THE MOST

FIRST, some strange news from all over the globe:
In Venezuela, socialist President Hugo Chavez said capitalism may be to blame for the lack of life on planet Mars.
In the US, a condom machine was stolen from a Washington state sports bar.
And in the Philippines, Jejomar Binay is now the most trusted national government official.

Ulat sa Bayan
From 78 percent in October, Vice President Jejomar Binay’s approval rating climbed to 83 percent in February. Thrilled, Binay thanked his supporters, his family, and the convicted Filipino drug mules in China.

According to the latest Pulse Asia survey, Vice President Jejomar Binay is the most trusted government official. He got an impressive trust rating of 81 percent! In fact, that figure was even higher than the trust rating he got from his own wife.

In the latest Pulse Asia survey, Vice President Jejomar Binay obtained a disapproval rating of only 3 percent. You know who the 3 percent are? Mar Roxas, the Liberal Party, and Korina Sanchez.

Pulse Asia’s “Ulat sa Bayan” revealed that Vice President Jejomar Binay has overtaken President Aquino in performance and trust ratings. If it’s any consolation, Binay has yet to overtake the President in a car race.


Contemptible Ligots
Lieutenant General Jacinto Ligot is now under Senate custody. He is detained inside a small cell measuring three-by-four-square meters. The cell has a bed, an air conditioning system, and a comfort room. Unfazed, General Ligot described the place as cozy. Mrs. Ligot wants to buy the unit.

Snubbing Thursday’s Senate probe, Mrs. Erlinda Yambao-Ligot claimed she had gastroenteritis. In layman’s term, that’s shit.

Dissatisfied
In the latest Social Weather Stations study, Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez obtained a net satisfaction rating of negative 9 percent. In the hope of getting a higher score in the next survey, Gutierrez is planning to go to China and appeal the conviction of Filipino drug mules.

Congratulations!
It’s March! For students in the senior year, it’s the time of the year when hard work is rewarded. We call it graduation! Or as businessman Manny V. Pangilinan would say, “Don’t remind me!”


Ateneo and Aquino
President Aquino was the keynote speaker at Ateneo De Manila University’s 152nd commencement exercises Friday. He began his speech with a disclaimer, “No portion of this commencement address was borrowed from J.K. Rowling, Oprah, Conan O’Brien, and Barack Obama.”

President Aquino devoted the first half of his speech acknowledging his former Ateneo professors out of gratitude… and the other half criticizing the former administration out of force of habit.


March 25th
On this day in…

1857: Frederick Laggenheim took the first photo of a solar eclipse. A day later, he appeared on TV Patrol and cried because PTV Channel 4 accused him of faking the eclipse photo.

1882: Pancake making is first demonstrated… by Nora Daza.

1951: Edward Mills Purcell and H.I. Ewen at the Harvard physics lab detected 21-cm radiation in outer space. When the news came out, the president of the Polytechnic University of the Philippines barred PUP students from going to outer space.

1991: Madonna and Michael Jackson arrived together at the Annual Academy Awards. It marked the first time that the sexy, soft-spoken, white, American pop icon was escorted to the Oscars by Madonna.

1992: Cosmonaut Sergei Krikalev returns to Earth after a 10-month stay aboard the Mir space station. It was supposed to be a 12-month stay but he got really bored when his broadband kit ran out of load and he couldn’t access Facebook and Twitter.

1994: United States troops completed their withdrawal from Somalia. They hurriedly left to look for another country to invade.
————————–
“The man with the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, “How is the president?””
~Will Rogers

Elsewhere
From the Philippine Daily Inquirer (March 22, 2011):
Hush-hush mishap
Here’s news that failed to make it to TV. Top Politician purportedly went on a joy ride with Fellow Politico, who moonlights as a media personality. TP wanted to show off his new toy, a sleek imported car.
While cruising on a deserted road, the vehicle turned turtle. TP and FP emerged from the mishap unscathed, except for bruised egos. Thus, the news blackout.

– Hmmm, parang kilala ko sila. Kayo? Kilala n’yo?

You Have Spoken
Naniniwala ba kayong “pork barrel” ang dahilan ng pagboto ng ilang kongresista pabor sa pag-impeach kay Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez?
– Oo naman! Pera-pera ang iba sa mga ‘yan! 60.55%
– Hindi rin. Nasa katwiran naman eh. 31.65%
– Ewan 7.8%

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Author: professionalheckler

See About the Heckler

43 thoughts on “THE MOST”

  1. Pa-humble; playing-safe effect si VIP Binay when asked of his reaction to that top survey rating… ” ako po ay bahagi laang ng team ni Presidente; what i am doing is in compliance with the President’s instructions!” yeheey! good soldier! By the way, how’s the President?

    Like

  2. ” it is said that power corrupts, but actually power attracts the corruptible and contemptible, and they inevitably corrupt power.
    Those with intellect and creativity are usually attracted by other things than power, and driven to achieve in more meaningful ways”

    Adapted quote. Source unknown

    Like

  3. Dear mata hari
    I am having nice holiday.
    Everything is free – just like being a comptroller again. Free food, free health care and a nice butler to serve me when i want.
    Dont worry about me, just make sure our bank accounts and other houses stay hidden. Once this circus is over we can go back to living in luxury.
    Keep on flirting with estrada. He is as bad and weak as his father and i see the way he looks at you. Well done. You should have been an actress.
    Keep pretending to take the medication. Senators are so gullible.
    Must go. The butler is about to serve lunch.
    Piglet
    Ps could you send in some bank statements for me to read. I love to see how much money we have.

    Like

    1. abangan ang susunod na kabanata… sa senado! ladies and gentlemen… let us acknowledge the presence, long overdue, … the missing link… and now, the gifted david cofferfield of the Philippine senate… dyanjararaan!… Senator Panfilo Lacson…!… fanfare up and under for… drum rolllll…..!

      Like

  4. Ayyyy! Parang kilala ko nga yung dalawang politico na yun ah!

    Jaena Kuh…… ano naman kaya ang pinanggagagawa nung dalawa sa loob ng caru? Di kaya nagpapagulong gulong yung dalawa at nainggit yung isplukerang caru kaya may-i-gulong gulong din ang drama nya?

    Hmmmm…. interesting!
    Sana ma-interview ulit ni PH yung chikadorang caru! I can’t wait!

    Chuk chak chenes bembelembembang!

    Like

  5. whatever, kahit boy and girl ang dalawa, hindi sila dapat
    magka bruised egos, dapat tawag sila ng media at ipanga-
    landakan na kahit the sleek imported car turned turtle,
    yet, they were unscathed…o di ba, parang eksena lang sa
    pelikula…

    pero believe din ako sa source mo mister heckler, sa lagay
    na yan may news blackout pa ha…

    Like

  6. Ligot achieves level 4 (ex 5) on the marcos index of corruption for
    Repeated and systemic theft of public funds.
    Lying on oath
    Tax evasion
    No remorse.

    Level 5 additionally involves human rights abuse, kidnap, murder.

    The index doesnt really exist, i just made it up, but maybe it should.
    we will see in time where arroyo sits.

    Like

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