IT’S FINAL. Congressman Manny Pacquiao is slugging it out with Antonio Margarito in November. That’s the second most exciting “fight” news of the week… next only to the Balay Group vs. Samar Group turf war.

Reports say there are two warring factions in the Aquino Cabinet: the Balay Group identified with defeated vice presidential candidate Mar Roxas, the Liberal Party, and the Hyatt 10; and the Samar Group, composed of allies and loyalists of the Aquino and Cojuangco families, a number of which supported the candidacy of Vice President Jejomar Binay. To give you an idea of how serious the turf war has become, during meetings, Cabinet members do not address Noynoy Aquino as Mr. President. They call him Mr. Referee.

According to reports, there are two warring factions in the Aquino administration: the Balay Group and the Samar Group. Sometimes, they are collectively known as the Communications Group.

Reports say three of the coffins of the victims of the August 23 hostage crisis at Quirino Grandstand were mislabeled. Hong Kong authorities believe the mix-up happened at a funeral parlor in Manila… where two factions of embalmers reportedly work.

Secretary Jesse Robredo revealed that he was not part of the crisis management team that handled the August 23 hostage crisis. Robredo said he was “out of the loop” in the hostage negotiations – something that was understandable since another DILG faction was tasked to handle the situation.

Malacañang recently admitted that Jesse Robredo was asked to focus on local government units while Rico Puno was assigned to handle the police. Therefore, we have a DI Undersecretary and an LG Secretary. Everybody happy?

The Little President
Newsbreak reported that a very drunk Executive Secretary Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa Jr. was seen at the lobby of the Manila Peninsula with an unidentified singer-actress around 2 am last August 27. Ochoa vows to issue a statement on the Newsbreak article as soon as his hangover wears off.

House Speaker Feliciano Belmonte says his protégé, former Quezon City administrator and now, Executive Secretary Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa Jr. is “not a heavy drinker.” In fact, “the last time he got so drunk,” Belmonte said, “Binuhat ko siya. Magaan naman.”

Did you hear the news? According to the Department of Justice, the final moments of the August 23 hostage crisis will be reenacted. Prior to this announcement though, the Professional Heckler received a document from an anonymous source detailing the sequence of events on that fateful day. Here are some excerpts from that unverified document.

1: The negotiation breaks down.

2: Lightning strikes. Thunder roars. Rain falls.

3: Location: Emerald Garden Restaurant. The President orders Yang Chao fried rice, Nanking Beef and Aniseed Beef Tendon.

4: Hong Kong Chief Executive Donald Tsang’s aide calls the President. The President’s aide tells the caller from Hong Kong that he’s in a closed-door meeting.

5: The DILG Secretary monitors the event on TV. He tries to help in the negotiations but is told that the Samar faction of the DILG is in-charge of the situation.

6: RMN’s Erwin Tulfo and Michael Rogas try calling the ‘other’ cell phone of sacked policeman Rolando Mendoza hoping to put him on radio again – live and exclusive! Failing to reach the hostage taker, Tulfo shouts “Put*ng-i*a!”

7: ABS-CBN’s Ron Gagalac manages to hand his cellphone to the hysterical brother of the hostage taker. The brother is interviewed by Ted Failon – live and exclusive on TV Patrol!

8: GMA 7 News bigwigs monitoring the other station sends a text message to Susan Enriquez, “Bakit na-scoopan ka no’ng kabila?”

9: Somewhere in Manila. The Executive Secretary enters an establishment with a sign that reads, “Happy Hour begins at 8.”

10: The police tries to arrest the brother again. But Susan Enriquez sneaks past the cops, and puts the hostage taker’s brother on air – live and exclusive, albeit late on “24 Oras.”

11: Warning shots are fired by the hostage taker.

12: Mel Tiangco gets more hysterical than the hysterical brother of the hostage taker.

13. The DILG Undersecretary in charge of the police arrives and talks with the President – about guns and target shooting.

14: The President finishes his meal and orders Honey Lemonade.

15: More shots are fired.

16: The President orders the Balay faction of the Communications Group to draft a statement regarding the hostage crisis.

17: Isko Moreno puts on his make up as he prepares for his first ever phone-patched interview on CNN.

18: The Samar faction of the Communications Group drafts its own statement for the President.

19: The President is informed that Donald Tsang called. He panics.

20: The driver of the tourist bus escapes, runs, and shouts “Patay na lahat sa bus.”

21: The President panics even more.

