BASTED

ARE YOU familiar with Liz Uy? Yup, Liz Uy, the personal stylist of President Noynoy Aquino, and just recently, the ex-almost future First Girlfriend.

Reliable sources say President Aquino was not successful in winning the heart of his personal stylist Liz Uy. Even the endorsement of Kris Aquino and Boy Abunda failed to deliver this time.


Top 12 Messages Left on President Noynoy Aquino’s Answering Machine

No. 12: “Hello ‘tol, si Jojo Ochoa ‘to. Hindi pa katapusan ng mundo! Tara, inom tayo!”

No. 11: “Hi Noy! Krissy here! Gosh! Boy and I we’re just talking about you and Liz. ‘Yun na ba ‘yun?!? You’re so hina talaga! Nakakainis! Ay, wait… Bimby’s making ubos na naman a can of Nido eh. Pinapapak talaga niya. Aha-ha-ha! He’s so PG like his dada. Will call you again in a minute. Gosh, Biiiiiimby… enough na!”

No. 10: “P’re, si Rico E. Puno ‘to. Narinig ko na ang balita. Alam mo p’re, when you’re down and troubled, and you need a helping hand. And nothing, nothing is going right. Close your eyes and THINK of me and soon I will be there to brighten up even your darkest nights. Mas dark pare, mas okay. Take care, ‘cause I care… pare!”

No. 9: “Hillow? Numiro ba itu ni Prisidinti? Kaya mu ‘yan mahal na pangulu! Aku nga, ilang bisis ring binastid ni Jinkee bagu ku napa-uu. Piro, kung gustu mu talagang makuha ang isang babai, una sa lahat pasalamat ka muna sa Panginuun. Kung wala siya, wala ka rin sa mundu. Tapus, pasalamat ka sa supurta ng taung bayan. Kung ‘di ka nila ibinutu, ‘di mu makikilala si Lez. ‘Yun lang ang advice ko. Basta, kip preying, at makakatagpu ka rin ng babaing para sa ‘yu! Ooops, tika, anu ‘yang kamira sa harapan ku?!? Sus ginuu! Nariyan ka pala Dyan Castilliju. ‘Kala ku si Nanay Dionisia! Pastilan!”

No. 8: “Hi Sir! Mai Mislang here. I know, I know! The feeling sucks, right?”

No. 7: “Hello Noy. Si Koring ‘to! Yes, Koring, may iba pa ba? Hi-hi-hi. Sinubukan ko lang ‘tong bagong phone ni Mar. ‘Di ko naman alam na sa ‘yo pala ang last dialed number. How are you na? Long time no hear ah. Okay naman ako. Heto, balik sa trono. Ooops, erase-erase-erase. Siyanga pala, I heard may ‘di kagandahang nangyari between ‘yo and the stylist. After all these years, ‘di ka pa ba nasanay?! Ooops, erase-erase-erase!”

No. 6: “Hello? Ish thish Noynoy’sh anshwering maschine? Oh, how are you iho? I’m shorry huh for meddling in your pershonal life. Pero what’sh thish I heard that you’re blaming me and my adminishtrashion for your lacklushter and imaginary affairsh of the heart? That’sh sho unfair! Ishtop! Okay? Let’sh move on. At katulad ng paulit-ulit na advice sha akin ng aking ama, do what ish right, do what ish best, and Mike Arroyo will take care of the rest. I mean, God will take care of the resht. I am shorry.”

No. 5: “Hi Noy. Si Krissy ulit to. You make kwento na kasi! What happened ba? Why do I keep reading the word “basted” on Twitter? Gosh! ‘Di ba I told you na allergic si Liz sa secondhand smoke? Siguro nag-yosi ka na naman in front of her. Hay naku! You’re so matigas ang ulo kasi! Basta next time… Biiiiimby! Ano baaaaa?! Tigilan mo na ‘yang Nido!”

No. 4: “Hello Mistel Plesident. Donald Tsang koling. Bakit ikaw ‘di sagot akyen tawag? Dalawa ulit ako tawag lagi machine answer. Sabi machine “Sorry, da numbel you dial is in a meeting.” Ako inis ulit pero ako understand iyo situation. Tawag ako iyo kasi bigay ako numbel 1 tip para babae sagot ka yes. Ikaw iwash smile para babae isip ikaw mystelious. Dapat ikaw pa-mystelious epek. Oki? ‘Yun lang. Jīng cháng lián xì a!”

