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LEAKED! DUTERTE’S SONA II SPEECH

21 07 2017

01Dutz
State of the Nation Address
of
Rodrigo R. Duterte
President of the Philippines

[To be delivered at the Session Hall of the House of Representatives,
Batasang Pambansa Complex, Quezon City on July 24, 2017]

SPEAKER PANTALEON Alvarez, Senate President Aquilino ‘Koko’ Pimentel III, Vice President Leni Robredo, Chief Justice Maria Lourdes Sereno, former presidents Fidel V. Ramos, Joseph Ejercito Estrada, Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo and Benigno, wala yata si gago. ‘T*ng i*a, kung ayaw mong umattend, eh ‘di wag. Sinong nawalan? Yawa! (Canned Laughter)

Members of the House of Representatives and the Senate; distinguished members of the diplomatic corps (Pause) May taga-EU ba dito? (Silence) Wala?!? O takot lang kayo? (Canned Laughter) Fellow workers in government, mga minamahal kong kababayan…

Change is here. (5-minute applause, Standing ovation)

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.

,

.

,
Magsu-SUNA pa ba ako o papalakpak na lang kayo maghapon? (Canned Laughter/Applause) Let me continue.

Sandali, sino bang operator ng teleprompter? Alisin mo muna ‘yan. ‘Di pa ako magbasa. Malito lang ako.

Alam n’yo, usually, bumabangon ako, mga alas-diyes, alas-onse, ganyan. Kanina, masama ang pakiramdam ko. Matulog pa sana ako hanggang ala-una kaya lang itong si Honeylet at si Kitty, ang ingay sa sala. Nagtaka ako, “Bakit sumisigaw ‘tong mag-ina?” Si Honeylet, narinig ko pa, “Patayin mo na ang pisting ‘yan! Patayin mo na!” ‘Tapos si Kitty naman, ang sabi, “Motherfucker ka!” Napabangon tuloy ako. Paglabas ko… nanood lang pala sila ng ‘Game of Thrones.’ ‘Tang ina akala ko kung sino nang patayin.

Kayo, nanood ba kayo ng Episode 2? (All: YES!)

Maganda ba? (All: YES!)

‘Tong si Kitty, crush daw ‘yung pilay na bata, Brandon yata ang pangalan. Si Honeylet naman, napugian kay Johnny Snow. (All: JON Snow!)

Eh ‘di JON Snow! Tang ina n’yong lahat, malay ko ba. Di naman ako fan niyang G-O-T na ‘yan. (Canned Laughter) Basta ako, pwede na sa akin ‘yung Sansa. Mukhang palaban. Hehehe (Silence)

O, baka sabihin na naman ni Risa Hontiveros, rape joke na naman. Ulol! Ikaw lang ang ‘di nakakaintindi ng jokes ko. ‘Yung 16 million, na-gets nila! So ikaw ang may problema! ‘Yung teleprompter, pakibalik!

Hindi na ako magpapaliguy-ligoy pa. Change has indeed come. (Applause)

Ang sabi ng ating mga kababayan, mabagal kumilos ang gobyerno. Totoo! Mabagal talaga. NOON ‘YUN! (Applause) Last week lang, mabilis naayos ng LTFRB ang isang mainit na transport issue. Sa katunayan, kanina, nag-Uber ako papunta rito! (Applause)

* * * * *

Nang ako ay maging pangulo, nangako akong magbibigay ng trabaho sa ating mga kababayan. Hindi naman sa pagmamayabang, tinupad ko ang pangakong ‘yan. Ngayong hapon, kasama natin dito sa Batasan ang tatlo sa pinakamasisipag kong appointees. Hindi lang sila sa office nagtatrabaho kundi pati sa mga rally laban kay Robredo. Palakpakan po natin sina Mocha Uson, Kat De Castro at Arnell Ignacio. (Applause)

Napag-uusapan na rin lang ang trabaho, ako ang tipo ng taong nagbibigay ng second chance sa mga nasisibak o nasususpindeng empleyado. ‘Kita n’yo naman, sa kabila ng kasong homicide, sa kabila ng mga batikos, balik-puwesto pa rin si Supt. Marvin Marcos. (Applause)

* * * * *

Bago ako naupo sa pwesto, may mga pulis na isinasangkot sa salvaging at kung saan-saan natatagpuan ang katawan ng biktima. Ngayon, hindi na ‘yan nangyayari. Dahil ‘pag ang pulis, may pinatay, doon na mismo sa Camp Crame! (Applause)

* * * * *

Maraming nagagalit kay General Bato dahil batugan daw. ‘Wag naman ganun. To be fair, grabe ang effort ni Bato para lang mapalapit sa ordinaryong tao ang ating kapulisan. These days, marami nang Pinoy ang hindi natatakot – dahil sa history ng PNP, ngayon lang ito nagkaroon ng official mascot! (Canned Laughter) Tawa lang?! Tang ina, hindi ‘yun joke. Pumalakpak kayo! (Applause)

* * * * *

Malamang, narinig n’yo na ang magandang balita mula sa SWS. Sabi sa report, nabawasan daw ang bilang ng mga Pinoy na lubog sa kahirapan! (Applause) Kita n’yo na? Tagumpay ang war on drugs! Tuloy ang patayan! (Applause)

* * * * *

Paulit-ulit ko itong sinasabi: kung walang addict, walang krimen. Kung walang krimen, walang matatakot magnegosyo. Two weeks ago, nasa Philippine Stock Exchange ako at iisa lang ang sinasabi ng mga negosyanteng nakasalubong ko: booming ang ekonomiya natin ngayon! (Applause) Napakalakas ng trade & business sector. Sa sobrang lakas, umabot sa Bilibid! Booming na ulit ang drug trade! (Applause)

* * * * *

Malapit nang simulan ang infrastructure projects na pinondohan ng Beijing. Pero may kumukuwestyon sa napakalaking pautang na ito ng China. Warning ng Forbes, the 167-billion dollar debt could balloon to as high as 452-billion dollars in the future. Sagutin n’yo nga ako: does the future exist? (Silence)

Tinatanong ko kayo: DOES THE FUTURE EXIST?

(Duterte Allies: NO!!!!!)

See? Inaalala n’yo ang future eh hindi naman ‘yan nag-e-exist. Anong problema ng ‘tang in@ng Forbes ‘yan? (Applause)

Sabayan n’yo ako: XIE XIE, BEIJING! One… two… three…

All: Xie xie Beijing! (Applause)

* * * * *

Itong Amerika, itong EU, at itong mga gagong human rights group na ito, ayaw pa rin akong tigilan dahil ipinakulong ko si De Lima. One-sided talaga ang mga p*t@ng i*@! Naka-focus sila sa ginawa kong “pagpapakulong” – pero ‘di nila pinapansin ang ginawa nating “pagpapalaya.” Nasaan ang fairness? Hindi ba’t Solicitor General ko ang tumulong upang maabswelto si Janet Napoles?!? (Applause)

* * * * *

As I have always said, priority ko rin ang welfare ng mga OFWs. Kaya when I heard na bumagsak sa almost 11-year-low ang piso, natuwa ako. This is for our modern day heroes. Sa mga nega d’yan sa pagbaba ng piso, pakyu! (Applause)

* * * * *

Marami ang nagtatanong sa akin tungkol sa kaso ni Noynoy. Sabi ko, mahina ang isinampa ng Ombudsman. Lulusot ‘yan. Siyempre, nagagalit ang pamilya ng mga namatay na SAF. ‘Di bale, sabi ko, makakaganti rin kayo. Effective July 23, may nationwide smoking ban na. Hindi na lalabas ng bahay ‘yan. Ma-bore man siya sa Times Street. Hashtag sad and alone. (Laughter/Applause)

* * * * *

Bago matapos ang aking termino, titiyakin kong magiging pederalismo ang porma ng ating gobyerno. (Applause)

In case namang ‘di tayo magtagumpay, eh ‘di monarchy na lang; tutal, meron na tayong King and Queen… of Fake News. (Silence)

‘T*ng in@ n’yo, tumawa kayo! Joke ‘yan! (Laughter/Applause)

* * * * *

Gusto ko sanang magsalita tungkol sa mga Komunista at sa mga rebeldeng NPA but I decided na ‘wag na lang. ‘Coz whenever I hear or talk about those Communists, I see red. (Laughter)

Salamat naman at na-gets n‘yo ang joke. Palakpakan n’yo ang mga sarili n’yo! (Applause)

Mga utu-uto!

