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HOLY WEAK!

7 04 2009

hly_wk_cross
Semana Santa and Philippine Politics

The House of Representatives plans to stage a senaculo on Good Friday. But they have a huge problem. The play requires only two thieves. There are 238 of them.

The Aquino Family of Tarlac is also holding a senaculo at Hacienda Luisita this week. Noynoy Aquino has been tapped to play the role of the virgin.

And Kris Aquino was assigned to read the seven last words. But the queen of talk complained, “Gosh naman Mom! Seven lang?!? Can I discuss each na lang!”

In Cavite, Panfilo Lacson played the role of Pontius Pilate in a passion play. When the mob shouted “Crucify Jesus! Crucify him,” Lacson told them, “Nahh, that’s time consuming. Shoot him!”

In the Arroyos’ hometown of Lubao, Pampanga, local officials couldn’t agree on who should play who in the upcoming senaculo . So they decided to draw lots. Hayun, sa awa ng Diyos, hanggang ngayon binobola pa rin.

Staunch supporters of Pampanga governor Fr. Ed Panlilio rejected President Arroyo’s offer to play Pontius Pilate in a passion play at the provincial capitol. Asked why, they said, “It’s a risk. Pa’no kung irelease n’ya lahat ng convicts?!?”

Loren Legarda will likewise be active this Holy Week. Dozens of senaculo organizers have invited her. She’s the unanimous choice to play Mary Magdalene.

And did you hear about Mar Roxas’ “panata” this Lenten season? He is doing a Visita Iglesia… on a pedicab.

Under fire for “meddling” in the ongoing Sulu hostage crisis, Richard Gordon refused to play the role of any major character in a senaculo in Olongapo City. He’ll keep it low key this time and will just join the crowd… of weeping women.

hly_wk_palm At the Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency headquarters, drug agents were alarmed when palm fronds or “palaspas” went missing. They later discovered that the Alabang Boys powdered the palm fronds and rolled them into cigars. (Wow pare! Miss ko na si Maryjane dude!)

Overseas, Manny Pacquiao was invited by the Filipino community in California to participate in the traditional Pabasa. The People’s Champ did say yes to the invitation but instructed his lawyers to double check the “Pasyon” that he’s gonna read… just to make sure it wasn’t written by ABS-CBN lawyers.

hly_wk_pacquiao Just so you know… Manny Pacquiao is a devout Catholic. In fact, he already did the station of the cross last month. Three stations so far, to be exact.

In Davao City, Passion play organizers couldn’t find “extras” who were willing to act as thieves. They’re so afraid their mayor would take their roles seriously.

Remember controversial DOJ prosecutor John “Lending Business” Resado? Something weird happened at a senaculo in his native Tarlac when he played the role of Judas Iscariot. When Roman authorities paid him 30 pieces of silver for betraying Jesus, he demanded an additional 1.6 M pesos to be deposited to his BDO account.

If that’s weird, then this one’s insane: when fashion designer Boyet Fajardo played the role of a Roman soldier in a senaculo , he repeatedly slapped the guy who played Jesus, and then ordered everyone in the cast to kneel in front of him or else, he’ll have them fired from the project.

And finally…

This just in! Giant oil companies are hiking pump prices this week… in observance of “Mahal na Araw.”

President Arroyo’s Seven Last Words
(To be delivered on the eve of the next president’s inauguration)

7: “Ama, patawarin mo ako dahil hindi ko alam ang aking mga pinaggagawa.”

6: “Sinasabi ko sa ‘yo Mike: Ngayon din ay isasama kita sa aking self-exile.”

5: (To All Filipinos) “Mga anak… ako ang ina n’yo! Ako ang ina n’yong lahat!”

4: “Iggy, Mikey lama sabachthani?’ (Translation: “Mga kaalyado ko sa Kongreso, bakit n’yo ako pinabayaan?”)

3: “Natatakot ako!”

2: “Naganap na!” (Ang inauguration ng bagong pangulo!)

1: “Asawa ko, sa mga kamay mo’y ipinagtatagubilin ko ang mga nakulimbat natin sa palasyo!”

