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CONGRESSMEN & TRAFFIC

19 09 2017

1estrada
JINGGOY ESTRADA, whose trial for plunder and graft & corruption charges, is ongoing, has been granted temporary liberty. He posted a P1.33 million bail over the weekend. Immediately after his release, he thanked the Sandiganbayan, his family, and the Filipino taxpayers who shouldered his bail bond.

Of the five members of the Sandiganbayan Fifth Division, three justices voted to grant Jinggoy Estrada bail. The next day, all three justices received this text message from Malacañang: What exactly do you want?

1Boobay Tekla
Anniversary
Juan Ponce Enrile and wife, Cristina celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary. Which explains why Gigi Reyes changed her Facebook status to “Single.”

The roster of high-profile guests included Imelda, Imee and Bongbong Marcos; Joseph Estrada and Jinggoy Estrada; former vice president Jejomar Binay, his wife Elenita, and Junjun Binay as well as former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo – prompting one of the food servers to quip, “Ano ‘to Bilibid?!?”

Entitlement
House Majority Floor Leader Rodolfo Fariñas wants the MMDA to grant lawmakers “parliamentary immunity” from minor traffic violations. Citing a provision in the Constitution, the Ilocos Norte representative says apprehending lawmakers will delay the performance of their duties. That, of course, is understandable because round-the-clock licking of Duterte’s ass is not an easy job.

Samantala sa EDSA… Prrrrt!

Traffic Enforcer: Lisensya.

Motorist: Lisensya? Hindi mo ba ako nakikilala? Congressman ako!

Traffic Enforcer: Hindi rin n’yo ba ako nakikilala? Traffic enforcer ako!

Motorist: Meron akong parliamentary immunity!

Traffic Enforcer: Meron ho akong ipinapatupad na batas!

Motorist: Mali-late na ako sa session! ‘T@ng %n@!

Traffic Enforcer: Linggo ho ngayon. May session?

Motorist:

Traffic Enforcer: Sige, isip pa ng palusot. ‘T@ng %n@g ‘to.

* * * * *

Traffic Enforcer: Pare, lisensya.

Motorist: Boss, congressman ako.

Traffic Enforcer: Ooops sorry! Congressman, lisensya.

Motorist: Sinabi ko na ‘di ba? Congressman ako!

Traffic Enforcer: Sorry Congressman. Isang tanong na lang: Na-experience mo na bang mag-trend sa Twitter?

Motorist:

Traffic Enforcer: Lisensya.

Motorist: Kanina ko pa nga inaabot sa ‘yo ‘di ba?

* * * * *

Traffic Enforcer: Sir, lisensya.

Motorist: Bakit? Anong violation?

Traffic Enforcer: Beating the red light ho.

Motorist: Congressman ako.

Traffic Enforcer: Sabi ko ho beating the red light.

Motorist: Narinig ko. Narinig mo ba ang sinabi ko: ‘Congressman’ ako.

Traffic Enforcer: So anong gusto n’yong gawin ko: palampasin ang violation n’yo?! Magkunwaring walang nangyari? Balewalain ang batas-trapiko? Kilalanin ang pribileheyo n’yo bilang mataas na opisyal ng gobyerno? Sumunod na lang sa gusto n’yo dahil maliit na enforcer lamang ako habang kayo ay milyun-milyon ang deposito sa bangko para pantustos sa mga kabit n’yo? Kalimutang may sinumpaan akong tungkulin? Takasan ang aking responsibilidad sa bayan ‘tapos bahala na kung mawalan ako ng dignidad at respeto sa aking sarili?

Motorist: Heto na ang lisensya ko. Matahimik ka lang.

Traffic Enforcer:

Motorist: At next time, ‘wag na ‘wag mong pakikialaman ang mga kabit ko. Namemersonal ka eh!

1car

Traffic Enforcer: Lisensya mo.

Motorist: Congressman ako. I’m in a hurry. Pa-Batasan ako.

Traffic Enforcer: May violation kayo, Sir. Lisensya n’yo.

Motorist: Akala mo ‘di ko alam kung saan papunta ang usapang ‘to? Hoy! Kilala ko kayo. Mga buwaya sa kalsada! Magkano?

Traffic Enforcer: Wow. Kung maka-buwaya kayo Sir parang hindi crocodile farm ang pupuntahan n’yo ah. Lisensya!

Motorist: Pagsisisihan mo ‘to! Tatawagan ko si MMDA Chairman Danny Lim. Tatawagan ko si Mayor! Tatawagan ko si House Speaker.

Traffic Enforcer: Wait lang, Sir. Tatawagan ko lang si Karen Davila!

Motorist: ‘To naman, ‘di na mabiro. Ganda ng gupit natin ah.

* * * * *

Traffic Enforcer: Sir, ‘yung lisensya mo, patingin.

Motorist: Hindi mo ba ako nakikilala? Araw-araw ako sa TV!

Traffic Enforcer: Arnold Clavio?

Motorist: Gago! Congressman ako. Hindi ako basta-basta. CONGRESSMAN AKO!

Traffic Enforcer: So, anong gusto n’yong mangyari?

Motorist: ‘Di ka ba talaga nanonood o nagbabasa ng balita? Ano bang dapat ginagawa sa mga tulad ko?

Traffic Enforcer: Ibinubunyag ang kurapsyon! Tapos huhulihin! Then lilitisin at ikukulong habambuhay para ‘di na uli makapagnakaw.

Motorist:

Traffic Enforcer: Sorry Sir, mabilis lang talaga akong mag-isip. Ano ba dapat?

* * * * *

Traffic Enforcer: Sir, pakitabi.  At ‘yung lisensya n’yo, pakilabas.

Motorist: ‘Sensya boss. Nagmamadali eh. May hearing kami. Congressman nga pala ako.

Traffic Enforcer: I see. So bakit kailangan n’yong sabihing congressman kayo? Ano ang gusto n’yong mangyari ngayon?

Motorist: Gusto kong sabihin mo nang maayos ang violation ko ‘tapos ticketan mo ako, kunin mo ang lisensya ko kung kinakailangan at magmumulta ako para tubusin ang lisensya sa tamang ahensya.

Traffic Enforcer: Hindi ka congressman! Sinungaling! Impostor! Mapagkunwari! Peke!

Motorist:

* * * * *

Traffic Enforcer: Sir, pakitabi. ‘Tsaka, ‘yung lisensya mo, patingin.

Motorist: Boss, Congressman ako. Nagmamadali ako.

Traffic Enforcer: Obvious nga Sir eh. Beating the red light ka.

Motorist: Pilosopo ka rin ‘no?

Traffic Enforcer: Nagsasabi lang ng totoo, Sir.

Motorist: Hindi ko gusto ‘yang tono ng pananalita mo. Totoong pulis ka ba o kunwa-kunwariang pulis lang?

Traffic Enforcer: Dati akong pulis-Caloocan, Sir.

Motorist:

Traffic Enforcer: Ano nga palang ‘di mo gusto sa pananalita ko, Sir?

Motorist: Ticketan mo na lang ako. Sige na para ‘di na tayo maabala pareho.
_______________________________________________________________________________
“Leadership is a privilege to better the lives of others. It is not an opportunity to satisfy personal greed.”
~Mwai Kibaki

Sound Bites
“If he would introduce himself as a congressman, and it be proven that he really is a congressman, don’t bring him to the precinct. Because if you bring him to the precinct, he would not be able to perform his functions [as a lawmaker].”
~Ilocos Norte Rep. Rodolfo Fariñas

Sus.

Elsewhere
The Young Turks hosts talk about Duterte’s “vigilante injustice”

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Jinggoy Estrada: ABSCBN News; The Enriles: Inquirer.net; Cartoon Stock.com]

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DIGONG & PULONG (PART 2)

12 09 2017

Untitled
THE DAY AFTER. In Malacañang…

Digong: Kumusta ang hearing?

Pulong: Sisiw si Trillanes, Pa! Pinagmukha kong tanga habang nangungulit tungkol sa tattoo!

Digong: Walang napiga?

Pulong: Wala!

Digong: Walang bagong witness?

Pulong: Wala!

Digong: Walang ebidensya?

Pulong: Walang-wala!

Digong: In short, wala akong anak na sangkot sa smuggling, tama?

Pulong: Pa, tattoo ang topic. ‘Wag mong ibahin ang usapan.

* * * * *

Digong: Kilala mo si Kat De Castro?

Pulong: Siya ba ‘yung mataba?

Digong: Grabe ka naman. Mataba agad? Fat-shaming ‘yan. Pwede namang DOT ang gamiting reference.

Pulong: Sige Pa, ulitin mo ang tanong.

Digong: Kilala mo si Kat De Castro?

Pulong: Siya ba ‘yung mataba sa DOT?

Digong:

Pulong: Ituloy mo na Pa; magtatagal tayo.

Digong: Sa Facebook kasi, grabe ang suporta sa ‘yo. Kapag siya raw ang sinabihang magpakita ng tattoo, ang isasagot daw niya, “NO FREAKIN WAY.”

Pulong: Bakit, Pa? Sino bang interesado sa tattoo niya?

Digong: Exactly.

* * * * *

Digong: O, balita ko gustong makita ni Trillanes ang tattoo mo.

Pulong: Oo, Pa. Pero ‘di ako pumayag kaya inis na inis ang gago.