* * * * *

Tapos na ang kampanya. Tama na ang divisiveness at batuhan ng putik. Tularan n’yo ang dating anti-Marcos na si Alan Peter Cayetano. Nang maluklok sa puwesto, biglang nanahimik. (Applause)

* * * * *

Simbolo ng tapang ng mga Pinoy ang anak ng Mindanao na si Senador Manny Pacquiao. Pero, ganyan talaga ang buhay, minsan nananalo; minsan natatalo. Ang importante, matanggap mo ang nangyari at mabilis kang maka-move on. ‘Yan din ang sinabi ko kay Bongbong Marcos. Sabi ko, “Bong, mabilis man ang taon. Hintayin mo na lang ang 2022.” Eh may kutob yata ang gago na mamamatay ako bago mag-2022 kaya gusto niyang mawala na si Leni. Gago rin ‘no? Hoy dong, malakas pa ako! (Laughter/Applause)

* * * * *

You cannot deny: ramdam na ramdan na natin ang malaking pagbabago sa iba’t ibang sektor ng lipunan. Here, there and everywhere – maging sa paborito kong ‘Philippine Daily Inquirer.’ (Applause) ‘T@ng i*@, finally dumating din ang araw n’yo! ‘Yung Dunkin Donuts n’yo, may utang pang buwis. Akala n’yo, ang linis n’yo! F*ck you! ‘Pag ako, nabwisit, mag-declare ako ng Martial Law sa Inquirer office! Punumpuno na ako sa inyo!

* * * * *

Nabanggit ko na rin lang ang media… pasalamat nga pala ako sa mga radio anchors kasi nag-monitor ako last week, lahat kayo patas. Kay Kabayan Noli De Castro, kay Ted Failon, kay Ka Tunying at sa partner niyang chubby, ‘kalimutan ko ang pangalan, sorry; kina Mike at Igan Arnold Clavio; kina Manong Joe Taruc, at Deo Macalma ng DZRH, siyempre sa Tulfo brothers na walang kapantay sa balanced journalism, at sa iba pang anchors na hindi biased magkumentaryo, thank you very much. Palakpakan natin sila! (Applause) Buti na lang, wala sa radyo ‘yung gagong Ed Lingao. ‘Yun… biased ‘yun!

* * * * *

Sanga pala, batiin ko lang sina Jake Zyrus at Angelina Mead King. I salute you and I respect you for embracing change. (Applause) ‘Yan naman talaga ang isinusulong ng aking administrasyon. Kay Jinggoy din na nanonood ngayon sa PNP Custodial Center, salamat sa tapang mo.

(Silence)

Sandali, bakit biglang napasama si Jinggoy dito? Hoy Martin Andanar, ano ‘to?! Sorry Mayor Erap.

* * * * *

Sa iba pang taga-showbiz na nangungulit sa text, ihahanap ko pa kayo ng puwesto. Hindi ko na kayo maisingit sa MTRCB. I have already appointed 589 board members doon. Thirty lang ang allowed. Baka mahalata na. Hintayin n’yo lang magkaroon ng vacancy sa iba. Thank you.

* * * * *

Bago ako magtapos, gusto ko nga palang magpasalamat sa 78 percent na nagsabing satisfied sila sa performance ko bilang presidente. Nang magdeklara ako ng Martial Law sa Mindanao, tumaas ang rating ko. Paano pa kaya kung buong Pilipinas na ito? Baka mag-95 percent na tayo. (Applause)

Gusto n’yo bang mag-declare ako ng Martial Law nationwide? (Silence)

Hindi na naman kayo sumasagot! Gusto n’yo bang mag-declare ako ng Martial Law nationwide?

(Majority of attendees: Nooooooooo!)

Ulol! Akala mo naman, may magagawa sila kung magdeklara ako!

Sa mga Ka-DDS na nakikinig at nanonood ngayon, huwag kayong magsasawa sa pagsuporta sa tunay na pagbabago! Change is already here. Ipagpatuloy lang natin! Maraming salamat at mabuhay tayong lahat! (Applause/Standing Ovation)
________________________________________________________________________________
‘There is no place in a fanatic’s head where reason can enter.’
~Napoleon Bonaparte

Sound Bites
“Have we become worn-out as a people, a tame hybrid of tanga-takot-tuta (ignorant, afraid, servile)? We have ceased to complain, much less protest, where before we whined. The traffic is worse; the MRT still breaks down; prices are rising; the bureaucracy is as slow as ever. Since December 2015 we have been waiting for our car plate. The EJKs go on, and not a peep. Have we dried up?”
~Asuncion David Maramba

“We had a number of meetings where we were told to be brave, to soldier on. Never did we think we’d be sold off to a Duterte campaign donor at that. Just imagine our disbelief.”
~Unidentified Inquirer employee re: Ramon Ang’s PDI buyout

In Memoriam
Chester Bennington

1976-2017

01Chester

You tried so hard and got so far
In the end, you DID matter, Chester.
Thank you for the music.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte: APA/AFP/Ted Aljibe; Chester Bennington: Metal Injection.Net)

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THIS THING CALLED P*T@NG I*N@

14 07 2017

0MarvinMarcos
PRESIDENT DUTERTE has ordered the reinstatement yet again of Supt. Marvin Marcos and 18 other cops tagged in the killing of Albuera, Leyte Mayor Rolando Espinosa Sr and another inmate last November 2016. Duterte has yet to clarify though if he ordered the reinstatement despite allegations Marcos is a ruthless killer or because of it.

Shortly after President Duterte ordered the reinstatement of Supt. Marvin Marcos, PNP Chief Ronald ‘Bato’ Dela Rosa gave the official a new assignment: as chief of the Criminal Investigation and Detection Group in Region 12 or Soccsksargen – prompting residents of the region to ask, “What have we done to deserve this?”

Saying police Supt. Marvin Marcos was just doing his job and was not physically present at the crime scene, President Duterte said the police officer should be reinstated. Return to duty, back to business. Or as that’s also called, the “Peter Lim moment.”

PNP Chief Ronald ‘Bato’ De La Rosa vowed to follow the President’s order to reinstate Supt. Marvin Marcos. Some of Duterte’s staunchest allies at the Senate are now criticizing Bato. They’re literally barking up the wrong tree.

PNP Chief Ronald ‘Bato’ De La Rosa followed the order of President Duterte to reinstate Supt. Marvin Marcos and 18 other cops tagged in the killing of two people last year. De La Rosa said, as PNP chief, he must follow the orders of Rodrigo Duterte who is the country’s Coddler-In-Chief.

Sen. Panfilo Lacson said, “There is a phrase to describe this whole damn thing: Putang ina!” He vowed to lead a Senate inquiry on the matter. Rumors say the President is willing to attend the hearing. Majority bloc senators can’t wait to sit, jump, roll over, and play dead when he arrives.

0Score
Snubbed
Reports say Philippine President and ASEAN chairman Rodrigo Duterte was snubbed by the organizers of the G20 Summit held recently in Hamburg, Germany.  In attendance were the likes of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe, Indonesian President Jokowi Widodo, Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi and controversial US President Donald Trump. Organizers say they did not invite Duterte because they only have room for one monster.

Indicted
Ombudsman Conchita Carpio Morales has ordered the filing of charges against former president Benigno S. Aquino III for usurpation of authority and graft in connection with the botched 2015 Mamasapano operation. Things aren’t looking up for the former president. On July 23, the government will start implementing the nationwide smoking ban.

Ombudsman Conchita Carpio Morales has ordered the filing of charges against former president Benigno S. Aquino III. When the Ombudsman’s harshest critics were asked if they’re still pursuing the impeachment complaint against her, they replied, “What’s that?”

Re-scored
An independent panel of five judges was formed by the World Boxing Organization to watch (without sound) and re-score the controversial Pacquiao-Horn fight. The independent panel has just confirmed the outcome: it was 7 rounds to 5 in favor of the LGBTQ community.

