FAMOUS LAST WORDS

IN OBSERVANCE OF All Saints Day, here is a re-run of my post last January 25, 2007 (with some revisions and additional personalities).

Deathbed Declarations of Contemporary Politicians and Celebrities

1: President Arroyo: “Will my wake be visited by one million?”

2: Former Pres. Joseph Estrada: “Loi… Guia… Laarni… Joy… Weng, nand’yan na ba kayong lahat?”

3: Vice President Noli De Castro: “Hanggang dito na lamang at magandang gabi… bayan!”

4: Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago: “I’m tired. I think I wanna rest now. (Gasps for air and then dies) But I lied! I’m alive! Hahaha!”

5: Benjamin Abalos: “Lord, ayaw ko pang mamatay. Promise… may 200 ka rito… ‘wag mo lang akong kunin.”

6: First Gentleman Mike Arroyo (In front of Saint Peter): “Back off!”

7: Gov. Ed Panlilio: “Tandaan n’yo: huwag na huwag kayong tatanggap ng abuloy para sa akin kung hindi n’yo alam kung kanino galing. Para sigurado kayo, mag-isyu kayo ng resibo.”

8: CHEd Chairman Romulo Neri: “Nararamdaman kong hindi na ako magtatagal. Sa tingin ko ay panahon na para ibunyag ko ang aking mga nalalaman. (Heavy breathing) Pero puwede ba, sa executive session na lang?”

9: Former Sen. John Osmeña: “Fly na ‘ko mga junak. Remember… Daddy loves you so much. Babush!”

10: Tessie Aquino-Oreta: (Performs a dance number on her deathbed. Then she apologizes, cries, and dies.)

11: Sen. Francis “Kiko” Pangilinan (After Sharon said, “Remember hon, we love you so much. Frankie, Miel and KC love you so much…,” he replied…) “Noted.”

12: Sen. Noynoy Aquino: “Lord… you are asking me if I wanna go with you now. Can you wait a second? Kukunsultahin ko lang ang Mommy ko.”

13: Sen. Antonio Trillanes (On his hospital death bed, goes hysterical): “Ilabas n’yo ko sa ospital na ‘to! May bomba rito! Papasabugin ito ng gobyerno! Ilabas n’yo ko rito!”

14: Cong. Francis Joseph Escudero: (Instructs a relative to get a camera, strikes a pose and then utters…) “Chiiiiz!”

15: Sen. Lito Lapid: “Puwede bang Tagalog na lang ang aking last words? Mahina tayo sa Inglesan eh.”

16: Former President Corazon Aquino: “Matutuwa si Ninoy! Mabuhay ang demokrasya!”

17: Attorney Oliver Lozano: “You won’t succeed my Lord sa iyong binabalak. Uunahan na kita. Ipi-preempt ko ang plano mong kunin ako! Ganito!!! (Bang!)

18: Imelda Marcos: “The end of beauty is near! The Filipino people will be ugly again.”

19: CPP-NPA Founder Jose Maria Sison: “Ka Satur, Ka Roger, heto ang bank book. Bahala na kayo sa naipon nating revolutionary taxes. Ituloy n’yo ang pangungulekta! Tandaan n’yo, para sa bayan ang ating ginagawa.”

20: Manila Standard columnist Victor Agustin: “Heard through the grapevine: My former employer, the tabloid known as Philippine Daily Inquirer has reserved one whole page in its obituary section for my impending demise. The ad space will be free of charge. How sweet!”

21: Manny Pacquiao: “I am never afraid my death. This last fight of yours truly is for all my kababayans. You know. Think yu for support me. Salamat din kay Mayor Achinza at kay Pers Jintilman Mike Arruyu. You know. I am dying but I am living in your thinking. You know.”

22: Annabelle Rama: “Hoy Roffa, ‘wag kang madaya ‘day. Isama mo sa kabaung ku ang mga alahas. Walang labes walang kolang. Hindi pa polly-paid ang mga ‘yan ‘day kaya ‘wag mong galawen!”

23: Broadcaster Mike Enriquez: “Patay man o buhay, hinding-hindi ko kayo tantantara… excuse me pow… tatantanan!”