Digong: Good! Tama ang ginawa mo.

Pulong: Siyempre, nakinig ako sa payo mo.

Digong: Sandali. Matindi ang mga ibinibintang sa ‘yo: May dragon tattoo ka at sangkot ka raw sa smuggling ng druga. Totoo ba?

Pulong: Dragon tattoo at smuggling ng droga?!? Tang ina! Mamatay man ako, wala akong dragon tattoo, Pa!

* * * * *

Digong: Kumusta ang hearing?

Pulong: Ok naman, Pa. Pinahiya ko ‘yung Trillanes.

Digong: Paano?

Pulong: Inamin kong may tattoo ako sa likod pero nang sabihan akong ipakita ang tattoo, tumayo ako. ‘Tapos, umikot ako nang dalawang beses sa buong session hall habang tinitingnan ang bawat senador. Walang nagsasalita. Tapos, lumapit ako. Pumuwesto ako sa likuran niya. Nakaupo siya, nakatayo ako. Then, inilapit ko ang bibig ko sa tainga niya at sinigawan ko: “NO WAY! Ke lalaking tao mo, gusto mong makita ang likod ng kapwa mo lalaki? Putang ina, bakla ka ba?! BAKLA KA BA? Kadiri ka!”

Digong: Tama ‘yang ginawa mo! Sumagot ba?

Pulong: Sumigaw din siya! “Putang ina, matagal nang tsismis ‘yan ah! ‘Di pa ba kayo nagsasawa?!?”

Digong: Huh?

Pulong: Mali pala ang sinigawan kong senador, Pa. Si Migz Zubiri pala. ‘Tang ina.

* * * * *

Digong: Kumusta ang hearing?

Pulong: Dapat nanood ka, Pa. Nagmukhang tae ‘yung Trillanes.

Digong: Paano?

Pulong: Nang tanungin niya ako kung may tattoo ako sa likuran, sabi ko, “Oo.” Ang sumunod na tanong, kung dragon daw ba, sabi ko, “I invoke my right to privacy.” Tapos nang utusan akong ipakita sa publiko ang likod ko, tumayo ako; lumapit ako sa kanya. ‘Tapos habang kaharap ko siya, sumigaw ako: “No way! Bakla ka ba? Putang ina, naturingan kang sundalo pero babakla-bakla ka?! Kadiri ka! Gago.”

Digong: Ang husay mo

Pulong: Siyempre Pa, mana sa ‘yo.

Digong: Ang husay mong gumawa ng kwento. Tang ina mo! Napanood ko ang hearing, walang ganyang nangyari. Ulol!

Untitled
Digong: O, ano ‘yung picture mong kasama ang smuggler na si Charlie Tan?

Pulong: Wala ‘yun Pa, kaibigan lang.

Digong: May picture kayo sa eroplano eh.

Pulong: Wala ‘yun Pa, kainuman lang.

Digong: Eh ‘yung picture n’yo sa China, sa restaurant, at sa hotel?

Pulong: Sandali lang, Pa. ‘Di ba may picture din kayong dalawa sa Malacañang? Tapos, hawak pa nga niya ang portrait mo. Ano mo ba si Charlie Tan? Sagot!

Digong: I invoke my right to privacy.

Pulong: Ama nga kita.

* * * * *

Digong: Ano ‘yung sinabi ni Trillanes na may 104 million pesos kang pera sa bangko? Ang liit-liit ng sweldo mo tapos may ganyan kang kalaking pera?!?

Pulong: Pati ba naman ikaw Pa, naniniwala sa kasinungalingan ng Trillanes na ’yan?

Digong: Para mawala ang duda ko, mag-sign ka ng waiver para i-open ang iyong bank accounts.

Pulong: Eh kung ikaw kaya muna Pa ang mag-sign ng waiver para i-open ang iyong bank accounts?

Digong: Tama ka eh! Sinungaling ang Trillanes na ‘yan! Hindi dapat paniwalaan!

* * * * *

Digong: Igaganti kita anak.

Pulong: Paano, Pa?

Digong: May hawak akong documents. May bank accounts daw abroad si Trillanes.

Pulong: Ang galing mo, Pa! Saan mo kinuha?

Digong: Sa social media.

Pulong:

Digong: Choosy ka pa? ‘Tang inang ito. Buti nga meron. Sige, ikaw ang maghanap!

* * * * *

Digong: O, tapos na ang hearing. Safe ka na.

Pulong: Pero Pa, may lalabas pang report ang Senado eh. Malay mo, mabanggit ang Davao Group doon.

Digong: Bakit? Kaninong committee ba ang gagawa ng report?

Pulong: Kay Gordon.

Digong: Spell Gordon.

Pulong: K-A-D-D-S… Gordon!

Digong: See?? Safe!
—————————————————————————————————————————-
“The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool all of the people all of the time.”
~Franklin Pierce Adams

Sound Bites
“Secretary Aguirre undermines our justice system and his continued stay in office is a vulgar insult to the Filipino people and our efforts for a more just society.”
~Sen. Risa Hontiveros

#AguirreResign

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Trillanes/Pulong: ABSCBN News]





DIGONG & PULONG (PART 1)

6 09 2017

President-elect-Rodrigo-Duterte-Karlos-Manlupig-Inq-Min-May-28-2016-620x413
ISANG ARAW sa Malacañang…

Digong: Sa ayaw at sa gusto mo a-attend ka ng hearing!

Pulong: Sinabi ko na sa ‘yo Pa, ayaw kong umattend! Mahirap bang intindihin ‘yon?

Digong: Fine! Paiimbestigahan na lang kita.

Pulong: Anong oras ba?!

* * * * *

Digong: Noon ko pa sinabi sa ‘yo, itigil mo na ‘yang kagaguhan mo dahil ‘pag nabisto ‘yan, patay ka! Hindi ka nakinig! ‘Yan ang nangyari!

Pulong: Huwag kang ipokrito Pa, wala kang sinabing ganyan! Ni minsan!

Digong: Wala ba?

Pulong: Wala! Eh ‘di kung meron… sana tumino na ako.

Digong: Ulol! Kilala kita.

* * * * *

Digong: ‘Yan ang napapala ng katigasan ng iyong ulo! Wala ka nang ginawa kundi igiiit ang gusto mo! Akala mo kasi lagi kang tama! Akala mo, lagi kang nasa katwiran! Akala mo diyos ka!

Pulong: Tapos ka na Pa? Ako naman. Alam mo ‘yung idiom na, The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree?

Digong: Gago! Umattend ka ng hearing!!!

Pulong: Sige, huwag na lang apple, Pa; durian na lang.

* * * * *

Digong: Nand’yan na ‘yan! ‘Di na pwedeng takbuhan. A-attend ka ng hearing!

Pulong: ‘Pa naman, ayaw kong umattend. Patay ako dun.

Digong: SABI KO: A-ATTEND KA NG HEARING!!!

Pulong: Anak mo ‘ko! Konting suporta naman!

Digong: Kaya nga kita pinapa-attend. Nag-iisa lang ako. ‘Pag sa Senado ka pumunta, maraming susuporta sa ‘yo dun.

Pulong:

Digong: At least 15.

Pulong: In fairness, nag-research.

Untitled
Pulong: Pa, kinakabahan ako. Baka madulas ako sa hearing. Ano bang sasabihin ko?

Digong: Wala kang sasabihin. Wala kang aaminin. Walang kang papangalanan.

Pulong: Ba’t pa ako umattend? Anong gagawin ko doon?

Digong: IIYAK KA!

Pulong: ‘Tang ina naman. Ayaw ko nang umattend!

Digong: Pwes, pinagbabawalan muna kitang makipagkita sa mga friends mo sa Davao Group!

Pulong: Sus! Ang dali-daling umiyak eh. EH di IIYAK!

* * * * *

Pulong: Pa, hindi ako nakatulog kagabi. Kinakabahan ako sa hearing. Ano bang sasabihin ko?

Digong: Sinong may sabing may “sasabihin” ka? MANANAHIMIK KA!

Pulong: Pupunta ako doon para manahimik?!? Eh bakit pa ako a-attend?

Digong: IIYAK KA!

Pulong: Pa naman. Kasiraan ‘yan sa image ko. Ayaw kong umiyak. Magmumukha akong tanga.

Digong: You decide… magmukhang tanga o magmukhang smuggler?

Pulong: Hmmm…

Digong: Gago! Nag-isip ka pa. Eh kahit naman umiyak ka, smuggler pa rin ang tingin nila sa ‘yo.

Pulong: May point.

* * * * *

Pulong: Pa, tanong lang. Prangkahan na tayo. Bakit tahimik ka sa 6.4 billion pesos na shabu shipment? ‘Di ba galit na galit ka sa droga? Ibig sabihin ba naniniwala kang sangkot kami sa smuggling?

Digong: Oo naman.

Pulong:

Digong: Joooke! ‘Wag ka na kasing magtanong. Masasaktan ka lang. Mag-rehearse ka na lang ng iyak mo.

Pulong: Yawa jud!

* * * * *

Pulong: Pa, ‘di ba sabi mo, magre-resign ka ‘pag may lumabas na evidence na sangkot kami sa smuggling?

Digong: Oo! That was my promise last week!

Pulong: Seryoso ka ba dun?

Digong: Oo nga!

Pulong: Pa, sorry, kinakabahan ako. Baka may hawak nga silang evidence.

