MESSAGES


HAPPY BIRTHDAY PRESIDENT Benigno Simeon “Noynoy’ Aquino III. This has been a hectic day for the President. He’s been busy answering questions like, “Kailan ka mag-aasawa?” and “Ano pong masasabi n’yo sa pagkamatay ni Secretary Reyes?”

On his 51st birthday, President Aquino went to the Land Transportation Office to renew his driver’s license. Talk about priorities.

Top 10 Birthday Messages Left on President Aquino’s Answering Machine

No. 10: “Hi Noy! Krissy here. Gosh! You’re 51 na!. In fairness huh, you don’t look your age. Para ka lang 50. Aha-ha-ha. Get back to you later. Taping lang ng ‘The Price Is Right’ – magpa-pilot on my birthday. Aha-ha-ha! Hindi ko kinakaya ang sarili ko Noy! Pati sa answering machine mo, nagpu-promote ako! Aha-ha-ha!”

No. 9: “Hi Noy! Si Shalani ‘to. Ok.Thx.Bye!”

No. 8: “Oist! Ang bagal mo! ‘Asan ka na ba? Paubos na ang pulutan. Bilisan mo. Si Topaquits to. Kanpaiii!”

No. 7: “Mr. President, patawarin mo ako. Hindi ko ginustong agawan ka ng atensyon sa iyong kaarawan. Pero nandito na ‘to eh, wala na akong magagawa. Hindi ko naman puwedeng bawiin. Happy birthday na lang! Si Angie Reyes nga pala ‘to.”

No. 6: “Ni hao ma! ‘Kaw ba ‘yan Plisidinte? Donald Tsang ‘to. Pati birdei, iyo telefono bisi. Ako dalawa ulit tawag iyo, lagi sabi, “Da numbel you dial is test-drybing. Ano ba iyo test dryb: Lexus? Ako naman gusto lang bati iyo. Pero phone mo naka-answeling machine. Hayyy na ko. Eniwei, hapi birdei. Pa-borger ka naman. Gusto ko borger sa McDo. Kasi McDonald Tsang. Ay korni. Ang korni ko. Ba bu na!”

No. 5: “Mahal na pangulo, hulaan mo na lang kung sino ako. Clue: Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang iyong kapalaran. Gabay lamang sila. Meron kang free will, gamitin mo ito. Happy birthday!”

No. 4: “Pards! Rico E. Puno ‘to! ‘Musta na? Naks! Singkwenta’y uno! Parang waist line ko lang! Happy birthday pards! Siguro naman, nalimutan na ng publiko ang mga kasalanan ko ‘no?! Babalik din ako d’yan kapag tuluyan nang natabunan ang isyu ng carjacking. Imagine na lang kung bumalik ako d’yan two weeks ago, wala akong maisasagot! Ano ako hilo? Don’t worry, I have pasalubong! Mahaba. Matigas. Maitim. Pumuputok! Ha ha ha! I know u missed me! Aminin! Sige pards… happy birthday ulit!”

No. 3: “Gosh! Sino ba ‘yong nag-iwan ng Message No. 4? He’s so… basta! He’s so! Hay naku Noy! You and the friends you keep talaga! Anyway, si Krissy ulit ‘to! Umiiyak na naman si Bimby, ano baaaa!? Naloka talaga ako nang lumapit kanina ang bagets. Nagsusumbong siya! Aha-ha-ha! “Mama, Tito Noy took my PSP. Mama, get it na from him.” Nakakaloka ka! Puwede, pakibalik? Now na!”

No. 2: “Noy! Si Mar ‘to! Wusshuuuu! Tampo ka na ‘no? Akala mo nalimutan ko na ang birthday mo? Puwede ba naman ‘yon? Kahit laging si Chiz ang kasama mo sa iyong Porsche, ‘di kita pwedeng balewalain! Sayang ang endorsement sa 2016 noh! Jooooke! O siya, enjoy your day. Try to get some ok? Joooke! Seriously pare, you need a girlfriend. Gumaya ka sa akin, almost perfect ang buhay. Happy sa wife, panalo ang sex life. Joooke!”

And the No. 1 birthday message left on President Aquino’s answering machine…

“Hellow? Noyci? Oh shorry. What I mean ish, Noynoy pala. I’m shure, ‘di mo inaashahan ang tawag na ito. And i’m alsho shure ayaw mong mag-greet ako. ‘Wag ka nang chooshy okay? In the firsssht pleysh, wala kang choish. Alam ko ang lahat ng numbersh sha palashyo. We’re not enemish naman ‘di ba? Nabashura na ang Truth Commisshion. So letsh move on, can’t we? Yesh, we can! Happy fifty-firssht birthday. ‘Wag mo nang ipagkalat na tumawag ako okay? Baka ma-chishmish pa tayo. Shecret na lang. Sssssh.”

Ka Joma’s Day, Too!
Today is also the 72nd birthday of CPP-NPA founder Jose Maria Sison. To mark the Communist leader’s birthday in the Philippines, the New People’s Army blew up a cake.


