UNITED NATION OF IDIOTS

23 08 2016

United-Nations-logo
PRESIDENT RODRIGO Duterte has threatened to leave the United Nations. Last week, UN experts expressed concern over the spate of alleged extrajudicial killings in the country triggered by the government’s anti-illegal drugs campaign.

But an angry Duterte replied, “Maybe we’ll just have to decide to separate from the United Nations. Eh ‘di kung ganyan kayo ka-bastos, putang ina, eh, umalis na ako d’yan sa inyo. Where were you here the last time? Never. Except to criticize. When have you done a good deed to my country?”

Today, the United Nations reacted to the President’s statement.

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From Rio to Tokyo
The Rio Olympics concluded over the weekend. The next Summer Olympics will be held in 2020 in Tokyo. The Philippines hopes to perform better in the next Summer Games unless of course President Duterte decides to withdraw our membership from the International Olympic Committee.

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During the #Rio2016 closing ceremonies, Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe came out of a giant pipe as Super Mario – a Nintendo character popularized by the Japanese. In next year’s Miss Universe pageant in Manila, President Duterte will come out of a shanty as a “nanlalabang suspek.”

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Idiots
According to President Duterte, some 3.7 million idiots – mostly shabu users – run loose in communities. To be fair though, the number of idiots who uses shabu is much lower than the number of idiots who uses social media.

No Comment
Sen. Leila De Lima has refused to talk about her alleged romantic involvement with her former bodyguard-driver, Ronnie Dayan. The feisty senator declines to answer questions about the status of their “relationship” although recently, she has told some reporters she’s watching the upcoming movie, ‘Camp Sawi.’

Suspended
Sen. JV Ejercito, who is facing graft and technical malversation charges for the alleged misuse of calamity funds when he was still mayor of San Juan City, has been suspended for 90 days by the Sandiganbayan. The suspension has been described as a ‘partial victory’ by taxpayers, anti-graft crusaders, and Jinggoy Estrada.

Funniest
The acting DILG secretary has come up with a list of local government officials who will receive citation for their anti-illegal drugs campaign. Some find the inclusion of Politician No. 1 funny although Politician No. 8 is by far the “funniest.”

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Moral of the Story: Read carefully before you sign anything.
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“Flirting with madness was one thing; when madness started flirting back, it was time to call the whole thing off.”
~Rohinton Mistry, A Fine Balance

Climate Change
Reporter: Sir, ano pong paghahanda ang gagawin ng pamahalaan? Mas malalakas daw ang paparating na bagyo dahil sa La Niña. Sa sobrang init kasi, natunaw na ang mga yelo sa Antarctica!

Duterte: Eh bastos ang putang inang araw na ‘yan eh! When have you done a good deed to my country? Never. Except to bring El Niño and skin cancer. Umalis na lang tayo sa Solar System!”

Sound Bites
“I can assure you that he remains committed to the United Nations, of which the Philippines is one of the founding members, and to the purposes and objectives that this august body stands for.”
~DFA Sec. Perfecto Yasay Jr., one of President Duterte’s interpreters

Love will keep us alive.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: United Nation: UN; DILG List: @xtinamen; PM Shinzo Abe: Getty Images]





IMORAL! ADIK! BOBO! ATBP. KWENTO

17 08 2016

1Duperfect
THINK YOU’RE UPDATED? Find out by answering this current events fun quiz. Kapag na-perfect n’yo, bibigyan kayo ng puwesto sa gobyerno. ‘Yan naman ang uso! Good luck!

1: Sa kanyang talumpati sa Camp Crame, tinawag na “immoral woman” ni President Duterte si Sen. Leila De Lima dahil may “lover” daw ito. Bakit ito nasabi ng Pangulo?
A: Dahil sa panahong ito, mas tanggap ng mga Pilipino ang pumatay ka kaysa magkaroon ka ng kabit
B: May karapatang magsabi ng gano’n ang Presidente dahil never siyang nambabae. Perfect husband siya.
C: Actually, nagbibiro lang ang Pangulo; pampaingay lang ‘yon para ma-promote ang bago niyang showbiz-oriented talk show sa Channel 4.

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2: Ayon kay Manny Pacquiao (na ibinoto n’yong senador), dapat ilibing sa Libingan ng mga Bayani ang namayapang diktador na si Ferdinand Marcos. Paliwanag ni Manny, “Huwag tayong magalit kung anuman ang nagawa niya.” Bakit daw?
A: Dahil mga bobo tayo
B: Dahil paninira lamang ‘yon kay Marcos
C: Dahil sabi raw sa Romans 12:5, “Ang ‘di mag-move on, bitter!”

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3: Still on Pacquiao, sa kanyang kauna-unahang privilege speech bilang senador, inihayag nito ang suporta niya sa death penalty. Ayon kay Manny…
A: “Si God nga pinatay halos lahat ng tao sa buong mundo sa pamamagitan ng baha, tayo pa kaya?”
B: “Masyado nang maraming bobo at istupido sa bansang ito. Magbawas tayo.”
C: “Kahit naman walang death penalty, marami na ring pinapatay ngayon. So parang ganun na rin. Sanayan lang!”

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4: Anong lesson ang mapupulot sa pagkakaaresto sa magkasintahang drug suspects na sina Karen Bordador at Emilio Lim?
A: Hindi marunong “manlaban” ang mga suspect na nakatira sa condo.
B: Kapag mababango, mugshots. Kapag dugyutin, shots lang.
C: Kapag may pangalan, mugshots. Kapag nameless, cardboard.

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5: Nag-leave na ang kapatid ni Quezon City Mayor Herbert Bautista na si Councilor Hero Bautista upang magpa-rehab. Sa privilege speech sa harap ng konseho, sinabi ni Hero na “biktima” siya ng droga. Ano kaya ang reaksyon ng droga?
A: “Biktima?!? Kami ba ang lumapit? Kami ba ang gumamit?! Nakakaloka ka!”
B: “There’s a Hero… if you look inside your heart. You don’t have to be afraid of what you are.”
C: “Sisihin talaga kami?! Pwes, dahil marupok ka naman pala, magpalit ka na ng pangalan. Victim Bautista, mas bagay sa ‘yo ‘yan. Tse!”

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6: Ayon kay Albay Governor Joey Salceda, ano raw ang dapat sisihin sa paglala ng traffic ngayon sa EDSA?
A: Lumalaking populasyon ng mga bading
B: Kotse ng mga pulitikong balimbing
C: Lubak-lubak na kalsada

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7: Matapos iuwi ng swimmer na si Joseph Schooling ang kauna-unahang gold medal ng Singapore sa Summer Olympics, sinaliksik ng local media ang buhay nito at napag-alaman nilang Filipina ang yayang nagpalaki sa atleta: si Yolanda Pascual. Pero alam n’yo bang may “kunek” din pala sa Pilipinas ang pinakamahusay ngayong female Olympic gymnast na si Simone Biles ng US? Hulaan n’yo kung ano.
A: Ang biological parents ni Simone Biles ay may kapitbahay na South Korean na laging kumakain sa restaurant kung saan nagtatrabaho ang kanyang best friend na Mexican na ang ex-boyfriend ay minsang may nakasabay na Pinoy sa CR! Amazing!
B: Si Simone Biles ay may height lamang na 4’9” na ‘di nalalayo sa height na 4’11” ng dating pangulo ng Pilipinas na si Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo. Ang lapit!
C: Si Simone Biles ay mula Milky Way Galaxy kung saan located ang ating Solar System na kinaroroonan ng planetang Earth kung saan matatagpuan ang Estados Unidos na bahagi ng Asia-Pacific Region na kinabibilangan din ng Pilipinas. Nakaka-proud!

