MAY NAG-TEXT!

6 12 2016

1untitled
BANNED
DUTERTE: Pare, sabihan mo si Leni, ‘wag na siyang umattend ng Cabinet meeting.

BONG GO: Pare naman, ba’t ako ang magsasabi eh hindi naman ako ang pangulo?

DUTERTE: Mismo! Sino bang pangulo? Ikaw o ako?

BONG GO: Ikaw.

DUTERTE: So sino ang masusunod?

BONG GO: Ako.

DUTERTE:

BONG GO: Heto na po ite-text na!

1bongdutz-rappler
The Choice
DUTERTE: Pare, sabihan mo si Leni, simula sa Lunes, ‘wag na ‘wag na siyang a-attend ng kahit anong Cabinet meeting.

BONG GO: Sige pare. Sasabihan ko na.

DUTERTE: Teka muna! Paano nga pala ‘yong tuhod na lagi kong tinititigan?

BONG GO: Pare, you have to decide. Tuhod o Bongbong? Alin ang mas gusto mo?

DUTERTE: ‘Tang inang tanong ‘yan pare! Tuhod ‘yon ng babae. Si Bongbong, lalaki!

BONG GO:

DUTERTE: Bongbong siyempre. #MarcosPaRin

The Text Message
SECRETARY EVASCO: Gd evening Madam Vice President. ‘Wag ka na raw umattend ng meetings sabi ni Bong Go.

LENI: Wait. Sino po ulit ang nagsabi? Si Bong Go ho ba o ang presidente?

EVASCO: Si Bong Go.

LENI: Akala ko si presidente.

EVASCO: Oo nga.

LENI: Huh? Sino bang presidente?

EVASCO: Si Bong Go.

LENI:

EVASCO: Sorta.

1dutzevasco
The Text Message II
BONG GO: Pareng Jun, i-text mo si Leni. ‘Wag na raw siyang umattend ng Cabinet meeting sabi ni Presidente.

SECRETARY EVASCO: Teka pare. Ba’t ako ang magsasabi? Sino bang inutusan ni Presidente?

BONG GO: Ako.

EVASCO: Eh ‘di ikaw ang mag-text.

BONG GO: Wala akong load eh.

EVASCO: Pasahan kita.

BONG GO: Lobat na ako eh.

EVASCO: Pahiramin kita ng charger.

BONG GO: Android ‘to eh. iPhone ka.

EVASCO: ‘Tang ina naman. Wala kang bayag! Sige na nga, ite-text ko na!

The Text Message III
LENI: Hi Secretary Go. Nag-text si CabSec Jun Evasco. ‘Wag na raw akong a-attend ng meeting starting Monday. At ikaw raw ang nagpapasabi. Totoo ba?

BONG GO:

LENI: ‘Pag ‘di kasi ako umattend ng Cabinet meeting, mai-skip ko ‘yong trabaho ko. So totoo ba ‘yong tinext ni CabSec Jun?

BONG GO:

LENI: Secretary Go, last text ko na ‘to. Can you confirm na hindi na ako pinaa-attend ng Cabinet meeting?!? Please reply.

BONG GO: Uy Bongbong, ano bang isasagot ko dito kay VP Leni? Sunud-sunod ang text eh.

LENI:

BONG GO: Ooops. Sorry po. Wrong send.

Resignation Letter
LENI: I accepted the appointment as Chairperson of the Housing and Urban Development Coordinating Council (HUDCC) given our shared commitment to the poor and marginalized.

DUTERTE: O, tapos?

LENI: I have exerted all effort to put aside our differences, maintain a professional working relationship, and work effectively despite the constraints because the Filipino people deserve no less.

DUTERTE: Ano pa?

LENI: However, your directive for me to “desist from attending all Cabinet meetings” has effectively made it impossible for me to do my job. Remaining in your Cabinet has become untenable.

DUTERTE: Ang tagal naman ng “With due respect… “

LENI: With due respect, I am tendering my resignation as HUDCC Chairperson effective immediately.

DUTERTE *typing*
Dear Bongbong, You’re welcome. Merry Christmas!

1leni-inquirer
The Text Message IV
SECRETARY EVASCO: Gd evening again Madam Vice President. Ipinasasabi ni Bong Go na may kapalit ka na raw bilang housing czar.

LENI: Wala pong problema. Pero ang bilis! Wala pang 24 hours, nakahanap agad. Sino po bang kapalit ko?

EVASCO: Ako.

LENI:

EVASCO:

LENI:

EVASCO: Txt back.

Heavy Heart
LENI: With due respect, I am tendering my resignation as HUDCC Chairperson effective immediately.

ANDANAR: The President accepts your resignation as housing czar. With a heavy heart.

LENI:

ANDANAR: Czaring!

1bong-inquirer
IN OTHER NEWS…
Denied
BONG REVILLA: Manong Digong, akala ko ba idi-dismiss ng Korte Suprema ang kaso ko ‘pag nasa pwesto ka na?

DUTERTE: Sino ‘to?

BONG REVILLA: Si Bong.

DUTERTE: Marcos?

BONG REVILLA: Hindi! Si Bong, Bong Revilla!

DUTERTE: Sorry, choppy ka, choppy. Text ka ulit.

Denied II
BONG REVILLA: Manong Digong, akala ko ba mananalo ako sa kaso pag-upo mo?

DUTERTE: Sino ‘to?

BONG REVILLA: Si Bong! Bong Revilla.

DUTERTE: Teka naman, isa-isa lang. Kapapanalo lang ng Marcos burial eh. Baka mahalata.

BONG REVILLA: So pa’no? Ganun na lang ‘yun?! Matapos ka naming papanalunin sa Cavite, kakalimutan mo na ako? Matapos kang mangakong lalaya ako bago mag-Pasko, iiwan mo ako? Matapos akong umasang madi-dismiss ang kaso, ganyan ang sasabihin mo?!?

DUTERTE: Manahimik ka tangna mu! Ako ba ang nagbulsa ng 200 million? Ako ba ang kakuntsaba ni Janet Napoles? Ako ba ang nakinabang sa pork barrel?

BONG REVILLA:

DUTERTE: Sorry naman! Nagtatanong lang. Hindi ako nagbibintang.
____________________________________________________________________________
“Tyranny seldom announces itself…In fact, a tyranny may exist without an individual tyrant. A whole government, even a democratically elected one, may be tyrannical.”
~Joseph Sobran

1bongdutz-rappler
Sound Bites
“This is not the time for fear. It is a time for conviction. It is a time for courage.”
~Vice President Leni Robredo

Fight on.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte/Bong Go: Inquirer.net; Leni Robredo: Inquirer.net; Jun Evasco/Duterte: Inquirer.net]





MEANWHILE, IN HELL…

30 11 2016

1imelda-femc
SATAN IS FURIOUS. Nawawala kasi ang wallet niyang puno ng pera. Sumigaw:

Marcoooos! Hindi ka na ba talaga magbabago?!?

Day 1. Hell. Attendance.
SATAN: Welcome to hell. Pangalan…

MARCOS: Ferdinand E. Marcos

SATAN: Kasalanan…

MARCOS: Naging pangulo ako ng Pilipinas.

SATAN: Hindi ‘yan kasalanan. ‘Wag na tayong magpaliguy-ligoy pa.

MARCOS: Wala akong matandaan.

SATAN: Pagtortyur, pagpatay, pagsisinungaling, pangangaliwa, pang-aabuso, pagnanakaw… admit it! You’re guilty!

MARCOS: Huh? Unang-una, ‘yong guilt, paano ko ia-admit eh ang liit-liit ko nun.

SATAN:

MARCOS:

SATAN: ‘Dagdag mo pa ang plagiarism, gago!

Unafraid
SATAN: Welcome to hell!

MARCOS: Hello! ‘Musta?

SATAN: ‘Di ka natatakot sa akin?

MARCOS: Hindi.

SATAN: HINDI KA NATATAKOT SA AKIN?!?

MARCOS: Hindi nga!

SATAN: Bakit ‘di ka natatakot eh ako si Satanas.

MARCOS: Exactly. Satanas ang pangalan mo, hindi Imelda. Bakit ako matatakot?

Homesick
SATAN: O, ba’t parang ang lungkot mo d’yan?

MARCOS: Walang gustong makipag-usap sa akin eh.

SATAN: ‘Wag kang mag-alala. Bibigyan kita ng kausap. You have a lot of things in common. Magkakasundo kayo.

A minute later:
CNN Breaking News: Cuban leader Fidel Castro dead at 90

marcos
Phone Rates in Hell
MARCOS: Pwede bang makitawag?

SATAN: May bayad!

MARCOS: Magkano ba? Tatawagan ko lang si Cory, hihingi ako ng tawad.

SATAN: 100 pesos per minute.

