy! Nananahimik kami nang bigla kang dumating. Sino sa atin ang rude? Teka, hindi ka ba napagkamalang centipede sa labas? Ang haba mo kasi! Hahaha
GANDA: True that! Hahaha
FUN: So pinagtutulungan n’yo na ako ngayon? Sabihin n’yo lang kung gusto n’yo ng away dahil hindi ako uurong. Mga nega!

WOW: Eh kasi naman, nine years na akong namamayagpag. Dapat ba talagang palitan?
GANDA: Kahit naman anong brand bro, nagpapalit ng campaign ‘di ba? Nagbabago ang trends, nagbabago ang market so kailangan ng bagong ideas.
WOW: Excuse me! Siguro sa ating tatlo, ikaw ang pinakawalang ‘K’ magsalita about new ideas! Baka nakakalimutan mo, inangkat ka lang sa Poland!
GANDA: Ang sakit mo namang magsalita. Inamin ko naman ah.
WOW: Dapat lang! Gumastos-gastos pa ang gobyerno ng limang milyon sa launch mo, wala namang napala!
GANDA: (hysterical) So anong gusto mong gawin ko? Lumuhod sa harap mo? Sambahin ka? Hindi pa ba sapat na nag-resign ang mga boss ko? Hindi ka pa ba masaya sa abut-abot na kahihiyang dinanas ko?

FUN: Wait lang guys, puwede bang mag-usap na walang insultuhan? Puwede ba?!
GANDA: Eh kasi ‘tong lolo mo. Kung makapanghamak, akala mo kung sinong pinakamagaling sa mundo!
WOW: Lolo?! Lolo talaga ang tingin mo sa akin! Gusto mong sampalin kita ng statistics! Take note: Year 2000, 1.8 million foreign tourists lang ang bumisita sa bansa. By 2010, bago ako palitan ng presidente n’yo, 3.5 milyon ang mga turista! Kahit sina Aling Tacing na mananahi at Mang Kanor na construction worker, familiar sa pangalan ko. Tandaan n’yo ‘yan!

GANDA: Bakit???? Nag-trend ka ba sa Twitter katulad ng friend ko rito?
FUN: O, ba’t nadamay ako? Ayoko na ngang ipagyabang na nag-trend ako worldwide eh. ‘Tsaka ‘Lets go to Sweden’ lang naman at ‘Jersey Shore’ ang nilampaso ko sa Twitter during may launch last Friday kaya ‘wag n’yo na akong idawit sa away n’yo, ok?.

WOW: Hindi halatang mahangin ka. In fairness.
FUN: Eh anong magagawa ko kung pag-usapan ako sa cyberspace? Partida pa huh! Bawal pa sa presscon ng DOT ang camera. Maraming restrictions. Pero ‘kita mo naman, top trending topic in the whole world. ‘Yan ang Wow Philippines!
WOW: Ay! Wala pang three days uma-attitude na? At ipagmalaki daw talaga ang Twitter?!?
FUN: Well, hindi kita masisisi. Noong kasikatan mo kasi, Friendster pa lang ang uso.
GANDA: Bwahahahahahaha
WOW: Kung makatawa naman ang Polskang ‘to! Tumahimik ka nga!
FUN: Polska!!! Hahaha Benta sa ‘kin ang linya mong ‘yan WOW!

GANDA: Hindi na kayo nakakatawa. Lalo ka na FUN. Akala ko pa naman kaibigan kita!
FUN: Oo nga! Eh funny naman talaga ang epic fail na Polska-inspired na logo mo ah.
GANDA: Bakit? Eh ‘yong ‘It’s more fun in Switzerland!’ Hindi ba nauna sa ‘yo ‘yon? ‘Yong ideya mo, anim na dekada na! Sa tingin mo ba original ka?
FUN: Ayoko nang patulan ang mga intriga! Namamayagpag ang pangalan ko these days, ‘yon ang mahalaga. To quote my boss Mon Jimenez, “The line isn’t a manufactured slogan. It’s simply the truth about our country. Don’t be swayed by people who are trying to punch holes in it.”
WOW: Whatever! Basta kami ni Boss Dick, naniniwalang mas superior pa rin sa inyo. Kahit saang survey n’yo pa daanin, kahit sa nakakawindang na TV Patrol Poll pa ‘yan, mananalo at mananalo pa rin ako! After all, like Anna Dizon, ‘WOW Philippines is WOW Philippines.’

