THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE.

30 09 2016

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THE FEISTY and the brilliant Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago is in the headlines. She’s dead. This marks the first time since June 30 that someone who made it to the headlines for being dead was neither killed by the cops nor summarily executed by unknown assailants.

In a statement, President Duterte said Senator Miriam “is best remembered as a graftbuster ‘eating death threats for breaksfast.’” While Duterte will be best remembered as a drug-buster eating words after press cons.

The President noted that for being a graftbuster, Senator Miriam earned the title ‘Iron Lady of Asia.’ To be fair to Duterte, he has already earned the title ‘Iron Man of the Solar System.’

President Duterte said, “As a constitutionalist, Senator Miriam has always been an advocate for the rule of law.” When asked if he’s also an ‘advocate for the rule of law,’ Duterte replied, “Did I claim to be a constitutionalist?’’

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Senator Miriam’s running mate in the last elections, Bongbong Marcos said she “has left the world less wise, less bright.” To which, his son, Sandro said, “Ouch!”

Miriam’s popularity waned when she supported deposed president Joseph Estrada during his impeachment trial. In 2001, she vowed to jump off a plane without a parachute “if Erap is arrested for plunder.” The arrest did happen. When confronted by the media about her promise, the senator infamously quipped, “But I lied ha-ha-ha-ha” – totally inspiring the likes of Noynoy Aquino [Magpapasagasa ako sa tren] and Rodrigo Duterte [Magji-jet ski ako sa Spratlys at magtatayo ako ng Philippine flag].

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Senator Miriam was the first Asian to be elected as judge of the International Criminal Court (ICC) based in the Hague, Netherlands. It is the “court of last resort” for war crimes, genocide, and crimes against humanity. The ICC was probably Miriam’s “greatest dream” and will probably be Rodrigo Duterte’s “worst nightmare.”

Former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo said, “Senator Miriam’s life is the epitome of good governance.” And then she asked, “How to be you po?”

House Speaker Pantaleon Alvarez said, “We lost one of the most feared campaigner against corruption in government.” In totally unrelated news, lawmakers will each get 80 million pesos in pork barrel “district allocations” under the proposed 2017 budget.

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Controversial Justice Secretary Vitaliano Aguirre II said the country had “lost a great mind and an indefatigable leader and public servant.” When reporters tried asking follow-up questions, he refused and covered his ears.

Sec. Vitaliano Aguirre added, “My regret is that I had no opportunity to reconcile with her.” Well, there’s a way to do THAT naman. Gusto mong i-try?

Senators called Miriam Defensor-Santiago an “intellectual giant.” When she died, the Senate lowered the Philippine flag to half-staff and the average Senate IQ by half.
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“The true statesman is the one who is willing to take risks.”
~Charles de Gaulle

In other news…
According to President Duterte, the CIA is planning to kill him – prompting Fidel Castro to release a statement saying, “Itigil ang ilusyon! Hindi pa kita ka-level.”

President Duterte believes the Central Intelligence Agency is out to destroy him. The CIA replied, “You’re already doing that. Why would we interrupt you?”

Ironic
Manny Pacquiao admitted he used different kinds of drugs as a teenager but kicked the habit, reformed himself, and became a world champion. Today though, he supports President Duterte’s all-out war on drugs. Kill the user. Kill the pusher. Pacquiao cannot see the irony in that. As Senator Miriam’s book would probably say, “Pacquiao is forever!”

Manny Pacquiao admitted he did use different kinds of drugs. We can still see the side effects.

Sound Bites
“I accept this. I do not want to do anything heroic.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago’s last words as quoted by her husband, Narciso Santiago

Personal
We had differing opinions on some issues and I did ‘heckle’ her on this blog a number of times but I have always admired the brilliance and humor of Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago. She would always send me a Christmas gift – even until last year when she was battling cancer. In Philippine politics though, she was the gift. Maraming salamat at paalam Senator Miriam.

There can only be one. Indeed.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Sen. Miriam on Facebook; Duterte: Vincent Go; Aguirre: GMA News]





DUTERTELEAKS

27 09 2016

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RODRIGO DUTERTE knew and allowed vigilante killings when he was mayor of Davao City according to a confidential diplomatic cable dated May 8, 2009 released by WikiLeaks.

Dear Wikileaks, tell us something we don’t know.

Commission on Human Rights Regional Director Alberto Sipaco who was being quoted in the confidential cable revealed that Duterte “channeled his anger over his son’s drug use not just against drug pushers, but also drug users eventually leading him to embrace vigilante killings as a means to reduce crime.” And Edgar Matobato was like “Told yah!”

15 Additional Information On Or About President Duterte Released By Wikileaks

1. In 2008, Leila De Lima turned down Rodrigo Duterte’s offer for a dinner date.

2. There’s a huge portrait of Ferdinand Marcos inside Duterte’s mini-office in his Davao home. He talks to the portrait every night before going to bed.

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3. Despite his tough guy image, Duterte wears Spongebob briefs or boxers everyday.

4. He sleeps with a loaded gun tucked into his underwear.

5. Psychologists attribute Duterte’s Antisocial Narcissistic Personality Disorder to his triorchidism, a congenital anomaly characterized by the presence of three testicles.

6. Wiretapped calls from 2008 to 2013 revealed Duterte uttered the words ‘Putang ina’ 1,095 times per year on the average.

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7. When he heard rumors his son, Paolo was into drugs, Duterte subjected him to a game of Russian roulette.

8. In 2010, he was secretly rushed to the hospital after complaining of severe abdominal pains. Doctors found 15 bullet casings in his stomach which he consumed every Christmas Day during the last 15 years. After the successful surgery, Duterte vowed not to eat bullet casings again.

9. Duterte never wanted a daughter. He wished Inday Sara was male. Her decision to sport a pixie cut was on Duterte’s orders.

10. For three years, Duterte’s ring back tone was ‘Pusong Bato.’

11. In 2013, Duterte terminated a six-month relationship with a part-time model whom he discovered a year later to be a transgender woman. Fearing for her life, the woman decided to leave Davao City for an undisclosed place.

12. Duterte keeps a DVD stash of his favorite movies: The Notebook, Kung Fu Panda, The Hangover, Brokeback Mountain, and Shrek.

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13. In 2011, Duterte considered rhinoplasty but no doctors wanted to perform surgery on him.

14. He has a rare form of ambidexterity. He can write Visayan using his left hand and he can write profanity using his right hand at the same time.

And lastly…

15. He has a tattoo of Tweety Bird on his left butt cheek.

Note: These bits of information are subject to verification.

Elsewhere
In a video uploaded to YouTube, Taiwanese animators depict President Duterte as a clown, moron


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“Minds that have withered into psychosis are far more terrifying than any character of fiction.”
~Christian Baloga

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Sound Bites
“The peso’s decline is mainly due to politics, with the Philippine president’s ongoing war on drug dealers and his intent to seem to alienate all of their major trading partners.”
~Jeffrey Halley, market strategist, Oanda Asia Pacific on the peso’s plunge

“Ayoko naman siyang patulan kasi pangit siya.”
~President Duterte on Sen. Leila De Lima

“Naawa na po ako sa inyo mahal na Pangulo, tigilan na ninyo ako. Ano po ang gusto ninyo sa akin? May gusto po ba kayo sa akin?”
~Sen. Leila De Lima

Kids.

Poll Results
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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte: Vincent Go; Duterte 2: Reuters; Headline: Inquirer.net]





CAN YOU BILIBID?

21 09 2016

IT’S PROBABLY the biggest news of the week. Everyone is talking about it. It’s over for Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt!

TMZ reported that “Angelina reached her breaking point last week over Brad’s consumption of marijuana.” When news of the separation first broke out, Angelina got messages of support from her dad, her brother and President Duterte.

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House Inquiry
The House of Representatives has opened its inquiry into the alleged proliferation of drugs inside the New Bilibid Prison. The hearing was presided over by Congressman Vitaliano Aguirre.

Witnesses presented by DOJ Sec. Vitaliano Aguirre claimed that then Justice Secretary Leila De Lima received millions of pesos from drug lords. Reporters described the hearing as “explosive.” Others described it as “shocking.” President Duterte called it a “success!”

Independent
Presidential Communications Secretary Martin Andanar said Malacañang did not have a hand in the inquiry that painted Leila De Lima as a drug coddler. Andanar added, “I’d like to say the House is also independent.” Like the President, Andanar has apparently developed this habit of telling jokes.

Harassment
During the hearing, congressmen announced Senator De Lima’s cellphone number and home address. The senator lambasted the solons’ “utter lack of sheer humanity.” On Tuesday night or a few hours after her phone number was made public, De Lima said she received more than 2,000 nasty and angry messages. And that’s just from Sandra Cam.

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Bad Image
Staunch Duterte ally and apologist, Alan Peter Cayetano said Senators Trillanes, De Lima, and Drilon are destroying the country’s image and reputation abroad. Even President Duterte was like, “Kung makasipsip naman ‘to! Ang tagal pa ng 2022 ‘tang ina!”

FU!
Earlier this week, the European Union (EU) Parliament called on the government to “put an end to the current wave of extrajudicial executions and killings” of drug suspects. Reacting to the statement, President Duterte said, “Nabasa ko ang EU condemnation sa akin. Sabihin ko sa kanila, ‘Fuck you!’” When asked for reaction, the European Union said, “We’re too busy right now. Can we ignore him some other time?”

Responding to the EU’s criticisms, President Duterte said, “Fuck you.” In separate text messages, the UN and Pope Francis told the EU, “Welcome to the club!”

This just in: Antarctica has also appealed to President Duterte to put a halt to extrajudicial killings in the country. A furious Duterte said Antarctica should shut the fuck up, stop meddling in Philippine affairs and focus instead on its melting ice sheets.

Sought for an interpretation, Communications Sec. Martin Andanar said, “Nauunawaan ng Pangulo ang malamig na pakikitungo sa kanya ng Antarctica.”

Movement
According to Communications Secretary Martin Andanar, there is an “Oust Duterte Movement.” He couldn’t give any details though. Allegedly, the movement’s goal is to make the President sound and look bad in international media. That explains the movement’s choice for spokesperson: the President himself.

Pacquiao
As if following a carefully-written script, Manny Pacquiao on Monday moved to declare the Senate justice committee vacant. Online, he was applauded by Duterte die hards although he would have been applauded by a larger number of people had he declared his own Senate seat vacant.

It was Manny Pacquiao who moved to declare the Senate justice committee vacant. That’s one rare moment when we wished Pacquiao was absent from the session instead.

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Going back to the #Brangelina break up…
Reaction to the breakup ranged from celebration (#TeamJen) to devastation. Sa Malacañang, napaiyak at nahulog sa upuan si Secretary Martin Andanar.

Brad and Angelina have six children including one from Vietnam, Ethiopia and Cambodia. Now they’re breaking up. And President Duterte was like, “See? Even Brad and Angelina are leaving the United Nations!”

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have called it quits. Some people are blaming actress Marion Cotillard. Some are blaming Brad Pitt’s weed and alcohol consumption. Malacañang is blaming the media.

