BAGO IBAHAGI ng mga bituin ang kanilang mga hula, nais munang magpasalamat ni Professional Heckler sa kanyang natanggap na nominasyon sa 2010 Philippine Blog Awards. He is not expecting a win but he’s hoping that the jury would give him the award. Parang awa n’yo na po. Pasko naman. [At nagmakaawa daw talaga. How pathetic!]
This just in! Oh, I got a second nomination. My post: EXCLUSIVE: GMA Breaks Her Silence is one of the finalists in the category: Top Three Posts for 2010. To borrow Maria Venus Raj’s oft-used phrase, “Sobra-sobrang amazing ng feeling.” Thank you Philippine Blog Awards!
MATAGAL RING NAMAHINGA ANG MGA BITUIN.
Kaya naman inspirado silang magbigay ng mga babala, hula, at saloobin. Maging ang galaw ng mga planeta ay madali ring basahin.
Ngunit katulad ng laging paalala ni Ms. Zenaida ‘Syzygy’ Seva:
“Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang ating kapalaran. Gabay lamang sila. Meron tayong free will, gamitin natin ito.”
Ngayon, subukan mong isaulo o memoryahin ang linyang ‘yan at bigkasin nang malakas, a la-Zeny Seva. Ready? 1, 2, 3…
“Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang ating kapalaran. Gabay lamang sila. Meron tayong free will, gamitin natin ito.”
Perfect!
Ngayon, narito na ang kapalaran ng ilang kilalang tao sa bansa… Ayon sa mga Bituin:
President Noynoy Aquino
Birth: February 8, 1960
Sign: Aquarius
Simulan natin ang pagbasa sa iyong kapalaran with your lucky color – walang iba kundi phlegm green. [Tigilan na kasi ang paninigarilyo!] Ang iyong lucky number ay 6/55. Sa aspeto ng pag-ibig, magpapatuloy ang paglabas mo kasama ang iba’t ibang babae. [Ang pogi mo kasi! Kainis!] Para kang kalendaryo, maraming date. [Syet, ang korni!] Pero wala sa kanila ang babaeng mamahalin mo nang tuluyan. Ang payo ng mga bituin: huwag madaliin ang pag-ibig at ‘wag pilitin ang puso. Kung ‘di ukol, hindi bubukol. Kapag ‘di bumukol, well… huwag nang magtaka: malapit ka nang mag-51!
Former President Joseph Estrada
Birth: April 19, 1937
Sign: Aries
Hindi ito ang tamang panahon upang ibenta ang iyong mansion sa No. 1 Polk Street, Greenhills, San Juan City. Kung nalalakihan ka rito, pagsama-samahin ang iyong mga pamilya upang ma-maximize ang espasyo. ‘Di ba, ikaw na rin ang nagsabi? The more, the manyer. Tigilan ang pautot na naghihirap ka na. Hindi ka convincing na aktor. Besides, wala na ring credibility ang FAMAS. Huwag ka nang umasa ng nomination. Lucky number: Kung ilan ang babaeng naanakan mo Lucky color: Chartreuse [Ay teka, baka ‘di mo ma-spell. Red na lang.]
Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim
Birth: Dec. 21, 1929
Sign: Sagitarrius
Gawing doble ang pag-iingat. Anumang araw mula ngayon, habang naglalakad sa Maynila, isang rumaragasang ‘kuliglig’ ang sasalubong sa ‘yo. Ngunit isang pulis-Maynila ang haharang sa kuliglig upang iligtas ka sa tiyak na kapamahakan. Magpapatawag ka ng press con, at sa ikalawang pagkakataon, bibigkasin mo ang mga linyang ito: “Pulis lang! Pulis lang ang magpapakamatay! [sabay suntok sa mesa] Remember that, pulis lang!” After ng press con, bigla na lang mawawala ang driver ng kuliglig. Siya ay huling makikita sa may bahaging Tondo.
Asst. Sec. Carmen ‘Mai’ Mislang
Birth: Malihim siya.
