PORN, ARNIS & OTHER STORIES

19 01 2017

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MANNY PACQUIAO defended his pro-death penalty stance by saying, “Even Jesus Christ nga nasentensyahan ng kamatayan dahil government talaga ang nag-impose ng kamatayan.” The statement has prompted surgeons all over the world to conclude that boxing is extremely dangerous to your mental health.

According to Manny Pacquiao, God gave our government the “right” to impose the death penalty.” Dear Manny Pacquiao, we don’t need a death penalty law. Every time you open your mouth on issues, we die.

Porn
The Philippine government has ordered Internet Service Providers to block public access to adult web sites. But Malacañang says those who are into the obscene and the vulgar may still watch the replay of last year’s Congressional hearing on Sen. Leila De Lima’s sex life.

The National Telecommunications Office confirms it has ordered all ISPs to block public access to porn sites. In totally unrelated news, President Duterte’s approval rating among males has dropped to an all-time low.


Zubiri vs. Trillanes
A heated exchange erupted between Miguel Zubiri and Antonio Trillanes on Tuesday at the Senate (See video). Trillanes said Zubiri cheated in the 2007 elections. Zubiri said Trillanes was charged with rebellion and treason. The two lawmakers almost came to blows but other senators intervened except for Manny Pacquiao who said, “Kung sina Cain at Abel nga na magkapatid, pinayagan ni God na mag-away, senador pa kaya?”

In case you missed it… Zubiri vs. Trillanes:
Trillanes: If you want to declare war, then you should be prepared to have war.

Zubiri: If you pick a fight with me, I’ll fight.

Trillanes: This representation will not back down.

Zubiri: I did not become world champion in arnis for nothing.

Trillanes: Umabot talaga dun?!? Literal na fight?!?

***

Trillanes: If you want to declare war, then you should be prepared to have war. This representation will not back down.

Zubiri: I did not become world champion in arnis for nothing. If you want to fight, tell me how you want to fight.

Trillanes: Kasasabi mo lang na ‘arnis’ ‘tapos ngayon ‘tell me how you want to fight.’ Labo mo huh!

***

Trillanes: If you want to declare war, then you should be prepared to have war. This representation will not back down.

Zubiri: Mabait akong tao and people know me. I am one of the most amiable senators of this chamber. But if you pick a fight with me, I’ll fight. I did not become world champion in arnis for nothing.

Trillanes: Ano ‘to slam book?!? Merong describe yourself?!? May sports and hobbies?!?

***

Trillanes: Eh ‘di ba nandaya ka noong 2007?

Zubiri: Sus! Ikaw nga nakasuhan ng rebellion!

Trillanes: Eh ‘di ba nag-resign ka nga noong 2011 dahil nabistong nandaya?

Zubiri: Sus! Ikaw nga nakasuhan ng treason!

Trillanes: Eh ‘di ba nga nachismis ka pang bakla noon?

Zubiri: Stick tayo sa isyu ng eleksyon. ‘Wag kang ano d’yan!

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“Misreporting”
A day after journalists quoted President Duterte as saying no one could stop him from declaring martial law “if I wanted to,” his communications chief, Martin Andanar blamed the media for ‘misreporting’ the statement. He also described the news reports as “the height of journalistic irresponsibility.” Even President Duterte was like, “OA na ang kasipsipan huh!”

Martin Andanar blamed the media for “misreporting” President Duterte’s latest remark on martial law. Andanar said the headlines “sow confusion to many.” Apparently, he hates competition. ‘Coz, you know, when it comes to sowing confusion, they’re the experts.

Trolls
Sen. Antonio Trillanes has urged the Senate committee on public information to investigate the so-called social media trolls amid the proliferation of fake news and false information online. Martin Andanar is on top of the list of invitees.

Link
After doing a review on social media, the Center for Media Freedom and Responsibility said there’s an “all too tight” connection between the alleged plot to oust the President and the president’s own communication team. Which, is not surprising since the members of the president’s own communication team includes Martin Andanar, Mocha Uson, Sass Sassot and Duterte’s cybertrolls.

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Miss U
Pre-pageant activities for this year’s Miss Universe contest are underway. The candidates have been travelling all over the country. Everyone is having a good time… except for Chavit Singson who is having a great time.
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“In a society run by terror, no statements whatsoever can be taken seriously. They are all forced, and it is the duty of every honest man to ignore them.”
~ Milan Kundera

Sound Bites
“You cannot falsely accuse the profession of misreporting by peddling brazenly outrageous lies.”
~National Union of Journalists of the Philippines to Martin Andanar

Serves you right.