24: Ang Dating Daan’s Eliseo Soriano: “Put*@!~&%#+3^! Tar@n+@)()#%”

25: Kris Aquino: “Gosh naman Lord! Promise, if you extend my life on earth, I’ll be a good girl na. Deal or No Deal?”

26: Kuya Germs: “Walaaaaaaaaaaang… gisingan!””

27: Lolit Solis: “Teka muna, babati muna ako bago ako matsugi noh! Maraming salamat kina Dra. Vicky Belo, Maryann Opeña ng L.A., Ditas Magno, Mayor Lito Atienza, Ma’am Wilma Galvante, Atty. Felipe Gozon, Forever Flawless, Precy Ejercito, Atty. Rod Domingo, Yes Magazine, Joanne Maglipon, Douglas Quijano, Deo Endrinal, Boy Abunda, et cetera, et cetera.”

28: Madam Auring: “Nakikita ko…nakikita ko…hahaba pa ang aking buhay.” (And then she dies.)

Enjoy the long vacation!

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I BEG YOUR PARDON!

Erap Thanks GMA

Joseph Estrada who has consistently and repeatedly dismissed Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo as a cheater, a thief, a liar, and a power grabber thanked her for granting him executive clemency. And surprise… he even addressed her as “Your Excellency President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.” The Middle East wars, the European FMD outbreak, the Darfur genocide, the Asian earthquakes and tsunamis, and now this: Erap calling Gloria president?! Repent! Repent! The end of the world is near!

Erap’s Focus

JV Ejercito says his father, convicted plunderer and newly GMA-pardoned Joseph Estrada is now focusing on clearing his name. If that’s his plan, then expect more lies to come.

Erap & Jinggoy

Tabloid headline: “Erap, doesn’t want Jinggoy to make movies” Kami rin!

Corny Corner: Who’s Been Had?

Erap: “Hahaha. Naisahan ko si GMA. Binigyan niya ako ng pardon kapalit ng pagtawag ko sa kanya na presidente. Akala niya seryoso ako?! Hindi! Hahaha!”

GMA: “Hahaha. Naisahan ko si Erap. Tinawag niya akong presidente. Ako? Presidente!? I wish! Hahaha!”


Top 5 Signs that Erap and GMA Have Indeed Become Friends

5: Mikey Arroyo and Jinggoy Estrada agreeing to star in the local version of Brokeback Mountain

4: Joseph Estrada and Mike Arroyo deciding to play golf together regularly

3: Gloria Arroyo and Loi Ejercito start calling each other “‘Mare”

2: Luli Arroyo and Jude Estrada start calling each other “Sis!”

1: Gloria Arroyo appointing Joseph Estrada as “Anti-Plunder Czar”

In Other News…

Pinoy Priest Is a Thief

A Filipino Roman Catholic priest accused of stealing church donations to support his secret wife and their three children in the United States and wire money to the Philippines pleaded guilty to embezzling about $600,000 (P26 million) from two Roman Catholic churches in Virginia. Had he stayed in the country and ran for public office instead, he would have avoided committing the crime – because in here bundles of cash are given as a gift – even without any occasion or no specific reason at all.

Eradicating Jueteng, Again!

Philippine National Police chief Director General Avelino Razon Jr. wants illegal gambling particularly jueteng “killed” in all regions. He couldn’t be serious. That’s tantamount to killing all his regional directors!

Gay & Libelous

The law firm representing actors Piolo Pascual and Sam Milby insisted that Lolit Solis’ claim that she saw Piolo and Sam having coffee in a hotel a couple of weeks back implied that the actors were gay and therefore, libelous. Puwes, kung gano’n… kasuhan n’yo na rin sina Boy Abunda, Ricky Lo, Ricky Lee, Ricky Reyes, Ricky Rivero, Fanny Serrano, Rustom Padilla, Chito Alcid, Portia Ilagan, Jose Javier Reyes, Joel Lamangan, Arnell Ignacio, Manuel L. Quezon III, at Charito Planas. Isama n’yo na rin sina John Osmeña at Jamby Madrigal – dahil silang lahat… libelous!