No. 3: “Noy? Hello po! Tinest ko lang po kung active pa ‘tong number mo. Mukhang active pa nga. Sige po, idi-delete ko na. Oo nga pala, naka-box na po ‘yong mga regalo mo sa ‘king figurines, mugs at stuffed toys from Blue Magic. Plano ko sanang itapon kaya lang baka gusto mong ipamigay sa staff mo. Paki-pick na lang po sa bahay namin sa Valenzuela sa Monday, holiday naman. Salamat po.”

No. 2: “Hello and good morning Mr. President! Attorney Edwin Lacierda here. I just would like to inform you that I have received your personal memo. Ricky and Manolo are in the process of fine-tuning your love letter to Ms. Uy. We’re very sorry it was released prematurely. And we’re doubly sorry that the half-baked message was obtained and reported by ANC. I have ordered an investigation to determine the source of the leak. Nevertheless, at the end of the day, it’s still Liz Uy who has the final say.”

And the No.1 message left on President Aquino’s answering machine…

“Hi Noy! Si Mar ‘to! Lakasan mo ang iyong loob bro. And don’t worry, matatagpuan mo rin ang babaeng para sa ‘yo. Minsan nga, ‘yong ‘di mo inaasahan ang siya pang dumarating. Tingnan mo ako: who would have thought na darating ang araw na magiging misis ko ang ex-girlfriend mo? That’s the magic of love ‘tol. Oh, by the way, did you see Shalani on Willing Willie last night? ‘T*ng-ina pare, Naka-sleeveless! Sumiseksi pare! Syet! Awrrr!”

IN OTHER NEWS…

After failing to secure a TRO against the airing of Willie Revillame’s new show, ABS-CBN has filed a PhP127 million copyright infringement case versus ‘Willing Willie’ and TV5 for allegedly copying ‘Wowowee.’ Next week, ABS-CBN will file another case against the TV host and TV5 for ‘copying’ TV Patrol’s “idea” of hiring an ex-girlfriend of the president.

ABS-CBN has accused Willie Revillame and TV5 of plagiarism. Revillame retorted, “Willing Willie, as an entertainment show is a form of art. Sa arts, ang plagiarism ay accepted practice!

According to the complaint, TV5’s airing of Willing Willie has caused and continues to cause irreparable damage to ABS-CBN… specifically, to TV Patrol.

Animal Lover
Two counts of violation of The Animal Welfare Act were filed against a 33-year-old farmer in Naujan, Oriental Mindoro after he allegedly raped a pet dog twice this month. The farmer categorically denied the accusation saying he was a loyal husband… to his carabao.

Reports say the 33-year-old farmer in Naujan, Oriental Mindoro who was charged for allegedly sexually assaulting a pet dog had previously raped a pig! The farmer vehemently denied the allegation saying he was a victim of black propaganda concocted by a disgruntled ex-flame, a hen.
——————————————-
♪♪ “It takes some time
God knows how long ♪♪
I know that I can forget you ♪♪
♪ As soon as my heart stops breakin’
Anticipating ♪ ♪
♪As soon as forever is through ♪♪
I’ll be over you”♪♪
~Toto, I’ll Be Over You

Survey Says
On the resignation of Tourism undersecretary Enteng Romano:
– Dapat lang! Palpak eh! 47.12%
– Isang kapuri-puring hakbang! Mabuhay ka! 41.81%
– Sino siya? Anong balita? 11.06%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

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Author: professionalheckler

See About the Heckler

153 thoughts on “BASTED”

    1. Aray kuuuuu!

      Tika tika… halata na ba talaga?

      Boti pa nga si Paring Mar, at lest may Koring na na pantakep sa dapat takpan!

      Piru, pakiosap lang sa lahat, wag namang masyadung bilodabilt na ang tera saken.. prisedinti na aku eh! Kakaheya sa boong mondo.

      Yung kapated ko na lang na bongangira ang banatan nyu…. sanay na kase yun sa shubes.

      Like

  1. first?

    naku, Noy should concentrate on running the country, rather than dating and looking for a new lady-love. yes, alam kong entitled siya to have a personal life, pero hindi ba niya naisip na napakaraming problema ng Pilipinas, at mas dapat unahin i-resolve ito kaysa lintik niyang lovelife? kasi naman, kung desido siya talaga to have a life partner, eh sana ginawan na niya yan ng paraan twenty years ago!