Digong: Pisting yawa! Bakit?!? Sangkot ba talaga kayo sa smuggling?

Pulong: Oo, Pa.

Digong:

Pulong: Jooooke! ‘Wag ka na kasing magtanong Pa. Masasaktan ka lang.
———————————————————————————————————————————
“You can’t get rich in politics unless you’re a crook.”
~Harry S. Truman

Sound Bites
“Even in this era of kabastusan at pagmumura under the Duterte Administration, for as long as I am not cursing or using cuss words and I am not physically hurting anybody, then I am not crossing that line. I have never crossed that line.”
~Sen. Antonio Trillanes on the ethics case filed by Dick Gordon

Balls.

Elsewhere
Inquirer Editorial: Gordon’s unethical complaint
“What happened on Aug. 31 was that Trillanes stood up to Gordon. Having lost that particular skirmish, Gordon has now resorted to an institution-damaging remedy.”

Dick.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte: Inquirer.net; Paolo Duterte: ABS-CBN News; Digong and Polong: MARO-PCO via CNN Philippines]





LOVE AND CARE

30 08 2017

1VACC
MURDER VICTIM Kian De Los Santos’s parents met with President Duterte in Malacañang over the weekend. After the meeting, a photo op followed with the couple making the ‘fist pump’ gesture with the President and VACC’s Dante Jimenez. Apparently, they were persuaded to still support the war on drugs that killed their son. Duterte described it as, “Persida Acosta’s most remarkable accomplishment yet.”

Fair Enough
The parents of Kian De Los Santos met with President Duterte in Malacañang last Sunday. Also present at the meeting were Vitaliano Aguirre, Dante Jimenez and Persida Acosta. It was the first time a sitting President met with the murder victim’s parents and the murder suspects’ defense team.

Witness Protection
DOJ Sec. Vitaliano Aguirre says the parents of Kian De Los Santos are now under the government’s witness protection program (WPP). This marks the first time in WPP history that witnesses were given state protection against the state.

Ano kaya ang gustong sabihin ni Vitaliano Aguirre?

0AguirreKian
A: “ Sige! ’Pag ‘di kayo nag-fist pump, paiimbestigahan ko kayo kay Bato! Fist pump na ‘tapos tingin lang sa camera! Walang gagalaw!”

B: “Pagkatapos nito, diretso kayo kay Mocha. May interview kayo. Requirement ‘yan sa lahat ng nasa Witness Protection Program. Umayos kayo sa pagsagot huh.”

C: “Alam n’yo ba ang totoo? Tinira-tira ko sa media ang anak n’yo pati na rin kayo. Sa totoo lang, napilitan lang akong gawin ito dahil si Presidente ang nag-utos. Pero kung ako lang ang masusunod, tae kayo sa akin. O, fist pump na tayo! Go!”

Staying
Vitaliano Aguirre says he will not step down as justice secretary despite resignation calls from various thinking sectors of the society. Aguirre says he will stay in office for as long as incompetence is a government policy.

New Assignment
President Duterte has assigned controversial Chief Insp. Jovie Espenido as police chief of Iloilo City. Espenido, who reportedly asked for this new assignment, vowed to eliminate drug addicts, drug pushers, and the PNP’s worst enemy, CCTVs.

1VACC
“God’s Will”
When asked if suspected criminals in Iloilo City would be killed, controversial Chief Insp. Jovie Espenido replied, “It’s up to God” – eliciting protest from Satan who insisted, “Give credit where credit is due. Please lang.”

Message
In his National Heroes Day speech, President Duterte urged Filipinos to honor our heroes by upholding the rule of law. Actually, his complete and exact words were, “As we continue to fight against lawlessness, let us uphold the rule of law. Charot!”

Land of the Loving
According to a recent survey conducted by Publicus Asia, a PR firm founded and headed by vocal Duterte supporter Malou Tiquia, President Duterte was the “most loving” and the “most caring” government official —  while Malou Tiquia is the most likely new appointee to a government post.

Publicus Asia CEO and founder Malou Tiquia says President Duterte is the “most loving” and “most caring” top government official. To which, Duterte said, “What do you want?”

Ill-gotten
Quoting an emissary, President Duterte on Tuesday said the Marcoses were willing “to return” SOME of their wealth to the Philippine government. Anytime now though, palace spokespersons are expected to clarify that President Duterte has been misquoted, and that the correct statement should have been, “Marcoses willing to return to government to amass more wealth.”

the-household-effects-listed-by-the-marcos-family-(1)_2016_03_13_10_30_47
THIS JUST IN: Intelligence agents intercepted these conversations between members of the Marcos family.

Bongbong: O, ibabalik na natin ang ill-gotten wealth sa gobyerno. Pero konti lang.

Imee: Huh? May ninakaw ba ang pamilya natin sa gobyerno?

Bongbong:

Imee: Nagtatanong lang! Ang liit-liit ko pa no’n ‘di ba?

* * * * *

Bongbong: Nagpasabi na ako kay Presidente. Ibabalik natin sa gobyerno ang bahagi ng ating kayamanan.

Imee: Ibabalik?!?!? So aaminin nating nagnakaw ang ating pamilya?!?

Bongbong: Bakit? Sa tingin mo ba may naniniwala pang ‘di tayo nagnakaw?

Imee: Hoy! Marami pa ring tanga sa Pilipinas.

Bongbong: So gusto mo, ‘wag na lang nating aminin?

Imee: Gusto ko, ‘wag na lang nating ibalik!

Bongbong:

Imee: Fine! Pero ‘wag nating sabihing “ibabalik.” Dapat “idu-donate!”

* * * * *

Bongbong: Ma, sinabi ko na ho kay Presidente, ibabalik natin ang portion ng ating kayamanan sa gobyerno. Pumayag naman. Two installments.

Imelda: Anong kapalit?

Bongbong: Sa first installment, ‘yung paglilibing kay Papa sa Libingan ng mga Bayani.

Imelda: Eh ‘yung second installment?

Bongbong: ‘Wag mo munang intindihin ‘yun, malakas ka pa naman.

Imelda: Puta ka!

* * * * *

Bongbong: Anak, dapat mong malaman… ibabalik natin sa government ang bahagi ng wealth ng family?

Sandro: What?!? IBABALIK?!? Did I hear it right?

Bongbong: Yes, why?

Sandro: My goodness, Dad! You should have not used the term IBABALIK! Ang bobo lang.

Bongbong: Dahan-dahan ka sa pananalita mo. Tatay mo ‘ko.

Sandro: Mali ka kasi eh! Hindi dapat ‘ibabalik!’ Dapat ‘ISOSOLI’ kasi mas familiar ang millennials sa word na ‘yun.

Bongbong: Ako pa talaga ang bobo. ‘Tang inang buhay ‘to.
______________________________________________________________________________________
“The secret lies of manipulative folks, however hidden and cunningly twisted shall eventually come out. Never trust manipulative politically motivated, sly liars while they pretend to be ‘true friends’ with noble and just cause.
~Angelica Hopes

Sound Bites
“You asked for the assignment sa Leyte, namatay ang mayor doon. You asked for another assignment sa Ozamiz, namatay ang mayor doon, si Parojinog. Ngayon, gusto mo sa Iloilo, kasi si Mabilog has been identified as a protector. Mabuhay kaya siya?”
~President Duterte to Chief Insp. Jovie Espenido

“It’s a damage-control measure pero too bad for them, na-late sila; kasi ang initial instinct ni Duterte ay magtago. It took them more than a week bago nila naisip na ganito ‘yung magandang gimik. Pero gimik lang ‘yan.”
~Sen. Antonio Trillanes on Duterte’s meeting with Kian’s parents

Indeed.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Kian’s Parents/Inquirer.Net;  Aguirre: DOJ; Espenido: Manila Bulletin]





THE BAR

21 08 2017

1Symbol

An old man, a drug dependent, and a murderer walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Good evening Mr. President.”

* * * * *

Martin Andanar walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Secretary, can I get you anything?” Andanar ponders, “What’s the best can you offer me?” The bartender replies, “A good editor.”

* * * * *

A group of majority bloc senators walk into a bar. The majority leader tells the bartender, “I believe we already have a reservation.” The bartender replies, “Of course! In fact, the President has been waiting for you.”

* * * * *

A Caloocan City cop was sitting at a bar. The bartender came over and asked, “What’s your order sir?”

The cop answered, “I’m ordering you to disable all the CCTVs.”

* * *

A palace spokesman was also sitting at the bar. The bartender approached him and asked, “Did you hear it Mr. Secretary? That cop wanted me to disable the CCTVs!”

The palace spokesman replied, “It’s just a hyperbole. Don’t take him seriously.”

* * *

Dick Gordon, Tito Sotto, and Koko Pimentel were also there. They refused to believe the bartender’s claim and dismissed it as hearsay.

* * * * *

The bartender noticed Alan Peter Cayetano and his sister, Pia seated nearby and asked for their opinion. The siblings said, “We didn’t hear anything. No comment.”

* * *

Later that night, a 17-year-old walks into a bar. He comes out in a stretcher. Nobody saw what happened. The CCTVs were disabled.

1Symbol
Mocha Uson, Bruce Rivera, and two gnomes walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “Where’d you get those trolls?”

Mocha Uson and Bruce Rivera answer, “These are not trolls! These are gnomes, idiot!”

