IT’S FINAL. Congressman Manny Pacquiao is slugging it out with Antonio Margarito in November. That’s the second most exciting “fight” news of the week… next only to the Balay Group vs. Samar Group turf war.
Reports say there are two warring factions in the Aquino Cabinet: the Balay Group identified with defeated vice presidential candidate Mar Roxas, the Liberal Party, and the Hyatt 10; and the Samar Group, composed of allies and loyalists of the Aquino and Cojuangco families, a number of which supported the candidacy of Vice President Jejomar Binay. To give you an idea of how serious the turf war has become, during meetings, Cabinet members do not address Noynoy Aquino as Mr. President. They call him Mr. Referee.
According to reports, there are two warring factions in the Aquino administration: the Balay Group and the Samar Group. Sometimes, they are collectively known as the Communications Group.
Reports say three of the coffins of the victims of the August 23 hostage crisis at Quirino Grandstand were mislabeled. Hong Kong authorities believe the mix-up happened at a funeral parlor in Manila… where two factions of embalmers reportedly work.
Secretary Jesse Robredo revealed that he was not part of the crisis management team that handled the August 23 hostage crisis. Robredo said he was “out of the loop” in the hostage negotiations – something that was understandable since another DILG faction was tasked to handle the situation.
Malacañang recently admitted that Jesse Robredo was asked to focus on local government units while Rico Puno was assigned to handle the police. Therefore, we have a DI Undersecretary and an LG Secretary. Everybody happy?
The Little President
Newsbreak reported that a very drunk Executive Secretary Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa Jr. was seen at the lobby of the Manila Peninsula with an unidentified singer-actress around 2 am last August 27. Ochoa vows to issue a statement on the Newsbreak article as soon as his hangover wears off.
House Speaker Feliciano Belmonte says his protégé, former Quezon City administrator and now, Executive Secretary Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa Jr. is “not a heavy drinker.” In fact, “the last time he got so drunk,” Belmonte said, “Binuhat ko siya. Magaan naman.”
Did you hear the news? According to the Department of Justice, the final moments of the August 23 hostage crisis will be reenacted. Prior to this announcement though, the Professional Heckler received a document from an anonymous source detailing the sequence of events on that fateful day. Here are some excerpts from that unverified document.
1: The negotiation breaks down.
2: Lightning strikes. Thunder roars. Rain falls.
3: Location: Emerald Garden Restaurant. The President orders Yang Chao fried rice, Nanking Beef and Aniseed Beef Tendon.
4: Hong Kong Chief Executive Donald Tsang’s aide calls the President. The President’s aide tells the caller from Hong Kong that he’s in a closed-door meeting.
5: The DILG Secretary monitors the event on TV. He tries to help in the negotiations but is told that the Samar faction of the DILG is in-charge of the situation.
6: RMN’s Erwin Tulfo and Michael Rogas try calling the ‘other’ cell phone of sacked policeman Rolando Mendoza hoping to put him on radio again – live and exclusive! Failing to reach the hostage taker, Tulfo shouts “Put*ng-i*a!”
7: ABS-CBN’s Ron Gagalac manages to hand his cellphone to the hysterical brother of the hostage taker. The brother is interviewed by Ted Failon – live and exclusive on TV Patrol!
8: GMA 7 News bigwigs monitoring the other station sends a text message to Susan Enriquez, “Bakit na-scoopan ka no’ng kabila?”
9: Somewhere in Manila. The Executive Secretary enters an establishment with a sign that reads, “Happy Hour begins at 8.”
10: The police tries to arrest the brother again. But Susan Enriquez sneaks past the cops, and puts the hostage taker’s brother on air – live and exclusive, albeit late on “24 Oras.”
11: Warning shots are fired by the hostage taker.
12: Mel Tiangco gets more hysterical than the hysterical brother of the hostage taker.
13. The DILG Undersecretary in charge of the police arrives and talks with the President – about guns and target shooting.
14: The President finishes his meal and orders Honey Lemonade.
15: More shots are fired.
16: The President orders the Balay faction of the Communications Group to draft a statement regarding the hostage crisis.
17: Isko Moreno puts on his make up as he prepares for his first ever phone-patched interview on CNN.
18: The Samar faction of the Communications Group drafts its own statement for the President.
19: The President is informed that Donald Tsang called. He panics.
20: The driver of the tourist bus escapes, runs, and shouts “Patay na lahat sa bus.”
21: The President panics even more.
22: The media believes the driver.
23: The public believes the media.
24: The SWAT members believe in themselves.
25: The SWAT team attacks the bus with what usiseros describe as “higanteng martilyo.”
26: The whole world witnesses ineptitude in motion.
27: Shots are fired from everywhere.
28: It’s over. The hostage taker is dead.
29: It’s a miracle. There are survivors.
30: Usiseros run toward the crime scene.
31: The powerless DILG Secretary walks toward the crime scene.
32: The powerless DILG Secretary looks more like an usisero.
33: The President and the Communications Group head back to the palace.
34: Isko Moreno is interviewed live by CNN via phone patch.
35: Lightning strikes. Thunder roars. Rain falls.
36: The President chooses between the Balay Group’s and the Samar Group’s official statement.
37: The Executive Secretary downs his final bottle of beer. He proceeds to Malacañang for the press conference.
38: An official statement is posted on the President’s official website.
39: Members of the media gather at the briefing room.
40: The President enters the briefing room.
41: No official statement is read.
42: Both factions happy?
43. The President answers questions from the media.
44: The President partly blames the media.
45: The President smiles.
46: Hong Kong nationals search the President’s Like Page on Facebook.
47: Disappointments. Fury. Wrath.
48: Briefing is over.
49. The Executive Secretary walks toward the kitchen and looks for a bottle of beer.
50: Lightning strikes. Thunder roars. Rain falls.
—End of Report—
“Factions are a sign of illness in a party.”
~ Ernest Mandel
Sa iyong palagay, ano ang dapat naging aksyon ng pangulo noong kasagsagan ng hostage crisis?
– Tama lang na low-key siya nang time na ‘yon. 33%
– Dapat mas maaga siyang nagpakita sa publiko. 65%
– Wala akong pakialam. 2%
We have a new survey. Please vote now.
Have a great weekend!