UNO


UP’s Best
Math major John Gabriel Pelias of UP Diliman who is graduating summa cum laude this weekend has a general weighted average (GWA) of 1.016. According to close friends, John Gabriel is very studious but not geeky. He comes from a poor family, hates smoking, and doesn’t fool around with girls. Sorry John, you cannot be president.

UP’s valedictorian this year, John Gabriel Pelias has a general weighted average of 1.016. When Erap heard this, he said, “Whaaat?! Weighted average of 1.016?!? Grabe naman! Ano ‘yon? Kilos o pounds?”

John Gabriel’s GWA of 1.016 eclipsed the highest post-war GWA held since 1948 by professor emeritus Emerenciana Yuvienco Arcellana. A friend from college said, had she known there was a record to beat, she would have aimed for it.


Not True
Reacting to rumors that President Aquino is smitten with Singapore-based reporter Sabrina Chua, presidential spokesperson and Bb. Pilipinas 2011 pageant judge Edwin Lacierda insists, “There’s no truth to that!” To which, Sabrina Chua said, “Gee, thanks!”

Extemporaneous
During Monday’s Student Catholic Action of the Philippines national leaders’ conference, President Aquino talked extemporaneously after ditching a prepared speech saying, “I did not like the speech prepared for me.” Asked why, he replied, “the speech sucks.”

Missing Ecleo
Graft convict, murder suspect, and Dinagat, Surigao del Norte Rep. Ruben Ecleo has reportedly gone into hiding. You know what that means? A year from now, another lawmaker will be demonstrating his cooking skills on TV!

Jobs Fair
The Labor Department is organizing a jobs fair on May 1, Labor Day. This is a piece of good news for working students, fresh graduates, and deputy ombudsmen.

NDF and Facebook
The National Democratic Front says the local Communist movement is using Facebook as a tool to promote their revolution. In fact, in the NDF’s Like Page, the farmers in Farmville are all members of the Kilusang Magbubukid ng Pilipinas.

Bb. Pilipinas 2011
Presidential spokesman Edwin Lacierda was one of the judges in the recently concluded Bb. Pilipinas 2011 pageant. During the Q&A portion, he said, “You ladies are making life difficult for the judges.” And one candidate was like, “Ah, forget it! We’re nothing compared to your government who is making life difficult for all of us.”
————————————————–
“Pure mathematics is the world’s best game. It is more absorbing than chess, more of a gamble than poker, and lasts longer than Monopoly. It’s free. It can be played anywhere – Archimedes did it in a bathtub.”
~~Richard J. Trudeau

Elsewhere…
Philippine Daily Inquirer: ‘Flat uno’

GMA News: Social media’s role in Willie’s downfall

Share this on Facebook and Twitter: Add to FaceBookAdd to Twitter
Experience me on Twitter. Don’t worry. I don’t post spoilers and factually erroneous tweets. I only tweet insanity. Follow me at your own risk.

Author: professionalheckler

See About the Heckler

48 thoughts on “UNO”

  1. ‘Smitten’

    In the interests if openness and transparency, Binay for World Domination Enterprises has released the following

    ‘The sabrina texts’

    P-noy – would you come to the palace for tea and a muffin

    Sab c – what would we discuss. P.s. I do not muffin anyone.

    P-noy – life, love, shooting and cars

    Sab c – my colleague christine ong in manila can do that

    P-noy – i know but you wear shorter skirts

    Sab c – i am a professional

    P-noy – ok.i will pay you. Extra if my ratings go up and people stop calling me gay.

    Sab c – try ‘ dirty old men ktv’ next to the senate

    P-noy – enrile has revoked my membership.
    I will drive you in my porsche

    Sab c – have you repaired it yet after your last date

    P- noy – it was just a misunderstanding between me and the road. My date will be out of hospital soon

    Sab c – thank you, but no.

    P-noy – please. Even my best boyfriend puno is not replying to my texts and i dont know where he is

    Sab c – ?@^~ !! ;^//

    P-noy – is that a no

    The remaining 20 texts from p-noy are unfit for publication. Sab c did not reply to any

    P-noy will try his luck on his visit to china. Reporters beware.

    A chinese concubine could improve international relations according to ricky inthedung.

    Important Note from press office for strategic planning, media control, restaurant guide and free trips.

    Ricky caradang is in future to be called the honourable ramon. Asked if this was elitist. He replied “moi pretentious, and only speak to me when you are spoken to.”

    Like

  2. If malacanang says p-noy not smitten, does that mean
    A – they are lying as usual
    B – she said no
    C – puno does not approve
    D – it was a ploy to divert from the poverty figures
    E – they have nothing better to do with their time
    F – it was a warning to the malacanang press corps. Say anything bad and p-noy will take you for a ride in his porsche

    Like

  3. Mr. PH, are you sure the average is highest so far? I thought it’s still Exequiel Sevilla Sr. who I had the good fortune to have met at work in my youth mid-70s to mid-80s. He was senior citizen na that time, an actuary, very jolly, very rich but very humble. Math major din and one of founding fathers of the Actuarial Society of the Philippines. At any rate, hanga ako rito kay John Gabriel Pelias…grabe!!! Being a B.S. Math graduate of U.P. during the first quarter storm, wala akong match kay John Gabriel. Match lang kami sa pagiging poor as a student in U.P..