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8: Inakusahan ng pagiging racist si Ellen DeGeneres dahil sa picture na ito na lumabas sa official Twitter account ng kanyang talk show. Ano ba ang sabi niya sa tweet?
A: “My new pet is amazing!”
B: “Horsin’ around before our taping.”
C: “Off to the jungle!”

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9: Ano ang ibig sabihin nito?! Paki-explain!
A: Ito ang unang phase ng transition ni Senator Chiz. Supportive naman si Heart – in fairness.
B: Tapos na ang special course niya sa TESDA. OJT na.
C: Confeeeeeeeeermed!

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10: Sa Cagayan De Oro City, ipinagbabawal ng Golden Heritage Polytechnic College ang pagkakaroon ng “intimate relationship” sa pagitan ng mga lalaki at mga babaeng estudyante. Ano ang masasabi n’yo?
A: Puwede bang itama muna ang grammar sa tarp bago pakialaman ang personal na buhay ng mga estudyante?!
B: Kung bawal ang relasyon sa pagitan ng male and female students, pwede bang male to male o female to female? #LoveWins
C: Sa nakaisip ng panuntunang ‘yan: huwag kang bitter! Kung masama ang experience mo noon, huwag kang mandamay! Pangit!

Bonus Question: Kaninong diet ito?
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A: Sen. Franklin Drilon
B: Olympic silver medalist Hidilyn Diaz
C: Jessy Mendiola
Guess first then click here for the answer.
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“A hypocrite is the kind of politician who would cut down a redwood tree, then mount the stump and make a speech for conservation.”
~Adlai E. Stevenson II

Sound Bites
“It’s so foul, it’s character assassination. We are both professionals, the President and I. We are both public servants. I hope he doesn’t resort to those foul means. To me, that’s very foul.”
~Sen. Leila De Lima on President Duterte’s personal tirades

Stay safe.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte: Inquirer.Net; Karen Bordador/BF: PNP-PIO; Marcos: Edd Gumban/Philstar; Hero Bautista: Richard Reyes/PDI; Manny Pacquiao: Grig Montegrande/PDI; Salceda: GMA Network; Yolanda/Schooling: Singtel; The Ellen Show; CDO: ABSCBNNews; Heart/Chiz: Happy Skin]





TYPHOONS 2016: The Complete List

12 08 2016

philippines-extrajudicial-killings
IT’S TYPHOON season again in the Philippines. Narito ang listahan ng mga bagyo ngayong taong ito. Gawin ang kaukulang pag-iingat.

Typhoon Duterte
Pabugsu-bugso ngunit napakalakas. Maraming iniiwang patay sa mga lugar na dinadaanan. Mapanganib lalo na sa mga ordinaryo at mahihirap na naninirahan sa matataong lugar.

Typhoon Duterte II
Predictable ang galaw ng bagyong ito. Hahagupit ‘tapos magbabago ng ihip ng hangin ‘tapos hahataw na naman. Nalilito tuloy ang mga weather specialists at nauuwi sa iba’t ibang interpretasyon ang kanilang forecast.

Typhoon Gloria
Nakaalis na ang bagyong ito ngunit muling bumalik at patuloy na lumalakas.

Typhoon Marcos
Maraming pinatay at pinahirapan ang bagyong ito. Hanggang ngayon, marami pa rin ang nawawala. Sagaran din ang pinsalang idinulot nito sa ekonomiya. Ang nakalulungkot lang, iba ang kumakalat na impormasyon ngayon: dapat pa nga raw pasalamatan ang dalang ulan ng bagyong ito dahil naiwasan ang tagtuyot sa ilang lugar.

Typhoon Gina Lopez
Matindi ang bagyong ito lalo na kapag nag-landfall. Kadalasang tumatama ang sentro ng bagyo sa ang mga minahan.

Typhoon Andanar
Kulog at kidlat pa lang nito, mahuhulog ka na raw sa upuan. Mapapaiyak ka rin umano sa dala nitong ulan. But don’t worry, sa forecast lang naman ‘yan. Sa totoong buhay, sakto lang naman.

Typhoon Bato
Enjoy na enjoy ang bagyong ito lalo na kapag pinag-uusapan at napi-feature sa mga reports at interviews sa media. Matitindi rin ang mga buntot ng bagyong ito. Take cover ka na lang at ‘wag na ‘wag ‘manlalaban.’

Typhoon Panelo
Isang lumang sama ng panahon na nakaipon ng sapat na lakas recently lang kaya’t na-classify bilang bagyo. ‘Wag n’yo na lang katakutan. ‘Di naman siya talaga kalakasan. Feeling lang niya.

Typhoon Bongbong
Ang buntot ng Typhoon Marcos. Muntik nang manalasa sa bansa ngunit maagang namonitor ng PAGASA ang galaw kaya’t nakapaghanda ang mga tao. May panganib pa ring dala at posibleng bumalik kaya pinapayuhang maging vigilant ang publiko.

Typhoon Binay
Ang palatandaang paparating ang bagyong ito ay ang nakakatakot na pagdidilim ng kalangitan. Napakalakas ng bagyong ito. BEFORE. Nang pumasok ang Typhoon Duterte, na-push ito papalayo at tuluyan nang humina.

Typhoon Joma
Napakatagal nang binago ang kategorya ng weather disturbance na ito. Mula sa pagiging typhoon, na-classify ito bilang low pressure area na lamang. Ngunit kung kumilos ay astang bagyo pa rin ito kahit wala na sa Philippine Area of Responsibility.

Typhoon Pacquiao
Huwag magtaka kung mamatay ka pagdaan ng bagyong ito. Tandaan: Pabor si God sa death penalty kaya ‘pag namatay ka, ibig sabihin, kagustuhan ni God ‘yon. Pinarurusahan ka niya. Nasa Bible ‘yan. Check n‘yo.

Typhoon Pacquiao II
Maraming factors kung bakit nabubuo ang isang bagyo. Sa kaso ng bagyong ito, walang dapat sisihin kundi ang kapabayaan at katangahan na rin ng mga tao. Sisihin n’yo ang mga sarili n’yo. Mga gunggong!

Typhoon Mocha
Ang bagyong walang masyadong ulan – pero mahangin. That’s all. Thank you!
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“Arrogance combined with stubbornness is a ticking bomb.”
~Unarine Ramaru

Sound Bites
“Sana nga, sabun-sabunan niya yung bibig niya dahil medyo naliligaw na naman.”
~Prof. Clarita Carlos, political analyst on President Duterte who recently called the US ambassador “bakla” and “son of a bitch”

Elsewhere
An emphatic minority by Shakira Sison
“Hello there! Here is my homeland, where the evening news proudly announces body counts. Where the daily number of casualties now equals great success. It’s the only place in the world where death means winning a war, the only country whose people are fine with civilians being killed on the spot.”

No to extrajudicial killing!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: Typhoon: Charism Sayat/AFP Photo; EJK: Reuters]





WHO CARES?!

6 08 2016

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THE 31st Summer Olympics is underway in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. The Philippines has yet to win a gold medal in the quadrennial meet. This year, we sent 13 Filipino athletes to Rio. Realistically speaking though, our only chance of winning gold right now is if extrajudicial killing would be made an Olympic sport.

Who cares?
According to the Philippine Daily Inquirer, some 660 drug suspects have been killed to date: 436 in police operations and 224 by unidentified assailants. On the rising death toll, President Duterte, said Thursday, “I do not care. I really don’t care.” But on Friday evening, the President acknowledged the abuses in the battle against illegal drugs – for the very first time – fueling speculations he was high on drugs.