The bartender replies, “I was talking to the gnomes!”

* * * * *

A sad-looking Mocha Uson walks into a bar. While checking the menu, she tells the bartender, “I wanna have fun. I want to be genuinely happy. I want to feel great. What should I have? Any suggestions?”

The bartender replies, “Ahm, brain?”

* * * * *

Joseph Estrada walks into a bar. Loi Ejercito appears and says, “It’s only 3 AM! Go back to our room!”

* * * * *

A group of congressmen walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve politicians here.” The congressmen chorused, “It’s fine. We don’t serve you either.”

* * * * *

A preacher, a billionaire, and a homophobe walked into a bar. Everyone was like, “Pacman, pa-autograph naman!”
——————————————————————————————————————————–
“You have to quit confusing madness with a mission.”
~Flannery O’Connor

Sound Bites
1DuterteQuotes

It’s on you butcher, it’s on you.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Seal: Lei Reyes Marin Jr.; Credits to the owner of the Duterte quotes compilation. Somebody tweeted that to me sans attribution tho.]






IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES

7 08 2017

PRESIDENT DUTERTE is being lauded for signing into law a measure granting full government subsidy to tuition in state universities and colleges. Co-authors of the Free Tertiary Education Act like JV Ejercito and principal sponsor Bam Aquino were also praised for relentlessly pushing for the bill’s approval. On Twitter though, government-paid propagandist Mocha Uson – who was in her usual pathetic element – had this to say:

1MochangTongk

Lawmakers have successfully passed key pieces of legislation recently. We appeal to them to please legislate idiocy.

Fool
For “playing with dangerous toys,” North Korean President Kim Jong Un has been called names by President Duterte. Duterte described Kim as a “son of a bitch,” “tarantado” and “buang.” After hearing those insults, Kim Jong Un described Duterte as “suicidal.”

“Unexplained”
The estranged wife of Comelec Chairman Andres Bautista revealed her husband might have amassed close to a billion pesos in unexplained or ill-gotten wealth including several bank deposits, which were not mentioned in his SALN. Patricia Paz Bautista also bared she visited Malacañang recently and told President Duterte about it. She was probably looking for someone who would understand the issue of ‘bank deposits’ and ‘incomplete SALN.’ She came to the right place.

1AndyWfe
Comelec Chairman Andres Bautista accused his estranged wife, Patricia Paz Bautista of extortion. In a press conference held Sunday, Mrs. Bautista said she allegedly discovered several passbooks as well as bank and real property documents belonging to Chairman Bautista. But the embattled Comelec chief said Patricia was asking for a 620-million-peso settlement from him which, he said was way too much. He can only afford 619 million pesos.

As former chair of the PCGG, Andy Bautista was tasked with going after the ill-gotten wealth of the Marcos family. Now, Malacañang is seriously considering Patricia Paz Bautista for the post.

Irreconcilable
House Speaker Pantaleon Alvarez has formally filed his pet bill seeking to legalize the dissolution of marriages. The bill is being supported by the so-called Makabayan bloc, two opposition lawmakers, and the House Speaker’s new girlfriend.

1MochangTongk
As promised, House Speaker Pantaleon Alvarez filed a bill seeking to legalize the dissolution of marriages. Minutes after formally filing the bill, Alvarez received a ‘Thank You’ note from Comelec Chairman Andy Bautista.

House Speaker Pantaleon Alvarez has formally filed House Bill No. 6027, titled “An Act Providing for Grounds for the Dissolution of a Marriage.” The possible grounds include irreconcilable differences or severe or chronic unhappiness. You might want to read the bill, Sharon Cuneta.

Too Late
Last week, the Office of the Ombudsman filed charges against a congressman from Mountain Province for violation of the Anti-Graft and Corrupt Practices Act. But the lawmaker, Maximo Dalog is already dead. He passed away last June. Apparently, the Office of the Ombudsman finds it fitting to file a late case against the late congressman.

Graduates
Fifty-three former drug addicts recently ‘graduated’ from the mega-drug rehab center in Nueva Ecija. However, the ‘graduates’ decided to boycott the graduation ceremonies when they learned the commencement speakers were Supt. Marvin Marcos and Ozamiz City Police Chief Jovie Espenido.

Poor Vision
According to the latest study of the Department of Health, over two million Filipinos nationwide are blind. Some people are questioning the results of the study saying the number is “close to 16 million.”
________________________________________________________________________________
“A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.”
~Michel de Montaigne

1MochangTongk
Sound Bites
“That chubby face that looks kind. That son of a bitch. If he commits a mistake, the Far East will become an arid land. It must be stopped, this nuclear war.”
~President Duterte on Kim Jong Un

Pot. Kettle. Black.

Elsewhere
WHAT IN THE WORLD: A big data analysis by three communications professors shows that the production of fake news articles has been rapidly growing

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Andy Bautista: CNN Philippines; Patricia Bautista: Lyn Rillon/Inquirer.Net; Cartoon: SMSHunt.com]





ABANDONED

2 08 2017

0BruceRivera
DUTERTE FANATIC Bruce Rivera threatened to file criminal charges against Rappler, its CEO Maria Ressa and reporter Pia Ranada for allegedly calling him and his fellow Ka-DDS “trolls.” Rivera also took offense at Prof. Winnie Monsod who called him and Mocha Uson “trolls” during a TV guesting. In a related development, trolls from Scandinavian folklore and Norse mythology are filing a case against Rappler and Winnie Monsod for comparing them to Bruce Rivera and Mocha Uson.

The Parojinogs
Drug suspect and Ozamiz City Mayor Reynaldo Parojinog, his wife Susan, and 13 others were killed in a pre-dawn raid on the family’s compound last Sunday. Photos of their lifeless, bullet-ridden bodies are now circulating online. Neighbors described that fateful Sunday as “one of the bloodiest” while President Duterte described it as “one of my favorites.”

01Parojinog
The mayor’s daughter, Vice Mayor Nova Princess Parojinog and her brother, Reynaldo Jr. were arrested and detained at Camp Crame. They will stay there until the day “na sila ay manlaban.” Abangan!

VACC
Detained Ozamiz City Vice Mayor Nova Princess Parojinog is asking the VACC to help investigate the death of her parents and 13 others in a raid last Sunday. Vowing swift action, the VACC has started to gather information on the whereabouts of Sen. Leila De Lima when the raid was conducted.

Reckless
In a recent speech in New York City, US President Donald Trump told cops to be rough and not to be “too nice” to suspected criminals. Police chiefs from around the world condemned Trump’s statement calling it “reckless,” “irresponsible,” and Duterte-inspired.

Unprofessional
Responding to Trump’s “irresponsible” and “unprofessional” statement, the New York Police Department said, “Our training and policies only allow for measures that are reasonable and necessary under any circumstances.” To which, Supt. Marvin Marcos said, “Pwede pala ‘yun?”

0BruceRivera
Abandoned
Emilita Apostol-Alvarez, wife of House Speaker Pantaleon Alvarez revealed he abandoned her for another woman last year. When your husband’s role model is a guy named Rodrigo Duterte, what do you expect?

Abandoned II
House Speaker Pantaleon Alvarez abandoned his wife, Emilita last year. He now lives with another woman. But Emelita says she won’t give up on her marriage to philandering Pantaleon because she’s the legal wife. And Elizabeth Zimmerman was like, “‘Yan din ang sabi ko noon.”

Shabu Shipment
Customs Commissioner Nicanor Faeldon is under fire for his agency’s failure to stop the entry of a shipment of 605 kilos of high-grade “shabu” estimated to be worth 6.4-billion pesos last May. During a Lower House hearing, congressmen ganged up on him and called for his immediate resignation. But on Tuesday in Malacañang, Presidente Duterte told Faeldon he would not be fired.. He also told House Speaker Pantaleon Alvarez to try harder next time.

The Priest
Monsignor Arnel Lagarejos, a 55-year-old priest, was arrested while taking a 13-year-old girl to a motel in Marikina City. Grabe. THIRTEEN YEARS OLD? That’s a minor offense.

0BruceRivera
Apology
In Episode 3 of ‘Game of Thrones,’ Daenerys Targaryen apologized for the atrocities committed by her father Aerys II, the Mad King. The atrocities happened long before Dany was born. That’s the reason why the apology came as a shock and disappointment to Imee Marcos.
——————————————————————————————————————————
“Surrender is no guarantee that an armed police officer will not shoot you.
~Steven Magee

Sound Bites
“As an addict user of the opioid Fentanyl, Duterte is the No. 1 drug addict in the Philippines and is the most fitting target of the police units that he has turned into death squads and corrupted with money and promotions.”
~CPP Founding Chair Jose Ma. Sison

“If he is a true revolutionary leader, he should come home and join his people. The NPA members should realize that while they fight in the field, their leader lives a comfortable life abroad.”
~President Duterte on Jose Ma. Sison

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Bruce Rivera: Wenwen Zaspa/Cebu Daily News; Parojinog Mugshots: ABSCBN News; Emilita Alvarez:ABSCBN News]





SIGNAL NO. 4 (WALANG PASOK!)

29 07 2017

000Typhoon
HERE’S our annual (updated) list of typhoons. Prepare for the worst. Stay alert.

Typhoon Duterte
Malaking pinsala ang dulot nito lalo na sa mga lugar kung saan maraming nakatirang mahihirap. Marami-rami na rin ang iniwang patay ng pananalasa ng bagyong ito.