0Score
Three of the five independent judges awarded the fight to Horn, one scored a draw and one judge awarded the fight to Pacquiao. In a statement, Senator Pacquiao said, “Nothing surprises me now. We have seen worse judgments in the past where judges manipulated results.” And Timothy Bradley was like, “Pwede, mag-move on ka na?”

Immediately after the outcome of the independent review came out, Manny Pacquiao tweeted that he love the sport of boxing and “until the passion is gone,” he will continue to fight for God, family, fans and country. Or as that’s collectively known, “Bob Arum.”

Drill
Some people are still complaining about the MMDA’s earthquake drill, which resulted in heavy traffic. They’re upset that it was conducted on July 14, a rainy payday, Friday. Spoiler Alert, people: Real earthquakes won’t definitely give a fuck about your tantrums.

0ATM
Trapped
In Texas, a customer who was about to withdraw money from an ATM got the surprise of his life when he heard a voice coming from the machine. It turned out that a man got trapped inside the ATM full of money. Unconfirmed reports say the guy was a Filipino congressman.
——————————————————————————————————————————————–
“When a leader encourages the culture of impunity, the society is lost and it makes the work harder for the rest of us.”
~ Wole Soyinka

Sound Bites
“General Bato, fix the killings of people riding on motorcycles. Alagad kayo ng batas, ayusin niyo ang batas hindi ang kabaro n’yo. That must be addressed by General Bato. Babaguhin ko na pangalan ni General Bato, lalagyan ko na ng ‘Gan’ para ‘Batogan.’”
~Sen. Richard Gordon, a staunch Duterte ally

“Duterte not only set the murderers free, he now gave back their badges and guns so they could murder again with impunity. Why? Because Duterte fears that these policemen might rat out on him for what they know about his involvement in the Espinosa murder.”
~Sen. Antonio Trillanes

“He’s goading people to kill people. That’s a problem. The directive to kill people under any situation in respective of the context to me, that’s not acceptable.”
~Ombudsman Conchita Carpio Morales

Indeed.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Supt. Marcos: Richard Reyes/Inquirer.Net; Pacquiao/Horn: World Boxing Organization]





THIS IS NOT FAKE NEWS (PART 2)

9 07 2017

ANOTHER dose of graphs and charts on Philippine government, politics and society. Have fun!

1. DOUBLE STANDARD?
Hypocrites

2. PRIORITIES
Priority

3. ADDICTION
Addicts

4.RESURGENCE
Vitaliano Aguirre

5. HOBBY
PNP Chief Sked

6. REMATCH
Manny Pacquiao

7. MEDIA MILEAGE
Lawmakers Statements

8. FAKE NEWS
Fanatics Fake News

9. LAZY
Headlines

10. “JOURNALISTS”
Tulfo

11. GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE
Trolls

12. LAWMAKERS
Senate K9

13. FILM PESTS
MMFF 2017

14. WEATHER-WEATHER LANG
Seasons

And more…

15. BLACK OUT
Stormy

16. DISASTERS
PraysFror

17. WALANG TULUGAN
Sleep

18. TO BE HONEST…
On My Way
______________________________________________________________________________________
“Police not enforcing laws results in a high crime rate that is formally reported as a low crime rate in police statistics.”
~Steven Magee

Sound Bites
“It’s quite offensive to treat us like trash bin for abusive cops. And to use the Marawi siege as a punishment shows insensitivity.”
~Assemblyman Zia Alonto Adiong on the PNP’s decision to send police scalawags to Marawi City

Exactly.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[All graphs were provided by Graphjam.com]





NOW YOU KNOW

3 07 2017

1hORN
UNHERALDED AUSTRALIAN Jeff Horn scored a controversial unanimous decision win over Manny Pacquiao in Brisbane. The fight lasted 12 rounds and some analysts faulted Pacquiao for this. He took an assignment lightly and failed to do his job well. Apparently, Pacquiao thought he was at the Senate.

According to Compubox, Pacquiao outlanded Horn, 182 to 92 but the three judges at ringside scored the fight 117-111, 115-113, and 115-113 all for the former school teacher. Horn took home the WBO welterweight belt while Pacquiao went home with a “WTF just happened?!?” look on his face.

1PacHorn
Despite the controversial loss, Malacañang said, “Nothing will change. Manny Pacquiao will remain our People’s Champ.” And a Duterte lackey, a death penalty advocate, an EJK supporter, and a Bible-quoting bigot.

Some lawmakers and several Pacquiao allies in both chambers of Congress lamented the loss saying he was “robbed.” Whether you agree with them or not, you can’t just dismiss the opinion of people who are experts on robbery.

1Jinkee
Interviewed after his stunning defeat, Manny Pacquiao thanked his Filipino fans and his family for rallying behind him. He also expressed appreciation to his wife, Jinkee for her unblinking support.

Pacquiao’s trainer Freddie Roach says Manny should seek a rematch and then retire because “he’s got nothing left to prove.” Pacquiao said he’ll make a final decision after consulting with his family, his wife Jinkee, and the BIR.

For Manny Pacquiao, the rematch, if there would be one, should take place in Manila. Jeff Horn is worried though since people who fight back in Manila end up being dead.

Interviewed after the controversial 12-round fight, Jeff Horn revealed his wife was pregnant. And it took them only three rounds to make that happen.

1Vicious Fan
Angry and bitter fans of Manny Pacquiao flooded Jeff Horn’s social media accounts with insults, profanities, curses and sexist comments. Foreign media described the comments as “vicious” – Or as that’s also called here in the Philippines, “presidential.”
———————————————————————————————————————————–
“Karma bides it’s time. You will always have to watch out. Karma is unforgiving and always gets payback.”
~Benjamin Bayani

Sound Bites
“I’ve just believed since I was very young that I could do this.”
~Jeff Horn

1hORN
Now you know.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Jeff Horn:AP Photo/Tertius Pickard; PacHorn: Getty Images; Pacman and Jinkee: Dyan Castillejo/ANC]





FACT OR FAKE? YOU CHOOSE

26 06 2017

FIND OUT if you are updated. Select an answer by clicking it, and you’ll know right away if you got it right. Good luck!

1DuterteTravels

Sa unang taon pa lang niya sa office, 17 countries na agad ang nabisita ni President Duterte ayon sa Inquirer Research. Ilang beses siya bumiyahe?
36
Wrong! Ano ‘yun, 3x a month?! Wala nang ginawa kundi bumiyahe?
28
Mali! Pero gusto nina Sandra Cam at Mocha Uson ‘yan! Join daw sila.
21
Correct! Official lahat ‘yan. ‘Di pa kasama ang check-up. Ooops. Erase! Erase! Erase!

1Fake News

Who is the author of Senate Bill No. 1492 or An Act Penalizing the Malicious Distribution of False News and Other Related Violations?
Sen. Sonny Trillanes
Where have you been?
Sen. Joel Villanueva
Correct! Lakas ng tsamba!
Sen. Sonny Angara
Mali ka! You armchair expert!

1KingandQueenofFakeNews

Ano ang pamagat ng tele-radio program nina Martin Andanar at Mocha Uson?
DDS Podcast
Correct! ‘Di man lang pinag-isipan ‘no? But then again, what do you expect?
Tunay na Pagbabago!
Wrong! I can’t blame you though. Who would wanna listen to them?
Sulong, Pilipinas!
Mali! But it’s ok. We understand.

1Abby Binay

Nag-post ng picture si Vicki Belo after ng civil wedding nila ni Hayden Kho. Online, ang nagkasal kina Vicki at Hayden na si Makati City Mayor Abby Binay ay napagkamalang __________.
Maid ni Vicki Belo
Wrong! Pero ‘di kita masisi.
Alalay ni Hayden Kho
Wrong! Bawal ang babaeng alalay for Hayden. #AlamMoNa
Yaya ni Scarlet Snow Belo
Tama! At walang masama sa pagiging yaya. Masama ‘yung nagpapayaman sa puwesto.

