17 10 2018

First published in the Philippine Daily Inquirer last October 14, 2018.

During a Cabinet meeting, President Duterte announced that the recent tests on his esophagus came back negative for cancer. Members of the Cabinet erupted in cheers and congratulated the President. Suddenly, his liver spoke, “Don’t celebrate just yet.”

The President and his family went on an unannounced trip to Hong Kong recently, apparently, to seek second opinion. The next day, Mr. Duterte got the confirmation: t-shirts and jackets cost less in Hong Kong.


Chief Presidential Legal Counsel Salvador Panelo is replacing Harry Roque. He is now the President’s chief sanitary engineer.


President Duterte revealed when outgoing presidential spokesman Harry Roque told him he wanted to resign, he replied, “Go ahead!” Breaking: Harry Roque’s heart.


Harry Roque is currently in China for a private engagement. But he’ll be back tomorrow. He can’t wait to consult his family, talk to the President, and update his curriculum vitae.


Alan Peter Cayetano has stepped down as foreign affairs secretary. Reports say he is seeking a congressional post, and wants to be Speaker. Oh, he probably misses it. He’s been very quiet for more than two years now.


Former police chief Ronald ‘Bato’ de la Rosa, who is seeking a Senate seat, was recently quoted to have said, “Galit na galit ako sa gumagawa ng EJKs. Ang gumagawa niyan walang b****g!” When President Duterte heard this, he sought for a second opinion.


Feuding half-brothers JV Ejercito and Jinggoy Estrada are both running for senator. But JV, who pushed for the passage of a bill banning political dynasties, believes it’s not acceptable to have two Estradas in the Senate. And the Cayetano siblings were like, “Okay lang ‘yun!”


Folk artist and staunch Duterte supporter, Freddie Aguilar has filed his certificate of candidacy for senator. Aguilar is a cultural icon whose music we grew up listening to. I can’t wait to not vote for him in 2019.


Anson Tuana, a 39-year-old senatorial aspirant, who also filed his COC, claimed he was an ex-boyfriend of resigned Assistant Presidential Communications Secretary Mocha Uson. A number of people actually believed Tuana’s claim saying ‘the customer is always right.’

Anson Tuana claimed he was an ex-boyfriend of Mocha Uson. Uson’s supporters say Tuana is a liar who spreads lies. To which, Tuana replied, “That’s exactly why we clicked.”


In Makati City, siblings Junjun and Abby Binay are on a collision course as both have expressed interest in running for mayor next year. Taking a potshot at his sister’s “different” style of governance, Junjun says he carries the “Binay brand, the brand of governance that my father did for the people of Makati.” To which, the Makati City Hall Building II said, “I know, right?”


The Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency (PDEA) says methamphetamine hydrochloride or shabu has “flooded” the streets of Metro Manila. When told about it, President Duterte ordered PDEA to take over the operations of the MMDA.


Prices of basic commodities continue to rise but the cost of shabu has reportedly dropped by more than a third. This has prompted the President to revamp his economic team to include people from the Bureau of Customs.


Former Assistant Presidential Communications Secretary Mocha Uson claims Communist rebels are to be blamed if she gets killed. The country is in crisis. We don’t have the luxury of fairy tales. Next issue please.


Two persons allegedly won the more than one billion peso-Ultra Lotto 6/58 jackpot. To the administration candidates in next year’s elections, congratulations!
“It is hard to imagine a more stupid or more dangerous way of making decisions than by putting those decisions in the hands of people who pay no price for being wrong.”
~Thomas Sowell

Sound Bites
“Well, eventually, uod man magiging butterfly ulit so inggit ka lang, you’re stuck as an uod. Butterfly tayo!”
~Harry Roque during his GGV guesting


Twitter: @hecklerforever8

[Photo: Philippine Star]



9 10 2018

PRESIDENT DUTERTE goes shopping in Hong Kong. Mocha gets fired. Harry Roque is a no-show in his own press briefing. Richard Gordon refuses to investigate Calida. Mar Roxas’s wife cozies up to the purveyor of fake news. Everyday gets crazier under the Duterte administration. Here are some picture memes I created on the latest headlines.

Harry and Friends

Harry on Leave

Duterte Biopsy

Duterte Shopping

Duterte Green

Mocha Fired

Mocha BBM Boss

Mocha Korina

CJ De Castro

Calida and Gordon

Duterte Leni
“It’s time to care; it’s time to take responsibility; it’s time to lead; it’s time for a change; it’s time to be true to our greatest self; it’s time to stop blaming others.”
~Steve Maraboli

Sound Bites
“Hindi ko ugali ang mamulitika; mas gusto kong tahimik na magtrabaho. Pero sasabihin ko ito ngayon: ang tapang, lakas, at diskarte, hindi nadadaan sa mapanirang salita. Ang kailangan ng taumbayan ay tapang sa gawa.”
~Vice President Leni Robredo


I am on Twitter: @hecklerforever8

[Photos:; SAP Bong Go; RTVM]


7 10 2018

Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte offers reward to a group of teenage boys who saved his life.


1 10 2018

This article was first published by the Philippine Daily Inquirer on Sept. 30, 2018.

In a speech in Malacañang, President Duterte admitted, “My only sin is extrajudicial killings.” And then he said, “I’m not under oath, am I?”

Defending Duterte’s statement, Chief Presidential Legal Counsel Salvador Panelo said, “He’s Bisaya.” PNP Chief Oscar Albayalde said it was uttered “because of frustration” while former senator Juan Ponce Enrile insisted, “Only one was killed and none was arrested in Duterte’s war on drugs.”

Everyone expected palace spokesman Harry Roque to say that President Duterte was just joking. But in a radio interview, Roque said the President was just being “playful.” And then he went on to thank his friend who gave him a new thesaurus on his last birthday.


According to President Duterte, drug dependents were to blame for the country’s rice crisis. In a joint statement, Agriculture and NFA officials denied they were drug dependents.