Sign: Hindi kami close.
Hindi mabasa ng mga bituin ang iyong kapalaran. Masyado kang tahimik these days. Pero may good news ang mga planetang gumagabay sa araw-araw mong galaw: napatawad ka na ng sambayanan. Puwede ka na ulit maging active sa Twitter. #solitudesucks #maramingpogidun #itanongmopakay @rickycarandang
Sen. Panfilo Lacson
Birth: June 1, 1948
Sign: Gemini
Palitan ang wig na isinusuot kapag lumalabas ng hideout. Masyado nang makapal ang alikabok nito. Magsagawa ng loyalty check sa mga katiwala sa pinagtataguang bahay. Isa sa kanila ang posibleng mag-chuchu sa kinaroroonan mo. Ikaka-imbyerna mo ito. Isang text message ang mare-receive mo anytime this week. Ito ang nilalaman ng mensahe: “Dear Mr. Senator, I sympathize and agree with you. The justice system in this country is insane. By the way, I can offer you temporary sanctuary. Bakante naman ang basement ko ngayon. – Love, Marlene Aguilar”
Claire De La Fuente
President, Integrated Metro Bus Operators Association
Birth: December 28, 1958
Sign: Capricorn
Sayang! Sabay-sabay na ‘di nagpakita ang mga bituin ngayon. Wala kang horoscope! Promise, hindi nila sinadya ‘yon.
Executive Sec. Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa
Birth: November 11, 1960
Sign: Scorpio
A-ha! Kaya naman pala eh. Scorpio ka kasi. ‘Yun lang!
Note: The stars are submitting a fine-tuned reading for Executive Secretary Jojo Ochoa. Apologies for the premature release of the horoscope.
Executive Sec. Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa
Birth: November 11, 1960
Sign: Scorpio
May mga parating na pagbabago sa iyong trabaho. Malapit na. Ramdam mo na ba? Sakali’t ‘di magustuhan, huwag idaan sa paglalasing. Hindi solusyon ang alkohol sa malalasap na kabiguan. Magpakatatag. Malay natin, hindi matuloy. Sa aspeto naman ng pag-ibig, ipagpatuloy ang pagiging tahimik at misteryoso – asset ‘yan sa mga chicks! By the way, kahapon nang umaga sa dzMM, naintriga ang mga planeta sa rebelasyong binitiwan ni Ted Failon. Sabi ni Ted sa co-anchor na si Pinky Webb: “Ang alam ko… crush ka ni Jojo Ochoa!” #patayTAYOjan! [After the Vina Morales and Pops Fernandez incident, hindi ka pa rin ba nadala?] Concerned lang ang mga bituin.
Grand Lotto Winner
Birth: Confidential
Sign: Confidential
Upang matiyak ang iyong kaligtasan, iwasan mo ang sumusunod na mga lugar: palengke (maraming taon do’n); Twitter (maraming pahamak do’n), at simbahan (self-explanatory).
AND FINALLY…
Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz
Birth: November 17, 1934
Sign: Scorpio
Hindi na magpapaliguy-ligoy pa ang mga bituin. Ayaw mo sa RH bill! Ayaw mo sa condom! Ayaw mo sa jueteng! Ayaw mo sa STL! Ayaw mo sa lotto! Ayaw mong manalo ang mga taong tumataya sa lotto! Gusto mong umalis ng bansa ang mga taong nananalo sa lotto, etc. etc. Dahil d’yan malakas ang kutob ng mga bituin na ikaw ay magiging successful publisher soon! Ang dami mo kasing isyu!
IN THE NEWS NOW…
Finding Lacson
The National Bureau of Investigation has failed to locate fugitive senator Panfilo Lacson after two unsuccessful operations in Quezon City last Friday and Tanauan City in Batangas last Saturday. After QC and Batangas, the NBI has yet to announce – the next venue for the Moro-moro.
Ruined?