A GOOD READ:
How to defend our democracy
#5. Be calm when the unthinkable arrives.
When the terrorist attack comes, remember that all authoritarians at all times either await or plan such events in order to consolidate power. Think of the Reichstag fire. The sudden disaster that requires the end of the balance of power, the end of opposition parties, and so on, is the oldest trick in the Hitlerian book. Don’t fall for it.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Pacquiao: Associated Press; Senate Rumble: Philippine Star; Martin Andanar: GMANetwork.com; Miss Universe: @65thmissuniverse on IG]





GOSSIP

11 01 2017

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MALACAÑANG dismissed as false columnist Kit Tatad’s report, quoting an unnamed source, that President Duterte went to China recently for cancer treatment. This is one instance when you don’t know who to believe anymore – because when it comes to ridiculousness and absurd claims, Tatad and Duterte are on the same level.

No To Tsismis
In Binalonan, Pangasinan, villages are strictly implementing a policy against gossiping or rumor-mongering. They officially call it the Anti-Mocha Uson Ordinance.

Villages in Binalonan, Pangasinan are strictly implementing an anti-chismis policy. Violators will be fined. You’ve been warned, Kit Tatad.

Success!
Vice President Leni Robredo has denied any links to a reported plot to oust President Duterte. Online, Duterte diehards and Bongbong Marcos trolls used a hashtag to create the impression that Robredo was part of a conspiracy to unseat the President. To be fair, the online campaign was successful in vilifying Robredo. No wonder, the year has only just begun but trolls are already talking about a hefty mid-year bonus.

EXCLUSIVE: A screen capture of the newest “leak” that started circulating Tuesday, January 10, 2017.

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Obviously
Maritess Allen, described in news reports as a ‘feng shui expert’ predicts President Duterte will be hounded by health issues as well as misunderstandings, arguments, and quarrels this year. In response, 2017 was like, “That was so last year.”

Described in news reports as a ‘feng shui’ expert, Maritess Allen predicts President Duterte will be hounded by health issues as well as misunderstandings, arguments, and quarrels this year. Allen also predicts February will have 28 days and Good Friday will be a non-working holiday.

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Celeb Appointees
Sex blogger-turned-Duterte attack dog Mocha Uson and actor Cesar Montano took their oath before President Duterte in Malacañang on Monday. Uson and Montano are the latest celebrities who were given government posts for supporting Duterte in the last elections. Which begs the question, what reward awaits Vivian Velez and Elizabeth Oropesa?

Miss U
The Philippine National Police says there’s no direct threat to the upcoming Miss Universe pageant in the country. In other words, the beautiful candidates are not in danger. If you insist though, we can still talk about Chavit Singson some other time.

Golden Globes
The annual Golden Globe Awards took place Monday (Manila time) at the Beverly Hilton. Multi-awarded actress Meryl Streep received the Cecil B. DeMille Lifetime Achievement Award. In her acceptance speech, Streep said, “Disrespect invites disrespect. Violence incites violence.” To which, Presidente Duterte replied, “Tang ina, inaano ba kita?”

Porn
When it comes to page visits to adult website PornHub, Filipinos are still No. 1 according to the latest data. When searching for women, 90 percent of Filipinos searched for ‘Maria Ozawa.’ The remaining 10 percent, believed to be congressmen, searched for ‘Leila De Lima.’

A furious Duterte and BBM troll who-must-not-be-named complained online that ABS-CBN News opted to report on Filipinos’ PornHub use but ignored Leni Robredo’s alleged involvement in a plot to oust Duterte. When asked why, ABS-CBN News answered: “Fact over fiction.”
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“The suspicious mind conjures its own demons.”
~ Hanshiro Tsugomu

Sound Bites
“He is the secretary of DOJ, he should not tell lies. We didn’t talk, we didn’t meet in the US when I went there.”
~Vice President Leni Robredo on Vitaliano Aguirre’s baseless allegation she met with Fil-Am LP supporter Loida Nicolas-Lewis recently

Opinion
The ‘conspiracy’ to oust Duterte
By Prof. Randy David
“If the people around the President are either too intimidated or too much in awe to tell him of his shortcomings, then they are creating a narcissistic ruler who will not be able to free himself from the self-referential world he has constructed.”