1MMDA

Nagalit si MMDA Chairman Danilo Lim nang tanungin ng media tungkol sa mga plano nito upang maresolba ang matinding traffic sa Metro Manila. Sagot ni Lim:
“Gusto n’yong gawin ko ang solusyon eh isang buwan pa lang ako dito!”
Correct! May pagka-pikon si General. Afraid!
“Ang dami n’yong reklamo. Kayo kaya ang maupo sa MMDA!”
Mali! Katulad ng mga naging ex mo, mali!
“Kung magsalita kayo, parang kayo lang ang nata-traffic ah!”
Wrong! Sa love life nga, ‘di ka na tumama; pati ba naman sa quiz?!

1McCann

Hinamong “magpapawis” (suntukan) ni Erwin Tulfo ang award-winning investigative journalist na si Ed Lingao matapos punahin ni Lingao ang paggamit ni Tulfo ng fake news sa kanyang pambabatikos sa radyo. Ngunit sagot ni Lingao, kung gusto talaga ni Tulfo na pawisan, ito raw ang dapat niyang gawin.
Makipagsuntukan kay Claudine Barretto
Wrong! Hindi pa nga nakakabawi ang mga Tulfo eh. Tama na!
Kumain ng sili
Mali! Napakaanghang na nga ng bunganga niya eh. ‘Wag nang dagdagdan.
Mag-isip
Tama ka! ‘Yun daw ang dapat gawin ni Erwin Tulfo: mag-isip. Ang tanong: capable ba?

1BPI

Dahil sa glitch sa kanilang system recently, magkano raw ang “mistakenly withdrawn” mula sa BPI accounts?
P46-million
Correct! At fault daw ‘yun ng isa nilang programmer. May trabaho pa kaya siya?
P16-million
Wrong! Grade school pa lang, mahina ka na sa numbers. Until now pala.
P26-million
Mali! Puro headlines lang kasi ang binabasa mo! Tamad!

1FemaleOble

Kontrobersyal ang likhang-sining na ito ng artist na si Ferdinand Cacnio. Marami raw kasi itong kahalintulad na sculpture sa ibang bansa. Dubbed by the media as the floating “female Oblation,” what was the name given by Cacnio to his work?
UPsilon
Wrong! Kesyo Greek word, akala mo, ‘yun ang tama. You’re a disgrace to the society!
UPrising
Huhula ka na rin lang, mali pa! Hayyyy!
UPlift
Correct! Masaya ka na?

1lesbian

Kamakailan, nagulat ang members ng isang Church nang magsalita sa harapan ang isang 13-year-old girl at inaming siya ay lesbian! Ayun, inoff ang kanyang mikropono. Sa anong congregation siya kabilang?
Church of Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons)
Correct! Ang homophobic lang.
Iglesia Ni Cristo
Wrong! No further comment.
Jesus Is Lord Movement
Mali ka! Pray ka pa nang konti para tumama.

1Xennials

May termino ang isang sociologist for the micro-generation born between 1977 and 1983. Sila raw ang mix ng pessimistic Generation X at ng optimistic Millennials. Ano ang tawag sa kanila?
Xennials
Correct! In fairness, nabasa mo yata ang article about this.
GeneXials
Wrong! Obvious na obvious; nanghula ka lang.
Millexes
Mali ka na naman! Wala ka talagang silbi sa mundo.

1ben

Bonus Question: To the rescue kay Erwin Tulfo ang kapatid na si Ben Tulfo. He “pulvorized” (pahiram ng term mo, Ben)  investigative journalist Ed Lingao on radio. Tanong: Kung may aalisin si Ben Tulfo sa kanyang katawan, alin dito ang dapat niyang unahin:
Fake accent
To be fair, mas nauna ang fake accent kesa fake news!
Shades
Umuulan, may shades? Nasa loob ng radio booth, may shades? Action star ka!?
Mohorovičić discontinuity
Wala lang. Gusto ko lang isama sa choices. ‘Di naman niya alam kung ano ‘yun eh.

——————————————————————————————————————————————-
“No matter how kind you are, always expect a few imbeciles.”
~Criss Jami,Healology

Sound Bites
“At a time when it has become even more difficult to ferret truth from lies, spins and fakery, we hereby restate our firm promise to a high sense of responsibility and honesty in the practice of our chosen profession. We do so as we express our support to our esteemed colleague Ed Lingao who is now being pilloried and threatened by some quarters.”
~National Union of Journalists of the Philippines (NUJP)

Great.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Sources:
Duterte the Traveler; Photo: ABS-CBN News

Anti-Fake News Bill; Photo: Webbox.com.ph

Vicki Belo-Hayden Kho Wedding; Photo: Instagram/@victoria_belo

BPI Bank Systems Glitch; Photo: GMA Network

MMDA and Traffic; Photo: ABSCBN News

Ed Lingao vs. Erwin Tulfo
Ed Lingao vs. Ben Tulfo

Female Oblation; Photo: Ferdinand Cacnio’s Facebook Page

Church of Christ of Latter-Day Saints; Photo: Spreadshirt.ca

Xennials, the micro generation born between 1977 and 1983 are a ‘mix between pessimists and optimists’





THE MUMMY, THE DESCENDANT & OTHER STORIES

20 06 2017

1BatoRizal
JUNE 19 marked the 156th birth anniversary of Dr. Jose P. Rizal. Interviewed at the Rizal Shrine in Calamba, Laguna, PNP Chief Ronald ‘Bato’ Dela Rosa claimed he was a descendant of our national hero. In response, Jose Rizal said, “This has got to be my worst birthday ever.”

On the celebration of the 156th birth anniversary of Dr. Jose Rizal, PNP Chief Bato Dela Rosa told the media he was a “proud descendant” of our national hero. Like Rizal, Bato says, he loves the Filipinos and he loves the Philippines. And he also loves attention.

State of Health
Is he sick? Is he in the hospital? Is he dying? After making himself scarce for five working days, President Duterte resurfaced in Butuan City last Sunday. He told the media, “I’m good. I’m alive.” Even Death doesn’t want to have anything to do with him.

When pressed about the issue, the President said, “I went on a trip somewhere. I cannot divulge it. I have to go there incognito. That’s the truth.” Of these four statements though, Malacañang has yet to identify which ones are hyperbole and which ones are not.

1CVUnli

Unli-Rice
Last week, netizens hit Sen. Cynthia Villar for saying unli-rice promos in restaurants should be prohibited because eating too much rice may lead to diabetes. A day later, Mrs. Villar clarified she just voiced out a legitimate health concern and was not pushing for a ban on unli-rice promos. And Senator Drilon was like, “Good to know.”

Slide
According to the World Economic Forum, the country’s ranking in the 2017 Travel and Tourism Competitiveness Index dropped five places to 79th spot out of 136 countries. As of this morning, the Department of Tourism is still trying to figure out a way to blame this on McCann Worldgroup.

1McCann

Dropped
As we all know, the Department of Tourism decided to cut ties with McCann Worldgroup amid allegations the agency copied its ‘Experience the Philippines’ ad from South Africa’s tourism advertisement. The public now wants to know what agency will replace McCann; when will the new ad be released, and why on earth is Wanda Teo still the DOT secretary?!?

The Mummy
Tom Cruise’s latest film, ‘The Mummy’ is performing poorly at the box office. ‘The Mummy’ tells the story of an awakened female monster who embarks on a furious rampage; wreaking havoc and destruction with the help of her minions by spreading fake news and hate on social media.
—————————————————————————————————————————————
“Blaming others is an act of refusing to take responsibility. When a person can’t accept the fact or the reality, they blamed another person or the situation instead of taking accountability.”
~Dee Dee Artner
1McCann

Burn Tulfo, Burn!
Investigative journalist Ed Lingao who was unfairly and viciously attacked on-air by Radyo Singko host Erwin Tulfo (and online, by Dutertrolls) posted a rejoinder on Facebook. This is our ‘Burn of the Week.’ Reposting the screen caps from Mr. Lingao’s Facebook account.
1EdL1
1EdL2
1EdL3
1EdL4
1EdL5

Sound Bites
“Sa kama lang naman ako, kayo naman. Coma? Kung coma ako, eh ‘di wala ako dito para mamutang ina.”
~President Duterte on health-related rumors

“Kung mag-research ka, makita n’yo sa kanilang family tree, sa mother side, meron doong nakalagay, isa sa mga lola niya Inez dela Rosa kaya ‘yun ang kina-capitalize ko na kine-claim ko na descendant ako ni Jose Rizal.”
~PNP Chief Bato Dela Rosa

Patahimikin n’yo na si Rizal. Please lang. Thank you.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Bato: Inquirer.net; Cynthia Villar: ABSCBN News; McCann/DOT: Rappler; Ed Lingao: PCIJ]





THIS IS NOT FAKE NEWS

10 06 2017

PHILIPPINE government and politics presented in graphs and charts. Enjoy and share!