Dutertefied
Filipinos fought for press freedom to come up with headlines like this on the anniversary of the declaration of Martial Law. #ProudMoment

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BREAKING: The Manila Standard has been declared ‘the best newspaper in the solar system.’ Congratulations!
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“Once a government is committed to the principle of silencing the voice of opposition, it has only one way to go, and that is down the path of increasingly repressive measures, until it becomes a source of terror to all its citizens and creates a country where everyone lives in fear.”
~Harry S. Truman

Sound Bites
“As the saying goes, everything has been thrown at me except the kitchen sink. I am still waiting for the kitchen sink.”
~Sen. Leila De Lima

Elsewhere
The dogs of war by Luis Francia
“And President Duterte is that man, the extraordinary alpha male of the pack.
When he growls, the whole pack growls.
When he barks, the whole pack barks.
When he bares his teeth, as he did in insulting President Obama, the whole pack bares their teeth.”

The Bloody Biography of Rodrigo Duterte by Sheila Coronel
“If he wants to remain true to his beliefs, he must find a way to articulate his position on human rights, foreign policy, and the international community that goes beyond expletives. He’s in uncharted territory now. The Davao playbook no longer suffices. It’s time to write a new one.”

Poll Results
On Twitter:
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Online:
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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Hearing: Rappler; Duterte: ABSCBN News; Manila Standard]





INTERVIEW WITH THE DEVIL (LOVE IT!)

18 09 2016

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DESPITE its busy schedule, the Devil granted this blogger an exclusive interview the other day. Here’s the unedited transcript.

Uy, kumusta ka na?

Heto, masama pa rin. Ikaw?

I’m good. Maayos naman ang buhay.

Ang lungkot naman. Gusto mong gawin kong exciting?

Gago.

Thank you.

What keeps you busy these days?

Ahhh, marami. May world tour ako actually. Last July, nasa France ako, remember?

Ohhh, so ikaw pala ang may kagagawan ng terror attack sa Nice noong Bastille Day.

‘Yong truck na nanagasa ng civilians? Of course. Who else?

Demonyo ka talaga!

Thank you! Actually kagagaling ko lang din sa Syria. The situation there was hell. I love it!

Sana nag-stay ka na lang do’n.

Tanga! Bakit pa? I can Skype. I can tweet. I can Snapchat. I can even Facebook Live. Pwede ko nang i-manipulate at imonitor ang mga nangyayari sa iba’t ibang bansa anytime!

So bakit ka pa nagpunta rito?

Kasi nga, I feel so special here. Patayan dito, patayan dun, EJK here, EJK there, murahan sa umaga, murahan sa gabi… hashtag winnnnnning!

Ang sama mo!

Thank you! Alam mo, sobrang nag-enjoy ako last Thursday sa Senate hearing.

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Nandun ka?

Naman! Alam mo ‘yong moment na halos magsuntukan sina Cayetano at Trillanes? That was so awesome! That was me!

Wala namang suntukan eh.

Alam ko! Punyeta kasi ‘yang si De Lima eh! Pakialamera! Kung kailan malapit nang magpang-abot ‘yong dalawa, saka naman biglang umawat. Buwisit kang babae ka! Ito ang tandaan mo: hindi ka na magkaka-love life ulit! You will die alone. And sad! Bitch!

Ang laki ng galit mo kay De Lima!

KJ kasi ‘yang lecheng ‘yan eh! Ang saya kaya ng araw-araw na patayan ‘tapos iimbestigahan niya?! Bobo! Pati ‘yang CHR na ‘yan, bobo! Hindi kayo magtatagumpay!

Teka lang, relax. Masyado kang mainit.

Isa ka pang bobo! Sa impyerno ako galing, sanay na ako sa init! Idiot.

Punta naman tayo sa ibang isyu. Active ka sa social media ‘di ba? Nagbabasa ka ba ng comments?

What do you mean, ‘nagbabasa?’ Tanga ka ba? I am behind those comments.

Meaning?

Putangina mo. Mamatay ka na. Sana ma-rape ka. Uubusin ko ang pamilya mo. Sasaksakin kita pag nakita kita. Fuck you dilawan. Ang bobobo ng Duterte die hards. Blah blah blah! AKO LAHAT ‘YAN!

You’re kidding.

Of course not! I created them. Ako rin ang gumawa ng mga trolls na aktibo ngayon online. Hashtag proud! Love it!

Bad!

Thanks for the compliment!

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Ano nga pala ang masasabi mo kay Pangulong Duterte?

Matagal ko nang protégé ‘yan pero aaminin ko, we have a love-hate relationship.

Dahil?

Eh kasi tatanga-tanga. Inuubos niya ang mga snatcher, pusher at mga drug lord. Helllooooooooo! Ang mga dugyot na ‘yan ang nagpapasaya sa mundo! Hangga’t nandirito ako, hindi ka mananalo sa drug war, Digong!

Sabi mo love-hate? Eh parang hate lang naman ah. Where is the love?

Suspek pa lang, pinapatay na! Hindi pa nakakasuhan, guilty na. ‘Tapos pati mga inosenteng bata at mga kabataan, nadadamay pa! Ang saya-saya! At ‘yong pagmumura niya? Wow. He has overachieved! Love it! Keep it up Tatay Digong!

Tatay Digong talaga???? Mocha Uson, ikaw ba ‘yan?

Fuck you! But I love Mocha! Ang laki ng potential.

So, gusto mo rin ang ginagawa niya?

Absolutely! Ituloy mo lang ‘yan anak. Ang dami mo nang followers. Tutulungan kitang paramihin pa ‘yan. Memes pa more! Love it!

Favorite expression mo yata ‘yong ‘Love it’ ‘no?

Kung nega, ‘love it.’ Kung positive… ‘tang ina ba’t ba pati expression ko, pinapakialaman mo?

Nagtatanong lang naman. ‘Di naman ako nakikialam. OA mo!

Alam ko! Thank you!

Magbabanggit ako ng names, tapos mag-comment ka.

Game!

Vice President Leni Robredo…

Isang malaking tanga! Naglabas ba naman ng statement na ‘di siya susuporta kung sakaling i-impeach si Duterte. Tsansa mo nang maging pangulo, ayaw mo pa. Istupida! Tutulungan na nga kita, ayaw mo pa? Tadyakan kita d’yan eh.

Masyado ka namang bayolente.

Thank you! Sino pa?

Kris Aquino…

The last time na nagkasalubong kami eh noong gamitin niya sa kampanya ang presidential chopper. I miss her.

Presidential spokespersons and other interpreters…

My favorite! First honor sa katangahan ang mga ‘yan kaya enjoy na enjoy ako sa magkakaiba nilang sinasabi! Feed ako nang feed ng conflicting statements, kagat naman sila nang kagat. Love it!

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Manny Pacquiao…

Nabuwisit ako d’yan nang mag-Born Again Christian. Huminto sa pambabae ang pucha. Bobo! Pero lately, nagkabati na kami dahil consistent ang pagiging homophobic niya ‘tapos pabor pa siya sa death penalty. Tawang-tawa ako nang sabihin niyang ibitin na lang ang convict tapos sipain na lang ang silya. Ang primitive lang at ang cruel ng suggestion. Love it!

Pope Francis…

Yuck! Ang linis-linis. Kadiri.

Congressmen…

I am so happy for them! Ibinalik ang 80 million pesos na pork barrel bawat congressman. Pasalamatan n’yo ako mga gago! If not for me, nganga pa rin kayo! Hashtag happy days are here again. Kitakits sa hearing next week! Balita ko tetestigo ang mga alaga ko from Bilibid! Nakaka-proud! Go lang nang go! #laban #puso #push Love it!

Speaking of Congress, how about Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo?

Welcome back! Ang shaya-shaya, ‘no? Love it!

Edgar Matobato…

Hudas! Ilang taon kitang inalagaan, inarmasan, pinakain, at prinutektahan tapos bigla mo akong tatalikuran?! Walanghiya! Hindi na kita ililibre sa McDo! Walang utang na loob!

Ombudsman Conchita Carpio-Morales…

Hindi ko siya kilala. At hindi ako interesado sa kanya.

Baka naman basted ka lang ni Ombudsman.

Punyeta siya. Period. Next!

Former vice president Jojo Binay…

Miss ko na siya. I’m still a fan of his ‘achievements’ though. Love it.

General Ronald ‘Bato’ De La Rosa…

Sabi ni Bato, from July 1 to September 17, more than 17,000 drug personalities na ang naaresto. I hate it. But in fairness, almost 3,000 na ang napapatay. Love it!

The late dictator Ferdinand Marcos…

I bumped into him kanina. Mukhang malungkot. Tarantado kasi ‘yang Supreme Court dahil na-TRO na naman ang planned burial sa Libingan ng mga Bayani. F*ck you SC justices! You don’t do that to my friend. F*ck you!

Sandro Marcos…

Panalo ang batang ‘yan! He’s been consistently awful. Love it!

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Last na… Salvador Panelo.

My hero! Sabi niya kahapon, ipu-propose niya ang “constitutional dictatorship.” Tang ina! Ano ‘yon? Pero mukhang exciting… so, love it!

May message ka ba sa mga Filipino?

Ano ‘to? Talk show? May message pa talaga?

Sige, ‘wag na.

Gago! Nagtatanong lang ako. ‘Di ko sinabing ayaw. Anyway, to majority of Filipinos… mga friendsheeeeeeeep, mga repapips (Tang ina, ang luma ng repapips. Parang adik lang), mga kapamilya, kapuso, kapatid, mga dabarkads at madlang pipol… kung gusto n’yong batikusin si Duterte, go lang. Mas maraming bangayan, mas cool sa akin ‘yan! Pero suportahan pa rin natin ang patayan sa Pilipinas! The other day 22 daw ang pinatay overnight. Ang liit nun mga pards! Damihan pa natin! Try natin ang 75 per day! At ‘wag na kayong magreklamo ‘pag may pinapatay. Buhay pa naman kayo ‘di ba? Pag kayo na ang pinatay, dun na lang kayo mag-ingay. [Tang-ina, paano kaya ‘yon?] Otherwise… chill! Ok? Love it!

Wait, wala pa namang hearing. Saan ka muna pupunta?

Tanga! Nandito na ako sa Kongreso. Nauna na ako! Dito na lang muna ako magmomonitor ng patayan habang wala pang hearing.

Ok ka lang d’yan?

Of course! Bahay ito ng mga congressman. I feel so at home here.

Love it?

Love it! Ulol!
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“The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.”
~ Albert Einstein

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Elsewhere
TIME: The tragic cost of President Duterte’s war on drugs

Sound Bites
“Sixteen thousand ang sumuko. Ibig sabihin, ilan lang ang napatay dahil nanlaban. Nasaan ang massacre doon?”
~Tito Sotto, senator

Why are we being punished?