Be rational.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte: Philippine Star; Mocha/Duterte: Palace Photo]





RATED SPG

7 01 2017

ANG POST na ito ay Rated SPG: Striktong Patnubay at Gabay ng magulang ang kailangan. Maaaring may maselang tema, lenggwahe, karahasan, sekswal Mocha, horror o droga na hindi angkop sa mga bata.

1mochaabscbn
IT’S 2017. Aim for your dreams. Set some goals. Just believe in yourself and you’ll probably make it. Because if Mocha Uson can, MOCHA FREAKIN’ USON, so can we!

Malacañang has appointed starlet Mocha Uson as board member of the MTRCB. That’s how you start another year for this blog: with a big joke!

Tito Sotto welcomed Mocha Uson’s appointment to the MTRCB saying Uson was “a good choice because she bounds with common sense.” That’s Tito Sotto. An even bigger joke.

Last Thursday, January 5, thinking Filipinos were shocked by the news that Duterte attack dog, Mocha Uson was appointed to the MTRCB as board member. And 2016 was like, “Don’t look at me! I’m done.”

Mocha Uson has been named MTRCB board member. Shortly after, MTRCB was renamed the Misinformation and Trolling Review and Classification Board.

Defending the appointment of starlet Mocha Uson to the MTRCB, palace mouthpiece Martin Andanar said, “Mocha Uson is one of the biggest artists in the country.” To prove his claim, Andanar distributed naked photos of Uson to the press.

Newly-appointed MTRCB board member, starlet Mocha Uson said, “Pagtutuunan po natin ng pansin na mawala na ang mga ‘soft porn’ sa mga teleserye.” In other news, ISIS has just announced it will help eradicate Islamic jihadists in the world.

Exclusive
Duterte’s letter to Mocha Uson informing the starlet of her impending appointment to MTRCB.

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Another EXCLUSIVE: Here’s the accomplished questionnaire submitted by Mocha Uson to Malacañang last December 28. On the same day, Duterte signed her appointment paper as MTRCB Board Member.

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In Other News…
Tito Sotto filed a resolution calling for the establishment of a separate film festival for independently-produced films. Hi Mr. Sotto! Cinemalaya called. Where have you been daw?

Tito Sotto questioned the quality of indie films saying, “Quality ba ‘yon? Hindi high-end equipment ng gamit! Hindi top quality ang video!” That’s coming from someone who considers ‘Enteng Kabisote 10 and the Abangers’ the benchmark for films.

I. CAN’T. EVEN.
Lawyers Fernando Perito and Rogelio Cantoria filed a plunder case against former president Noynoy Aquino, former DILG Sec. Mar Roxas, Sen. Leila De Lima, former BSP Gov. Amando Tetangco Jr, former Finance Secretary Cesar Purisima, and former Senate President Franklin Drilon for the alleged unlawful transfer of Marcos gold deposits in Switzerland to a bank in Thailand. But journalists discovered the complaint was based on a fake news online article. Noynoy Aquino said it was “black propaganda.” The LP said it was “laughable.” Vitaliano Aguirre said, “Testing lang. Baka sakaling makalusot.”
__________________________________________________________________________________
“It happens; incompetence is rewarded more often than not.”
~Jeff Lindsay, ‘Darkly Dreaming Dexter’

Sound Bites
“I promised myself NO NEGA POST FOR 2017. Pero tangnanaman! Mocha in MTRCB?”
~John Lapuz, host/actor

Exactly our thoughts.

Twitter Explodes
Here are some of the most brutally honest but funny reactions to Mocha Uson’s MTRCB appointment.

1. Last year, performing artist, Eva Marie Poon, sister of singer Richard Poon, was just one of several Filipinos online who saw this moment coming.

1evamariepon

2. We feel you Parvati.

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3. Harsh!

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4. Who knows, ‘di ba? Posible!

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5. Nadali Mo!

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6. This scene from an Angel Locsin film is just fulfilling.

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And finally, one of the first memes to appear when Mocha’s appointment was announced:

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What a time to be alive!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





BES, MAY NANALO NA!

31 12 2016

2016 IS OVER. ‘Buti naman. Ang dami kasing nangyari. Nakakapagod. Kay Mocha Uson pa lang, mapapamura ka na. Anyway, narito ang listahan ng mga Winners at Losers ngayong 2016.

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WINNER: President-elect Rodrigo Duterte. In 3-6 months, solved ang problema sa kriminalidad. Astig! Ikaw na talaga.

LOSER: President Rodrigo Duterte. Nagbanta. Nang-away. Nanghikayat pumatay. Umaming pumatay. Ginawang bayani ang diktador na patay. ‘Tang ina.