Shoot-to-Kill
President Duterte has issued a ‘shoot-to-kill’ order against politicians a.k.a. narcopoliticos who are allegedly involved in the illegal drugs trade. Malacañang reveals two of those narcopoliticos have actually visited President Duterte and cried in front of him. To be fair, small time pushers and addicts don’t cry. But their widows and orphans do.

Improving
A Social Weather Stations survey conducted from June 24 to 27 revealed there are fewer poor Filipinos right now. Congratulations President Duterte and General Bato De La Rosa. Success!

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Mascot
The Philippine National Police recently launched its new mascot – PO1 Bato, a bald cop in full uniform. During the press launch, it got a bit awkward though when reporters noted that the PNP chief was behaving like a mascot more than the actual mascot did.

Shots Fired, Again
President Duterte has yet again mocked Netherlands-based Communist leader Jose Ma. Sison,. The President says Sison speaks as if he’s somebody when in reality he cannot even control a barangay. To be specific, “remote control” a barangay.

Joke
The Bureau of Customs clarified that the reported appointment of sexy performer Mocha Uson as a social media consultant was just a joke. But such joke was no laughing matter because… she’s the bomb!

Top 5 Recommended Appointees Who Will (Probably) Perform Better Than Mocha Uson

No. 5: Department of Science and Technology: Nanette Inventor

No. 4: PAGASA’s Astronomy Section (Planetarium): Zenaida Seva

No. 3: Lolit Solis: SOLICITor General

No. 2: Tim Yap and Raymond Gutierrez: Integrated Bar of the Philippines

And the No. 1 recommended appointee who will probably perform better than Mocha Uson:

Robin Padilla: ‘Tol Regulatory Board

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Hero’s Burial
Losing vice presidential candidate Bongbong Marcos claims President Duterte has given his family the go signal to bury the late dictator Ferdinand Marcos at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. The burial will reportedly take place on Sept. 18 – which, incidentally has been declared ‘Let’s Pretend that Martial Law Didn’t Happen’ Day.

Hero?
Most millennials do not know who Ferdinand Marcos is. They’re only familiar with, ONE: the body on display at the Marcos mausoleum, and TWO, online stories about his World War II medals. And those two have something in common. Fake.

Water Sport
As I’ve mentioned earlier, the Summer Olympics has officially kicked off in Rio. In aquatic sports, the first gold medal has been awarded to Orlando Bloom.

Fad
Pokemon G0, the popular, free-to-play mobile app has been officially launched in the Philippines. And I don’t care. I really don’t care.

Pokemon G0 has been launched in the country. Game-loving Filipinos will soon be looking for pocket monsters – a sort of diversion for those who have gotten tired of looking for love.
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“It is hard to talk about a middle ground for something that is a fundamental right.”
~Teri Reynolds

Sound Bites
“Shoot on sight means – just because you suspect someone or the President declared someone is a drug lord and you will kill him… that’s a violation of law. If they do that, then that would clearly be murder.”
~Sen. Panfilo Lacson on President Duterte’s shoot-on-sight order

“Itong si [Joma] Sison, nagbubula-bula ang baba, laway niya lumulusot doon sa screen. Akala mo naman kung sino magsalita. Ni hindi nga sila makahawak ng isang barangay.”
~President Duterte on self-exiled Communist leader Jose Ma. Sison

Stay safe. Stay alive. Huwag manlalaban.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: New York Times; PNP Mascot: Philippine Star; Marcos: Getty Images]





LIGHTS, CAMERA, SONA!

27 07 2016

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PRESIDENT DUTERTE delivered his first State of the Nation Address before the joint session of Congress last Monday. Some analysts described it as “historic.” In fact, some were saying it was so special, Communications Secretary Martin Andanar hasn’t stopped crying.

Two days before the SONA, Secretary Andanar told the media the President’s speech would “awaken the patriot in every Filipino.” I’m not sure about that but the speech definitely awakened the stand-up comic in President Duterte.

Before Monday’s event, Communications Secretary Martin Andanar said the draft of President Duterte’s speech made him cry, and added, “May announcement sa SONA na makalaglag-upuan.” This just in: Brillante Mendoza has found a new dramatic actor for his next project.

PNP Chief Ronald ‘Bato’ De La Rosa reported a downward trend in crime in the metro. Of course, that could change – now that Congress is back.

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Opening
President Duterte opened his speech by saying, “I will not waste precious time blaming those who are perceived to be responsible for the mess that we are in and suffering from. Finger-pointing is not the way.” To which, former president Noynoy Aquino said, “Inaano ba kita?”

President Duterte clarified though, “Those who betrayed the people’s trust shall not go unpunished.” Former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo couldn’t stop laughing at the President’s opening joke.

The President also said, “We cannot move forward if we allow the past to pull us back.” So, time to forget your ex. Move on. Find someone else.

Causes
According to the President, when he decided to seek the presidency, he knew what the ills of our country were; he knew their causes, and he was briefed on who caused the causes. The TV cameras then panned to the seated lawmakers in the session hall. Well played Direk Brillante, well played!

Love Not Hate
President Duterte also appealed, “If we cannot, as yet, love one another… let us not hate each other too much.” Duterte diehards and Carlos Celdran replied, “Try namin huh.”

Ceasefire
In his SONA, President Duterte declared a unilateral ceasefire with the Communist Party of the Philippines. It was overshadowed though by Duterte’s earlier declaration of a ceasefire with Sen. Leila De Lima.

President Duterte has declared a unilateral ceasefire with the CPP. He failed to declare ceasefire though with the CBCP.

RH Law
The President also ordered the full implementation of the Responsible Parenthood and Reproductive Health Law. And Tito Sotto was like, “Hello Mr. President. Pakiulit. ‘Di kita marinig. Choppy ka. Choppy.”

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The Director
Brillante Mendoza directed the TV coverage of President Duterte’s SONA. In fact, he gave Monday’s event a title. He called it “Ma’ Rody.”

Reacting to criticisms of his directing style during the SONA, Brillante Mendoza said, “Hindi naman lahat ng nanood admittedly ay film literate.” By the way, directing the SONA was the closest he could get to having a blockbuster project.

In case you didn’t know, Brillante Mendoza was the 62nd Cannes Film Festival best director. He won for his controversial film, ‘Kinatay’ – an indie drama which was shown in the Philippines in 2009 and seen by a dozen film literates.

Pic of the Weak
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“Hello netishensh! Alam ko ang iniiship n’yo! Mga walanghiya kayo. Umamin kayo! Ito ‘yon ‘no? Click n’yo!”
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“Promises are only as strong as the person who gives them.”
~Stephen Richards

Sound Bites
“Hindi ko nga alam bakit nandito ako ngayon. Noon nandoon lang ako o. Totoo man. Sino man nagsuporta sa inyo sa akin dito? Wala man? [LAUGHS] Not a single congressman. Except for two provinces, governor. ‘Yun lang. Wala akong barangay captain. Wala akong… wala lahat. Pero ngayon… [LAUGHS].
~President Duterte talking about the opportunist turncoats in front of him #BURN

“Hindi naman lahat ng nanood admittedly ay film literate, pero ‘pag babasahin mo ‘yung mga sinabi ng mga film literate ay matutuwa ka.”
~Brillante Mendoza, #SONA2016 director

‘k.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte/SONA: Rappler; Brillante Mendoza: Malacañang]





LEAKED: DUTERTE’S 1ST SONA (EXCLUSIVE)