Reyes, 65
The news spread like wildfire on the Internet: former Defense Secretary Angelo Reyes is dead. But nobody believed the news item when it first came out… mainly because it was reported by Arlyn De La Cruz.

Angelo T. Reyes is dead. The AFP is shocked. They lost a former leader. DENR, DOE and DND employees are grieving. They lost a former boss. Oil firms are in mourning. They lost a former spokesman.

Quoting sources, the Philippine Daily Inquirer reported that Secretary Angelo Reyes’ last word was “Sorry.” If that’s a clue, we know whom to blame for his death, ‘noh?

Former Defense Secretary Angelo Reyes committed suicide. He shot himself while visiting his mother’s grave at the Loyola Memorial Park in Marikina City. A similar incident actually took place in 2005 when banker Ted Borlongan (who was then facing court cases) committed suicide near his mother’s & brother’s grave also at the Loyola Memorial Park. If you’re asking if ex-Major General Carlos F. Garcia and Lt. Col. Jacinto Ligot have relatives in the same cemetery, that I don’t know.

According to reports, former AFP Chief of Staff Angelo Reyes died from a self-inflicted wound to the chest. When Reyes’ boss, former president Joseph Estrada heard this, he said, “Sana mahuli agad ang suspek.”

Beware!
Paraphrasing a tweet from a follower:
Bus bombing sa birthday ni Tita Cory.
Suicide ni Secretary Angelo Reyes sa birthday ni President Noynoy.
Sa February 14, birthday ni Kris Aquino.
Hail Mary full of grace… | Repent! Repent!

Living Ligot
According to official records, Erlinda Yambao-Ligot, wife of former military comptroller Lt. Gen. Jacinto Ligot owns eight houses in the United States. Quizzed about the properties, Ligot told the Senate he wasn’t aware of it. In fact, it was only during yesterday’s hearing that Ligot found out he had a wife.

Official records also showed Lieutenant General Ligot’s wife traveled at least 42 times to the US, Singapore, and Hong Kong from 1993 to 2004. Again, Ligot denied any knowledge of his wife’s travels. Why would he care nga naman? It wasn’t his money she was spending. Sa taumbayan ‘yon!

This just in:
Mrs. Erlinda Ligot is reportedly visiting the wake of former AFP Chief of Staff Angelo Reyes. Asked about the schedule of her visit, Lt. General Ligot says he’s not aware of her plans.

Oil Price Hike
Reports say the unrest in Egypt could actually lead to an increase in gas prices… or as Shell, Petron, and Chevron would call it, “big payday.”
——————————-
“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.”
~Norman Cousins

Ouch!
“Para akong nabunutan ng tinik.” – stylist Liz Uy sa pagtatapos ng isyung nag-uugnay sa kanila ni Pangulong Aquino. Liz shares the same birth date with him. Happy birthday!

Survey Says
Sa inyong palagay, makatarungan ba ang pagkakabasura ng Court of Appeals sa murder charges laban kay Senador Lacson?
– OO. Free him! 16.28%
– HINDI! It’s unfair. 72.87%
– Hindi ko alam ang issue. 10.85%

Elsewhere
Newsbreak: Angelo Reyes: “Wala na ‘to pare…”

Direk Joey Reyes on the Ligots: Discreet art of lying

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Take care everyone! #teamlakers #beattheheat

Author: professionalheckler

See About the Heckler

97 thoughts on “MESSAGES”

  1. beware….on krissy birthday….noynoy lost his virginity…kriss will announce it nationwide live broadcast….di lang alam kung sa lalaki o babae.

    aliw ako sa phone call 4….grabe…matigas, maitim, pumuputok, mahaba, malaki carry kaya ni pnoy ito….lucky birthday boy.

    Like

    1. reprint of journalist lunch meeting with new congressman – zambaonga times

      “the newly elected congressman said there were actually a number of “political point men” who approached him to act in his behalf and have his PDAF released on time or together with those of the pro-administration congressmen. But what angered him is the demand for a 30% commission. He was told that a big part of the commission will allegedly go to a very close relative of President Benigno C. Aquino III or our popular P-Noy.

      In the congressman’s computation, with the 30% demand as “facilitation fee” his projects will be left with about 40% or less of whatever amount will be released. He said if he gets 15% for his own savings or SOP, 45% will immediately be gone. And you have to set aside another 10% as earning or profit for the contractor or supplier and another 5% for DPWH officials. “All these amount to 60% of the entire PDAF and a particular project will be left with only 40% of the budget.”

      no wonder a certain close relative and we all know who, supplied p-noy with a lexus.

      amd many old stagers take more than 15 percent for themselves.
      anything from 30 – 50 percent.

      Like

    2. By increasing pork barrel to a staggering 68 BILLION that should pay the aquino family between 5 – 10 BILLION pesos a year non taxable.
      No wonder p- noy is so keen to replace the pro arroyo head of CoA.
      Let heidi mendoza audit pork barrel.
      All p-noys and abads fine words were just that. Not even public accountability and definitely no FoI act.
      A leopard doesnt change its spots.
      How do you think the cojuangcos and aquinos made their money in the first place.

