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DEAR PROFESSIONAL HECKLER

21 07 2011

OF LATE, the Professional Heckler has been receiving emails, letters, text messages, and tweets from famous and not-so-famous Filipinos alike. Due to his hectic schedule though (as if), he was able to reply to each of those letters only now. Apologies. Here we go…

Dear Professional Heckler,
Isa akong inmate sa New Bilibid Prisons. Pakiramdam ko, may sakit ako sa puso. Puwede rin ba akong magpa-check up sa Philippine Heart Center?
Umaasa,
Bogart

Dear Bogart,
May alam ka bang kasalanan ni Gloria? Kung wala, tiisin mo na lang ang sakit mo sa puso.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Isa akong mapagpatol na tao. Halos kada linggo, nakikipagsagutan talaga ako. Wala akong inuurungan. Hindi ko pinapalampas ang mga patutsada ng aking mga kalaban. Sanga pala, gusto kong magtrabaho sa gobyerno. Saan ba ako puwede?
Yours truly,
Anton

Dear Anton,
Puwede ka sa Communications Group. Of course, advantage kung abogado ka. Kaya lang, wala pa yatang opening ngayon. Hindi kita matutulungan.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Hello! Kumusta kayong lahat!
Miss you,
Bedol

Dear Bedol,
Magkano?
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Hindi ko na kinakaya ang ginagawa nila sa akin. Nananahimik ako. Kumikirot ang aking leeg. Masama ang aking pakiramdam pero wala talaga silang awa. Ayaw nila akong tigilan. Kailan ba ito matatapos?
Saklolo,
Gloria

Dear Gloria,
Just do what is right, do what is best, and Raul Lambino will take care of the rest.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Isa akong dating halal na government official na natapos na ang termino. Wala na akong ginagawa. Mahilig ako sa balita at may magandang boses. Saan ako puwedeng mag-apply?
Yours truly,
Kagalang-galang na Ex-Official

Dear Kagalang-galang na Ex-Official,
With your credentials, perfect ka sa TV Patrol! Try mo!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Magkano ba ang presyo ng isang kilong galunggong ngayon? Would you know?
Curious,
Jamby

Dear Jamby,
Hanggang ngayon ba naman curious ka pa rin? I don’t eat fish. Sorry, I cannot answer your question.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Gusto kong maging state witness. Marami akong alam against GMA. Maniwala ka!
Desperado,
Zaldy

Dear Zaldy,
Sapak gusto mo?
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler
Ikaw ang kanlungan ng nangangailangan. Ikaw ang pag-asa at kinabukasan. Haplos mo ay lunas sa bawat pagal. Salamat sa iyong dampi ng pagmamahal.
Love,
Manny Garcia

Dear Manny Garcia,
Ulol!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Narinig ko po sa balita na posibleng ideklarang pangulo ang aking late Papa. Puwede rin ba akong tawaging former presidential daughter?
Tempting,
Lovidovi

Dear Lovidovi,
Magpaalam ka muna sa tunay na asawa ng iyong ama. I heard you’re not in good terms. Kapag pumayag siya, go! Kung hindi, huwag malungkot dahil ikaw naman ang former future First Lady ng first district of Ilocos Sur. ‘Musta na si Ronald?
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Oo! Handa na ako! Isisiwalat ko na ang lahat-lahat tungkol sa dayaan noong 2004 pero sa isang kondisyon. Gusto ko via phone patch.
Demanding,
Garci

Dear Garci,
Wala kang karapatang mag-demand, punyeta ka! Kung lalabas ka, bilisan mo para umabot sa SONA. At ‘wag mong itanong kung magkano! Wala nang budget ang palasyo!
Heckler

Deal Plofessional Hecklel,
Sabi mo iyo mga conglessman, sila wag na balik Pag-Asa Island. Amin buo isla! Kami una ari Splatlys Islands. Pag kayo hindi tigil, kayo invade namin. Undelstand?
Xie xie,
Mr. Chinese Ambassador