22 07 2016

A DRAFT of President Rodrigo Duterte’s First State of the Nation Address was sent to this blogger. Here are [unedited] excerpts of the speech. Exclusive!

dd

State of the Nation Address
of
Rodrigo R. Duterte
President of the Philippines

[To be delivered at the Session Hall of the House of Representatives, Batasang Pambansa Complex, Quezon City on July 28, 2016]

SPEAKER PANTALEON Alvarez, Senate President Aquilino ‘Koko’ Pimentel III, Vice President Leni Robredo, Chief Justice Maria Lourdes Sereno, former presidents Fidel V. Ramos, Joseph Ejercito Estrada and Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo… (BOISTEROUS APPLAUSE)

Ma’am, puwede po bang tumayo kayo? Na-miss yata kayo ng inyong mga kasamahan dito sa Kongreso. (MORE APPLAUSE)

[Shobra ka naman Digong. Nakatayo na ako.] (CANNED LAUGHTER)

Palakpakan po ulit natin, former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo! (APPLAUSE)

Members of the House of Representatives and the Senate; distinguished members of the diplomatic corps; fellow workers in government,

Mga minamahal kong kababayan…

Change has come. (5-MINUTE APPLAUSE, STANDING OVATION)

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Magsasalita ba ako o papalakpak na lang kayo maghapon? (CANNED LAUGHTER/APPLAUSE)

Before I continue, gusto ko munang batiin si former president Noynoy Aquino na nanonood sa Times Street. Noy, huwag kang mag-alala ngayong hapon. Hindi ko sisisihin ang iyong administrasyon. (APPLAUSE)

As I have promised, hindi ko na hahabaan ang aking speech. Napakahalaga ng bawat segundo sa akin. Inaamin ko, ako ang nag-utos na tigilan na ang taunang fashion show sa red carpet sa labas. Sinasayang nito ang ating oras. (APPLAUSE)

Tingnan n’yo ang inyong mga sarili ngayong hapon. Napakaayos. Mukha kayong public servants na nag-oopisina. Samantalang dati kapag SONA, para kayong shoppers sa isang SM boutique – ang KULTURA. (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Kamakailan ay naipanalo natin ang arbitration case laban sa China. (APPLAUSE) Ang sabi ng Beijing noong isang linggo, “Sige, usap tayo. Pero i-disregard n’yo muna ang hatol.” Ulol! (APPLAUSE)

May natatanggap na batikos si DFA Sec. Perfecto Yasay Jr. nitong mga nakaraang araw. Pero ako na mismo ang magsasabi sa inyo… hinding-hindi natin isusuko ang claim sa pinag-aagawang mga isla! (APPLAUSE) At lalo namang hindi natin uurungan ang China! (STANDING OVATION)

* * * * *

Noong Biyernes sa isang drug raid sa Valenzuela, napatay natin ang big time Chinese drug lord na si Meco Tan. China: 0, Philippines: 1. (APPLAUSE)

PULIS
Noong kampanya, kung natatandaan n’yo, I promised to kill five criminals PER WEEK para maresolba ang problema sa peace and order! Humihingi po ako ng paumanhin at hindi ko natupad ang aking pangako. Dahil sa latest data ng PNP, mula nang ako ay maupo, ang napapatay PER DAY ay sampu! (APPLAUSE/STANDING OVATION)

Sabi nila, ‘Justice delayed is justice denied.’ Sang-ayon ako d’yan! Kaya’t mabilis ang pagkilos ng ating kapulisan. Wala nang Mira-Miranda rights sa hulihan! Diretso agad sa kulungan! ‘Wag ka lang manlalaban or else… condolence na lang! (APPLAUSE)

Marami ang nagsasabi, pinapatay ng kapulisan ang mga pusher at addict. Hindi raw nabibigyan ng pagkakataong ma-reform ang mga nalulong sa drugs. Liar! Hindi ba’t binigyan ko ng second chance si Ka Freddie Aguilar? (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Matapos ang eleksyon, nanawagan akong simulan ang healing sa buong bansa. Anuman ang naging kasalanan, dapat nang magkapatawaran. Nakinig naman ang Korte Suprema sa aking panawagan. Ayun… si GMA, pinakawalan. (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Noong isang linggo, nag-crack ang aspalto sa runway ng NAIA. Napamura ako. Sabi ko, “Pati ba naman runway nagdo-droga? Nagka-‘crack’ eh.” (NO REACTION)

Joke ‘yun. ‘Tang ina n’yo, tumawa kayo! (CANNED LAUGHTER/APPLAUSE)

Nang mag-crack ang NAIA runway, maraming pasahero ang naperwisyo. Maraming flights ang na-delay. Kaagad nag-sorry si Secretary Arthur Tugade. Meron ba kaming ibang sinisi? Wala. Baka sabihin naman ni Noynoy, wala kaming originality. (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Natutuwa rin ako dahil last week sa Pampanga… halos limampung miyembro ng New People’s Army ang nagsisuko. Bakit pa nga naman sila lalaban sa gobyerno kung mga kaalyado na nila ang nakaupo? (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Nalulungkot ako kapag may mga kababayan tayong umaalis at iniiwan ang kanilang mga mahal sa buhay. Ipinapangako ko, gagawa kami ng paraan upang sa susunod na mga taon ay wala nang umalis. Wala nang mang-iiwan. Maraming salamat nga pala sa tulong ng Sandiganbayan. Naglabas ito ng hold departure order laban sa mag-amang Binay! Walang aalis! Walang mang-iiwan! (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Humahanga tayo sa mga Pilipinong doble ang pagsisikap upang umunlad ang kanilang pamumuhay. Hindi sila nakukuntento sa iisang trabaho. Nasa Senado na, magboboksing pa. Manny Pacquiao, mabuhay ka! (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Baka sabihin n’yo puro masasamang balita ang lumalabas tungkol sa bansa: droga, shootout, extrajudicial killings. Pwes, pagandahin natin! Ngayong darating na 2017, ang Miss Universe pageant dito gaganapin! (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Ayaw ko namang magyabang pero mula nang kami ay maupo, hindi pa nasisira ang MRT o LRT. Wala pa naman kaming ginagawang bago. Divine intervention siguro ‘yan. Dasal lang talaga, dasal lang. (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Kahapon, may nabasa ako sa Internet. Bakit daw ang lagi lang nilang nakikita sa balita: “Pusher ako, ‘wag tularan.” Bakit daw walang, “Corrupt ako, ‘wag tularan!” Napaisip ako. May point nga naman. So, bakit ‘di natin sampolan? Sa hapong ito… bibigyan ko ng pagkakataong sumuko ang mga corrupt na nasa Batasan. Huwag n’yong hintaying tawagin ko ang inyong mga pangalan. Pagkatapos na pagkatapos ng aking speech, lahat ng corrupt, maiiwan! (NO REACTION)

‘Tang ina n’yo! Palakpak naman d’yan! (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Bago ako tuluyang magtapos, maraming salamat nga pala sa 91 percent na nagtitiwala sa akin at nagmamahal. Sa 9 percent na ‘di nagtitiwala, wala akong pakialam sa inyo mga Liberal! (APPLAUSE)

Hangang dito na lamang at Mabuhay ang Pilipinas! (APPLAUSE/STANDING OVATION)
————————————————————————————————————————————-
“Some things you don’t have to promise. You just do.”
~Rick Yancey, The 5th Wave

Sound Bites
“I denounce in the highest possible terms this latest demolition job linking me to maximum security inmate Jaybee Sebastian or to any other convicted or suspected drug lord or operator now or in the past. May I suggest for Calida to stop his fixation on ‘Throwback Thursday’ photos of me, and instead just start doing his real job of reading the 501-page decision on the West Philippine Sea case.”
~Sen. Leila De Lima on the latest demolition job against her

Have a safe weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: Duterte: Philstar.com; Victim: DZMM Teleradyo]





SUSPECTED, SUSPECDEAD

19 07 2016

LAST WEEK, suspected drug lord Peter Lim sought audience with no less than President Duterte to deny his reported involvement in the illegal drugs trade. Netizens cry double standard in the government’s war against illegal drugs. They noted, “‘Pag mahirap ang suspek, patay agad pero ‘pag mayaman, nakikipag-meeting pa sa pangulo.”

