WHEN IT RAINS, IT PORSCHE

Interview With A Car
The Professional Heckler (TPHeckler) meets The President’s Porsche (TPPorsche)


TPHeckler: Hallo! Guten tag!
TPPorshe: Uy, ‘musta?
TPHeckler: Pucha! Nagta-Tagalog ka?
TPPorshe: Oo naman. Fast learner ako ‘noh. One month na ko rito! Nakapag-ikot na nga ako sa Clark eh.
TPHeckler: Astig!
TPPorshe: Bilisan mo lang ang interview ‘tol. Matatapos na ang meeting ng amo ko.
TPHeckler: Ok, ok.
TPPorshe: Shoot!

TPHeckler: Unang-una, ano ba talaga ang pronunciation sa pangalan mo? ‘Di ba Porsh?
TPPorshe: I am from Germany and in my country, Porsche is a family name, and the family members pronounce their surname PORSH-uh, not PORSH! Gets?

TPHeckler: Fine! So ano’ng feeling na presidente ang amo mo?
TPPorshe: Suffocated!
TPHeckler: Pressured ka dahil sikat siya?
TPPorsche: Hindi ‘yon! Suffocated… kasi wala siyang kontrol sa paninigarilyo kahit naka-aircon.
TPHeckler: Ba’t ‘di ka magreklamo?
TPPorsche: Eh kung palitan ako? ‘Wag na uy! May Ambi-Pur naman, puwede na ‘yon.

TPHeckler: Sa palagay mo, bakit ka binili ni Presidente?
TPPorsche: Malay ko! Baka gustong magka-girlfriend. Alam mo na, pampa-pogi.

TPHeckler: May ipinakilala na ba siyang babae sa ‘yo?
TPPorsche: Oo.
TPHeckler: Maganda ba?
TPPorsche: Ewan.
TPHeckler: Anong pangalan?
TPPorsche: Manang.
TPHeckler: Manang?!?
TPPorsche: Oo. ‘Yon ang naririnig ko eh. “Manang, pakibukas ng gate. Manang, corned beef ko. Manang, huwag mong hayaang lumapit ang pusa sa kotse.” Ganun.

TPHeckler: Totoo bang tinatawagan pa rin ng amo mo si Shalani Soledad katulad ng ibinunyag ni Lolit Solis na manager pala ng konsehala?
TPPorsche: Sometimes.
TPHeckler: Weh?
TPPorsche: Totoo!
TPHeckler: Anong sinasabi?
TPPorsche: ‘Miss you babe.’ Mehhh ganun?
TPHeckler: Nanloloko ka naman eh.
TPPorsche: Sus! Hindi ako sinungaling!
TPHeckler: Eh anong reply ni Shalani?
TPPorsche: Miss mo’ng mukha mo!

TPHeckler: Moving on… sabi ni former senator Ernesto Maceda sa Philippine Star column n’ya, 7.5 million pesos ka raw at hindi 4.5 million pesos as claimed by the President. Any reaction?
TPPorsche: Tsismoso talaga ang senadorang ‘yon! Ang tanda-tanda na, tsismoso pa! Eh kung lovelife kaya niya ang ichismis ko, matutuwa siya?!?
TPHeckler: So magkano ka nga?
TPPorsche: I’m sorry, I would like to invoke my right against self-incrimination.

TPHeckler: May tsismis pa nga na regalo ka raw naman talaga ng isang mayamang negosyante. Alam mo na, nagpapalakas daw sa palasyo.
TPPorsche: Das ist mir furzegal! This interview is so over!

TPHeckler: Uy, sorry na! Sorry. Ito na lang ang sagutin mo: Balay Group o Samar Group? Kanino ka kampi?
TPPorsche: Hellerrr! For someone who pretends to read the news regularly, hindi mo alam? Pathetic! Siyempre, Samar. Si Chiz ang unang-unang nag-test drive sa kin ‘no!
TPHeckler: How was he?
TPPorsche: Hay naku! Isa pang chain smoker! Nahilo ako sa usok.

TPHeckler: Sabi ng mga leftist solons, wrong timing daw ang pagbili sa ‘yo ng presidente. Marami daw kasi ang nagugutom na Pilipino ngayon.
TPPorsche: Fault ko?!? Fault ko na third world country kayo? ‘Tsaka, anong kunek ko sa pagkain? Food ba ako? I am a sports car! Hindi ako NFA rice! Masyado nilang pinapalaki ang isyu!

TPHeckler: Sa palagay mo ba makakatulong ka para makabingwit ng girlfriend ang amo mo?
TPPorsche: Alam mo, hindi naman ako pakialamerong kotse eh. Ayaw kong pangunahan ang babaeng liligawan niya. Ayaw kong pangunahan ang Presidente. At higit sa lahat, ang pinaka-importante: ayaw kong pangunahan si Kris Aquino. Mahirap kaaway ‘yon.

TPHeckler: Do you have any message to anyone?
TPPorsche: Yup, thanks. On behalf of the Noy-Bi team, I’d like to congratulate newly-appointed Comelec chairman Atty. Sixto Brillantes. We have something in common sir: kung gaano kaputi ang katawan ko, ganun din kaputi ang buhok n’yo! More power!

TPHeckler: Uy! Malapit na raw bumalik sa sirkulasyon si former senator Mar Roxas. Anong reaksyon mo?
TPPorsche: Hindi kami close. Like what I’ve said, si Chiz ang nag-test drive sa akin.
TPHeckler: Eh pa’no kung masira ka? Remember: troubleshooter daw si Mar.
TPPorsche: Troubleshooter ng ano?!? Padyak?? Har-har-har. Let me repeat dat: har-har-har. Porsche ako. Hindi kami magka-level.