1. P*TANG I*A!
3Languages

2. ALTERNATIVE FACTS
3Vacant

3. INTEL SOURCES
3Aguirre Intel

4. STUBBORN LOT
3Sharing

5. LIAR, LIAR
3BlameMedia

6. RESORTS WORLD ATTACK
3lEILA dELIMA

7. ZERO CREDIBILITY
3Pinocchio

8. DIEHARD
3Profile Fake Info

9. TARGETS
3DrugLords

10. THE CHIEF OF POLICE
3BatoDelArosajpg

11. THE CHOSEN ONES
3BayadUtang

12. MARKED MEN
3Enemies

13. THE SCAPEGOAT
3Leni

14. COMMON SENSE
3Wisdom

15. RAPE JOKES AND MISOGYNY
3rAPE jOKES

16. ARF! ARF!
3Puppies
_______________________________________________________________________________________
“You can’t debate satire. Either you get it or you don’t.”
~Michael Moore

Sound Bites
“It is bad enough that you have shown no qualms about throwing the law, the truth and justice out the window in your headlong rush to persecute – sorry, prosecute – perceived foes of the administration. But trying to blame others for your blunders unmasks you as a mean-spirited coward.”
~National Union of Journalists in the Philippines to DOJ Sec. Vitaliano Aguirre

Serves you right.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Images of graphs and charts from Graphjam.com; Copy: TPH]





THE GUNMAN AND WONDER WOMAN

5 06 2017

2Jessie
THE LONE GUNMAN in the Resorts World Manila attack last week has been identified. In a press conference Sunday, the parents of suspect Jessie Javier Carlos apologized to the victims of the incident that left 38 people dead. Thirty-eight! Tragic. The only thing more tragic is having Bato De La Rosa as PNP chief.

Police said robbery was the motive behind the attack. House Speaker Pantaleon Alvarez disagreed saying it was “a clear example of a ‘lone wolf’ terrorist attack targeting civilians to inflict maximum loss of life and damage to property.” It wasn’t clear how Alvarez arrived at his conclusion or why was he even talking about something that happened in Metro Manila when he’s from Mindanao.

Shortly after announcing the name of the gunman, NCRPO chief Oscar Albayalde reiterated, “This is not an act of terrorism. This incident is confined to the act of one man alone.” When Pantaleon Alvarez heard this, he texted President Duterte, “Boss o, he’s contradicting his own government.”

NCRPO Chief Oscar Albayalde said, “This is not an act of terrorism. We will not allow people or any group to use this situation to advance their propaganda or personal causes.” And Pantaleon Alvarez was like, “Inaano ba kita?”

2Trump

Immediately after news of the Resorts World attack broke, the madman in the White House – in a speech, carelessly labeled the incident as an act of terror. “I would like to begin by addressing the terrorist attack in Manila. We’re closely monitoring the situation,” said US President Pantaleon Trump.

The lone gunman, Jessie Javier Carlos was a dismissed Finance Department employee who got addicted to casino gambling. State-run PAGCOR which operates gaming establishments like casinos, said it would put in place measures to curb gambling addiction. In other news, McDonald’s and Coca-Cola vowed to promote healthy eating habits.

#MarCha on RTVM
Malacañang has launched a radio/podcast hosted by Martin Andanar and Mocha Uson on government station Radio TV Malacañang or RTVM. The title of the weekly program is FNN – Fake News Ngayon.

Logan… Live! 
Last week, Radio TV Malacañang or RTVM “accidentally” live-streamed the film ‘Logan’ on its official Facebook page. It was obviously a pirated copy of the movie shown in the Philippines three months ago. RTVM has apologized for livestreaming ‘Logan’ saying, “It’s an old film. We should have livestreamed ‘Wonder Woman’ instead.”

2WW

Wonder Woman
People are talking about the blockbuster and critically-acclaimed film ‘Wonder Woman.’ Wonder Woman is a fictional superhero appearing in DC Comics. A high-skilled fighter, Wonder Woman fights bad guys using a variety of weapons including a magical sword, the bracelets of victory, and the lasso of truth otherwise known as Mocha Uson’s worst nightmare.
______________________________________________________________________________________
“In a time of deceit telling the truth is a revolutionary act.”
~George Orwell

Sound Bites
“May Congress ba tayo? Puro tameme. Itong Senate and House, they are not voices, they are echoes. Kung anong sasabihin ni Digong, ‘Yes sir, yes sir!’”
~Former Senator Rene Saguisag

Truth.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: NCRPO Chief/Gunman: Romeo Ranoco/Reuters; Trump: AP/Evan Vucci; Wonder Woman: (Clay Enos/Warner Bros.]





FAKE NEWS AGENCY

30 05 2017

1FakeNA2
NETIZENS slammed the State-run Philippine News Agency (PNA) and its head Martin Andanar for using a Vietnam War photo (sans attribution) for its article on the Marawi City siege. The article was even re-posted by Assistant Sec. Oh No A Scum in her Facebook page. Earlier in May, the PNA also uploaded “fake news” on extrajudicial killings in the country.

On Tuesday, May 30, Andanar’s office issued a statement saying the mistakes “have cast doubt on our integrity.” What integrity?!

1FakeNA

HERE’S how the Philippine Fake News Agency would probably report the latest developments in the country.

1moon
An agent of the Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency inspects a shabu laboratory in Sta. Cruz, Laguna. (PFNA)

1300
Expressing support for President Duterte’s all-out war on drugs, hunky residents of Davao City volunteered to rid the city of drug pushers and drug users. #DefendtheRepublic (PFNA)

1Iwo
ISIS rebels raising a flag atop Mt. Banahaw in Luzon. President Duterte mulls declaring Martial Law in the region. (PFNA)

1tiananmen
An unidentified resident volunteers to bring food to government soldiers. #DefendTheRepublic (PFNA)

1peter;o
Malacañang dismisses rumors President Duterte is protecting alleged big-time drug lord Peter Lim. This PFNA file photo shows the President threatening to shoot Lim if he continues to operate in Mindanao.

1Shining
Kuha ito sa isinagawang raid ng pulisya sa hinihinalang pugad ng mga drug addicts sa Navotas City. Ang nasukol na lalaki sa larawan ay lulong sa ipinagbabawal na gamot. (PFNA)

vietnam
Police rescued at least a dozen children from their abusive drug-dependent parents in Caloocan and Malabon last Thursday. (PFNA)

1rockefiiieller
Namamahinga ang ilang construction workers sa itinatayo nilang gusali sa Makati City. Kumpiyansa ang mga negosyante sa takbo ng ekonomiya sa ilalim ng administrasyong Duterte. (PFNA)

1beatles
Tourists cross a street in Lanao Del Sur. Peace-loving foreigners appreciate the declaration of Martial Law in Mindanao. (PFNA)

18815921_10154532667266889_968384371_n
Tumulong ang mga mangingisdang Pinoy sa pagsagip sa ilang miyembro ng Chinese Navy matapos lumubog ang sinasakyang patrol boat ng mga ito sa West Philippine Sea. Pinatunayan nito ang lalo pang tumitibay na pagkakaibigan ng Pilipinas at China. (PFNA)

1et
PNP Chief Ronald Bato De La Rosa has denied reports the number of riding-in-tandem vigilantes is on the rise. (PFNA)
——————————————————————————————————————————————
“You can sway a thousand men by appealing to their prejudices quicker than you can convince one man by logic.”
― Robert A. Heinlein

Sound Bites
a.k.a. The Ultimate ‘Burn’ of the Month

1burn

Elsewhere
The psychology behind fake news
The first is “motivated reasoning,” the idea that we are motivated to believe whatever confirms our opinions.

