YOU’RE SO DEAD!


MOMENTS BEFORE he died, famous French grammarian Dominique Bouhours uttered: “I am about to – or I am going to – die: either expression is correct.” On his deathbed, Voltaire was asked by a priest to renounce Satan. The philosopher replied: “This is no time for making enemies.” And convicted murderer James French shouted this to members of the press who were to witness his execution by electric chair: “Hey, fellas! How about this for a headline for tomorrow’s paper? ‘French Fries’!”

In advance observance of All Saints Day, The Professional Heckler brings back ‘Famous Last Words’ – “predicted” deathbed statements of local political and entertainment figures. This is the 2010 edition of that ‘recurring’ blog article.

Their famous last words:

President Aquino: “Watch what happens… ”

President Aquino 2: ‘Walang wangwang. Walang counterflow. Walang tong. Walang… buhay.”

Interior Undersecretary Rico Puno: “Unless the President asks me to die, I won’t.”

Executive Secretary Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa Jr.: “Hik!”

Manila Vice Mayor Isko Moreno: “Esquierda na ‘ko!”

Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim: “Ayoko na! ‘Di ko na kaya ang karamdaman kong ito. Dalhin n’yo na ako sa Tondo!”

Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim 2: “Nagugutom ako.”

Atty. Edwin Lacierda: “I have no idea who leaked the information on my purported death but I assure you – the Communications Group had nothing to do with it. I promise to investigate the matter when I’ve fully recovered.”

Comelec Commissioner Gregorio Larrazabal: “Honestly. Orderly. Peacefully.” [When asked by the press how he wanted to die]

Antonio “Tony Boy” Cojuangco (to the press): “Who told you I am dying? I am not. Walang concrete evidence ‘yang source n’yo. You! Yes, you the reporter in blue, tell me, kung wala bang matibay na ebidensya ang source ng balita mo, irereport mo?”

Sen. Lito Lapid: “Zzzzzzzz.”

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago: “Ayoko na! Punong-puno na ako! Ayoko naaa!”

Former PAGASA Chief Dr. Prisco Nilo: “Ang temperatura ko ay maglalaro sa pagitan ng 30 at 37 degree Centigrade anim hanggang pitong oras matapos ‘kong pumanaw. Uulan ng luha at babaha ng kalungkutan. May manaka-nakang papuri mula sa ilang mga pulitiko. Magiging banayad naman ang reaksyon ng Pangulo. Ang araw ay sisikat sa inyo ngunit hindi na sa akin.”

Ilocos Sur Gov. Luis ‘Chavit’ Singson: “Ayoko! Hindi maaari! Set up ‘to! Set up!”

Outgoing ABS-CBN News & Current Affairs Chief, and Esquire magazine’s Sexiest Filipina Alive Maria Ressa: “I will not be renewing my contract with ‘life.’ It’s time for me to move on.”

RMN’s Erwin Tulfo: “Powtang-eyna naman!^5$@& Ayaw kow pang mamatey!”

RMN’s Michael Rogas: “Ito po ang live at special exclusive coverage ng aking kamatayan. Naririnig po tayo ngayon sa mahigit isandaang himpilan ng RMN nationwide!”

GMA 7’s Mel Tiangco: “Nakow! Ganito pala kapag huling minuto na ng buhay ng isang tao ‘no ha? Nakakatakot pala Mike! Pambihira ‘no ha!”

Valenzuela City Councilor Shalani Soledad: “No comment.”

And finally…
Kris Aquino (via Twitter): “RT @iamkrisaquino: guys, thanks for all your prayers. joshua and bimby are beside me now. i told them to be strong. grabe! bimby cried when i told him na i’ll gonna visit him every nite. hahaha then josh said, ‘mamu, you’re creepy.’ gosh, ganito pala ang feeling. kaloka!” #AlmostDead #KeriLang #Now Na!

In the news now:

More than 300 officers and enlisted men who took part in three failed power grabs were granted amnesty by President Aquino. When he heard the news, Sen. Panfilo Lacson started plotting a mutiny against the Aquino government.

The RH Bill Debate
The good news is: Cebu Archbishop Ricardo Cardinal Vidal has reportedly asked President Aquino to create a panel that will discuss the pros and cons of the Reproductive Health Bill. The bad news is: the panel’s recommendations will have to be reviewed by Executive Secretary Paquito Ochoa.

GMA News.TV reported that the Church is eyeing Facebook as another platform against the Reproductive Health Bill. If that happens, that page will likely set the record for the most number of clicks to the “Unlike” button.

Confused Congressman
Interviewed on GMA 7’s Reporter’s Notebook, Negros Occidental Rep. Jules Ledesma was asked if he’s gay. Ledesma answered, “I don’t know. Maybe! Maybe not.” Watching her partner on TV, Assunta da Rossi was like, “My God, did you just make me a lesbian?”

Esquire Says…

Outgoing ABS-CBN News and Current Affairs chief Maria Ressa has been named by Esquire magazine as the Sexiest Woman Alive for Philippines. Rumors say Ressa’s enemies in ABS-CBN will file a complaint against Esquire for baseless and biased reporting.