President Duterte joked that recovering drug dependents, whom he described as “mga ulol” (crazed) were to blame for the country’s rice crisis because they have started eating again. Recovering drug dependents then expressed alarm when Duterte added, “I will appoint Ozamiz City Police Chief Jovie Espenido to the NFA.”

I just noticed there’s Duterte, a joke, drug dependent, and ulol in one sentence. Apologies for the redundancy.

In his next speech, the President will try to figure out a way to blame the peso’s slump on drug addicts.


Palace spokesman Harry Roque says the “foremost priority” of the Duterte administration right now is “fighting inflation.” In case you’re not aware, inflation was arrested last week on rehashed rebellion charges but was released after posting bail.


Solicitor General Jose Calida has threatened to file a libel complaint against Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV if the senator “doesn’t express his sincere apology” for accusing him of stealing his amnesty application documents. Calida insists he is not a thief. Is he being playful too?


Last September 12, President Duterte revealed an alleged plot to oust him on Sept. 21. Nothing happened. This week, the military said there was a plot to bring down Duterte in October (calling it ‘Red October’) and another in November and one more in December. So far, two “leaders” of the alleged plot to eliminate Duterte are being monitored. They were identified as Buerger and Barrett.


Former senate president Aquilino Pimentel Jr. advised Communications Assistant Sec. Mocha Uson to stop meddling in the government’s federalism campaign and go back to showbiz instead. In response, ‘showbiz’ said, “We already have Robin Padilla. We can only take so much.”

Sources told Inquirer Lifestyle editor Lito Zulueta that Mocha Uson would resign from the Presidential Communications Operations Office “anytime soon.” Mocha has yet to inform her boss about her decision but she’s confident Bongbong Marcos will understand.


Chinese-backed Maldivian President Abdulla Yameen, the tyrannical leader who jailed political rivals on dubious charges lost his re-election bid earlier this week. Yameen appeared on television to concede. He was flanked by his two sons, Baste Yameen and Pulong Yameen.
“A guilty conscience needs no accuser.”

Sound Bites
“Extraordinary statement by a Head of State (and we have had many this week at the UN): my ‘only’ sin is #EJK. Translation: my only sin is imposing unthinkable sufferings on 1000s of vulnerable families, emboldening corrupt policing, destroying rule of law.”
~Agnes Callamard, United Nations special rapporteur


I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever8


18 09 2018

This article was first published in the Opinion Page of the Philippine Daily Inquirer last Sept. 16, 2018.


IN HIS RECENT tête-à-tête with Chief Presidential Legal Counsel Salvador Panelo, President Duterte mentioned the name of Senator Trillanes at least 20 times. And that could be a problem. The last time he uttered someone else’s name that much, his wife filed for annulment.


Critics described President Duterte’s behavior during his talk with Panelo as “childish” and “immature.” Duterte lashed back at them threatening repeatedly to “tell Mom.”


A couple of days back, President Duterte presided over a command conference for typhoon Ompong. It was great to see someone on top of something he’s really good at: disasters.


It’s still several weeks ‘til Halloween but on his TV appearances, we can notice President Duterte is already wearing a mask.

When asked about the status of his health, the President talked about Jose Maria Sison, the Magdalo Group, and the alleged conspiracy to oust him. He’s not well, obviously.

Here’s another pre-Halloween joke for you. Two guys (who do not know each other) wearing identical Bongbong Marcos masks walk into a Halloween costume party. One of the guys says, “Well, this is awkward. We can’t be both losers tonight.”


Defense Sec. Delfin Lorenzana admitted it was Solicitor General Jose Calida who called him on August 16 “to get the amnesty records” of Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV. Fifteen days later, President Duterte would claim Trillanes’s amnesty records were missing. Remember the saying, “Never judge a book by its cover?” Not all the time.


For helping authorities detect shabu in the magnetic lifters found in a warehouse in Cavite, a 6-year-old dog named ‘Odel’ was awarded a ‘Medalya ng Papuri’ by the Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency. The President has earlier dismissed the P6.8B shabu shipment as “pure speculation.” Solicitor General Jose Calida has started his inquiry into Odel’s training records.


According to Gallup’s annual Global Emotions Report, 2017 was the world’s most miserable year in more than a decade. People experienced worry, physical pain, sadness, stress, and anger. Or as that’s called in the Philippines, the five stages of Duterte’s War on Drugs.


The Department of Justice is offering a reward of P500,000 for information leading to the arrest of alleged-big time drug lord, Peter Lim. Even Peter Lim was like, “Five hundred thousand??? Do you want me arrested or not?”


Here’s a bad news: There have been reports that some witnesses against Andal Ampatuan Jr. have recanted their testimonies. Harry Roque, a former counsel of some Maguindanao massacre victims, is upset. He couldn’t believe that witnesses would just abandon the side of truth in exchange for something. To which, those witnesses replied, “Look who’s talking.”
“Sorry to hear your body is as sick as your mind.”

Sound Bites
“There is an evolving story sa Itogon, Barangay Ucab… 43 persons doon, nag-collapse ‘yung church… Kaya nga ito eh, alam mo Sir sa totoo lang, kung pinalitan niyo ‘yung pari diyan, ‘di magbagsak ‘yan. Bobo kasi itong mga pari, p*tang*na!”
~Rodrigo Duterte


I am STILL on Twitter: @hecklerforever8

Photo: via the DA Secretary


12 09 2018

WHEN TWO DICKS talk, is that a tête-à-tête? Asking for a friend.

In case you missed it, here are some excerpts from President Duterte’s one-and-a-half-hour tête-à-tête with Chief Presidential Legal Counsel Salvador Panelo last September 11, 2018.












“An obsession with control generally seems to reflect a fear of uncertainty.”
~Henry Mintberg

Sound Bites
“What a sad, tragic, and unfortunate misuse of the national attention.”
~Former Solicitor General Florin Hilbay on Duterte’s têtê-à-têtê with Panelo


I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever8

[Photos: Philippine Star; RTVM Screen Grab]


6 09 2018

On the revocation of Senator Trillanes’s amnesty

Una, pasalamat muna ako sa gobyerno ng Israel sa mainit na pagtanggap sa akin. Akala ko nga bugbugin na ako ng mga Israeli dahil sa Hitler jokes ko. Mababait naman pala. Buti pa sila nakaintindi ng Hitler at rape jokes ko. ‘Tong mga Pinoy, sila pa ‘tong napaka-sensitive. Pisti!