Typhoon Erap
Dahil sa kabi-kabilang publicity at report tungkol sa bagyong ito, pinaghandaang mabuti ng mga tao si typhoon Erap. Mabagal na ang galaw niya pero grabe pa rin ang pananalanta. Hindi ma-predict kung kailan ito tuluyang i-exit.

Typhoon Cayetano
Noong tropical depression pa lamang, may kaingayan ang sama ng panahong ito. Nang maging ganap na bagyo na, saka naman nanahimik: walang kulog at walang kidlat. Hindi masyadong nararamdaman. Maging ang kapatid nitong bagyo, tahimik na rin.

Typhoon Marcos
Mahabang panahong nanalanta sa Pilipinas ang bagyong ito at nag-iwan ng matinding pinsala sa iba’t ibang panig ng bansa. Recently, may pagtatangka ang ilang bayarang meteorologists na i-downplay ang damage na naidulot ng bagyong ito upang lokohin ang publiko lalo na ang mga kabataang hindi pa ipinapanganak nang tumama sa Pilipinas ang nasabing kalamidad.

Typhoon Robredo
Hindi kalakasan ang bagyong ito ngunit dahil sa mali-maling impormasyong kumakalat, marami ang natatakot sa kanya.

Typhoon Teo
May mga nagki-claim na dahil sa bagyong ito, lumago raw ang ani ng mga magsasaka. Misleading pala ang data.

Typhoon Mocha
Ang pekeng bagyo. Maraming naloloko dahil sa napakadilim na kaulapan na sinasabayan ng matatalim na kidlat at malakas na kulog. Akala ng mga tao, bubuhos ang napakalakas na ulan. They were wrong. Ambon lang pala. Kahit kailan, mapanlinlang ang weather disturbance na ito.

Typhoon Andanar
Hindi na masyadong visible sa radar ng PAGASA ang bagyong ito. ‘Buti naman.

Typhoon Pacquiao
Tuluyan nang humina ang bagyong ito. Ngunit may babala ang mga eksperto: baka raw bumalik sa 2022 ang bagyong Pacquiao at magdala ng mas malaking panganib sa buong bansa.

Typhoon Joma
Matagal nang wala sa Philippine Area of Responsibility ang bagyong ito. Hindi na masyadong pinapansin at ‘di na kinatatakutan ng mga tao.

Typhoon Bato
Ang bagyong tamad. Puro kulog, kidlat at sipol pero wala namang ulan. Buti sana kung may ulan, at least mapakikinabangan sa mga sakahan.

Typhoon Joy Belmonte
Napakabagal kumilos ng bagyong ito. Urong-sulong din. Hindi mo alam kung tutuloy o hindi.

Typhoon Vitaliano
Hindi pala siya totoong bagyo. Mali ang balita. Fake!

Typhoon Tulfo
Ang bagyong napakahangin. Laging may pagbabanta. Mag-ingat!
—————————————————————————————————————————–
“Arrogance combined with stubbornness is a ticking bomb.”
~Unarine Ramaru

000Anderson
In other news…
Lawyer Mandy Mercado Anderson, the chief of staff of Customs chief Nicanor Faeldon, called House Speaker Pantaleon Alvarez “imbecile” on Facebook. It was unfair, uncalled for, and offensive. Anderson must apologize to the imbeciles of this world for comparing them with Alvarez.

Sound Bites
“Tinawagan ako sa cellphone ng head executive assistant niya na ‘yung marching orders ni Speaker was to bring hell to me and the commissioner.”
~Atty. Mandy Anderson re: House Speaker when Customs Chief Faeldon rejected the Speaker’s recommendation to promote a certain Sandy Sacluti

“The Ombudsman can never be silenced. They can attempt to repress the messenger but it will never suppress the message.”
~Ombudsman Conchita Carpio Morales on Duterte’s SONA remark against her office

Briefly Noted
In 2013, Bureau of Customs officials Teotimo Sacluti and Vivian Sacluti were found guilty of misdeclaring wealth in their SALNs. Are they related to Sandy Sacluti whose backer is no less than the House Speaker?

Hmmm.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Flood: Associated Press; Mandy Anderson/Alvarez: Rappler]





DIGONG SHOW

25 07 2017

724RapplerPutangIna
LAST MONDAY, July 24, President Duterte delivered his second and last State of the Nutcase Nation Address.

President Duterte was in his usual element – cursing and joking from the start ’til the end of his profanity-laden speech. He didn’t talk that much about the state of the nation but his words exposed so much about the state of his mental health.

Lawmakers, Cabinet men, and supporters laughed at his jokes. While talking about his brutal war on drugs, he said, “I value human life the way I value mine.” That was his funniest joke – ever.

Virulent
Reiterating his pro-death penalty stance, President Duterte insisted that a criminal couldn’t be reformed because “the son of a bitch is a human being with a virulent brain.” He just proved it.

Despite local and international pressure, Duterte said he would continue the bloody and violent anti-drug war. Or as Supt. Marvin Marcos would call it, “job opportunity.”

Communists
According to President Duterte, CPP-NPA founding chairman Jose Maria Sison is sick with colon cancer. Duterte won’t confirm rumors though they have the same oncologist.

Overall, militant groups gave Duterte’s SONA a failing grade. To be specific, they gave him a Stage 4 out of 10.

Duterte vs. the Media
As expected, Duterte attacked the media in his speech. In particular, he called on social news network, Rappler (for being foreign-owned, allegedly) and broadcast giant, ABS-CBN for alleged unfair reporting. Surprisingly, there was no specific mention of the Philippine Daily Inquirer, his soon-to-be-favorite broadsheet.

724Inquirer
A day after Duterte’s SONA, the Philippine Daily Inquirer came out with a banner story titled, “DUTERTE BULLIES ‘ENEMIES’ IN SONA. To which, Duterte reacted, “Enjoy it while it lasts.”

Failon
The President commended Ted Failon for doing an episode on mining in his weekend program. Failon was the only broadcaster lauded by Duterte in his SONA – prompting the Tulfo brothers to ask, “What else should we do?”

Moral
Duterte also lambasted human rights advocates for supporting detained Senator Leila De Lima saying, “Can she be a moral person?” Duterte was supposed to expound on the issue of morality but realized Pantaleon Alvarez was just behind him and he might take offense.

724Nancyjpg
Tired
Sen. Nancy Binay fell asleep while President Duterte was delivering his speech. And for the first time since Nancy attended the annual event, netizens could relate to her.

While President Duterte was delivering his second State of the Nation Address, TV cameras caught Sen. Nancy Binay sleeping. To be fair to Nancy, Congress OJTs are allowed one hour of rest per day.

Patriot?
President Duterte reiterated his appeal to the United States to return the three Balangiga bells seized by American soldiers from a church in Eastern Samar almost a century ago saying “they are part of our national heritage.” We salute the President for his patriotism. Will he be as passionate if we start calling it Balangiga Shoal, Balangiga Reef, or Balangiga Sea?

No?

Fine.

Lûlû
For the first time in history, a president used the Visayan term for masturbation in his SONA. Apparently, Duterte couldn’t help it because he was speaking in front of so many dicks.

Erap
Controversial Manila Mayor Joseph “Manila Bay” Estrada attended the event at the Batasang Pambansa. Some people thought he was there to conduct a clean-up drive considering the staggering amount of garbage present at the venue.

In Other News…
DOT’s Wanda Tulfo-Teo reported that tourism revenue rose to P220.30 billion during the first year of the Duterte administration. Congratulations, and thank you to the brilliant and hardworking Tourism secretary, Ramon Jimenez!
_______________________________________________________________________________________
“This and no other is the root from which a tyrant springs; when he first appears he is a protector.”
~Plato

Sound Bites
“Rambling, shouting, warning, and bullying his ‘enemies.’ He knows what issues click, what emojis to use. To be populist than being right.”
~Akbayan Party-list Rep. Tomasito Villarin on Duterte’s Second Sona

Lûlû.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte: Rappler; Inquirer.net]





ICYMI: DUTERTE’S SONA II SPEECH

21 07 2017

01Dutz
State of the Nation Address
of
Rodrigo R. Duterte
President of the Philippines

[Delivered at the Session Hall of the House of Representatives,
Batasang Pambansa Complex, Quezon City on July 24, 2017]

SPEAKER PANTALEON Alvarez, Senate President Aquilino ‘Koko’ Pimentel III, Vice President Leni Robredo, Chief Justice Maria Lourdes Sereno, former presidents Fidel V. Ramos, Joseph Ejercito Estrada, Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo and Benigno, wala yata si gago. ‘T*ng i*a, kung ayaw mong umattend, eh ‘di wag. Sinong nawalan? Yawa! (Canned Laughter)

Members of the House of Representatives and the Senate; distinguished members of the diplomatic corps (Pause) May taga-EU ba dito? (Silence) Wala?!? O takot lang kayo? (Canned Laughter) Fellow workers in government, mga minamahal kong kababayan…

Change is here. (5-minute applause, Standing ovation)

.

.

,

.

,
Magsu-SUNA pa ba ako o papalakpak na lang kayo maghapon? (Canned Laughter/Applause) Let me continue.

Sandali, sino bang operator ng teleprompter? Alisin mo muna ‘yan. ‘Di pa ako magbasa. Malito lang ako.

