The Royal Wedding
Prince William and Kate Middleton wed at Westminster Abbey in London Friday. The wedding ceremony was calm, peaceful, and orderly. However, the mass was briefly interrupted when the Archbishop of Canterbury ordered RH bill supporters to leave the Church because “it’s useless”.

Britain’s Prince William and his wife Kate, Duchess of Cambridge ride in a landau to Buckingham Palace after the Royal Wedding in London Friday. The newlyweds were supposed to ride a Porsche but William feared that doing so would pull down his approval and trust ratings.

Friday’s event in London was dubbed as a fairytale wedding. You have a future king, a future queen, and of course, a wicked witch. I’m not saying who. By the way, did you notice Camilla Parker Bowles’ hat?

Observers say the William and Kate romance is a Cinderella story. In fact, if you were watching closely, you would have noticed the pumpkin during the wedding. Here’s the photo.

Why Her?
Prince William and Kate Middleton got married Friday in London. A few weeks earlier, William proposed to Kate live on Wowowee.

Asked why she chose Kate, Prince William – to the surprise of the international media answered in Filipino, “Siya yung nagpatigil sa pagka-binata ko.”

By the way, to those who are asking: there’s no truth to rumors that William is running in the next elections.

Exchange of Vows
Prince William and Kate Middleton exchanged vows at Westminster Abbey Friday morning. Everyone who was invited showed up. Observers noticed though that William forgot to invite some of his… hair.

Prince William and Kate Middleton were declared man and wife at London’s Westminster Abbey Friday morning. Donald Trump – who failed to catch the ceremony on TV refused to believe that the wedding actually happened and demanded that the couple produce a marriage certificate.

This just in: London has reported a 40 percent increase in the sales of hats on wedding day alone.

The World Watched
Fascinated by Friday’s historic London event, Sen. Loren Legarda is reportedly looking forward to having her own Royal Wedding. After all, she’s a monarch… butterfly.

According to the international media, what took place on Friday morning at Westminster Abbey was the “Wedding of the Century.” Just wait ‘til our very own Piolo Pascual and KC Concepcion walk down the aisle! It will be the “Wedding of the Century… tuna.”

In Miami, LeBron James was up early to watch the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. But the Heat star reportedly got pissed and turned off the TV during the exchange of vows. He got jealous of Kate’s ring.

Aquino on William & Kate
Through his spokesman Edwin Lacierda, President Aquino said Prince William and Kate Middleton “must make adjustments so that their marriage foundation can be established.” To which, William and Kate replied:“Thank you Archbishop Oscar Cruz!” .

April 29, 2011 was a historic day indeed. In London, Prince William and Kate Middleton got married. In Manila, Merceditas Gutierrez and the Office of the Ombudsman got divorced.

OMG Resigns
On Friday, April 29, 2011, embattled Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez resigned. She read a prepared statement at a press conference held around 2pm. Unfortunately, she refused to answer questions from journalists, and immediately left… to attend a Royal Wedding viewing party.

Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez’s resignation drew mixed reactions from former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo’s allies. House Minority Leader Edcel Lagman said, “One who retreats from a good fight does not deserve to be defended or supported.” Quezon Representative Danilo Suarez stated, “Her family could not endure the pressure and I agreed that resignation was her only choice.” Senator Miguel Zubiri said, “Hmpf! I wanted to wear pa naman that magenta toga. Kainezz!”

Professor Harry Roque, one of the first to call for the impeachment of Gutierrez is hoping that her replacement “will embrace the challenge for the Ombudsman to deal with human rights violations.” He then enumerated the human rights violations committed by the Bangko Sentral ng Pilipinas against his client, Banco Filipino.

News of Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez’ resignation reached Westminster Abbey. Did you know what the wedding guests said? “Hats off!”

Birth Certificate
President Barack Obama has released his birth certificate to prove that he was born in the United States. Critics weren’t satisfied though. They want him to release an alleged psychiatric report from college to prove that he’s fit to govern.

In Washington DC, the White House has released a document that proves that President Obama was born in the United States. Meanwhile, in Manila, Malacañang will release a document that will prove that Jejomar Binay is not the president of the Philippines.

Good News
Palace spokesperson Edwin Lacierda says Malacañang has “good news” on Labor Day but he won’t reveal it yet. Be patient. It would leak.

Top 5 Pieces of “Good News” to be Announced by Malacañang on Labor Day

No. 5: More court cases against former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.

No. 4: President Aquino is going out with a new girl… but unlike the ladies he dated recently, this one’s into him.

No. 3: To complement the Pantawid Pasada cards for drivers, the government will distribute Pantawid Kusina cards for housewives, Pantawid Dagat for fisherfolks, Pantawid Kalsada for street children, and Pantawid Aliw for prostitutes.

