HOW TWEET IT IS

Modernong Talasalitaan
Makabagong kahulugan ng mga salita, parirala o pangungusap batay sa mga kaganapan sa ating kapaligiran. Ang kahulugan ay maaaring madagdagan, mabawasan, o maiba depende sa mga susunod na pangyayari.

1: Pantawid Pasada
– Temporaryong solusyon sa malalang problema
– Pumili ka: meron o wala?
Halimbawa:
Driver: Mahal na Pangulo, hirap na hirap na kaming mga drivers. Sa taas ng gas, wala na kaming kinikita.
Pangulo: ’Wag kayong mag-alala. Dahil kayo ang boss ko, heto ang Pantawid Pasada – isang card na may lamang P1,050 good for one month. That’s 1,050 pesos divided by 30 days= 35 pesos. Kalahating kilong asukal ‘din ‘yan! How sweet ‘di ba!

2: Rollback
– Lantarang panggogoyo
– Bulok, luma at kumitang istilo ng mga kompanya ng langis upang matiyak na kalmado ang gobyerno at ang publiko
Halimbawa:
Reporter: Sir, magkano ba ang iro-rollback n’yo sa presyo ng langis?
Oil firm spokesman: Depende ‘yan. Kung ang presyo ay tumaas ng 60 centavos per liter, ‘tapos biglang nag-ingay ang mga militante, 40 centavos kada litro ang rollback. Two weeks from now, magtataas ulit kami ng 50 centavos per liter. Kapag umalma ang Department of Energy, siyempre, kailangang mag-rollback ng 30 centavos. The amount to be rolled back is directly proportional to the scale of protests.

“I tweet therefore I am.”
The Professional Heckler intercepted the following posts on Twitter. Enjoy reading while he verifies the authenticity of each tweet.

Eraption
Maluwag ang pakiramdam kapag nagpapatawad. Kahit ganun ang ginawa ni @Chef_Ping sa akin, i have forgiven him!

CongGMA
@elena_horn pls draft a statement. ayaw talaga akong tantanan ng mga ‘yan. plunder naman ngayon. call @FrankDuque. ihanda n’ya ‘ka mo ang mga dokumento.

Chef_Ping
i just read the statement of the former president in today’s paper. forgiven? why? did i seek his forgiveness? tigilan ako.

FrankDuque
@CongGMA ako ang bahala ma’am. relax lang kayo. malalampasan natin ito. okiduque?

MerciFull
@CongGMA hi ma’am. the plunder case they filed against you is laughable, baseless, ridiculous, absurd, desperate, and preposterous. be strong ma’am. regards to @attymike.

Eraption
@Chef_Ping matigas ka pa rin. kaya ka kinakarma eh. di ka marunong tumanaw ng utang na loob.

CongGMA
@MerciFull uy! nagbago ka na ng Twitter account? wala na ‘yong @MerciGutsy? samahan mo ulit ako sa gym later. see yah!

Chef_Ping
i rather cook adobo than dignify the diatribe of a has-been politician. tama ba ako @angtunaynamichaelrayaquino? hahaha musta ka na friend? can’t wait for your extradition.

angtunaynamichaelrayaquino
@Chef_Ping ‘tang-ina. hahaha malas talaga. hindi pinansin ng korte ang appeal ko. kitakits bro!

Eraption
o, bakit nakakalaya pa ‘yang si gloria? bakit ako noon, dinakip kaagad matapos kasuhan ng plunder? hindi man lang ako nakaligo no’n. unfair naman yata ‘yan.

CongGMA
@Eraption bitter ka pa rin. mag-move on ka na. paulit-ulit lang ang sinasabi mo.

TheRealNoynoy
kakatapos lang ipaayos ang kotse. sumadsad eh. ang kulit kasi ni @SayChiz. ang bilis magpatakbo!

SayChiz
@TheRealNoynoy o, bakit ako na naman? nang bumaligtad ‘yan noong march, hindi naman ako ang kasama mo ah.

TheRealNoynoy
pssst! idelete mo ‘yang tweet na ‘yan! baka kumalat. RT @SayChiz o, bakit ako na naman? nang bumaligtad ‘yan noong march, hindi naman ako ang kasama mo ah.