Huwag tanga.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: PNA via Rappler, and Wikimedia Commons]





CONFIDENTIAL

26 05 2017

0PDUT
PRESIDENT DUTERTE was in Moscow recently. He had a brief conversation with Russian President Vladimir Putin. He said, “You are a powerful leader. I admire your tyrannical mindset.” There’s no word yet on how Duterte responded.

Sacked
President Duterte fired Dangerous Drugs Board (DDB) chair Benjamin Reyes for telling the media there were 1.8 million drug users in the country: people who exhibit changes in behavior, hallucinations, and paranoia. Duterte insists the number is from 3 to 4 million. I believe it’s 16 million.

0Reyes

In a televised speech, President Duterte fired DDB chair Benjamin Reyes. Addressing the official, Duterte said, “You’re fired today. Get out of the service. You do not contradict your own government!” Malacañang is now accepting applicants for the vacated post. To qualify for the job, aspirants must meet the following criteria: experience, dedication, and disregard for truth.

The DDB chair has been fired. Malacañang has created a three-man search committee to look for a replacement. The three members of the committee are all Bong Go.

Fake 
On Wednesday, President Duterte said the chief of police of Malabang, Lanao Del Sur was beheaded by the Maute group. The next day, Malabang police chief Senior Inspector Romeo Enriquez surfaced and told the media, “I am still alive!” Enriquez fears losing his job though because he contradicted his own government.

0PDUT

ISIS
The ISIS terror group has reportedly established a branch in Mindanao, and Abu Sayyaf leader Isnilon Japilon is their point man. In an intercepted message, ISIS revealed its plan to sow terror, fear, and divisiveness in the country saying “Duterte cannot do it alone.”

Leaked
The transcript of last month’s phone conversation between US President Donald Trump and President Rodrigo Duterte had been leaked online. Trump and Duterte talked about North Korea’s Kim Jong Un, with both leaders describing Kim as a “madman.” In response, Kim Jong Un was like, “Hiyang-hiya naman ako sa katinuan n’yo!”

Leaked II
According to the leaked transcript, when Donald Trump asked Duterte about Kim Jong Un, Duterte answered, “He is not stable, Mr. President.” In a statement released by Pyongyang, the North Korean leader admitted that being called ‘unstable’ by someone like Duterte was a double insult.
0PRRDPOTUS

In case you missed it, here are portions of the Trump-Duterte phone convo translated into Tagalog:

POTUS PRRD CALL
April 29, 2017
10:00PM

POTUS: Rodrigo, ano ba ang tingin mo kay Kim Jong Un ng North Korea?

PRRD: Mr. President, mukhang may topak eh.

POTUS: Parang tayo lang. Ha-ha-ha

PRRD:

POTUS: Hello? Rodrigo? Nandiyan ka pa? Hello?!?

* * * * *

POTUS: Rodrigo, nabasa ko ang sinabi mo tungkol sa Australian rape victim. Totoo ba ‘yun? “Dapat mauna si Mayor.” Ang gago lang! Ha-ha-ha

PRRD: Mr. President, narinig ko ang secret tape ng pag-uusap n’yo ng host na si Billy Bush tungkol sa mga babae. Sabi mo, “I grab them by the pussy.” ‘Tang ina, kupal.

POTUS:

PRRD: Mr. President, still there? Hello?!?

* * * * *

POTUS: Rodrigo, saludo ako sa drug war mo. Dito sa US, marami ring addict kaya nakaka-relate ako.

PRRD: Salamat, Mr. President.

POTUS: Salot talaga ‘yang droga. ‘Pag na-addict ka d’yan, masisira ang utak mo. Totopakin ka. ‘Buti na lang never akong na-addict sa kahit anong droga. Tarantado lang ang naa-addict sa droga.

PRRD:

POTUS:

PRRD:

POTUS: May nasabi ba akong masama? Hello? Rodrigo? Hello?!?
____________________________________________________________________________________
“Authoritarianism does not let people decide; its basic premise is that people do not know how to decide. It promotes repression that prevents meaningful change, and preserves the structure of power and privilege.”
~Former senator Jose W. Diokno

Sound Bites
“I urge you to speak out with truth even against the overwhelming tide of popular opinion and reach out to the oppressed and disenfranchised. When you face threats to the sanctity of human rights or the stability of our democracy, give your all to protect these freedoms. Give your all to protect our nation and our people.”
~Chief Justice Ma. Lourdes Sereno, Commencement Address, ADMU, 5.26.2017

True.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte/Putin: Maxim Shemetov/AP; Reyes/DDB: GMA News]





EXCLUSIVE: DUTERTE & XI CONVERSATIONS

21 05 2017

XiDut
PRESIDENT DUTERTE and Chinese President Xi Jinping met in Beijing recently. Here’s the transcript of their conversations translated into Filipino.

Duterte: FYI Mr. President, mag-drill man kami ng oil sa exclusive economic zone namin sa West Philippine Sea.

Xi: Gusto n’yo war?

Duterte: Gusto namin oil.

Xi:

Duterte: Joke lang. Siyempre, ikaw ang masusunod.

* * * * *

Duterte: Mr. Xi, mag-drill kami ng oil sa exclusive economic zone namin sa West Philippine Sea.

Xi: Ako hindi payag.

Duterte: Pero sabi ng UN Convention on the Law of the Sea or UNCLOS, pwede kami mag-oil drilling.

Xi: Gusto mo war?

Duterte: War agad? Suggestion lang naman ‘yung drilling. Wala naman talaga akong plano.

* * * * *

Duterte: Mr. Xi, mag-drill kami ng oil sa exclusive economic zone namin sa West Philippine Sea.

Xi: Kung kayo drill oil doon, kami declare war.

Duterte: Sige. Pero sabi ni Associate Justice Carpio, pwede kaming magsumbong sa UN dahil sa banta mo.

Xi: Ahh, ganun? Sino ba paniwalaan mo: China o UN?

Duterte:

Xi:

Duterte: Pahamak ‘yang Carpio na ‘yan eh. ‘Di nag-iisip. Siyempre China!

* * * * *

Duterte: Mr. Xi, mag-drill kami ng oil sa sa West Philippine Sea.

Xi: Hindi kami payag. Kami declare war.

Duterte: Pero sabi ng UN, allowed kaming mag-explore doon.

Xi: Sandali. Magkano nga akin pautang Pilipinas?

Duterte: 167 billion dollars.

Xi: Pakiulit nga.

Duterte: Ang sabi ko… ‘di na kami magdi-drill ng oil sa West Philippine Sea!

Xi: ‘k. thx.

* * * * *

Duterte: Mr. Xi, ‘kita mo naman, tinanggihan ko na ang tulong ng European Union. Ako lang ang may lakas ng loob na gawin ‘yan.

Xi: Bakit ikaw tanggi?

Duterte: Kasi, may kondisyon ang tulong nila. Pati patayan sa bansa ko pinakikialaman. Ayaw ko ng kondisyon.

Xi: Di bale, kami China tulong inyo bansa: 167 billion dollars.

Duterte: Walang kondisyon?

Xi: Ikaw tanga talaga. Lahat tulong may kondisyon. EU, tulong, kondisyon; US tulong, kondisyon; Japan tulong, kondisyon; China, tulong

Duterte: Kondisyon.

Xi: ‘Yan, ganyan. Huwag tanga. Ok? Thx.
——————————————————————————————————————————–
“To be called a sovereign nation, a nation has to be able to control its own borders. It is controlling your own destiny in a way.”
~Tom Tancredo

Elsewhere
Randy David: Aid with no strings attached?
“The message we’ve been sending out to the world since Mr. Duterte took power almost a year ago is that we are prepared to junk the arbitral tribunal award we fought so hard to win in exchange for Chinese aid and investments.”