22: The media believes the driver.

23: The public believes the media.

24: The SWAT members believe in themselves.

25: The SWAT team attacks the bus with what usiseros describe as “higanteng martilyo.”

26: The whole world witnesses ineptitude in motion.

27: Shots are fired from everywhere.

28: It’s over. The hostage taker is dead.

29: It’s a miracle. There are survivors.

30: Usiseros run toward the crime scene.

31: The powerless DILG Secretary walks toward the crime scene.

32: The powerless DILG Secretary looks more like an usisero.

33: The President and the Communications Group head back to the palace.

34: Isko Moreno is interviewed live by CNN via phone patch.

35: Lightning strikes. Thunder roars. Rain falls.

36: The President chooses between the Balay Group’s and the Samar Group’s official statement.

37: The Executive Secretary downs his final bottle of beer. He proceeds to Malacañang for the press conference.

38: An official statement is posted on the President’s official website.

39: Members of the media gather at the briefing room.

40: The President enters the briefing room.

41: No official statement is read.

42: Both factions happy?

43. The President answers questions from the media.

44: The President partly blames the media.

45: The President smiles.

46: Hong Kong nationals search the President’s Like Page on Facebook.

47: Disappointments. Fury. Wrath.

48: Briefing is over.

49. The Executive Secretary walks toward the kitchen and looks for a bottle of beer.

50: Lightning strikes. Thunder roars. Rain falls.

—End of Report—

“Factions are a sign of illness in a party.”
~ Ernest Mandel

Survey Says
Sa iyong palagay, ano ang dapat naging aksyon ng pangulo noong kasagsagan ng hostage crisis?
– Tama lang na low-key siya nang time na ‘yon. 33%
– Dapat mas maaga siyang nagpakita sa publiko. 65%
– Wala akong pakialam. 2%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Have a great weekend!

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Author: professionalheckler

See About the Heckler

95 thoughts on “FACTION, FACTION”

  1. Seriously, I think people are making too much of a deal about the hostage-taking crisis because it involved tourists. If Filipinos were the ones held hostage, I don’t think the public would be as disgusted. I hope I am wrong on this though, but how many of our friends have we heard say something like ‘Oh no, I can’t go to HongKong’, or, ‘Nakakahiya naman tayo sa ibang mga bansa’?

    When those Morong health service people were detained, I don’t think there was an uproar from a huge number of Filipinos. I’m not saying that there should be not much reaction to the hostage-taking. What I’m saying is that we have not been very fair to ourselves. When a corruption scandal surfaces in our nation, we treat it as just another day in the Philippines. If we are to be outraged by the hostage crisis, we should similarly, or even be more enraged as each case of corruption comes up. Perhaps we don’t see corruption as something that kills people, but can we imagine how many lives could have been better if, say, the fertilizer scam did not happen?

    Are we okay as long as we are violent and mean to our fellow Filipinos but not to tourists? I hope not, but I think we are mean to our countrymen. When Charice was going to appear in Glee, while the rest of the world was happy about the news, the Filipinos were like ‘Oh my gosh, but she doesn’t speak good English, and she might embarrass us all’. And when Venus Raj failed to give an excellent answer during the final interview, people started saying that we sent a jejemon to the competition. Sigh.


    1. I can only say “AMEN” to your observations Ms. mel. Maybe we Filipinos have to be moved by something very earthshaking again (more earthshaking than the killing of Ninoy Aquino in 1983, Maguindanao massacre in 2009, the recent expose’ on excesses of our GOCCs in the last decade ) to wake us up from our lethargy, apathy. Kaya nga ang mga corrupt hindi nahihiya, tingnan mo na lang si GMA at former FG, mga opisyales ni GMA. Yes, i also feel bad on how the seeming majority of us Filipinos didn’t appreciate Venus Raj after the Ms. Universe competition…piag-uuulan ng sarcasm at batikos.


    2. Nakakahiya naman talaga yung hostage crisis e. Masyado siyang visible. Dapat naman talaga magreklamo sa gobyerno dahil sa ginagawa nila.

