KRISSY & OTHER STORIES

HERE’S ANOTHER batch of letters/inquiries from famous and not so famous people. Before I answer them though, let’s talk first to a very special guest who dropped by to say hi. Ladies and gentlemen, the most popular presidential sister in the world, Ms Kris Aquino…


Kris: Hi Bimb!
Heckler: Bimb? What’s Bimb mama?
Kris: Aha-ha-ha. Aminin mo Heckler, may recall ang TVC namin ni Bimby.
Heckler: What’s recall mama?
Kris: Stop it! Gosh! Hindi bagay sa ‘yo promise!
Heckler: Sige na nga! What brings you here?
Kris: Wala lang. Just wanted to say hello to your readers! Alam ko namang kapag ako ang topic mo, dumodoble sa unique hits ang blog mo. O, don’t deny! Aha-ha-ha! Pero ‘di naman ako magtatagal. I have to tape pa for KrisTV and then a meeting with UN people.
Heckler: Uy! Congratulations nga pala for being the newest United Nations High Commission on Refugees Goodwill Ambassador. Ikaw na talaga!
Kris: Thanks but let me clarify something! Angelina Jolie is the UNHCR Goodwill Ambassador. I am one of four honorary patrons. You talaga Heckler! Palpak ang research mo. Para kang si Jojo Robles ng Manila Standard Today! Hay naku! Think before you write!
Heckler: What’s the exact title again? Honorary matron?
Kris: Patron!!! Helloooooo! Mukha ba ‘kong matrona! I’m only 40 ‘noh! Kainis ka!
Heckler: Sorry po! I have a question nga pala Kris. You were quoted to have said na ayaw mo na sa guwapo, right?
Kris: Uh-huh.
Heckler: Tanong: May pag-asa na ba sa ‘yo si Mayor Junjun Binay?
Kris: You are so mean! Grabe ka! I swear! Wala akong sinabing pangit si Junjun huh!
Heckler: Bakit? May sinabi ba akong pangit siya?
Kris: Hellllow! Implied!
Heckler: Helllllow! Defensive!
Kris: Hay naku, late na ako sa taping! Ciao!
Heckler: What’s ciao mama? Hahaha
Kris: Ewan ko sa ‘yo! Bye!

And now, the letters…

Dear Professional Heckler,
Biktima na naman ako ng mga tsismosa. Ikinakalat nilang may naanakan akong estudyante. Bakit ba ginaganito nila ako? Ano bang mali ang nagawa ko?
Tuliro,
Pacman

Dear Pacman,
Nang sabihin mo last May na “Go to the world and multiply,” maraming nag-akalang si Jinkee ang ka-multiply mo! Hindi pala! ‘Yan ang napapala ng mga taong ayaw gumamit ng condom! ‘Buti nga sa ‘yo!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Dalawampu’t dalawang taon na akong nag-u-Undas sa lupa. Kailan ako matatahimik? Hanggang kailan ako magtitiis?
Brrrrrrr,
Ferdinand

Dear Ferdinand,
If it’s any consolation, malamig ang kinaroroonan mo ngayon. Sakaling mailibing ka, napakainit ng iyong destinasyon. So, ano talaga ang mas gusto mo: nag-aapoy o nagyeyelo?
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
My wife and I have been praying hard to have a baby pero wala pa ring success. Any tip?
Nag-aalala,
Mar

Dear Mar,
Aside from praying, what else is hard in you? Kung wala na, good luck na lang kay Korina.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Narinig ko po sa balita na ipinagtanggol ng Department of Energy ang mga kompanya ng langis matapos na naman silang magtaas ng presyo ng mga produktong petrolyo. Anong klaseng tao ba ang mga ‘yan!?
Nagdududa,
Mamang Driver

Dear Mamang Driver,
Sila ang tinatawag na ‘lawyer’ at ang ginagawa nila ay ‘lawyering.’ Klaro?
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Pansin ko lang, marami nang siyudad sa mundo ang nakikiisa sa Occupy Wall Street movement. Bakit parang sa Pilipinas po tahimik?
Nagtataka,
Mr. Bonleon