Poll Results
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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Senate Hearing: Rappler; Duterte: Inquirer.net; TIME Magazine]





THE INTERPRETERS

13 09 2016

Sound Bites
“I have explained to [Duterte] about Mary Jane’s situation and I told him that Mary Jane [has been found guilty] for carrying 2.6 kilograms of heroin. I also told him about the delay in the execution during the meeting. President Duterte then said, ‘Please go ahead if you want to execute her.’”
~Indonesian President Jokowi Widodo

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INDONESIAN President Jokowi Widodo said President Duterte had given him the go signal to execute Mary Jane Veloso, a Filipina drug convict. Yasay, Piñol, Dureza, and Abella have already denied the report that first came out in the Jakarta Post. I suggest that Filipinos withhold judgment until the OTHER interpreters – Andanar, Cualoping, Panelo, Cayetano, Calida and Mocha have issued their own statements.

DFA Secretary Perfecto Yasay Jr. said President Duterte actually told Indonesian President Widodo he “respects their judicial processes.” The conversation turned awkward when Widodo allegedly replied, “Respect your own judicial processes too.”

Secretary Yasay described the headline of The Jakarta Post as “erroneous.” The Jakarta Post described Yasay’s reaction as “templated.”

In yet another version, presidential spokesman Ernesto Abella quoted the President as telling Widodo, “Follow your own laws.” To which, Widodo reportedly answered, “What do you know about following laws?”

President Duterte of the Philippines has given the Indonesian government the go signal to execute Mary Jane Veloso according to The Jakarta Post. Just so you know, The Jakarta Post is the largest English-language ‘bias,’ ‘yellow’ newspaper in Indonesia

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Latest Development
Adam Harvey, a Jakarta-based journalist reported Tuesday the latest on the Maryjane Veloso issue. Harvey said “Jokowi is not backing down over his account of Duterte’s controversial statements.” That means it’s Jokowi’s word against Duterte’s, and Piñol’s and Abella’s and Dureza’s and Yasay’s.

Snubbed
Last week in Laos, presidential adviser Jesus Dureza said President Duterte “was not feeling well” so he skipped the Obama-Asean leaders meeting. But just the other day, Duterte revealed he actually skipped the meeting “purposely” because “I do not like the Americans.” The revelation made Duterte look like a ‘principled leader’ and Dureza, a ‘stupid liar.’

Out, Now!
On Monday, President Duterte called for the withdrawal of American troops in Mindanao. His exact words were: “The special forces, they have to go.” The announcement came as a shock to American soldiers, Washington DC, and Pia Wurtzbach.

Out, Now! II
On Monday, President Duterte said, “The US special forces, they have to go!”
The next day:
DFA Sec. Perfecto Yasay: Duterte made the statement in the CONTEXT of wanting to SAVE Americans.

Defense Sec. Delfin Lorenzana: The President said it is up to the US to pull out for their safety.

Presidential spokesman Ernesto Abella: He is not telling US troops to leave. It’s just a warning.

The statements prompted President Obama to send the three officials a thank you note saying, “I appreciate your efforts, sanitary engineers!”

Change
Last month, President Duterte told the media he wanted to change the name of Malacañang. Rumors say he has decided on a new name. Inspired by his spokesmen and interpreters, Malacañang will be known soon as “Babel Palace.”

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Revisionism I
The government-run website, Official Gazette drew flak for editing and “sanitizing” an entry about the late dictator, Ferdinand Marcos. Some news reports say the revision may have been done by a certain Marcos Angelo Cabrera, who used to work for Bongbong Marcos but now writes for the Official Gazette. Netizens had reason to believe that the culprit was Cabrera because the edited Marcos entry ended with the hashtags #LaylayanYourFace #WinADateWithSandro and #MartialLawNeverHappened.

Revisionism II
Solicitor General Jose Calida says Filipinos who oppose the burial of the late dictator Ferdinand Marcos at the Libingan ng mga Bayani are “bitter” who “cannot forgive.” Apart from being the solicitor general, Calida is also a contributor at the Official Gazette.

Plot
President Duterte says LP members are to plotting to oust him. The accusation was clearly a joke since there’s hardly any LP members left.

Miss Universe 2017
As we all know, the Miss Universe pageant will be held in Manila in January 2017. Malacañang is reportedly offering our candidate, Maxine Medina the services of its interpreters. She politely declined.

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Train To Busan’
An unknown virus ‘infects’ people causing aggressive and violent behavior. Those who are ‘infected’ attack others even without provocation. But enough about rabid Duterte supporters. Let’s talk about the movie, ‘Train To Busan.’ It’s a thrilling zombie apocalypse flick. May puso. Go watch it.
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“With great power often comes great confusion.”
~ Dan Allen, Seam in Action

Elsewhere
The New York Times: How Countries Like the Philippines Fall Into Vigilante Violence
“Once violence becomes an acceptable means for settling disputes and exerting power, it is difficult for people to trust any other system. State officials have little standing to demand that people follow the rule of law when the state itself has been encouraging lawless violence.”

Sound Bites
“Quite frankly, I have not heard that statement, and I would like to understand in what context did the President say that also. But I will insist and tell you the truth that the reason he was not able to attend these two meetings was because he was not feeling well.”
~DFA Sec. Perfecto Yasay Jr., 9.13.2016 – despite the President’s statement that he skipped the US-Asean meeting “on purpose”

‘Tang ina. Ang daming nagsasalita. Umayos nga kayo.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: The Jakarta Post, Adam Harvey, Biography.com]





ROCK STAR

10 09 2016

WELCOME BACK President Duterte! Congratulations on your world stage debut!

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Question: Sa mga ‘di pamilyar sa kanya, ito si presidential spokesman Ernesto Abella. Sa likod naman niya ay makikita si Presidential Communications Office head Martin Andanar. Sa Laos ito kinunan. Ano ang sinasabi nila sa nakapalibot na journalists?
A: “Wala po munang press con ngayon ang ating mahal na pangulo. Maawa naman kayo sa amin. Pagod na pagod na kami sa pag-interpret ng statements niya. We need a break.”

B: “Wala na pong makapipigil pa. First in the history of the Asean Summit. Exciting po ang seating arrangement sa gala dinner. Ang Nobel Laureate na si Aung San Suu Kyi ng Myanmar ay kumpirmadong kakandong kay Pangulong Duterte habang kumakain! May magaganap pang subuan! Iba talaga ang karisma ng ating pangulo.”

C: Wala pong katotohanang iba’t iba kami ng sinasabi. Iba’t iba lang talaga kayo ng intindi. Pakyu all. Thank you.

1ban
President Duterte and Ban Ki Moon
Duterte: Hindi kesyo nag-hi ako sa ‘yo eh ok na tayo, tanda!

Ban Ki-Moon: Huwag mo akong takutin. Kakampi ko ang Amerika.

Duterte: Kakampi ko ang China.

Ban Ki-Moon: Nasa likod ko ang buong Europa.

Duterte: Ipapa-Facebook kita kay Mocha.

Ban Ki-Moon: Inaano ba kita?!? Mag-usap nga tayo nang maayos.

President Duterte and Ban Ki Moon II
Duterte: Sec-Gen Ban, good morning! Rody Duterte po from the

Ban: Philippines? Alam ko! Rockstar ka nga raw ‘di ba? Dinudumog kahit saan. Bawat mura, pinapalakpakan. ‘Pag naipit, sasabihin ‘joke lang.’ Pero ‘pag tinanong mo naman about extrajudicial killing, sasabihan kang ‘wag makialam at ikaw pa ang uupakan. ‘Tapos ang lakas ng loob magbantang aalis sa UN? Iba ka.

Duterte: ‘Tang ina. Ang daming sinabi, nag-good morning lang ako.

1obama
Obama and the Aide
Obama: Anong sabi?

Aide: “Who you” daw po kayo?

Obama: Tapos?

Aide: Sisipain ka raw sa harap ng reporters.

Obama: Ano pa?

Aide: ‘Di raw siya papayag na lektyuran mo siya on human rights.

Obama: What else?

Aide: Nigger daw kayo at ipinanganak sa Kenya.

Obama: Tarantado! Parang walang namang ganun. Kung makagatong ka naman!

1obamaduts
President Obama and President Duterte
Obama: Ang lakas ng loob mong manermon! O loko, eh ‘di hanggang tanaw ka na lang d’yan ngayon.

Duterte: Gago! Hindi ikaw ang tinatanaw ko kundi ‘yung babaeng naka-blue sa gilid mo. Feelingero!

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President Duterte and the Server
Duterte: Masarap ba ‘yang gatas mo?

Server: Hindi po gatas ito. Juice.

Duterte: Masarap ba ang juice mo?

Server: President Obama o, binabastos ako.

Duterte: ‘Tang ina! Hindi kita binabastos. Out of context ka!

President Duterte and the Server II
Duterte: Alam mo Miss Beautiful, hindi lang kamay na bakal ang matigas sa akin.

Server: Bastos! Ang tanda-tanda n’yo na, ang hilig n’yo pa rin!

Duterte: Ah ganun?!? Siguro bayaran ka? Nakadilaw ka eh. Bias ka! Bias!

1dutsbolkiah
President Duterte and Brunei’s Sultan Hassanal Bolkiah
Duterte: Kapatid mo pala si Jefri? ‘Yong playboy na may harem tapos labingwalo ang anak.

Bolkiah: Uy! Ikaw pala. Kumusta naman ang mahigit dalawang libong pinatay in the name of your war on drugs?

Duterte:

Bolkiah: O, nauna ka huh. Sumagot lang ako.

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President Duterte and Lao Prime Minister Thongsing Thammavong
Thammavong: Dahil ikaw ang bagong Asean chair, tanggapin mo ang gavel na ito.

Duterte: Ang bigat ah. Pwede ko ba ‘tong ibato?

Thammavong: Sa mga addict o sa mga pusher?

Duterte: Sa media. Lagi akong misquoted eh.

Thammavong: Sige lang. Para maturuan ng leksyon ang mga ‘yan!

Duterte: Sure?

Thammavong: Just don’t quote me.

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President Duterte, Aung San Suu Kyi, Sultan Bolkiah and Indonesia’s Widodo
Duterte: Madam, I am Rody Duterte from the Philippines. I am

Suu Kyi: Kung ija-justify mo na naman ang extrajudicial killing sa bansa mo, umalis ka na sa harapan ko.

Bolkiah: #burn

Widodo: Friendzoned ampucha.

Duterte: Dinig ko kayo. ‘Tang ina n’yo!

1wid
Philippines and Indonesia
Duterte: I heard gusto mong gayahin ang style ko against drugs.

Widodo: Sana. Paano ba ginagawa ‘yon?

Duterte: 44 deaths kada araw. Ganun!

Widodo: 44 ang papatayin kada araw?!? Parang ‘di kakayanin ng mga pulis ko ‘yan.

Duterte: Eh ba’t nagtanong ka pa? Gago! Palitan mo na nga lang ang pangalan mo. Dapat WiNONO!

Widodo:

Duterte: Medyo korni. Sorry.

1dureza
Social Media
Duterte: Kumusta sa social media?

Dureza: Nakakapangilabot Mr. President. Tingnan mo ‘to. Almost a million na ang nag-share ng article na ikaw raw ang napiling best president sa Solar System.

Duterte: Good!