Marcos dials Cory’s number. He pays Satan 300 pesos.
A minute later…

MARCOS: Puwedeng pagamit ulit ng phone? Tatawagan ko lang ang human rights victims noong Martial Law.

SATAN: 100 pesos per minute.

Marcos phones the human rights victims. He pays Satan 300 pesos.
Seconds later…

MARCOS: Last na. Patawag ulit. Kailangang-kailangan ko lang makausap si Imelda, si Bongbong, at si Imee, my family.

SATAN: 3 pesos per minute.

MARCOS: Huh? Ba’t kanina 100 pesos tapos ngayon 3 pesos per minute lang?

SATAN: ‘Yong kay Cory at sa human rights victims, long distance ‘yon. ‘Yong sa asawa at mga anak mo, local call lang ‘yon. Within the area lang sila.

The Deal
MARCOS: Sobrang init naman dito sa kuwarto ko. Pwede bang lumipat sa may aircon?

SATAN: Pwede naman pero may kapalit.

MARCOS: Ano ‘yon?

SATAN: Kukunin ko ang kaluluwa ni Imelda, ni Bongbong at ni Imee.

MARCOS: Ganun?!?

SATAN: So, ayaw mo?

MARCOS: May sinabi ba akong ayaw? Deal!

Satan allows Marcos to transfer to an air-conditioned room.
Minutes later.

SATAN: Bumalik ka na sa dati mong kuwarto!

MARCOS: Bakit?!? May deal tayo ‘di ba?

SATAN: Manloloko! Wala silang kaluluwa!

In Other News…
An improvised explosive device was found near the US Embassy along Roxas Boulevard the other day. Authorities detonated the home-made bomb — successfully completing Day 1 of the martial law dryrun.

PNP Chief Ronald De La Rosa says the home-made bomb could have been planted by the Maute Group, an Islamic rebel group that has pledged allegiance to ISIS. De La Rosa refuses to make conclusions though since he has also received reports Leila De Lima was spotted in the area two days ago.

balero-rappler
Congressman Climax
Heavily criticized for asking Ronnie Dayan questions like, “Mahilig ka ba sa sili?” and “Kailan kayo nag-climax?” during last week’s Lower House hearing, 1-Ang Edukasyon party-list representative Salvador Belaro Jr. blamed the media for what he called “selective reporting.” Apparently, the media failed to report that Balero also asked other questions such as: “Mahilig ba si De Lima sa lollipop?” “Nakailang putok ba ang kanyon?” and “Kinain mo ba ang tilapia?”

According to party-list representative Salvador Belaro Jr., his questions were necessary to establish “power relations between De Lima and Dayan.” In fact, his questions were so relevant, he compiled them into a booklet called, “A Guide to Insulting People’s Intelligence.”

1-Ang Edukasyon party-list representative Salvador Belaro Jr., who has earned the monicker ‘Congressman Climax,’ denied rumors his party-list group’s name has been changed to 1-Ang Maledukasyon.
—————————————————————————————————————————————-
“The secret of freedom lies in educating people, whereas the secret of tyranny is in keeping them ignorant.”
~Maximilien Robespierre

Sound Bites
“I will include you because you are the reason why their numbers swell.”
~President Duterte threatening to kill human rights activists who criticize him for extrajudicial killings

“At this moment in our history, every voice counts and I wish to place mine on the side of history: not the history that the Duterte [administration] ignores, but the history that beckons our people to demand justice that even the highest court of the land will not bestow.”
~Maria Serena Diokno, Resigned chair, National Historical Commission of the Philippines

Make a stand. #MarcosNOTaHero

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Marcos Burial 1: FEMC; Marcos Burial2: Philippine Army; Salvador Belaro Jr: Rappler]





CLIMAX: CONGRESS UNCENSORED

25 11 2016

IF THERE’S a case against Leila De Lima, she must be charged and tried in the court of law. If the allegations are proven to be true, she must face the consequences of her actions. But first, Leila De Lima must be shamed – at least according to Filipino congressmen and their online cheering squad.

Just when you thought, the Lower House couldn’t get lower, Nov. 24 happened. In case you missed it, here’s the unedited, uncensored transcript of the sexually-charged portions of Thursday’s hearing at the House of Representatives.

1house
SEX
Congressman A: Minahal mo ba si De Lima?

Ronnie Dayan: Minahal ko po.

Congressman A: Totoong pagmamahal?

Ronnie Dayan: Tama po.

Congressman A: Kung ganun, ilang beses kayo nagse-sex noon sa loob ng isang linggo?

Ronnie Dayan: Ano pong kuneksyon niyan sa droga?

Congressman A: I would like to remind you Mr. Witness. You are under oath! Inuulit ko: ILANG BESES KAYO NAGSE–SEX SA LOOB NG ISANG LINGGO?!

Ronnie Dayan: Sige, sumigaw pa kayo. Ilakas n’yo pa para malaman ng lahat kung gaano kayo kaatat magtanong tungkol sa sex! May mikropono na, sumisigaw pa. Sige, heto ang mikropono ko para dalawa na. Go, sigaw pa! Pati sexual position, gusto n’yong ikuwento ko?

Congressman A:

Ronnie Dayan:

Congressman A: ‘To naman. Nagtatanong lang. Ang dami agad sinabi!

UNDER OATH
Congressman B: Ikaw ba ay nangulekta ng pera mula sa drug lords sa Bilibid para kay De Lima?

Ronnie Dayan: Hindi po.

Congressman B: Sigurado ka?

Ronnie Dayan: Opo.

Congressman B: I am reminding you, you are under oath.

Ronnie Dayan: Hindi nga eh. ‘Tang ina.

Congressman B:

Ronnie Dayan: Sorry naman. Na-carried away lang. Ang kulit n’yo kasi.

TAKSIL!
Congressman C: Ito na lang: kung hindi ka nangulekta ng drug money sa Bilibid para kay De Lima, minahal mo ba siya?

Ronnie Dayan: Opo.

Congressman C: Ilang years naging kayo?

Ronnie Dayan: Pito po.

Congressman C: Ibig sabihin, nagtaksil ka sa iyong asawa?!?

Ronnie Dayan: Sino po bang hindi nagtaksil sa asawa? SA MGA CONGRESSMAN NA NANDITO NGAYON, SAGUTIN N’YO PO AKO, SINO SA INYO ANG HINDI NAGTAKSIL SA ASAWA? IKAW SIR, HINDI KA BA NAGTAKSIL SA IYONG ASAWA? SINO SI CATHERINE, ‘YONG DATING SCHOLAR MO SA PROBINSYA NA GINAWA MONG RESEARCH ASSISTANT?!? SAGOT!!!

Congressman C:

Ronnie Dayan: Nagtatanong lang sir. Kung ayaw mong sagutin, ‘k lang. Walang pilitan.

NECESSARY
Female Solon: This line of questioning is necessary to establish your closeness to Senator De Lima. Sana ay maintindihan kami ng publiko. Moving on, may asawa ka ‘di ba?

Ronnie Dayan: Opo. May asawa po ako.

Female Solon: May asawa ka pero nakiapid ka kay De Lima. May mga anak kayo pero iniwan mo ang iyong misis para sa kanya. Anong klaseng asawa ka? Anong klaseng ama ka? At anong klaseng tao ka?

Ronnie Dayan: Bakit ganyan ka manghusga ma’am? Hinusgahan ba kita nang ipatayo mo ang Cebu International Convention Center noong 2006 na walang public bidding? Hinusgahan ba kita nang sampahan ka ng 11 counts of graft ng Ombudsman? Hinusgahan ba kita nang ma-indict ka dahil sa katiwalian?

Female Solon:

Ronnie Dayan: No further questions ma’am. You may proceed. Thank you.

1belar
CLIMAX
Congressman D: Ang pagmamahal mo ba kay De Lima ay tapat, wagas, at dalisay?

Ronnie Dayan: Tama po sir.

Congressman D: Ibig sabihin, hindi lang ito init ng katawan?

Ronnie Dayan: Hindi po.

Congressman D: Saan ito nag-climax?

Ronnie Dayan: Ba’t po ganyan ang inyong mga tanong?

Congressman D: ‘Wag mo akong husgahan gago. In aid of masturbation legislation ang ginagawa namin.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Congressman E: Totoo bang nag-away din kayo ni De Lima noon?

Ronnie Dayan: Totoo po sir. Kasi nalaman kong may iba na s’ya.

Congressman E: Anong ginawa mo noong nag-away kayo?

Ronnie Dayan: Sinampal ko po siya sir.

Congressman E: SINAMPAL MO!?!? Ka-babaeng tao sinaktan mo? Wow. Sana nag-isip ka muna.