    Like

  4. Correction, hindi pala math major (baka wala pang B.S. Math that time) but Mr. Sevilla was an actuary. Binibiro nga siya na all that the professors had to do in writing down his grades in the form was to use a ruler and draw a straight line with a pen, kasi straight 1’s palagi ang grades in all subjects.

    Like

  5. Katotohanan bakit naghiwalay si PNoy at Len:
    Inimbita ni Len si PNoy na sumama sa surprise party sa Shangrila, pormal sabi ni Len. Nagbarong pa si PNoy yung suot niya sa pagsumpa sa presidente. Pagdating sa party dahil presidente kinausap, siya ang unang sasalubong sa may BDay sa madilim na bulwagan. Sayang saya si PNoy. Pagbukas ng ilaw bumulaga sa harapan niya si GMA. Surprise pala ng best friend ni Len, si Luli sa mom nya.

    Like

  6. WOW! ibig sabihin, that guy got 1.25 grade only in 3 subjects out of 48 (if 6 subjects per semester ang load na hindi kasama ang P.E. which is not credited) while the rest are flat ones….

    susmaryosep. nahirapan nga ako sa math 1 pa lang. conditional failure pa ata yung grade ko. bilib ako sa mamang eto!

    Like

  7. 3 pruweba mabait si PNoy:
    Nung maghiwalay si Liz Uy at PNoy tinanong si Liz ng 3 best friend niya. Kris Aquino, Ann Curtis at Vice Ganda:
    Kris: ano nagustuhan mo sa kuya ko
    Liz: mabait siya!
    Ann: tsika, binata si PNoy, marami atik, mamahalin sigurado regalo sayo. Ano ano ba?
    Liz: mabait siya!
    Vice: tayong dalawa lang, secret, laki ba, d ba bading pareho ko, alam mo naaaa
    Liz: mabait siya!

    Like

  8. cpp-npa-ndf’s slogan during inception:
    “tagapagtanggol ng naapi”

    cpp-npa-ndf’s slogan one year after inception:
    “tagapagtanggol ng nang-aapi”

    nalulugi na siguro negosyo ninyo noh? paano kasi ang luho ng inyong ceo. sa netherlands ba naman napagtripang tumira. diba mahal mga bilihin at serbisyo doon? pati mga raliyesta ninyo dito sa flippinas nahawa narin sa pagiging maluho ng ceo ninyo. ayaw ng pumunta sa rally kung hindi nike ang sapatos, levis ang pantalon, gap ang t-shirt, jansport ang bag at oakley ang sunglass. at dapat ang lunch galing kfc or mcdo. tapos magdedemand pa na krispy kreme with matching gatorade for snacks. at karamihan din sa mga kilala ko na namumuno sa rally noon, sa amerika na nakatira ngayon. at mga americunt citizen na!

    Like

  9. If you’re unmarried at 50 and you got everything , chances are you have a loose screw up your coconut…..By the way I saw a white Porsche in SCTEX Manila- bound two Sundays ago at 11:00 PM cruising at 130 – 140 Kph (the limit is 100 kph btw) followed by a Range Rover and about a dozen black Nissan Patrols with an ambulance bringing up the rear of the convoy……

    Like

    1. Apparently I’ve been also hearing this issue that there have been sightings (numerous times) of that white Porsche cruising in SCTEX at 130-140 kph. A friend of mine even said that one time they saw that scene at 3AM. And with those luxury cars up that beast’s rear end you wouldn’t be mistaking it for anybody else but who else? PNoy.

      Like

      1. etchosera, disagree tayo …

        pasingit, sure na sure na kasama natin si etchosera sa panawagan
        natin kay eddi hahjaha alam ko na sagot ni etchosera…

        jaena ku senior, do not put words into my mouth, or something like
        that, kabayo ni andat..

        pero seriously, uuyyy eddi tantanan mo muna kakahukay ng langis,
        mag internet ka na..

        Like

  10. John Gabriel’s achievement is laudable, however, ” the real measure of intelligence is action”. Let us wait ten or twenty years down the road what meaningful contributions to our country and people would be attributed to him? Thats the irony of extreme success, too much expectations! Congrats and Good Luck, JGP!

    Like

  11. http://www.abs-cbnnews.com/nation/04/14/11/pnoy-receive-honorary-degree

    MANILA, Philippines – The University of the Philippines Diliman (UPD) is set to confer an honorary Doctor of Laws degree upon President Benigno Aquino III during the university’s commencement exercises on Sunday.

    The honorary doctorate will be given to Aquino, “For providing leadership in rallying the people to stamp out corruption, campaigning for institutional reforms, and creating an environment for agencies, including the Armed Forces of the Philippines, to act with dispatch on malfeasance in government, promote the rule of law, and respect people’s constitutional rights,” an article in the Diliman UP Date Online said. (http://www.upd.edu.ph/~updinfo/index201.html)

    Like

  12. naks naman si Johnny Lin naman…give the boy his due…we should give it to him, after all he worked hard for the glory he is attaining now….the 20 years can wait…diskarte lang sa buhay yan….besides according to John Gabriel he does not intend to go elsewhere but stay in UP to teach…so what is nobler than this act? selfless pa ang John Gabriel Pelias! Congratulations to you by the way JG!!!

    Like

Say something...

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s