Dureza: Hindi ka naba-bother sa pagiging gullible ng Pinoy, Mr. President?

Duterte: Hindi ba mas nakaka-bother kung hindi sila gullible?

Dureza: May point. #infairness

1pc
The Team
Andanar: Our president has been treated like a rockstar in Laos. Grabe, dinudumog talaga siya ng world leaders for a selfie.

Yasay: His debut on the world stage was brilliant and superb!

Cayetano: Kahit ‘di ako tinatanong, magsasalita na rin ako. The brief meeting with Obama went well. Napaka-warm ng handshake at very good ang naging conversation nila.

Duterte: Mga kababayan, palakpakan po natin ang aking praise and worship team na kasama sa Laos. Thank you.

Salvador Panelo: Gusto ko lang idagdag na

Duterte: Sabi ko, ‘ok na,’ ‘di ba? Nag-thank you na ako. Tama na. Baka sumabit ka pa, ‘tang ina.
——————————————————————————————————————————-
“War, they say, is the answer of those who have no arguments left.”
~Andrew Ashling

1gmanewsgma
No Kidding: Sarcasm Ban
Eccentric North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has banned North Koreans from making sarcastic comments about him or his regime. But that’s nothing compared to what has been happening on social media since President Duterte took office: a self-imposed ban on common sense.

In case you missed it…
Stephen Colbert pokes fun at Duterte’s anti-US/Obama rant. Starting at 2:52.

Consistent
After that epic photo blunder, here’s another epic fail from another Duterte spokesman Peter Tiu Laviña:

untitled

Poll Results
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Ingat!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte/Asean Summit: King Rodriguez/PPD; GMA:GMA News; Duterte-Ban Ki-Moon: AP/Bullit Marquez; Duterte-Laotian PM: Philstar; Duterte-Gavel-Laos:ABSCBN News; Obama: Carolyn Kaster AP; Abella: Bullit Marquez AP; Duterte-Bolkiah and Photoshoot: AP Photo/Gemunu Amarasinghe; Duterte-Suu Kyi: Reuters/Soe Zeya Tun; Duterte-Obama Stare: Vishva Gujarat; Widodo-Duterte-AFP; Peter Tiu Laviña FB]





P*T@N& !N@: RANTS AND REGRETS

6 09 2016

1obamaduts

“You just don’t throw question and statements. Putang ina, mumurahin kita sa forum na ‘yan!”
~President Duterte

IN HIS TRADEMARK gutter language, President Duterte said he would not allow US President Barack Obama to lecture him on extrajudicial killings when they meet in Laos for the Asean Summit. Duterte advised the US leader, “You must be respectful.” To which, Obama said, “You first.”

Lashing out at US President Barack Obama, acid-tongued Rodrigo Duterte said, “Wala akong pakialam sa kanya! Sipain ko pa ‘yan sa harap n’yo eh!” His Cabinet applauded. His rabid supporters wildly cheered. And Russian President Vladimir Putin texted, “How to be you po?”

Duterte cursing at Obama was hardly surprising. For decades now, Duterte has been under a state of tastelessness.

Top 5 Reactions of Duterte Allies to His Attacks on Obama

No. 5: Alan Peter Cayetano: Nagmura rin noon si Mar Roxas. ‘Wag nating kalimutan ‘yon.

No. 4: Salvador Panelo: May legal basis ang pagmumura ni Pangulong Duterte kay Obama.

No. 3: DFA Sec. Perfecto Yasay Jr.: Kasalanan ng media ‘yan eh. Alam nilang pagod na pagod ang Pangulo tapos gagatungan pa ng mga tanong kay Obama. Sila ang dapat sisihin!

No. 2: Peter Tiu Laviña:

1Lavinia

And the No. 1 typical reaction of a Duterte ally to his attack on Obama…

Mocha Uson: Nakakaiyak talaga ang katapangan ng ating minamahal na presidente. Kagalang-galang na pangulo, nasa likod mo lang po kami. Alam naming para sa kapakanan ng mga anak mo – ang sambayanang Pilipino – ang ginagawa mong pagmumura sa Papa, sa pinuno ng UN at ngayon naman, kay Obama. Mabuhay po kayo Tatay Digong. #MuraPaMore #SigeLang #CheerLangKami #MahalKaNaminTatayDigong

Canceled
Following Duterte’s insults, US President Barack Obama has decided to cancel his bilateral talks with the President in Vientiane, Laos where the Asean Summit is being held. Duterte diehards are now accusing Obama of being a bitter ‘dilawan’ who cannot move on.

Regrets
Hours after Washington DC announced the cancelation of the bilateral meeting between Obama and Duterte, presidential spokesperson Ernesto Abella read an official statement in which the President expressed regret that his profane remark “came across as a personal attack on the US President.” Abella drafted the statement this morning and saved it on his laptop using the file name, “Washington DC: Damage Control.”

Duterte’s Official Statement
(If Duterte was being truthful)

“The meeting between the United States and the Philippines has been mutually agreed upon to be moved to a later date.”
‘Tang inang Obama ‘yan. Ako pa ang tinakot mo. Eh ‘di i-move!

“While the immediate cause was my strong comments to certain press questions that elicited concern and distress, we also regret that it came across as a personal attack on the US President.”
“Pinalaki lang ‘yan ng punyetang media! Bakit?! Sinabi ko bang ‘Putang ina mo Obama?’ Ang sabi ko lang. “Putang ina! Mumurahin kita sa forum na ‘yan!” Napakalaking pagkakaiba nun. ‘Tang ina. Tapos ako ang sisisihin n’yo. Tang ina! Take note… ang sabi ko lang, ‘Tang ina’ huh! ‘Di ko sinabing “‘Tang ina n’yo!” Baka ma-misinterpret n’yo na naman ‘yan. ‘Tang ina!

“Our primary intention is to chart an independent foreign policy while promoting closer ties with all nations, especially the US with which we have had a longstanding partnership.”
‘Tang ina, hindi lang US ang bansa sa mundo. Ulol! Akala n’yo natatakot akong mawalan ng kakampi. Yawa!

“We look forward to ironing out differences arising out of national priorities and perceptions, and working in mutually responsible ways for both countries.”
‘Tang ina. Kung ‘di lang ako nahihiya sa mga adviser ko, hindi ko ilalabas ang statement na ito. Oo, inaamin ko, pinilit lang ako ng mga punyetang ‘yon. Pastilan! Pisti!

Culprit
The Communist Party of the Philippines (CPP), in a statement, has blamed the United States for last week’s Davao City bombing. The statement was released to the media last Sunday although the original draft was written in the ‘70s.
——————————————————————————————————————
“Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.”
~Isaac Newton

Sound Bites
“An independent foreign policy need not result in the disturbance of friendly relations with our traditional allies. To achieve this, tact, not firebrand rhetoric, is key.”
~Party-list Rep. Harry Roque reacting to President Duterte’s attack on Obama and the US

“If I have to face them, you know I can eat humans. I will really open up your body. Just give me vinegar and salt, and I will eat you. That’s true. If you annoy me to the fullest… I will eat you alive. Raw.”
~President Duterte’s warning to the Abu Sayyaf Group

1obamaduts

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: GMA News Online; I Love Quotes]





STRANGER THINGS

2 09 2016

WE THOUGHT it was just fair to get the side of the late former president Ferdinand E. Marcos on the controversial issue of his burial at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. Everyone has spoken about it except for him. So we asked our favorite host, Krissy to do this interview – exclusive!

1MARCOS
Ilocos Norte
12mn, Sept. 1, 2016

“HELLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I’m baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! Ang OA ko ‘no? As if naman may naka-miss. Aha-ha-ha. Sabi talaga ni Bimby this morning, “Mom, do you still have fans?” Nakakalokaaaa! Sarili kong anak, nag-doubt. Hindi ko siya kinaya. I swear.

Anyway, before I proceed to the interview, gusto ko lang sanang linawin ang kumakalat na chismis na aalis na ako sa ABS-CBN. This will be the first and last time na magsasalita ako about it. There’s a rumor kasi na ayaw na raw akong papirmahin ng ABS ng more than two years na contract. Eh I was asking daw for 5 years. At nang ‘di ko raw makuha ang gusto ko, lumipat ako sa APT Entertainment ni Mr. Tuviera ng Eat Bualaga. Ano raw po ba ang totoo? Well, I promised Ate Pinky and Ate Ballsy I wouldn’t talk about the issue bilang respeto na rin sa Dos, so I won’t. Sorry. Aha-ha-ha. Nabitin kayo ‘no?

Nandito nga pala tayo ngayon sa Ilocos Norte. Gosh, kinakabahan ako. As in! Hindi ko teritoryo ‘to – you know that! When I arrived nga this morning sa airport, feeling ko anytime, may babaril sa akin. Aha-ha-ha Excited ako ngayon dahil first time kong makakausap ‘tong guest natin. Kanina nga sa plane sabi ni Darla, “Alam mo Ms Krissy, may something in common ‘yong guest mo today at ‘yong career mo.” Sabi ko, “What?” She replied, “They’re both dead.” I hate you Darla! Punyeta ka! Aha-ha-ha!

Well, ayaw ko nang patagalin pa dahil I was told na kailangang magpahinga ang ating guest. In fact, ni-limit ako sa 7 questions since – ‘di ba nga – obsessed daw siya sa number na ‘yon?! Parang ako lang. Obsessed sa 7. Kumusta na kaya si James Yap? Aha-ha-ha! TMI alert! I hate you self! Aha-ha-ha!

Mga Kapamilya, Kapuso, kababayan, welcome to my strangest interview yet. Please welcome, the late Philippine dictator, Ferdinand E. Marcos! (APPLAUSE)

Ulitemman ti imbagam Ibagam man manen!

Ay! Hindi ako nakakaintindi ng Greek, Mr. President. I beg your pardon?

Sabi ko, pakiulit ang introduction mo.

Gosh, did I say something wrong? Did I mispronounce your name Sir? Sabi ko, ‘Please welcome, the late Philippine DICTATOR, Ferdinand E. Marcos!’ May mali po ba?

Awan ammum! Nag ampep ta pipit mo! Magtanong ka na. Sinasayang mo ang oras ko!

“Krissy, behave. ‘Wag ka nang sumagot. Gumalang ka sa patay. Ikaw na ang magpasensya. Bad mood lang siguro ang lolo mo.”

May sinasabi ka?

Mr. President, ba’t ganyan kaaaaaa? I thought you’re nice pa naman. Anyway, I’ll proceed na nga lang to asking my set of 7 questions. But first, maraming salamat nga pala sa mainit na pagtanggap.

Anong mainit?!? Nang-iinsulto ka ba? Twenty-seven years na akong naninigas sa loob ng freezer na ito! Anong mainit ang pinagsasasabi mo d’yan?! Ukininam!

Pun intended sir. Aha-ha-ha! Grabe ka naman. Ukininam agad? Ang unang tanong ko Mr. President, super idol ka ni Pangulong Duterte. As in! He adores you. Everytime he mentions your name nga, there’s nothing but ‘love love love’ eh. Grabehhhh. Sa tingin mo magagawa niya ang mga nagawa mo?