Sound Bites
“Sinabi ko talaga harap-harapan, that is ours and we intend to drill oil there. My view is I can drill the oil. Ang sagot sa akin, ‘Well we are friends. We don’t want to quarrel with you. We want to maintain warm relationship, but if you force the issue we will go to war.’ Ano pa bang sabihin ko?”
~President Duterte quoting Chinese President Xi Jinping

Sissy Rondina.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Xi/Duterte: Ng Han Guan, Reuters]





MEGA DEBT

16 05 2017

111dut
THE HOUSE justice committee junked the impeachment complaint filed against President Duterte for “lack of substance.” There was just no way it could prosper. If there was “substance,” it would have been murdered anyway.

China Visit
President Duterte had a productive meeting with Chinese President Xi Jinping in Beijing. China is going to lend the Duterte government 167-billion dollars or 8-trillion pesos for its infrastructure projects in the next six years. Xi has been heaping praises on Duterte for achieving its goals like China did – particularly, in terms of GDP, GNP, and human rights violations.

China Visit II
President Duterte met with Chinese President Xi Jinping in Beijing recently. Things got a bit awkward when Duterte described China as the country’s newest best friend and Xi responded by describing the Philippines as China’s newest province.

State Witness
Ombudsman Conchita Carpio Morales vows to block attempts to make alleged pork barrel scam queen Janet Lim-Napoles a state witness. As expected, the Ombudsman’s statement dismayed Napoles, her family, and the Department of Justice.

Down
In her first six months in office, Vice President Leni Robredo’s net worth dropped from 11 million pesos to 8.8 million pesos. She lost more than 2 million pesos. The disinformation campaign against Robredo is so effective even her own money is abandoning her.

111Cebu
Rich Kid
A Cebu City RTC judge allowed road rage shooting suspect David Lim Jr. to travel abroad for a week-long cruise with his family in the US and Canada. But before granting the suspect’s request to travel, the judge allegedly asked him, “Who are you travelling with?” “When do you intend to return?” and “Do you need my savings account number? Charot lang!”

Mocha Fan
On Facebook, MMDA general manager Tim Orbos defended Mocha Uson from critics who questioned her appointment as Presidential Communications Operations Office assistant secretary. “Ms Mocha is a patriot, always ready to lend a helping hand for genuine change for our country. She is also very much qualified for the job she was appointed to with her more than 4 M social media followers,” the MMDA chief said in a lengthy post he composed while stuck in a monstrous traffic jam on EDSA.

Mega-Emote
Have you been following Sharon Cuneta’s series of emotional (and oftentimes, cryptic) posts on Facebook and Instagram? She’s got so many issues, I am about to cancel my subscription.
111Sharon

Amid persistent rumors she and Sen. Kiko Pangilinan have separated, Megastar Sharon Cuneta, who is vacationing alone in the US, denied there was a “third party” – totally disappointing Ka-DDS, and BBM fanatics who thought they could blame it on the Liberal Party.
—————————————————————————————————————————–
“When you get in debt you become a slave.”
~Andrew Jackson

Sound Bites
“As [far as] the prosecution is concerned, she is one of the principal alleged malefactors. We don’t find her to be a candidate for being state witness.”
~Ombudsman Conchita Carpio Morales

Thank you.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte: GMA News; David Lim Jr.: ABSCBN News; Sharon Cuneta on Instagram]





EXCLUSIVE: MOCHA USON QUITS POST

10 05 2017

0mochangtanga
NEWLY SWORN-IN assistant secretary of the Presidential Communications Operations Office (PCOO) Mocha Uson has resigned. This, after thinking Filipinos hit the appointment of the Duterte propagandist and fake news promoter to a Cabinet-level post.

Here is a copy of Mocha Uson’s resignation letter submitted to the Office of the President:

May 9, 2017

HON. RODRIGO ROA DUTERTE
President, Philippines
Malacañyang Palace

Tatay Digong,

Nagpapasalamat po ako sa inyong tiwala sa akin. Nakakatuwang isipin na lumabas ang aking appointment paper ngayong May 9, 2017 – eksakto isang taon mula nang iboto namin kayo bilang PRESIDENTE ng ating bansa. Gusto ko pong maiyak. Grabe po ang pagbibigay n’yo ng importansya sa akin.

Pero katulad ng aking inaasahan, umatake na naman ang mga dilawan, ang mga yellowtard, ang mga Liberal, ang mayayabang na taga-UP at -Ateneo, ang bias at bayarang media pati na rin ang mga inggitero at inggitera. Hindi sila tumigil hangga’t hindi ako nagti-trend sa Twitter. Wala na silang ginawa kundi ako’y siraan. Sa totoo lang, wala akong hininging puwesto sa ‘yo Tatay Digong, alam mo po ‘yan. Ni singko ay wala po akong inasam kapalit ng pagtulong ko sa iyong mga programa.

Siguro ay nalimutan ng mga ‘yan ang pangako mo noong kampanya: ang magbigay ng trabaho sa maraming Pilipino. Pilipino din naman ako ‘di ba? Masama ba kung bigyan mo ako ng trabaho sa MTRCB? Masama ba kung bigyan mo ako ng trabaho sa PCOO? Tinutupad mo lang po ang pangako mo. Ikaw lang ang presidenteng tumupad sa pangako.

Ngunit sobra na po talaga ang mga dilawan at inggiterong ‘yan. Gagawin nila ang lahat upang ako ay mapabagsak. Tatay Digong, gusto kong magpakita ng pruweba ng pang-aapi nila sa akin. Narito ang ilang comments na nabasa ko sa Facebook:

0TweetBRGY
Kesyo inappoint ako… barangay hall agad? Si idol Manny nga nasa senado. So ano na lang ‘yun, barangay tanod outpost?

0TweetKulam
Wala pong kumukulam sa Pilipinas. Ramdam na ramdam lang talaga natin ngayon ang pagbabago.

0poteet
Hoy Poteet! Akala mo ba masasaktan ako sa mga sinabi mo? HINDI ‘NO! Loud lang ang naintindihan ko, tanga!

0mucha
Anong MUCHA? I’m sure nagkukunwari ka lang na kakampi at Ka-DDS pero dilawan ka talaga!

0shame
Tanga! Wrong spelling ka. Dapat ‘Such a shaim! Shaim Shaim!’

0talino
Anong “insulto sa katalinuhan ng bawat Pilipino?” Tanga ka ba! Kung matalino talaga kayo, eh ‘di wala kami sa puwesto hahahaha fucker!

0civil servi
Huwag mo naman akong i-judge. Hindi ko kailangan ang Civil Service para makapag-service! Sorry. I mean, makapag-serve!

0first lady
‘Wag kang magbiro ng ganyan. Ayaw ni Honeylet hihihihi

0nakakaluka
Snong luka-luka? Si Ma’am Gina? Puta ka. Wag ganun.

0magwawala
Sinong maysabi sa ‘yong haharapin ko sila? No way. Hindi ko sila ka-level! #bias #bayaran

And lastly,

0pepe

This is slut-shaiming. Anong kinalaman ng pepe ko sa paglilingkod ko sa bayan? Matapos kang mag-enjoy noon, ganyan pa ang igaganti mo ngayon? Wala kang utang na loob!

TATAY DIGONG, ilan lang po ‘yan sa mga dahilan kung bakit umabot ako sa mabigat na desisyong ito:

I resigns resigned resigning. Nagbibitiw na po ako sa puwesto.

Nadadamay po kayo sa mga batikos sa akin. Hindi ko na po kaya. Ako na po ang kusang aalis para matahimik na ang mga inggitero’t inggitera.

Pero hindi naman po irrevokeable irrevocabogable irrevoiceable hindi naman po final ang resignation ko. Puwede pa po n’yo akong pigilang umalis. Please po. Try n’yo lang.

Sa mga Ka-DDS, salamat sa walang sawa n’yong suporta. Huwag po kayong bibitiw. Suportahan po natin ang pagbabago sa ilalim ng gobyerno ni Tatay Digong. Limang taon pa po tayong magsasama-sama. At kung susuwertehin, baka higit pa. Kapit lang.

Mabuhay si Tatay Digong. Mabuhay ang mahal nating Pilipinas!