FUN: O s’ya. Suportahan n’yo na lang ako, pwede? ‘Yong 3.7 million tourists natin last year, dagdagan pa natin.
GANDA: Wait, may idea ako.
WOW: ‘Wag na! Baka kinopya mo na naman ‘yan.
FUN: Hahaha C’mon WOW, give Ganda a chance.
WOW: Sige na nga, ano ‘yon?
GANDA: Eh kung isuggest kaya natin sa DOT na magsama-sama tayo? Something like, “WOW! Gandaaaa! Fun!”
WOW: Alam mo… you’re so brilliant. Gandaaaa! Lambot! Dulas! Parang nagpa-hot oil!
FUN: Haha Ikaw talaga WOW, you’re so mean. Suplado! Lumalabas ang pagka-Dick mo!

GANDA: Ayoko nang makipag-usap sa inyo! Mayayabang!
WOW: Eh ‘di wag! Polska! Polska! Polska!
FUN: Tama na WOW! Hindi ka na nakakatuwa. Magpipinsan pa rin tayo.
WOW: Fine.
FUN: Let’s just meet sometime next month. ‘Sensya na. Busy na ako starting next week. I am going to travel around the world. Excited na ako.
WOW: Uy, ingat ka huh. Baka mabugbog ka.
FUN: Saan?
WOW: Sa Switzerland.
FUN: Ulol!
GANDA: Gandaaaaa!
“I travel not to go anywhere, but to go. I travel for travel’s sake. The great affair is to move.”
~Robert Louis Stevenson

Quote of the Week
“We need a line that is easily understood. Competitive. More fun in the Philippines is true. Keri natin ito.”
~Tourism Sec. Ramon Jimenez

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.


5 01 2012

I CAN’T WAIT FOR January 16, the start of Chief Justice Renato Corona’s impeachment trial. I admit, I am really ‘atat.’ The only other person more atat is Congressman Niel Tupas.

The impeachment trial of Chief Justice Renato Corona begins January 16. But the House prosecution panel started presenting its evidence last January 3.

The House prosecution panel showed to the media a deed of sale and two condominium certificates of title to prove that Corona owns a condo unit at The Fort. Cong. Niel Tupas is expecting a guilty verdict from the media soon.

Congressmen are convinced that Corona’s ownership of a posh condo unit is ill-gotten. They should know. It’s ‘familiar territory.’

Getting Worse
According to the Department of Health, New Year’s Day-related injuries are up by 2.2 percent this year. The DOH is now considering suggestions to ban firecrackers and to bar Dr. Eric Tayag from dancing again.

When asked about firecracker-related injuries, the Health Department noted more cases this year, perhaps second only to Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.

The Department of Health reported that this year’s New Year’s Day celebration was “the deadliest.” To which Mayans said, “You ain’t seen nothing yet.”

The reward for the capture of retired Major General Jovito Palparan Jr. has been doubled… prompting his landlady to double the rent, or else.

Christmas Still
The Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines reminds the faithful that the Christmas Season is until January 8. Kids have three more days to hunt down their missing ninong and ninang.

‘Bourne’ in Manila
Online reports say the Hollywood flick ‘Bourne Legacy’ will shoot some scenes in the Philippines including a car chase along Edsa. Good luck to that.

MMDA Chairman Francis Tolentino says part of the ‘Bourne Legacy’ script is a car chase featuring Academy Award winner Rachel Weisz. Also being considered for that particular car chase scene is Richard Gutierrez.

Everybody’s talking about Jinkee Pacquiao’s photo on the cover of MEGA magazine. The half-human, half-science was half-recognizable.
“If you want an audience, start a fight.”
~Irish Proverb

Quote of the Day
“Wow! Maganda naman ang asawa ko at lalong gumaganda kasi wala na siyang inaalala.”
~Cong. Manny Pacquiao reacting to the latest magazine cover of his wife, Jinkee

Public Service Announcements
Taxikick: Report abusive taxi drivers in the Philippines.
– You may also directly file a complaint using this LTFRB form.
– January 23 is a special (non-working) day. Find out why here.

@HecklerForever Says (My recent tweets, in case you missed)
– To say that Kris Aquino is the horror queen is an insult to Lilia Cuntapay
– If you love somebody, set them free. If they return, set them on fire.
– Prevention is better than abortion.
– United we stand divided by 5 is undefined.
– The best things in life are online.
– Patience is a virtue. Or a mushy Guns N’ Roses song if you’re a child of the ’90s.
– You only live once. Or in the case of Rustom Padilla, twice.

Enjoy the rest of the week!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.


3 01 2012

IT’S THAT TIME of the year again. Self-proclaimed psychics are being invited by radio and TV programs to dish out vague generalizations about what the future may hold for famous people and the Philippines in general.

Madam WTF: Nakikita kong marami pang papasok na bagyo sa Pilipinas sa taong ito. (Wow, shocking!)

Bro. Whatever: Kung hindi mag-iingat ang isang kongresista, baka masangkot siya sa aksidente. (Hey, do the solon a favor. Identify him!)