Alam n’yo, usually, bumabangon ako, mga alas-diyes, alas-onse, ganyan. Kanina, masama ang pakiramdam ko. Matulog pa sana ako hanggang ala-una kaya lang itong si Honeylet at si Kitty, ang ingay sa sala. Nagtaka ako, “Bakit sumisigaw ‘tong mag-ina?” Si Honeylet, narinig ko pa, “Patayin mo na ang pisting ‘yan! Patayin mo na!” ‘Tapos si Kitty naman, ang sabi, “Motherfucker ka!” Napabangon tuloy ako. Paglabas ko… nanood lang pala sila ng ‘Game of Thrones.’ ‘Tang ina akala ko kung sino nang patayin.

Kayo, nanood ba kayo ng Episode 2? (All: YES!)

Maganda ba? (All: YES!)

‘Tong si Kitty, crush daw ‘yung pilay na bata, Brandon yata ang pangalan. Si Honeylet naman, napugian kay Johnny Snow. (All: JON Snow!)

Eh ‘di JON Snow! Tang ina n’yong lahat, malay ko ba. Di naman ako fan niyang G-O-T na ‘yan. (Canned Laughter) Basta ako, pwede na sa akin ‘yung Sansa. Mukhang palaban. Hehehe (Silence)

O, baka sabihin na naman ni Risa Hontiveros, rape joke na naman. Ulol! Ikaw lang ang ‘di nakakaintindi ng jokes ko. ‘Yung 16 million, na-gets nila! So ikaw ang may problema! ‘Yung teleprompter, pakibalik!

Hindi na ako magpapaliguy-ligoy pa. Change has indeed come. (Applause)

Ang sabi ng ating mga kababayan, mabagal kumilos ang gobyerno. Totoo! Mabagal talaga. NOON ‘YUN! (Applause) Last week lang, mabilis naayos ng LTFRB ang isang mainit na transport issue. Sa katunayan, kanina, nag-Uber ako papunta rito! (Applause)

* * * * *

Nang ako ay maging pangulo, nangako akong magbibigay ng trabaho sa ating mga kababayan. Hindi naman sa pagmamayabang, tinupad ko ang pangakong ‘yan. Ngayong hapon, kasama natin dito sa Batasan ang tatlo sa pinakamasisipag kong appointees. Hindi lang sila sa office nagtatrabaho kundi pati sa mga rally laban kay Robredo. Palakpakan po natin sina Mocha Uson, Kat De Castro at Arnell Ignacio. (Applause)

Napag-uusapan na rin lang ang trabaho, ako ang tipo ng taong nagbibigay ng second chance sa mga nasisibak o nasususpindeng empleyado. ‘Kita n’yo naman, sa kabila ng kasong homicide, sa kabila ng mga batikos, balik-puwesto pa rin si Supt. Marvin Marcos. (Applause)

* * * * *

Bago ako naupo sa pwesto, may mga pulis na isinasangkot sa salvaging at kung saan-saan natatagpuan ang katawan ng biktima. Ngayon, hindi na ‘yan nangyayari. Dahil ‘pag ang pulis, may pinatay, doon na mismo sa Camp Crame! (Applause)

* * * * *

Maraming nagagalit kay General Bato dahil batugan daw. ‘Wag naman ganun. To be fair, grabe ang effort ni Bato para lang mapalapit sa ordinaryong tao ang ating kapulisan. These days, marami nang Pinoy ang hindi natatakot – dahil sa history ng PNP, ngayon lang ito nagkaroon ng official mascot! (Canned Laughter) Tawa lang?! Tang ina, hindi ‘yun joke. Pumalakpak kayo! (Applause)

* * * * *

Malamang, narinig n’yo na ang magandang balita mula sa SWS. Sabi sa report, nabawasan daw ang bilang ng mga Pinoy na lubog sa kahirapan! (Applause) Kita n’yo na? Tagumpay ang war on drugs! Tuloy ang patayan! (Applause)

* * * * *

Paulit-ulit ko itong sinasabi: kung walang addict, walang krimen. Kung walang krimen, walang matatakot magnegosyo. Two weeks ago, nasa Philippine Stock Exchange ako at iisa lang ang sinasabi ng mga negosyanteng nakasalubong ko: booming ang ekonomiya natin ngayon! (Applause) Napakalakas ng trade & business sector. Sa sobrang lakas, umabot sa Bilibid! Booming na ulit ang drug trade! (Applause)

* * * * *

Malapit nang simulan ang infrastructure projects na pinondohan ng Beijing. Pero may kumukuwestyon sa napakalaking pautang na ito ng China. Warning ng Forbes, the 167-billion dollar debt could balloon to as high as 452-billion dollars in the future. Sagutin n’yo nga ako: does the future exist? (Silence)

Tinatanong ko kayo: DOES THE FUTURE EXIST?

(Duterte Allies: NO!!!!!)

See? Inaalala n’yo ang future eh hindi naman ‘yan nag-e-exist. Anong problema ng ‘tang in@ng Forbes ‘yan? (Applause)

Sabayan n’yo ako: XIE XIE, BEIJING! One… two… three…

All: Xie xie Beijing! (Applause)

* * * * *

Itong Amerika, itong EU, at itong mga gagong human rights group na ito, ayaw pa rin akong tigilan dahil ipinakulong ko si De Lima. One-sided talaga ang mga p*t@ng i*@! Naka-focus sila sa ginawa kong “pagpapakulong” – pero ‘di nila pinapansin ang ginawa nating “pagpapalaya.” Nasaan ang fairness? Hindi ba’t Solicitor General ko ang tumulong upang maabswelto si Janet Napoles?!? (Applause)

* * * * *

As I have always said, priority ko rin ang welfare ng mga OFWs. Kaya when I heard na bumagsak sa almost 11-year-low ang piso, natuwa ako. This is for our modern day heroes. Sa mga nega d’yan sa pagbaba ng piso, pakyu! (Applause)

* * * * *

Marami ang nagtatanong sa akin tungkol sa kaso ni Noynoy. Sabi ko, mahina ang isinampa ng Ombudsman. Lulusot ‘yan. Siyempre, nagagalit ang pamilya ng mga namatay na SAF. ‘Di bale, sabi ko, makakaganti rin kayo. Effective July 23, may nationwide smoking ban na. Hindi na lalabas ng bahay ‘yan. Ma-bore man siya sa Times Street. Hashtag sad and alone. (Laughter/Applause)

* * * * *

Bago matapos ang aking termino, titiyakin kong magiging pederalismo ang porma ng ating gobyerno. (Applause)

In case namang ‘di tayo magtagumpay, eh ‘di monarchy na lang; tutal, meron na tayong King and Queen… of Fake News. (Silence)

‘T*ng in@ n’yo, tumawa kayo! Joke ‘yan! (Laughter/Applause)

* * * * *

Gusto ko sanang magsalita tungkol sa mga Komunista at sa mga rebeldeng NPA but I decided na ‘wag na lang. ‘Coz whenever I hear or talk about those Communists, I see red. (Laughter)

Salamat naman at na-gets n‘yo ang joke. Palakpakan n’yo ang mga sarili n’yo! (Applause)

Mga utu-uto!

* * * * *

Tapos na ang kampanya. Tama na ang divisiveness at batuhan ng putik. Tularan n’yo ang dating anti-Marcos na si Alan Peter Cayetano. Nang maluklok sa puwesto, biglang nanahimik. (Applause)

* * * * *

Simbolo ng tapang ng mga Pinoy ang anak ng Mindanao na si Senador Manny Pacquiao. Pero, ganyan talaga ang buhay, minsan nananalo; minsan natatalo. Ang importante, matanggap mo ang nangyari at mabilis kang maka-move on. ‘Yan din ang sinabi ko kay Bongbong Marcos. Sabi ko, “Bong, mabilis man ang taon. Hintayin mo na lang ang 2022.” Eh may kutob yata ang gago na mamamatay ako bago mag-2022 kaya gusto niyang mawala na si Leni. Gago rin ‘no? Hoy dong, malakas pa ako! (Laughter/Applause)

* * * * *

You cannot deny: ramdam na ramdan na natin ang malaking pagbabago sa iba’t ibang sektor ng lipunan. Here, there and everywhere – maging sa paborito kong ‘Philippine Daily Inquirer.’ (Applause) ‘T@ng i*@, finally dumating din ang araw n’yo! ‘Yung Dunkin Donuts n’yo, may utang pang buwis. Akala n’yo, ang linis n’yo! F*ck you! ‘Pag ako, nabwisit, mag-declare ako ng Martial Law sa Inquirer office! Punumpuno na ako sa inyo!

* * * * *

Nabanggit ko na rin lang ang media… pasalamat nga pala ako sa mga radio anchors kasi nag-monitor ako last week, lahat kayo patas. Kay Kabayan Noli De Castro, kay Ted Failon, kay Ka Tunying at sa partner niyang chubby, ‘kalimutan ko ang pangalan, sorry; kina Mike at Igan Arnold Clavio; kina Manong Joe Taruc, at Deo Macalma ng DZRH, siyempre sa Tulfo brothers na walang kapantay sa balanced journalism, at sa iba pang anchors na hindi biased magkumentaryo, thank you very much. Palakpakan natin sila! (Applause) Buti na lang, wala sa radyo ‘yung gagong Ed Lingao. ‘Yun… biased ‘yun!