Belo on Immigration Cards
Reports say the face of cosmetic expert Vicki Belo replaced the image of President Aquino on immigration cards. Apparently, it was an advertisement for the Belo medical clinic. But critics wanted the cards recalled saying tourists might confuse the Philippines for Madame Tussauds.

Just weeks after incurring the ire of President Aquino, the Bureau of Immigration stirred yet another controversy by printing millions of the modified arrival and departure cards, this time with the face of cosmetic expert Vicky Belo. Immigration officials defended their action saying they actually chose between two advertisers: Vicki Belo and Ellen Lising. Sige, mamili kayo!
————————–
“I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.”
~Bob Monkhouse

Enjoy the rest of the week!

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Author: professionalheckler

See About the Heckler

58 thoughts on “YOU’RE SO DEAD!”

    1. Correct!!! Dapat talaga DOT promotions including contact numbers, websites in case of further questions. The immigration arrival and departure cards are supposed to be government forms…it’s no place for private advertising kahit meron bayad ang advertisers. Whoever thought of approaching Belo rode on the fact that Kris A. is a balik-endorser of Belo at akala nila hindi masisita…excuse me nohhh?!!??? Alam kasi nila na itong si Belo lahat sasawsawan…napaka-unethical…pati nga procedure ni Clarice nagphoto-op…kaya hayun…napintasan si Clarice…muntik nang mapahamak sa Glee!

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    3. koorekk! i mean, they thought they were right when they thought of it. ha ha! in fairness, tinanggi na ng Immigration ang factory defect na ‘yan. at pina-cancel na nga ang franchise, ek ek dun sa kumpanya. bakit nga ba ang lakas ng loob na magpa-imprenta nang walang basbas! basbas daw oh! di ba nag-alboroto na si Pnoy dun sa pic nya naka tienda sa unang version ng card? kaya binago. and wonder of all wonder, eer, booboos of all boo-boos si queen belo nga pinalit. what the heck! san ka ba nakakita ng supposed to be government docu e me commercial promo?! tsk! tsk1

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  10. what a symbolic title for maria ressa! the sexiest woman alive for RP! if feisty to the nth degree is sexy, so be it! t’was really omg! when she left cnn years back to get into the abs python pit; i thought that was adventurous and fearless of her! and the rest is history! she really is cut out for absolutely free-willed writing. ang kanyang hibla ay hindi akma sa mundo ng mga may kinikilingan, may kasinungalingan, at may pinoprotektahan! ooops, no quoting! kataon lang! he he.

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    1. If his present governing style will continue, most likely its his head who will roll. We always had a corrupt president in the past and the country survived, But it just sank with incompetent presidents (C. Aquino and Estrada) Based on his past performance, the son even more incompetent than the mother.

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      1. Hi, labs.

        Yes, I agree, mahal ko. Bakit ikaw nalang lagi ang pinagtutuunan ng galit ng iba dyan. Yang naka HALILIng ganda mung yan? Buti pa, babe, labas-bansa ulit tayo. How about Paris again huh? Nuod tayo fashion show. Atsaka, Pakukumpuni ko nga pala yung bagong Ferrari na bigay mo. Ano ba naman, PLASTIC pa rin yata yung dashboard. Natunaw ng mabuhusan ng mainit na kape.

        ANg iyong Irog

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  23. “Interviewed on GMA 7’s Reporter’s Notebook, Negros Occidental Rep. Jules Ledesma was asked if he’s gay. Ledesma answered, “I don’t know. Maybe! Maybe not.” Watching her partner on TV, Assunta da Rossi was like, “My God, did you just make me a lesbian?””

    Hahaha. This is the winner. Made me think though, what if some reporter would be brave enough to ask the same question point blank to Noynoy. I can’t imagine what would be his reactions/reply. 😉

    But if he decides to come out like what Jules did, I will welcome him to the federation with open arms. Though this would not change my opinion that he’s incompetent and incapable of being president. 😉

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    1. i agree someone should ask him in the spirit of openness and transparency if he is gay but i think all those close to him know that he is and either protect him or avoid the subject. at least he would earn my respect. i do not respect the sham he now plays and the victims he hurts. next he will be going out with vicki belo. good pr for her. i used to think she was a transexual the way she looked. she should fire her cosmetic surgeon

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  26. vicki belo – is she there as the hallowen witch. scary if that is what cosmetic surgery does for u, and hardly represenyative of natural philippine beauty. now she has signed up kris aquino all doors are open for abuse at the right price.

    last words. p-noy. puno and i were just good friends.
    or. kris. i hope they bury me next to someone young

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  37. PH, tanong ko lang, dun sa supposed tweet ni Kris Aquino “…i told them to be strong. grabe! bimby cried when i told him na i’ll gonna visit him every nite.” Ganyan ba talaga magtweet si Kris? i mean, grammatically incorrect as in i’ll gonna? kasi matagal ko na siyang di gusto pero lalo akong naturn off kung ganyan siya. haha. oh well…

    pero kung ako kay bimby talagang iiyak ako ng sobra sobra kung dadalawin pa rin ako ng nanay ko. pagkakataon na sanang tumahimik ang buhay pero hindi pa rin pala. hahaha!

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