AYON SA MGA BITUIN (Reload)

BAGO IBAHAGI ng mga bituin ang kanilang mga hula, nais munang magpasalamat ni Professional Heckler sa kanyang natanggap na nominasyon sa 2010 Philippine Blog Awards. He is not expecting a win but he’s hoping that the jury would give him the award. Parang awa n’yo na po. Pasko naman. [At nagmakaawa daw talaga. How pathetic!]

This just in! Oh, I got a second nomination. My post: EXCLUSIVE: GMA Breaks Her Silence is one of the finalists in the category: Top Three Posts for 2010. To borrow Maria Venus Raj’s oft-used phrase, “Sobra-sobrang amazing ng feeling.” Thank you Philippine Blog Awards!


MATAGAL RING NAMAHINGA ANG MGA BITUIN.
Kaya naman inspirado silang magbigay ng mga babala, hula, at saloobin. Maging ang galaw ng mga planeta ay madali ring basahin.

Ngunit katulad ng laging paalala ni Ms. Zenaida ‘Syzygy’ Seva:
“Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang ating kapalaran. Gabay lamang sila. Meron tayong free will, gamitin natin ito.”

Ngayon, subukan mong isaulo o memoryahin ang linyang ‘yan at bigkasin nang malakas, a la-Zeny Seva. Ready? 1, 2, 3…

“Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang ating kapalaran. Gabay lamang sila. Meron tayong free will, gamitin natin ito.”

Perfect!

Ngayon, narito na ang kapalaran ng ilang kilalang tao sa bansa… Ayon sa mga Bituin:
President Noynoy Aquino
Birth: February 8, 1960
Sign: Aquarius
Simulan natin ang pagbasa sa iyong kapalaran with your lucky color – walang iba kundi phlegm green. [Tigilan na kasi ang paninigarilyo!] Ang iyong lucky number ay 6/55. Sa aspeto ng pag-ibig, magpapatuloy ang paglabas mo kasama ang iba’t ibang babae. [Ang pogi mo kasi! Kainis!] Para kang kalendaryo, maraming date. [Syet, ang korni!] Pero wala sa kanila ang babaeng mamahalin mo nang tuluyan. Ang payo ng mga bituin: huwag madaliin ang pag-ibig at ‘wag pilitin ang puso. Kung ‘di ukol, hindi bubukol. Kapag ‘di bumukol, well… huwag nang magtaka: malapit ka nang mag-51!

Former President Joseph Estrada
Birth: April 19, 1937
Sign: Aries
Hindi ito ang tamang panahon upang ibenta ang iyong mansion sa No. 1 Polk Street, Greenhills, San Juan City. Kung nalalakihan ka rito, pagsama-samahin ang iyong mga pamilya upang ma-maximize ang espasyo. ‘Di ba, ikaw na rin ang nagsabi? The more, the manyer. Tigilan ang pautot na naghihirap ka na. Hindi ka convincing na aktor. Besides, wala na ring credibility ang FAMAS. Huwag ka nang umasa ng nomination. Lucky number: Kung ilan ang babaeng naanakan mo Lucky color: Chartreuse [Ay teka, baka ‘di mo ma-spell. Red na lang.]

Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim
Birth: Dec. 21, 1929
Sign: Sagitarrius
Gawing doble ang pag-iingat. Anumang araw mula ngayon, habang naglalakad sa Maynila, isang rumaragasang ‘kuliglig’ ang sasalubong sa ‘yo. Ngunit isang pulis-Maynila ang haharang sa kuliglig upang iligtas ka sa tiyak na kapamahakan. Magpapatawag ka ng press con, at sa ikalawang pagkakataon, bibigkasin mo ang mga linyang ito: “Pulis lang! Pulis lang ang magpapakamatay! [sabay suntok sa mesa] Remember that, pulis lang!” After ng press con, bigla na lang mawawala ang driver ng kuliglig. Siya ay huling makikita sa may bahaging Tondo.

Asst. Sec. Carmen ‘Mai’ Mislang
Birth: Malihim siya.
Sign: Hindi kami close.
Hindi mabasa ng mga bituin ang iyong kapalaran. Masyado kang tahimik these days. Pero may good news ang mga planetang gumagabay sa araw-araw mong galaw: napatawad ka na ng sambayanan. Puwede ka na ulit maging active sa Twitter. #solitudesucks #maramingpogidun #itanongmopakay @rickycarandang

Sen. Panfilo Lacson
Birth: June 1, 1948
Sign: Gemini
Palitan ang wig na isinusuot kapag lumalabas ng hideout. Masyado nang makapal ang alikabok nito. Magsagawa ng loyalty check sa mga katiwala sa pinagtataguang bahay. Isa sa kanila ang posibleng mag-chuchu sa kinaroroonan mo. Ikaka-imbyerna mo ito. Isang text message ang mare-receive mo anytime this week. Ito ang nilalaman ng mensahe: “Dear Mr. Senator, I sympathize and agree with you. The justice system in this country is insane. By the way, I can offer you temporary sanctuary. Bakante naman ang basement ko ngayon. – Love, Marlene Aguilar”

Claire De La Fuente
President, Integrated Metro Bus Operators Association
Birth: December 28, 1958
Sign: Capricorn
Sayang! Sabay-sabay na ‘di nagpakita ang mga bituin ngayon. Wala kang horoscope! Promise, hindi nila sinadya ‘yon.