LOSER: Justice Sec. Vitaliano Aguirre. The resident clown of the Duterte administration. Ayaw ko nang dagdagan. Sayang ang oras ko sa kanya.

LOSER: Sen. Leila De Lima’s public image. Perception trumps reality. Ikaw ba naman ang palibutan at bugbugin ng mga galamay ni Duterte sa Gabinete, Senado, Kamara, mainstream & social media, at sa kaaway mong sekta, paano mo pa ipagtatanggol ang imahe mo? Wala na. Suko na bes, may nanalo na.

WINNER: Sen. Leila De Lima. Prangkahan na. Wala naman talagang naglakas-loob lumaban sa psychopath ng palasyo kundi siya. Hindi LP. Hindi Akbayan. Hindi si Trillanes. Hindi ang Magnificent 7 ng Kamara. Si T’yang Leila lang talaga.

WINNER: Leni Robredo. The last man standing is a woman. Indeed!

LOSER: Bongbong Marcos. Kampanteng-kampante ang anak ng diktador na makababalik sila sa palasyo. Number 1 kasi ito sa VP survey hanggang Abril. Eh biglang nagising ang mga tao. O, loko. FYI: Hindi ka dinaya. Talo ka! Talo!

LOSER: The House of Representatives. Dahil sa kamanyakan ng mga kongresistang nagpiyesta sa sex life ng isang senadora. In a post-hearing interview, one congressman allegedly admitted, “Tinigasan ang aking mga kasama.”

LOSER: Palace interpreters. Kagulo lagi ang mga pucha. Every other day, may kanya-kanyang interpretation sa sinabi ni Duterte?!? Punyeta. Every week, nagmo-mochang tanga talaga.

WINNER: Drug lab raids. Great work! ‘Yan ang dapat tinututukan: the manufacturers of illegal drugs.

LOSER: State-encouraged extra-judicial killing. Sabi nga ng The New York Times: Even if Mr. Duterte has not directly ordered individual killings, there is no doubt they are being carried out with his approval.

LOSER: The poor. Sila lang naman ang kaya eh. Madaling i-raid. Madaling posasan. Madaling patayin. Madaling itapon. Eh bakit ‘yong pulitikong drug lord na kapatid ng isa ring kilalang pulitiko sa Southern Tagalog hindi hinuhuli? Ooops. Ayaw ko nang magsalita. Secret.

WINNER: General Bato De La Rosa. To be fair, masipag naman siya at marunong lumaro sa masa (beware!). Ang tsismis: inihahanda na ang BBM-Bato sa 2022. Naku, ayaw ‘yan ni Quietano!

WINNER: CIDG Region 8 head, Supt. Marvin Marcos. Ayon sa NBI, murder ang ginawa ni Marcos kay Mayor Espinosa pero kinampihan pa rin siya ni Duterte. Iba ka!

LOSER: Mga Ka-DDS. According to a CNN-Gallup Poll, Duterte fanatics are the most gullible people in the world followed by Donald Trump supporters in distant second. The same survey showed that 98.75 percent of Duterte fanatics believe everything that Mocha Uson posts on Facebook.

WINNER: Agot Isidro. Habang ‘yong ibang artista, na-infect na ng Duterte virus, nabigyan ng puwesto o kaya ay natakot magsalita, biglang sulpot ang mahusay na aktres. PSYCHOPATH ka Duterte, psychopath ka. Exactly our thoughts. Thanks Agot for being brave!

WINNER: Baste and Inday Sara Duterte. Nand’yan lang sila. Tahimik. Simpleng namumuhay. Ipagpatuloy n’yo ‘yan. [Kay Paolo Duterte, no comment ako. Afraid!]

LOSER: Mocha Uson. The Ambassadress of Disinformation. Dahil sa minu-minutong paninira sa mga kritiko ng kanyang Tatay Digong at pagpapakalat ng kasinungalingan, maling impormasyon, at black propaganda on or about everyone na hindi sang-ayon sa maling ginagawa ng pangulo. To quote Ms Agot Isidro, “Pa-relevant!”

LOSER: Ka-DDS and BBM Trolls na katulong ni Mocha Uson sa disinformation at pag-revise ng history. Ang sad ng life n’yo. Mali-mali naman ang grammar. Yuck.

WINNER: Ateneo & La Salle Communities for taking a stand against EJK during a UAAP game. Also, schools and universities who released statements denouncing EJK.