      Pero kay Venus Raj naman, proud ako sa kaniya. Nakakatuwa siya kasi positive ang personality niya. And in the first place, yung question niya e mahirap talaga. Open ended unlike yung sa iba na obvious ang sagot. Kayang kayang sagutin ni Venus yung ibang questions pero I doubt kung masagot nung ibang candidates yung question niya. =) Saka hit na ngayon ang “major major”. I don’t think it is a criticism against Venus. hehehe


  2. kaya nga dahil sa faction, factions na yan, plus pa yan sa
    communications group ha, nagkakandaewan ang kanilang
    mga pahayag, pati si noynoy sa oras na magsalita, parang
    ubod na ng kasinungalingan, litonglito na kung alin ang
    kanyang sasabihin….

    pero ikaw mister heckler, super galing mo, pati mga quotes
    sa bawat topic ay swak na swak, hats off to you talaga…


    1. You know how it goes when one starts telling a lie. One has to lie again to support the lie, lie further to cover up the lies, and the lying never stops. That’s what happened to Pnoy. Too proud and haughty to admit a minor mistake, that he resorted to lies and endless lying which shamed all of us to the rest of the world.


  3. nyahaha kulet ng rundown, sir ph di ata nakaabot sa post mo ung news sa saksi kagabi na willing daw makipag-usap si pnoy sa hostage taker. kung pagbabasehan ang mga ginawa nya dati sa kaso ng hacienda luisita at performance nya as a congressman at senator sa term ni gma, mas madaling paniwalaan na wala talaga syang ginawa hehehe

    sana lang maraming mabola…


    1. Ano ka pa, e si Coco Quisumbing nga, sa CR nagpapa-interview habang nagmemake-up. Pero sa totohanan lang ha, Isko Moreno did very well during the hostage-taking. If one evaluates the results, many positive results came out because of his focused performance, without funfare. Sana habang nagtatrabaho siya ng nasa teritoryo niya, ang ibang MGA responsableng opisyal ay nagtatrabaho rin nang sabay upang maresolba ang hostage-taking. Nasaan ang DILG (Robredo, Puno, Versoza atbp.?)?


  4. Naniniwala ka ba nandun si pnoy sa emerald nun? Initial interviews revealed that robredo was there, not pnoy… baka may faction din ang ongoing investigation??? at kung andun man sya sa emerald, bakit naman hindi sya nagorder ng siopao???!!?? Yun ang masarap sa emerald.


      1. Nagra ragnarok daw… Mataas na nag score kay a Hindi pwedeng istorbohin. Noong tumawag si Donald Tsang na Administrator ng Special Administrative Region ng Hong Kong, sabi ni Noy kay Jojo Ochoa… Tsong si Tsang daw! Nung hindi maintindihan ni Jojo kasi senglot na siya at masama nag ingles ni Tsang, ipinasa sa cook ng Emerald. Akala gustung umorder ng take out!


    1. agree. good thing i voted for another candidate…so not among the almost 14 million Filipinos you mentioned. if gibo had been president, i’m sure things would have been handled very different…during and after the tragedy.

      i just hope that President Noynoy gets his house in order…and soon! geez, they can’t even get their press releases right!!!


      1. Okay. I was glued to ABS-CBN because in the recent months, lalo na during the last elections, di ko gusto mag-cover at mag-interview si Mike Enriquez. Okay reports nina Ces D. at Lynda J. kahit di ko masyado like si Ted F. kasi hindi straight news magdeliver. Last August 23, nakababad ako sa DZMM at TV Patrol…shocked ako! Kaya pinaglipat-lipat ko sa ABS, GMA, TV5. Kung tutuusin, nagulat nga ako k Mike Enriquez kasi kalmadong-kalmado siyang magreport, hindi siya ang usual self niya. Palipat-lipat ako sa ABS, GMA, TV5 after ma-shock ako sa coverage ng ABS sa aresto ng kapatid ng hostage-taker. Hindi ko natiyempuhan ang sinasabi mo tungkol kay Mel Tiangco.


      2. Sorry PH, nagkamali ako, buti na-edit mo comment ko. What I meant was the exclusive interview to ABS-CBN granted by Lacierda just before one of his earliest press conference. Nabisto iyon mg mga reporters kaya nagalit sila. Dami rin kasing nagbintang that it was Ricky Carangdang who made it possible.


  5. Ang ABS-CBN nga, ilang ulit nang bistado humihingi ng exclusive interview. Iyang reporter nila unang napuruhan ni Coco Q.. At baka nga pati si Kris ginagamit ng mga iyan para maka-exclusive. Sa totohanan, higit maraming palpak ang ABS kaysa GMA noong gabi ng Agosto 23. Pakinggan mo magreport ng exclusive interview ang ABS pagkatapos ng gag order ni Sec. de Lima. Start nila ang report ng…”at heto po ang isang exklusibong report na nakalap bago magbigay ng gag order si Sec. de Lima….” 2 o 3 araw na ang gag order, ganoon pa rin ang intro nila. Mr. PH, Ikaw ha? Hindi ka patas.