The president’s spokesman Martin Andanar quickly denied the allegation.

1DUTERTELim
Peter Lim: Hindi ako drug lord!

Palace: Kay Presidente ka na lang magpaliwanag.

Peter Lim: Ayaw ko nga! Eh kung patayin ako nun?

Palace: Mayaman ka ba o mahirap?

Peter Lim: Mayaman.

Palace: You’re safe.

* * *

Lalaki sa Looban: Hindi ako pusher!

Pulis: Bang!

Lalaki sa Looban:

Pulis: Pasensya. Nanlaban ka eh. Wala akong choice.

* * *

Peter Lim: Hindi ako drug lord!

Palace: Kay Presidente ka na magpaliwanag.

Peter Lim: Si Presidente talaga ang haharap sa akin?!?

Palace: Ayaw mo?!? Choosy?

Peter Lim: Hindi. Excited lang.

* * *

Lalaki sa Kanto: Hindi ho ako pusher sir! Hindi ako pusher!

Pulis: Sa presinto ka na magpaliwanag!

Lalaki sa Kanto: Pwede ho bang kay Presidente na lang?

Pulis: Ambisyoso! Addict ka! Addict!

FullSizeRender
Peter Lim: Hindi ho ako drug lord!

Duterte: Ipapapatay kita ‘pag may nakuha akong ebidensya. Right now, submit yourself to an investigation.

Peter Lim: Hindi mo ako papatayin ngayon sir? Hindi totoo ang banta mo dati?

Duterte:

Peter Lim: Nagtatanong lang sir. Aalis na po ako. Thanks.

* * *

Suspek: Hindi ho ako pusher sir! Hindi ako pusher.

Pulis: Bang!

Suspek: Agad-agad?!?

Pulis: Lumalaban ka pa huh! Bang!

Suspek:

Pulis: Dapat kasi nakikinig kayo sa balita. Ang sabi ng ating pangulo, “I’m the President. I don’t give due process.” Pasensyahan, ‘di ka yata na-inform.

* * *

Peter Lim: Hindi ho ako drug lord!

Duterte: Sa NBI ka na magpaliwanag. Go!

Peter Lim: Go na talaga? As in… I can go? I’m free?!

Duterte:

Peter Lim: Nililinaw ko lang sir. [THANK YOU LORD!!!]

* * *

Pulis: Dapa. Dapa!

Tambay: Hindi ho ako pusher sir! Maawa kayo. Hindi ako pusher! Pakawalan n’yo ako!

Pulis: Anong pangalan mo?

Tambay: Peter sir. Peter Lim.

Pulis:

Tambay: Subok lang sir. Baka sakaling makalusot. Who knows ‘di ba?

New App
The Philippine National Police will activate a text hotline called “Text Bato.” A new Smartphone app which will allow ordinary Filipinos to send messages directly to PNP Chief Ronald “Bato” dela Rosa will also be launched soon. The app is called “Itaga mo sa Bato,” which was shorter and catchier than the original suggestion, “Bato, bato sa langit, ang tamaan… nanlaban.”
________________________________________________________________________________________
“I guess the only time most people think about injustice is when it happens to them.”
~ Charles Bukowski, Ham on Rye

Worst Attendance
Official records show Manny Pacquiao attended only one session during the third and final regular session of the 16th Congress. When asked to justify his absences, Pacquiao said, “Colossians 2:5 For though I am absent from you in body, I am present with you in spirit.”

Sound Bites
“I know that I’m now a subject of incessant vicious attacks in the social media. But I don’t intend to dignify them by probing into who’s behind them and why.”
~Sen. Leila De Lima on the viral video which showed her in a party with QC Rep. Alfred Vargas who was maliciously identified by idiots as detained drug lord Herbert Colangco

Say no to drugs.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: Malacañang]





TRUSTED, TESTED

14 07 2016

1WSJ
AN INTERNATIONAL tribunal in The Hague ruled in favor of the Philippines in a maritime dispute. Beijing rejected the ruling saying it will continue to assert “territorial sovereignty and marine rights” in the South China Sea. Meanwhile, China thanked its allies in the region for their continued support namely Cambodia, Laos, and Foreign Affairs secretary Perfecto Yasay Jr.

Defiant
A United Nations-backed tribunal in The Hague has voted in favor of the Philippines in its maritime dispute with China. But a defiant Beijing refuses to accept the decision. Or as that’s also called here in the Philippines, the Bongbong Marcos Syndrome.

Charged
Former vice president Jejomar Binay has been formally charged with graft, falsification of public documents, and violation of the Government Procurement Act in connection with the alleged overpriced P2.2-billion Makati parking building. As expected, Binay’s spokesman Joey Salgado attacked Ombudsman Conchita Carpio-Morales and accused her of protecting the people of Liberal Party – curiously forgetting there’s no one left in the Liberal Party.

Excellent
In the June 2016 survey of SWS, President Duterte obtained a net trust rating of 79 percent. Malacañang says the excellent rating is encouraging and vows to work double time to meet its goal: a good life for every Filipino, and the afterlife for every criminal.

Trusted
According to a recent SWS survey, 84 percent of Filipinos showed “much trust” in President Duterte. In another survey, 100 percent of Filipino-Chinese showed “much trust” in DFA Sec. Perfecto Yasay Jr.

Drug Test
Earlier this week, Sen. Juan Miguel Zubiri underwent a drug test at the Senate and appealed to his fellow civil servants to do the same. When asked for comment, Cong. Toby Tiangco said, “’Pag drugs, ako agad?!? Automatic?!?”

1DuterteVolunteer
Volunteer
An alleged drug pusher identified through his ID as a volunteer for the Duterte campaign last elections was recently killed by cops in Zamboanga City. The Duterte supporter’s death has been ruled as a “suicide.”

Pacquiao
Quoting Top Rank promoter Bob Arum, several online reports say Manny Pacquiao plans to take a leave from the Philippine Senate to train for a possible bout either on Oct. 29 or November 5 contrary to his promise during the campaign he’d take his legislative work more seriously if elected. Interestingly, the online reports have the same headline: Told yah!

Pacquiao II
On Wednesday morning though, Manny Pacquiao denied reports he’s taking a leave of absence to resume his boxing career. So, no, he won’t leave the Senate. Tsk, sayang.

1Phone
Just Married
A 34-year-old man named Aaron Chervenak wed his phone in Las Vegas. Chervenak says the best thing about his new ‘wife’ is that it doesn’t have a mother.

A man from LA married his cellphone in a ceremony in Las Vegas, Nevada. The man vowed to stick it out with his phone for better, for worse, for richer, for pooer, in sickness and health, ‘til drained do them part.

A man married his cellphone in Las Vegas, Nevada. But like many other marriages, they’ll probably separate and the man will “upgrade.”

1BJD
Pic of the Weak
Lani Mercado posted this photo of character actor Dick Israel who recently visited plunder suspects Bong Revilla and Jinggoy Estrada. Dick and the dicks.