Maraming tumawag sa akin at nagtanong tungkol sa nangyayari sa Pilipinas. ‘Di ako pinatulog ng mga yawa. Walang hinto ang text at tawag. ‘Di ko nga sinagot. Alam n’yong nagtrabaho ako dito sa Israel ‘tapos abalahin n’yo ako mga putang ina n’yo. Pati ba naman si Trillanes, prublimahin ko pa? But since you asked, ganito ‘yan. Wala na akong pakialam sa gagong ‘yan. Ayaw ko na ngang pansinin ‘yan.

Hindi ko naman alam, nilakad pala ni Calida ‘yung amnesty-amnesty nung gago. Eh anong magawa ko kung magtrabaho ‘yung tao ko? Pigilan ko ba? Nang papirmahan sa akin ang dokumento, ‘di ko binasa dahil masakit ang t’yan ko. Malay ko bang ‘yun pala ang laman nun.

Pero kung sabihin n’yo, “political persecution,” gago! Nasa Israel nga ako, ba’t ako pagbintangan n’yo? Ba’t ‘di n’yo tanungin si Calida?

Tapos isisi n’yo rin sa akin ang inflation rate. Tarantado. Kausap ko ang prisidinti sa Israel, ako sisihin n’yo sa presyo ng bilihin d’yan?!

Balikan ko lang ‘yung gago, kung walang basehan ang pag-revoke ng amnesty kay Trillanes, go to court. Any court! ‘Di ka urungan ng mga abogado ko.

I REPEAT: this is not political persecution. My government will not go after my political opponents without legal basis!

Kay Trillanes, akala ko ba matapang ka? Sinugod mo ang Oakwood; sinugod mo ang Manila Peninsula; binasag mo ang mga pasô at salamin, binulabog mo ang mga guests, tarantado ka. Tapos ngayon, nagtago ka d’yan sa Senado. Gago!

Lastly, ‘pasalamat nga pala ako kay Robin Padilla. Alam n’yo, kung gusto n’yo ng totoong matapang na senador, ‘yan ang iboto n’yo sa sunod na eleksyon. Tama ang ginawa n’ya dahil the law allows citizen’s arrest! Pwede niyang arestuhin si Trillanes. Wala mang pipiligil sa kanya. Guwapo eh. Sus, baka nga pa-rape pa sa kanya ang mga babae at bakla d’yan sa Senado. Pilahan man siya. Suportahan natin si Robin.

Again, this preposterous allegation of political persecution has no basis. I call on my supporters to reject this narrative of the Dilawan. Pastilan!

Ito, hindi joke. Na-miss ko kayong lahat. Pabalik na ako galing Israel. Stay lang kami ng isa pang araw dahil namasyal pa ang mga kasama ko. See you soon.

Mabuhay ang sambayang Pilipino! Daghang salamat.

Twitter: @hecklerforever8


3 09 2018

This article first appeared in the Philippine Daily Inquirer on Sept. 2, 2018.

It’s September – the start of the long Christmas season for many Filipinos – except for Teresita Leonardo-De Castro who got her Christmas gift a week earlier. Merry Christmas!

Newly-installed Supreme Court Chief Justice Teresita Leonardo-De Castro defends her appointment to the SC’s highest post saying President Duterte doesn’t know her personally. She adds, “I don’t think the President would do anything that will impair the independence of the judiciary.” Apparently, she doesn’t know Duterte personally.

* * * * *

The Department of Agriculture has approved the importation of 17,000 metric tons of galunggong (round scad) from China starting this month. Agriculture Sec. Emmanuel Piñol will personally supervise the importation. In fact, when the galunggongs arrive in our ports, Piñol will be the one holding the “Welcome back!” banner.

Claiming it would address the rice shortage in Zamboanga, Basilan, Tawi-tawi and Sulu, Agriculture Secretary Emmanuel Piñol has proposed to legalize rice smuggling. Even rice smugglers were like, “No, thanks. We’re doing just fine.”

Still on Piñol, the Secretary downplayed reports that imported rice from Thailand were infested with weevils or bukbok, a type of beetle. He said, “Serve me bukbok rice, I will eat it.” In the interest of fairness, let’s ask the bukbok if they’re willing to be served to Piñol.

* * * * *

Change has come indeed. The Philippines now imports galunggong; a top government official openly supports rice smuggling, and recently, the University of the Philippines has become the newest party venue for Marcos loyalists.

* * * * *

A group of young men from Malabon City got into trouble when a video they created in 2016 surfaced and became viral. In the video, the men are smoking pot and cursing at President Duterte. Are you guys insane? Never ever do those things again. Never smoke pot, and never record yourselves cursing at the President!

Alleged big time drug lord Peter Lim was a no-show at his arraignment in Makati City for drug conspiracy charges. The police have yet to locate and arrest him. Let’s hope he creates a video cursing at the President, too.

In his regular press conference, presidential spokesperson Harry Roque calmly appealed to alleged big-time drug lord Peter Lim to “PLEASE surrender.” In response, Peter Lim told Roque, “PLEASE don’t be too obvious.”

* * * * *

In a Congressional hearing last Thursday, Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency chief Aaron Aquino insisted the four magnetic filters found in Cavite last month contained shabu. Siding with the Bureau of Customs (BOC) though, President Duterte had previously dismissed the claim as “pure speculation.” But Aquino would rather believe PDEA’s K-9 unit. The dogs which “responded twice” during the inspection could detect scents 10,000 times better than humans. In fact, rumors say, when the K-9 unit heard about the statements of the BOC and the President, the dogs detected cover-up.

* * * * *

President Duterte claims the CIA is listening to his conversations, and is plotting to kill him. As a precautionary measure, Duterte will now avoid his regular conversations… with himself.