Kung mamalasin siya, never. Pero kung mamalasin kayo, and I mean, the Filipino people, he’ll even exceed it. Ako na ang nagsasabi: he’s got a lot of potential. Matagal ko na siyang inoobserbahan.

Inoobserbahan from where? From heaven? I doubt.

Gago ka ah! Basta! He’s very promising. At bentang-benta siya sa mga tao. Ganyang-ganyan ako nagsimula. Tandang-tanda ko pa. Hinding-hindi ako pwedeng magkamali. Alam na alam ko ‘yan.

At paulit-ulit talaga ang words na gamit n’yo. Kaloka ka Mr. President. ‘Punta naman tayo kay Bongbong. Alam mo naman ang nangyari last elections. Dinaya raw si Junior mo.

Narinig ko nga. Tawang-tawa ako! Ha-ha-ha-ha Ang dami kong tawa!!! Siguro mga 14 million! Nagrereklamo siya ng pandaraya??? Muntik ko nang masipa ang salamin sa higaan ko. Who would’ve thought? A Marcos is talking AGAINST fraud and cheating???? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha Boom panis! K.thx.bye.

For someone who’s been dead for almost three decades, ang cool mo lang Mr Marcos. Promise. Love na kitaaa! Oops, sorry Dad, Sorry Mom. I was just kidding. Aha-ha-ha. By the way, sikat na sikat na ang inyong apo… si Sandro. Megastar siya ngayon sa social media. Ang daming millennials na gustong makipag-date sa kanya. Kaloka! Nagmana yata ang appeal kay lolo.

Utang na loob, hindi ko ‘yan apo!

But he’s Bongbong’s son!

Anak siya ng anak ko pero hindi ko siya apo! Kailanman ay hindi ko matatanggap na apo ang sinumang may tweet na ganito: CLICK HERE. TANG INA. NAKAKABOBO!

Ang puso mo Sir! Pag-usapan na lang natin ang ultimate lovey dovie mo.

Patay na ako. Konting respeto.

Why? Ano bang sinabi ko Mr. President?

I saw what you did there! Matalino ako. ‘Di mo ako pwedeng gaguhin. Sasabihin mo na naman, “No pun intended.” Huwag mo akong daanin sa pun-pun na ‘yan. PUNyeta ka!

My gosh! Ang init ng ulo! I was supposed to ask something about your ultimate love, the former First Lady. Hayyy. Nakakaloka. Masyadong defensive! Anywy, to be honest, si Mrs Marcos talaga ang ‘di ko kinakaya. Eighty-seven na pero bongga pa rin ang aura kahit wala nang gumagalaw sa kanyang mukha! Well, ‘yong labi naman, keri pa. Pero ang mga kilay, pisngi at noo… gosh. What sorcery is this?

Are you asking or are you insulting?

I am describing! Aha-ha-ha! In fairness, nasagot kita dun Mr. President! Going back to the question, lagi pong nagsisimba si Mrs. Marcos sa Baclaran. Nakasalubong ko pa nga minsan ‘yon eh. Deadma! Hindi siya nag-smile, so umirap din ako. Helllllooooo! Do you think she prays for you?

‘Yun nga sana ang gusto kong iparating sa kanya. Kasi everytime Meldy prays, ang lagi niyang hiling, “Lord, please keep Ferdie safe there in heaven.”

When in fact Sir, nasa hell ka naman talaga, tama?

Tama! I mean, pakyu ka. Wala ako sa hell. Pagala-gala pa rin ako.

Kasi nga, hindi ka pa naililibing? Naka-display ka pa rin d’yan sa freezer…

Freezer na kasinlamig ng pakikitungo sa akin ng Martial Law victims.

Hugot Sir? Once and for all Mr. President, saan mo ba gustong mahimlay? Sa Libingan ng mga Bayani o dito sa Ilocos?

Alam nila ‘yan. Buhay pa ako, sinabi ko na: GUSTO KONG ILIBING NILA AKO SA TABI NG AKING MAHAL NA INA DITO SA ILOCOS. UMOO SILA NOON. ‘TAPOS NGAYON, GUSTO NILA AKONG ILAYO, AT DALHIN SA TAGUIG!

Kailangang all caps? Galit???

OO, GALIT AKO! PAGOD NA PAGOD NA AKO UKINAM. ‘TAPOS MISMONG PAMILYA KO, AYAW AKONG PATAHIMIKIN. ‘YOT NI INAM!

1KRIS

O, Imee, Bongbong… I’m sure you’re watching, ‘wag matitigas ang ulo! Your dad wanted to be buried here naman pala. Kayo lang ‘tong mapilit na iluwas siya sa Libingan ng mga Bayani. Ahhmm, Sir may message ba kayo sa inyong pamilya?

MERON! DIAK INGGAGARA A SAKTAN TI RIKNAYO. PERO KUNG GUSTO N’YO ANG LIBINGAN NG MGA BAYANI… GO AHEAD. KAYO NA LANG ANG IBAON DUN. KAHIT NGAYON NA. ‘DI AKO TUTUTOL. GO!

Nakakaloka! O, mga kababayan, narinig n’yo mismo ang hiling ni late president Marcos. Gusto na niyang matahimik. ‘Wag nang makulit ok?

Nanlalamig na ako. Matagal pa ba?

Last two questions na lang Mr. President. May mga tsismis kasi na hindi ka raw totoo. Wax ka lang daw. Prove them wrong.

Sige. Touch me!

Ayaw.

TOUCH ME!!!

Ayokooo!!!!! Afraid! Wala akong dalang alcohol.

Ang selan mo. Syet ka.

Bakit ba?!? Eh ayoko eh! Eeeew. Last question… In less than two weeks, 99th birth anniversary mo na Mr. President. Grabe! Kung buhay ka pala, bata ka pa sir. Wala ka pang 100!

Ang luma ng joke huh.

I know, right? Aha-ha-ha! So, ano na ang iyong birthday wish Mr President?

Alam ng lahat – maliban na lang siguro sa napakaraming millennials na walang inatupag kundi memes at Facebook chat – na napasakamay ko na lahat ng materyal na bagay sa mundo. Name it, I’ve held it. Kaya sa kaarawan ko ngayong September 11, napakasimple na lang ng aking kahilingan. This may sound cliché pero ito talaga ang wish ko: Good health and long life.

Sir???

Pun intended. He-he

Agyamanak Mr. President. Thank you. Happy birthday and Mabuhay po kayo!

Pun intended too?

Ang kulit n’yo! Ukinam.
———————————————————————————————————————————————–
“It is the bungled crime that brings remorse.”
~P.G. Wodehouse, ‘Love Among the Chickens’

Sound Bites
DOJ Secretary Vitaliano Aguirre boasted that two former employees of Sen. Leila De Lima at the Department of Justice have executed affidavits against her. But one of them, Edna ‘Bogs’ Obuyes has spilled the beans on Aguirre et al. Here’s her statement on Facebook:

1Obuyes

TANONG: Ano ang susunod na mangyayari?
A: “Manlalaban” si Edna
B: Bigla-biglang magpa-positive sa drug test si Edna
C: Mawawala si Edna. Kagagawan ‘yan ni De Lima!
D: Papayagang tumira sa White House sa Camp Crame si Edna ‘tapos after two weeks, state witness na siya against De Lima

To join, just type #FabricatePaMore (space) Letter of Answer (space) Name/Address and send to 666.

Red Flags
On Thursday, DOJ Secretary Vitaliano Aguirre released to the media bank transaction records that would allegedly prove that then DOJ Sec. Leila De Lima ordered her clerks (including Edna Obuyes) to deposit millions of pesos to a bank account under someone else’s name. A netizen was quick to point out “red flags” in the DOJ’s “evidence” though. Bistado.

1emillunasco

Ang evil lang.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Marcos: Reuters; Kris Aquino IG; Edna Obuyes FB; Emil Lunasco FB]





SENATOR DE LIMA GRILLED!

29 08 2016

1dl
THE HOUSE of Representatives is conducting a congressional inquiry into the proliferation of illegal drugs at the New Bilibid Prison. President Duterte’s allies in Congress wanted to grill Sen. Leila De Lima but the feisty senator has rejected their invitation calling it Duterte’s “kangaroo court.”

This morning, a list of questions purportedly drafted by Congress’s super-majority, specifically for De Lima, leaked online. Take a look!

* * * * *

Thank you for accepting our invitation Madam Senator. Hindi na po kami magpapaliguy-ligoy pa.

1: Ilang taon ka nang unang magka-boyfriend?
Follow up:
Smoker ba ang first boyfriend mo?
Sinubukan ba nitong mag-drugs?
Kung oo, inalok ka ba nito?
Kung oo, tinikman mo ba?
Kung oo, nasarapan ka ba?
Kung oo, inulit mo ba?
Kung oo, na-addict ka ba?
Kung oo, nagpa-rehab ka ba?
Kung hindi, masama kang babae. Period.

2: Ilang taon ka nang ma-devirginize?
Follow up:
Boyfriend mo ba ang nakauna sa ‘yo?
Kung oo, pinilit ka ba?
Kung hindi, ikaw ba ang nagyaya?
Kung oo, napilitan lang ba siya?
Kung oo, masama kang babae. Period.

3: Ano ang civil status mo ngayon?
Follow up:
May natanggap kaming report na “It’s Complicated” ang inilagay mong relationship status sa Facebook recently. Binago mo ito pero nakakuha kami ng screen cap ng original status. Pakipaliwanag kung bakit “It’s Complicated.”

4: What is love? Define legally.
Follow up:
Naniniwala ka ba sa forever?
Kung hindi… kami rin.
Kung oo, naka-droga ka ba?
Kung oo, masama kang tao. Period.

5: Sino si Ronnie Dayan sa buhay mo?
Follow up:
Naging “kayo” ba ni Ronnie?
Ano ang theme song n’yo?
Ano ang tawagan n’yo sa isa’t isa: beh o babe?
Kung beh, ano kayo, millennials? ‘Di na kayo nahiya!?!
Hiwalay ka na ba sa asawa mo nang maging “kayo?”
Kung oo, hiwalay na ba siya sa misis niya nang maging “kayo?”
Kung hindi, masama kang babae. Period.

6: Isinasama mo ba si Ronnie Dayan kapag nagsasagawa ka ng inspection sa Bilibid?
Follow up:
Alam mo bang kilala ni Ronnie Dayan ang ilang high profile inmates?
Alam mo rin bang may contact siya sa mga ito?
Alam mo bang tumatanggap siya ng pera mula sa nakakulong na drug lords?
‘Yan ang sabi ng aming binayarang nahagilap na witnesses!
Kung alam mong lahat ‘yan at wala kang ginawa, masama kang babae! Period.
Kung hindi mo naman alam, anong klase kang girlfriend? Hindi mo iniisip ang seguridad ng iyong partner!
Masama ka pa ring babae. Period!