Ronnie Dayan: Sana sir inisip n’yo rin ‘yan bago n’yo sinaktan ang asawa n’yo noon!

Congressman E:

Ronnie Dayan: Tumatakas pa nga siya noon para makaiwas sa pananakit n’yo ‘di ba?!?

Congressman E:

Ronnie Dayan: Humingi pa nga s’ya noon ng tulong sa women’s groups ‘di ba?

Congressman E:

Ronnie Dayan: And worse, nang ‘di na niya makayanan

Congressman E: ‘Tang ina mo manahimik ka gago!!%$# Mr. Chair, I move for a one-minute suspension.

SEX VIDEO 1
Congressman F: Totoo ba ang tsismis na may sex video kayo ni De Lima?

Ronnie Dayan: Hindi po. Eh kayo sir, totoo ba ang tsismis na may sex video kayo ng dating sexy actress na si V***** V**** noong 1980s?

Congressman F: Dapat kasi ‘di na ako nagtanong eh. No further questions Mr. Chair.

1harry-roque
SALAT
Congressman G: Sabi mo, may dinala kang pera kay De Lima galing kay Kerwin Espinosa pero ‘di mo alam kung magkano?

Ronnie Dayan: Tama po.

Congressman G: Sigurado kang pera? Bakit ‘di mo alam kung magkano?

Ronnie Dayan: Hindi ko po sinilip. Sinalat ko lang.

Congressman G: Ang hilig mo kasing magsalat!

Ronnie Dayan: Ano pong pangalan n’yo sir?

Congressman G: Harry. I am Congressman Harry Roque.

Ronnie Dayan: Ang baboy n’yo po.

Congressman G:

Ronnie Dayan: Joooke.

KABIT
Female Solon 2: So inaamin mong naging kayo talaga ni Senator De Lima.

Ronnie Dayan: Tama po.

Female Solon 2: Pamilyado kang tao. Ibig sabihin, kabit mo si De Lima?

Ronnie Dayan: Hindi ko po itinatanggi.

Female Solon 2: No further questions Mr. Chair.

Ronnie Dayan: Excuse me ma’am, kayo po ba si Congresswoman Baby Arenas?

Female Solon 2: Oo, ako nga. Bakit?

Ronnie Dayan: Kababayan ko po si dating Pangulong Ramos.

Female Solon 2:

Ronnie Dayan; #justsaying

SEX VIDEO 2
Congressman X: Totoo bang may sex video kayo ni De Lima?

Ronnie Dayan: Sex video po??

Congressman X: Oo! SEX VIDEO!

Ronnie Dayan: Wala po.

Congressman X: I am reminding you Mr. Dayan: you are still under oath! Again, ang tanong ko: may sex video ba kayo ni De Lima?

Ronnie Dayan: Wala po.

Congressman X: So hindi totoo ‘yung napanood ko sa Pornhub.com?

Ronnie Dayan: Hindi po.

Congressman X: Edited lang ‘yong nakita ko sa MangKanor.net?

Ronnie Dayan: Malamang sir.

Congressman X: Punyeta! Bukas na bukas din, I am going to file a bill that will punish people who upload fake videos on porn sites. Panloloko ang ginagawa ng mga ‘yan!
—————————————————————————————————————-
“Did freedom have to mean abolishing common decency?”
~Francine Rivers, ‘A Voice in the Wind’

Sound Bites
“It is not surprising that there is a surge in the number of sexual harassment cases against our women both online and off. The dishonorable behavior of our lawmakers has reinforced this despicable culture since the beginning of these investigations.”
~Sen. Risa Hontiveros

Bay of pigs.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Screen caps: Rappler]





MISSING: ALAN PETER CAYETANO

22 11 2016

EVEN HITLER is wondering why Alan Peter Cayetano, Bongbong Marcos’s harshest critic during the 2016 elections, is mum on the biggest issue in the country today – the burial of the late dictator Ferdinand Marcos at the Libingan ng mga Bayani.

[Note: If you can’t see the subtitles, turn on Subtitles/Closed Caption in the settings]
_____________________________________________________________________________________
“I decided it is better to scream. Silence is the real crime against humanity.”
~Nadezhda Mandelstam, ‘Hope Against Hope’

Sound Bites
“In all honesty, I’m telling you: wala akong alam.”
~Rodrigo Duterte on the burial of dictator Ferdinand Marcos

Joke of the week.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





IMMORAL

18 11 2016

THE SUPREME Court’s decision is not final and executory yet but – unannounced, the Marcos family decided to bury the late dictator Ferdinand Marcos at the Libingan ng mga Bayani on Friday, Nov. 17. Maging ang kahuli-hulihang sandali, NAKAW.

1kerwingmanews
ALLEGED DRUG lord Kerwin Espinosa, who was arrested in Dubai last month, is back. He’s very much alive – as of this posting.

Interviewed by the media at the airport, Kerwin Espinosa apologized to President Duterte and asked for a “second chance.” To be fair to the President who’s in Peru for the APEC Summit, he didn’t ignore Kerwin. He replied, “Second chance? Ano ‘yun?”

Justice Sec. Vitaliano Aguirre is confident Kerwin Espinosa will implicate Sen. Leila De Lima in the illegal drugs trade. Between doing that and death, the choice is obvious.


Confirmed
Sen. Leila De Lima has admitted her past relationship with former driver and bodyguard Ronnie Dayan. Asked by ‘Bawal ang Pasaway’ host Winnie Monsod why she fell for her driver/bodyguard, Senator De Lima replied, “frailties of a woman.” When sought for reaction on Senator De Lima’s ‘frailties’ comment, Ronnie Dayan said he would first consult his family, his lawyer, and a dictionary.

Senator De Lima has confirmed rumors she had an affair with her former driver and bodyguard Ronnie Dayan. Or as the Manila Times and the Manila Standard would say, “De Lima admits drug links.”

Immoral
Justice Secretary Vitaliano Aguirre wants Senator De Lima disbarred because of “immorality.” To which, Presidente Duterte, Manny Pacquiao, Bong Revilla, Joseph Estrada, and 85 percent of Congress said, “Pwede bang mag-focus na lang tayo sa drugs?”

Andanar
According to Communications Secretary Martin Andanar, people opposing the Marcos burial at the Libingan ng mga Bayani were “temperamental brats” who have an “awesome capacity for nurturing hate.” Human rights advocates and lawyers for Martial Law victims described Andanar’s opinion as “lunatic.” In other words, “presidential.”

After drawing flak for his controversial statement, palace mouthpiece Martin Andanar wrote an apology on Facebook. He said, “I am sorry for calling you temperamental, brats!”

Martial Law
Communications Sec. Martin Andanar says, “Martial law never crossed” President Duterte’s mind and “it’s far from reality.” He didn’t say though whose “reality” – ours or Duterte’s.

Blackout
The Department of Energy has ordered a probe into the power outage in Luzon including Metro Manila last Tuesday. Some are blaming power generation companies while others believe it was the fault of distribution utilities. Malacañang has instructed energy officials to figure out a way to blame it on Leila De Lima.

Sexist
Interviewed by the Judicial and Bar Council, Atty. Persida Rueda-Acosta, an aspirant for associate justice of the Supreme Court said laws on adultery and concubinage must be tougher on women – to the utter shock of gender equality advocates. Worse, when asked what punishment would be most appropriate for cheating wives, Acosta said, “We should burn them at the stake.”


Grilled
Lawyer Persida Acosta was recently grilled by the Judicial and Bar Council. When asked by JBC execom chair retired Justice Angelina Sandoval-Gutierrez on the issue of the Marcos burial, Acosta faltered and was interrupted by the 78-year-old Gutierrez. It got more awkward when everyone in the room shouted, “Face to face! Face to face!”

BB Gandanghari
The actor formerly known as Rustom Padilla is now legally a woman. An Orange Country court granted her request to change her gender to female and her name to Binibini Gandanghari. As a woman, BB vows to campaign for LGBT rights and to campaign against Atty. Persida Acosta.
———————————————————————————————————————————-
“Ignorance is not bad faith. But persistence in ignorance is.”
~Joanna Russ

Sound Bites
“Huwag n’yong solohin ’yung kapangyarihan niyo. Kayo lang parating tigas eh, kaya lang, you threaten us as if we are your laborers. I’m the President of the Philippines. I’m not their President. I don’t care. I don’t give a shit.”
~Rodrigo Duterte to APEC leaders

Inaano ka ba?

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Kerwin Espinosa: GMA News: Leila De Lima: GMA TV; Persida Acosta: Rappler]





LET THERE BE LIGHT (2016)

12 11 2016

untitled
Light bulb jokes, anyone?

Q: How many President Dutertes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One but it will probably take him 3 to 6 months (or even longer) to accomplish it.

Q: How many President Dutertes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to buy a new bulb from China and another to change it.