    Like

    1. Amen i say to you living saint! siyang tunay! eh san ka ba naman nakakita ng presidente ng bansa na inaabot ng sign off time ng restaurant sa pakikipag-date? Me ganun? e di bala napuyat ang mga waiters at servers sa isang resto sa greenbelt kaylan lang dahil dapat sarado na sila pero di masara-sara dahil me presidenteng naglalamay pa… sa kanyang can not be requited love? love nga kaya? juicemio, to quote echosera… hahaha! kawawang totoong problema ng Pilipinas, kay ganda!!!

      Like

    2. PNoy definitely does not have enough intelligence to think and do something about national problems. He needs to get the best and the brightest to do these not the clowns that he has now. But the problem is that he cannot relate to the best and the brightest and they cannot talk to him on the same level.

      Like

      1. korek ka dyan, paul. look at sec. robredo; reports say they don’t see eye to eye. e tingnan mo lang ang educational background at tract record ni sec. , maningning na, amazing pa! di talaga matched eyeball nila! but in fairness, kinuha siya… bakit nga ba? only to be stuck in the aparador?

        Like

      1. @etchosera huwag kang ganyan…first time nga raw rito ni @jason, he thought he was first because none was registered when he wrote his comment kasi under moderation pa yata lahat that time. Welcome @jason, masanay ka kay @etchosera, mabait siya and like the author, Mr. PH, is a heckler of caliber.

        Like

      1. Ay Ate Wan, alam na naman ng lahat na butas-bangko lang si Pnoy sa Congress at Senate before he run for president… tapos binoto nyo pa!

        The way forward is to NOT expect too much from Pnoy… para iwas wrinkles! Para lahat tayo maganda, di ba?

        At pag lahat tayo maganda……. eh di goodbye sa modus operandi ni Vicky Belo!

        Bwahahahaha!

        Wag nang magsisihan, tulungan na lang si Pnoy na makahanap na ng makakasama niya sa buhay, ke lalaki man o babae…kebs ko! Ang mahalaga eh maayos na niya muna ang buhay nya.

        Saka na yung good governance….. matagal na naman tayong wala nyan eh (AMININ!). … and yet we survived! The filipino resilience at its best!

        Like

  2. I really think it was a bold and wise move from TV5 under Manny Pangilinan (MP) to put “Willing Willie” on primetime TV, in contrast to the primetime news from other networks.

    Kahit maraming haters si Wiilie Revillame (isa na ako dun), siguro naisip nilang mas gugustuhin siyempre ng mga tao na manood ng gameshow kesa mapanood ulit si Kabayan at si Ate Koring na wala rin halos nabago sa style and substance ang news reporting…. at di lang yan, puro pa bad news ang dala.

    TV5 is now here to stay and will definitely give the other two networks a run for their money / public viewership!

    Ayan! Dahil kay MP, napa-english tuloy ako. Ke mali o tama…… KEBS!
    Walang pakialaman!

    Bwahahahahaha!

    Like

  3. Bwahahahaha nakakatawa tlaga pramis! super nakakatawa. mamataymatay at mangisayngisay ako sa kakatawa nakakatawa tlaga mga frends, sige na paniwalaan nyo naman ako. sign na kayo ng petition letter na gawin nating national artist c heckler shit kasi hindi corny jokes nya bwahahahahahhaah

    Like

  4. U r never lonely with a jolibee.
    Affairs of state are secondary to opening a new
    fast food restaurant
    its not that he has no time for a love life.
    He only works part time
    Just a balding bespectacled old skinflint with no style or taste.
    I dont think liz uy could take all the jokes going round however much pnoy was paying her

    Like

  5. ay nakuu, karma ‘yan, karma talaga! mantak ba namang iabandon si mahinhin shalani y mabini nang walang huling paalam as in me ultimo adios; entonces dropping her like hot spring! just that?! di ba si binibining madam kaya pala di makaamin-amin e sa tv at dyaryo pa nalaman na break na sila?! walang turing! walang utang na loob! sorry, naliwasan ako ng actual basting ceremony! yung huli ko kcng update nung mag-overtime sa isang greenvelt restaurant yung mga waiting staff dahil sa overstaying na 2 dating customers nung isang araw. baka nun nagkalinawan! hindi nga?!