LOSER: Imee Marcos. “Unang-una, ‘yong guilt, paano ko ia-admit eh ang liit-liit ko noon?!” PAKYU.

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WINNER: The Marcoses. Nailibing sa Libingan ng mga Bayani ang diktador na si Ferdinand Marcos. Salamat sa campaign promise ng tuta nilang si Duterte.

LOSER: The Marcoses. Maging ang kahuli-hulihang sandali ng diktador, nakaw pa rin. Kadiri.

LOSER: Alan Peter Cayetano. Talo na sa eleksyon, talo pa sa isyu ng paglilibing kay Marcos sa Libingan ng mga Bayani. Anyareh? #Quietano

WINNER: Sen. Panfilo Lacson. Sa consistent na pag-expose sa milyun-milyong pisong pork barrel funds na pilit isinisingit sa budget ng mga corrupt na tao sa gobyerno.

LOSER: DFA Sec. Perfecto Yasay. May rumor na ipu-pull out na ng China ang kanilang ambassador sa Pilipinas. Nandiyan naman daw si Yasay. Makes sense.

LOSER: Manny Pacquiao. Once a bigot, always a bigot. Ang dami niyang cringe-worthy one-liners this year. Pero nanalo namang senador. Dahil diyan…

WINNER: Manny Pacquiao. Tagumpay sa kanyang “comeback” fight against Jesse Vargas. Nanalo rin bilang mambabatas. Dahil diyan…

LOSER: Filipino voters. ‘Tang ina. Ang daming mas qualified na kandidato, ‘yan ang ibinoto n’yo?! Fuck you.

WINNER: Noynoy Aquino. Natapos din sa wakas ang anim na taon niya bilang pangulo. Relieved ang lolo n’yo.

LOSER: Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago. The Big C won. Damn you cancer.

LOSER: Jejomar Binay. Malacañang na, naging city hall pa. Ang sakit.

WINNER: The Binays. Nabawi ang Makati City Hall na pansamantalang nawala sa kanila. Tuloy ang ligaya. #AlamNa

LOSER: Mar Roxas. Hindi talaga para sa ‘yo ang palasyo. Ang sakit ‘no?

WINNER: Mar Roxas. Nakabawi siya kay Binay nang mag-No. 2 siya sa eleksyon. Huwag nang choosy. Pwede na ‘yon.

LOSER: Grace Poe. Kasi naman. Nagmamadali eh.

LOSER: Bong Revilla: Hindi kinaya ng campaign promise ni Duterte. Tuloy ang plunder case sabi ng korte. Dahil d’yan…

WINNER: Taxpayers!

WINNER: Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo. Lahat yata ng corruption cases, na-dismiss! Ang husay ng lawyer. Dahil d’yan…

LOSER: Taxpayers. #saklap

WINNER: CHEd Chair Patricia Licuanan. Maraming buwaya sa paligid. Kapit lang ma’am.

WINNER: Commission on Elections. For yet another honest, orderly, and peaceful automated elections.

LOSER: The people behind the Official Gazette. Pinapasusweldo ng taumbayan para baguhin ang kasaysayan. Kapal.

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LOSER: This Manila Standard headline. So much for standards!

BIGGER LOSER: Philippine Daily Inquirer. Sa pagbibigay ng espasyo sa Duterte apologist na si Martin Andanar. Eeew.

BIGGEST LOSER: Philippine Star. Mocha Uson talaga? MOCHA FREAKIN USON as Op-Ed columnist? Until now, hindi pa rin natatahimik ang mga kaluluwa nina Betty Go-Belmonte at Max Soliven.

LOSER: Kris Aquino. Sino na nga siya?

LOSER: Sandro Marcos. Kailangan pa bang i-explain ‘to? Boo!Boo!

WINNER: The 2016 Metro Manila Film Festival. We saw 7 of 8 entries. #NuffSaid Eh ‘yong ambassadress, nakailan ba?

LOSER: Filipinos. Almost 7,000 deaths. A people desensitized to murder. What have we become?

AND FINALLY, we reveal our MOST INFLUENTIAL FILIPINO OF THE YEAR:

1pdi
RODRIGO DUTERTE
President and Self-Confessed Murderer
A foul-mouthed populist leader flirting with authoritarian fantasies
Umayos ka.

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“The future depends on what you do today.”
~ Mahatma Gandhi

Happy New Year everyone! May we all have a better and safer 2017!

THANK YOU!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





NOW SHOWING

27 12 2016

HERE’S your complete guide to HMMMPFF 2016.

