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KRIS AQUINO’S SONA

18 07 2010

Miriam Sues
Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago has filed a P1.6-million damage suit against American Airlines for a delayed flight to Los Angeles two years ago during which she fell sick. American Airlines has issued a statement expressing shock at Santiago’s delayed reaction.

Too Late
Almost a month after CIBAC party list representative Joel Villanueva’s term ended, the Supreme Court ruled that he was not eligible for a House seat because he was over the age limit for a youth sector representative. In case you’re wondering what the acronym CIBAC stands for, it means Congressman Ineligible But Allotted CDF.

Former CIBAC party list representative Joel Villanueva, a son of evangelist and defeated presidential candidate Eddie Villanueva has been appointed director-general of the Technical Education and Skills Development Authority or TESDA. His appointment came as a bit of a surprise mainly because his father has yet to concede defeat to Noynoy.

Charge GMA
A survey conducted by the Makati-based StratPOLLS showed that 7 out of 10 Filipinos in Metro Manila wanted former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo to be charged in court. Yup, 7 out of 10. The other three were Mikey, Dato, and Luli.

Preparing for SONA
President Aquino has started preparing for his first ever State of the Nation Address on July 26. In fact, this coming week he’ll be meeting with his cabinet members, speechwriters, and Paul Cabral.

Preparing for SONA II
The Philippine National Police has conducted a drill in preparation for President Aquino’s SONA next week. The cops were given instructions on how to provide security for special guests; how to handle militant protesters, and how to prevent a clash between Team Lacierda and Team Juana Change.

Kris to Miss Noy’s SONA
Currently vacationing in the US with her kids, Kris Aquino won’t be present when her Kuya Noy delivers his first State of the Nation Address on July 26. However, she promises to show up on ‘The Buzz’ come August 1 to deliver her “State of My Marriage Address.”

Top 12 Things Kris Aquino Would (Not) Say In Her SONA If She Were President

No. 12: “To my ABS-CBN family, Mr. Gabby Lopez, Ma’am Charo, Tita Cory Vidanes, Tita Malou Santos, Ms. Mariole Alberto, Deo Endrinal, Linggit Tan, and of course, my ‘Buzz’ and ‘SNN’ pals Boy Abunda, Ian Reyno and everyone na nandito ngayon sa Batasan, I wouldn’t be standing here if not for your full support. Thank you so much. Promise, babalik ako. Soon! (Gallery shouts: We love you Kris!!!) Wow, pati pala talents ng Star Magic andito lahat, Mr. M, thank you very much. Wait, is that Ai-ai in yellow? I love you friendsheeeeeep!”

No. 11: “With finality I can say, ako, sumuko na. Officially, mula po bukas ang buong bansa ay wala nang First Gentleman.”

No. 10: “Bago po ako humarap sa inyong lahat ngayong hapon, kinunsulta ko po muna sina Ate Ballsy, Ate Pinky, Kuya Noy, and Viel.”

No. 9: “Financially, aaminin ko po, malaki ang budget deficit natin. Pero willing po akong idonate sa kaban ng bayan ang kikitain ko sa susunod kong tatlong commercials.”

No. 8: “Today, I formally declare my support for sex education and the Reproductive Health Bill. Kung may sex education po noong time na estudyante pa ako, former Parañaque City Mayor Joey Marquez would have not infected me with STD, at malamang, hindi po ganito ang estado ng aking married life ngayon.”

No. 7: “Mula nang ako ay maupong presidente, wala pong hinto ang batikos sa akin at sa aming angkan. Sige na ho, gamitin n’yo ko talaga kung gusto niyong sirain ang aming pamilya. Kung ako na lang ang kasiraan ng Aquino at Cojuangco clan, sige gamitin n’yo po ako. Pero pwede ko pong ipagmalaki, mabuti ang pamilya namin. Nagmamahalan po ang pamilya namin. At minamahal po namin ang bayan natin kaya po lahat ng ito pinagdadaanan namin.”

No. 6: “Ipinapangako ko pong magiging pantay ako sa pagpili ng National Artists unlike my predecessor. Kaya’t upang walang masaktan at walang inggitan, sige… sabay-sabay na lang sila. Congratulations to Paul Cabral, JC Buendia, and Randy Ortiz, our National Artists for Fashion! Good work girls!”