    1. Sorry PH, nagkamali ako, buti na-edit mo comment ko rito. Exclusive interview with Sec. Lacierda at CHR Comm. Coco Quisumbing ang ibig kong sabihin. What I meant was the exclusive interview to ABS-CBN granted by Lacierda just before one of his earliest press conferences. Nabisto iyon mg mga reporters kaya nagalit sila. Dami rin kasing nagbintang that it was Ricky Carangdang who made it possible. Iyon namang kay Coco Quisumbing, nabisto nang ininterview ni Ted Failon si Comm. Coco Q. when she apologised on air. Si Comm. Coco ang nagmention na pinagbigyan/accommodate nga niya ang request ni Ted Failon na mainterview ng ABS-CBN reporter bago simulan ang kanyang press conference. Dahil kulang sa oras, pinapasok niya sa CR habang nagme-make-up siya bago humarap sa presscon. Natameme nang konti si Ted F., nabuking. He-he!


    1. that’s a racist and callous comment. the chinese may “look all alike’ to you but certainly not to their grieving loved ones.

      a little respect for those tourists, who came here to enjoy themselves and SPEND their money here in our country, just to end up dead because of the blotched handling of the hostage crisis. the mix up of the coffins, i think, confirms the perceived ineptitude of some people.


    1. it’s okay john with sec. de lima’s diction; she’s just easy at it. what we see here, and obviously about to see more in the coming days, is but a bundle of bungles; a revelation and attestation of our ineptitude, per se, resulting from our own mixed (up) emotions and culture. may be in the quiet of our mind and soul, (when we’re not heckling and laughing; we need this, by the way!) ) we should think of how we could help as a people. As for Pnoy, at the rate he’s going (through his so-called president’s men), mukhang kailangan nyang i-review, redesign, re-structure, re-align, re-construct, revise, ano pa ba?, ang kanyang cabinet, to save him from further getting into the quicksand of misgovernance. But will he have balls, or the wit, to do it?


  6. This Ochoa guy really has to go. This early he is a disgrace to P-Noy. One would think that being a former classmate of P-Noy and being highly recommended by his former boss, now Congressman and Speaker Sonny Belmonte, he would be in his best decorum. The president had received a lot of flak from Ochoa’s first E.O.s (by the way, is he really that intelligent, hand-on and thorough?), now he’s giving P-Noy another headache with his drinking habit. Dapat yata kay Erap siya nag-apply sa midnight cabinet ni Erap when Erap was president. Mr. Ochoa’s drinking at an office within Malacanang right after the inauguration was a big no-no already, now drinking in public even at an unholy hour, even after office hours is also a big no-no considering his position and also at a time when the president and his men were receiving a lot of flak from the public over the hostage-taking tragedy. Mr. Ochoa is said to be camera-shy, shuns interviews (or doesn’t want to receive any flak…less talk, less mistakes?). But he isn’t shy with his shameful drinking habit? He doesn’t hold a candle to many former executive secretaries in the past regimes. Many of my friends are also with me here when I say that P-Noy just has to let go of Ochoa this early. The President, if under pressure to give Mr. Ochoa a position, maybe can give him the position of presidential liaison to Congress. Anyway his former boss, Speaker Belmonte, is on top of things there and maybe, just maybe, he’d behave wrt his drinking habit.


    1. I totally agree with you. Nasakripisyo ang mga Pilipino dahil sa pagbabayad ng political debts na yan. Marami dyan ang hindi sisibakin ni PNoy dahil sa personal niyang utang—kaya nga ba inako na niya ang sisi ngaoyn. to save the heads of his friends. How unfair to the Filipino people if we are all led by inept friends


  7. mel and pdavid, i beg to disagree sa inyong dalawa, wala namang
    ganuong negative na pinagsasabi against charice and venus ah,
    or baka naman we are reading different newspapers, looking at
    different tv stations, hearing from different radio programs, pero,
    wala talaga, as a whole, the pilipino people i think is very proud of
    both charice and venus….

    tungkol naman sa hostage-taking, the issue here is not so much
    on the death of tourists or any nationality for that matter but how
    the situation was handled by our government that could have
    prevented their deaths….