* * * * *

Reports say Russian trolls and bots spread misinformation on vaccine safety in the US to sow public discord. The report has prompted PAO Chief Persida Acosta to issue a statement denying she’s Russian.

* * * * *

Quezon City Rep. Vincent “Bingbong” Crisologo filed a case against his driver who allegedly stole the P200,000 cash he entrusted to him for safekeeping. The suspected thief is medium-built, soft-spoken, and looks up to congressmen as role models.

* * * * *

For several days now, PCOO Assistant Secretary Mocha Uson has not committed any blunder on social media. This is alarming. To Mocha’s followers, please pray for her.

* * * * *

Whenever I see Kris Aquino’s photos on social media these days, I am reminded of the film ‘Crazy Rich Asians.’ Whenever I see President Duterte’s close-up photos on social media these days, I am reminded of the film, ‘Fifty Shades of Gray.” Please pray for him, too.
“All cruelty springs from weakness.”

Sound Bites
“Instead of continuing to glorify a dictator who stole billions from our country, drove the nation into debt, and presided over the murder and imprisonment of thousands of Filipinos, he can work on truly unifying the nation, and assuring our people, especially those at the fringes, that their voices are being heard and that their daily suffering will soon be eased.”
~Vice President Leni Robredo


Twitter: @Hecklerforever8


27 08 2018

Chief Justice
Supreme Court of the Philippines

SABADO, August 25. Magtatanghali noon.

Nasa fruits and vegetables section ako sa supermarket nang matanggap ko ang isang text message. Ang sabi:

AAAUwian Na

Hindi ko na-gets ang message ni Mareng Gloria kaya nag-reply ako.

AAAUwian Na2

At sumagot naman siya:

AAAUwian Na3

Napatalon ako sa labis na tuwa. Naitulak ko tuloy nang ‘di sinasadya ang push cart at nabunggo nito ang kalapit na table. Nahulog ang dalawang pirasong ampalaya. Tse! Pati ba naman dito may hater!

Nagsunud-sunod na ang tawag at text sa akin. To cut a long story short, hindi na ako namili. Umuwi na lang ako. Hindi ko kinaya ang moment na ‘yun. Iba! On my way home, nag-log in ako sa Twitter using my secret account. Bahala na kayong humula kung ano ang Twitter handle ko. Basta ang clue, active na active ako. ‘Di n’yo lang alam na ako ‘yun.

Pero pingsisihan ko ang paggamit ng Twitter nang araw na iyon. Grabe! Ang daming nega. Ang daming inggitera. Ang daming bashers. ‘Yung isa nga, muntik ko nang replyan, “Ganda ka ‘teh?” Kaya lang baka mag-boomerang. ‘Wag na lang.

Pero dahil sa walang tigil na batikos sa akin, nagpasya akong maglabas na lang ng maikling pahayag para maipagtanggol ko naman ang aking sarili. Ito na nga ‘yun.

Sabi nila, ambisyosa at ganid daw ako sa kapangyarihan. Excuse me! Hindi ako ambisyosa.

Sabi nila, shameless at bitter daw ako. Excuse me! Hindi ako shameless!

Sabi nila, wala raw akong integridad at wala ring delicadeza! Excuse me again! Meron akong integridad.

Sabi nila, tuta raw ako ni Duterte at gagamitin ni Bongbong para maging bise presidente! Excuse me! Hindi ako tuta ni Duterte.

At ang hindi ko talaga matanggap, ‘yung sabihin nilang, “Pangit ka na nga, pangit pa ang ugali mo.” Excuse me! EXCUUUUSE ME! Basta.

Sa aking kaarawan sa Oktubre ay magreretiro na rin ako. Sa madaling salita, apatnapu’t isang araw lang akong mauupo bilang Chief Justice. Pero wala sa ikli o haba ng termino ‘yan. Kung desidido kang wasakin, I mean, paglingkuran ang bansa mo, magagawa mo ‘yan sa panahong ipinagkaloob sa ‘yo ng Panginoon.

Nabanggit ko na rin lang ang Panginoon, nagpapasalamat ako kay Pangulong Duterte sa kanyang pagtitiwala sa akin. Hindi ko po kayo bibiguin. #AlamNa

Kay Maria Lourdes Sereno, HA HA HA. Move on ka na ‘day.

At sa aking mga kritiko na walang tigil sa pamba-bash sa akin, sino ngayon ang bitter sa atin? Ako pa rin?

“It came to me. My own. My love. My own. My precious. We swears to serve the master of the precious. We will swear on the…on the precious.”
~Gollum, ‘The Lord of the Rings Trilogy’

Sound Bites
“We continue to suffer from the consequences of the legacy of evil that your father left behind. And it did not help that your family preserved his body. It only made us even more committed to never forget what had happened to our family members, our friends and our colleagues. Pray tell me, Imee, how can we move on?”
~Rufa Guiam, An Open Letter to Imee

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever8.


23 08 2018

THE LATE PHILIPPINE dictator Ferdinand Marcos amassed up to 10 billion dollars while in office. During martial law, some 34,000 were tortured, more than 3,000 were killed, and almost 400 disappeared never to be seen again. The Marcoses never apologized for the atrocities of the regime. There have been reports they’re willing to return a “portion” of their ill-gotten wealth but this too turned out to be BS.

Earlier this week, Imee Marcos, the dictator’s daughter, was quoted to have said, “The millennials have moved on, and I think people at my age should also move on as well.”

Thinking Filipino millennials have spoken via social media. Here are some of their responses via Twitter.




























“Win or lose, we go shopping after the election.”
~Imelda Marcos

Sound Bites
“Only in the Philippines could a leader like Ferdinand Marcos, who pillaged his country for over 20 years, still be considered for a national burial. Insignificant amounts of the loot have been recovered, yet his wife and children were allowed to return and engage in politics.”
~Lee Kwan Yew, former Prime Minister of Singapore


I am still on Twitter: @hecklerforever8


19 08 2018

This article first appeared in the Opinion Page of the Philippine Daily Inquirer on August 18, 2018.

Q: How many Rodrigo Dutertes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to curse the darkness.