No. 5: “Last night, nakausap po namin ni Boy si Mr. Manny Pangilinan. (Hi MVP, I know you’re watching!) At bilang pagpapahalaga sa aming pagkakaibigan, pumayag po siyang ibaba ng Meralco ang singil sa kuryente! And not only that! For the next six months, unlimited po ang text ng Smart sa lahat ng networks! Simply amazing talaga! Grabeh! Pero ‘wag pong malungkot ang Globe subscribers! Kahapon, I had dinner with Mr. Jaime Zobel De Ayala and his wife Lizzie. JAZA told me na may unlimited calls promo ang Globe to all networks for three months! Promise! Sa mga Sun Cellular subscribers, give me until tomorrow. Kakausapin ko pa ‘yung tatay ng ahas sa Galleria. Just kidding! Hi Lance! Hi Robina! Love love tayo huh!”

No. 4: “Sa mga lugar sa malalayong probinsya na walang libreng medical care, walang libreng school supplies, walang libreng sine, walang birthday gift, at kung anu-ano pang perks and freebies, huwag kayong mag-alala, lahat ng ‘yan ay tutuparin ni Tito Jojo Binay… sa 2016. Konting tiyaga. Six years na lang.”

No. 3: “Sinusuportahan ko po ang sinimulang training ni Pangulong Arroyo sa mga supermaids na ipapadala sa ibang bansa. At upang matiyak na masipag, may takot, at marunong sumunod sa utos ang mga maids, itatalaga ko po bilang direktor ng itatatag na ‘Supermaid Skills Training Administration’ ang aking friend, si Korina Sanchez. Love you Ate Koring. Peace! Sorry Pareng Bong but your sister Princess was overqualified.”

No. 2: “I am not perfect, and I will never be perfect. But I’m not a liar at hindi po ako masamang tao. Gusto ko gano’n din ang mga senador at kongresista. Kaya’t bago ko irelease ang Countrywide Development Fund at Internal Revenue Allotment, gusto kong malaman kung saan n’yo ito gagamitin. At para matiyak na nagsasabi kayo ng totoo, you’ll have to undergo a lie detector test. Bestfriend Sweet, John Lapus, I need your help on this one. Kaya sa inyong lahat na nandito ngayon sa Batasan… ‘Don’t Lie To Me.’ Aha-ha-ha! Gosh, this is fun!”

And the No. 1 thing Kris Aquino would (not) say in her SONA if she were president…

“Nag-promise po ako kay Noy na ‘di na ko masyadong magsasalita pero since this is my SONA, I can say whatever I want. ‘Tsaka ‘di ba I told you before na I may be anything but I’m not a liar? So, ladies and gentlemen, narito po ang listahan ng mga magnanakaw sa aking administrasyon. This is in random order. Let’s start with the Department of…”

In Other News…
Organizations allied with the ‘Reaffirmist’ group of CPP-NPA Founder Jose Ma. Sison have expressed strong opposition to the appointment of known ‘Rejectionist’ and former Akbayan Representative Loretta Ann Rosales as chair of the Commission on Human Rights. In totally unrelated news, mathematicians discovered that a triangle has three sides.

Secretary Abad
Today, July 18, the Philippine Star published a story on Florencio ‘Butch’ Abad. Yup, the government has found a new budget secretary. The only thing missing now is the budget.

Am-boat sa Imo!
A boat carrying ABS-CBN reporter Niko Baua and GMA-7 reporter Emil Sumangil, and their respective crews capsized off the shoreline of Limay town in Bataan – the site of a reported oil spill Saturday morning. Rumors say the vessel lost its stability when the reporters fought as to which TV network was better. As the boat capsized, the argument continued with Baua shouting, “Naglilingkod sa inyo saan man sa mundoooo!” and Sumangil yelling, “Ito ang serbisyong totoooooooo!”
———————–
“One must be frank to be relevant.”
~Corazon Aquino

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40 responses

18 07 2010
banker

baka hindi 1st..

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18 07 2010
banker

perst ulit! Jahoo!

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18 07 2010
john

PH… 😀 😀 😀 !!!!

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18 07 2010
phreddox

heheh ang gulo mo talaga PH!

Nasaan na nga ba ang budget?

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18 07 2010
Brixter

Re: capsizing boat with reporters.

Napanood ko ito sa ch 7 sa 24 oras. News worthy ba ito? Ano ngayon kung tumaob yung bangka at nabasa yung equipments nila? Part naman ng trabaho nila yan sa pagkuha ng news. At naligtas naman sila. Di naman ikauunlad ng bansa ang “news” na ito. Buti sa TV Patrol hindi lumabas yung story na ito. Gusto lang magpa-drama ng GMA 7. WHATEVER!!!