* * * * *

Sanga pala, batiin ko lang sina Jake Zyrus at Angelina Mead King. I salute you and I respect you for embracing change. (Applause) ‘Yan naman talaga ang isinusulong ng aking administrasyon. Kay Jinggoy din na nanonood ngayon sa PNP Custodial Center, salamat sa tapang mo.

(Silence)

Sandali, bakit biglang napasama si Jinggoy dito? Hoy Martin Andanar, ano ‘to?! Sorry Mayor Erap.

* * * * *

Sa iba pang taga-showbiz na nangungulit sa text, ihahanap ko pa kayo ng puwesto. Hindi ko na kayo maisingit sa MTRCB. I have already appointed 589 board members doon. Thirty lang ang allowed. Baka mahalata na. Hintayin n’yo lang magkaroon ng vacancy sa iba. Thank you.

* * * * *

Bago ako magtapos, gusto ko nga palang magpasalamat sa 78 percent na nagsabing satisfied sila sa performance ko bilang presidente. Nang magdeklara ako ng Martial Law sa Mindanao, tumaas ang rating ko. Paano pa kaya kung buong Pilipinas na ito? Baka mag-95 percent na tayo. (Applause)

Gusto n’yo bang mag-declare ako ng Martial Law nationwide? (Silence)

Hindi na naman kayo sumasagot! Gusto n’yo bang mag-declare ako ng Martial Law nationwide?

(Majority of attendees: Nooooooooo!)

Ulol! Akala mo naman, may magagawa sila kung magdeklara ako!

Sa mga Ka-DDS na nakikinig at nanonood ngayon, huwag kayong magsasawa sa pagsuporta sa tunay na pagbabago! Change is already here. Ipagpatuloy lang natin! Maraming salamat at mabuhay tayong lahat! (Applause/Standing Ovation)
________________________________________________________________________________
‘There is no place in a fanatic’s head where reason can enter.’
~Napoleon Bonaparte

Sound Bites
“Have we become worn-out as a people, a tame hybrid of tanga-takot-tuta (ignorant, afraid, servile)? We have ceased to complain, much less protest, where before we whined. The traffic is worse; the MRT still breaks down; prices are rising; the bureaucracy is as slow as ever. Since December 2015 we have been waiting for our car plate. The EJKs go on, and not a peep. Have we dried up?”
~Asuncion David Maramba

“We had a number of meetings where we were told to be brave, to soldier on. Never did we think we’d be sold off to a Duterte campaign donor at that. Just imagine our disbelief.”
~Unidentified Inquirer employee re: Ramon Ang’s PDI buyout

In Memoriam
Chester Bennington

1976-2017

01Chester

You tried so hard and got so far
In the end, you DID matter, Chester.
Thank you for the music.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte: APA/AFP/Ted Aljibe; Chester Bennington: Metal Injection.Net)





THIS THING CALLED P*T@NG I*N@

14 07 2017

0MarvinMarcos
PRESIDENT DUTERTE has ordered the reinstatement yet again of Supt. Marvin Marcos and 18 other cops tagged in the killing of Albuera, Leyte Mayor Rolando Espinosa Sr and another inmate last November 2016. Duterte has yet to clarify though if he ordered the reinstatement despite allegations Marcos is a ruthless killer or because of it.

Shortly after President Duterte ordered the reinstatement of Supt. Marvin Marcos, PNP Chief Ronald ‘Bato’ Dela Rosa gave the official a new assignment: as chief of the Criminal Investigation and Detection Group in Region 12 or Soccsksargen – prompting residents of the region to ask, “What have we done to deserve this?”

Saying police Supt. Marvin Marcos was just doing his job and was not physically present at the crime scene, President Duterte said the police officer should be reinstated. Return to duty, back to business. Or as that’s also called, the “Peter Lim moment.”

PNP Chief Ronald ‘Bato’ De La Rosa vowed to follow the President’s order to reinstate Supt. Marvin Marcos. Some of Duterte’s staunchest allies at the Senate are now criticizing Bato. They’re literally barking up the wrong tree.

PNP Chief Ronald ‘Bato’ De La Rosa followed the order of President Duterte to reinstate Supt. Marvin Marcos and 18 other cops tagged in the killing of two people last year. De La Rosa said, as PNP chief, he must follow the orders of Rodrigo Duterte who is the country’s Coddler-In-Chief.

Sen. Panfilo Lacson said, “There is a phrase to describe this whole damn thing: Putang ina!” He vowed to lead a Senate inquiry on the matter. Rumors say the President is willing to attend the hearing. Majority bloc senators can’t wait to sit, jump, roll over, and play dead when he arrives.

0Score
Snubbed
Reports say Philippine President and ASEAN chairman Rodrigo Duterte was snubbed by the organizers of the G20 Summit held recently in Hamburg, Germany.  In attendance were the likes of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe, Indonesian President Jokowi Widodo, Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi and controversial US President Donald Trump. Organizers say they did not invite Duterte because they only have room for one monster.

Indicted
Ombudsman Conchita Carpio Morales has ordered the filing of charges against former president Benigno S. Aquino III for usurpation of authority and graft in connection with the botched 2015 Mamasapano operation. Things aren’t looking up for the former president. On July 23, the government will start implementing the nationwide smoking ban.

Ombudsman Conchita Carpio Morales has ordered the filing of charges against former president Benigno S. Aquino III. When the Ombudsman’s harshest critics were asked if they’re still pursuing the impeachment complaint against her, they replied, “What’s that?”

Re-scored
An independent panel of five judges was formed by the World Boxing Organization to watch (without sound) and re-score the controversial Pacquiao-Horn fight. The independent panel has just confirmed the outcome: it was 7 rounds to 5 in favor of the LGBTQ community.

0Score
Three of the five independent judges awarded the fight to Horn, one scored a draw and one judge awarded the fight to Pacquiao. In a statement, Senator Pacquiao said, “Nothing surprises me now. We have seen worse judgments in the past where judges manipulated results.” And Timothy Bradley was like, “Pwede, mag-move on ka na?”

Immediately after the outcome of the independent review came out, Manny Pacquiao tweeted that he love the sport of boxing and “until the passion is gone,” he will continue to fight for God, family, fans and country. Or as that’s collectively known, “Bob Arum.”

Drill
Some people are still complaining about the MMDA’s earthquake drill, which resulted in heavy traffic. They’re upset that it was conducted on July 14, a rainy payday, Friday. Spoiler Alert, people: Real earthquakes won’t definitely give a fuck about your tantrums.

0ATM
Trapped
In Texas, a customer who was about to withdraw money from an ATM got the surprise of his life when he heard a voice coming from the machine. It turned out that a man got trapped inside the ATM full of money. Unconfirmed reports say the guy was a Filipino congressman.
——————————————————————————————————————————————–
“When a leader encourages the culture of impunity, the society is lost and it makes the work harder for the rest of us.”
~ Wole Soyinka

Sound Bites
“General Bato, fix the killings of people riding on motorcycles. Alagad kayo ng batas, ayusin niyo ang batas hindi ang kabaro n’yo. That must be addressed by General Bato. Babaguhin ko na pangalan ni General Bato, lalagyan ko na ng ‘Gan’ para ‘Batogan.’”
~Sen. Richard Gordon, a staunch Duterte ally

“Duterte not only set the murderers free, he now gave back their badges and guns so they could murder again with impunity. Why? Because Duterte fears that these policemen might rat out on him for what they know about his involvement in the Espinosa murder.”
~Sen. Antonio Trillanes

“He’s goading people to kill people. That’s a problem. The directive to kill people under any situation in respective of the context to me, that’s not acceptable.”
~Ombudsman Conchita Carpio Morales

Indeed.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Supt. Marcos: Richard Reyes/Inquirer.Net; Pacquiao/Horn: World Boxing Organization]





THIS IS NOT FAKE NEWS (PART 2)

9 07 2017

ANOTHER dose of graphs and charts on Philippine government, politics and society. Have fun!

1. DOUBLE STANDARD?
Hypocrites

2. PRIORITIES
Priority

3. ADDICTION
Addicts

4.RESURGENCE
Vitaliano Aguirre

5. HOBBY
PNP Chief Sked

6. REMATCH
Manny Pacquiao

7. MEDIA MILEAGE
Lawmakers Statements

8. FAKE NEWS
Fanatics Fake News

9. LAZY
Headlines

10. “JOURNALISTS”
Tulfo

11. GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE
Trolls

12. LAWMAKERS
Senate K9

13. FILM PESTS
MMFF 2017

14. WEATHER-WEATHER LANG
Seasons

And more…

15. BLACK OUT
Stormy

16. DISASTERS
PraysFror

17. WALANG TULUGAN
Sleep

18. TO BE HONEST…
On My Way
______________________________________________________________________________________
“Police not enforcing laws results in a high crime rate that is formally reported as a low crime rate in police statistics.”
~Steven Magee

Sound Bites
“It’s quite offensive to treat us like trash bin for abusive cops. And to use the Marawi siege as a punishment shows insensitivity.”
~Assemblyman Zia Alonto Adiong on the PNP’s decision to send police scalawags to Marawi City

Exactly.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[All graphs were provided by Graphjam.com]





NOW YOU KNOW

3 07 2017

1hORN
UNHERALDED AUSTRALIAN Jeff Horn scored a controversial unanimous decision win over Manny Pacquiao in Brisbane. The fight lasted 12 rounds and some analysts faulted Pacquiao for this. He took an assignment lightly and failed to do his job well. Apparently, Pacquiao thought he was at the Senate.