_________
“All spiritual practices are illusions created by illusionists to escape illusion.”
~Ram Dass

UP NEXT:
PRESIDENTIABLES: The Awful Truth in 60 Seconds

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29 responses

7 04 2009
chiwee

hahahaha. can’t congress just ratify the tradition of “senaculos” by adding casts of “crocodiles” to make up for the limiting two available roles of the thieves?

or, why not do a shifting for the roles – all of them can get to play the part, but good for 15 minutes only?

i’d love to see a congress-sponsored senaculo that will last 238 days, just to accommodate all of them for the role of thieves.

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7 04 2009
batang laurel are!

How about the Pangandamans to play their roles in senaculo?

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7 04 2009
batang laurel are!

The MILF would also love to participate in the senaculo…the beheader. haha

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7 04 2009
Jason

Hahahaha panalo! I like the Gloria parts :))

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7 04 2009
Anonymous

You are so brilliant!

How about Nicole playing Magdalene? Isn’t everyone throwing stones at her.

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7 04 2009
batang laurel are!

On Manny Villar, the senaculo would have been double inserted.

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7 04 2009
batang laurel are!

The Alabang Boys together with the Embassy owner, Tim Yap will provide the stones..hahaha

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7 04 2009
batang laurel are!

And for Press Sec. Ignacio Bunye, it will be double copied, the other one might be fake

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7 04 2009
gerrycho

haha! at hindi puedeng magmura si Mar habang nagpipidal! 😀

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7 04 2009
our daily txt » Blog Archive » Gloria as Pontius Pilate

[…] – From The Professional Heckler […]

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7 04 2009
i'm no angel

Manny Pacquiao was invited by the Filipino community in California to participate in the traditional Pabasa. The People’s Champ did say yes to the invitation but instructed his lawyers to double check the “Pasyon” that he’s gonna read… just to make sure it wasn’t written by ABS-CBN lawyers.

hahaha! classic…

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7 04 2009
Jason Bruce

Hilarious!
The first one or the 238 thieves in the House of Representative is my favorite. Brilliant punch line.

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7 04 2009
jasper

4. hello, garci? behold thy balato

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8 04 2009
kuyuri123

I love President Arroyo’s Seven Last Words! Brilliant! lalo na to, “Asawa ko, sa mga kamay mo’y ipinagtatagubilin ko ang mga nakulimbat natin sa palasyo!” nice!

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8 04 2009
Toronto Gal

You are a hoot! You should consider being a stand-up comic, and I bet it won’t take long for you to be even more popular as Jerry Seinfeld.

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8 04 2009
wilofdwind

Good one, Anonymous… Haha…

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8 04 2009
Dreadnaught

In Davao City, Passion play organizers couldn’t find “extras” who were willing to act as thieves. They’re so afraid their mayor would take their roles seriously.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

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8 04 2009
laya

As usual panalo ka Heckler!!!!

WE LOVE YOU!!!! XD

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8 04 2009
darkcheron

This was smart! I also give props to the readers who left their comments. You guys are also hilarious!

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8 04 2009
ming

You are always so funny and always sooo on the mark!

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8 04 2009
paul

The workers in Luisita should crucify the aquinos for living off on their sweat and blood for generations and holding on to the feudal system using their political clout.

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8 04 2009
our daily txt » Blog Archive » Loren as Mary Magdalene?

[…] – From The Professional Heckler […]

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8 04 2009
benbalazador

238 days of senaculo. great idea. i’ll nail rep darlene >:)

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8 04 2009
benjo

ben, will you betray me for 30 peices of borjer?

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9 04 2009
W

Francis Pangilinan’s acting stint as Pontius Pilate,

Kiko: what should I do to this man?
Mob:crucify him! crucify!
Kiko: noted.

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10 04 2009
May

lol! Seven Last Words were real funny. Hooray again to the creative mind of the Heckler.

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17 04 2009
tiger

Nadapa lang ako dito sa page mo… at ayaw ko ng bumangon!!! You’re brilliant!!! Araw araw na akong nandito – except when our signal dont have signal at all…

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20 05 2009
Passion Play for Catholics

It’s a shame that there were problems with the the performance of The Passion Play with the multitude of thieves there. Talaga! What can you do I suppose. It is important that people get a reminder of why we have Good Friday; Why we have Easter. I just hope that those 238 thieves behaved themselves at least during the running of this play. It’s a historic Catholic depiction of what happened the day Christ died for us all!

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7 09 2009
boyoyong

how about hayden koh, he will not join?

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