Furlough
The Sandiganbayan allowed Bong Revilla to leave his detention cell to visit his dentist. The court granted Bong’s request after seeing his photo with Dick Israel and realizing that a sparkling smile is necessary for future photo ops.
———————————————————————————————————————————————
“I would rather be a little nobody, then to be a evil somebody.”
~Abraham Lincoln

Soundbites
“Kababae mong tao, pa-shot shot ka? Anong suot mo? Naka-shorts ka, ’no?”
~Tito Sotto to an ‘Eat Bulaga’ contestant who revealed she was taken advantage of by her husband’s friends because she was drunk

Some things never change.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Wall Street Journal; Drug Suspect: ABSCBN News; Bong/Jinggoy: Lani Mercado; Phone Wedding: Daily Mail-UK]





BABALA: NAKAMAMATAY

8 07 2016

1luigiq
CONGRESSMAN Toby Tiangco has filed House Bill 412: An act providing for a ‘No work, No pay’ policy for members of Congress. When sought for their reaction, neophyte solon Geraldine Roman said, “Tama ‘yon!” Congresswoman Vilma Santos replied, “Kung hindi ka magtatrabaho, bakit ka babayaran?” And Sen. Manny Pacquiao said, “Inaano ko ba kayo?!”

Suspects
Cause of death and manner of death are two different terms used by forensic scientists. To differentiate, let’s use as example the recent cases of drug-related deaths in the Philippines. The ‘cause of death’ is gunshot wound – and the ‘manner of death’ is ‘nanlaban.’

1Nanlaban
During the campaign, then presidential candidate Rodrigo Duterte vowed to kill five suspected criminals per week. Since June 30 or in just 8 days, there have been 72 drug-related killings already in the country. Duterte has overachieved.

Noon
Pulis: Alam kong nand’yan ka lang sa loob ng iyong bahay! Bibigyan kita ng sampung minuto! Sumuko ka na kung ayaw mong masaktan!

Suspek: Susuko na po! Susuko na!

Ngayon
Pulis: Alam kong nand’yan ka lang sa loob ng iyong bahay! Bibigyan kita ng sampung minuto!

Suspek: Susuko na po! Susuko na!

Pulis: Tanga! Hindi kita pinasusuko. Gusto kong manlaban ka! Now na!

* * * * *

Noon
Pulis: Sakay! Bilis! Dadalhin ka namin sa presinto! Upo nang maayos! Huwag kang gagalaw d’yan kung ayaw mong masaktan.

Suspek: Opo sir.

Ngayon
Pulis: Sakay! Bilis! Dadalhin ka namin sa presinto! Upo nang maayos!

Suspek: Opo sir, hindi ako gagalaw.

Pulis: Tanga! Gumalaw ka! Mang-agaw ka ng baril. Bilis!

Exposed
President Duterte has named five police generals with alleged ties to drug lords. The list includes retired Chief Supt. Vicente Loot who is now the mayor of Daanbantayan town in northern Cebu. The general who has a net worth of more than 100 million pesos has issued a denial but the people find it hard to accept mainly because of his last name.

1Kat
Rewarded
Two of the most visible supporters of President Duterte during the campaign were TV host Kat De Castro and comedian Arnell Ignacio. De Castro has been appointed Tourism undersecretary while Ignacio has been named AVP for the community relation and services department of Pagcor. Congratulations! Hopefully, these appointments will help end speculations that De Castro and Ignacio will be officially declared Mga Pambansang Anino.

There’s no truth to tasteless and sexist rumors though that Mocha Uson will be appointed director of the National Meat Inspection Service.

1luigiq
#DOTAPaMore
In Cebu, two Mandaue City Hall employees were fired after they were photographed playing DOTA while on duty. Unfortunately, the lowly employees have realized that playing online games at work won’t be tolerated – unless your name is Juan Ponce Enrile.

Bong’s Teeth
Detained former senator Bong Revilla has asked the Sandiganbayan to allow him to undergo dental procedures for three days this month. The procedures include panoramic radiograph and composite fillings. Last April 11, Revilla was given permission to go to the hospital for a CT scan of his teeth – contrary to rumors he had a CT scan of his brain which wasn’t necessary because compared to his teeth, it is rarely used.

Smallest
A recent study published in the Journal of Female Health Sciences revealed Filipina women have the smallest breasts. Meanwhile, a separate study published in the Journal of Male Health Sciences revealed Filipino men are the loneliest husbands.
____________________________________________________________________________
“Death kills you once; worry kills you every day.”
~Marty Rubin

Sound Bites
“Ordinary workers are paid on a ‘no work, no pay’ basis, and it doesn’t make them feel humiliated. Why should their payment scheme be different from ours?”
~Cong. Toby Tiangco reacting to Senator Lacson’s comment that the ‘no work, no pay’ bill is demeaning to lawmakers

“Para sa akin, ‘yung bitay, mas ano pa. Kasi yung lethal injection, ano naman may rules din ba, or may batas din ang mga doctors na bawal din silang pumatay ng tao.”
~Manny Pacquiao on the reimposition of death penalty

#whut?!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: No Work, No Pay: Keep Calm-o-Matic.UK; Kat and Arnell: DOTA Boys: Mayor Luigi Quisumbing]





SLAY

4 07 2016

POSTSCRIPT TO AN INAUGURATION

The Past and the Future
1Multo

Self-Control
1D3Pray

Habit
1D30Oath

Guilty
1KaFreddie

Favorite
1Handa

Loser
1bb

.

11stFam

.

12ndfam

.

1Slay

The Late…

1bb

Can’t Wait
1Time
____________________________________________________________________________________
“The greatest leader is not necessarily the one who does the greatest things. He is the one that gets the people to do the greatest things.”
~Ronald Reagan

Sound Bites
“But the change, if it is to be permanent and significant, must start with us and in us.”
~President Duterte, 6.30.2016

Indeed.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Malacañang Photo Bureau, and Bea Cupin/Rappler: Kris Aquino]





HOTLINE, DRUG ADDICTS, BREXIT, AND OTHER STORIES

28 06 2016

1pdi
INCOMING PRESIDENT Rodrigo Duterte says he will set up 12 phone lines where people can directly call to report corruption in government. This early, Duterte is apologizing to potential callers because all 12 lines will be very busy.

Scenarios
Hotline: Office of the President, ano pong maitutulong namin?

Caller: ‘Yong aming congressman, magnanakaw.

Hotline: May pruweba ho ba kayo?

Caller: ‘Di ba ‘pag congressman, magnanakaw naman talaga? Nabago na ba?

* * * * *

Hotline: Office of the President, ano pong maitutulong namin?

Customs Official:

Hotline: Hello?!? Office of the President, may isusumbong ho ba kayo?

Customs Official:

Hotline: (ibinaba ang telepono)

Customs Official: ‘Tang ina, totoo nga.

* * * * *

Hotline: Good morning, sa Office of the President po ito, ano pong isusumbong n’yo?

Caller: Pwede bang malaman ang number ni Mocha Uson?

Hotline: Hindi ho ito directory.

Caller: Wala pa ring pagbabago sa gobyerno! Wala kayong silbi! Bye!

1Brexit
In a decision that shocked the international community, 52 percent of voters in the United Kingdom chose to leave the European Union. Analysts say leading advocates of Brexit succeeded because of their promise to eradicate criminality in 3 to 6 months.

Lost
He urged his countrymen to vote ‘Remain’ and campaigned really hard to win but British Prime Minister David Cameron still lost. He will step down soon, take a break, and probably, spend some quality time with his nephews, Josh and Bimby Cameron.