Dear Mr. Chinese Ambassador,
Ikaw huwag bully. Kayo sumbong namin Amelicans. Sila amin friendship. Sila tulong amin. Hindi kami takot. Teka lang, bakit ako ganito salita? At bakit ikaw basa nang basa. Mukha ka rin tanga.
Hecklel

Dear Professional Heckler,
Matagal nang nali-link ang mister kong kongresista sa isang sexy comedienne/TV host. Pero wala naman akong pruweba. Dapat ko ba siyang iwan?
Hu-hu-hu,
Angela

Dear Angela,
In the first place, hindi mo siya dapat pinakasalan dahil second cousin mo siya! Bahala ka sa buhay mo! Malaswaaaa!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Uuwi na ako. Malapit na. Puwede bang mag-stay pansamantala sa inyo?
Excited,
Ate Guy

Dear Ate Guy,
First of all, hanga ako sa ‘yo. Ikaw lang ang GUY na GIRL. Pero ‘di ako naniniwalang uuwi ka. Wala kang pamasahe! Casino ka kasi nang casino! Tigilan mo na ‘yan!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Panay na panay ang banat mo sa amin. Mag-ingat ka g*go! At ’wag na ‘wag kang pupunta sa aming siyudad kung ayaw mong mabugbog!
Galit na galit,
Sara, Rudy, and Paolo

Dear Sara, Rudy, and Paolo
Ito lang ang masasabi ko: [click here]
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
It’s in the news today! I lost at least 6 inches off my waist. Bilib ka na ba?
Nagmamahal,
Mega

Dear Mega,
Weh? ‘Di nga?
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Sabi nila, na-rape ako. Feeling ko naman, na-harass lang. Ewan ko ba! Kumuha na ako ng abogado. Ano ba ang dapat kong gawin?
Naguguluhan,
Amanda

Dear Amanda,
Nagkamali ka iha. Hindi dapat abogado ang kinuha mo kundi bato – ‘tapos ipinukpok mo sana sa ulo mo para natauhan ka. Flirt!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Itago mo na lang ako sa pangalang Piolo. Mayaman, maimpluwensya, mula sa iginagalang na pamilya at may mataas na posisyon sa pamahalaan. Fifty-one years old na ako pero wala pa rin akong girlfriend. Bakit kaya?
Worried,
Alias Piolo

Dear Piolo,
Pa-Piolo-Piolo ka pa d’yan utot mo! Kilala kita! Pinasok mo ang puwestong ‘yan, magtiis ka! ‘Tsaka… bago mo problemahin ang puso mo, asikasuhin mo muna ‘yang baga mo! Tumigil ka sa paninigarilyo! Okay? Good luck sa SONA mo! Bye!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
At present, I really need a brand-new car, possibly a 4 x 4. I am anticipating your favorable response on this regard. Be assured of my constant support. Thank you very much.
God Bless,
Bishop Pueblos

Dear Bishop Pueblos,
Wala ka talagang kadala-dala! ‘Tsaka anong “constant support” ang pinagsasasabi mo d’yan!? Hindi tayo magkakilala! Magtigil ka!
Heckler
———————————————————————————–
“From the beginning of our history the country has been afflicted with compromise. It is by compromise that human rights have been abandoned.”
~Charles Sumner

You Have Spoken
Kung mapatunayang nanalo nga si FPJ noong 2004, pabor ba kayo sa suhestyong isabit ang kanyang larawan sa palasyo?
-OO naman. 34.83%
-NO. 22.82%
-Ke isabit o hindi, ikakayaman ko ba ‘yan? 42.34%

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Enjoy the rest of the week!

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36 responses

21 07 2011
Rotary Club of San Pedro East

Base.

Like

21 07 2011
a solemn punch

Base.

Like

21 07 2011
Del

nakalimutan mong magpasalamat sa nagbigay sa iyo ng idea sa blog mong ito, hehehe. Nabasa ko sa twitter yung paglitaw ng bombilya sa ulo mo :).