Q: How many President Dutertes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. He holds the bulb and the universe revolves around him.

Q: How many President Dutertes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and another to curse America out of habit.

Q: How many Vitaliano Aguirres does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and another to insist that Leila De Lima was responsible for the old bulb burning out.

Q: How many high-profile inmates does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Depends. What do they get in return?

Q: How many Leila De Limas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and another to initiate a probe on the possible involvement of President Duterte in the old light bulb’s death.

Q: How many General Bato De la Rosas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one but he’ll only do it in front of TV cameras and photographers.

Q: How many palace spokespersons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: At least five. One to change it and four to interpret what just happened.

Q: How many Alan Peter Cayetanos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and another to downplay the light bulb’s “death” saying more light bulbs “died” during the previous administration.

Q: How many Kris Aquinos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to tease the ‘event’ on Instagram, another to officially announce it in a presscon, and the third to actually change it.

Q: How many Supreme Court justices does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 14. Five to change it and nine to bury the burnt bulb at the Libingan ng mga Bayani.

Q: How many Official Gazette editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the new bulb and another to screw it in again – but with a new twist.

Q: How many Duterte fanatics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They won’t because the light bulb is “dilawan” and they hate anything “yellow.”

Q: How many Mocha Usons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and another to insinuate on Facebook that the “dead” light bulb took drugs and it deserved to die.

Q: How many Sandro Marcoses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The question is: does he even know what a light bulb is?

Q: How many La Salle basketeers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to import a reliable and really good light bulb and another to shout “Animo La Salle” while the third is changing it.

Q: How many UST basketeers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They would rather change their coach.

Q: How many UP Pep Squad members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They rather not. Maybe next year.

Q: How many Alma Morenos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Dasal lang. Dasal lang talaga.
————————————————————————————————————————
“To fight evil, you have to understand the dark.”
~Nalini Singh, ‘Heart of Obsidian’

Soundbites
“President Duterte, please give me a chance. I hope one day mamahalin mo rin ako.”
~Kris Aquino on Duterte’s snub of a scheduled interview

Do not insist.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo courtesy of Vector Stock and Mochablogger]





“LET IT GO!”

9 11 2016

VOTING 9-5, the Supreme Court allowed the burial of the late dictator Ferdinand Marcos at the Libingan ng mga Bayani as ordered by no less than President Duterte. The decision came out on the anniversary of Typhoon Yolanda as if reminding us all that this government can be as destructive.

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With the Supreme Court’s decision, the refrigerated body of the late dictator Ferdinand E. Marcos will soon be interred at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. From sub-zero to hero.

Reacting to the High Court’s ruling, the dictator’s eldest daughter Imee said, “’Wag na tayong magdebate. Kung anuman ang ating galit, hinanakit sa inyong puso, let it go.” Imee’s reaction and the late dictator’s body have something in common: frozen.

Petitioners will ask the Supreme Court to reconsider. Looking at history, the nine justices won’t likely reverse. They revise.

1imee
Nine justices of the Supreme Court allowed the burial of dictator Ferdinand E. Marcos at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. The nine justices have been invited to write for the government’s Official Gazette.

Citing Marcos’s human rights record during martial law, Sen. Grace Poe said the late dictator should not be buried at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. It was the harshest reaction yet from a member of the Marcos family.

Meanwhile, world champion boxer Manny Pacquiao told the media, “Ang Panginoon nga nakakapagpatawad, tayo pa kaya?” proving yet again that talking to him is a complete waste of time.

The Supreme Court voted to allow the burial of the late dictator Ferdinand E. Marcos at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. Marcos’s grandson, Sandro hailed the decision saying it “makes sense in the long term, at least for now.”

lnnb
After months of waiting, the Supreme Court has decided to allow the burial of the late dictator Ferdinand Marcos at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. Finally, Marcos loyalists believe, his spirit can now “cross over.” Yup! To hell.

Security will be tight during the burial of the late dictator Ferdinand E. Marcos. The only thing tighter will be Imelda’s face.
———————————————————————————————————————-
“Lack of accountability weakens democracy, justice, human rights, and international security.”
~Widad Akreyi, Danish human right activist

Soundbites
“For the Court to pretend that the present dispute is a simple question of the entitlement of a soldier to a military burial is to take a regrettably myopic view of the controversy. It would be to disregard historical truths and legal principles that persist after death. As important, it would be to degrade the State’s duty to recognize the pain of countless victims of Marcos and Martial Law. Regardless of the promised national unity that the proposed burial will bring, I cannot, in good conscience, support such an expedient and shortsighted view of Philippine history.”
~Chief Justice Ma. Lourdes Sereno

#MarcosNOTaHero

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Imee Marcos: Danny Pata/GMA News; LNMB: Corregidor.com]





MONKEYS

3 11 2016

SIX DRUG USERS were killed by unknown assailants in Mandaluyong and Pasig last October 31. The gruesome murders were dubbed by the media as “Halloween massacre” and by Malacañang as “campaign promise.”

Post-Halloween
President Duterte spent the Halloween weekend with his family in Davao City. His grandchildren enjoyed their costume party. Some of them arrived as Marvel superheroes while some as Disney characters. But one apo, who tried to scare his lolo, caught the ire of the President when he arrived as a ‘human rights advocate.’

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Broken Promise
A week after God “talked” to him while on a plane from Tokyo, President Duterte broke his promise not to use another cuss word. Cursing yet again the United States for reportedly scrapping an arms deal, Duterte called the Americans “monkeys.” Apparently, Duterte never saw the irony in calling them that.

Broken Promise II
When God allegedly threatened to bring down the plane carrying him from Tokyo, President Duterte vowed not to swear again. The other day though, he broke his promise. God can’t wait to board Duterte’s next flight to Malaysia.

The Fall
Citing our foul-mouthed president’s cursing of trading partners, Credit Suisse Group AG and Rabobank Groep predict the peso will weaken past 50 per dollar next year. In the words of Michelle Obama, “When Duterte goes low, the peso goes lower.”

Pacquiao
President Duterte said Manny Pacquiao should knock out welterweight champion Jessie Vargas in the early rounds of their scheduled fight this weekend. To be specific, Duterte wants Pacquiao to finish off Vargas in 3 to 6 rounds.

Safety First
A proposed bill in Congress will require PUV drivers to undergo and pass a mandatory traffic test to keep our roads safe. In response, angry PUV drivers said lawmakers must undergo and pass a mandatory honesty test to keep our taxes safe.

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Filipino
Foreign Affairs Sec. Perfecto Yasay has denied an online report he has dual citizenship. Yasay insisted, “I am not an American. I am a Filipino in thought, in word, and in deed. Xie xie!”

Imelda
Miss Earth Philippines Imelda Schweighart was in the news recently for her bad behavior. Apparently, Schweighart has been badmouthing a fellow Miss Earth candidate. The fearless Palawan native who is not afraid to speak her mind has since resigned as Miss Earth-Philippines to focus on her next target: the presidency of the Philippines.

The Reason?
1dutsinquirer

“Ganito kaliit ‘yong sa akin kapag ‘di ako nagmumura.
Kaya pagpasensyahan n’yo na kung ‘di ko mapigilang
mag-‘Putang ina’ araw-araw. Kailangan ko ‘yon
para mabawasan ang insecurity ko.”

Da Who?!
I am reprinting a juicy item from the Philippine Daily Inquirer written by award-winning business journalist Daxim Lucas.

Freebie-minded Cabinet official
The owner and officials of this large real estate firm couldn’t believe it.

One Duterte Cabinet official was recently at the shopping mall of this company and was being assisted by its officials, as is customary whenever a VIP guest is on the premises. And as part of their polite small talk, the mall people gave the Cabinet official the usual line: “Please let us know if there’s anything we can do for you.”

Well, it was soon apparent that there was something they could do for this Cabinet official and they were soon regretting their polite pro forma words. That’s because this Cabinet official asked an assistant the very next day to get in touch with the executives of the mall and ask them for 150 tickets—that’s right, 150—for a musical that was being staged in the theater owned by the firm.

Why? Well, the Cabinet official wanted other employees of the department to watch the musical, too.
But here’s the thing: This real estate company has firm guidelines when it comes to dealing with government officials, so the request was—gasp—turned down.
Instead of an outright rejection, however, the real estate firm sent this Cabinet official VIP tickets for the Cabinet official to watch the popular musical. And so the Cabinet official watched the musical. But it didn’t end there.

After the show, the Cabinet official went window-shopping at the mall and promptly found some interesting items. Thus, this official asked staffers to call the mall executives to inform them that the official wanted two pairs of designer shoes seen in the shops right that minute.

But the mall official reasoned that such a request could not immediately be granted. Instead, the stunned mall executive suggested that the shoes be sent to the Cabinet official’s office the next day.

