The Professional Heckler

Ang Suspek
Tambay No. 1: Pare, may problema ako. Ako ang pinagbibintangang nagsimula ng sunog sa palengke. May mga testigo raw ang mga pulis at ako ang itinuturo. Bad trip pare!
Tambay No. 2: Malaking problema nga ‘yan pare. So anong plano mo? Susuko ka na?
Tambay No. 1: Hindi pare! Sasali muna ako sa APO.

Ang Mga Rebelde
Rebeldeng Sundalo 1: Kapitan, ano ba ang talaga ang nauna: itlog o manok?
Rebeldeng Sundalo 2: Siyempre, manok! Kasi unang nalikha ang mga hayop.
Rebeldeng Sundalo 1: Eh sa kaso nating mga rebelde, ano ang nauuna: dismissal sa serbisyo o sentensya?
Rebeldeng Sundalo 2: Siyempre, amnestiya!

Ang Magkumare
Babae 1: Mare, samahan mo naman ‘ko sa school. Kakausapin ko lang si Mrs. Torres.
Babae 2: Bakit mare? May kasalanan na naman ba ang anak mo?
Babae 1: Hindi mare. Ang bigat-bigat kasi ng mga libro at kung anu-anong babasahin sa bag ni Letlet. Hirap na hirap maglakad ang bata. Kawawa naman.
Babae 2: Ay, tama ka d’yan mare. Valid ang point mo. Kaya sa susunod na PTA meeting, tumakbo kang pangulo!
Babae 1: Naku naman mare, hindi ‘yon ang target ko!
Babae 2: Eh ano?
Babae 1: Senado!

Ang Magkaklase
Estudyante 1: Ang kapal ng mukha mo! Kinopya mo ang thesis ng kapatid ko!
Estudyante 2: Hoy! ‘Wag kang magbibintang kung ‘di mo kayang patunayan!
Estudyante 1: Anong hindi!?! ‘Yan o! Mula abstract hanggang bibliography, gayang-gaya!
Estudyante 2: Wala ka pa ring pruweba!
Estudyante 1: Heto nga at hawak-hawak ko na!
Estudyante 2: Hindi! Wala kang pruweba na kinopya ko ‘yan nang may malisya!

Light Bites
Veni, vidi, vici. – I came. I saw. I conquered.
Veni, vidi, vicki. – I came. I saw. I screeeeeamed.
Veni, vidi, VD. – I came. I saw. Kris Aquino.
Veni, vidi, DVD. – I came. I saw. Raiiiiiid!

The Professional Heckler is unwell. Regular blogging resumes very soon.
For now, enjoy this compilation of his personal favorites: items culled from the articles posted during the first five months of the year. Enjoy!

May 10 Elections: The Aftermath
Lakas-Kampi-CMD standard-bearer Gilbert Teodoro has conceded defeat to his second cousin, Sen. Noynoy Aquino. Unfortunately for Gilbert, he failed to make it work. I mean, “Mind over mother.”

It’s been a week since the country held its first ever automated elections. At press time, Noynoy Aquino and Jejomar Binay are leading the PPCRV and the Comelec tally. This is understandable though since both candidates were supported by the INC. Aquino, by the Iglesia ni Cristo, and Binay, by the Iglesia ng Cojuangco.

In a press conference Monday, the Liberal Party claimed that based on 88 certificates of canvass (81 percent) obtained by the party, Mar Roxas led Jejomar Binay by 137,404 votes. LP stalwarts did not reveal though whose idea was it to publicly give Roxas… false hopes.

Conceding defeat to Noynoy Aquino, Sen. Manuel Villar Jr. apologized to the people whom he may have hurt during the campaign. He apologized to his opponents, to their supporters, and to his critics. He didn’t say though when is he going to apologize to his mother.

Former PCSO and MTRCB Chairman Manoling Morato revealed that men approached him and offered to rig the polls in favor of Gilbert Teodoro for one billion pesos. Morato was stunned! Imagine, the men were asking one billion pesos from him! He subsequently rejected the offer saying the most that he had given a man was P1,500. Two hours na ‘yon!

It was a rather unusual day at the House of Representatives last Wednesday. A ‘koala’ stole the show from the crocodiles.

Comelec officials started to doubt the credibility of the masked whistleblower when they tried to extract some personal information from him. Asked about his residence, the whistleblower replied, “eucalyptus tree.”

May 2010: The Campaign
Noynoy Aquino says he won’t quit smoking because doing so might affect his decisions. Did you know what happened the last time he tried to stop smoking? He decided to run for president!

Did you watch Sunday night’s vice presidential debate organized by ABS-CBN? At one point, Loren Legarda asked Mar Roxas why he kept shifting allegiances. Viewers were shocked to hear that from Loren. For a moment, they thought Jay Sonza would then be mocking Jejomar Binay for being dark-skinned.

You’ve heard the news about the death of the son of TV host Toni Rose Gayda, right? Reports say neighbors heard a loud thud when Edward James Gayda Lim fell from the veranda of their condo unit last Friday. How about the latest Pulse Asia trust survey? Heard about it? Reports say neighbors of presidential bet Manny Villar heard a loud thud too.