Reports say President Aquino is blaming the media for ruining his love life. It marked the first time since assuming office that the President has put the blame on someone other than Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.
Bishop vs. Santa
Newly-retired Bishop Teodoro Bacani accuses Santa Claus of stealing the true spirit of Christmas. Santa dismissed the allegation as unfair and accused Bacani of “getting even” after the latter’s name made it again on Santa’s annual “naughty” list.
Wikileaks
Controversial Wikileaks founder Julian Assange is being hunted by authorities for rape and sexual harassment. But a defiant Assange said in a statement he’d rather die than surrender.
Julian Assange is wanted on suspicion of “sex crimes.” Reports say while having consensual sex with a woman in Sweden, his condom broke and did not disclose it to his partner. Now we know why it’s called WikiLeaks.
Sole Survivor
GMA 7’s “Survivor Philippines: Celebrity Showdown” held its finalé last Friday. In case you’re not familiar with the successful reality show, ‘Survivor Philippines’ was produced by Filipinos; shot entirely in Thailand, and was ultimately won by a Brazilian citizen with Japanese descent.
In Sports
The Philippine football team shocked defending champion Vietnam, 2 goals to nil in the ongoing ASEAN Football Federation (AFF) Suzuki Cup tournament. After the loss, Vietnamese national football coach Henrique Calisto criticized the Philippines’ defensive tactics calling it “poor.” He also refused to shake our coach’s hand after the match. Where was Mai Mislang when we needed her most!?
Vietnamese national football coach Henrique Calisto refused to shake hands with Philippine XI coach Simon McMenemy after Vietnam lost to our football team in the ongoing Suzuki Cup in Hanoi. Oo na! Pogi ka na! #calistosucks
—————————————
“The celestial bodies are the cause of all that takes place in the sublunar world.”
~Thomas Aquinas
Elsewhere…
Thank you to the [Philippine Daily] Inquirer Super! Ehem.
25 Blogs you should be reading
Also, loyal LA Lakers fan, journalist TJ Manotoc and 24 others are on the list of the 25 Pinoys you should follow on Twitter.
[Just kidding. TJ is an adherent of the ‘championship ring-less’ LeBron James and the Miami Heat. #asapa! But, yeah, he’s on the list.]
Survey Says
Sa umiinit na namang isyu ng Vizconde massacre, ano ang paniniwala mo:
– Guilty naman talaga ang mga na-convict. 40.25%
– Palayain si Hubert Webb! 17.97%
– Hintayin na lang ang desisyon ng Korte Suprema. 41.77%
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Have a great week! Ingat.
u made my day again. thanks
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hahaha. ayus, the best na naman to idol PH. galing mo talga. tawa ko ng tawa dito sa office, kala nila nababaliw na ko. hehehe. the best talaga si mayor lim, kahit ilang beses ko na nabasa yung ‘pulis lang, pulis lang’ nakakatawa pa rin talga. hehehe. about JoPac, sana naman wag na nya asamin ang DOJ, baka imbes na Dept. of Justice yun maging Drinker on Job. leave Sec. De Lima, she can do great things on the Dept.
http;//twitter.com/rojan88
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i understand why people didn’t like some of my posts recently THAT much. there are issues na hindi talaga pamilyar ang tao. Like this one: “WikiLeaks is a website that gathers information that are not so supposed to be made public, and yet, they release it online so the whole world could read it. The Philippine Daily Inquirer has a term for that: socialite.”
if readers are not on twitter or haven’t been following the mistaken identity issue (lotto winner), they wouldnt get it. but this item was one of my favorites. 🙂
anyway, thanks again.
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PH, i was wondering why you didn’t write anything about dyan’s coverage of the soto vs antillon bout. As a sports buff yourself, i doubt if you were not “familiar with the issue(or event)”. Watching the bout made me wonder if dyan was actually watching the same. It seemed she was doing something else coz all i could hear from her were oohs and aaahs and she did not know what round it was! Nakakapagod na daw sabi pa niya.