The mall executive also rejected a suggestion by the Cabinet official’s staffer saying that the official should just be given a complimentary P50,000 spending spree, with purchases over this amount to be settled by the official.

Anyway, the shoes were promptly sent to the Cabinet official’s office the following day, with one mall executive even advancing the money for the purchase.

And you think that’s the end of the story? Nope. The shoes were sent back—to the consternation of everyone at the mall and real estate firm—because the Cabinet official said they didn’t fit correctly.
Of course, the matter has reached the tycoon who owns the mall and real estate firm who could only shake his head in disgust. Too bad they have to work with this Cabinet official’s department and agencies as part of their business operations. —

For more Bizz Buzz, click here.
—————————————————————————————————————————
“Murder is like potato chips: you can’t stop with just one.”
~Stephen King, Under the Dome

Soundbites
“Tingnan mo mga unggoy. ‘Yung 26,000 na baril na bibilhin natin sa kanila, ayaw nang ipagbili. ‘Tang ina mo!”
~Rodrigo Duterte

“Putang ina! Maski makipagsuntukan na kami sa mga drug lord na ‘yan kung kailangan, basta lang matapos natin ang giyera sa droga.”
~PNP Director General Ronald “Bato” dela Rosa on the reported scrapped arms deal with the US

Diplomacy.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte: Bullit Marquez/Associated Press; Yasay’s Facebook; Duterte 2: Associated Press/Eugene Hoshiko]





PATAY TAYO D’YAN!

28 10 2016

FIRST & EXCLUSIVE

All Saints’ Day Message
of
His Excellency Rodrigo Roa Duterte
President of the Philippines

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My countrymen:

Achtung!

I am truly happy dahil malapit na naman ang aking favorite national holiday, ang Araw ng mga Patay.

Masama ba? Pinaprangka ko lang kayo. Kung marami sa inyo ay nag-aabang ng Pasko o Valentine’s Day, ako naman, All Saints’ Day.

Simula sa taong ito, ang Araw ng mga Patay ay hindi na dapat ginugunita. Ito ay dapat sini-celebrate! Maraming rason kung bakit dapat ipagdiwang ang All Saints’ Day this year pero hindi ko na ‘yon iisa-isahin dahil masyadong marami – almost 4,000 na yata.

Hindi man sa pagmamayabang, ako ang presidenteng may pinakamalaking kontribusyon sa Araw ng mga Patay. Partida pa ‘yan, wala pa akong limang buwan sa puwesto. Tinutupad ko lang ang aking pangako noong kampanya.

If you would remember, (click here para maalala n’yo), nangako akong papatay ng lima kada linggo. Ngayon, kuwarenta’y kuwatro ang napapatay kada araw. Inuulit ko KADA ARAW! ‘Tang ina, ‘pag ‘di pa naman kayo natuwa n’yan, ewan ko na lang.

Sa mga may-ari ng punerarya at manager ng mga sementeryo, natutuwa ako dahil patuloy ang paglakas ng inyong negosyo. Kasama ‘yan sa ipinangako kong reporma sa inyo.

Sa mga taong bumabatikos sa aking pagtatrabaho, isa lang ang masasabi ko: PUTANG INA NINYO. Kinakampihan n’yo pa ang mga drug addicts at drug pusher pisti kayo.

Hindi ako natatakot mapatalsik sa pwesto, fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you some more! Seventy-one na ako, kahit patayin pa ako ng putang inang CIA na ‘yan, ok lang sa akin. Pero ito ang tandaan n’yo: habang nabubuhay ako, PUTANG INA NINYO!

Mahal ko ang aking bansa kaya pumapatay ako. Kung hindi n’yo matanggap ang ginagawa ko, magsilayas kayo, mga putang ina n’yo!

At kayong mga Amerikano, ‘di pa kayo nagso-sorry sa mga pinatay n’yong Pilipino 110 years ago. Putang ina n’yo. ‘Tapos you keep harping on the issue of human rights? How dare you!?!

Hanggang dito na lamang at sana’y maging ligtas ang biyahe n’yo pauwi sa inyong mga probinsya.

Proud ako sa patuloy n’yong pagtitiwala kahit marami sa inyo – lalo na sa social media ay nagmo-mochang tanga na sa kade-defend sa akin. Walang iwanan. Together, let us KILL THE USER AND KILL THE PUSHER!

Daghang salamat! Schasleevava pootee! Xie xie!
————————————————————————————————————————
“What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.”
~Albert Pine

1digong
Miss International 2016
Kylie Verzosa won the country’s sixth Miss International title. Reacting to Kylie’s victory, President Duterte said, “I am always happy if our beautiful women win all the titles. Pero lahat kayo diyan sa human rights commission, mga pangit!” Human rights commission employees refused to give a reaction. But they’ll give President Duterte a mirror.

In a speech during the pageant, Miss Philippines Kylie Versoza emphasized the importance of ‘international understanding.’ To which, President Duterte said, “What’s that?!”

Conversations
In a presscon shortly after arriving from Japan, President Duterte said God talked to him and threatened to bring the plane down if he wouldn’t stop using cuss words. When asked if He indeed talked to Duterte, God said, “Hashtag dream on!”

According to President Duterte, God talked to him while he was on the plane from Tokyo. He’s getting worse. First, psychopathy. Now, schizophrenia.

President Duterte claimed he was able to talk to God while on the plane from Japan. In the words of presidential spokesman Ernesto Abella, ‘creative imagination.’

1dutertejapan
Interview
Controversial Duterte fanatic Mocha Uson who has been critical of legitimate media organizations was recently invited by the Philippine Daily Inquirer for a sit-down interview. Apparently, the Inquirer heeded Sun Tzu’s advice: In war time, keep your friends close and your enemies, closer.

Critical of legit journalists and media outlets, Duterte fanatics and Mocha Uson labeled some news organizations like the Inquirer, ABS-CBN, GMA 7, Rappler, Philippine Star, and CNN Philippines as “presstitutes” – a portmanteau of press and prostitute. When someone told her, “Ikaw din naman ah – presstitute!” – Mocha Uson replied, “Excuse me, hindi ako press!”

Sound Bites
“I was looking at the skies as I was coming over here. And I… everybody was asleep snoring. A voice said that you know ‘If you don’t stop (inaudible), I will bring this plane down now.’ And I said, who is this? Of course, it’s God. Oh, OK. So, I promised God not to express slang, cuss words.”
~President Duterte

Be rational.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos courtesy of Karl Norman Alonzo/PPD (Duterte); Kylie Versoza/Instagram; Inquirer: Mocha]





A SEPARATION

23 10 2016

“America has lost. I, in this venue, your honors, in this venue, I announce my separation from the United States both in military — not in social — both in military but economic. I am separated from them, so I will be dependent on you for all time.”
~President Duterte in Beijing, China

1duterte
IN FRONT of Chinese businessmen and Chinese Vice Premier Zhang Gaoli, President Duterte announced his “separation” from the United States and revealed his plan to talk to “President Vladimir Putin and tell him that there are three of us against the world – China, Philippines and Russia.” Shortly after, Filipinos online announced their ‘separation’ from Rodrigo Duterte.

According to President Rodrigo Duterte, it will be the triumvirate of China, Philippines and Russia “against the world.” Baffled, the world asked, “Inaano ba kita? Punyeta ka!”

Moments after announcing his “separation from the US,” President Duterte revealed his intention to tell Vladimir Putin “there are three of us against the world – China, Philippines and Russia.” Although it wasn’t reported that day, Sanity also announced its separation from Rodrigo Duterte.

Just a day after announcing in Beijing his “separation” from the United States – both military and economic, President Duterte backtracked. He said the country would not sever ties with the US – prompting the Makabayan bloc to cancel a victory party scheduled for tonight.

Exerting his best effort to interpret the President’s controversial statement, Presidential Communications chief Martin Andanar said, “It’s like a father and a son and the son has to leave the house, and the son has to marry and move to a different house.” But before leaving, the son had to curse his father and call him ‘son of a bitch’ while flashing a dirty finger.

Presidential Communications chief Martin Andanar said, “Separation is not an annulment. It’s not a divorce. It’s like a father and a son and the son has to leave the house, and the son has to marry and move to a different house.” Thank you Brother Andanar for sharing with us that engaging parable of foreign policy.

Saying we must wait for official guidelines, Presidential Communications Office Assistant Secretary Marie Banaag said the public should not “interpret” the President’s statement. Which makes sense since there’s already a government department for that.

Rowdy, Discourteous
Continuing his tirades against Westerners in front of the Chinese, President Duterte said, “Americans are a very discourteous people. They are a little bit loud, sometimes rowdy.” To be exact, Americans are the second rowdiest group of people in the world – next only to Duterte fanatics.