Q: How many Rodrigo Dutertes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The report about the burnt out bulb is “pure speculation.”

Q: How many members of the Duterte administration does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five:
1. One to announce that the light bulb needs to be changed;
2. One to create a controversial viral dance video about it;
3. One to blame ‘dilawans” for the old bulb burning out;
4. One to buy a new bulb from China, and
5. One to publish a fake news article titled, “Duterte voted best electrician in the solar system”

Q: How many Antonio Trillaneses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to initiate a probe into the possible involvement of President Duterte in the old light bulb’s ‘death.’

Q: How many Ben Tulfos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. But he’ll demand P60 million for doing the task.

Q: How many Wanda Teo-Tulfos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to go shopping for a new bulb and one to change it.

Q: How many Richard Gordons does it take to change light bulb?
A: Only one. He holds the bulb in place and enjoys the moment as the world revolves around him.

Q: How many Alan Peter Cayetanos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he follows the step by step instructions of the Chinese.

Q: How many big time drug lords does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to smuggle the new light bulb and one to meet with the president to deny he was the supplier of the burnt out bulb.

Q: How many Gloria Macapagal-Arroyos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: At least three. The ceiling is too high.

Q: How many Sara Dutertes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. But she’ll make some calls to make sure the old bulb is replaced.

Q: How many minority bloc members in the Lower House does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Which minority bloc?

Q: How many economic managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he’ll insist on raising taxes to collect funds to buy a new bulb.

Q: How many ‘dilawans’ does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Thousands to chant, “Tama na! Sira na! Palitan na!” and one to replace it.

Q: How many BBM media influencers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?

Q: How many Persida Acostas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to call a press conference to present the burnt-out bulb.

Q: How many Manny Pacquiaos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Light bulbs are not mentioned in the Bible.

Q: How many millennials does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to record it live on Instagram.

Q: How many Mocha Usons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Are you sure you want her to do the job?

Q: How many Kris Aquinos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to record the moment for the whole world to see.

Q: How many Alma Morenos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Dasal lang, dasal lang talaga.

Q: How many Tito Sottos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (The punchline has been taken down upon the request of the senator.)

Q: How many Presidential Communications Operations Office copywriters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Tree.
“Facts are threatening to those invested in fraud.”
~DaShanne Stokes

Sound Bites
“Woe to you who drive the poor victims of drugs more deeply into poverty and misery! You who neither respect human rights nor human lives. You who trample on people’s dignity because they are poor and are unable to defend themselves!”
~Caloocan Bishop Pablo Virgilio David on the occasion of the first murder anniversary of Kian Lloyd De Los Santos


I still am on Twitter: @hecklerforever8


13 08 2018

A_1Shabu Filters-Rappler
A TON of shabu worth about 7 billion pesos was recently smuggled into the Philippines from Taiwan and China. Authorities couldn’t believe the boldness of the smugglers. The smugglers couldn’t believe the friendliness of this government.

The news came out last week but President Duterte has yet to speak about, much less, against the multibillion-peso shabu shipment. That’s natural though when you don’t want to offend friends.

Empty magnetic lifters which contained hundreds of kilos of shabu were traced in a warehouse in Cavite. Caviteños are hereby encouraged to ignore any advice that will come from Vice Gov. Jolo Revilla.

The Presidential Anti-Corruption Commission is investigating reports Customs people had conspired with the smugglers of the P7-B drug shipment. The PACC will not rush to judgment though. It vows to exercise fairness and follow this government’s procedure in handling corrupt officials: 1: Investigate 2: File a case 3: Dismiss case 4: Reappoint.

Amid the latest calamity to hit the metro, the hashtag #NasaanSiDuterte trended on Twitter on Sunday. Netizens have been asking about President Duterte’s whereabouts. Since Thursday, not much has been heard from him – which is probably the best thing that ever happened in recent weeks.

1MarikinaABSCBN News.jpg

Q: What do President Duterte and the 7-billion-peso shabu shipment have in common?
A: Both are missing.

Finance Chief Carlos Dominguez III and Socioeconomic Planning Secretary Ernesto Pernia have both spoken against the proposed shift to the federal system of government. Dominguez and Pernia are both economic managers. They are both trusted men of Duterte. And both are gonna be jobless soon (probably).

Palace spokesman Harry Roque was quoted to have said, “I think there’s a 100 percent agreement that we’re (Cabinet) pushing for federalism.” Now that’s a shocker. Harry Roque “thinks?!”

Fake News
Someone hacked into the official Facebook page of Cambodian Prime Minister Hun Sen and posted fake information. Poor hackers! In the Philippines, people are even paid to post fake information on, about and for the President.

Social Media
A neuroscientist says social media is making people behave like three-year-olds. Duterte is not into social media. So, how do you explain his behavior?

Duterte Update:
It took a while before he reacted to the #NasaanSiDuterte question but Epal King, Bong Go told the media the President was “monitoring” the situation from Davao and Malacañang. “No worries. We’re fine,” replied the smugglers of the P7-B shabu shipment.
“People are dying because of ignorance. They are dying because unremitting propaganda is denying them essential safety information. They are dying because the first casualty of war is truth, and the war on drugs is no different.”
~Dominic Milton Trott

Sound Bites
From forensic pathologist Raquel Fortun (Twitter):


I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Shabu Filters: Ben Nabong/Rappler; Fernando G. Sepe Jr., ABS-CBN News]


6 08 2018

This piece first appeared in the Opinion Section of the Philippine Daily Inquirer on August 5, 2018

EARLIER this week, a number of senators took the voluntary drug test at the Senate. Unconfirmed results showed many of them were working under the influence… of Duterte.

* * * * * * *

Controversial Communications Assistant Secretary Mocha Uson has been tapped by President Duterte’s Charter Change committee to lecture Filipinos about federalism. Members of that committee should undergo a drug test.

* * * * * * *

Mocha Uson has been cast in a film starring Hollywood actor and Trump supporter, Stephen Baldwin. In the movie, Uson will play the role of an honest and competent reporter – making the film the most highly-anticipated comedy of the year.