TPHeckler: Kay Presidente Aquino, any message?
TPPorsche: Kay bossing… ahm, tama ang advice ni Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago. ‘Di mo naman talaga kailangang magka-girlfriend para lumigaya eh. Andito naman ako to keep you company. ‘Tsaka lagi mong tatandaan sir: love knows no gender. Luv u bro!

-End of interview-
—————————————-
“Who’s gonna tell you when,
It’s too late,
Who’s gonna tell you things,
Aren’t so great

You cant go on, thinkin’
Nothings’ wrong, whoa ho…
Who’s gonna drive you home,
tonight?”

~The Cars, “Drive”

[Note: This piece was originally posted last Tuesday.]

Anagrams, anyone?
(Some of these first appeared on this blog a couple of years back.)
1: “President Noy” is an anagram of “Nerdiest pony.”
2: “Madrigal” is an anagram of “A mad girl.”
3: “Madame Loren” is an anagram of “A learned mom” and “D lame moaner.”
4: “Rico E. Puno” is an anagram of “In poor cue.”
5: “Senator Lapid” is an anagram of “A strained pol.”
6: “Bong Revilla” is an anagram of “Lovable grin”
7: “Congressman Mikey” is an anagram of “Screaming monkeys.”
8: “Senator Enrile” is an anagram of “Eternal one sir.”
9: “Revillame” is an anagram of “Lamer evil”
10: “Gloria” is an anagram of “Go! Liar!”

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Personal
Thank you Ms. Fe Zamora and to the Sunday Inquirer Magazine. I have tweeted my dislike for SIM several times last year (saying i missed the old SIM) and i have heckled PDI a number of times in the past; STILL, they featured The Professional Heckler in today’s edition of the magazine supplement of the country’s No. 1 broadsheet. #sipsip Maraming salamat po sa pagpansin. Happiness!

Author: professionalheckler

See About the Heckler

38 thoughts on “WHEN IT RAINS, IT PORSCHE”

  1. and wailing willie is not as funny as me or why would people laugh every time i walk into a room.
    and he cannot sing.
    i have sung in front of millions and got rapturous applause.
    i am funny,rich, powerful, rich, and i have a porsche.
    i must be able to find someone stupid enough or desperate enough to go out with me.
    next i get a svenson hair transplant.
    anything but being president.
    counting the days until kris can take over.
    she can then have all the men she wants at her beck and call.

    Like

  2. p-noy is the peoples champion.
    he personifies being rich but doing nothing.
    isnt this what filipinos want.
    easy life, easy money and no work.
    crime amd corruption is beyyer than working.
    as someone said it is only criminals that live in the philippines.
    it is punishment for past life. a taste of hell on earth.
    i am starting to think he was right.
    everybody wants change but nobody does anything to change.

    and with p-noy going on visit to his masters in china i would only expect things to get worse.
    being a closet gay is one thing but being a closet chinaman is being a traitor.

    Like

  3. TPHeckler: Eh pa’no kung masira ka? Remember: troubleshooter daw si Mar.
    TPPorsche: Troubleshooter ng ano?!? Padyak?? Har-har-har. Let me repeat dat: har-har-har. Porsche ako. Hindi kami magka-level.

    Anak ng pating sa sobrang tuwa, sa kabila ako nagpost ng comment…

    Anyway, bakit kasi sinasali pa sa usapan ang mga talunan…. Tapon na yan sa dagat ng basura….

    Pag Porsche, di ka lang lapitin ng chicks, lapitin ka rin ng CATS….

    Like

  4. TPHeckler: Sabi ng mga leftist solons, wrong timing daw ang pagbili sa ‘yo ng presidente. Marami daw kasi ang nagugutom na Pilipino ngayon.
    TPPorsche: Fault ko?!? Fault ko na third world country kayo? ‘Tsaka, anong kunek ko sa pagkain? Food ba ako? I am a sports car! Hindi ako NFA rice! Masyado nilang pinapalaki ang isyu!

    SOBRANG FUNNY!!! I love this.

    Like

    1. Juicemio! Guilty ka talaga Senior60!!

      Di ba nga, ayaw mong tawagin kitang lolo, nagrequest ka rin na wag kitang tatawaging ulyanin?

      Eh pakibasa nga ulit ng comment ko….. sige nga, check mo…sinabi ko bang ikaw ang ang aking tinutukoy na lolong ulyanin?

      Bakit, ikaw lang ba ang lolong ulyanin sa Pinas?

      Hmmmmp!

      Like

      1. Naku Senior60, di naman lagi ako sa office ko, nag-iikot din naman po ako sa Planta paminsan-minsan.

        tsaka, now that you’ve said it….

        bakit nga ba ni minsan eh di pa ako nakakita ng kidlat dito sa kaharian?

        di kaya ipinagbabawal din yun ng hari kaya walang makapasok na kidlat dito?

        Ahihihihi!

        Like

    1. So how is he different from GMA who said that it’s not the people’s money that was spent on that lavish le cirque dinner but a “blow-out” from a certain congressman? Is it morally right for a public servant to zip around town in his le porsche while the masses, his “bosses” in his own word, go hungry?… The more that these politicians claim to bring about change, the more that they remain the same. Nagpalit lang ng leader, anyo, at gender…though hindi ako sure dun sa huli.

      Like

  5. ahah…hah..hah…! siguro grabe na panic ni PNoy sa spate ng carjacking…just after a week of his revelation na meron syang porsche-huh tumira naman tong mga linchak na carjackers! Sayang I didn’t get to read the SIM issue na finiture ka Mr. PH…i don’t read the papers anymore…no more time..i’ll read you anytime, however… 😀

    Like

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