    Like

      1. ay sinabi mo, etch! (feel ko mas endearing ‘to ‘neng, luv u!), napa-automatic yung stalking blues ko since he won the elect, u know! kc, i had hoped na matatauhan ang pinoy at magbabago ang kanilang voting precept. eh hindi rin! senti pa rin, as in witless! kaya ang akin… cge, gusto nyo yan, vamos a ver… kaya ayun! ggrrr. tsaka nahawa na rin ako sa inyo, obvious ba? hahaha!

        Like

  6. he he. in ferness, totoo yung no.1 message sa answering machine: unti-unting nattransform si mam shalani. nagmmetamorphose pati wardrobe nya. sino kaya ang stylist nya? sory na lang sir; no exchange, no return… meron nang somebody waiting, pinapahinog lang nang konti pa. he he he!!

    Like

  7. Next one is 19
    Sounds a bit young for a 50 year old
    what – 19 girlfriends!
    Sounds a bit strange for a 50 year old
    that beats tiger woods – but not manny pacquio.
    Now thats why the pacman was at the palace.
    A few pointers from a professional.
    with all these distractions no wonder nothing gets done.
    No wonder people prefer stable married leaders with family values

    Like

  8. “Gosh, Biiiiiimby… enough na!” hahaha! Love your Kris and Pacquiao answer messages! Alam kong hindi masayang ma-basted but Pinoy humor talaga is “walang personalan” and “talo ang pikon”! Hindi ko ito ma-translate talaga sa foreigner! Para sa kanila, cruel tayo! Anyway, great posting as ever, PH! Even the commenters can be nastily funny!

    Like

    1. I agree 100% ! I hope P-Noy wakes up…and Kris and Ballsy and even Pinky and Viel. They should realize that P-Noy has to address the nation’s problems first…not his lovelife. He had 25-30 years to do something with his single status…huwag niya ngayon pinagbibigyan ng priority attention.

      Like

      1. Naku Koya Eddi, hayaan mo na nga kase! Karapatan nya naman yan eh.

        Bakit ba bitter bitteran ka pag lovelife ni Pnoy ang pinag-uusapan?

        May tama ka rin kay Pnoy, no?… just like promdi?

        Eeewwwwwwwwwwwww!

        Saan nga ba nakakabili ng “good taste” at padalhan ko kayong dalawa?

        Isa pa nga…. Eeewwwwwwwwwwwww!

        Like

      2. Kung nananahimik na lang ba sila. But Kris, Abunda, Ballsy, ABS, and Pnoy himself are the ones creating these noise and much ado about his lovelife. Nakakasuka ang hypocrisy and pretension which is already an insult to the intelligence of Filipinos, minus the 15 million of course.

        Like

  9. I don’t want to add salt to the president’s wounding heart. So ganito na lang– Pres. Noy should not feel bad. For he may have lost someone who never loved him, but Liz and those other 17 girls (the 18th excluded) also lost someone who really loved and cared for them.” wahehe wahehehe , sy8, mukhang magthrow-throw up ako sa sinabi ko. 😀

    Like

  10. nakita nyo na ba ang totoong bf ni Ms. Liz Uy? My gulay ang gwapo kaya. Malamang pinagbigyan lang nyan ang request ni Tetay na mai date nya si Pnoy.

    Yung katulad kase ni Abunda at Kris wala ng inisip kundi publicity! Hoy Pnoy bago ka mag inarte sa lovelife mo pwede palagyan mo muna ng aircon ang Consulate office sa Dubai at ilipat sa mas maayos na lugar di yung sa gitna ng disyerto nakapwesto.

    Like

  11. @ promdi

    pag presidente na pala, hindi na tao, ano na tawag pag
    more than tao na…ay presidente pala..naguguluhan ako…

    anyway, kahit ano pang gawin natin, kahit magtumbling pa
    kayong lahat pwera ako dahil hindi ko na kaya, ang reality,
    na uto na si noynoy at presidente na…

    kaya, pabayaan na nating humanap ng inspiration, di ba nga
    may kasabihan na, behind every man’s success is a woman,
    or something to that effect,
    malay natin, pag may asawa na dadalhin na tayo sa matuwid
    na landas, may chance pa naman, malayo pa ang expiration
    date ng kanyang term…