TheRealNoynoy
@MrPalengke excited ka na? malapit nang matapos ang 1-year ban sa mga losers, este, non-winners. joke lang. ano bang gusto mong puwesto?

MrPalengke
@TheRealNoynoy teka lang. I have to consult @Rated_K. hon, ano bang gusto mo?

Rated_K
@MrPalengke any post will do hon. as long as we’re in power. btw, hon did you hear the chismis about @SayChiz? five months na raw hiwalay? karma.

SayChiz
@RatedK leave us alone! may alam din ako tungkol kay @MrPalengke! baka ma-shock ka kapag nalaman mo!

MrPalengke
@RatedK hon, stop it na! ‘wag na nating pakialaman ang buhay ni @SayChiz. enjoy your stay na lang in the vatican.

TheRealNoynoy
Congratulations @LDLima for getting the highest performance rating among cabinet members in the recent sws survey.

Chef_Ping
eh pa’no di magna-number 1 sa survey ‘yan, lahat na lang ng isyu, sinalihan. buwakaw sa publicity.

LDLima
@Chef_Ping don’t make this personal. let’s stick to the issue. baka nakakalimutan mo, hindi pa tapos ang usapin! @karinadacer and family deserve justice.

Gatdula_NBIChief
@LDLima sorry ma’am but i gotta say this. that’s not how you treat our future DILG secretary. the good senator deserves an apology.

Simply_Jesse_DILG
@Gatdula_NBIChief may alam ka bang hindi ko alam? am i on my way out? @TheRealNoynoy pakisagot please.

TheRealNoynoy
punye*a! humina ang signal ng broadband ko. brb. tweet you all later.

Official_Balay
SWS Performance Rating: Atty. Edwin Lacierda:43% and Sec. Ricky Carandang:36% vs. Sec. Herminio Coloma:31 percent. Therefore, Balay, 2: Samar, 0. ‘Nuff said.

Official_Samar
@Official_Balay 2-0?!? Patawa! Ipinagmamalaki n’yo ang 43 at 36 percent? How about this: Vice President Jejomar Binay (Samar Group): 83 percent! Pagsamahin n’yo man ang ratings n’yo, taob pa rin kayo! Hahahahaha!

Jojo_OchoOcho
thank you guys for the trust. nasa top 5 ako sa sws survey. sabi sa news, “biggest gainer.” yey!

RatedK
akalain mo ‘yon? wala na ngang ginagawa nasa top 5 pa?! ang lakas ng tsamba! i’m sure, magpapainom ‘yan!

MrPalengke
@RatedK hon, ‘di ba sabi ko, tama na? pati ba naman ‘yong lasenggong ‘yon pinapatulan mo pa? focus ka na lang sa coverage mo ng beatification ni pope john paul II. malay mo, mabawasan pa ang kasalanan mo. jooooke! miss you hon. mwah!

Free_Willie
malapit na akong bumalik. mas masayang show, mas maraming games, mas malaking papremyo. hindi tayo kayang ibagsak ng @abscbn. abangan ang pagbabalik ni janjan sa sarili niyang segment: Machonuring Bata Portion!

ABSCBNews
Today’s top story: Groups file child abuse raps vs. Willie Revillame, Willing Willie

Free_Willie
@ABSCBNews eh di magreklamo kayo sa lolo n’yong panot. hahaha

TeyVeeeeeeeee_Patrollll
Tanong ng TVP: Dapat bang bumalik sa telebisyon si Willie? A. Huwag na! B. No way! Tweet your vote now or txt TVP (space) A or B and send to 2666 for all networks except TV5.

CBCFee
if there are pro-RH bill inside the church, go out! it’s useless! terrorists! condoms kill the innocents. no to rh bill! no to condoms!

GymParedes
@CBCFee millions of my sperm cells die thrice a week (ok ok, twice a week lang). so i’m a terrorist now?

CBCFee
@GymParedes become a bishop first, then let’s talk.

INC_10%
RH Bill FTW! Wohoo!

CBCFee
@INC_10% whateverrrrrrrr!