Wrong
In a referendum to decide whether the UK should leave or stay as a member of the European Union, survey firms predicted that 52 percent will vote Remain and 48 percent will vote Leave. They were wrong! The final vote showed 52 percent opted to ‘Leave’ and 48 percent voted to Remain. When sought for a reaction, London-based student Sandro Marcos says he respects the result of the election because the numbers totaled 100 percent.

Brexit Aftermath
In Scotland, where the ‘Remain’ vote prevailed, people are talking about leaving the United Kingdom through another referendum. In London, residents are calling for a referendum to decide whether Tom Hiddleston should leave or remain with Taylor Swift.

Critical
President Aquino was the guest of honor and commencement speaker at the recent Ateneo De Manila University graduation ceremony. The outgoing president encouraged the graduates to be critical. A skill he has mastered as president at the expense of the previous administration.

1kORINA
The Graduate
Journalist and ex-future First Lady Korina Sanchez is also a member of Class 2016. She just finished her master’s degree in journalism at the Ateneo De Manila University. In an interview before the elections, the feisty broadcaster said, taking higher studies wasn’t just to gain more knowledge but “a way to discipline my mind.” Said Anderson Cooper, “Good to know.”

Drug Addicts
Citing government data, incoming president Rodrigo Duterte says there are around 3 million drug addicts in the country. He explains not all drug addicts can be put in jail or rehab at the same time. Mostly awake at night, many of them roam the streets, jam with fellow addicts, or attend rave parties sponsored by a toothpaste brand.

Platform
Incoming president Rodrigo Duterte says his government is for the helpless, the hopeless, and the defenseless. And to prove this, he’ll continue doing what he has started in Davao City: wage war against suspected criminals who are helpless, hopeless, and defenseless.

1JonSnowGame of Thrones
Fans of the highly-acclaimed HBO series, ‘Game of Thrones’ are still talking about the epic Season 6 finalé. One of the show’s highlights was when supporters of Jon Snow declared him ‘King in the North’ prompting Bongbong Marcos to file a protest.

Draw
The highly-publicized URCC bout between actors Kiko Matos and Baron Geisler ended in a draw. Spectators who thought Matos dominated the fight were surprised by the result. Even more surprising was the fact that many people took this gimmickry seriously.
———————————————————————————————————————————————–
“In war, truth is the first casualty.”
~Aeschylus

Sound Bites
“I think that the Church not only should apologize to a gay person whom it offended but it must also apologize to the poor as well, to the women who have been exploited, to children who have been exploited by (being forced to) work. It must apologize for having blessed so many weapons.”
~Pope Francis

Winter is here.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte: Inquirer.net; Brexit: ICEF Monitor; Korina Sanchez, IG]





BATTLE OF THE BASTARDS

22 06 2016

GAME OF THRONES followers witnessed yet another epic battle on the hit HBO series. Scenes from the ‘Battle of the Bastards’ episode spawned a number of online materials that have gone viral. Here are some of my own GOT inspired memes.

Fight on.
1Jon Snow

Moving on.
1Rickon

Interests.
1GinaLopez

Ambition.
1Baelish

Going Solo.
2

Limited.
1MEETING

The Office.
1BoracayLeniJoy

Deadline.
1WunWun

Reality.
1Millennials

Mission.
3
——————————————————————————————————————————–
“The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations.”
~David Friedman

Sound Bites
“That moment right there happened, and I was like ‘ok, I’m fine.’ And all I was thinking about in the back of my mind was Mamba mentality. Just Mamba mentality, that’s all I was thinking.”
~Kyrie Irving, on making the crucial shot that won the NBA championship for the Cleveland Cavaliers

Love life.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





ERRONEWS

16 06 2016

1salabs
IN A STRONGLY-WORDED statement, UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon condemns President-elect Rodrigo Duterte’s “apparent endorsement of extrajudicial killings.” Atty. Salvador Panelo blames “incorrect news reports” for the UN leader’s “wrong perception” and explains, “The President-elect has not endorsed, cannot and will never endorse extrajudicial killings.” To those asking, Atty. Salvador Panelo is the incoming presidential sanitizer.

Imaginary Q&A
Reporter: Sabi n’yo po wala kayong sakit. May medical report ho ba kayong maipapakita?

Duterte: Tang-ina, bastos ka ah! How is the vagina of your wife? Is it smelly? Or not smelly? Give me the report.

Panelo: Ang sabi po ng ating president-elect, mahalagang pagtuunan ng pansin ang kalusugan ng kababaihan. Healthy body, healthy mommy, healthy baby. That’s the essence of being a woman. Thank you.

* * *

Reporter: Hashtag ElNiñoLaNiña…

Duterte: El Niño, La Niña. ‘Tang ina, ‘di pa nga ako tapos sa el snatcher at la droga, bibigyan n’yo pa ako ng panibagong problema. Sige! Kayo na rito. Bwisit!

Panelo: Ang sabi po ng ating president-elect, hindi niya pwedeng ipagwalang-bahala ang bantang dulot ng climate change. Isa ‘yan sa kanyang tututukan kapag nasa palasyo na. Thank you.

* * *

Reporter: Ano pong masasabi n’yo sa pambabatikos ng mga obispo?

Duterte: Putang ina nila! Ipokrito sila!

Panelo: Ang sabi po ng ating president-elect, dapat maging open ang Simbahan sa mga pagbabago sa ating lipunan. Thank you.

Development
Lawyer Salvador Panelo will no longer be appointed as presidential spokesperson. Reports quoted Duterte as saying Panelo’s assignment as spokesman was temporary. Sought for a reaction, Panelo said, “Ang sabi po ng ating president-elect, napakahusay kong abogado para lang maging tagapagsalita. Thank you.”

1mateenOrlando Massacre
The US is still in shock following the murder of 49 people in Orlando by a lone shooter identified as Omar Mateen. Former classmates and co-workers described Mateen as an angry, stubborn, trashtalking man who always talked about killing. In other words, he had the potential to become president.

Lost
Defeated vice presidential candidate Ferdinand ‘Bongbong’ Marcos Jr. is incensed. In a recent statement, he spoke about vote buying, vote manipulation, and election fraud. Which sounded familiar because, as it turned out, he was reading from a document called, ‘The Martial Law Years.’

Accusing the administration of cheating in the last elections, Bongbong Marcos said, “Napakawalanghiya ang pagkagawa sa pambabastos at pagbabalewala sa boses ng taumbayan.” Or as his father would say, “Note to self.”

Drug Test
Incoming House speaker Pantaleon Alvarez is open to the idea of requiring lawmakers to take a drug test when the 17th Congress opens next month. In totally unrelated news, Jules Ledesma is really glad his term is over.

Outgoing
Negros Occidental Rep. Jules Ledesma is a three-termer solon. We won’t be seeing him in the upcoming 17th Congress just as we didn’t see him in the 14th, 15th and 16th Congresses.

1Demonyo
Evil
There’s a currently popular online test called, “Gaano ka kademonyo” that ‘calculates’ how “evil” a Facebook user is. I took the test for fun and the result showed I was 234 percent evil. A friend was “more evil” at 285 percent. When President-elect Rodrigo Duterte took the test, he got this reply, “Thank you for taking the test. No need to calculate… Master.”
—————————————————————————————————————————-
“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”
~Mark Twain

Sound Bites
“I long for the day when the LGBT community no longer has to live in fear of discrimination and hate crimes.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago (She turned 71 on June 15. Happy birthday Senator!)

