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TWO MEN AND A BABY

7 04 2010

Disclaimer: The jokes that you are about to read are original to this blog. These were neither copied nor “borrowed” from talk show hosts, a book author or an incumbent president. The blogger did not seek the help of Ateneo students or alumni in crafting the humor pieces. He will take full responsibility for punch lines that fail to amuse readers.

Dumped!
It seems to be the “in” thing these days. Manny Pangilinan resigns from Ateneo. Chavit Singson rejects Gilbert Teodoro. And Baby James dumps Noynoy Aquino.


Baby James & Politics
At a recent campaign sortie in Bacolod City, Kris Aquino’s 2-year-old son Baby James blurted out “Villar!” on the microphone to the delight of the Ilonggos. A noticeably stunned Kris had to turn him away from the crowd. The Bacolod incident has prompted Noynoy Aquino to conduct a loyalty check on his family.

Insiders revealed it was the second time in two nights that Kris Aquino got so upset. The previous night, while she and husband James Yap were making love, she got incensed when he blurted out, “Mayen!”

The Latest Survey
The Liberal Party feels like celebrating! According to Pulse Asia, the number of Filipinos who will not vote for Noynoy Aquino is slightly down to 63 percent.

Sen. Noynoy Aquino promises to dance if he wins the presidency. He didn’t exactly say when but he told the farmers that he’ll do it in five years.

Bad news for Sen. Manny Villar: According to the March 2010 Pulse Asia survey, his rating has dropped further to 25 percent. Villar is confident though that he’ll rebound in the next survey after getting the endorsement of Baby James.

The First Gentleman
First Gentleman Mike Arroyo has been discharged from St. Luke’s Medical Center but was barred from getting involved in any political activity like campaigning. Another bad news for Senator Villar.

Doctors have barred the First Gentleman from getting involved in any activity that could trigger another heart attack. In particular, they advised him to avoid reading the Inquirer or listening to DZMM.

Lakas-CMD-Kampi Caucus
Did you hear what happened on Tuesday night? Lakas-CMD-Kampi’s National Caucus of Governors met at Discovery Suites in Pasig City. Rocked by recent defections, they vowed to rally behind Gilbert Teodoro. Contrary to rumors though, the meeting was full of life. In fact, the governors were in high spirits. Even President Arroyo was so happy to see them together. She ate and drank with them, and before the night was over, they had fun playing a parlor game called “The boat is sinking.”

Shalani is Hurt
An ABS-CBN report says Shalani Soledad is hurt by insinuations that her boyfriend, Noynoy Aquino has a mental disorder… to which former senator Loi Ejercito said “I can so relate.”

Reelectionist Valenzuela City councilor Shalani Soledad is reportedly hurt by insinuations that presidential candidate Noynoy Aquino has a mental disorder. Asked ‘why the concern,’ she said, “‘Coz he’s special.”

Photo of the Weak:
GMA Turns 63


Ano ang sinasabi ng mga tao sa larawan:
A: “Masamang espiritu… inuutusan kita! Layuan mo ang katawan ng babaeng ito!”
B: “Kunin mo o Diyos, at tanggapin mo…”
C: “Naku Bishop, para naman pong ‘di tumatalab ang banta mo eh. Sakalin ko na lang kaya?”

Notes on a (Plagiarism) Scandal
After the plagiarism fiasco, PLDT Chairman Manuel V. Pangilinan’s ghostwriters reportedly wanted to “come out” but he said no. He explained, “It has worked for me, it can work for you.”
———————
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.”
~Franklin P. Jones

Briefly Noted: MVP & Jimmy Fallon
On “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon,” host Jimmy Fallon delivered this joke:
“Listen to this, a prominent Filipino businessman quit his job at a major university after admitting that he made a speech plagiarizing Barack Obama, Oprah Winfrey, and J.K. Rowling. People got suspicious after he opened with the line, ‘Look under your seats, muggles, because everyone is going home with a free hope and change!'”

[O, ‘di ko ginaya ‘yang joke ni Jimmy Fallon huh. Mas nauna akong nag-post ng MVP article kesa sa telecast ng show niya sa US. Ha-ha]

Survey Says
Of the three presidential candidates who attended the El Shaddai anniversary last Saturday, who do you think would be endorsed by Bro. Mike Velarde?
NOYNOY AQUINO 22%
JOSEPH ESTRADA 6%
MANNY VILLAR 72%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

This just in!
According to MSNBC, a human-sized, colorful species of lizard with two penises has been found in the Philippines. Scientists accidentally discovered the animal when they heard extraordinary moaning from a female lizard.

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52 responses

7 04 2010
chiwee

Sagot ko, A!!!!!!

hahahaha.

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7 04 2010
eufems

A-Men!

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7 04 2010
Thel

“SAKALIN NA LANG”

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7 04 2010
Vina Pelaez

I was laughing so loud by myself my son asked me why. . . . ang galing!!!!

