CONFUSED

APOLOGIES for this very late post. There were some domestic problems that had to be addressed. Influenced by what she saw in the news, my mother’s personal manicurist quit her job to apply as a member of the board of Pag-IBIG Fund. A day later, our gardener left saying he’s confident of landing a job in the Luneta Park administration.

These people have been serving us for years! My mother felt betrayed. While delivering a speech in a community event, she broke down, openly cried and said, “Tao lang din ako, nasasaktan.” You know what happened next after her tearful speech? Malacañang offered her the job of justice secretary!

But things slowly returned to normal. After posting ‘Help Wanted’ ads, several people flocked to our house and applied for the two vacancies. My mother is finalizing the list of candidates now. To determine who’s best suited for the job, she plans to do a survey in our community… unless of course Sen. Richard Gordon intervenes, and slap her with a lawsuit.


Can you believe it? There are only 15 days left before the national elections! The tension is killing everyone. With the seemingly endless mudslinging between and among candidates, people are getting more confused. Take the case of Noynoy Aquino. The guy has two vice presidents!

During a campaign sortie up north, Sen. Noynoy Aquino reveals that when he marries, he wants vice presidential candidate Jejomar Binay to be his ring bearer saying, “‘Di ba dapat ang ring bearer ay may pinagdaanan kayo, may meaning. Maaasahan mo talaga” … to which Mar Roxas replied, “At least you know naman pala kung bakit hindi kita kinuhang ring bearer.”

As the election approaches, presidential candidates intensify their attacks against their perceived biggest rivals:. Noynoy Aquino vs. Manny Villar; Joseph Estrada vs. Manny Villar; Noynoy Aquino vs. Joseph Estrada; Gilbert Teodoro vs. Lakas leaders, and Richard Gordon vs. survey firms.

“Killing” Kris
The Aquino family has reportedly requested that Kris Aquino’s character in her primetime soap be “killed” so that she could devote more time campaigning for Noynoy. Grateful viewers lauded the Aquino family’s request and called it “heroic.”

Jamby’s Threat
Presidential candidate Jamby Madrigal threatened to go on a hunger strike unless the Commission on Elections agrees to conduct a parallel manual count of votes in next month’s automated polls. The Comelec dismissed the threat as political gimmickry claiming that Jamby was actually having weight issues and had to go on a diet.

Sen. Jamby Madrigal threatens to go on a hunger strike if the Comelec won’t conduct a parallel manual count of votes in next month’s automated elections. If that doesn’t work, she’ll do something more improbable: eat galunggong and itlog na maalat.

Quiboloy’s Birthday
Cult leader Apollo Quiboloy reveals he has not yet received any vision on the “chosen one” for the May 10 elections. Quiboloy was expecting a clear sign from Heaven last week… but Iceland’s Eyjafjallajokull Volcano erupted.

Cult leader Apollo Quiboloy who turns 60 on April 25 claims a following of six million… making him a strong candidate for spiritual adviser to the president.

Presidential candidates Noynoy Aquino, Richard Gordon, Gilbert Teodoro, Manny Villar, Bro. Eddie Villanueva and Jamby Madrigal are in Davao now for the birthday celebration of cult leader Apollo Quiboloy. Reports say the festivities include an unlimited supply of ice cream, cotton candy, and birthday cakes, as well roasted pigs and roasted cows… prompting Sen. Jamby Madrigal to abandon her threat of a hunger strike.

Reports say the very single Pastor Apollo Quiboloy has invited his closest friends and some 50,000 children to his mini-theme park in Davao for his birthday party. Among those who confirmed attendance were Elizabeth Taylor, Diana Ross, Reverend Al Sharpton, and Macaulay Culkin.

————————–
“The only difference between a cult and a religion is the amount of real estate they own.”
~Frank Zappa

Survey Says
Naniniwala ba kayong may basbas ni Pangulong Arroyo ang pagkakabasura ng charges laban sa dalawang miyembro ng pamilya Ampatuan?
Oo! Halatang-halata! 86%
Hindi naman siguro. 13%
Anong isyu? ‘Di ko alam. 2%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
Jejemons are taking cyberspace by storm. Know more about them, and then try to translate ‘normal’ phrases to Jejenese.

Manila Standard Today: How much does a TV executive earn yearly?

GMANews.TV: Celebrities who are running in the May 10 polls

Have a great week ahead!

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Author: professionalheckler

See About the Heckler

50 thoughts on “CONFUSED”

  1. Wow, I’m early. Jamby won’t be able to cook galunggong because she first has to find LPG that costs P8. “refill lang ha?” Heard her say that in Unang Hirit when she was asked questions testing her knowledge on various issues following her galunggong faux pas weeks back.

    Like

  2. Jejemons ewwwwwwwww!

    Guess what is its verbal/conversation equivalent? SINGLISH! yewwww and yak. After some time talking to a Singaporean, you “ultimally” get a “headache”. 🙂

    Galing mo naman Mr. Heckler. Kanina ko lang narinig key Vice Ganda sa Showtime yung “Jejemon”. Thanks for the link about it and being so updated. Now I know what to call those retards who wrongly sends me text messages only a code master can decipher.