Executive Sec. Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa
Birth: November 11, 1960
Sign: Scorpio
A-ha! Kaya naman pala eh. Scorpio ka kasi. ‘Yun lang!

Note: The stars are submitting a fine-tuned reading for Executive Secretary Jojo Ochoa. Apologies for the premature release of the horoscope.

Executive Sec. Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa
Birth: November 11, 1960
Sign: Scorpio
May mga parating na pagbabago sa iyong trabaho. Malapit na. Ramdam mo na ba? Sakali’t ‘di magustuhan, huwag idaan sa paglalasing. Hindi solusyon ang alkohol sa malalasap na kabiguan. Magpakatatag. Malay natin, hindi matuloy. Sa aspeto naman ng pag-ibig, ipagpatuloy ang pagiging tahimik at misteryoso – asset ‘yan sa mga chicks! By the way, kahapon nang umaga sa dzMM, naintriga ang mga planeta sa rebelasyong binitiwan ni Ted Failon. Sabi ni Ted sa co-anchor na si Pinky Webb: “Ang alam ko… crush ka ni Jojo Ochoa!” #patayTAYOjan! [After the Vina Morales and Pops Fernandez incident, hindi ka pa rin ba nadala?] Concerned lang ang mga bituin.

Grand Lotto Winner
Birth: Confidential
Sign: Confidential
Upang matiyak ang iyong kaligtasan, iwasan mo ang sumusunod na mga lugar: palengke (maraming taon do’n); Twitter (maraming pahamak do’n), at simbahan (self-explanatory).

AND FINALLY…
Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz
Birth: November 17, 1934
Sign: Scorpio
Hindi na magpapaliguy-ligoy pa ang mga bituin. Ayaw mo sa RH bill! Ayaw mo sa condom! Ayaw mo sa jueteng! Ayaw mo sa STL! Ayaw mo sa lotto! Ayaw mong manalo ang mga taong tumataya sa lotto! Gusto mong umalis ng bansa ang mga taong nananalo sa lotto, etc. etc. Dahil d’yan malakas ang kutob ng mga bituin na ikaw ay magiging successful publisher soon! Ang dami mo kasing isyu!

IN THE NEWS NOW…

Finding Lacson
The National Bureau of Investigation has failed to locate fugitive senator Panfilo Lacson after two unsuccessful operations in Quezon City last Friday and Tanauan City in Batangas last Saturday. After QC and Batangas, the NBI has yet to announce – the next venue for the Moro-moro.

Ruined?
Reports say President Aquino is blaming the media for ruining his love life. It marked the first time since assuming office that the President has put the blame on someone other than Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.

Bishop vs. Santa
Newly-retired Bishop Teodoro Bacani accuses Santa Claus of stealing the true spirit of Christmas. Santa dismissed the allegation as unfair and accused Bacani of “getting even” after the latter’s name made it again on Santa’s annual “naughty” list.

Wikileaks
Controversial Wikileaks founder Julian Assange is being hunted by authorities for rape and sexual harassment. But a defiant Assange said in a statement he’d rather die than surrender.

Julian Assange is wanted on suspicion of “sex crimes.” Reports say while having consensual sex with a woman in Sweden, his condom broke and did not disclose it to his partner. Now we know why it’s called WikiLeaks.

Sole Survivor
GMA 7’s “Survivor Philippines: Celebrity Showdown” held its finalé last Friday. In case you’re not familiar with the successful reality show, ‘Survivor Philippines’ was produced by Filipinos; shot entirely in Thailand, and was ultimately won by a Brazilian citizen with Japanese descent.

In Sports

The Philippine football team shocked defending champion Vietnam, 2 goals to nil in the ongoing ASEAN Football Federation (AFF) Suzuki Cup tournament. After the loss, Vietnamese national football coach Henrique Calisto criticized the Philippines’ defensive tactics calling it “poor.” He also refused to shake our coach’s hand after the match. Where was Mai Mislang when we needed her most!?

Vietnamese national football coach Henrique Calisto refused to shake hands with Philippine XI coach Simon McMenemy after Vietnam lost to our football team in the ongoing Suzuki Cup in Hanoi. Oo na! Pogi ka na! #calistosucks
—————————————
“The celestial bodies are the cause of all that takes place in the sublunar world.”
~Thomas Aquinas

Elsewhere…
Thank you to the [Philippine Daily] Inquirer Super! Ehem.
25 Blogs you should be reading

Also, loyal LA Lakers fan, journalist TJ Manotoc and 24 others are on the list of the 25 Pinoys you should follow on Twitter.

