HULA OOPS! (FEARLESS FORECASTS)

For 2010, here’s what could happen in Philippine politics…


The Arroyos
President Arroyo will win her Congressional bid in Pampanga, her first legitimate victory in 10 years. In the middle of the year, she will be hospitalized due to “severe rheumatism.” But a newspaper columnist, citing a leak from the hospital, will reveal that she was admitted because of an orthopedic-related condition – doctors must re-construct wire rings that were inserted to her legs 25 years ago as part of a bone-lengthening procedure to make her taller.

Pampanga Rep. Mikey Arroyo will be involved in a domestic scandal. Sexy comedienne Rufa Mae Quinto will identify the presidential son as her mysterious fiancé who gave her a multimillion-peso dream house in San Francisco, California.

In Congress
For the first time since it was founded, the Congressional Spouses Foundation, Inc. will accept as members, husbands of congresswomen. First Gentleman Jose Miguel Arroyo will battle former House Speaker Jose De Venecia Jr. for the chairmanship of the organization. Both of them will be trounced though by Teodoro ‘Teddyboy’ Locsin Jr. whose wife will succeed him as Makati City representative.

The National Elections
The Social Weather Stations, and Pulse Asia, Inc. will post a staggering 300 percent increase in revenues in the first quarter of 2010.

Political parties and alliances will cease to exist on May 11, 2010, a day after the elections.

Political analysts will name Kris Aquino the most popular and most influential endorser of Liberal Party standard bearer Noynoy Aquino… followed closely by ABS-CBN, the Philippine Daily Inquirer, and the Philippine Star.

A week before the polls, both the SWS and Pulse Asia surveys will show that Nacionalista Party’s Manuel Villar Jr. still trails Noynoy Aquino by 10 percentage points. Out of desperation, Villar will raffle off the Laurel Mansion in Shaw Boulevard.

The miting de avance of the Liberal Party will be held at Plaza Miranda. There will be a grenade blast but no one will be injured. Liberal Party stalwart Jovito Salonga will blame Nacionalista Party’s guest candidates Liza Maza and Satur Ocampo as well as the Communist Party of the Philippines for the incident. Jose Ma. Sison will blame President Arroyo.

Following the blast, Defense Sec. Norberto Gonzales will recommend the declaration of martial law. Mrs. Arroyo will consider the proposal only if Mikey Arroyo survives a fake ambush at La Vista Subdivision.

In an unprecedented political maneuver, President Arroyo will endorse the presidential bid of frontrunners Noynoy Aquino and Manny Villar. Lakas-Kampi-CMD operators led by Ronaldo Puno will distribute Photoshopped posters of the president raising the hands of the two opposition candidates.

A consistent third placer in SWS and Pulse Asia surveys, deposed president Joseph Estrada will post another landslide win… in San Juan.

Former PCSO Chairman Manoling Morato will make public another videotape from a casino showing Joseph Estrada playing poker. Morato will then disappear, and Sen. Panfilo Lacson will have a new subject for his next privilege speech.

Lakas-Kampi-CMD Party standard-bearer Atty. Gilbert Teodoro will lose his bid for president but his wife, Tarlac Rep. Monica Louise “Nikki” Prieto-Teodoro will be the runaway winner for First Lady in an online poll.

The miting de avance of Bangon Pilipinas Movement in Luneta will be the most attended. Bro. Eddie Villanueva’s special invite to his flock will read: “Inaanyayahan ko kayo sa isang pagtitipon kung saan, sa tulong at kapangyarihan ni Lord… papakainin ko ang limang milyon!”

Although both of them are non-members of Jesus is Lord Movement and therefore, will not be uninvited, Bagumbayan Party’s Richard Gordon and Bayani Fernando will be present at Bro. Eddie’s Luneta gathering. Gordon and Fernando will lead a group of on-call first aid volunteers.

http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:niLh-7PvRVaIYM:https://professionalheckler.files.wordpress.com/2008/06/jamboy.jpg Before the official start of the campaign period, Sen. Jamby Madrigal will quit the race for president. And no one will give a damn.

The Liberal Party’s presidential and vice presidential candidates have a huge chance of winning. But Noynoy Aquino and Mar Roxas will argue a lot mainly because everytime Noynoy seeks Mar’s advice, he would always say, “Noynoy, tumabi ka nga, ako na!”

Nationalist People’s Coalition’s bet and Nacionalista Party’s guest vice presidential candidate Loren Legarda will be defeated again. She’ll be a Liberal before the opening of Congress in June.

Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay will place third in the race for vice president. It will be his first electoral defeat in 24 years.