7: Sino si Warren Cristobal at bakit nali-link ka sa kanya?
Follow up:
Ano ang naging reaksyon ni Ronnie Dayan nang malaman niyang kinuha mong security detail si Warren Cristobal?
Nagselos ba siya?
Kung oo, may dapat ba siyang ipagselos?
Kung oo, two-timer!
Masama kang babae. Period.

8: Lagi mong sinasabi, napakahalaga ng human rights. May nagsasabi pang kesyo this government is committing “crime against humanity.” Pero ang tanong nga ni Pangulong Duterte, isipin mo ang mga drug addicts. Are they humans?
Follow up:
Kung ipapagahasa ka namin ngayon sa isang drug addict, ipaglalaban mo pa rin ba ang human rights niya?
Kung hindi, ipokrito ka!
Kung oo, wala ka na talaga sa tamang pag-iisip. Nasa panig ka ng mga kriminal.
Masama kang babae. Period.

9: May we direct your attention to the projected matrix on the wall. Patutunayan ng matrix na ito ang mga sumusunod:
Tuloy ang “bond” sa pagitan n’yo ni Ronnie Dayan.
May kuneksyon si Ronnie Dayan sa isang drug lord.
Ikaw, si Ronnie Dayan at ang isang drug lord ay iisa ang type na palabas.
Isa kang cougar.

1Matrix

Closing:
Madam Senator, kung iyong mapapansin, napakapatas ng ginagawa naming pagdinig. Hindi kami nanghuhusga. Nais lang naming bigyan ka ng pagkakataong makapagpaliwanag.

Sabi ni Mark Twain, “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” Madam Senator, sa bawat tanong, malaya kang makapagbibigay ng pahayag — in 140 characters or less. Kung hindi mo magagawa ‘yan, ibig sabihin, hindi ka nagsasabi ng totoo. Guilty ka sa mga ibinibintang sa ‘yo. Therefore, masama kang babae. Period.
—————————————————————————————————————————-
“To a misogynist: To err is woman.”
~Mokokoma Mokhonoana, philosopher, social critic

Sound Bites
“Kilala n’yo naman ang mga drug lord dito. Puntahan n’yo ang bahay, buhusan n’yo ng gasolina, sigaan ninyo. Ipakita n’yong galit kayo sa kanila. Kilala niyo sino ang drug lord dito. Gusto niyong patayin? Patayin niyo. Pwede kayong pumatay dahil kayo ang biktima.”
~PNP Chief Ronald ‘Bato’ dela Rosa who apologized for making the statement

“The House conducting this inquiry to try me before false witnesses is not democracy. The House conducting this inquiry is Duterte’s kangaroo court conducting the Salem witch trials and burning me at the stake.”
~Sen. Leila De Lima

Stay safe.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Inquirer.net]





UNITED NATION OF IDIOTS

23 08 2016

United-Nations-logo
PRESIDENT RODRIGO Duterte has threatened to leave the United Nations. Last week, UN experts expressed concern over the spate of alleged extrajudicial killings in the country triggered by the government’s anti-illegal drugs campaign.

But an angry Duterte replied, “Maybe we’ll just have to decide to separate from the United Nations. Eh ‘di kung ganyan kayo ka-bastos, putang ina, eh, umalis na ako d’yan sa inyo. Where were you here the last time? Never. Except to criticize. When have you done a good deed to my country?”

Today, the United Nations reacted to the President’s statement.

1BKM

From Rio to Tokyo
The Rio Olympics concluded over the weekend. The next Summer Olympics will be held in 2020 in Tokyo. The Philippines hopes to perform better in the next Summer Games unless of course President Duterte decides to withdraw our membership from the International Olympic Committee.

1Abe
During the #Rio2016 closing ceremonies, Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe came out of a giant pipe as Super Mario – a Nintendo character popularized by the Japanese. In next year’s Miss Universe pageant in Manila, President Duterte will come out of a shanty as a “nanlalabang suspek.”

1Idiots
Idiots
According to President Duterte, some 3.7 million idiots – mostly shabu users – run loose in communities. To be fair though, the number of idiots who uses shabu is much lower than the number of idiots who uses social media.

No Comment
Sen. Leila De Lima has refused to talk about her alleged romantic involvement with her former bodyguard-driver, Ronnie Dayan. The feisty senator declines to answer questions about the status of their “relationship” although recently, she has told some reporters she’s watching the upcoming movie, ‘Camp Sawi.’

Suspended
Sen. JV Ejercito, who is facing graft and technical malversation charges for the alleged misuse of calamity funds when he was still mayor of San Juan City, has been suspended for 90 days by the Sandiganbayan. The suspension has been described as a ‘partial victory’ by taxpayers, anti-graft crusaders, and Jinggoy Estrada.

Funniest
The acting DILG secretary has come up with a list of local government officials who will receive citation for their anti-illegal drugs campaign. Some find the inclusion of Politician No. 1 funny although Politician No. 8 is by far the “funniest.”

1Funniest

Moral of the Story: Read carefully before you sign anything.
________________________________________________________________________________
“Flirting with madness was one thing; when madness started flirting back, it was time to call the whole thing off.”
~Rohinton Mistry, A Fine Balance

Climate Change
Reporter: Sir, ano pong paghahanda ang gagawin ng pamahalaan? Mas malalakas daw ang paparating na bagyo dahil sa La Niña. Sa sobrang init kasi, natunaw na ang mga yelo sa Antarctica!

Duterte: Eh bastos ang putang inang araw na ‘yan eh! When have you done a good deed to my country? Never. Except to bring El Niño and skin cancer. Umalis na lang tayo sa Solar System!”

Sound Bites
“I can assure you that he remains committed to the United Nations, of which the Philippines is one of the founding members, and to the purposes and objectives that this august body stands for.”
~DFA Sec. Perfecto Yasay Jr., one of President Duterte’s interpreters

Love will keep us alive.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: United Nation: UN; DILG List: @xtinamen; PM Shinzo Abe: Getty Images]





IMORAL! ADIK! BOBO! ATBP. KWENTO

17 08 2016

1Duperfect
THINK YOU’RE UPDATED? Find out by answering this current events fun quiz. Kapag na-perfect n’yo, bibigyan kayo ng puwesto sa gobyerno. ‘Yan naman ang uso! Good luck!

1: Sa kanyang talumpati sa Camp Crame, tinawag na “immoral woman” ni President Duterte si Sen. Leila De Lima dahil may “lover” daw ito. Bakit ito nasabi ng Pangulo?
A: Dahil sa panahong ito, mas tanggap ng mga Pilipino ang pumatay ka kaysa magkaroon ka ng kabit
B: May karapatang magsabi ng gano’n ang Presidente dahil never siyang nambabae. Perfect husband siya.
C: Actually, nagbibiro lang ang Pangulo; pampaingay lang ‘yon para ma-promote ang bago niyang showbiz-oriented talk show sa Channel 4.

1MarcosPhilstar
2: Ayon kay Manny Pacquiao (na ibinoto n’yong senador), dapat ilibing sa Libingan ng mga Bayani ang namayapang diktador na si Ferdinand Marcos. Paliwanag ni Manny, “Huwag tayong magalit kung anuman ang nagawa niya.” Bakit daw?
A: Dahil mga bobo tayo
B: Dahil paninira lamang ‘yon kay Marcos
C: Dahil sabi raw sa Romans 12:5, “Ang ‘di mag-move on, bitter!”

1MP
3: Still on Pacquiao, sa kanyang kauna-unahang privilege speech bilang senador, inihayag nito ang suporta niya sa death penalty. Ayon kay Manny…
A: “Si God nga pinatay halos lahat ng tao sa buong mundo sa pamamagitan ng baha, tayo pa kaya?”
B: “Masyado nang maraming bobo at istupido sa bansang ito. Magbawas tayo.”
C: “Kahit naman walang death penalty, marami na ring pinapatay ngayon. So parang ganun na rin. Sanayan lang!”

1KBordador
4: Anong lesson ang mapupulot sa pagkakaaresto sa magkasintahang drug suspects na sina Karen Bordador at Emilio Lim?
A: Hindi marunong “manlaban” ang mga suspect na nakatira sa condo.
B: Kapag mababango, mugshots. Kapag dugyutin, shots lang.
C: Kapag may pangalan, mugshots. Kapag nameless, cardboard.

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5: Nag-leave na ang kapatid ni Quezon City Mayor Herbert Bautista na si Councilor Hero Bautista upang magpa-rehab. Sa privilege speech sa harap ng konseho, sinabi ni Hero na “biktima” siya ng droga. Ano kaya ang reaksyon ng droga?
A: “Biktima?!? Kami ba ang lumapit? Kami ba ang gumamit?! Nakakaloka ka!”
B: “There’s a Hero… if you look inside your heart. You don’t have to be afraid of what you are.”
C: “Sisihin talaga kami?! Pwes, dahil marupok ka naman pala, magpalit ka na ng pangalan. Victim Bautista, mas bagay sa ‘yo ‘yan. Tse!”

1JoeySal
6: Ayon kay Albay Governor Joey Salceda, ano raw ang dapat sisihin sa paglala ng traffic ngayon sa EDSA?
A: Lumalaking populasyon ng mga bading
B: Kotse ng mga pulitikong balimbing
C: Lubak-lubak na kalsada

1Schooling
7: Matapos iuwi ng swimmer na si Joseph Schooling ang kauna-unahang gold medal ng Singapore sa Summer Olympics, sinaliksik ng local media ang buhay nito at napag-alaman nilang Filipina ang yayang nagpalaki sa atleta: si Yolanda Pascual. Pero alam n’yo bang may “kunek” din pala sa Pilipinas ang pinakamahusay ngayong female Olympic gymnast na si Simone Biles ng US? Hulaan n’yo kung ano.
A: Ang biological parents ni Simone Biles ay may kapitbahay na South Korean na laging kumakain sa restaurant kung saan nagtatrabaho ang kanyang best friend na Mexican na ang ex-boyfriend ay minsang may nakasabay na Pinoy sa CR! Amazing!
B: Si Simone Biles ay may height lamang na 4’9” na ‘di nalalayo sa height na 4’11” ng dating pangulo ng Pilipinas na si Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo. Ang lapit!
C: Si Simone Biles ay mula Milky Way Galaxy kung saan located ang ating Solar System na kinaroroonan ng planetang Earth kung saan matatagpuan ang Estados Unidos na bahagi ng Asia-Pacific Region na kinabibilangan din ng Pilipinas. Nakaka-proud!

1Ellen
8: Inakusahan ng pagiging racist si Ellen DeGeneres dahil sa picture na ito na lumabas sa official Twitter account ng kanyang talk show. Ano ba ang sabi niya sa tweet?
A: “My new pet is amazing!”
B: “Horsin’ around before our taping.”
C: “Off to the jungle!”

1Chiz
9: Ano ang ibig sabihin nito?! Paki-explain!
A: Ito ang unang phase ng transition ni Senator Chiz. Supportive naman si Heart – in fairness.
B: Tapos na ang special course niya sa TESDA. OJT na.
C: Confeeeeeeeeermed!