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7 04 2010
siyetehan

and the winner for the boat is sinking is: gibo teodoro!

siya na lang ata kasi ang naiwan

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7 04 2010
BAROK

Sayang…kala ko pa naman matalino si Gibo.

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7 04 2010
Ging

First glance at the second photo and I actually thought NA was pole dancing ;-p

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8 04 2010
ranjit

i thought so too!!! akala ko nagladlad na sya!

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7 04 2010
BAROK

Eto ang sagot ko dyan sa caption –
C: “Naku Bishop, para naman pong ‘di tumatalab ang banta mo eh. Sakalin ko na
lang kaya?”

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7 04 2010
pinky

sinadya ni james sigaw “mayen” to get back at kris who blurted “JOEY” the other night.

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7 04 2010
maximus

kala ko “Vic!” hahaha.

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8 04 2010
SYDMAN

mark lapid?

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8 04 2010
mimi

phillip!

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8 04 2010
fred

no matter sino, everytime kris closes her eyes she pretends she’s with alvin p, her one tru luv who rejected her that’s why she became malandi.

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7 04 2010
bella

panalo talaga si baby james, siya ang totoong may secret candidate!
kudos!

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8 04 2010
ShatterShards

There’s nothing to be alarmed about regarding FG’s health. Di pa mamamatay iyan, masamang damo e.

Note to Kris: Huwag gamitin ang anak to cull for votes, especially if they let the child see those LSS-inducing Villar ads.

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8 04 2010
eufems

Manny Villar must be so happy right now. First it was Baby James. Now, it’s Lilia Pineda :))

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8 04 2010
derdo

one of your best posts yet. thank you for helping me start my day right. like the choices under the picture of GMA and the bishops, Loi’s “I can so relate” and the double entendre behind “coz he’s special”. Arrgh, the first time, I was about to say “ang baduy” re the latter most, then I got the drift.

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8 04 2010
Del

Extraordinary moan, hahaha!

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8 04 2010
zipppo

The Inquirer’s front page today headlines “Noy to Manny: Don’t exploit baby James.”

Naku Senator Aquino, look who’s calling the kettle black. YOU were the one who dragged your nephew to appear in that awful commercial in which you performed a rap number. YOU and your sister were the ones who dragged your nephew in the dead of the night to speak before a huge political rally. And now you dare say that Senator Villar is the one exploiting your nephew.

Your skewed reasoning shows that you are, indeed, in the words of your commercial “walang bahid walang duda” — that is, walang bahid ng katalinuhan at walang duda ang kamangmangan!!!

Kailangan ng bayan ang isang Pangulo na may kakayahan at malawak na karanasan. The Presidency is NOT an “On-the-Job-Training” position!!!

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8 04 2010
professionalheckler

mas lalo namang nakakagalit ang sabi ni kris: “SPARE MY SON FROM POLITICS. LET HIM LIVE A LIFE OF A TWO-YEAR-OLD.” Eh sino bang kumakaladkad sa batang yan sa campaign rallies? sino bang nagbigay ng mikropono sa kanya? tayo ba? PUNYETA.

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8 04 2010
zipppo

hahahaha tumpak!!!

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8 04 2010
Del

May lalabas ulit na balita na binayaran ni Villar si Babay James ng 100M para lumipat ng Kampo, hahaha.

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8 04 2010
ranjit

PH gusto ko yung malutong na PUNYETA mo sa dulo! hahaha! si krissy talga!!!

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8 04 2010
juanaganda

Punyeta talaga PH! 😀

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8 04 2010
Worried Pinoy

Photo of the Weak:

Definitely letter B!

Pero pwede ba dagdagan ng letter D?

D. Susmariosep! anliit pala talaga neto?! kala ko pa naman nagpa implant. Nakakahiya! tsk tsk tsk…

Thanks PH! =)

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8 04 2010
Del

Just heard from espesyal na Balita of Deo Macalma in DZRH that the speech writer of Manny PAngilinan is Butch Meily. And he is a blue eagle, not a fighting maroon, as being circulated.

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8 04 2010
professionalheckler

talaga? hahaha. malamang!

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8 04 2010
homer singson

“[O, ‘di ko ginaya ‘yang joke ni Jimmy Fallon huh. Mas nauna akong nag-post ng MVP article kesa sa telecast ng show niya sa US. Ha-ha]”
Baka ikaw na PH ang ginagaya ni Jimmy Fallon. Malay natin he check your blogsite religiously. You might want to check your Twitter account. Baka follower mo na rin siya. NAKS! 🙂

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8 04 2010
homer singson

*he checkS your…

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8 04 2010
yeontura

sir PH, pagaya lang po ng konti:

IN OTHER NEWS:

For the first time in professional sports history, NBA fans will be able to vote for their choice for the season MVP at nba.com. The winner will get one of the 125 votes which will determine the best player of this season. Traditional All-Star vote getters like LeBron James are the favorites to win the popular vote, but the Comelec Second Division said it is ready for a recount if somebody else like Kobe Bryant would file an electoral protest.