  8. impossible to prove, but i have a theory that if the bus was full of filipinos that it would have ended diffierently. foreigners are just that – foreign and those with another language and culture are easier to disassociate with. i am not saying it is right (and it isn’t), but i think that mendoza would not have killed pinoys and conversely was willing to kill the hongkies because they were not his own people. but who knows, if he’d gone berserk (i.e. ‘nagdilim ang paningin’) then any logic or psychology is out of the question.


  9. Since the incident involved tourist, the secretary of tourism should have participated in the negotiations to show the world that we care for the safety of tourist. He could have offered him a job to head the security force of the D.O.T. with all benefits he can imagine! Sayang he missed his chance to save the country of billions in opportunity loss for the country. Mahirap kung unfair open skies lang ang kanyang focus!


    1. no way sir robert… scary ang “suggestment” mo to re-hire that hostage taker at all. with such tendency and frame of mind (as in violent mindset kapag di nakuha ang gusto!), extremely at risk all the more ang mga incoming tourists… baka tuluyang ma-delete ang DOT sa cabinet list. what we really needed then was skill and expertise in handling that situation which we apparently did not have, or, if at all, just failed to exercise… due to system paralysis?


  10. PNoy says that he takes responsibility for the incident. Also, according to one of the members og the De Lima investigation panel, it appears from the evidence that four hostages died during the rescue attempt. So at least four innocent tourists died in an incident where PNoy admitted ultimate responsibility… So what happens now? Is he willing to resign o pa cute lang yun?


  11. There’s nothing funny about this incident at all, if ever, it just exposed our weaknesses, our disunity, and uncanny ability to disassociate ourselves from the being Filipinos…
    …we should be asking the question “what can I do to help?”
    shame on you! the right reaction would have been to suck it up and turn this incident into an impetus to improve…laughing about things like this only make look stupid and we will never learn…this is a serious matter!
    …now somebody please direct me to the senate hearing, I need the comic relief…


  12. magagaling tayong manghusga sa kapwa sa tutoo lang,,nakikita natin dumi ng iba,,hindi tayo kumikilos para magkaisa at matuto sa mga kapalpakan,,yung iba pagtatawanan pa..masahol pa sa malansang isda..ang pilipino hindi magkukusang kumilos kundi direktang apektado..tapos magtatanong ang iba kung bakit di tayo umuunlad?? pwe!!


  13. @mike

    ang pagsasabi ng sariling opinion ay hindi panghuhusga.
    may kanya-kanya tayo ng pananaw sa mga pangyayari,
    may nagagalit,mayroong hindi.at dito ay isa sa mga site
    na pwedeng sabihin ng kahit na sino ang kahit na anong
    opinion nya.
    kung hindi kaya ng puso mong magbasa…go away
    walang basagan ng trip!!!!


  14. I used to enjoy PH’s comment section. But ngayon nakakasawa na! Let’s stop beating the proverbial dead horse and move on.

    For those Pnoy bashers: we’re stuck with him, so live with it! No amount of name-calling and whining will change anything.

    Sulong Pinoy kahit si Pnoy presidente natin!


      1. @phoenix Mas bugoy ka, bakit? Alam mo, kahit magsisisigaw ka sa giitna ng kalsada o punuin mo man ng anti PNOY comments ang internet…ala ka nang magagawa dahil siya ang pinili ng karamihan ng mga Pilipino. Kung di ka masaya sa bansang Pilipinas…eh di gumawa ka ng sarili mong bansa at gawin mong presidente sarili mo yaman din lang na mas maalam ka ke PNOY (isama mo na rin sampu ng mga uri nyong meron kaparehong pananaw).

        Ngayon kung gusto mong ipag-gitgitan ang sarili mo sa bansang Pilipinas, welcome kang bantayan ang mga kilos ni PNOY at ilista lahat ng kamalian nya hanggang makakita ka ng impeachable offense…happy ka na? Hayyy…


  15. all i can say is that let’s just put things aside coz wala rin naman tayong magagawa.. mangyari na ang nangyari.. well we can’t change anything.. let’s just put it as a lesson to learn.. well kung sana naman may lesson ngang nalearn.. but what i’m saying is that let’s just move on and face the consequences.. panatagan natin ang ating sarili and let’s not lose hope just because one sad and hideous thing happened.. i can’t blame why ang dami ang ngreact coz i myself was so shocked of what had happened.. so yeah.. 🙂


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