Quote of the Weak
Sandro Marcos continues to showcase his comedic talent online. Reacting to the President’s pronouncements in Beijing, Bongbong Marcos’s son tweeted, “Duterte shying away from the US actually makes sense in the long term, at least for now ” – forcing Agot Isidro to advise, “May kakilala akong Language teacher. Pa-tutor ka.”

Disclaimer
Before the President is allowed to deliver a speech or asked to comment on something, there must be a disclaimer. I suggest any of the following:

The views expressed by Rodrigo Duterte do not necessarily reflect the views of the government of the Republic of the Philippines or the Filipino people.

The views and opinions expressed by Rodrigo Duterte do not necessarily represent official policy or position of the Republic of the Philippines or its citizens.

Ang mga pananaw ni Rodrigo Duterte ay kanya lamang at hindi kumakatawan sa pananaw o opisyal na polisiya ng Republika ng Pilipinas at ng mga Filipino maliban na lamang sa mga panatikong oo lang nang oo sa kanyang mga sinasabi at ginagawa.

Ang talumpati o pahayag na ito ay Rated SPG: Striktong Patnubay at Gabay ng magulang ang kailangan. Maaaring may maseselang tema, lengguwahe, karahasan, pagbabanta, sekswal, homophobia, misogyny, at droga na hindi angkop sa mga bata.
————————————————————————————————————————————–
“Telling someone who is manic that he’s manic is like telling a dictator that he’s a dick. Neither is going to admit it, and both are willing to torture you to prove their points.”
~Melody Moezzi, ‘Haldol and Hyacinths: A Bipolar Life’

Sound Bites
“It is not severance of ties. You say severance of ties, you cut the diplomatic relations. I cannot do that. It is in the best interest of my country that we maintain that relationship.”
~President Duterte explaining his ‘separation’ statement

SMH.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte: Rappler]





MENTALITY

20 10 2016

DOZENS OF PROTESTERS were hurt when a police vehicle rammed into a group of anti-US protesters in front of the US Embassy in Manila. The police van charged backward then sprinted forward twice hitting the militants. The Philippine National Police was quick to deny reports that its motto ‘To serve and protect’ has been changed to ‘Too fast and too furious.’

Daring
Before the violent dispersal, Manila Police District director Col. Marcelino Pedroso was caught on cam telling his men, “Magkagulo na kung magkagulo. Pulis tayo. Lumaban kayo!” Pedroso has been diagnosed with ‘Duterte Syndrome.’

Denial
News footage showed the police van suddenly charged backward then sprinted forward twice hitting militant rallyists. But NCR Police Office director Chief Supt. Oscar Albayalde denied this and said, “Hindi naman sila sinagasaan!” Apparently, everything caught on video was all in our mind. A product of our creative imagination.

A First
For the first time since President Duterte took office, a violent dispersal of militant protesters happened. And for the first time in history, the militants had no president to blame.

Advice
The driver of the police van that ran over a group of protesters was identified as Franklin Kho. His superior told him not to worry because, ‘May kilala akong lawyer.’ While Agot Isidro told him, ‘May kilala akong psychiatrist. Patingin ka.’

In Beijing…
When told about the incident, President Duterte vowed to issue a statement when he returns from China on Friday, Oct. 21. But he has expressed doubts that police officer Franklin Kho was guilty of ‘extrajudicial driving.’

Probe
President Duterte said he had repeatedly told the police to exercise maximum tolerance during protest rallies. Still, a Manila cop driving a police van plowed through a group of militant protesters on Wednesday. The President has ordered his men to investigate if the driver had links to Senator Leila De Lima.

In Other News…
After typhoon Karen, there was super-typhoon Lawin. Tama na. Mother Nature should stop sending us destructive forces that kill. We already have our government.
______________________________________________________________________________________
“Surrender is no guarantee that an armed police officer will not shoot you.”
~Steven Magee

Sound Bites
“Your stay in my country was for your own benefit. So time to say goodbye, my friend.”
~President Duterte to US, speaking in Beijing

Wait for the interpretations.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos/Videos US Embassy Protest: Inquirer.Net; Default Image Pic and Duterte Image: Agence France Presse]





LOW BLOW

14 10 2016

FROM BAOG and biyuda to peluka and p*tang in@: how updated are you? Find out by answering this news quiz. Good luck!

1houseblows
1: Habang pinag-uusapan ang Charter Change, nagkainitan sina Surigao del Norte Rep. Robert ‘Ace’ Barbers at Surigao del Sur Rep. Prospero Pichay. Nagpang-abot ang dalawa at nagkasigawan. Alin sa mga sumusunod ang sinabi nila sa isa’t isa?
A:
Barbers: Putang ina mo!
Pichay: Putang ina mo rin!
Barbers: Magnanakaw!
Pichay: Putang ina mo rin!

B:
Barbers: Putang ina mo!
Pichay: Putang ina mo rin!
Barbers: Mas nauna akong nagsabi ng putang ina. Talo ka na.
Pichay: Mas nauna si Pangulong Duterte, tanga!

C:
Barbers: Putang ina mo!
Pichay: Putang ina mo rin!
Barbers: Overweight ka gago!
Pichay: Hayup ka! Wala namang personalan!

2: Ayon kay Senate justice committee chair Richard Gordon, walang state-sponsored o state-sanctioned extrajudicial killing sa bansa. Ano raw meron?
A: Wala lang. Presidenteng nag-e-encourage na patayin mo ang may atraso sa ‘yo. ‘Yon lang. Masama bang pumatay? Uso naman ah.
B: Wala lang. Ilusyon lang ang lahat.
C: Wala lang. Ang mga iniulat na napatay, lahat nag-suicide!

1agotbashers
3: Matapos tawaging “psychopath” ni Agot Isidro si Pangulong Duterte, sari-saring paninira ang ginawa ng Duterte fanatics sa aktres – na pinaniwalaan naman at shinare pa ng mga istupido sa social media. Ngunit ano ba ang reaksyon ng Pangulo sa sinabi ni Agot?
A: Bahala na ang mga kampon ko sa ‘yo. Good luck na lang.
B: Everyday, beginning today, sa isip ko’y yakap ka pa. Peace!
C: Ok lang. Totoo namang psychopath ako eh. At least, honest ako at may nagawa. Eh s’ya?

4: Nag-apologize sa social media ang National Anti-Poverty Commission (NAPC) na pinamumunuan ni Liza Maza ng militanteng Gabriela dahil sa offensive post ng official Facebook at Twitter accounts ng ahensya laban kina Agot Isidro at Vice President Leni Robredo. Ano ang ipinost ng NAPC troll na pinasusuweldo pa man din ng gobyerno?
A: Gutom na gutom siguro sa lalaki itong sina Agot Isidro at Leni Robredo.
B: Isidro, Robredo… tuta ng Kano… i-bagsak!
C: Ang ingay-ingay ng baog at ng biyuda. Manahimik na lang kayo Agot Isidro at Leni Robredo.

5: Instead na sampahan siya ng kaso sa Ombudsman, sinampahan si Senador De Lima ng kaso sa Dep’t. of Justice. Ayon sa Senadora, “Maybe because that is the domain of Aguirre, the master of fakery.” Siyempre, pinatulan siya ni Aguirre. Ano ang sabi nito?
A: Fake-fake mong madumi!
B: ‘Tang ina mo! Inaano ka ba ng peluka ko?!
C: I have a saba, I have a De Lima. Ugh! De Lima-Saba!

1wig
6: Sino ito?
A: Wenn Deramas
B: Winnie Castelo
C: Zooey Deschanel

7: Muling tinira ni Pangulong Duterte ang ilang lider ng CBCP na kritikal sa kanyang madugong war on drugs. He recently lashed out at former Davao bishop Fernando Capalla. Duterte said, “Mga pari putang ina, bwisit. Mga pamoral-moral. Si Capalla, ‘yong bishop namin doon, pareho man kaming __________.” Ano?
A: Pareho man kaming malibog n’yan!
B: Pareho man kaming nagva-Viagra n’yan!
C: Pareho man kaming buang n’yan!

8: Itinanggi ng dating bold actress na si Rosanna Roces na kabit siya ng isang drug lord sa Bilibid. Kumpletuhin ang paliwanag ni Osang: “Hindi droga ang business ko sa Bilibid (kundi) ________.”
A: Ligaya. Ligaya ang itawag mo sa akin.
B: Catering. Alam mo na! #HappyMeal
C: Caregiving. I care, they give.