      Like

      1. Take note: the House is now considering formal inquiry this time on Malacanang’s receipts and expenditures, nay, arithmetic of facts and figures drawn during the past six months of the Pnoy administration. Public accounting better done this early? And then what? Vamos a ver!

        Like

      2. There’s a history coffee table book I bought from the Alcantara’s art gallery in New York Cubao in the mid-1980s. I can’t locate it now…but it was mentioned there the source of the Cojuangcos’ wealth….dating back to Spanish time
        Hindi maganda ang pinanggalingan…. medyo nagulat nga ako kasi hindi maganda ang istorya, hindi sariling sikap o sariling pawis daw.

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  2. imagine gen. reyes’ family going through this tragic event. imagine his children believing their father did no wrong. imagine these children believing sen. trillanes and sen. estrada caused their father to take his life. imagine these children proclaiming that they are willing to give their father’s estate of 50M as reward to whoever can expeditiously facilitate the two senators’ joining their father…imagine.

    Like

  3. Idol PH, ibang klase talaga itong si Zenaida Seva. Kahit bday ni PNoy, nandyan pa rin. Hahaha.
    I would have preferred na sina Ligot at Garcia na lang ang nagpakamatay. I get so incensed whenever I see them on TV.
    Bandila reported yesterday that Reyes and GMA actually talked late Monday. What did they talk about kaya? It should be probed, since it seems na yun ang naging last straw for Reyes in killing himself.
    May he rest in peace.
    P.S: I agree with user Paul. Walang karapatang maglinis sa isyu ng korapsyon si Jinggoy – lalo na ang kanyang ama.

    Like

    1. FYI…Memory Lane lang. A friend forwarded this link to me.
      Estrada and Angelo Reyes:Forgive and forget – INQUIRER.net, Philippine News for Filipinos: http://bit.ly/eQkQQA via @addthis I think I read in the news at that time that when Gen. Reyes withdrew his support from Pres. Erap, he requested that Erap not be handcuffed. And I remember that I saw on tv that Gen. Reyes was teary eyed at the barge. Malungkot talaga siya for what happened to Erap

      Like

  4. Beware!
    Paraphrasing a tweet from a follower:
    Bus bombing sa birthday ni Tita Cory.
    Suicide ni Secretary Angelo Reyes sa birthday ni President Noynoy.
    Sa February 14, birthday ni Kris Aquino.
    Hail Mary full of grace… | Repent! Repent!
    *******************************************
    Yes, it’s something to pray for in the present time. But really, we need to pray ardently everyday for our nation…what with PGMA, P-Noy, AFP, COA, GOCCs, etc. in our midst.

    Like

      1. I really included P-Noy. Being honest is not the only trait of a good leader of a country. P-Noy’s performance in the first 7 months is quite lackluster, very laid-back, parang naglalaro lang at nasa OJT mode pa. He should also be on top of things esp. with a number of his appointees who are in cahoots with the resident COA auditors…they are no better than those in the past regime. Dapat nga ang unahing i-lifestyle check ngayon, ang mga taga COA.

        Like

      1. promdi

        alam mo bang malapit na akong magtampo kay mister heckler?
        papaano kasi, ang habahaba ng sagot ko kanina para dito sa
        post mo pagkatapos hindi nya na print ba tawag, bakit kaya?
        very wholesome naman mga nalitanya ko…

        isa pang na censor ay ang sinabi ko kay etchos, very maikli lang,
        sabi ko, etchos pag mag tumbling ka huwag kang mag blouse
        and skirt at baka makita typan mo…

        Like

  5. events recently have made me think of the c word in conjunction with the philippines.
    corruption, ( systemic)
    cowardice, ( reyes et al)
    cojuangco, ( the puppet master)
    communication( lack of),
    conscience( lack of)
    control( too much of)
    congress( the root of all ills)
    cabinet ( incompetent idiots)

    Like

  6. Those guys who murdered the Vizconde girls & the men who freed them … the animals who killed little Geraldine Palma & discarded her in a suitcase … Politicians and government officials who feel “entitled” because they can hide behind their “privileges” and instead point fingers at others – these are the characters I believe our country will be better off without.

    Like

  7. hmmm…i smell conspiracy here…pati mga police ayaw pakialaman ang pagkakamatay ni Gen. Reyes…but the big Q is, who are behind all these? GMA may be one…the old retired big brasses of the Military and Police? hmmmm… and maybe others still active in the AFP/PNP and the government? asan ang baril? asan ang cellphone?

    on the lighter side…hahaha! ever ever talaga ang messages mo mr. ph! wahahaha!!!! sige tawanan nalang natin sila!

    Like

  8. The same thing happened with former President JFK , it was a military spendings that were limited , the generals won’t have financial resources to buy their guns and sell it to the enemy. Here the generals have control of the finances, the presidents does not care , just as long as they leave alone the jueteng collections….

    Like

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