Lakas-Kampi-CMD candidate Edu Manzano will not be successful in his bid for the vice presidency. ABS-CBN News and Current Affairs head Maria Ressa will then lift the restrictions imposed on Manzano’s fiancée Pinky Webb, who was barred from talking about her relationship with Edu or being seen in public with him during the election period.

Bayan Muna’s Satur Ocampo and Gabriela’s Liza Maza will both lose for senator but will still celebrate… primarily because they’ll receive more votes than rival group Akbayan’s senatorial bet Rissa Hontiveros.

Jinggoy Estrada and Bong Revilla will win another Senate term but Lito Lapid will lose. An SWS survey will then reveal that Filipino voters have at least matured by 1 percent.

The Local Elections
Manny Pacquiao will defeat the rich and influential Roy Chiongbian for congressman in Saranggani Province. Floyd Mayweather Jr. will question the win and accuse Pacquiao of using steroids before he fought Chiongbian.

Mayor Jejomar Binay’s son Jejomar Erwin or Junjun will win the mayoral race in Makati City. The younger Binay will look forward to serving the residents of the country’s financial district… until his six-year-old son is old enough to succeed him.

In Entertainment
Megastar Sharon Cuneta will lose… ten pounds.

ABS-CBN will continue to dominate the nationwide ratings. And Annabelle Rama will continue to dominate GMA 7 bosses.

ABS-CBN will continue to harvest Golden Dove trophies from the KBP … mainly because it’s the only network that participates in the said awards.

Vice President Noli De Castro will return as main anchor of TV Patrol World. He will do what he does best: news reading.

ABC 5, majority owned now by (my former employer ha-ha) Manny V. Pangilinan’s Mediaquest Holdings will make its presence felt by being different. For at least a month, it will air its only top-rating program Talentadong Pinoy, 24/7!

One of Annabelle Rama’s sons will come “out.” Rama will blame GMA7 executive Wilma Galvante for making her son gay.

GMA 7’s most loyal host, Master Showman German Moreno will be hospitalized… due to acute insomnia.

Over at the Kapamilya Network, after being toppled by Vhong Navarro’s ‘Showtime’ in ratings supremacy, Wowowee’s Willie Revillame will quit the show. And no one will give a damn either.

Charice will make it to Hollywood. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will adopt her.

A fire will damage one of the rooms in Hayden Kho and Vicki Belo’s love nest. Belo will suffer first-degree burns. Hayden will subsequently admit that it was his fault: he mistook Vicki for a huge candle and lit her with a match.

Hayden Kho will attempt to commit suicide again… not in a pineapple plantation though but inside Vicki Belo’s bedroom. Probers will rule the cause of death as prolonged exposure to hazardous plastics.

Recently renamed Encore, controversial high-society party place Embassy will be renamed again. Embassy will soon be known as Ecstasy.

In the News…
Tiff Off
The highly anticipated Manny Pacquiao-Floyd Mayweather Jr. bout was canceled after Pacquiao’s camp rejected Mayweather Jr’s demand that they undergo a blood test 48 hours before the fight. Manny is against any test that involves blood because the last time he underwent the procedure, some kid claimed he was his father.

Salceda Praised
Albay Gov. Joey Salceda has been praised for his efficient and effective disaster-response program during the eruption of Mayon Volcano. Every single person was rescued alive… prompting Salceda to describe his constituents as “lucky bitches.”


Ano ang nababagay na pamagat, deskrispyon o caption sa larawang ito? [Note: Presidential candidates Estrada, Villar, & Aquino and VP bet Roxas visited evacuation centers in Albay last week.]
A: Wanna bet?
B: “O, siguraduhin lamang po na tamang pangalan ang mamarkahan sa inyong mga balota huh.”
C:
Presidente Erap, puwede po bang tulungan n’yo kaming lumipat sa Makati? Libre daw po lahat do’n eh.”
Senador Villar, pa-raffle ka naman ng bahay at lupa dito sa evacuation center.”
Senador Noynoy at Mar, next time po, isama n’yo naman sina Kris at Korina!”
D: “Sana laging pumuputok ang Mayon para lagi din silang makaalala.”
_______________
“The most reliable way to forecast the future is to try to understand the present.”
~John Naisbitt

Have a safe and productive 2010 everyone!

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Author: professionalheckler

See About the Heckler

60 thoughts on “HULA OOPS! (FEARLESS FORECASTS)”

  1. YEAR ENDER crystal ball gazing will be 50 percent SPOT ON. Why, because of the Nesbitt qoute. You Heckler understood the present state of sordid politcal sorties.
    I will repost this FUNNY but bitingly TRUE state of the nation UNDRESSED.

    Wealth and Health for you and your tirelessly accerbicly funny Blog in 2010.