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8 04 2010
professionalheckler

hahaha! nahhh, that online vote is a crap. you know i’m a huge kobe and laker fanatic. but this season belongs to lebron. give it to prince james. he worked hard for it. kanya na ang individual award, amin ang championship trophy.

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8 04 2010
timpaul

‘di nga. Magic maging champion ngayon. The superman will redeem himself in the return bout.

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8 04 2010
professionalheckler

malabo 🙂

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9 04 2010
eufems

[di ako maka-comment sa Psychiatric eh]

Talagang may paring prof sa UP ha? :))))

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8 04 2010
yeontura

Sir, I don’t think so. Naniniwala ako sa Wine-and-Gold.

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8 04 2010
melo

“I can so relate” sa PUNYETA mo,PH…abangan ulit ang susunod na kabanata sa mga kabaliwan ni Kris!!!Spare Mayen!!!

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8 04 2010
mert

Professional Heckler you are really doing great continue. More and more power to you.

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8 04 2010
jhona

baby james. baby james. baby james. loveeely! 😀

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8 04 2010
juanaganda

KRIS: ‘yan ang napala mo sa kakabitbit mo kay Baby James sa pangangampanya…..at pwede ba? tigilan mo ang pagpilit sa anak mo sa showbiz?! nagmumukhang tanga at abnoy ang anak mo di ka pa nakakahalata? Mas maraming sikat at magagaling na artista na may batang anak katulad mo hangga’t amaari itinatago sa publiko ang mga anak nila, eh ikaw kabaliktaran ang ginagawa lalo mong ini-expose ang anak mo at kapag nagiging tampulan ng katatawanan…..nag-iinarte ka at feeling inaapi…haayyyy…kelan mo titigilan ang madlang Pilipino?

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9 04 2010
mel

haayy! it will be too late before majority of voters realize what they’ve done when they elected kris and korina to malacanang

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8 04 2010
The Lady in Green Ruffles

asteeg ka talaga Mr. IDol…matapang at sobrang husay…di lang pangpampamilya pang international ka pa talaga (may maisan kami)

dun sa pic..parang gusto ko ung letter b..hehe

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8 04 2010
Master Vision Optical

Panu pa tayo maniniwala sa mga speeches ni MVP.

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9 04 2010
senior60

maiba lang….

mister heckler, ilang tulog na lang election na, kailan ka pa ba
magladlad….

basta ako, i maintain, si gilbert bet mo ano?

hindi tayo dapat mahiya kung poor fourth lang si gilbert, tutal
alam natin na sa puso at isip ng mga voters siya sana ang nararapat
dahil siya ang most qualified if not for the ‘kiss of death’ from arroyo..

para sa akin it is more honorable to lose in this situation rather than
win just because of money and just because of the legacy daw from
parents…

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11 04 2010
checkmate

sir senior60, alam po ni gibo na ginagamit lang sya, manood po kayo ng tv patrol, todo deny sila sa villaroyo, bakit kaya? bakit masyadong obvious? saka bakit kahit mataas ratings ni noynoy, tumakbo pa rin si arroyo sa congress? isa lang po ibig sabihin nyan, we don’t have a choice kung sino man ang magiging presidente, tuloy pa rin ang parliament ni gma. kaya kung ako si noynoy, i’ll start cleaning up my closet and prepare for constant bullying from gma. meron syang ilalabas na ikabubura ng ‘legacy’ ng mga aquino at the same time umangat na naman sa pwesto. pero base sa ikinikilos ni noynoy, he’ll rather be a puppy and go with the flow than endure the coming onslaught…

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9 04 2010
saragnayan

Ive been a fan of your work. I was there when you moved from blogspot to wordpress. You dont know how much relief we the netizens derived from your ingenuity. I made a fanpage on FB. hahhaha. so far we have 12 fans. Im update your recent post there

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9 04 2010
professionalheckler

thanks for the support. there have been suggestions for me to create a Facebook FAN PAGE. but i do not consider people who visit my blog as FANS. They’re my READERS. 🙂

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9 04 2010
jianne

naks! :))

in fairness, super galing. create ka na ng book mo, bibili kami 🙂

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9 04 2010
professionalheckler

HAHA. walang publisher. walang papayag.

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10 04 2010
Broking

B! Kunin, pwede, pero tanggapin kaya?

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13 04 2010
Random Student

noynoy said naglalaro lang si baby james. eh bat pinigilan ni kris maglaro? child abuse. let the working child be the working child that plays. napaka-stage mom naman if needed i-display eh bitbitin sa stage pero pag naglaro eh itatapon backstage.

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13 04 2010
Edward

Haha ayos talaga mga joke mo, ibang level. Naunahan mo pa sina Jimmy Falon. Dapat kunin ka nang late night t.v. host. Orig mga jokes mo at ginagaya 😀

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