Dear Mr. Bonleon,
Bago pa man nauso ang Occupy Wall Street, matagal nang ginagawa ng mga hinayupak na buses ang Occupy Edsa. Tayo talaga ang nauna. Itanong mo pa kay Claire De La Fuente.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Never before has the entire judiciary, even in the days of martial law, been subjected to so much disrespect and lack of civility from sectors we sincerely consider to be our partners in nation-building. I say to them here and now: enough is enough!
Galit na,
Chief Justice

Dear Chief Justice,
Hindi muna ako magbibigay ng kumento. Baka kasi after 13 years, bawiin mo ang iyong mga sinabi. Inform me na lang kung final na ang statement mo. Thanks.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Si Christopher Lao, nagkaroon ng commercial after niyang mabiktima ng cyberbullying. Ako rin naman ‘di ba? Na-cyberbully din ako. Sa iyong palagay, magkaroon din kaya ako ng endorsement?
Plank!
Rep. Winnie Castelo
Quezon City

Dear Congressman Castelo,
The number you dialed is either unattended or out of coverage area. Please try your call later. The number you dialed is either unattended or out of coverage area. Please try your call later.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
May alam ako sa nangyaring dayaan noong 2004 elections. In fact, binayaran ako ng malaking halaga para mandaya sa Mindanao. Puwede rin ba akong tumestigo? Immunity muna.
Game na,
Taufik Adianto

Dear Taufik,
Ulol. Ano ‘to, trend? Nagsusulputan kayo ah! Ibalik mo muna ang suhol sa ‘yo saka ka humingi ng immunity! Kapal mo!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Nag-shopping ako noong weekend. Sale kasi. Grabe naman ang higpit ng mga guwardiya! Kung makahalukay sila ng bag, akala mo, may tinatago akong bomba. Tinarayan ko nga! Saksakan pa naman nang haba ang pila. Inabot kami ng siyam-siyam.
Imbyerna,
Timotea

Dear Timotea,
Siguro pangit ka! Ang arte mo eh! Para kanino ba ang mahigpit na seguridad sa malls ngayon? ‘Di ba para rin sa safety ng mga katulad mong shoppers? Pasalamat ka at hindi ako ‘yong guwardiya. Kung nagkataon, baka hindi lang bag mo ang hinalukay ko kundi pati ‘yang pagmumukha mo!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Ano ba ang tamang pronunciation: ‘Tee-veyyyy’ Patrol o simply, TV Patrol?
Curious lang,
Piolo

Dear Piolo,
Curious ka pa rin ba until now? Ang tagal na ah! To answer your question… ‘TV Patrol’ ang correct na basa do’n. Pero sabi nga, there is exception to every rule. Puwede mo lang gamitin ang ‘Teeee-vey’ o ‘T-Veeeey’ o ‘Teeee-veeeey’ Patrol kung ikaw ay dating bise presidente. Minsan kasi ang pagiging engot comes naturally. Nagkataong bagay sa kanya so hayaan na natin.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Gano’n ba talaga ako kasama sa paningin ng publiko? Na parang wala na akong ginawang tama ni minsan? Na parang ako na ang pinaka-abusadong congressman? Na tila ako na ang pinaka-corrupt na ex-presidential son?
Pakisagot,
Mikey

Dear Mikey,
Oo.
Heckler
—————————————————————————————————–
“Trying to squash a rumor is like trying to unring a bell.”
~Shana Alexander

Sex and Pacman
Manny Pacquiao tells Playboy magazine, he abstains from sex three weeks before a fight. Or even longer than that after a fight… with Jinkee.

Elsewhere
Philippine Daily Inquirer: NAIA is world’s worst airport – poll

GMA News: Philippines is third most disastrous nation

Enjoy the rest of the week! Stay healthy and happy!

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Author: professionalheckler

See About the Heckler

18 thoughts on “KRISSY & OTHER STORIES”

  1. This is oneby far, one of your “gutsiest” issues!!! Congratulations! Para sa akin, sayang yung mahabang space na ginamit mo kay Kris Aquino. Please touch base with your other “favs”,… the likes of Jamby Madrigal, Lito Atienza, Manny Villar, the Ancient One, Johnny Enrile, the Joker Arroyo, the crying boy, Lozada…etal. Thanks.

    Like

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