[Just kidding. TJ is an adherent of the ‘championship ring-less’ LeBron James and the Miami Heat. #asapa! But, yeah, he’s on the list.]

Survey Says
Sa umiinit na namang isyu ng Vizconde massacre, ano ang paniniwala mo:
– Guilty naman talaga ang mga na-convict. 40.25%
– Palayain si Hubert Webb! 17.97%
– Hintayin na lang ang desisyon ng Korte Suprema. 41.77%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

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For a regular dose of insanity, follow me on Twitter. Just click here.

Have a great week! Ingat.

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Author: professionalheckler

See About the Heckler

82 thoughts on “AYON SA MGA BITUIN (Reload)”

  2. hahaha. ayus, the best na naman to idol PH. galing mo talga. tawa ko ng tawa dito sa office, kala nila nababaliw na ko. hehehe. the best talaga si mayor lim, kahit ilang beses ko na nabasa yung ‘pulis lang, pulis lang’ nakakatawa pa rin talga. hehehe. about JoPac, sana naman wag na nya asamin ang DOJ, baka imbes na Dept. of Justice yun maging Drinker on Job. leave Sec. De Lima, she can do great things on the Dept.

    http;//twitter.com/rojan88

    Like

    Reply

    1. i understand why people didn’t like some of my posts recently THAT much. there are issues na hindi talaga pamilyar ang tao. Like this one: “WikiLeaks is a website that gathers information that are not so supposed to be made public, and yet, they release it online so the whole world could read it. The Philippine Daily Inquirer has a term for that: socialite.”

      if readers are not on twitter or haven’t been following the mistaken identity issue (lotto winner), they wouldnt get it. but this item was one of my favorites. 🙂

      anyway, thanks again.

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      Reply

      1. PH, i was wondering why you didn’t write anything about dyan’s coverage of the soto vs antillon bout. As a sports buff yourself, i doubt if you were not “familiar with the issue(or event)”. Watching the bout made me wonder if dyan was actually watching the same. It seemed she was doing something else coz all i could hear from her were oohs and aaahs and she did not know what round it was! Nakakapagod na daw sabi pa niya.
        The ‘socialite’ thing is one of my favorites too. Si Mr. Bigtime Socialite ay obviously influential among the scribes kasi walang masyadong naisulat sa booboo na ito.

        Like

      5. ur always welcome PH, kaw pa idol. hehehe…yup siguro nga kasi di masyadong pangmasa si WikiLeaks eh, compared to Mayor Lim. hehehe. pero the Lotto winners mistataken identity nakakatawa naman sya. hehehe…isa pa pala patok din si Lacscon, may “imbyerna’ thing talaga. hehehe. nagiisa ka talaga PH…yung sa coach ng vietnam pede mo kaya gawan ng one on one sila ni Mislang? hehehe, naiimagine ko na ang kulit ng post na yun, “Mislangin si Calisto”. lol.

        thanks din PH, for always making our day so light and funny. :-). keep heckling.

        Like

  11. i don’t get it. if the Philippine Football team’s defensive tactic was ‘poor’, bakit hindi sila nakapagscore? what does that say of the adversary? Philippine’s Defensive tactic may be poor but the other coach’s logic (and skill) is poorer…way way below the poverty level.

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  13. Idol PH, ang galing nyo talaga! Grabe naman ang coach ng Vietnam. Ang sportsmanship, tinuturo na sa atin as early as elementary. Sa isang contest, it’s either we win or we lose. He should stop whining. ‘Pag natalo ka, accept it and just play better next time. Make no excuses. Oo nga naman, Mai Mislang should have defended us. 🙂

    Saka PH, bilib rin ako sa staying power ni Zenaida Seva. Mula “Alas Singko Y Medya” hanggang “Umagang Kaqy Ganda,” nandyan pa rin sya. At panalo ang kanyang immortal closing spiel. 🙂

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  15. I love Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz!
    Why? He never fails to amaze me. He would always have the words for everything. Ganyan talaga pag may katandaan na. Pasintabi. Hehehe

    PH! keep it up.
    Merry Christmas at sabay-sabay tayong manuod ng Lantern Parade sa ating mahal na Unibersidad! 😀

    Mabuhay ang mga sikat na sikat ng TAO sa [mula] sa taong 2010 [hanggang 2016]!

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  18. Ayos ka, PH! Yung linya ni Zenaida Seva talagang tumatak na sa memorya ng marami 😀
    reklamo ko lang – masyado mo namang pinasisikat si Ms. Mai Mislang
    di kaya obsession na yan? bagay pa naman kayo 😛

    pero i must admit, swak na swak ang pagkaka-heckle mo sa kaniya sa issue ng philippine football team win!

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  38. Pingback: AYON SA MGA BITUIN (Reload) « The Professional Heckler | Pnoy Talks

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