1im
9: Kinuyog ng Duterte supporters and Duterte fanatics ang Miss Earth-Philippines na si Imelda Schweighart dahil sa binitiwan nitong salita tungkol kay President Duterte habang kausap ang candidate mula sa Germany. Ano ang kontrobersyal na sinabi ni Schweighart?
A: “You know what Ms Germany, our President is uncircumcised like many Europeans. Hihihi”
B: “You are German, I’m half-German, and our President is half-Hitler. Winner!”
C: “Our President’s ex-wife has German roots. So let’s be careful. He’s kinda manyak.”

10: May kadramahan na naman si Kris Aquino. Inamin ng TV host na nagtampo siya nang husto sa ex-husband niyang si James Yap recently dahil:
A: May lovelife ang basketbolista, siya wala. #saklap
B: Hindi siya kinuhang ninang sa bago nitong baby
C: Trip lang. Part ‘yon ng annual tradition ni Kris. Kailangang awayin niya si James every year.

IN OTHER NEWS…
Ifugao lawmaker Teodoro Baguilat Jr. has filed a bill that seeks to promote mental health protection and improve mental health services. In a private text message, the President said, “Thanks for the concern.”

Mental Health II
Baguilat said there’s a serious problem of lack of qualified mental health personnel in the Philippines. Today, there are only 490 government psychiatrists. And they’re all assigned to the President.

1fadou
ICC Reacts
The International Criminal Court has spoken. ICC chief prosecutor Fatou Bensouda said she is “deeply concerned” about reports of extrajudicial killings of suspected drug dealers and users in the Philippines. She added statements by “high officials” in the counry “seem to condone such killings.” At press time, President Duterte has yet to release a statement although his online trolls have already released racist memes.

Fight
Congressmen Ace Barbers and Prospero Pichay traded insults and nearly came to blows during a House hearing the other day. Barbers and Pichay are just two of the reasons why there is a “Low” in Lower House.

Damage
Reacting to the incident involving Congressmen Barbers and Pichay and the damage this may have caused to the image of the House of Representatives, Speaker Pantaleon Alvarez said, “Hindi naman siguro talagang na-damage.” Besides, what’s there left to damage?
——————————————————————————————————————————–
“If you want to discover the true character of a person, you have only to observe what they are passionate about.”
~Shannon L. Alder

Sound Bites
“Sa isang banda, si Agot Isidro, may sense sinasabi; kung gusto mong magutom, magutom kang mag-isa ‘wag mong kami idamay. Kung sumama ang ekonomiya, madadamay lahat nang karamihan ng Pilipino na magugutom.”
~Sen. Panfilo Lacson

“For the record, I don’t have a lover now. I don’t have a boyfriend now. I wish I had one so that he will take care of me.”
~Sen. Leila De Lima

Elsewhere
‘Don’t feed the trolls’ really is a good advice. Here’s the evidence.
“Deny them the pleasure of an angry reaction, and they’ll probably leave you alone.”

Don’t be gullible.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Barbers vs. Pichay: Inquirer.Net; Imelda Schweighart on IG; General Bato on IG]





PSYCHOPATH

10 10 2016

PRESIDENT DUTERTE is in office for 100 days now. When asked to rate his performance on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest, Duterte gave himself a 6; Senator Lacson gave him a 7.5, and funeral parlors gave him a plaque of appreciation.

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Serial Killer
Amid the increasing number of deaths in connection with the government’s relentless war on drugs, French newspaper ‘The Liberation’ – in a four-page banner story – dubbed Duterte a “serial killer president.” When Duterte heard about this, he Googled, “What’s ‘Go to hell!’ in French?”

Serial Killer II
French newspaper ‘The Liberation’ called Duterte a “serial killer president.” Duterte’s chief apologist in the Senate, Alan Peter Cayetano will release a statement as soon as he figures out a way to blame this on De Lima, Drilon and Trillanes.

Psychopath
In a Facebook post, actress Agot Isidro advised President Duterte to have himself checked by a psychiatrist. The actress said, “You’re not bipolar. You are a psychopath.” Duterte diehards were quick to retaliate. They called on the Bureau of Immigration to immediately deport the actress saying “she’s obviously French.”

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Psychopath II
On Facebook, actress Agot Isidro slammed President Duterte for daring the US and the European Union to withdraw their aid to the Philippines. She even called Duterte a “psychopath.” Presidential spokesman Ernesto Abella defended the President saying he only wanted the Philippines to be “economically independent.” When asked if the President was a “psychopath,” Abella said, Duterte only wanted the Philippines to be “economically independent.”

Psychopath III
On Facebook, actress Agot Isidro criticized President Duterte for his series of tirades against the US, the UN, and the European Union. Isidro even advised the President to have himself checked by a psychiatrist saying he’s “a psychopath.” Presidential spokesperson Ernesto Abella said the actress was entitled to her own opinion – and then texted, “Alam mo na ang gagawin mo!” to Mocha Uson.

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Psychopath IV
As expected, fanatical Duterte supporters viciously attacked Agot Isidro online. The foul-mouthed trolls told the actresss, “Putang ina mo baog! Hindi totoo ang sinabi mo. Si Tatay Digong ay hindi psicopat, pcychophath, psychopatch, sira-ulo na nga lang.”

Imagine
Last week, presidential spokesman Ernesto Abella said the public must not take the President’s words literally. Instead, he said, “Let us use our creative imagination.” For example, when the President says, “Fuck you UN!” he can’t literally fuck an organization. So just imagine the President fucking Ban Ki-Moon instead. That’s creative imagination for you right there.

Imagine II
Presidential spokesman Ernesto Abella said, President Duterte’s words must not be taken literally. For example, when the President said he would kill his children if they were into drugs, that couldn’t be true. Paolo Duterte is very much alive.

Cocaine User
Davao City Vice Mayor Paolo Duterte who has been accused of being a drug user said, “May isang senador diyan na gumagamit ng cocaine.” He made the accusation without presenting any evidence. And President Duterte was like, “Anak nga kita.”

Jesus Christ!
Reminiscing the day President Duterte offered him his current job, Presidential Communications Office chief Martin Andanar said, “This must be how the apostles felt when Jesus told them to follow Him. Like the apostles, I obeyed.” Andanar couldn’t recall though Duterte’s exact words then because they were in Aramaic.

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Jesus Christ! II
Presidential Communications Office chief Martin Andanar likened himself to the apostles and President Duterte to Jesus when he offered him his current job. A mesmerized Andanar said he just “obeyed” Duterte who promised to pay him 100,000 shekels a month.

Hostage Incident
A 32-year-old man who took three people hostage at SM City Dasmariñas on Sunday afternoon was shot and killed by the police. Reports say the man entered the mall with a concealed weapon around 11 am. Shortly after, he was heard “cursing and shouting” attracting the attention of shoppers who thought President Duterte was insde the mall.

Morning Show
President Duterte has announced his upcoming morning show on PTV Channel 4. He didn’t say if it will go up against ABS-CBN’s ‘Umagang Kay Ganda’ or GMA 7’s ‘Unang Hirit’ but the show’s working title is ‘Unang Mura.’
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“Insanity is contagious.”
~Joseph Heller

Sound Bites
“Rodrigo Duterte’s first 100 days as president have been marked by state-sanctioned violence on a truly shocking scale. His brutal crackdown on those allegedly involved in drug crimes has led to carnage on the streets and the obliteration of key human rights, including the right to life and to due process.”
~Amnesty International

Elsewhere
Philippines secret death squads: officer claims police teams behind wave of killings
“Now, for the first time, a serving officer is revealing the inner workings of what he claims is an officially sanctioned, albeit secret, campaign to rid the streets of unwanted citizens.”

How Facebook algorithms impact democracy
“In every attack, Mocha Uson provides no evidence for her ad hominem accusations, but they have been shared often that many believe they are true.”

Do not be deceived.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: The Liberation; Agot Isidro Facebook; Jesus/Apostles: Eborg2.com]





THINGY

5 10 2016

FOUL-MOUTHED Philippine president Rodrigo Duterte threatened to “break up with America” and even told President Obama, “You can go to hell!” In response, Obama said, “Thanks for the invite.”

Duterte also lashed out at the European Union (EU) and said, “better choose purgatory, hell is filled up.” The European Union is asking about the context of Duterte’s statement, how Duterte said it, and why Duterte knows so much about hell.

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Slaughter Them!
It’s less than 90 days before Christmas. Everyone can’t wait for the Yuletide season including President Duterte. In particular, the President is excited about December 28 because on that day he celebrates the slaughter of three million innocents.

Hitler
While defending his all-out war on drugs, President Duterte invoked Nazi leader Adolf Hitler and the Holocaust. His most rabid millennial supporters were like, “What’s Holocaust?”