1Romance
10: Sa Cagayan De Oro City, ipinagbabawal ng Golden Heritage Polytechnic College ang pagkakaroon ng “intimate relationship” sa pagitan ng mga lalaki at mga babaeng estudyante. Ano ang masasabi n’yo?
A: Puwede bang itama muna ang grammar sa tarp bago pakialaman ang personal na buhay ng mga estudyante?!
B: Kung bawal ang relasyon sa pagitan ng male and female students, pwede bang male to male o female to female? #LoveWins
C: Sa nakaisip ng panuntunang ‘yan: huwag kang bitter! Kung masama ang experience mo noon, huwag kang mandamay! Pangit!

Bonus Question: Kaninong diet ito?
1Diet
A: Sen. Franklin Drilon
B: Olympic silver medalist Hidilyn Diaz
C: Jessy Mendiola
Guess first then click here for the answer.
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“A hypocrite is the kind of politician who would cut down a redwood tree, then mount the stump and make a speech for conservation.”
~Adlai E. Stevenson II

Sound Bites
“It’s so foul, it’s character assassination. We are both professionals, the President and I. We are both public servants. I hope he doesn’t resort to those foul means. To me, that’s very foul.”
~Sen. Leila De Lima on President Duterte’s personal tirades

Stay safe.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte: Inquirer.Net; Karen Bordador/BF: PNP-PIO; Marcos: Edd Gumban/Philstar; Hero Bautista: Richard Reyes/PDI; Manny Pacquiao: Grig Montegrande/PDI; Salceda: GMA Network; Yolanda/Schooling: Singtel; The Ellen Show; CDO: ABSCBNNews; Heart/Chiz: Happy Skin]





TYPHOONS 2016: The Complete List

12 08 2016

philippines-extrajudicial-killings
IT’S TYPHOON season again in the Philippines. Narito ang listahan ng mga bagyo ngayong taong ito. Gawin ang kaukulang pag-iingat.

Typhoon Duterte
Pabugsu-bugso ngunit napakalakas. Maraming iniiwang patay sa mga lugar na dinadaanan. Mapanganib lalo na sa mga ordinaryo at mahihirap na naninirahan sa matataong lugar.

Typhoon Duterte II
Predictable ang galaw ng bagyong ito. Hahagupit ‘tapos magbabago ng ihip ng hangin ‘tapos hahataw na naman. Nalilito tuloy ang mga weather specialists at nauuwi sa iba’t ibang interpretasyon ang kanilang forecast.

Typhoon Gloria
Nakaalis na ang bagyong ito ngunit muling bumalik at patuloy na lumalakas.

Typhoon Marcos
Maraming pinatay at pinahirapan ang bagyong ito. Hanggang ngayon, marami pa rin ang nawawala. Sagaran din ang pinsalang idinulot nito sa ekonomiya. Ang nakalulungkot lang, iba ang kumakalat na impormasyon ngayon: dapat pa nga raw pasalamatan ang dalang ulan ng bagyong ito dahil naiwasan ang tagtuyot sa ilang lugar.

Typhoon Gina Lopez
Matindi ang bagyong ito lalo na kapag nag-landfall. Kadalasang tumatama ang sentro ng bagyo sa ang mga minahan.

Typhoon Andanar
Kulog at kidlat pa lang nito, mahuhulog ka na raw sa upuan. Mapapaiyak ka rin umano sa dala nitong ulan. But don’t worry, sa forecast lang naman ‘yan. Sa totoong buhay, sakto lang naman.

Typhoon Bato
Enjoy na enjoy ang bagyong ito lalo na kapag pinag-uusapan at napi-feature sa mga reports at interviews sa media. Matitindi rin ang mga buntot ng bagyong ito. Take cover ka na lang at ‘wag na ‘wag ‘manlalaban.’

Typhoon Panelo
Isang lumang sama ng panahon na nakaipon ng sapat na lakas recently lang kaya’t na-classify bilang bagyo. ‘Wag n’yo na lang katakutan. ‘Di naman siya talaga kalakasan. Feeling lang niya.

Typhoon Bongbong
Ang buntot ng Typhoon Marcos. Muntik nang manalasa sa bansa ngunit maagang namonitor ng PAGASA ang galaw kaya’t nakapaghanda ang mga tao. May panganib pa ring dala at posibleng bumalik kaya pinapayuhang maging vigilant ang publiko.

Typhoon Binay
Ang palatandaang paparating ang bagyong ito ay ang nakakatakot na pagdidilim ng kalangitan. Napakalakas ng bagyong ito. BEFORE. Nang pumasok ang Typhoon Duterte, na-push ito papalayo at tuluyan nang humina.

Typhoon Joma
Napakatagal nang binago ang kategorya ng weather disturbance na ito. Mula sa pagiging typhoon, na-classify ito bilang low pressure area na lamang. Ngunit kung kumilos ay astang bagyo pa rin ito kahit wala na sa Philippine Area of Responsibility.

Typhoon Pacquiao
Huwag magtaka kung mamatay ka pagdaan ng bagyong ito. Tandaan: Pabor si God sa death penalty kaya ‘pag namatay ka, ibig sabihin, kagustuhan ni God ‘yon. Pinarurusahan ka niya. Nasa Bible ‘yan. Check n‘yo.

Typhoon Pacquiao II
Maraming factors kung bakit nabubuo ang isang bagyo. Sa kaso ng bagyong ito, walang dapat sisihin kundi ang kapabayaan at katangahan na rin ng mga tao. Sisihin n’yo ang mga sarili n’yo. Mga gunggong!

Typhoon Mocha
Ang bagyong walang masyadong ulan – pero mahangin. That’s all. Thank you!
———————————————————————————————————————————————-
“Arrogance combined with stubbornness is a ticking bomb.”
~Unarine Ramaru

Sound Bites
“Sana nga, sabun-sabunan niya yung bibig niya dahil medyo naliligaw na naman.”
~Prof. Clarita Carlos, political analyst on President Duterte who recently called the US ambassador “bakla” and “son of a bitch”

Elsewhere
An emphatic minority by Shakira Sison
“Hello there! Here is my homeland, where the evening news proudly announces body counts. Where the daily number of casualties now equals great success. It’s the only place in the world where death means winning a war, the only country whose people are fine with civilians being killed on the spot.”

No to extrajudicial killing!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: Typhoon: Charism Sayat/AFP Photo; EJK: Reuters]





WHO CARES?!

6 08 2016

1Rio
THE 31st Summer Olympics is underway in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. The Philippines has yet to win a gold medal in the quadrennial meet. This year, we sent 13 Filipino athletes to Rio. Realistically speaking though, our only chance of winning gold right now is if extrajudicial killing would be made an Olympic sport.

Who cares?
According to the Philippine Daily Inquirer, some 660 drug suspects have been killed to date: 436 in police operations and 224 by unidentified assailants. On the rising death toll, President Duterte, said Thursday, “I do not care. I really don’t care.” But on Friday evening, the President acknowledged the abuses in the battle against illegal drugs – for the very first time – fueling speculations he was high on drugs.

Shoot-to-Kill
President Duterte has issued a ‘shoot-to-kill’ order against politicians a.k.a. narcopoliticos who are allegedly involved in the illegal drugs trade. Malacañang reveals two of those narcopoliticos have actually visited President Duterte and cried in front of him. To be fair, small time pushers and addicts don’t cry. But their widows and orphans do.

Improving
A Social Weather Stations survey conducted from June 24 to 27 revealed there are fewer poor Filipinos right now. Congratulations President Duterte and General Bato De La Rosa. Success!

1bato
Mascot
The Philippine National Police recently launched its new mascot – PO1 Bato, a bald cop in full uniform. During the press launch, it got a bit awkward though when reporters noted that the PNP chief was behaving like a mascot more than the actual mascot did.

Shots Fired, Again
President Duterte has yet again mocked Netherlands-based Communist leader Jose Ma. Sison,. The President says Sison speaks as if he’s somebody when in reality he cannot even control a barangay. To be specific, “remote control” a barangay.

Joke
The Bureau of Customs clarified that the reported appointment of sexy performer Mocha Uson as a social media consultant was just a joke. But such joke was no laughing matter because… she’s the bomb!

Top 5 Recommended Appointees Who Will (Probably) Perform Better Than Mocha Uson

No. 5: Department of Science and Technology: Nanette Inventor

No. 4: PAGASA’s Astronomy Section (Planetarium): Zenaida Seva

No. 3: Lolit Solis: SOLICITor General

No. 2: Tim Yap and Raymond Gutierrez: Integrated Bar of the Philippines

And the No. 1 recommended appointee who will probably perform better than Mocha Uson:

Robin Padilla: ‘Tol Regulatory Board

1Marcos
Hero’s Burial
Losing vice presidential candidate Bongbong Marcos claims President Duterte has given his family the go signal to bury the late dictator Ferdinand Marcos at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. The burial will reportedly take place on Sept. 18 – which, incidentally has been declared ‘Let’s Pretend that Martial Law Didn’t Happen’ Day.

Hero?
Most millennials do not know who Ferdinand Marcos is. They’re only familiar with, ONE: the body on display at the Marcos mausoleum, and TWO, online stories about his World War II medals. And those two have something in common. Fake.

Water Sport
As I’ve mentioned earlier, the Summer Olympics has officially kicked off in Rio. In aquatic sports, the first gold medal has been awarded to Orlando Bloom.

Fad
Pokemon G0, the popular, free-to-play mobile app has been officially launched in the Philippines. And I don’t care. I really don’t care.

Pokemon G0 has been launched in the country. Game-loving Filipinos will soon be looking for pocket monsters – a sort of diversion for those who have gotten tired of looking for love.
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“It is hard to talk about a middle ground for something that is a fundamental right.”
~Teri Reynolds

Sound Bites
“Shoot on sight means – just because you suspect someone or the President declared someone is a drug lord and you will kill him… that’s a violation of law. If they do that, then that would clearly be murder.”
~Sen. Panfilo Lacson on President Duterte’s shoot-on-sight order

“Itong si [Joma] Sison, nagbubula-bula ang baba, laway niya lumulusot doon sa screen. Akala mo naman kung sino magsalita. Ni hindi nga sila makahawak ng isang barangay.”
~President Duterte on self-exiled Communist leader Jose Ma. Sison

Stay safe. Stay alive. Huwag manlalaban.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: New York Times; PNP Mascot: Philippine Star; Marcos: Getty Images]





LIGHTS, CAMERA, SONA!

27 07 2016

1duterte2
PRESIDENT DUTERTE delivered his first State of the Nation Address before the joint session of Congress last Monday. Some analysts described it as “historic.” In fact, some were saying it was so special, Communications Secretary Martin Andanar hasn’t stopped crying.

Two days before the SONA, Secretary Andanar told the media the President’s speech would “awaken the patriot in every Filipino.” I’m not sure about that but the speech definitely awakened the stand-up comic in President Duterte.

Before Monday’s event, Communications Secretary Martin Andanar said the draft of President Duterte’s speech made him cry, and added, “May announcement sa SONA na makalaglag-upuan.” This just in: Brillante Mendoza has found a new dramatic actor for his next project.

PNP Chief Ronald ‘Bato’ De La Rosa reported a downward trend in crime in the metro. Of course, that could change – now that Congress is back.