Si Kuya Germs ba libelous din?

Have a great week ahead! Go out and vote!

NOON, NGAYON


NOON: Ang presidential pardon hinihiling sa pangulo
NGAYON: Ang presidential pardon iniaalok ng pangulo

NOON: Ang nahatulang kriminal diretso sa Bilibid
NGAYON: Ang nahatulang kriminal diretso sa rest house

NOON: Ang Christmas gift, masayang ibinibigay sa mga bata
NGAYON:
Ang Christmas gift, palihim na ibinibigay sa matatanda (governors and congressmen ang tawag sa kanila)


NOON: Sa lalawigan, ang bulkan sumasabog
NGAYON: Sa siyudad, ang mall sumasabog

NOON: Kapag may sumabog na bomba, dagsa ang aktibista sa kalsada
NGAYON: Kapag may sumabog na bomba, deadma! Dagsa ang tao sa Mall of Asia! May 3-day sale!

NOON: Ang opisyal ng Comelec, sinusuhulan
NGAYON: Ang opisyal ng Comelec, nanunuhol

NOON: Ang opisyal ng Comelec nagbibilang ng boto
NGAYON: Ang opisyal ng Comelec, nagbibilang ng balato

NOON: Ang presidente… kinatatakutan, iginagalang at minamahal
NGAYON: Ang presidente… kinatatakutan

NOON: Ang First Lady… either “sobrang kinasusuklaman” or “sobrang minamahal”
NGAYON: Ang First Gentleman… !*#%(*&@j?Y%$#*8$#9o{x%$#$@B!!

NOON: Kapag namatay ang pangulo, pinapalitan ng pangalawang pangulo
NGAYON: Kapag namatay ang pangulo… snap elections na lang!

NOON: Ang Katolikong nakikinig sa homily ng Obispo, naliliwanagan
NGAYON: Ang Katolikong nakikinig sa homily ng Obispo, nagagalit, gustong sumama sa rally

NOON: Naging uso – sari-saring produkto may lycopene
NGAYON: Usong-uso – sari-saring produkto, may formalin

NOON: Ang pulis, sumbungan ng mga biktima ng krimen
NGAYON: Ang pulis, isinusumbong ng mga biktima ng krimen

NOON: Ang All-Filipino Conference sa PBA, lahat Filipino
NGAYON: Ang All-Filipino Conference sa PBA, lahat Filipino – ang referee

NOON: (Kapag may bagyo) Motorista: “Lord, iligtas mo po ako sa baha”
NGAYON: (Kapag may bagyo) Motorista: “Lord, iligtas mo po ako sa billboard”

NOON: Kapag ang dalawang matinee idol na-chismis na bakla, asahan mo… promo lang ‘yan sa pelikula
NGAYON: Kapag ang dalawang matinee idol na-chismis na bakla, asahan mo… totoo! (Hello Lolit Solis!)

HOLY BOMB!

Glorietta 2 Bombing

Malacañang is offering two million pesos to anyone who could give any information on the perpetrators of Friday’s bomb attack in Glorietta 2. Everyone is encouraged to seize the opportunity since it’s so rare for the palace to give away such a huge sum… unless of course you’re a congressman or a local government executive who attends a breakfast meeting with the president.

Glorietta 2 Bombing II

The local government of Makati is offering another million for the capture of the Glorietta 2 bombing suspect(s). Makati City residents particularly those living in impoverished barangays are encouraged to seize the opportunity since that’s the biggest amount you could get from Mayor Jejomar Binay since he offered 150 pesos each to residents who would join anti-GMA protests on Ayala Avenue.

Glorietta 2 Bombing III

Authorities have confirmed that the explosion at Glorietta 2 was perpetrated by terrorists. But the attention-seeking Antonio Trillanes insists it’s the handiwork of the government. So, what’s the difference?

Glorietta 2 Bombing IV

The Communist Party of the Philippines condemned the bombing of Glorietta 2 at the Ayala Center in Makati City. The CPP is so angry at the perpetrators because it further exposed the NPA’s waning strength and the Reds’ lack of skill at launching a similar attack.