The ‘socialite’ thing is one of my favorites too. Si Mr. Bigtime Socialite ay obviously influential among the scribes kasi walang masyadong naisulat sa booboo na ito.
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i didnt watch the bout. but yeah, natawa ako when i heard the donaire news on tv patrol. she was more like a fan, not fight annotator. she should stick to what she does best. and doing boxing analysis is not one of them.
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i’m familiar with the wikileaks and i’ve read about that tim yap booboo, pero dahil mahina IQ ko, di ko na-connect kaya di ko na-gets. it’s really not your fault PH kung maraming ***** na Pnoy na kagaya ko.
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dont say that. marami din akong di napa-follow na balita
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ur always welcome PH, kaw pa idol. hehehe…yup siguro nga kasi di masyadong pangmasa si WikiLeaks eh, compared to Mayor Lim. hehehe. pero the Lotto winners mistataken identity nakakatawa naman sya. hehehe…isa pa pala patok din si Lacscon, may “imbyerna’ thing talaga. hehehe. nagiisa ka talaga PH…yung sa coach ng vietnam pede mo kaya gawan ng one on one sila ni Mislang? hehehe, naiimagine ko na ang kulit ng post na yun, “Mislangin si Calisto”. lol.
thanks din PH, for always making our day so light and funny. :-). keep heckling.
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Ayon sa aking bituin: bright and witty ang hirit mo kaya tuloy pa rin ang pag-shine mo 🙂 keep it comin’
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🙂 thanks.
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xmas rush? lagi midnight post si mr ph.
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hahahahaha! i knew you’d notice. medyo busy lang. lapit na kasi ang xmas break. naghahataw sa mga scripts.
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Kung ‘di ukol, hindi bubukol. [b]Kapag ‘di bumukol, well… huwag nang magtaka: malapit ka nang mag-51![/b]
Una pa lang panalo na 🙂 Kala ko sasabihin mo na he was firing blanks 😀
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mister heckler, ang pag bukol ay walang pinipiling edad,
kaya noynoy, just try and try, habang may buhay….
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May kasabihan nga lolo…and this applies to you as well.
Ang lalake habang tumatanda…lalong dumadagta..
pwede??
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Para kang kalendaryo, maraming date.
[Syet, ang korni!] > BWAHAHAHA!
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natawa ako ke archbishop na madaming isyu. di na ko magtataka kung unti-unting mauubos ang mga nagsisimba, di kasi realistic ang Catholic church.
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PH, ikaw ang only star na papaniwalaan namin kasi iba talaga ang saya dito
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SALAMAT PO. wait, sA7aMahT POw! LoLz!
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hahaha. kakaiba ka talga PH, jejemon ka rin pala. hehehe
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THE PROFESSIONAL HECKLER
Birth: Di kami close. (Magbilang ng lightyears)
Sign: Ayaw magpaautograph
Sabi ng mga Bituin: Bakit ka nagtatnong? Isa ka naman sa amin. STAR ka! Ang galing galing mo kasi.
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Pwede po ba akong tumawa?
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i don’t get it. if the Philippine Football team’s defensive tactic was ‘poor’, bakit hindi sila nakapagscore? what does that say of the adversary? Philippine’s Defensive tactic may be poor but the other coach’s logic (and skill) is poorer…way way below the poverty level.
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to quote Mislang: “their offense s*cks”
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ikaw na! hahah… u had me at
‘Survivor Philippines’ produced by Filipinos; shot in Thailand, and won by a Brazilian citizen with Japanese descent.
MY GAD! hahahah… lavveeeet!