The film’s producer says Uson will be “doing what she does best – reporting.” So it’s not just a comedy. It’s a fiction within a fiction.

Titled ‘Kaibigan,’ the film features Baldwin as a father trying to guide his son towards the right path. The son eventually became a city vice mayor who got involved in drug smuggling. Sorry, that’s a different movie.

Controversial former Tourism Promotions Board chief Cesar Montano will be directing the film. To ensure a hassle-free production, Montano will be supervised by Hollywood producers, industry veterans, and an internal auditor.

* * * * * * *

Ben Tulfo’s lawyer Ferdinand Topacio says returning the P60-M his client earned from the Tourism Department’s ad placements is “a matter between Tulfo and his conscience.” In the interest of fairness, we tried to get the side of the conscience but we couldn’t locate it.

* * * * * * *

There was a rumored assassination plot against President Duterte recently. As Filipinos, we should all be concerned about his safety. After all, he is the president of this country. We want him to be in perfect shape when he stands before the International Criminal Court.

* * * * * * *

Presidential Assistant Bong Go insists the President is in “tiptop condition” amid rumors he is sick. Many people thought something was wrong with Duterte during his third State of the Nation Address because he didn’t utter any cuss words.

* * * * * * *

Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo has just become the fourth highest official in the land. She is now also the second most powerful woman in the country after Sara Duterte.

Sen. Panfilo Lacson has warned that House Speaker Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo may be eyeing the post of prime minister. GMA has denied it. Among many other things.

* * * * * * *

Reports say not a single senator is willing to defend the passage of the second package of the Tax Reform for Acceleration and Inclusion (TRAIN) law. Many lawmakers are wary about the tax measure’s effects on gas prices, inflation, and their bid for reelection.

* * * * * * *

The Court of Appeals has affirmed a Securities and Exchange Commission ruling that Rappler is not 100 percent Filipino-owned and controlled. A social news network, Rappler has been critical of Rodrigo Duterte, the Philippine president who is suspected to be 100 percent Chinese-owned and controlled.

* * * * * * *

Senate President Vicente Sotto III revealed President Duterte once called and threatened a rice trader for alleged hoarding. Sotto said the President even asked the unidentified person on the line where he lived. Rumors say Duterte did the same thing to the suspected smuggler of the P6.4B shabu shipment. He called and threatened him. He didn’t have to ask where he lived though.

* * * * * * *

Ozamis City Councilor Ricardo Parojinog, brother of slain Ozamiz City Mayor Reynaldo Parojinog Sr., a suspected drug lord, has been repatriated from Taiwan. He is now in police custody in Camp Crame and will probably remain there until his ‘nanlaban’ schedule.

* * * * * * *

Russian scientists have revived tiny worms frozen for 42,000 years in Siberian permafrost. The news made former Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile nostalgic because he used to play with those worms when he was a kid.
“To be of good quality, you have to excuse yourself from the presence of shallow and callow minded individuals.”
~Michael Bassey Johnson

Sound Bites
“I-pepe, I-dede, I-pepederalismo!”
~Mocha Uson in a viral pro-federalism campaign video

And you thought it can’t get any lower.

My temporary Twitter account: @hecklerforever8


19 07 2018

State of the Nation Address
Rodrigo R. Duterte
President of the Philippines

[To be delivered at the Session Hall of the House of Representatives,
Batasang Pambansa Complex, Quezon City on July 23, 2018]

SPEAKER PANTALEON Alvarez, Senate President Vicente ‘Tito’ Sotto III, Vice Presi… Sandali, akalain mo ‘yun. Dati pinanood ko lang si Tito sa Eat Bulaga. Ngayon, presidente na ng Senado. Pati ako nabulaga. Hehehe Congratulations! (Applause)

Vice President Leni Robredo, Uy! Nandiyan ka pa rin ma’am? Yawa. Chief Justice Maria… wala na nga pala tayong Chief Justice. Congratulations! (Applause) Former presidents Fidel V. Ramos, Joseph Ejercito Estrada, Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo and Benig… absent nga pala si gago. ‘T*ng i*a, kung ayaw mong magpakita, eh ‘di wag!

Members of the House of Representatives and the Senate; distinguished members of the diplomatic corps; the delegation from Beijing; fellow workers in government; mga minamahal kong kababayan…

I will resign!


Sabi ko, I will resign!

(Whispers, murmurs)

Kinabahan kayo ‘no? ‘Kita ko ‘yung mukha ni Harry Roque, biglang nanlaki ang mata. Sabi siguro, “’Tang i*a, saan ako pupulutin ‘pag nawala si Duterte?!” Hehehe Of course, I was just joking. Ba’t ako magre-resign eh nasa puwesto pa ‘yung incompetent? Ano ako, tanga? I will NOT resign. (Applause/Standing ovation)

* * * * * *

As I have promised, hindi lalampas ng 35 minutes ang aking speech. Paninindigan ko ‘to. Kahit man lang ‘yan, matupad ko. (Canned Laughter/Applause)

* * * * * *

Gusto ko munang batiin ang mga nanonood sa China. Live tayo ngayon sa China Central Television. Nǐ hǎo! Bǎohù wǒ. Wǒ shì nǐ de púrén! Ko sing gaw lu, ta singkwen baw sa! Xièxiè! ‘Tang i*a, ano kaya ‘yung sinabi ko? Sino bang sumulat nito? Bahala na. Google n’yo na lang.