Glorietta 2 Bombing V

President Arroyo will convene next week the full National Security Council which includes House Speaker Jose De Venecia to discuss the Glorietta 2 bombing. Safety measures have been put in place in Malacañang because a GMA-JDV encounter could trigger another explosive.

Briefly Noted

Headline of People’s Journal online: “Chiz, nailigtas sa Glorietta bombing sa pagdalo sa Journal anniversary”


Uuuuuutang na loob! Ikunek daw talaga!

Corny Corner

Question: What do you call a small president?

Eh ‘di… Glorietta! (Now you know why terrorists targeted that mall.)

A Shot at a Guinness Record

In an attempt to break the Guinness Book record for the largest dance gathering in the world, over 8,000 people gathered at the Cultural Center of the Philippines complex in Pasay City during the launch of the Anlene Movement. In case you didn’t notice… that’s the latest trend in advertising.

INQUIRER BLUNDER

Inquirer Commits Huge Blunder

The Philippine Daily Inquirer committed a huge mistake when its banner story today, October 18 claimed that President Arroyo was present when bags of money were distributed to local government executives in Malacañang last week. It turned out that the three reporters who worked on the story misquoted their source: Manila Rep. Bienvenido Abante. Unluckily for the paper, its news item came from someone with a name and not just from the paper’s usual “anonymous source who refused to be identified.”

Inquirer Blunder II

The Philippine Daily Inquirer committed a huge mistake when its banner story today, October 18 claimed that President Arroyo was present when bags of money were distributed to local government executives in Malacañang. The reporters just misquoted their source. No wonder, when people were reading the Inquirer today, it felt like reading the Daily Tribune or Malaya.

Inquirer Blunder III

The Philippine Daily Inquirer committed a huge mistake when its top story today misquoted its source. Three reporters actually worked on the story: Dona Pazzibugan, Christian V. Esguerra, and Norman Bordadora. The newspaper has “sincerely apologized” while persistent rumors say the erring reporters have emailed their curriculum vitae to the Philippine Star.

Inquirer Blunder IV

The Philippine Daily Inquirer committed a huge mistake in its top story today, October 18. Now that explains why Ex-PDI employee and Manila Standard Today columnist Victor Agustin is having a field day.


Top 5 New Tagline Suggestions Rejected by the Philippine Daily Inquirer

5: Etchos News, Chuva Views

4: Biased News, Careless Views

3: ErroNews, Fear Our Views

2: What News? Just Views!

And the No. 1 new tagline suggestion rejected by the Philippine Daily Inquirer…

1: PDI Forever: Mali man ang bulletin, star pa rin!

Cory Denies Atienza’s Claim

Former president Corazon Aquino has categorically denied former Manila Mayor Lito Atienza’s claim that giving of cash gifts to local government executives has been a normal practice in Malacañang. Actually, there was no need for Cory to deny. The government had absolutely nothing to give during her term.

A Moral Revolution

House Speaker Jose De Venecia, the “godfather” of “pork barrel” himself, is calling for a “moral revolution” to eradicate graft and corruption in all branches of government. And we all thought that it was his son Joey who was on drugs!

A Moral Revolution II

House Speaker Jose De Venecia wrote a letter to President Arroyo asking her to lead a so-called “moral revolution” towards eradicating graft & corruption in the country. De Venecia got it all wrong. He should be writing the Vatican instead because wiping out the massive graft & corruption in this country would require 40 days and 40 nights of Great Flood.

Gonzales on Corruption

National Security Adviser Norberto Gonzales says he will urge President Arroyo’s cabinet to consider corruption as a “national security threat” which must be eradicated. Reporters tried to get the reaction of President Arroyo but she was reportedly busy talking to a search committee she just formed to scout for Gonzales’ potential replacement.

Google Search Results

According to statistics, Internet surfers in the Philippines, more than any other in the world, are the most frequent users of Google search engine for sites that contain the words corruption, poverty and homosexual. That’s corruption, poverty, and homosexual – the government, the people, and the Church.

Google Search Results II

According to statistics, web surfers from the Philippines are also the most frequent searchers of the word “love.” The study didn’t say if it was homosexual love.