Kelan naman interview mo ke miriam?

Like

21 07 2011
elleica

hahaha! The best ka tlga heckler! Minsan ikaw na lang ang binabasa ko para maging updated ako sa news. 🙂

Like

21 07 2011
rojan88

wahahahahaha, hagalpak talga ko sa post na to. the best ka idol. IKAW NA. 🙂
the best ung kay garci may ‘punyeta’ talga. ahahaha. pati ung kay angela, parang si mommy d ang kausap, malaaaswaaa malassswaaaa. lol. ung kay amanda sana tinagalog all the way mo nlng idol, parang ganito
“Dear Amanda,
Nagkamali ka iha. Hindi dapat abogado ang kinuha mo kundi bato – ‘tapos ipinukpok mo sana sa ulo mo para natauhan ka. KIRE!
Heckler”. hahaha
pati ung sa “The Duterte’s” hahaha cute ng pic nung baby. at syempre kay Bishop “magtigil’ ka. hahaha
the best ka talga idol. keep it up. 🙂

http://rojan88.wordpress.com

Like

22 07 2011
hikatalomato

nakalimutan mong i-link ang blogspot mo doon sa last post ni heckler.

Like

23 07 2011
etchosera

Ayyyy!

Like

21 07 2011
Vernie Barsanas

“Dear Piolo,
Pa-Piolo-Piolo ka pa d’yan utot mo! Kilala kita! Pinasok mo ang puwestong ‘yan, magtiis ka! ‘Tsaka… bago mo problemahin ang puso mo, asikasuhin mo muna ‘yang baga mo! Tumigil ka sa paninigarilyo! Okay? Good luck sa SONA mo! Bye!
Heckler”

=============
Hahaha! Panalo! Hagalpak ako sa kakatawa!

Ikaw na talaga, PH!

Like

21 07 2011
eddibumangon

Napuna ko lang, panay sipsip kay Mr. PH ang mga naunang komento. Ayaw kong matawag na sipsip kaya no comment na lang ako… **nagpipigil mag- ROFL**

Like

22 07 2011
etchosera

megaknown talaga?

Like

21 07 2011
eddibumangon

Zaldy Ampatuan is occupying a suite at the PHC? Pnoy must have hated GMA that much that he is willing to give preferential treatment to a murderer who massacred 56 people just to pin her down…Well I’m not surprised, this is the same Pnoy who acted as chief of security of Hda Luisita when the massacre happened…

Like

22 07 2011
hikatalomato

according kay ernie baron, very rare daw sa mga moklo magkaroon ng sakit sa puso dahil di sila kumakain ng karne ng baboy.

Like

23 07 2011
senior60

uyyy hikata, alam mo bang galit sila pag tinatawag

na moklo?

Like

21 07 2011
shirley

…what can I say… LOL! and 2 THUMBS UP! 😉

Like

22 07 2011
amateur heckler

Dear Professional Heckler (aka Anonymous)

Pasensya na at hindi kita na mention sa column ko. Tarantado kasi itong editor ko. Hindi daw akma sa imahe ko na malaman ng taong bayan na may sense of humor pala ako. Kailangan daw kasi na tigasin ang dating ko. Ako naman si gago at naniwala sa kanya. Sa totoo lang, walang mintis akong nagbabasa sa blog mo. Minsan nagcomment ako at every minute akong nagchecheck sa blog mo para malaman ang reaction ng mga fans mo. Muntik na akong mabaliw kasi matagal bago mo ma update ang mga comments. Tinamaan tuloy ang laptop ko ng bat.

Mr. T

Like

22 07 2011
etchosera

Bwahahahahehihohuhuhuhuhu!

Anetch anetch na naman itetch?