The race for president heats up as the campaign period approaches. Have you seen the candidates’ latest stunts? Noynoy Aquino tried to rap and Gilbert Teodoro attempted to fly a plane. Not to be outdone, Bro. Eddie Villanueva will try to walk on water.

Don’t you find local politics exciting? Noynoy Aquino is fighting Manny Villar. Richard Gordon is fighting Noynoy Aquino. And Gilbert Teodoro is fighting Rico Blanco.

The latest Social Weather Stations survey showed that Nacionalista Party standard-bearer Manny Villar has narrowed the lead of his main rival, Liberal Party standard-bearer Noynoy Aquino. But Liberal Party stalwarts insisted the survey was “biased” because respondents were asked these two questions: (1) Nakaligo ka na ba sa dagat ng basura? (2) Nag-Pasko ka na ba sa gitna ng kalsada?

During a debate in UP, Sen. Jamby Madrigal was booed for failing to give an accurate answer to the question, “Would you know the current price of “galunggong.” She justified her wrong answer by saying, “I’m a vegetarian.” But when a student asked her to name the third vegetable mentioned in the folk song “Bahay Kubo,” she insisted, “I’m not a singer.”

This just in! Minutes after Apollo Quiboloy announced his “chosen one,” another presidential candidate issued a statement thanking the religious leader. It turned out though that the “candidate” was misinformed by a supporter. Nagkamali ng dinig ang supporter ni candidate. Sa halip na Gibô, ang dinig niya Tibô!

Interviewed by the Philippine Daily Inquirer, Sen. Jamby Madrigal described Sen. Manuel Villar Jr. as “an evil candidate.” Villar vowed to give a reaction tomorrow on radio station dzRH, 666 kHz.

An emotional Nanay Curing Villar, mother of presidential candidate Manuel Villar Jr. faced the media to defend her son against his critics. The press con organized by Villar’s media group has just earned for Nanay Curing the distinction of being the oldest campaign paraphernalia yet.

According to Albay Governor Joey Salceda, Noynoy Aquino was his seatmate in the English class in Ateneo some 30 years back. Salceda will never ever forget the young Noynoy… mainly because he was the only one who owned a lighter then.

Noynoy Aquino supporters refused to believe that he underwent psychiatric evaluation in 1996. They wanted the source of the report to prove that the name “Benigno Simeon” actually appeared on the document. Baka naman daw kasi “Kristine Bernadette” ang nakasulat.

At a recent campaign sortie in Bacolod City, Kris Aquino’s 2-year-old son Baby James blurted out “Villar!” on the microphone to the delight of the Ilonggos. A noticeably stunned Kris had to turn him away from the crowd. The Bacolod incident has prompted Noynoy Aquino to conduct a loyalty check on his family.

Sen. Manny Villar has challenged Sen. Noynoy Aquino to undergo a psychiatric test. Felt slighted by the challenge, Noynoy told Villar, “Magpapa-psychiatric test lang ako kung mamamatay ka muna dahil walang pampagamot.”

Howie Severino became the first Filipino journalist to be beamed on live TV in “a hologram” – or as Pastor Apollo Quiboloy would describe it, “a vision.”

March 2010: MVP and Plagiarism
It spread like wildfire on the Internet. According to reports, sections of PLDT Chairman Manuel V. Pangilinan’s commencement address to the sesquicentennial graduates of his alma mater, Ateneo De Manila University last March 26 and 27 were copied from speeches of celebrities like media mogul Oprah Winfrey, late-night host Conan O’Brien, ‘Harry Potter’ author J.K. Rowling and even US President Barack Obama. Members of the graduating class now understand why MVP, towards the latter part of his speech last week thanked AdMU president Fr. Bienvenido Nebres, the Class of 2010, their parents, the Ateneo community, and Google.

A section of MVP’s commencement address to Ateneo graduates was copied from the speech of US President Barack Obama. Members of AdMU’s graduating class realized this when Pangilinan announced his plans of withdrawing troops from Iraq.

A portion of Manny Pangilinan’s commencement address to Ateneo graduates last month was copied from a speech of ‘Harry Potter’ author J.K. Rowling. Members of the graduating class realized this when MVP promised to raise funds for the Ateneo Blue Eagles Quidditch team.

The Ateneo De Manila University Board of Trustees has decided to reject the resignation of its chairman Manuel V. Pangilinan. Consequently, the board announced that the university is adopting a new slogan. From “Lux Domino” (Light in the Lord), the new slogan will be, “Plagiarius est non bonus tamen nos postulo viaticus” (Plagiarism is not good but we need cash).

Arroyo’s Ratings
The Social Weather Stations says President Arroyo’s net satisfaction rating is down to negative 53 percent, an all-time low. Because of the “F” or failing grade she received from Filipinos, Mrs. Arroyo says she’s more than willing to repeat.

Polish President Lech Kaczynski, his wife Maria, and dozens of political, military, and religious leaders of Poland were killed in a plane crash last Sunday. Unverified reports say, before the plane crashed, it was flying too low. Yeah, it was flying too low it almost collided with President Arroyo’s satisfaction rating.
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“A politician thinks of the next election. A statesman, of the next generation.”
~James Freeman

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Have a safe weekend!