“Love makes us strong. Love gives us the courage to act. Love gives us hope that change is possible. Love allows us to change the script. So love your country. Love your family. Love the families and the victims and the people of Orlando, but let’s remember that love is a verb. And to love means to do something.”
~Stephen Colbert on the Orlando club massacre

Love will always win.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Panelo: ABSCBN News; Mateen: fox News]





SUPER MAJORITY

9 06 2016

1DuterteINQ
DURING THE election period, PDP-Laban had only three members in the House of Representatives. Last week, the party successfully lured almost 200 solons into forming a ‘super majority’ in the Lower House. That’s not surprising though. Horticulturists say the balimbing tree produces fruits faster in a soil full of shit and manure.

Boycott
President-elect Rodrigo Duterte says he’ll no longer grant media interviews. Right now, only the crew of PTV 4 is being allowed entry to Duterte’s guest house in Davao City. To those asking, “PTV” stands for People’s Television and “4” is the average number of people who tune in to that channel everyday.

Plans
Incoming Presidential Communications Operations Office chief Martin Andanar says the Duterte administration may print its own tabloid. They haven’t decided on the tabloid’s name yet but Duterte is reportedly keen on calling it ‘Balitang Ina Mo.’

1JPEInqGoodbye
After spending 50 years in politics, hardworking senator Juan Ponce Enrile has said goodbye to public service. The 92-year-old says he will not involve himself again in politics and intends to just focus on the future. Which is near. And I mean, very near.

Juan Ponce Enrile spent the last 50 years of his life in politics. If there is justice in this world, he will spend the rest of his life in prison.

Goodbye II
Also over, Bong Revilla’s and Jinggoy Estrada’s senatorial terms. They can now concentrate on their jail terms.

Liability
President-elect Duterte’s choice for House Speaker, Davao del Norte Rep. Pantaleon Alvarez says the 17th Congress will lower the age of criminal liability from the current 15 years old to 12 years old. Alvarez has cited reports that more and more children are being used by criminal syndicates in their operations. If the proposed bill is approved, criminal liability will be from 12 to Juan Ponce Enrile.

SOCE
Election laws state that candidates must submit their statement of contributions and expenditures to the Commission on Elections. This year, the deadline was June 8 which coincidentally was declared World Fiction Writing Day.

Walang Himala
The Vatican has decreed that the reported apparitions of the Virgin Mary and the shower of rose petals in Lipa City, Batangas in 1948 had no supernatural basis. That came as a shock since it was announced by the same group of people who still believe in talking snakes or that humans can turn into pillars of salt.

1CNBC
US Polls
It’s official. Hillary Clinton will go head-to-head with Donald Trump in the US presidential elections this November. Clinton is the official candidate of the Democratic Party while controversial Trump won the nomination of PDP-Laban.
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“There’s something wrong with your character if opportunity controls your loyalty.”
~Anonymous

Sound Bites
“Sorry huh. Talagang ano ako, boycott talaga until the end of my term. ‘Pag interview, maraming mali, marami namang criticism, so better no interview, no criticism, no wrong statement, no nothing
~President-elect Rodrigo Duterte

“Such provocative messages indicate to any person who is displeased by the work of a journalist or an activist, for example, that they can attack or kill them without fear of sanction.”
~Christof Heyns, UN expert on summary executions re: Duterte’s recent statement

“Fuck you UN… Shut up all of you.”
~President-elect Duterte

Stay classy.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte & Enrile: Inquirer.net; Trump & Clinton: CNBC]





OUT OF CONTEXT

3 06 2016

“Just because you’re a journalist doesn’t mean you’re exempted from assassination if you are a son of a bitch.”

1EricDeCastroReuters
President-elect Rodrigo Duterte’s controversial statement on the killing of corrupt journalists sparked outrage recently. Incoming presidential spokesperson Salvado Panelo, defense lawyer of the Ampatuans, said the media who “took Duterte out of context” must be more “discerning” about the foul-mouthed mayor’s statements. Panelo stressed, “Duterte is against all ILLEGAL killings.” The Davao Death Squad couldn’t stop laughing.

The president-elect’s spokesman during the campaign, Peter Laviña said Duterte was “taken out of context” by the media. Everytime Duterte’s controversial statements get flak, Laviña would correct those who “misinterpret” his statements – fueling speculations he’ll soon be appointed director of the Bureau of Corrections.

When a reporter covering his press conference insisted that bad journalism was not an excuse for murder, President-elect Duterte replied, “You have to debate with the killer, not me.” In other news, the Ampatuans just announced they have found a new lawyer.

Scenarios
A: Sexy Time
Duterte: Darling, sobrang lamig ng aircon. Naka-kamison ka. Naka-brief lang ako. Patay na ang ilaw. Alam mo na!

Woman: Grabe ka naman darling. Kagabi lang at kaninang umaga, nagtalik tayo ah. ‘Di ka ba napapagod?

Duterte: Huh?! Na-misinterpret mo na naman ako darling! Wala akong sinabing magtatalik tayo! ‘Tang ina! Matulog na nga tayo!

B: The Bodyguard
Duterte: O, Bogart. Iniwanan ka na naman pala ng girlfriend mo. Siguro ikaw talaga ang problema. Alam mo ba ‘yong Viagra?

Bodyguard: Sir, bente-siyete anyos lang ako. Hindi ko problema ang pagtayo ng ari ko.

Duterte: Bakit?! May sinabi ba akong may problema ka sa ari mo? Nagtanong lang ako dahil wala akong alam tungkol sa Viagra! Out of context ka, gago!

C: Bongbong
Duterte: Wala akong ibibigay na puwesto kay Robredo dahil malaki ang paggalang ko sa ‘yo. We’re friends.

Bongbong Marcos: Salamat Mayor. Ano bang balak mong ibigay na puwesto sa akin after ng one-year ban sa mga natalong kandidato?

Duterte: May sinabi ba akong bibigyan kita ng puwesto? Ang sabi ko lang wala akong ibibigay na puwesto kay Robredo. ‘Wag mo akong i-misinterpret. Sira ulo!

Change Is Coming
Trash-talking Mayor Duterte promises “metamorphosis” once he is sworn into office. Change will come he says. For example, he’ll lessen his “Putang inas” to 20 per week from the usual 50.

1Pastor
Saycon
Political operator Pastor Boy Saycon who was claiming election fraud tried to stop the proclamation of President-elect Rodrigo Duterte and Vice President-elect Leni Robredo last Monday. He failed!  But Saycon was so funny, he was given three minutes by Congress to do stand up comedy.

Pastor Boy Saycon accuses the Liberal Party of rigging the elections in Quezon Province. His three witnesses, all Iglesia Ni Cristo members, claimed 500,000 votes were shaved from Bongbong Marcos and added to the votes of Leni Robredo. But official results showed Robredo only got a total of 385,164 votes in the province. Congress told Saycon and his INC witnesses to return some other day but advised them to exert more effort rehearsing their lines.


Reptile Alert
A giant alligator was caught on tape taking a leisurely stroll on a Florida golf course. Reptiles on golf courses are unusual for some. In the Philippines, it’s called “Congress in recess.”

A giant alligator was filmed loping across a golf course in Florida. Filipinos praised the reptile for taking a stroll without a bodyguard.
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“Those whom the gods wish to destroy they first make mad.”
~Euripides

Sound Bites
“Puta’ng ina! Sinabi ko mga ugok, puta’ng ina. I can lose the presidency, my life, my honor. Just don’t fuck with me. Huwag n’yo na akong takutin. Boycott, boycott, leche kayo, e ‘di mag-boycott kayo!”
~President-elect Rodrigo Duterte

Six years. And he hasn’t officially started yet. SMH.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte: Erik De Castro/Reuters; Boy Saycon: Rappler]








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