CPP: “Ka Roger” Is Alive

The Communist Party of the Philippines insists that New People’s Army spokesman Gregorio “Ka Roger” Rosal is alive… which is actually hard to believe because there has been no reported bombing of Globe cell sites for almost a year.

Postscript to Ka Bel’s Accident

Leftist representative Crispin Beltran who recently figured in a car accident sought a thorough probe of the road mishap believing that it could be the handiwork of government agents. But an impartial investigation has just revealed that Beltran was not wearing his seatbelt when he sustained injuries in the accident. Yes, Ka Bel… there’s certainly nothing ideological in here! Someone stupid just forgot to follow the Seatbelt Law. At hindi kami ‘yon!

Enjoy your weekend!

DIVERSIONARY TACTIC

Top 5 News Items that Can Surely Divert Public Attention From the Malacañang Bribery Scandal

5: Luli Arroyo admitting that she actually participated once in a pot session with Jose “Joey” De Venecia III.

4: Jamby Madrigal joining Pinoy Big Brother Celebrity Edition. On the penultimate episode, a butterfly lands on her hands, she weeps, and then shocks the whole nation as she reveals something about her sexuality!

3: A very healthy Jonas Burgos surfacing then talking about his life-changing experience as an alien abductee.

2: A male prostitute filing a sexual molestation suit. The suspect: Father Ed Panlilio, governor of Pampanga!

And the no. 1 news item that can surely divert public attention from the Malacañang bribery scandal…

1: First Gentleman Jose Miguel Arroyo going under the knife again for a heart-related disease, this time… unsuccessfully.

Archbishop Chides Panlilio

Archbishop Oscar Cruz chided Pampanga Gov. Ed Panlilio for accepting the 500 thousand-peso cash gift from Malacañang. Cruz is so angry that Panlilio never bothered to check the source of the money… but he is angrier that while the priest gets hundreds of thousands of pesos, his (bishop’s) parish couldn’t even collect a thousand during a Sunday mass.

Father Ed Writes to Malacañang

Father Ed Panlilio sent Malacañang a letter and asked for the source of the 500 thousand peso-cash gift he was given last week. Panlilio is afraid of God… but he’s more afraid of Archbishop Cruz.

“Normal Practice”

Environment Sec. Lito Atienza says giving of cash gifts to local government executives by Malacañang has been a normal practice even during his term as mayor of Manila. Nothing much has changed, really. It’s just that during his term, priests have not been elected to office.

  New Impeachment Complaint

The United Opposition will file a new impeachment complaint against President Arroyo. Administration solons are excited – the stench of a bonus from Malacañang is in the air.

Manila to the Rescue

Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim has ordered massive rescue operations for children addicted to solvents and other drugs. The shooting of a film in Manila starring Niño Muhlach has been temporarily cancelled.

Mistaken Identity

A Malaysian woman who had sex with a houseguest says she mistakenly thought the man was her husband and has filed a complaint that she was raped. That’s nothing compared to what happened in the Philippines: A populace mistakenly thought that the woman in power was the duly elected president. They filed a complaint after she abused them but the complaint was repeatedly junked.

THE GIFT

Christmas Gift

Three more solons have confirmed reports that congressmen who attended a breakfast meeting called by President Arroyo in Malacañang last Thursday received cash gifts amounting from 200 to 500 thousand pesos. Next year, expect another impeachment complaint to be filed against GMA – it’s the newest, surest and fastest way to earn money.

2008 Budget Approved

The House of Representatives has approved the 1.23 trillion-peso national budget for 2008 after a marathon session. Basta pagkakakitaan… mabilis!

 End of Ramadan

Friday was a holiday. Muslims celebrated the end of Ramadan in mosques. Christians celebrated the start of a long weekend in malls.

Photo Warning on Cigarettes

Anti-tobacco advocates want Congress to pass a law requiring that photographs of the ill effects of smoking be printed on cigarette packs. One of the early suggestions was to use the photo of Miss Nora Aunor.

PBA Opens

The Philippine Basketball Association or PBA opens tomorrow, October 14. It will be an All-Filipino Conference… meaning all Filipino players will have to watch from the bench while Fil-Shams play on the hard court.