Since most Filipinos tend to be suckers for predictions, I asked a neighbor, Madam Kalachuchi to share with us her forecast for 2012, the Year of the Water Dragon. Warning: Ang mga ito ay pawang hula lamang. Puwedeng basahin, huwag masyadong seryosohin. Here we go…

Madam Kalachuchi:
Gudap tirnun! Maswirting araw sa inyung lahat! Aku si Madam Kalachuchi – ang walang kenekelengan, walang penuprutiktahan, at walang kasenungalengang psychic – magpaparamdam sa inyo saan man sa mundo! Higit sa prediksyon… aksyon!

(Note: Autocorrect activated)

Sa tulong ng aking vibrator ay ibabahagi ko sa inyo ang aking vibrations para sa Year 2012 – ang taon ng mga biyenan, este, taon ng dragon.

Sa pangkalahatan, magiging payapa ang daigdig… maliban na lang kung maging adventurous si Kim Jong-Un at pindutin niya ang pulang button. Boom!

Ang Pilipinas ay mananatiling third world country pero laging first sa kung anik-anik na Guiness World Records.

Magpapatuloy ang pananalanta ng mga bagyo sa iba’t ibang panig ng bansa. Ngunit sa mga lalawigan, mababawasan ang tubig-baha; mapapalitan ito ng troso-baha.

Walang permanente sa mundo kundi pagbabago – at oil price hike. Tuloy ang kaswapangan ng mga kompanya ng langis.

Si Congresswoman Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo ay hindi papayagang umuwi ng bahay. Mananatili ang hospital arrest. Sa sobrang frustration, ibabaling niya ang atensyon sa pagsusulat ng aklat. Sa haba ng tatakbuhin ng kinakaharap niyang mga kaso, makakapagtayo siya ng isang library.

Magiging mailap pa rin ang pag-ibig kay Pangulong Aquino. If it’s any consolation, napaghandaan n’ya na ‘yon.

Hahanap ng excuse ang Pangulo upang hindi siya dumalo sa kasal nina Councilor Shalani Soledad at Cong. Roman Romulo sa January 22. Posibleng magpa-schedule siya ng visit sa isang lalawigan sa araw na ‘yon.

Ang lucky number ni Pangulong Aquino sa taong ito ay two-thirds (2/3).

Paulit-ulit na magiging top trending topic worldwide sa Twitter ang impeachment trial ni Chief Justice Renato Corona.

Sa kasagsagan ng trial, maglalabas ng survey ang SWS at Pulse Asia na nagpapakitang mayorya ng respondents ay nagi-expect ng ‘guilty’ verdict kay Corona. Malaki ang magiging impluwensya nito sa gagawing pagboto ng mga senator-judges lalo na ang mga reelectionists.

Sa ngayon ay wala akong nakikitang malinaw na ending sa impeachment trial ngunit malinaw sa aking bolang kristal na tatlong beses makakatulog si Sen. Lito Lapid habang isinasagawa ang paglilitis.

Kung tagumpay na malalampasan ng Pilipinas ang impeachment trial, magandang future ang naghihintay sa bansa. Hindi ko lang sure kung present pa rin sa naturang ‘future’ sina Sen. Juan Ponce-Enrile at Mrs. Imelda Marcos.

Mas mauuna pang maubos ang buhok ni Pangulong Aquino kaysa sa pagsasabatas ng Reproductive Health Bill at Freedom of Information Bill.

Tataas ang singil sa tubig, kuryente, at pamasahe pero hindi makikialam ang Malacañang dahil popular pa naman ang presidente.

Posibleng masangkot sa isang sex scandal si Executive Secretary Paquito ‘Jojo’ Ochoa. Maging cautious sa mga nami-meet na babae. Tiyaking sila ay babae.

Hindi makakabuntis si DOTC Sec. Mar Roxas.

Hindi mabubuntis si DOJ Sec. Leila De Lima.

Magkakaroon ng sequel ang ‘itlog ni Topacio.’ Hindi nito mapapantayan ang kasikatan ng naunang punchline ng kanyang amo.

Kung hindi mag-iingat, mao-overdose si Mrs. Elena Bautista-Horn sa sleeping pills. Or worse, malulunok niya ang kanyang dila.

Hindi kikita ang ‘Emilio Aguinaldo’ biopic ni Laguna Governor ER Ejercito pero sapat na ang na-generate nitong buzz upang mag-decide ang gobernador na tumakbo sa pagka-senador. Matatalo siya.

Sa Sports…
Gagastusan ni Manny V. Pangilinan ang pagdalaw sa bansa ng Makati-born, National Football League quarterback na si Tim Tebow ng Denver Broncos.