    Like

      1. @ eufems: Gibo is his own man, Gibo is not GMA just like Ninoy is not Noynoy.

        @ raul: Yes Gibo topped Mr. H’s online poll similarly Gibo topped the FB and Manila Bulleting polls. Considering sa FB mas madaming “fans” sina Noynoy at Villar.

        @Mr. Heckler: Thank you so much! May you have a wonderful new year ahead. Hope you’ll continue to receive recognition for your wonderful work!

        @ All Gibo supporters who follow this blog this is dedicated to you:

        Like

  2. i think we are still far off with regard to political maturity. proof- best buddies (?) and two of the most incompetent senators, bong and jinggoy will most probably win second terms (forget lapid, he’s the biggest joke in the senate and he know’s it). at present, we have 23 senators, 3 of them are actors (and they still complain they are underrepresented). based on its etymology, it is supposed to be the “council of the wise” or “council of elders” but we are electing fools. that’s why the country is in disarray. i hope the filipino electorate will mature soon.

    Like

  3. NICE POST!

    In 2010, PH will now topple Madam Auring in Quiapo!

    “For the first time since it was founded, the Congressional Spouses Foundation, Inc. will accept as members, husbands of congresswomen. First Gentleman Jose Miguel Arroyo will battle former House Speaker Jose De Venecia Jr. for the chairmanship of the organization. ”

    Isama mo na si Teodoro, at least dito baka manalo siyang president haha.

    Like

  4. topdog, alam mo ba kung bakit kita namimiss pag hindi
    ka nag bablog? yan mismo, iyang mga tira mo na puno
    ng kabastusan dahil ikaw lang ang nag-iisang ikaw at wala
    ng iba pa….

    alam ko namang mister heckler is just heckling, ako naman,
    most often than not, i give my serious opinion, if this is what
    you mean na ” as usual hindi ko naintindihan ang logic at sense”
    sorry to dis-appoint you but i do understand…

    about my serious opinions, to each his own thinking na lang
    tayo topdog, you leave the heckling to mister heckler, this is a
    free country/blog site, we can write whatever we’d want to write

    doon sa isa mo pang comment, baka malaglag ka na naman sa
    upuan mo dahil serious na naman ito…

    i think it is more honorable for gilbert to loss because of arroyo
    than for noynoy to win because of his parents, by then, will he
    be able to sleep soundly in malacanan knowing this fact?

    topdog, to go back, pag hindi ko pa naintindihan ang matagal
    mo ng sinasabi na hindi ko naintiintindihan, please, paki expound
    nang maintindihan ko na, ok?

    Like

  5. .. to topdog and senior60:

    … geeeeezz…. GO GET A ROOM!… nakakangilo na yang lq nyo ha, na for some reason you choose this blog for your foreplay (or cyber PDA… whatever…)…

    … if this is not homo-eroticism concealed as an online rant, i don’t know what is…

    … we people who read this blog just want to enjoy loi’s heckling… enough!

    Like

  6. saya talaga magbalitak-takan si senior at topdog, kaka aliw..uy teka..wala pa ata si atebeybs LOL asan na yun???

    IMO, its a 3 way battle between Noynoy, Money V and Erap. And for the rest of the Presidential candidates? Irrelevant na, pero ok pa din bigyan ng entry ni PH kasi nakakatuwa hehehehe

    HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!!!!

    Like

  7. weh, kumusta ka na, ok ka na ba? malinaw na utak mo?
    i’m almost sure hindi ka nagkulang sa payo mula sa mga
    mahal mo sa buhay na huwag kang mag dodroga…

    pambihira, tingnan mo ginawa mo, na bad trip tuloy si
    topdog at hindi na naka react sa sulat ko, again, i’m almost
    sure na naman hahaha na hanggang ngayon, katulad ng
    mayon, nag aalburuto pa sya…

    on the other hand, this is good, different wavelengths will
    add more color to mister heckler’s already colorful blog…

    hello tomador, and hello to worried pinoy, sana kung saan
    ka man naroroon ngayon hindi ka na worried, leave your
    worries behind, let’s all have a happy new year…

    Like

  8. Mr. Heckler I cannot express the admiration and joy that I have experienced while reading your entries. I come from Bulgaria a small and stupid insignificant
    country in South-East Europe. But I have been even before interested in RP so I followed your blog. I enjoyed very much your entries and postings. I wish you good luck, health and happines!

    Like

      1. Well, in essence it is quite subjective. Yes, the country may have nice nature, rich heritage and culture but in present there are a lot of other factors that are quite disturbing. So it is really difficult to say. At times I feel very frustrated by things in my country, but it may be a temporary sentiment as well, so it is really subjective. Anaway cheers to everybody and happy new year!

        Like

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