According to Compubox, Pacquiao outlanded Horn, 182 to 92 but the three judges at ringside scored the fight 117-111, 115-113, and 115-113 all for the former school teacher. Horn took home the WBO welterweight belt while Pacquiao went home with a “WTF just happened?!?” look on his face.

1PacHorn
Despite the controversial loss, Malacañang said, “Nothing will change. Manny Pacquiao will remain our People’s Champ.” And a Duterte lackey, a death penalty advocate, an EJK supporter, and a Bible-quoting bigot.

Some lawmakers and several Pacquiao allies in both chambers of Congress lamented the loss saying he was “robbed.” Whether you agree with them or not, you can’t just dismiss the opinion of people who are experts on robbery.

1Jinkee
Interviewed after his stunning defeat, Manny Pacquiao thanked his Filipino fans and his family for rallying behind him. He also expressed appreciation to his wife, Jinkee for her unblinking support.

Pacquiao’s trainer Freddie Roach says Manny should seek a rematch and then retire because “he’s got nothing left to prove.” Pacquiao said he’ll make a final decision after consulting with his family, his wife Jinkee, and the BIR.

For Manny Pacquiao, the rematch, if there would be one, should take place in Manila. Jeff Horn is worried though since people who fight back in Manila end up being dead.

Interviewed after the controversial 12-round fight, Jeff Horn revealed his wife was pregnant. And it took them only three rounds to make that happen.

1Vicious Fan
Angry and bitter fans of Manny Pacquiao flooded Jeff Horn’s social media accounts with insults, profanities, curses and sexist comments. Foreign media described the comments as “vicious” – Or as that’s also called here in the Philippines, “presidential.”
———————————————————————————————————————————–
“Karma bides it’s time. You will always have to watch out. Karma is unforgiving and always gets payback.”
~Benjamin Bayani

Sound Bites
“I’ve just believed since I was very young that I could do this.”
~Jeff Horn

1hORN
Now you know.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Jeff Horn:AP Photo/Tertius Pickard; PacHorn: Getty Images; Pacman and Jinkee: Dyan Castillejo/ANC]





FACT OR FAKE? YOU CHOOSE

26 06 2017

FIND OUT if you are updated. Select an answer by clicking it, and you’ll know right away if you got it right. Good luck!

1DuterteTravels

Sa unang taon pa lang niya sa office, 17 countries na agad ang nabisita ni President Duterte ayon sa Inquirer Research. Ilang beses siya bumiyahe?
36
Wrong! Ano ‘yun, 3x a month?! Wala nang ginawa kundi bumiyahe?
28
Mali! Pero gusto nina Sandra Cam at Mocha Uson ‘yan! Join daw sila.
21
Correct! Official lahat ‘yan. ‘Di pa kasama ang check-up. Ooops. Erase! Erase! Erase!

1Fake News

Who is the author of Senate Bill No. 1492 or An Act Penalizing the Malicious Distribution of False News and Other Related Violations?
Sen. Sonny Trillanes
Where have you been?
Sen. Joel Villanueva
Correct! Lakas ng tsamba!
Sen. Sonny Angara
Mali ka! You armchair expert!

1KingandQueenofFakeNews

Ano ang pamagat ng tele-radio program nina Martin Andanar at Mocha Uson?
DDS Podcast
Correct! ‘Di man lang pinag-isipan ‘no? But then again, what do you expect?
Tunay na Pagbabago!
Wrong! I can’t blame you though. Who would wanna listen to them?
Sulong, Pilipinas!
Mali! But it’s ok. We understand.

1Abby Binay

Nag-post ng picture si Vicki Belo after ng civil wedding nila ni Hayden Kho. Online, ang nagkasal kina Vicki at Hayden na si Makati City Mayor Abby Binay ay napagkamalang __________.
Maid ni Vicki Belo
Wrong! Pero ‘di kita masisi.
Alalay ni Hayden Kho
Wrong! Bawal ang babaeng alalay for Hayden. #AlamMoNa
Yaya ni Scarlet Snow Belo
Tama! At walang masama sa pagiging yaya. Masama ‘yung nagpapayaman sa puwesto.

1MMDA

Nagalit si MMDA Chairman Danilo Lim nang tanungin ng media tungkol sa mga plano nito upang maresolba ang matinding traffic sa Metro Manila. Sagot ni Lim:
“Gusto n’yong gawin ko ang solusyon eh isang buwan pa lang ako dito!”
Correct! May pagka-pikon si General. Afraid!
“Ang dami n’yong reklamo. Kayo kaya ang maupo sa MMDA!”
Mali! Katulad ng mga naging ex mo, mali!
“Kung magsalita kayo, parang kayo lang ang nata-traffic ah!”
Wrong! Sa love life nga, ‘di ka na tumama; pati ba naman sa quiz?!

1McCann

Hinamong “magpapawis” (suntukan) ni Erwin Tulfo ang award-winning investigative journalist na si Ed Lingao matapos punahin ni Lingao ang paggamit ni Tulfo ng fake news sa kanyang pambabatikos sa radyo. Ngunit sagot ni Lingao, kung gusto talaga ni Tulfo na pawisan, ito raw ang dapat niyang gawin.
Makipagsuntukan kay Claudine Barretto
Wrong! Hindi pa nga nakakabawi ang mga Tulfo eh. Tama na!
Kumain ng sili
Mali! Napakaanghang na nga ng bunganga niya eh. ‘Wag nang dagdagdan.
Mag-isip
Tama ka! ‘Yun daw ang dapat gawin ni Erwin Tulfo: mag-isip. Ang tanong: capable ba?

1BPI

Dahil sa glitch sa kanilang system recently, magkano raw ang “mistakenly withdrawn” mula sa BPI accounts?
P46-million
Correct! At fault daw ‘yun ng isa nilang programmer. May trabaho pa kaya siya?
P16-million
Wrong! Grade school pa lang, mahina ka na sa numbers. Until now pala.
P26-million
Mali! Puro headlines lang kasi ang binabasa mo! Tamad!

1FemaleOble

Kontrobersyal ang likhang-sining na ito ng artist na si Ferdinand Cacnio. Marami raw kasi itong kahalintulad na sculpture sa ibang bansa. Dubbed by the media as the floating “female Oblation,” what was the name given by Cacnio to his work?
UPsilon
Wrong! Kesyo Greek word, akala mo, ‘yun ang tama. You’re a disgrace to the society!
UPrising
Huhula ka na rin lang, mali pa! Hayyyy!
UPlift
Correct! Masaya ka na?

1lesbian

Kamakailan, nagulat ang members ng isang Church nang magsalita sa harapan ang isang 13-year-old girl at inaming siya ay lesbian! Ayun, inoff ang kanyang mikropono. Sa anong congregation siya kabilang?
Church of Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons)
Correct! Ang homophobic lang.
Iglesia Ni Cristo
Wrong! No further comment.
Jesus Is Lord Movement
Mali ka! Pray ka pa nang konti para tumama.

1Xennials

May termino ang isang sociologist for the micro-generation born between 1977 and 1983. Sila raw ang mix ng pessimistic Generation X at ng optimistic Millennials. Ano ang tawag sa kanila?
Xennials
Correct! In fairness, nabasa mo yata ang article about this.
GeneXials
Wrong! Obvious na obvious; nanghula ka lang.
Millexes
Mali ka na naman! Wala ka talagang silbi sa mundo.

1ben

Bonus Question: To the rescue kay Erwin Tulfo ang kapatid na si Ben Tulfo. He “pulvorized” (pahiram ng term mo, Ben)  investigative journalist Ed Lingao on radio. Tanong: Kung may aalisin si Ben Tulfo sa kanyang katawan, alin dito ang dapat niyang unahin:
Fake accent
To be fair, mas nauna ang fake accent kesa fake news!
Shades
Umuulan, may shades? Nasa loob ng radio booth, may shades? Action star ka!?
Mohorovičić discontinuity
Wala lang. Gusto ko lang isama sa choices. ‘Di naman niya alam kung ano ‘yun eh.

——————————————————————————————————————————————-
“No matter how kind you are, always expect a few imbeciles.”
~Criss Jami,Healology

Sound Bites
“At a time when it has become even more difficult to ferret truth from lies, spins and fakery, we hereby restate our firm promise to a high sense of responsibility and honesty in the practice of our chosen profession. We do so as we express our support to our esteemed colleague Ed Lingao who is now being pilloried and threatened by some quarters.”
~National Union of Journalists of the Philippines (NUJP)

Great.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Sources:
Duterte the Traveler; Photo: ABS-CBN News

Anti-Fake News Bill; Photo: Webbox.com.ph

Vicki Belo-Hayden Kho Wedding; Photo: Instagram/@victoria_belo

BPI Bank Systems Glitch; Photo: GMA Network

MMDA and Traffic; Photo: ABSCBN News

Ed Lingao vs. Erwin Tulfo
Ed Lingao vs. Ben Tulfo

Female Oblation; Photo: Ferdinand Cacnio’s Facebook Page

Church of Christ of Latter-Day Saints; Photo: Spreadshirt.ca

Xennials, the micro generation born between 1977 and 1983 are a ‘mix between pessimists and optimists’








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