1xmas
DIE BEAUTIFUL
Synopsis: Si Sassha Sutsot ay isang parlorista na huminto sa paggamit ng droga nang maging presidente si Rodrigo Duterte. Isang araw, habang mini-makeup-an ang sarili, ni-raid ng mga nagpakilalang pulis ang kanyang parlor. Sa sobrang gulat at takot, nahawakan ni Sassha ang isang nail cutter. Nang makita ng mga pulis ang nail cutter, sumigaw ang mga ito: Sige bakla, manlaban ka! Manlaban ka nang makita mo ang hinahanap mo!

Manlalaban kaya si Sassha Sutsot? Bubuhayin kaya siya ng mga pulis? Sakto na ba ang kanyang makeup sakaling may mangyaring masama? Mamamatay kaya siyang maganda?

VINCE & KATH & JAMES
Synopsis: Very popular sa kanilang school si Kath kaya’t hinikayat siyang tumakbong presidente ng student council. Tatakbo namang vice president si James at gusto nitong maging runningmate ni Kath kaya’t kinulit niya ito. Pinuntahan pa nga niya ito sa kanilang bahay. Dahil sa pamimilit ni James, pumayag rin si Kath. Ngunit nang kampanya na, ilang beses nag-joke si Kath na baka ang manalong vice president ay hindi ang kanyang running mate kundi ang ubod nang yamang si Vince, ang mahigpit na kaaway ni James.

Pagdating ng eleksyon, nanalo si Kath. Talo pareho sina Vince at James. Pero si James, hindi tumigil ng kasisipsip at kasusunod kay Kath dahil umaasa ito ng endorsement mula sa dalaga sa susunod na eleksyon. Si Vince naman, hindi matanggap ang pagkatalo for vice president at nag-file ng protesta.

Hanggang kailan magiging tuta ni Kath si James? Siya kaya ang sunod na iendorso ng dalaga? Bakit ayaw pang tanggapin ni Vince ang pagkatalo? Dahil ba marami silang pera at kaya nitong gastusan ang manual recount of votes? Totoo kaya ang tsismis na meron nang teenage son si Vince sa London at itinatago niya ito dahil ubod nang bobo ang binatilyo? Sandro kaya ang name ng anak ni Vince? Malamang. Bakit sinagot ko ang aking tanong? Ang bobo.

KABISERA
Synopsis: Naninirahang mag-isa sa kanyang mansion ang hacienderong si Benito. May kanya-kanya na kasing pamilya ang kanyang mga kapatid at siya na lamang ang naiwang walang asawa.

Umaga, tanghali, gabi… mag-isa siyang kumakain habang nakaupo sa kabisera ng mahabang mesa sa maluwang na kusina ng mala-palasyong tahanan. Ngunit sa kabila ng yaman, malungkot si Benito. Hindi ito ang inasam niyang buhay. Ayaw niyang mamatay na nag-iisa.

Oras na ba para muling humanap ng babaeng mamahalin si Benito? Hindi pa ba huli ang lahat? Bakit ba tila mailap ang pag-ibig sa kanya? Dahil ba lagi siyang may ubo at plema? Kailan niya ititigil ang paninigarilyo?

SAVING SALLY
Synopsis: Sally Lim ang kanyang tunay na pangalan, a suspected drug lord. Nang makasama sa listahan ng high-profile drug targets, sumuko si Sally sa mayor ng kanilang siyudad. Galit sa droga ang kanilang mayor at binantaang papatayin si Sally kapag nagkita sila. Ngunit sa ‘di inaasahang pangyayari, natameme ang mayor nang makaharap si Sally. Nagpakita kasi ng maraming pictures si Sally kung saan kasama niya sa iba’t ibang okasyon si Mayor: may kasal, binyag, libing, tuli, Miss Gay pageant at Mr. Bikini Superhotbodies. Nang makita ang mga litrato, nagbago ng isip si Mayor. Sa halip na patayin, pinatakas nito si Sally.

Nasaan na si Sally Lim? Bumalik pa kaya siya sa Pilipinas? Bakit ganun siya ka-close kay Mayor? Totoo bang may kinikilingan, may pinuprotekahan at may kasinungalingan si Mayor? Bakit ba tanong pa tayo nang tanong eh alam naman natin ang sagot?