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19 07 2010
Belisema

achecheee!! bka ndi lang nahabol ng tv patrol. abs pa..so tabloid. yung pekeng bedyu nga ng solar eclipse, pinalabas nga, at kahit yung nakaw ng bedyu ng eye2eye ay ipinalabas nga… 😀

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18 07 2010
etchosera

as usual, pag si Kristeta ang topic, riot talaga!

Pambansang Katatawanan ang lola nyo!

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18 07 2010
sam

disgusting tlga this kris aquino. ewww…..

panalo ka tlga PH. Walang KUpas!

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18 07 2010
bella

@ brixter: Of course it’s news. hindi ba pag ordinaryong bangka ang lumubog ibinabalita. It just shows that GMA is concerned about its people, ang dos no mention, parang hindi man lang pinahalagahan yung sakrispisyo ng mga tao nila na muntik nang malagay sa alanganin. naaksidente na nga at lahat, nasayang pa yung coverage nila dahil hindi inilabas. but pa nga sa siyete, napanood yung mga tao ng dos.

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18 07 2010
rhozza

huh? bakit di naman magiging istorya yun? ipinapakita lang nila kung gaano kahirap ang trabaho ng paghahatid ng balita sa mga ating mga Pilipino na kahit na anong hirap at kahit malagay sa alanganin ang buhay nila ginagawa pa rin nila ang kanilang trabaho.

hindi nagpapadrama ang gma. maaaring walang video ang abs-cbn kaya hindi nila nagawan ng news item.

konting pagpapahalaga sa mga broadcast journalists or kahit na sinong miyembro ng media.

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19 07 2010
j.francisco

PH: ang di nakita, andun din ang team ng News5, pero was on a safe area when it happened, pero di tutoo na tatawa tawa ang team ng TV5 thinking na senyales iyun ha heheh (joke only)

seryosong BTW, nagulat ako sa sinulat mo regarding Paul Mortel. Kaya pala di na siya nagpapadala ng mga sulat lately.

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19 07 2010
professionalheckler

alamat na talaga si mr. paul mortel. sino pa ba ang masipag magsulat ng LTTE?

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19 07 2010
topdog

mabuti na lang at hindi hinigit ng ABS 2 and GMA7 ung crew ng News5…

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19 07 2010
Brixter

Oh Cmon?? Instead of delivering news, they post this segment about their boat capsizing. And it’s not due to the weather, or anything even related to the topic in the first place, someone just moved and made the boat unstable therefore capsizing.

Are they safe? Yes. Did we learn something new about the situation in Bataan? NO. It’s a waste of 5 mins news airtime IMO.

There are more news worthy events than this. I’d rather not see this in the show. All they’re saying is, “Whoops, tumaob bangka namin. Pero don’t worry ok naman kami.”….. Umm, ok. So what? Smells like sensationalism.

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19 07 2010
Belisema

wag kang mag-ala2 magpapalabas din ang tvpatrol nyan.. hahanap lang ng pekeng bedyu tulad ng ginawa nila noon sa solar eclipse sa mindanao. papatalo ba ang abs.. khit nga summa na naging dancer, kunwari may bedyu na ndi pinakita ang mukha 😀

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19 07 2010
senior60

click ako doon sa ‘how to prevent a clash between team lacierda
and team juana change’, pareha pala kami ng concern ni juana
tungkol sa dalawang abad sa cabinete ni noynoy, at ngayon ko
lang nalaman na father and daughter pala sila…

yung dalawang ochoa, magka anoano kaya sila….

Like

19 07 2010
Paul

There are four Abads occupying high government positions all from one nuclear family. The only tagalog word to diescribe the set-up is “mga walang hiya” This admistration is starting to look like the previous ones.

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20 07 2010
rainier_gonzalo

Read the Inquirer’s article today on the Abad family. If anybody can approximate their experience, qualifications and academic training then puede kayong magreklamo.

Pero kung nang-heckle lang kayo, hintayin na lng natin ang performance nila kung deserving ba sila sa kanilang appointment.

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22 07 2010
DEL

@rainier_gonzalo-ano ba middle name mo? Abad????

Like

19 07 2010
James Yap prays for a miracle to save marriage | Get The Ex Back Now

[…] KRIS AQUINO'S SONA « The Professional Heckler […]

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19 07 2010
etchosera

Today, July 18, the Philippine Star published a story on Florencio ‘Butch’ Abad. Yup, the government has found a new budget secretary. The only thing missing now is the budget.