#mamataykayosainggitdilawan
#AkoNaTalaga!
#obosen
#ImpeachLeni
#BiasMedia
#JaDineWalangProject
#IBeIieveICanFly

At your service,

MOCHA USON
Civil Service Exam Grade: 263%
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“Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters.”
~Albert Einstein

0napoes
Napoles
Just months after President Duterte expressed support for Solicitor General Jose Calida’s efforts to acquit Janet Lim Napoles, the Court of Appeals cleared the pork barrel queen in her serious illegal detention case. With Calida backing her, Napoles is reportedly firing the lawyers in her plunder case citing “duplication.”

RIP Imelda
Lani Mercado erroneously tweeted Monday former first lady Imelda Marcos had died. Mercado claimed she got the info from a “news break message.” Apparently, she was a victim of fake news. To prevent something like this from happening again, Mercado’s children advised her to unfollow Mocha Uson on Facebook.

My friends who were working that day didn’t see Lani Mercado’s original tweet. They’d rather focus on their job than talk about the “death” of Imelda Marcos. Business before pleasure.

Sound Bites
“The Philippines is facing a growing chorus of international concern at the human cost of President Duterte’s murderous ‘war on drugs.’ The government’s denial and deflection of criticism shows it has no intention of complying with its international obligations.”
~John Fisher, Geneva director at Human Rights Watch

Exactly.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Mocha Uson: ABSCBN News; Janet Napoles: Inquirer.net]





DELUSIONAL & UNFIT

6 05 2017

1Lopez
THE COMMISSION on Appointments or CA rejected the appointment of controversial Environment Secretary Gina Lopez. The figures were not even close. It was 8 for Gina Lopez and 16 million for CA members.

Lobby Money
Reacting to the CA’s rejection of the appointment of Gina Lopez, President Duterte said, “lobby money talks.” CA member Panfilo Lacson who rejected Lopez’s appointment said, Duterte’s remark was “a sweeping assault on the CA members’ integrity. What lobby money?” Gina Lopez supporters replied, “What integrity?”

Unfit
Lawmakers who rejected the appointment of Gina Lopez to the DENR described her as “unfit” and “acting as if she were above the law.” To be fair to Gina Lopez, she’s just taking her cue from the President.

0gIANsOTTO
“Na-ano Lang”
People are still talking about Tito Sotto’s “Na-ano lang” comment during the confirmation hearing for DSWD Sec. Judy Taguiwalo. On Instagram, Gian Sotto defended his father saying, “Alam ng Diyos kung ano ang nasa puso ng tatay ko.” To which, God reacted, “Actually, no. I don’t.”

A confident Gian Sotto added, “Alam kong malalampasan namin ito dahil kasama namin ang Diyos.” And Satan was like, “Be fair! Give credit where credit is due. Please lang!”

Delusional
A fish vendor died last weekend when the New People’s Army attacked several facilities of the Lapanday Foods Corporation in Davao City. A fuming Mayor Sara Duterte hit the Communist rebels saying they’re “delusional” and “living in an alternate universe.” In response, the NPA said, “Wrong! We’re not living in an alternate universe.”

Delusional II
According to Davao City Mayor Sara Duterte, Communist rebels are “delusional people” who live in an “alternate universe.” The statement has fueled speculations the NPA rebels are on fentanyl, too.

Monsters
In a strongly worded statement, Inday Sara Duterte said the attacks of the New People’s Amy “should always remind us of the twistedness of an ideology and the monsters behind it, how they employ fear and terror in their attempt to cloak their insignificance and the obsolescence of their political belief.” The statement was titled, ‘Note to Dad.’

1BruceRiveraYout
No Endorser
Last May 2, Duterte fanatic and ‘Impeach Leni Movement’ leader Bruce Rivera claimed the impeachment complaint they drafted against the vice president was “received” by a congressman whose name was mentioned in the document. But the solon, identified later as PBA Party-list Rep. Jericho Nograles, immediately disowned the complaint and denied knowing anything about it. It was a bad day for Bruce Rivera and his cohorts. In totally unrelated news… that same day, the Senate approved the Mental Health Care Act.

New Words
More than 300 words have been added to online database Dictionary.com and Oxforddictionaries.com. Some of the words added in 2017 were ‘cheat day,’ ‘sausage party,’ and ‘sext.’ It’s easy to find these new entries online because beside each word, there’s an image of Kiefer Ravena.
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“In reality, everybody in Congress is a stand-in for some kind of lobbyist. In many cases it’s difficult to tell whether it’s the companies that are lobbying the legislators or whether it’s the other way around.”
~Matt Taibbi, American author and journalist

#QUIZtion
Fact: Infamous lawyer, Bruce Rivera, the former legal counsel of pork barrel queen Janet Lim-Napoles once joined this contest on ‘Eat Bulaga.’ Was it…
A: Mr. Pogi
B: Super Sireyna
C: Pinoy Henyo
D: Doble Kara
See answer below

Sound Bites
“Badly thought-out, ill-conceived drug policies not only fail to address substantively drug dependency, drug-related criminality, and the drug trade, they add more problems, as has been well documented, around the world.”
~Agnes Callamard, United Nations Special Rapporteur on Extrajudicial, Summary, or Arbitrary Executions

(Un)Sound Bites
“Mga trolls lang [ang] nagpapalaki n’yan. Perhaps…these are just people who are not my fans so to speak. Baka mga talagang pakontra lang sa akin yan, kahit anong makita sa akin pangontra na. Madali naman ‘yun kung hindi natin mamasamain. Pero kung minasama nila, humihingi ako ng paumanhin.”
~Tito Sotto

Fault pa naming lahat?! Genius ka talaga.

Answer to #QUIZtion:
B: Super Sireyna.
Source: GMA News

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Gina Lopez: Manila Bulletin; Gian Sotto Instagram; Bruce Rivera YouTube]





“NA-ANO LANG”

4 05 2017

HERE IS THE FULL TEXT OF TITO SOTTO’S APOLOGY.

ATITOSOTTO

Mga minamahal kong kababayan,

For the last 48 hours, the issue of the “Na-ano lang” comment has spun out of control. Tonight, I want to set the record straight. You deserve an explanation from me, because you are the people I was elected to serve.

As you recall, the confirmation hearing was unnecessarily dull even with comedians in the committee including yours truly, Manny Pacquiao and several others.

I was anxious to keep the energy in the room and during that time had conversations with many people, including DSWD Sec. Judy Taguiwalo. My intent was not to humiliate the Secretary, and it did not.

That said, let me tell you how I personally feel. I recognize that making such joke was a lapse in judgment. I AM SORRY. I take full responsibility for my actions and to you and to all those good citizens who may have had their faith shaken by these events. I want to assure you that I have redoubled my efforts to serve the nation and earn your trust.

Nagagambala ako. Maliwanag na may kakulangan sa wastong pagpapasya ang nangyaring pagbibitiw ng joke. Pinagsisisihan ko ito nang lubos. Pinananagutan ko nang lubusan ang aking ginawa, at humihingi ako ng tawad kay Secretary Taguiwalo, sa inyo, sa lahat ng mga butihing mamamayan na nabawasan ng tiwala dahil sa mga pangyayaring ito. Ibig kong tiyakin sa inyo na lalo pa akong magsisikap upang maglingkod sa bayan at matamo ang inyong tiwala.

As my late father told me, “Do what is right, do your best and let God take care of the rest.”.

That is why I want to close this chapter and move on with the business of governing. I ask each and everyone of you to join hands with me in a show of unity, to help forge one Philippines, where everyone is equal under the law, and everybody has the opportunity to use their God-given talents to make a better life.

God bless the Philippines!
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“I’ve learned two things the hard way: You can’t fix stupid and you shouldn’t use up your patience to fix stupid.”
~Karen A. Baquiran

ATITOSOTTO2
Sound Bites
“[You have] Two daughters? But you are single. In the street language, when you have children and you are single, ang tawag lang ay na-ano lang.”
~Tito Sotto to DSWD Sec. Judy Taguiwalo

No. We don’t describe single moms as “na-ano lang.” So, fuck you.

Sound Bites II
“’Di ba ‘yun ang biruan sa kalsada. Kung minasama nila, eh ‘di I’m sorry, I apologize. They don’t understand the joke.”
~Tito Sotto on his “Na-ano lang” comment

Fuck you some more.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Inquirer.Net]








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