1sona
Opening
President Duterte opened his speech by saying, “I will not waste precious time blaming those who are perceived to be responsible for the mess that we are in and suffering from. Finger-pointing is not the way.” To which, former president Noynoy Aquino said, “Inaano ba kita?”

President Duterte clarified though, “Those who betrayed the people’s trust shall not go unpunished.” Former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo couldn’t stop laughing at the President’s opening joke.

The President also said, “We cannot move forward if we allow the past to pull us back.” So, time to forget your ex. Move on. Find someone else.

Causes
According to the President, when he decided to seek the presidency, he knew what the ills of our country were; he knew their causes, and he was briefed on who caused the causes. The TV cameras then panned to the seated lawmakers in the session hall. Well played Direk Brillante, well played!

Love Not Hate
President Duterte also appealed, “If we cannot, as yet, love one another… let us not hate each other too much.” Duterte diehards and Carlos Celdran replied, “Try namin huh.”

Ceasefire
In his SONA, President Duterte declared a unilateral ceasefire with the Communist Party of the Philippines. It was overshadowed though by Duterte’s earlier declaration of a ceasefire with Sen. Leila De Lima.

President Duterte has declared a unilateral ceasefire with the CPP. He failed to declare ceasefire though with the CBCP.

RH Law
The President also ordered the full implementation of the Responsible Parenthood and Reproductive Health Law. And Tito Sotto was like, “Hello Mr. President. Pakiulit. ‘Di kita marinig. Choppy ka. Choppy.”

1brillante
The Director
Brillante Mendoza directed the TV coverage of President Duterte’s SONA. In fact, he gave Monday’s event a title. He called it “Ma’ Rody.”

Reacting to criticisms of his directing style during the SONA, Brillante Mendoza said, “Hindi naman lahat ng nanood admittedly ay film literate.” By the way, directing the SONA was the closest he could get to having a blockbuster project.

In case you didn’t know, Brillante Mendoza was the 62nd Cannes Film Festival best director. He won for his controversial film, ‘Kinatay’ – an indie drama which was shown in the Philippines in 2009 and seen by a dozen film literates.

Pic of the Weak
1GMA

“Hello netishensh! Alam ko ang iniiship n’yo! Mga walanghiya kayo. Umamin kayo! Ito ‘yon ‘no? Click n’yo!”
___________________________________________________________________________________
“Promises are only as strong as the person who gives them.”
~Stephen Richards

Sound Bites
“Hindi ko nga alam bakit nandito ako ngayon. Noon nandoon lang ako o. Totoo man. Sino man nagsuporta sa inyo sa akin dito? Wala man? [LAUGHS] Not a single congressman. Except for two provinces, governor. ‘Yun lang. Wala akong barangay captain. Wala akong… wala lahat. Pero ngayon… [LAUGHS].
~President Duterte talking about the opportunist turncoats in front of him #BURN

“Hindi naman lahat ng nanood admittedly ay film literate, pero ‘pag babasahin mo ‘yung mga sinabi ng mga film literate ay matutuwa ka.”
~Brillante Mendoza, #SONA2016 director

‘k.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte/SONA: Rappler; Brillante Mendoza: Malacañang]





LEAKED: DUTERTE’S 1ST SONA (EXCLUSIVE)

22 07 2016

A DRAFT of President Rodrigo Duterte’s First State of the Nation Address was sent to this blogger. Here are [unedited] excerpts of the speech. Exclusive!

dd

State of the Nation Address
of
Rodrigo R. Duterte
President of the Philippines

[To be delivered at the Session Hall of the House of Representatives, Batasang Pambansa Complex, Quezon City on July 28, 2016]

SPEAKER PANTALEON Alvarez, Senate President Aquilino ‘Koko’ Pimentel III, Vice President Leni Robredo, Chief Justice Maria Lourdes Sereno, former presidents Fidel V. Ramos, Joseph Ejercito Estrada and Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo… (BOISTEROUS APPLAUSE)

Ma’am, puwede po bang tumayo kayo? Na-miss yata kayo ng inyong mga kasamahan dito sa Kongreso. (MORE APPLAUSE)

[Shobra ka naman Digong. Nakatayo na ako.] (CANNED LAUGHTER)

Palakpakan po ulit natin, former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo! (APPLAUSE)

Members of the House of Representatives and the Senate; distinguished members of the diplomatic corps; fellow workers in government,

Mga minamahal kong kababayan…

Change has come. (5-MINUTE APPLAUSE, STANDING OVATION)

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Magsasalita ba ako o papalakpak na lang kayo maghapon? (CANNED LAUGHTER/APPLAUSE)

Before I continue, gusto ko munang batiin si former president Noynoy Aquino na nanonood sa Times Street. Noy, huwag kang mag-alala ngayong hapon. Hindi ko sisisihin ang iyong administrasyon. (APPLAUSE)

As I have promised, hindi ko na hahabaan ang aking speech. Napakahalaga ng bawat segundo sa akin. Inaamin ko, ako ang nag-utos na tigilan na ang taunang fashion show sa red carpet sa labas. Sinasayang nito ang ating oras. (APPLAUSE)

Tingnan n’yo ang inyong mga sarili ngayong hapon. Napakaayos. Mukha kayong public servants na nag-oopisina. Samantalang dati kapag SONA, para kayong shoppers sa isang SM boutique – ang KULTURA. (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Kamakailan ay naipanalo natin ang arbitration case laban sa China. (APPLAUSE) Ang sabi ng Beijing noong isang linggo, “Sige, usap tayo. Pero i-disregard n’yo muna ang hatol.” Ulol! (APPLAUSE)

May natatanggap na batikos si DFA Sec. Perfecto Yasay Jr. nitong mga nakaraang araw. Pero ako na mismo ang magsasabi sa inyo… hinding-hindi natin isusuko ang claim sa pinag-aagawang mga isla! (APPLAUSE) At lalo namang hindi natin uurungan ang China! (STANDING OVATION)

* * * * *

Noong Biyernes sa isang drug raid sa Valenzuela, napatay natin ang big time Chinese drug lord na si Meco Tan. China: 0, Philippines: 1. (APPLAUSE)

PULIS
Noong kampanya, kung natatandaan n’yo, I promised to kill five criminals PER WEEK para maresolba ang problema sa peace and order! Humihingi po ako ng paumanhin at hindi ko natupad ang aking pangako. Dahil sa latest data ng PNP, mula nang ako ay maupo, ang napapatay PER DAY ay sampu! (APPLAUSE/STANDING OVATION)

Sabi nila, ‘Justice delayed is justice denied.’ Sang-ayon ako d’yan! Kaya’t mabilis ang pagkilos ng ating kapulisan. Wala nang Mira-Miranda rights sa hulihan! Diretso agad sa kulungan! ‘Wag ka lang manlalaban or else… condolence na lang! (APPLAUSE)

Marami ang nagsasabi, pinapatay ng kapulisan ang mga pusher at addict. Hindi raw nabibigyan ng pagkakataong ma-reform ang mga nalulong sa drugs. Liar! Hindi ba’t binigyan ko ng second chance si Ka Freddie Aguilar? (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Matapos ang eleksyon, nanawagan akong simulan ang healing sa buong bansa. Anuman ang naging kasalanan, dapat nang magkapatawaran. Nakinig naman ang Korte Suprema sa aking panawagan. Ayun… si GMA, pinakawalan. (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Noong isang linggo, nag-crack ang aspalto sa runway ng NAIA. Napamura ako. Sabi ko, “Pati ba naman runway nagdo-droga? Nagka-‘crack’ eh.” (NO REACTION)

Joke ‘yun. ‘Tang ina n’yo, tumawa kayo! (CANNED LAUGHTER/APPLAUSE)

Nang mag-crack ang NAIA runway, maraming pasahero ang naperwisyo. Maraming flights ang na-delay. Kaagad nag-sorry si Secretary Arthur Tugade. Meron ba kaming ibang sinisi? Wala. Baka sabihin naman ni Noynoy, wala kaming originality. (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Natutuwa rin ako dahil last week sa Pampanga… halos limampung miyembro ng New People’s Army ang nagsisuko. Bakit pa nga naman sila lalaban sa gobyerno kung mga kaalyado na nila ang nakaupo? (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Nalulungkot ako kapag may mga kababayan tayong umaalis at iniiwan ang kanilang mga mahal sa buhay. Ipinapangako ko, gagawa kami ng paraan upang sa susunod na mga taon ay wala nang umalis. Wala nang mang-iiwan. Maraming salamat nga pala sa tulong ng Sandiganbayan. Naglabas ito ng hold departure order laban sa mag-amang Binay! Walang aalis! Walang mang-iiwan! (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Humahanga tayo sa mga Pilipinong doble ang pagsisikap upang umunlad ang kanilang pamumuhay. Hindi sila nakukuntento sa iisang trabaho. Nasa Senado na, magboboksing pa. Manny Pacquiao, mabuhay ka! (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Baka sabihin n’yo puro masasamang balita ang lumalabas tungkol sa bansa: droga, shootout, extrajudicial killings. Pwes, pagandahin natin! Ngayong darating na 2017, ang Miss Universe pageant dito gaganapin! (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Ayaw ko namang magyabang pero mula nang kami ay maupo, hindi pa nasisira ang MRT o LRT. Wala pa naman kaming ginagawang bago. Divine intervention siguro ‘yan. Dasal lang talaga, dasal lang. (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Kahapon, may nabasa ako sa Internet. Bakit daw ang lagi lang nilang nakikita sa balita: “Pusher ako, ‘wag tularan.” Bakit daw walang, “Corrupt ako, ‘wag tularan!” Napaisip ako. May point nga naman. So, bakit ‘di natin sampolan? Sa hapong ito… bibigyan ko ng pagkakataong sumuko ang mga corrupt na nasa Batasan. Huwag n’yong hintaying tawagin ko ang inyong mga pangalan. Pagkatapos na pagkatapos ng aking speech, lahat ng corrupt, maiiwan! (NO REACTION)

‘Tang ina n’yo! Palakpak naman d’yan! (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Bago ako tuluyang magtapos, maraming salamat nga pala sa 91 percent na nagtitiwala sa akin at nagmamahal. Sa 9 percent na ‘di nagtitiwala, wala akong pakialam sa inyo mga Liberal! (APPLAUSE)

Hangang dito na lamang at Mabuhay ang Pilipinas! (APPLAUSE/STANDING OVATION)
————————————————————————————————————————————-
“Some things you don’t have to promise. You just do.”
~Rick Yancey, The 5th Wave

Sound Bites
“I denounce in the highest possible terms this latest demolition job linking me to maximum security inmate Jaybee Sebastian or to any other convicted or suspected drug lord or operator now or in the past. May I suggest for Calida to stop his fixation on ‘Throwback Thursday’ photos of me, and instead just start doing his real job of reading the 501-page decision on the West Philippine Sea case.”
~Sen. Leila De Lima on the latest demolition job against her

Have a safe weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: Duterte: Philstar.com; Victim: DZMM Teleradyo]








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