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Idol PH, ang galing nyo talaga! Grabe naman ang coach ng Vietnam. Ang sportsmanship, tinuturo na sa atin as early as elementary. Sa isang contest, it’s either we win or we lose. He should stop whining. ‘Pag natalo ka, accept it and just play better next time. Make no excuses. Oo nga naman, Mai Mislang should have defended us. 🙂
Saka PH, bilib rin ako sa staying power ni Zenaida Seva. Mula “Alas Singko Y Medya” hanggang “Umagang Kaqy Ganda,” nandyan pa rin sya. At panalo ang kanyang immortal closing spiel. 🙂
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hahaha we were just talking about her. in all fairness to her, sya lang ang pinaniwalaan ko. not jojo acuin, not maricel gaskell, not the madam aurings and the madam suzettes. siya lang. pero siyempre, hindi hawak ni zeny seva ang kapalaran ko. meron akong free will. gagamitin ko ito.
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tama, ako rin lagi ko inaabangan yan si Ms. zyzgy sa alas singko y media dati. 🙂
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I’ve been noticing na mababaw lang mga tira ni PH k Pnoy eversince. Past admin p din ang binabanatan. Bkit kya? R u one of his believers? Ur so mysterious, yan ang mga type ng mga girls?
@ Senior60 I don’t need ur reply. Halata ka na….ooops…peace po……
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Intrigera ka ‘Teh!
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I love Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz!
Why? He never fails to amaze me. He would always have the words for everything. Ganyan talaga pag may katandaan na. Pasintabi. Hehehe
PH! keep it up.
Merry Christmas at sabay-sabay tayong manuod ng Lantern Parade sa ating mahal na Unibersidad! 😀
Mabuhay ang mga sikat na sikat ng TAO sa [mula] sa taong 2010 [hanggang 2016]!
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The one on Bishop Bacani was right to the point, That sex maniac is a hypocrite
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tnx ph! my heart is lighter today. more power to you. 🙂
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🙂
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hmm, tamang reply yta ngaun ang mood ni PH.
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hahahaha. napansin talaga. free ako kapag tuesday.
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[Ang pogi mo kasi! Kainis!] Para kang kalendaryo, maraming date. [Syet, ang korni!]
Eto pa lang, ulam na! PANALO!!!
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Ayos ka, PH! Yung linya ni Zenaida Seva talagang tumatak na sa memorya ng marami 😀
reklamo ko lang – masyado mo namang pinasisikat si Ms. Mai Mislang
di kaya obsession na yan? bagay pa naman kayo 😛
pero i must admit, swak na swak ang pagkaka-heckle mo sa kaniya sa issue ng philippine football team win!
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“pero siyempre, hindi hawak ni zeny seva ang kapalaran ko. meron akong free will. gagamitin ko ito.”
– I love you na talaga, PH! Panalo na naman ang hirit na ito! 🙂
Mahal po kaya magpahula kay Zenaida Seva? Hehe. 🙂
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no idea.
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Mr. PH, classmate ko po pala yung gumawa ng thesis about your blog last year. We were under the same adviser (Ms Yvonne Chua of Vera Files) in UP. 🙂
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oh????? somebody did???? what’s her/his name? i am not good at remembering names. sorry.
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Yes, Mr. Heckler. Ms Krishna Meniado po ang name, BA Journalism in UP. October 2009 po natapos ang thesis nya. She studied the popular Philippine blogs, kasama po yung inyo at yung kay Ms Ellen Tordesillas. 🙂
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teka lang @MarkSphere ha!!!…hulaan ko kung magkano bwahahahaha
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Go, Mr. Tomador! Basta ang alam ko, hindi yan P100 lang gaya ni Madam ______ dito sa Ever Commonwealth. 🙂
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ahaha Panalo ang mga bituin.. pero mas panalo ka talaga ser! hehe kaabang abang ng mga posts.
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THANK YOU. 🙂
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PH, thanks for another hilarious post.
Baka pwede mong ma-interview si Erap?
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haha thanks! interview with erap? soon! busy pa siya eh. naghahanap pa rin ng buyer ng mansion.
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PH, pkitanong nga sa mga bituin ni ka zeny kung nasaan na si badoodles. aba ang tagal ng wlng post. hindi na katanggap-tanggap.
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bk pwede ako ung last reply?