Bwahahahaha! T

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19 07 2010
phreddox

Re: Boat capsizing news. Just wondering…

Nandun ba si Jessica Soho? heheh

Like

19 07 2010
topdog

nagcapsize ang boat ng ABS 2 and GMA 7… yoong pagcapsize ng boat, hindi news. Yoong pag-aagawan ng cameramen for nice shots at nagcapsize sila, yoon ang news. Kung na-accident sila, that’s the bigger sorry news. The biggest news was if hinigit ng ABS 2 and GMA 7 ang nakatambay lang na NEWS5 crew sa pag-capsize…

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19 07 2010
orgasm writer

Aquino is so funny.

I’m not familiar with the one with the CPP.

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20 07 2010
FreeSince09

Yeah, I’m RA pero I don’t get the triangle part.

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19 07 2010
sachi

it’s inevitable, kristeta will be a political figure in the near future, (or political joke as you say ;p) she’s been hinting a few times. i obviously read her (kristeta fan? not! baby james’ fan? guilty!) you must give it to the lady, she never fails to amuse us or annoy us. either way, we elicit reaction. it’s hard to ignore her.

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20 07 2010
Zashime

another good job PH, thumbs up for this…

Like

20 07 2010
Bunny

Oh gosh!
I just tried the speech function in my mac to read this entry.
Nalowkah ako!
Sa lahat ng naka-macs, try nyo!
I’m sure matatawa kayo!
Lalo na sa speech ni Kris A.

Like

20 07 2010
Dawn

“his” Kuya Noy?

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20 07 2010
professionalheckler

thanks!

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20 07 2010
senior60

brixter, sabihin mo, maka abs ka lang talaga, at ano ang
newsworthy na news, ang tungkol kay kris?

sina worried pinoy at religiousboy naman nananahimik,

siguro naghihintay ng controversial posts ko, kaya this

is for the two of you…

may mas masahol pa ba kay sa pag-utos ni aquino kay
de lima na tingnan ang whatever tungkol kay trillanes?

di ba kasi, kulang pa ang kanilang numbers para mapa
kay kiko ang senate presidency, kaya nanigurado lang
naman si noynoy..

pero huwag silang makakasiguro dahil si miriam ay
nakaabang na para harangin si trillanes hahaha masaya
ito….

Like

20 07 2010
senior60

‘This administration is starting to look like the previous ones”
sabi ni paul…

malamang, ang sigurado lang na difference ay between arroyo
and noynoy themselves, while arroyo is perceived to be corrupt,
si noynoy naman ay sure winner sa pagka hindi, na i think will
be his saving grace…

Like

20 07 2010
checkmate

sir senior60, looks can be deceiving, talaga palang kumapit sa mga kababayan natin ung mga campaign ads hanggang ngayon…

di nyo ba napapansin, puro delaying tactics lang ung nasa news, para makalimutan ng mga tao ung pangako ni noynoy… kakasuhan pa ba nila ung reyna o hindi na? hahayz…

Like

20 07 2010
reviewer22

Hi PH. Whats your view on the latest issue about PAGCOR footing the bill of 21 million pesos worth of burger and chickens for the PNP?

Latest news. Mikey is going back to congress as the representative for security guards, taxi and tricycle drivers. Sa kapwa niyang kongresista, mag-ingat kayo: No ID, No Entry sa SONA. 🙂

Like

21 07 2010
rhozza

grabe, Mikey Arroyo? at kelan pa sya naging representative ng mga SG? hala? what’s happening to our country? kulang pa ba ang nadispalko ng mga Arroyo sa ating bansa? naman… naman… naman…

Like

22 07 2010
senior60

teka muna, sorry worried pinoy, i mean tomador pala…

huwag kang magalala checkmate, magiging biggest catch
yan ng administrasyong noynoy kaya may araw din yan…

Like

22 07 2010
DEL

22 days na since Penot assumed the presidency. Nakailang declare na sila ng review, pero asan na mga resulta??? Gusto namin ng resulta, hindi dakdak lang???

Like

29 07 2010
Tweets that mention KRIS AQUINO’S SONA « The Professional Heckler -- Topsy.com

[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Jei R Baltazar, Angela Magpayo. Angela Magpayo said: https://professionalheckler.wordpress.com/2010/07/18/kris-aquinos-sona/ PUAHAHAHAHAHA!!! […]

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3 08 2010
jongskie721

I hate KRIS!!! (dati yun) ngayon I love her na 😀 LOL

Like

16 08 2010
jdGONEMAD

Kakausapin ko pa ‘yung tatay ng ahas sa Galleria. Just kidding! Hi Lance! Hi Robina! Love love tayo huh!” — nyhahahahha.. 80’s pa to ah.

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