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Neo-Nazi?
President Duterte recently appointed former congressman Teddyboy Locsin as Philippine ambassador to the United Nations. Locsin is now being criticized online after a tweet he posted last August 22 resurfaced and went viral. In the controversial post, Locsin said, “I believe that the Drug Menace is so big it needs a FINAL SOLUTION like the Nazis adopted. That I believe. NO REHAB.” Locsin has since deleted the tweet which apparently was Duterte’s basis for appointing him to the government in the first place.

Withdrawn
Congressmen have apparently backed down on their plan to show the fake Leila De Lima “sex video” in the next House hearing. The time they spent watching it on RedTube was satisfying enough.

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Busted
Actor Mark Anthony Fernandez has been arrested for alleged possession of a kilo of marijuana. Alma Moreno will have to pray harder.

Mark Anthony Fernandez says he uses marijuana as a “medication to PREVENT cancer.” Doctors who heard the statement concluded, “He’s obviously on drugs.”

Thingy
Someone sent me this letter last Friday.

Hello there! Just call me Maybe.

I really don’t understand. Like, you know. Why?!? Kasi nga, ‘di ba, there’s this letter from our school which came out today encouraging us to wear black sa game on Sunday between Ateneo and La Salle. When I read it, I was like, “Are you effin serious?” Ready na ang shirt ko. I even bought a new one at Powerplant in Rockwell so don’t be KJ, okayyyyy!!!!!???? (I won’t tell the color to protect my school. At ayaw kong ma-bash like, you know.)

An hour ago, my bestie texted, “Let’s go black huh kasi Dad said he’ll be in black.” I refused. Kasi nga, why mix politics and sports? Every year, naka-green or blue naman kapag La Salle vs Ateneo ‘tapos ngayon itim? Baduy.

And they’re talking about this EJK thingy. Fine. They’re killing the poor and the dugyots. But as President Duterte said, they’re addicts naman ‘di ba? They’re a menace to the society. ‘Buti na lang I don’t commute. Kasi baka ‘di ko kayanin ang threats. Like you know, when they’re gonna rob you or snatch your iPhone 7. Scary shit. By the way, there’s an iPhone 7 that exploded na raw. Gosh, I’m effin worried. Should I ask Dad for a new one?

Before some people bash me, let me be clear lang huh. I respect those who are against this EJK thingy. Pero if you wanna express your opposition to it, kayo na lang. It’s not everyone’s thing naman kasi. Besides, I kinda support naman President Duterte when he said na dapat mawala ang mga addicts of this world. I mean, helllllooooo. They’re so katakot naman talaga eh.

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Aside from this EJK thing, na-mention din sa letter ‘yong Marcos burial issue. Like, helllloooo!!!! Pati ba naman ‘yon isama???? Anong kunek sa game ‘di ba? ‘DI BA???? I know for a fact (yes, nagbabasa naman ako) that Marcos has been frozen for like three decades. Let him rest. Anywhere! Move on na tayo! (Btw, Sandro Marcos’s older brother is a lot cuter. I mean, Sandro is ok by local standards but he’s got this like horrendous grammar so it’s a sorta turn off thingy).

‘Yun lang. I just shared my thoughts. Mas ok nang maging honest ‘di ba? Kesa naman you wear black just for the heck of it. I mean, maayos naman ang human rights ko. My friends and I live a peaceful life naman. We can go to the malls, window shop, eat pizza. We’re so free. And my family’s rights are not being violated naman. So, anong isyu ‘di ba? Feeling ko, medyo OA lang talaga ang reaction ng iba on this human rights thingy. But I respect them.

Done! At least nasabi ko na ang nararamdaman ko. I have to go. I’ll go check Manang muna if naplantsa na niya ‘yong new shirt ko. Can’t wait to watch the game. Wish us luck! XOXO
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“I believe that the war on drugs is a tragically misplaced use of resources – an immoral venture that produces far more suffering than it alleviates.”
~David Harsanyi

Perceived wrongs?
Boo to this noisy Sri Lankan-turned-Filipino (thanks to the late dictator Ferdinand Marcos whom he served well)

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Sound Bites
“Sobrang ingay ng pangulo. Tama lang na ipakita niyang galit siya sa droga pero ‘wag na siyang mag-ingay na: ‘Papatayin kita.’ ‘I will kill you.’ Hindi tama iyan. Kaya he is falling on his own sword, nadadapa siya sa kanyang espada dahil salita siya nang salita.”
~Sen. Richard Gordon

Word.

Elsewhere
Propaganda war: Weaponizing the internet by MARIA RESSA
A fake account is a manufactured online identity, sometimes known as a troll depending on the account’s behavior. Not all trolls are part of a paid propaganda campaign, but for now let’s focus on the paid initiatives, which can pay a troll up to P100,000/month.

Poll Results
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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Heil Hitler Digong: Macky Pamintuan; Teddyboy Locsin: Inquirer.net; Mark Anthony Fernandez: Victoria Tulad/GMA News; UAAP: Camille Naredo]





THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE.

30 09 2016

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THE FEISTY and the brilliant Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago is in the headlines. She’s dead. This marks the first time since June 30 that someone who made it to the headlines for being dead was neither killed by the cops nor summarily executed by unknown assailants.

In a statement, President Duterte said Senator Miriam “is best remembered as a graftbuster ‘eating death threats for breaksfast.’” While Duterte will be best remembered as a drug-buster eating words after press cons.

The President noted that for being a graftbuster, Senator Miriam earned the title ‘Iron Lady of Asia.’ To be fair to Duterte, he has already earned the title ‘Iron Man of the Solar System.’

President Duterte said, “As a constitutionalist, Senator Miriam has always been an advocate for the rule of law.” When asked if he’s also an ‘advocate for the rule of law,’ Duterte replied, “Did I claim to be a constitutionalist?’’

1miriam
Senator Miriam’s running mate in the last elections, Bongbong Marcos said she “has left the world less wise, less bright.” To which, his son, Sandro said, “Ouch!”

Miriam’s popularity waned when she supported deposed president Joseph Estrada during his impeachment trial. In 2001, she vowed to jump off a plane without a parachute “if Erap is arrested for plunder.” The arrest did happen. When confronted by the media about her promise, the senator infamously quipped, “But I lied ha-ha-ha-ha” – totally inspiring the likes of Noynoy Aquino [Magpapasagasa ako sa tren] and Rodrigo Duterte [Magji-jet ski ako sa Spratlys at magtatayo ako ng Philippine flag].

1htgawm
Senator Miriam was the first Asian to be elected as judge of the International Criminal Court (ICC) based in the Hague, Netherlands. It is the “court of last resort” for war crimes, genocide, and crimes against humanity. The ICC was probably Miriam’s “greatest dream” and will probably be Rodrigo Duterte’s “worst nightmare.”

Former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo said, “Senator Miriam’s life is the epitome of good governance.” And then she asked, “How to be you po?”

House Speaker Pantaleon Alvarez said, “We lost one of the most feared campaigner against corruption in government.” In totally unrelated news, lawmakers will each get 80 million pesos in pork barrel “district allocations” under the proposed 2017 budget.

1-aguirr
Controversial Justice Secretary Vitaliano Aguirre II said the country had “lost a great mind and an indefatigable leader and public servant.” When reporters tried asking follow-up questions, he refused and covered his ears.

Sec. Vitaliano Aguirre added, “My regret is that I had no opportunity to reconcile with her.” Well, there’s a way to do THAT naman. Gusto mong i-try?

Senators called Miriam Defensor-Santiago an “intellectual giant.” When she died, the Senate lowered the Philippine flag to half-staff and the average Senate IQ by half.
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“The true statesman is the one who is willing to take risks.”
~Charles de Gaulle

In other news…
According to President Duterte, the CIA is planning to kill him – prompting Fidel Castro to release a statement saying, “Itigil ang ilusyon! Hindi pa kita ka-level.”

President Duterte believes the Central Intelligence Agency is out to destroy him. The CIA replied, “You’re already doing that. Why would we interrupt you?”

Ironic
Manny Pacquiao admitted he used different kinds of drugs as a teenager but kicked the habit, reformed himself, and became a world champion. Today though, he supports President Duterte’s all-out war on drugs. Kill the user. Kill the pusher. Pacquiao cannot see the irony in that. As Senator Miriam’s book would probably say, “Pacquiao is forever!”

Manny Pacquiao admitted he did use different kinds of drugs. We can still see the side effects.

Sound Bites
“I accept this. I do not want to do anything heroic.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago’s last words as quoted by her husband, Narciso Santiago

Personal
We had differing opinions on some issues and I did ‘heckle’ her on this blog a number of times but I have always admired the brilliance and humor of Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago. She would always send me a Christmas gift – even until last year when she was battling cancer. In Philippine politics though, she was the gift. Maraming salamat at paalam Senator Miriam.

There can only be one. Indeed.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Sen. Miriam on Facebook; Duterte: Vincent Go; Aguirre: GMA News]








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