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Thanks, PH. Aabangan ko yung interview na yan. Namimiss ko na yung Erap jokes. Hehe!
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8 o’clock na. Di na muna magre-reply si PH sa comments, pustahan?
Makikinig na xa ng SRO.
Sure po aq dyan!!!
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hahaha. mali. busy na po ako n’yan. scripts for tomorrow. 🙂
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Tsk! The stars told me wrong! Cge po, ako na lang ang makikinig 4 u ^_^
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U lied, PH!!! They just read ur txt msg on air!!! hahaha!!! i was right, after all!!! liars go to hell!!! LOL
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hahaha niremind mo kasi. but it was not my intention to lie. 🙂
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haha oh mislang, where thou art? 🙂 nice post
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Hi PH, how can we help you win the blog awards? i visited the sites of you contenders, they are nothing compared to yours( naks!). but seriously.how?
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hmmm, winners will be chosen by a board of jurors. ‘di bale, ‘yong BASAHIN mo pa lang ang blog na ito… sapat na yun para mag-feeling winner na ako. #kesongputi #chizescudero #quesodebola SO THANK YOU. 🙂
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🙂 wow dramatic:) it’s my pleasure to read it.. dito ko din nauha iba kong pinupuntahan na site kapag ayoko na magwork. blocked FB at twitter eh:(
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seriously, pano ba bomoto?
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a jury will decide the winners
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@karen
gamitin mo yung secured access ng FB. https://www.facebook.com, tas everytime mag surf ka ng page, lagyan mo lang ulit ng ‘s’ yung http. 🙂
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the webpage is not available eh:(
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CONGRATULATIONS!!!!
Ano email address mo? invite kita sa isang book launching 🙂
inquiry@kas-events.com
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THANK YOU SO SO MUCH! (i’m starting to sound like venus raj and i haven’t won anything yet. baka malasin.] 🙂 professionalheckler@yahoo.com
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congrats on the nominations, PH!!! u deserve ;em. i really hope u win. yours is the first blog i ever got addicted to. hahaha!!!
*kiss sabay hug*
ayyyyy!!! ano ba yan??!!! nahawa na ‘ko kay etchosera!!! i should stop reading the comments here! LOL
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Ako ang nakikita… ako ang nasisisi!
Ako, ako….. puro na lang ako!
Hmmmmp!
‘niwey, Congrats PH!
Win ka man or lose….. etchosera is here to stay as beautiful as ever! Ayyyyyy! Bakit ako na naman?
Bwahahahahaha!
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@ tomador
sorry hindi ko masagot kung pwede dahil hindi ko naintindihan
ang kasabihan…
and speaking of thesis, a niece is into thesis-making ba tawag
doon, malaki daw kanyang kinikita as a sideline….
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mister heckler, sa mga kalaban mo, ito ang sasabihin ko,
huwag na kayong umasa…
congratulations in advance, walang duda, ikaw na…
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you deserve to be nominated…much more to win!!!
ang tagumpay mo ay tagumpay na rin naming nagbabasa ng iyong blog!!!
para sa amin ikaw ang WINNER!!!!
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kurek!!!!! sana si PH manalo!
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yup congrats on your nomination idol. sure win na yan. as the template of what you always love to say, Professional Heckler is Professional Heckler. hehehe
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Congrats for the nominations! Tiyak naman ikaw ang mananalo!
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Hindi na nwala si Mai Mislang sa blog mo. Paborito?
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Hope you win sir! 🙂
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Good Luck, PH. Sana mananalo ka.
GBU!
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corny nun ibang blogs, binasa ko pa isa isa.
tska yun mga comments nila ang konti.
obvious na pilit un jokes.
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Congrats PH! Pa-burger ka nman dyan. 🙂
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[…] the original post: AYON SA MGA BITUIN (Reload) « The Professional Heckler This entry was posted in Jokes and tagged aking-bituin, fault, kaya-tuloy, kung-maraming, […]
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corny!!!hindi ako natawa!
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