SUNDAY BEAUTY QUEEN
Synopsis: Modernong babae si Mookah. Ginagamit nito ang kanyang katawan para kumita. Ngunit nabago ang takbo ng kanyang buhay nang manalong congressman ang isang dati niyang kliyente. Pinahinto siya nito sa paghuhubad. Dahil malakas ang hatak sa publiko lalo na sa mga kalalakihan, ginawa siyang PR consultant ng kongresista. Siya rin ang in-charge sa paninira sa mga kalaban ng pulitiko gamit ang kanyang sikat na blog sa Facebook, ang Mookah Mo Uupuan Ko.

Recently, na-appoint siyang Ambassadress for Hadhad, Buni, and Alipunga Prevention na ikinataas ng kilay ng mga dermatologists. Wala raw kasi itong sapat na background sa trabaho. Deadma si Mookah sa mga kritiko.

Ano ang susunod na puwestong ibibigay kay Mookah? Special envoy for garbage collection? Presidential adviser for TODA concerns? Commissioner for live webcam shows? ANO PA?!? ANO!!!??? Also, bakit ganito ang title ng movie? Sunday Beauty Queen pero walang kunek sa synopsis? Bakit parang nanloloko? Si Mookah rin ba ang may pakana ng misinformation na ito?

SEKLUSYON
Synopsis: Sina Leni at Patricia ay mga bagong salta sa bayan ng San Isidro. Volunteer social workers ang dalawa at tumutulong sa mahihirap na residente. Isang araw, naka-receive sila ng text message mula sa kapitan:

Madam Leni and Madam Patricia,
Sabi ni Kap, tigilan n’yo na raw ang ginagawa n’yo. Feelingera raw kayong dalawa. Feeling n’yo raw kayo lang ang magaling. Feeling n’yo raw walang ginagawang mabuti si Kap. Kaya mabuti pa, lumayas na kayo. Or else, ipatatapon kayo ni Kap sa isang secluded na lugar!

Walang nagawa si Leni. Umalis siya sa nasabing bayan at ipinagpatuloy ang gawain sa ibang lugar. Ngunit naiwan si Patricia at pinanindigang walang sinumang makapipigil sa kanyang trabaho.

Ano ang gagawin ni Mayor upang mapalayas sa kanilang lugar si Patricia? Sisiraan din kaya nila ito katulad ng ginawa nila kay Leni? Bakit pilit na pilit ang title ng pelikulang ito? At bakit pilit na pilit din ang synopsis? Ganun ba talaga kahirap magpatawa?

ORO
Synopsis: Tatlong buwan nang nakaburol ang pinatalsik sa puwestong si Gov. Fernando Narcos. Nangangamoy na nga ang bangkay ng matanda dahil hindi pala ito binalsamo bilang pagsunod sa kanyang huling hiling. Hindi mailibing si Narcos sa pinakamalapit na sementeryo dahil sa pagtutol ng taumbayan. Noong nasa puwesto pa kasi ang gobernador, ibinulsa nito ang milyun-milyong pisong kinita ng kapitolyo mula sa mga minahan ng ginto sa kanilang lalawigan.

Nag-demand ang mga residente na ibalik ng pamilya Narcos ang kanilang ninakaw. Ngunit dahil ubod nang kapal ang mukha ng biyuda at mga anak ng gobernador, deadma sila sa panawagan ng taumbayan.

Isang araw, nagulat na lang ang publiko nang mabalitaang palihim na inililibing ang pumanaw na gobernador. Sumugod sila sa sementeryo upang magprotesta. Naabutan nila doon ang buong pamilya Narcos. Nagkaroon ng sigawan, sumbatan at murahan. Sa gitna ng kaguluhan, nagsalita ang panganay na anak ng gobernador, si Noemi at nagbantang tutusukin ng kanyang matulis na baba ang sinumang pipigil sa libing ng kanyang ama. Ngunit hindi nagpasindak ang taumbayan.

Saan hahantong ang komprontasyon? Ituloy kaya ni Noemi ang kanyang banta? Bakit namamaga ang mukha ng kapatid na lalaki ni Noemi na si Gonggong? Totoo kayang umiinom ng formalin tablets ang kanilang inang si Esmeralda kaya’t hindi mamatay-matay? Baka nga.

ANG BABAE SA SEPTIC TANK
Synopsis: Matapang na babae si Leila. Kinalaban niya ang isang mayor na sangkot sa sunud-sunod na patayan sa kanilang bayan. Dahil dito, napag-initan ng mga tauhan ni Mayor si Leila. Inakusahan nila ito ng drug trafficking, pornography, adultery, acts of lasciviousness, indecent exposure, prostitution, at sexting with a married subordinate. Dahil ‘di pa rin matinag-tinag si Leila, dinukot ito ng mga tauhan ni Mayor at inihulog sa isang septic tank.