* * * * * *

Mula nang maupo ako sa pwesto at simulan ang war on drugs, wala na akong narinig kundi puro reklamo. Winawasak ko raw ang pamilyang Filipino. Walang katotohanan ‘yan. Sa aking administrasyon, lalo pa ngang naging close ang magkakapamilya. Kitang-kita ang pagsusumikap at pagtutulungan nila upang umasenso. ‘Wag na tayong lumayo pa. Kasama natin ngayong hapon sa gallery ang pamilya Tulfo. Palakpakan natin sila. (Applause)

* * * * * *

Napakalaki ng nabawas sa red tape sa gobyerno. Dahil na rin ito sa masisipag nating empleyado. Walang break-break kahit lunch. Wala ring merye-meryenda. Umulan man o umaraw, tuloy ang serbisyo. Multitasking pa nga ang iba. Tingnan n’yo si former DOT secretary Wanda Tulfo-Teo, sabi ng COA, nagtatrabaho na, nagsha-shopping pa! Mabuhay ka! (Applause)

* * * * * *

Ayon sa mga gagong Dilaw, malayo raw ang performance ko sa mga nagawa ni Noynoy Aquino. P*tang i*a, napikon ako. Kaya ayun, ginaya ko! Tinanggal niya si Corona, tinanggal ko si Sereno! It’s a tie! (Applause)

* * * * * *

Isa pang nakakabuwisit ‘yang mga nagsasabing galit daw ako sa mahihirap. Wala silang bukambibig kundi “Anti-poor si Duterte! Mahihirap ang pinapatay ni Duterte!” Nang sumunod na Lunes, pinatay ‘yung Mayor Halili. Binatikos pa rin si Duterte! ‘T*ng i*a! Ginawa ko na ngang lahat ‘di ba? Mahirap, mayaman, itinumba! Kulang pa ba?

* * * * * *

Masakit mapagbintangang mamamatay-tao. May nagsasabing pinapatay daw ng mga pulis ang nahuhuling drug suspects. ‘T*ng i*a! Kasinungalingan ‘yan! Ang binabaril lang ng masisipag nating pulis ay ‘yung mga nanlalaban. Tingnan n’yo sina Kerwin Espinosa at si kumpareng Peter Lim, never na lumaban. Kaya ‘yun, pinalaya ni Aguirre at ‘di na kinasuhan! (Applause)

* * * * * *

Personal sa akin ang paglaban sa ilegal na droga. Kumukulo talaga ang dugo ko ‘pag nakakakita ng biktima ng drug addicts. Mga hayup! Kaya sa nagpasok ng 6.4 bilyong pisong shabu last year, I don’t know who you are but I will find you and I will kill you! (Applause)

(Message alert tone)

Sandali, may nag-text, “Papa, nag-sorry na ako ‘di ba? Pasaylua na ko please.”

Na-wrong send yata. ‘Tuloy ko na ang speech ko.

Sa’n na ba ako? Nawala ako ah.

* * * * * *

Napakataas na raw ng presyo ng petrolyo sa bansa. Fake news ‘yan! Kung mahal ang petrolyo sa Pilipinas, bakit ‘yung mga eroplano ng China, sa Davao pa nagpapa-gas? (Applause)

* * * * * *

Sanga pala… sa Sabado, balak kong pumunta sa West Philippine Sea kasama si Willie Revillame. (Canned laughter) O, ba’t natawa kayo? Akala n’yo joke lang? Totoo! Nag-volunteer si Kuya Wil. Magpapalaro s’ya ng hephep hooray sa Chinese Coast Guard as an act of goodwill. ‘Tapos tuwing may mananalo, sisigaw siya. Alam n’yo ba kung ano ang isisigaw niya?


Bigyan ng isla ‘yan!


Mga gago. Joke ‘yun. Tumawa kayo!

(Canned laughter)

* * * * * *

Sinisisi ng marami ang TRAIN Law sa pagtaas ng presyo ng mga bilihin. Apektado na raw ang mahihirap. So gusto nila, i-suspend ko ang TRAIN Law. Kalokohan! Ganito lang ‘yan. Kung konti lang ang pera ng mahihirap na ‘yan, ibibili na lang nila ito ng bigas, asukal, o mantika. Hindi na sila makabili ng droga. In short, dahil sa TRAIN Law, mababawasan ang mga adik. Palakpakan natin ang TRAIN Law! (Applause)

* * * * * *

Ang sa akin lang, we need the money from the TRAIN Law for our Build, Build, Build program. Pambayad natin ‘yan sa China. Now, kung nagugutom ka dahil mahal ang bilihin, eh ‘di mag-pray ka. Walang impossible with god di ba? Punta ka sa church. Luhod ka. Hingi ka ng help sa imong god. Kung gutom ka pa rin after magsimba, stupid ang god mo. Lipat ka na lang sa Iglesia ni Rodrigo. (Canned laughter)

* * * * * *

Sabi ng SWS, 10.9 million daw ang walang trabahong Filipino noong 1st quarter ng 2018. Of course, luma na ang survey na ‘yan. Hoy Mahar Mangahas, i-update mo na ang figures mo bai! Malaki na ang nabawas d’yan kasi ipinadampot ko na ang mga tambay. (Applause)

* * * * * *

Batiin ko rin pala ang napakaraming OFWs na walang sawang sumusuporta sa akin. Ang daming comments sa Facebook: Watching from Dubai, watching from Italy, watching from Jeddah, watching from Taiwan, watching from Wakanda, watching from Qatar. Tuwang-tuwa ang mga gago kasi ang taas ng dollar. Pag-uwi, Duty Free. Bili ng Toblerone, Cadbury. ‘Yung kababayan nila sa Pilipinas, na-bury na kasi namatay sa gutom. Pisti. (Canned laughter) Uy, joke lang ‘yun huh. What I mean is, kung mataas ang dollar at mababa ang piso, ‘wag agad negative. Mag-benefit man d’yan ang mga OFW. (Applause)

* * * * * *

Pagdating naman sa kapaligiran, hindi ko rin naman kayo binigo. In fact, nitong nakaraang taon, naging aktibo ako sa 3Rs: Reduce, Reuse, Recycle. Ang mga sinibak ko sa gobyerno, ibinalik at inilipat ko sa ibang puwesto! (Applause)

* * * * * *

Baka sabihin n’yo, puro problema na lang itong si Duterte. Ulol ka ‘pag inisip mo ‘yun. Sa mga Dilawan at Ka-DDS d’yan, mag-focus na lang tayo sa positive things sa ating paligid. Nandiyan ang mababait nating fishermen sa West Philippine Sea. Kita n’yo naman… iluluto na lang ang mga huli, ipinamigay pa sa friends nilang Chinese. Talk about hospitality. Palakpakan natin sila. (Applause)

Nandito ba si Martin Andanar? Saang banda nakaupo?