    Like

    1. kasi mang senior, ang tao, normal ang buhay; yung gising at work sa araw, then tulog at rest sa gabi; mga at least 3x a day ang kain, at madalas standard iniisip ang sarili na mapabuti, and more or less, pati pamilya at mahal sa buhay. di ba? ordinaryong tao yan. pero kung presidente ka, more than tao ka! presidente ka at nagprisinta ka para maging yun. pinatulan ka naman ng mga medyo desperate na mga voting populace na sabik sa pinopromo mong “tuwid na daan” kahit wala ka naman palang kongktretong game plan o road map kung paano makakapunta dun! Ang president, sinasantabi, sinasakripisyo ang personal interest at mas bias sa kapakanan ng bayan. me sense of sacrifice, ika nga. ex: kung single ka, di ka pwedeng hahara-hara sa mga resto na nakikipagdate until the wee hours! pangbagets at aimless lakwatsero lang yun; hindi pang-president ng bansa! hindi ka nagiging vocal sa mga personal insights mo sa panliligaw at pakikipagdate sa mga chicks na di naman yata alam na nililigawan mo sila! mga ganun! e presidente ka nga eh. kaya sorry na lang! pinasok mo ang seryoso at masakripisyong mundo na yan, kaya umayos ka! gets mo na, sir senior?

      Like

  12. golden rule ang tumama kay pnoy mga kabayan…pnay singles ang tropa niya except mar na napilitan lang…robredo, tolentino (mmda), joey salceda, are among them….yes he’s our president and we dont care about his lovelife…it’s his concrete program na ilang buwan na wala pa rin kundi puro kahihiyan at pangongopya lang…that’s the fruit of misvote to real doers…quo vadis pinoy and pinas?

    Like

  13. sa mga mapagmasid, napansin nyo po ba ang mga sumusunod?

    1. Nang mamatay si Tita Cory, walang Shalani sa eksena.
    2. Sa “speech” (eulogy) ni Kristeta, she said something like “kung ano ka man (Noynoy), tanggap namin” or words to that effect [paki-Google na lang].
    3. A week after dineklara na ang candidacy ni Penoy, biglang-bigla ang ugong (courtesy of Boy Abunda?) about Shalani.
    4. In a public event, the crowd teased Penoy to kiss Shalani. He declined. Kung ako si Shalani, ni-dirty finger ko itong si Penoy right then and there.
    5. There was something fishy about this Penoy-Shalani affair. Mukhang scripted from the start.
    6. Liz decline her “role” in her “script.” Woudn’t you?

    Like

    1. Pasingit, kung nagmasid ka sa pamilya Aquino before mamatay si Tita Cory, malalaman mo na pinakilala na sa public si Shalani before pah. She was introduced even sa Deal or No Deal ng mag-guest si Pnoy at James, Feb 2009 bday ni Kris, nandoon din si Mar at binibiro nilang “next president”. Also if you chk Kris eulogy to her Mom, she didn’t mention anything “kung ano ka man”, pls chk in Youtube nagkalat ang video. But its true wala clang PDA in public, never kung nakita. I never doubted Pnoy”s sexual preference, duda ako sa Emotional & maybe a little Psychological capability nya to handle intimate relationship. Yun lng po thank you.

      Like

      1. hay naku, Yen! Look what u made me do: reasearch and transcribe part of Kristeta’s eulogy (the part that made a lot of eyebrows reach for the sky). Eto po ‘yon… yung part na si Penoy na ang tinutukoy ni Kristeta:

        “… Pero ‘wag kang mag-alala… Kaming mga kapatid mo, kung saan ka liligaya… PWEDE NA RIN!”

        O, ano sa palagay mo Yen?

        Haiz… pinagod mo ako ha???? U owe me one, Yen or Kristeta… or Boy [as per Centrino below]. Now I can sleep. G’night!

        Like

  14. @promdi

    na describe mo na ang normal at tsaka more than tao,
    how about doon sa mga less fortunate, anong category
    sila na belong, abnormal/less than tao? me ganuon?

    oo na, doon sa mga ibang sacrifices agree na rin ako. pero,
    when it comes to the matters of the heart, promdi at eddi,
    walang pinipiling panahon or situation yan, ke more than tao,
    normal or abnormal pa yan, kapag tumibok ang puso, kailangan
    matugunan, ano ba kayo….

    tungkol doon sa pagiging vocal ni noynoy sa kanyang love life,
    kasalanan yan ng media, nagtatanong kasi kaya sinasagot,
    ganuon lang yun…

    Like

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