Like

22 07 2011
angel jack the devils

Dear Ph,

Sana God urges the Philippine politicians who are unqualified, w/ bad intentions and without intentions to not to run for presidents also. (which is Erap, GMA and…)

Praying,
Angel Jack the Devils

P.S.
At sana sa lahat ng elected positions. Alam ko humihingi na ako ng mirakulo! 🙂

God Urges Rick Perry Not To Run For President

AUSTIN, TX—Describing Texas Gov. Rick Perry as grossly unqualified for the position, God, the Creator and Ruler of the Universe, urged Perry not to run for president of the United States Wednesday. “I prayed last night and asked the Lord to support my candidacy, and He said no,” Perry told reporters outside the Texas Capitol, explaining that God had cited the governor’s rejection of federal stimulus funds to expand state jobless benefits, his irresponsible speculation about Texas seceding from the union, and his overall lack of concrete solutions to nation’s problems as reasons why He could not endorse a Perry presidential bid. “I believe God made some valid points about my lack of credentials, and He’s absolutely right. My extreme beliefs when it comes to social issues and states’ rights are not only disturbingly narrow-minded, but would also make me a horrible president.” When reached for comment, God said He would not be present at Perry’s much-talked-about Christian day of prayer on Aug. 6, calling the governor’s use of his public office to endorse a religion both “irresponsible” and a violation of the Constitution.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/god-urges-rick-perry-not-to-run-for-president,20981/

Like

22 07 2011
senior60

naninibago ako sa sulat ni gloria, walang s, h, sh

Like

22 07 2011
piyaa

pagnagshashalita lang po sha may esh. hehe. panalo tong shang to ph!

Like

23 07 2011
senior60

sinapian ka yata ni gloria piyaa

Like

22 07 2011
etchosera

Anuvahhhhhhh?

Like

23 07 2011
senior60

anuvahhhhhhh ang anuvahhhhhhh etchos,

huwag mo kasing ibitin…

Like

22 07 2011
kakashi

funny indeed! 🙂

Like

22 07 2011
lambornos

Okey lang yan Senior 60 Iba talaga kung magsalita si GMA at kun siya ay sumalat. Nakatanggap ako nga sulat niya , tinangap ang lahat na kasalanan at walang rin s,h, & sh.

Like

23 07 2011
senior60

ah ok bakit hindi ko yun naisip…

at bakit ka naman nakatanggap, close kayo?

Like

23 07 2011
etchosera

Jaena Kuh!

Like

22 07 2011
Fan from Allentown, Pennsylvania, USA

Tawa ako nang tawa pero seriously, ikaw ang source ko ng mga balita sa Pilipinas. You are my Jon Stewart & Steven Colbert, and that’s the greatest compliment I can offer you.

Like

22 07 2011
professionalheckler

wow. THANK YOU SO MUCH. i am lost for words. sobrang papuri naman ‘yan. i’m not worthy. Mabuhay po kayo jan sa Amerika!

Like

22 07 2011
lowela

good job, hecklel! good job…!

Like

22 07 2011
mimi

dear heckler,

Pano ba yan. Malaki ang utang ng US sa China… Hanggang salita lng ng US yun…

Like

22 07 2011
coram 52

this is one of your “bests” loi, thanks a lot, you made my day again… morer power, keep heckling! 😉

Like

22 07 2011
coram 52

this is one of your “bests” loi, thanks a lot, you made my day again… more power, keep heckling! 😉

Like

22 07 2011
sabongero

dear professional heckler,

bakit pansin ko never mo tinira ang genuino and sons?

thank you

mga sugalero

Like

24 07 2011
etchoserang basagulera

simple lang ang sagot………HINDI SILA SIKAT, NO?

ahihihihihihi!

Like

28 07 2011
DEAR PROFESSIONAL HECKLER II

[…] a Comment Share Tweet THE LETTERS just keep pouring in. After last week’s post titled “Dear Professional Heckler,” my inbox has been inundated with mails from politicians, government officials, showbiz […]

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28 07 2011
DEAR PROFESSIONAL HECKLER II « The Professional Heckler

[…] LETTERS just keep pouring in. After last week’s post titled “Dear Professional Heckler,” my inbox has been inundated with mails from politicians, government officials, showbiz […]

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