*Spots Martin Andanar*

Ah, d’yan ka pala sa taas. Anyway, nandito ngayon ang mga tauhan ni Martin Andanar ng Communications Office who are very creative. Ang DOLE logo naging pinya ‘tapos ang Norway, naging Norwegia. Palakpakan din natin sila. (Applause)

Sa mga nagagalit kay Mocha, alam kong naiinggit lang kayo dahil very talented na babae ‘yan. Si Mocha lang ang nakapaglipat ng Mayon Volcano mula Albay papuntang Naga. Mabuhay ka Mocha! (Applause)

Baka sabihin naman ni Atty. Persida ‘Face to Face’ Rueda-Acosta, kinalimutan ko na siya. Never. Nakaka-inspire ang buhay ni Ma’am Persida. Dalawang beses s‘yang bumagsak sa bar exams noon. ‘Tapos ngayon, doktor na siya! Mabuhay ang Dengvaxia! (Applause)

And of course, narito rin ngayon ang pride nating lahat: lumalaban hindi lang para sa bayan kundi para sa BIR, ang WBA regular welterweight champion of the world, si Sen. Manny Pacquiao. Idol, kung tatakbo kang pangulo sa 2022, suportado kita. Ang tanong na lang: may eleksyon pa ba? Congrats Pacman! (Applause)

And finally, personal akong mag-thank you kay House Speaker Alvarez kasi wala man siyang takot mam-blackmail mag-persuade ng mga kasamahan niyang hindi supportive sa ChaCha. Tama ‘yang ginagawa mo! Ang kongresistang ayaw sa federalismo, huwag bigyan ng pondo!

So ang tanong ko, sino sa inyo ang ayaw sa federalismo? Taas ang kamay.


Congratulations! Palakpakan natin si House Speaker! Salamat kaayo dong! (Applause)

* * * * * *

Sanga pala, baka nagtataka kayo kung bakit wala dito ngayon si Sec. Ernesto Pernia ng NEDA. Last week, sabi niya, federalism would wreak havoc in the economy. Gago. Ayun, nagpaalam kahapon, may sumasakit daw sa likod niya kaya nag-resign na. ‘Buti naman.

* * * * * *

Mga kababayan, dalawang taon na ako sa puwesto. Marami pa akong plano para sa sambayanang Filipino. Sira-ulo ang nagsasabing walang vision o master plan ang gobyerno. For your information, advanced mag-isip ang mga tao ko. Tingnan n’yo si Bong Go: Nangangampanya na kahit ‘di pa kandidato. Palakpakan natin siya! (Applause)

* * * * * *

Thirty-five minutes na yata ako dito. Baka mabuang na kayo. Pasalamat na muna ako sa direktor natin, si Joyce Bernal. Nag-promise siya sa akin kahapon na gawin niya akong kamukha ni John Lloyd Cruz. (Canned laughter) Pero ayaw pala ni Baste kay JLC. So sabi ko, sige, Piolo Pascual na lang. Ang kumontra, ipatumba ko. So, tanungin ko kayo: Kamukha ko na ba si Piolo?


“Leadership by deception isn’t leadership. It’s fraud.”
~Dr. DaShanne Stokes

Sound Bites
“Expenditure will be immense if we go to federalism, and we estimate that the fiscal deficit to the GDP ratio can easily jump to maybe 6 percent or more, and that’s really going to wreak havoc in terms of our fiscal situation. We are now moving to connect the…lagging regions into the mainstream economy and that momentum of infrastructure improvement in the regions is going to be disrupted.”
~Socioeconomic Planning Sec. Ernesto Pernia

Listen to the expert.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: Duterte: Aaron Favila, AP]


15 07 2018

MANNY PACQUIAO is the new WBA regular welterweight champion! Congratulations to Manny Pacquiao – the boxer. There’s probably ‘zero crime rate’ again in the Philippines on fight day. The killings will resume Monday.

Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte watched the Pacquiao-Matthysse bout in Kuala Lumpur. When he came face to face with the two boxers, he told Matthysse, “You lost!” Then, he told Pacquiao, “Yuan!”

In a post-fight interview, President Duterte says he’d rather see Manny Pacquiao retire soon. Specifically, he believes Manny can retire in 3 to 6 months.

Filipino boxing great Manny Pacquiao won against Argentine pug Lucas Matthysse in Kuala Lumpur. As expected, sponsorship logos were printed on Pacquiao’s boxing trunks. There’s Ricoa, GCOX, Motolite, and a couple more. Much to the surprise of many Filipinos, there was no #BongGoTayo.

It was the 60th career win for Manny Pacquiao. Addressing the ecstatic crowd, Pacquiao said, “Thank God for this victory.” God was quick to deny though He had a hand in the victory.

Tito Sotto was also at ringside in Kuala Lumpur. After watching Pacquiao cruise to victory, Sotto tweeted, “I thought I was watching Manny 10 years ago. Mabuhay ka Sen and Champion Manny Pacquiao.” There’s no truth to rumors though that Sotto made a promise to Pacquiao he’ll have Inquirer articles linking him to starlets taken down.

The Tulfo siblings lauded the victory of Manny Pacquiao. After the fight, the Tulfos gave him a standing ovation and 60 million rounds of applause.

Some netizens say the victory will help boost Manny Pacquiao’s chances of winning a higher post in the 2022 elections. To which, House Speaker Alvarez said, “What elections?’

CompuBox scores showed Manny Pacquiao landed 44 percent of his power punches while Lucas Matthysse landed just 28 percent. To give you an idea of how bad Matthysse performed, even some Gilas Pilipinas members landed more punches than him.
“The height of your accomplishments is determined by the depth of your convictions.”
~ William F. Scolavino

Check out my article in the Philippine Daily Inquirer. Here’s the link.


Thank you!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Pacquiao: AFP/Getty Images; Cabinet: @virgillopez/PCOO]

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