    Kalokah ang mga bise ni Noynoy. I like Chiz’ ad nga pala for him. Type ko rin ang ad ni Jajajamby. Nasusuka na ako’t binabangungot naman sa paulit ulit na “Tunay na Mahirap” jingle. Kakasira ng araw. 😦

    Like

    1. kris has been thanking quiboloy in her The Buzz. With BA adding, “he’s one of those persons I love to interview in my show.” O-ha, bolahan at its subtle best. For so many years the Quiboloy’s sect exists, ngayon lang sya gustong i-interviewhin ni BA. Ewan ko lang kung magpapabola si PQ. Could be. Who knows? Free media mileage din yan that is likely to generate additional membership.

      anywany, nice one Mr PH.

      Like

  3. uuuyyyy john, naalaala ko, ikaw yong nagpa-alaala
    sa akin tungkol sa puso ko noong minsan nag litanya
    ako at that was appreciated…

    ngayon, ty again na na special mention mo ako na isa sa
    mga love mo pero nabagabag ako doon sa word na ‘kahit’,
    hindi ko maintindihan kung dapat ba akong matuwa or ano..

    pero sure ako sa tuwa dahil sabi ni quiboloy si magaling at
    matalino daw ang kanyang president, o ano, si chiz lang ba
    ang may presidente?

    speaking of chiz, he is contradicting himself with his statements
    about noynoy and mar in his ads, first he came out with mar’s
    lineage, how about noynoy’s, di ba pareho silang team haciendero?

    Like

    1. sir senior60, sa tingin ko po sinusubukan na nila kung pano tumakbo ang isip ni noynoy. tinitignan nila kung tatanggihan ni noynoy endorsement ni chiz for the sake of his vp or kakapalan na nya mukha nya para masiguro lang na sya ang mananalo. sa endorsement ni chiz at ni ampatuan, one thing is certain, ‘goes with the flow’ nga si noynoy…

      itanggi man nila to pero ang LP napasok na ng galamay ni arroyo, di ko na kailangan banggitin mga pangalan nila pero eto ang bago, si erap pinapagana na rin ang galamay nya (chiz, enrile) sa kampo nina noynoy, desperate times na nga, if you can’t beat them, join them…

      Like

      1. Chiz endorsement of Noynoy is legit meaning it came from a significant political figure who is not tied to any political party nor a CULT. And one thing is for certain…whoever believes the ampatuan stunt to endorse Noynoy is an idiot. Ask Gilbert Remulla of NP about it.

        Tsaka aminin na lang natin, iba sa inyo naiinis sa mga frontrunners kasi matataas ang rating nila sa survey at yung manok nyo kulelat. Naiinis kayo sa survey claiming it to be “unreliable”, “mind conditioning” and whatever pero kung siguro yung magaling matalino nyo top sa survey for sure you won’t say a damn thing about these SWS or Pulse Asia LOL or to the extreme SUE THEM!

        Like

      2. sir tomador, di ka naman siguro galit? wala naman po akong sinasabing di legit ung endorsement ni chiz kay noynoy, ang sakin lang, dahil lang sa walang political party wala na syang connections sa ibang pulitiko? meron po tayong utang na loob system, pinagsamahan system, kanegosyo system, etc… di naman po lingid sa kaalaman natin na etong si chiz eh kaalyado ni erap at fpj dati na kating-kati bumawi kay gloria, naisip ni erap na meron ngang villarroyo kaya nililigawan nya si noynoy via chiz. ang tanong pagkatapos ng election, kaninong impluensya ang mangingibabaw sa aquino admin kung sakali? nyahaha naalala ko tuloy nung kinasuhan ni gordon mga survey firms, di man lang nya naisip na parte ang survey sa freedom of expression, bayad man o hindi, kahit bias pa yang survey di na sana nya kinasuhan, papansin talaga…

        Like

      1. Nakakaawa nga. Ginagamit ang sariling ina para sa sariling kapakanan. Sabagay, hindi na naman bago ito dahil ginamit na din nya ang pangalan ng namayapang kapatid nya. I’ve seen the interview with Manny Villar’s sister. Sinisigaw nya na biased daw ang channel 2 at lalo na ang channel 7 especially arnold clavio and winnie monsod. To think na facts and figures lang ang pinakikita ni aling Winnie at never sinagot ni Villar ang mga questions nya. Lumabas ang pagiging butangera. Extreme desperation. Baka nga hindi alam ni Aling Curing na kinukuhanan sya ng video para sa ad na un. Please Lord, kahit sino wag lang si Villar. Please lang!

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    1. Sinabi mo pa. Even if the mother is telling the truth, sana di na siya sinali sa gulo. Kung sino man sa Villaroyo camp ang may bright idea nito, naku dapat siyang tanggalin agad. Lalong bababa ang rating ni Villaroyo next survey, I bet you. Maaawa ka na sana nung umiyak si Nanay Curing, aba, biglang pananaray naman ang eksena nung Gloriang kapatid. Negang-nega ang dating! Tsk, tsk, tsk. Ang mg mga Gloria talaga, oo. Tapos dumale pa tong si Remulla, kesyo security reason daw ang agenda ng miting niya with the Ampatuans. Lokohin niyang lelong niyang panot! Wala. Wawa talaga tong Villaroyo camp. Sayang yung Adel. Nasa listahan ko sana ito.

      Like

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