CongressmanPacquiao
and huuuuuu em i to jads u on what u say or do? I’m onli jazz beginning… 2 c the reeel u. in sometime wen wii tats. tisting lang! hihihi hindi ako maka-concentrit sa rekurding eh. laging nakabuntut si dianne. feeling ko nga siya ang nanay ku! juk lang. hihihi

GMANews
Abangan sa 24 Oras: Ang schedule ng pag-utot at pagdumi ni Prince William, dalawang araw bago siya ikasal! Exclusive!

A_N_C
First look! Kate Middleton releases photos of her first ever sanitary napkin! Exclusive!

TV5_AksyonTV
Abangan! Ang isusuot na boxer briefs ni Prince William sa kanilang honeymoon! Exclusive!

Pearly_Shell
@Chevron magkano bang itataas natin next week? 40 o 50 centavos? decide na kasi tayo. can we discuss this over dinner with @Petron?

Petron
@Pearly_Shell @Chevron itodo na natin! madali namang magrollback if ever. game?

Chevron
@Petron @Pearly_Shell why not? merry christmas guys! tiba-tiba na naman! see you later!

Piston
@Petron @Pearly_Shell @Chevron tang-i*a n’yo! mga buwaya kayo!

HighEnergyDepartment
@Piston mag-apologize ka! ‘wag mong binabastos sina @Petron @Pearly_Shell & @Chevron! malaki ang tulong nila sa ekonomiya!

iAm_MarleneAguilar
@JudgeVargas how could u cite me 4 contempt when i just told the truth? wala kang bayag! ‘yang sex organ mo wala ring helmet! come on! fight me! you made life for Jsin miserable. i won’t stop until i see u rot in Hades. come on! fight me!

Aiko_M
i swear i didn’t start the rumor na bakla si bulacan, bulacan mayor patrick meneses! stop dragging me into this ka-cheapan. break na kami but no, i won’t speak ill of her, i mean him.

PatMeneses_Bulacan
@Aiko_M sa korte ka na magpaliwanag bruha ka! kung anu-ano ang ikinakalat mong tsismis about me! i will sue you! bitch!

CongressmanPacquiao
i wanna hold u tell i die. tell we boat brick down en cry. i wanna hold u tell the fair in me subsiiiiiiide… salamat sa supurta! || pwidi ba, tigilan mu muna ang pagsunud sa akin @diannecastilliju? maliligu na aku! gave me a break!
—————————————————
“We have, I fear, confused power with greatness.”
~Stewart Udall


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“On May 31, Friendster will move to wipe out all photos, blogs, comments and groups uploaded or created by its users.”

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Author: professionalheckler

See About the Heckler

31 thoughts on “HOW TWEET IT IS”

    1. ang trying hard ng mga newscaster like vicky morales sa kanilang reportage about the royal wedding. kakasuka these entertainment news being given importance, mas mahaba pa sa mga national news. nung paki namin jan, masyadong OA!!!

      pag inanalyze mo ung mga pinagsasabi, all silliness and stupidity. wala na bang intelligent news sa primetime tv??? at sabihan pa na “pinaka-aabangan ng buong mundo”??? sinong buong mundo??? you small minds!!!

      Like

      1. Naku naman ‘Teh, kung makapagsalita ka naman eh parang di ka na ma-reach?

        if I know tutok na tutok ka naman sa panonood, no?

        Tigil-tigilan na kasi yang mga pretenses na nagpapaka-intelihente kuning kuning. Typical of a social climbing locust.

        Wake up and smell the coffee! Magpakatotoo!

        Hala….Asikasuhin mo yang pagkulot mo kay Aling Vacion, at baka mabigyan ka pa ng payb peysos na tip.

        Analyzin mo mukha mo!

        Like

  1. haha! kudos for including those bits re royal wedding. I don’t know what the fuss is about. I mean, those people are also mortals but the media are treating it as if our very life depended on their wedding. nakakasawa nang pagbukas mo ng tv ang makikita mo na lang lagi e yung tungkol sa kasal nila.

    really funny twitter conversations, too. 🙂 Thanks, PH!

    Like

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