Hindi matutupad ang hangad na five-peat ng Ateneo Blue Eagles sa UAAP basketball. Tatalunin sila sa Best-of-3 finals, 0-2 ng isang koponan. Hindi UP ‘yon. Sure na.

Ang mga players ng San Beda Red Lions na hindi mada-draft sa PBA ay papasukin ang contact sports, puwedeng boxing o mixed martial arts.

Sa Showbiz…
Mali-link si Kris Aquino either sa isang rugby o football player… depende sa tolerance level ng atleta.

Masasangkot sa isang kontrobersya ang pamilya Pacquiao. Isang gabi, maririnig ang malakas na sigaw ni Manny: “Magnanakaw! Magnanakaw!” Si Jinkee lang pala ‘yon. Hindi lang siya nakilala ng People’s Champ.

Hindi na mapapantayan pa ng anumang susunod na Vice Ganda movie ang kinita ng ‘Praybeyt Benjamin.’ Natuto na ang mga tao.

Walang magiging improvement sa hosting skills ni Manny Pacquiao. Same fate awaits Isabelle Daza.

Ibabasura ng piskalya ang mga isinampang reklamo ni Nadia Montenegro laban kay Annabelle Rama. Wala itong gaanong epekto. Hindi pa rin nabibili ang breeding.

May kakalat na sex video diumano nina KC Concepcion at Piolo Pascual. Walang maniniwala.

This Year’s…
Lucky Number: Wala. Ang tanda mo na, nagpapaniwala ka pa sa ganitong kalokohan.
Lucky Day: Pay day.

At sumainyo ang mga prediksyon para sa taong 2012. Sa mga nagtatanong kung totoong magwawakas ang mundo sa December 21, hindi po totoo ‘yan. Mula 1999 ay apat na beses na akong nakaligtas sa tinatawag na ‘end of the world.’ Take note: twice pa last year. Walang ‘pinagkaiba ang 2012. Kaya friends, chill!

Maraming salamat sa inyong pagtitiwala.

Madam Kalachuchi
Psychic Extraordinaire
For personal consultations, call: 1-908-1-4627 local 2366 Toll Free
“Masses are always breeding grounds of psychic epidemics.”
~Carl Jung

Quote of the Weak
“Itong isang sikat na TV host, sinasabi eh magwawala daw si Dingdong kapag natalo siya bilang best actor at itataya nila ang buong pamilya niya kapag siya ay natalo ng best actor. Sa tingin ko eh merong magic.”
– Laguna Governor ER Ejercito on losing the MMFF Best Actor award to Dingdong Dantes

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Have a great week! Happy 2011!


1 01 2012

STILL IN BED while writing this post. These are random thoughts on or about the New Year i originally posted on Twitter. Happy New Year!

Overheard: “Definition of a hangover: Wrath of Grapes.”

It’s 2012. It’s make or break for the Mayans.

For the record, I’ve survived three “Rapture” since Dec 31, 1999. I am so ready for another. #2012

Happy New Year Nukualofa, Chatham Islands, Kiritimati, Apia, and Fakaofo! Weh ano naman ngayon kung nauna kayo? Bakit? Sikat ba kayo?

General Forecast: The coming year’s lucky colors: Gamboge, Urobilin, and Café au lait. Can’t pronounce them? Then, you’ll have two months of bad luck.

Ang aking 2011 ay parang gulong. May moments na nasa ibabaw, may moments na nasa ilalim. But generally, it was a good year.

This got to be Osama Bin Laden’s saddest New Year’s Eve ever. His firecrackers were soaking wet. #arabianSea

2011 was a bad year for dictators. Hopefully, 2012 will be worse for them.

This year, Kim Jong-Un should diet.

Talk is cheap. And cheaper if you’re ‘naka-unli.’

I started and ended 2011 on social media. ‘Social life’ redefined.

This coming year, let’s spend some quality time avoiding each other. #bittertweet

Everything’s going digital. You’ll enjoy it more with a complete set of fingers. Think twice before lighting a firecracker tonight.

A recent survey showed that 88 percent of Filipinos welcomed 2012 with hope. Some 400 others welcomed it with stitches and severed fingers.

According to the Department of Health, the top 5 injury-causing fireworks are piccolo, kwitis, fountain, five star & luces… known collectively as, “stubbornness.”

Nicki Minaj’ ‘Super Bass’ and Jessie J’s ‘Price Tag’ are soooo last year!

2012 is the Year of the Dragon. Bad news for Nadia Montenegro.

One of my friends’ New Year’s resolutions is to be extraordinary. ‘Coz right now, he’s sooo predictable. He’s even more predictable than the casting of Deejay Durano in Wenn Deramas movies

Finally, here’s your Horoscope for 2012. Have fun!

Again, Happy New Year!

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