No. 2: Prince William and Kate Middleton have chosen the Philippines as their honeymoon destination.

And the No. 1 piece of “good news” to be announced by Malacañang on Labor Day…

President Aquino is the son of Ninoy and he’s releasing a copy of his birth certificate to prove it.

Laperal Compound
The demolition of informal settlers at the Laperal compound in Makati City turned violent Thursday. In the morning, stubborn residents clashed with the police. In the afternoon, stubborn mayor Junjun Binay clashed with DILG Sec. Jesse Robredo.

Melendez vs. Meneses
Bulacan, Bulacan Mayor Patrick Meneses has filed a libel suit against his ex-girlfriend, actress and former Quezon City councilor Aiko Melendez for allegedly spreading rumors he’s gay. Meneses then excused himself from the press saying he needs to go home to catch the latest episode of Glee.

In support of their “maligned” colleague, local executives in Bulacan have signed a resolution declaring former Quezon City Councilor Aiko Melendez persona non grata in the whole province. Sought for comment, Melendez says she has yet to consult a lawyer and a dictionary.
“A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.”
~Zsa Zsa Gabor

You Have Spoken
Ano ang pinaka-tinututukan mong local all-news channel?
-AksyonTV (TV5) 4.03%
-ANC (ABS-CBN) 33.21%
-GMA News TV (GMA 7) 34.74%
-Depende sa palabas. I switch channels. 28.02%

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Have a safe weekend! Let’s go Lakers!

Author: professionalheckler

See About the Heckler

24 thoughts on “ANAK NG WEDDING!”

  1. Musings from malacanang

    Labor day – i will be pretending to work as usual

    Labor day good news – there isnt any but it wont stop me making something up.

    Love life – there isnt any but it wont stop me making one up.

    Family matters – josh and i are on the same wavelength but he is more mature than me so i respect his advice on macroeconomics and international diplomacy.

    Kris’s new affair is keeping her busy and out of the news. Pity it wont last.

    Uncle is happy that i am helping him turn luzon into cojuangco archipelago. Maybe he will give me another car.

    Personal appeal – puno, come home soon. Lacson and i are just good friends, i promise, and his cooking is awful.

    Music – was given pacman’s new record. It made me cry – in pain.

    Royal wedding – i notice that they dont urinate in the streets in london. We should stop doing it in manila. It might help our tourist image


  2. …dpat ipa-realize ni sec. robredo ky mayor j. binay that he has absolute administrative power over city mayors and police force.

    …otherwise gawin nang “makati republic” ng mga binays and lugar nila just to make a point. tutal ayaw din nman nilang sumunod kahit sa traffic scheme ng MMDA d b?


  3. i’m all for what Binay Jr. is doing sa Laperal residents, but i can’t help but wonder if his move is (more?) influenced by political motives. for the past years, Binay Sr. let the Laperal residents stay dahil malaking voter base yun which proved to be pro Binay.. but last elections, if i’m not mistaken, nakuha ng kalaban nila yun or at the very least, nahirapan sila when the Laperal residents went for Mercado. hmm..


  4. P-noy promises to announce good news on labor day. (just like he promised to reshuffle the cabinet in february!)
    Some possibilities

    Usec puno has been found.

    Pacman to be barred from singing in public

    P-noy to stop making promises.

    Ochoa has stopped drinking. ( before lunchtime)

    More jobs to be created – for his family members, and for luxury house builders needed by cabinet secretaries

    The straw man will lead his followers down the yellow brick road on a doomsday parade

    P-noy is having textual relations with shalani – (according to her last week) At his age 1 text a month is enough. His digit soon gets tired. Expect an ipad in 9 months.

    Binay has been charged with securing the spratly islands. P-noy has been charged with giving the oil rights to his uncle.


  5. the poison dwarf abroad on a speaking engagement!!
    she cant say a word in her own country.
    i think you will find there is no such engagement just a trip to usa to hide the paper trail and the money and to meet with lawyers.
    if only we had investigative reporters and not media sheep.


  6. kailan kaya ulit makakita ang mundo ng ganitong kasalan,

    na, for one, ang mga puno sa labas were transferred inside the

    church, maybe 25 t0 30 years after? kung magka baby sina william

    and kate? kaya the world went gaga at tama lang na ang mga tv stations

    ay nagkandauga sa pag cover the event


  7. p-noy on labor day
    ” i wont promise what can’t be done”

    maybe he should visit the aquino promises tracker. 100 promises during campaign and not one achieved and few even started.

    101 if you include the promise to shalani.

    suggests he looks up integrity in the dictionary.

    happy labor day!!


  8. With the resignation of gutless, PAL have lost one of their best customers. 60 business class flights in 60 months – mainly long haul to US, spending a total of 18 months abroad – 1 trip was 6 months alone! No wonder no cases were prosecuted. All info provided by NBI.


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