VULTURES

VULTURES IN OUR MIDST. They use different names to hide their real identity: representatives, congressmen, solons, lawmakers. But behind the cameras, they transform into what they actually are – vultures. Vultures have a special eating habit. It is called corruption. They feast on millions of pesos of taxpayers’ money. Together, let’s stop the vultures’ bad eating habit. Fight corruption, fight the vultures. (Photo taken from Inquirer.net)

WHAT MAKES US HAPPY

Holding On Together

Amid talks of division following a bribery attempt by a Kampi executive, President Arroyo reportedly told her party allies: “Let’s hold on together.” Minutes later, there was a worried look on her face… because the last time her allies tried to “hold on together,” the very next day they were gathered in a hotel, asking her to step down.

Filipinos’ Source of Happiness

A recent study conducted by the National Statistical and Coordination Board reveals that family, health, and religion are the three most important sources of happiness for Filipinos. When you’re with your family, you become happy. When you have a healthy body, you become happy. And when you hear Mike Velarde, Bro. Eddie, Bro. Ely, the ministers of INC and the bishops of CBCP talk about righteousness and morality… how can you not be happy? They are sooo funny!

Filipinos’ Source of Happiness II

According to a study conducted by the National Statistical and Coordination Board, sex was ranked among the five least important source of happiness for Filipinos. If a survey on hypocrisy would be conducted right now, Filipinos would be at the top.

SWS Survey

Senate President Manuel Villar got the highest satisfaction rating among top government officials in the latest Social Weather Stations survey. That means Panfilo Lacson’s and Jamby Madrigal’s “efforts” against the guy haven’t paid off.

SWS Survey II

According to the latest SWS survey, Chief Justice Reynato Puno got a net satisfaction rating of -5… which is quite understandable. Who would be satisfied by a 67-year-old?

Jinggoy Threatened?

Senator Jinggoy Estrada revealed that he received a death threat around 1 pm last Monday. I thought he has made peace with JV?!

Heartbreak and Death

A study conducted in London has shown that a broken heart from a bad marriage can boost the risk of a heart disease. Kelan nga na-ospital si Mike Arroyo?


Kyla on Her Vegas Performance

R&B singer Kyla on her rendition of the Philippine National Anthem during the Pacquiao-Barrera fight: “I was singing not as Kyla. I was singing as a Filipino.” Of course you were! You actually looked like a human sapin-sapin! What could be more Filipino than that?!

PANALO!

A JUBILANT President Arroyo congratulated Manny Pacquiao for his latest triumph, calling it as a “well-deserved”‘ win – the kind of victory she has been hoping to experience since 2001.

A united Philippines witnessed Manny Pacquiao’s victory against Mexican Marco Antonio Barrera. The exciting bout is now over. But don’t you worry; more fights are soon coming – in the Senate.

Manny Pacquiao’s fight against Marco Antonio Barrera lasted for 12 full rounds – exactly what the advertisers hoped for.

For defeating Marco Antonio Barrera, Manny Pacquiao earned a huge sum of money. But that’s nothing compared to the huge earnings of GMA 7.

Reports say Moro Islamic Liberation Front or MILF spokesman Eid Kabalu was very disappointed that Manny Pacquiao failed to finish off Marco Antonio Barrera via a knock down. In fact, a knock out win against Barrera wouldn’t have satisfied Kabalu and the MILF. They wanted to behead the Mexican.

Pacquiao’s devout Catholic mother, Mrs. Dionesia Pacquiao, would light one candle for every round of her son’s 12-round battle against Barrera. After the fifth round, Aling Dionesia was overheard telling a neighbor, “Dong, bili ka pa ng kandela. Lima lang tung niridi ku!”

GMA talent and the country’s R&B princess Kyla led the singing of the Philippine National Anthem at  the Pacquiao-Barrera fight. She sang it perfectly and correctly nobody bothered to talk about it after.

Rumors say Manny Pacquiao’s wife Jinkee has expressed interest to learn boxing herself. She wants to be ready in case she bumps into Ara Mina.