Makaahon pa kaya si Leila mula sa pagkakalubog? Humihinga kaya siya habang lumalangoy sa dumi ng tao? Paano kung malunok niya ito? Ngayong ubod na siya nang baho, makahanap pa kaya siya ng lalaking magmamahal sa kanya? Bakit si Leila may love life, ikaw wala? Hindi ka ba nai-insecure?

Suportahan po natin ang pelikulang Pilipino. Panoorin ang lahat ng entries. Maraming salamat po!
—————————————————————————————————————————-
“Fiction reveals truth that reality obscures.”
~Jessamyn West

Soundbites
From Mocha Uson, MMFF 2016 Ambassadress (Whatever that means)

1

I can’t even.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





DON’T LOSE HOPE…

24 12 2016

1htgawm
THIS, TOO, SHALL PASS.

1xmas
Have a safe Christmas & an even safer New Year!
——————————————————————————————–
“Men who thought of themselves as gods fell the farthest, and the hardest.”
~Nenia Campbell, ‘Cease and Desist’





A DUTERTE CHRISTMAS

19 12 2016

Christmas Message
of
Rodrigo Roa Duterte
Mayor & Drug Czar of the Philippines
[Taped last December 18, 2016 at the Rizal Ceremonial Hall, Malacañan Palace]

1dutz
Mga minamahal kong kababayan (hindi kasama ang mga addict),

Kaisa n’yo ako at ang aking Gabinete gayundin ang mga lingkod-bayan sa ating pamahalaan sa pagdiriwang ng Kapaskuhan.

Sa maigsing panahon ng aking panunungkulan ay marami na tayong pagsubok na pinagdaanan ngunit sa tulong ng Panginoon ay nalampasan nating lahat ang mga ‘yan.

Ang kuwento ng pagsilang ni Hesukristo ay hindi nalalayo sa karanasan nating mga Pilipino. Marami tayong mapupulot na aral sa kwento ng Pasko.

Ang sabi ng aking mga kritiko, nadadamay daw ang mga inosente sa inilunsad kong guerra kontra droga. Excuse me, hindi ako ang unang gumawa niyan. Hindi ba’t iniutos ni Herodes ang pagpaslang sa mga inosente matiyak lamang ang kanyang tagumpay?

Si Hesus ay nagsimula sa wala. Isinilang siya sa sabsaban at lumaki sa kahirapan hanggang sa maging lider ng sanlibutan. Nakikita ko kay Hesus ang isa nating kaibigan. Ang future president ng bansa… Manny Pacquiao!

Si Maria ay naging tapat sa asawa niyang si Jose, isang karpintero, na bagamat hindi siyang tunay na ama ni Hesus ay nanatili sa tabi ng pinakamamahal niyang babae. Taliwas ito sa imoral na pamumuhay ni Leila De Lima. Kung sinu-sino ang lalaking kinabitan niya kabilang na si Ronnie Dayan na nang-iwan sa tunay niyang asawa.

Sinunod ko ang mga sinimulan ni Haring Herodes. Eh sina Dayan at De Lima, sinunod ba nila ang ipinakitang halimbawa nina Jose at Maria? Hindi.

Naaalala ko si Alan Peter Cayetano kapag nakikita ko ang sabsaban. May pastol, may kabayo, may kamelyo, may tupa. Tuta na lang ang kulang.

Ang pagsilang ni Hesus ay magandang balita para sa sangkatauhan. Katulad lang ‘yan ng mga dalang balita ni Mocha Uson sa kanyang Facebook blog – punung-puno ng inspirasyon, malasakit, pag-asa, at higit sa lahat, katotohanan.

Natatandaan n’yo ba ang mga pantas o wise men mula Silangan? Bumisita sila kay Hesus sa sabsaban upang mag-alay ng regalo. Sila ang inspirasyon ng gambling tycoon na si Jack Lam. Nagpadala siya ng milyun-milyong pisong regalo sa dalawa kong fraternity brothers sa Bureau of Immigration. Na tinanggap naman! Hindi ko rin sila masisi. Kung grasya kasi ‘yan, bakit nga naman tatanggihan?

Paalala ko lang: Kung may darating na biyaya, ok lang na tanggapin! Pero huwag na huwag kayong magdadalawang-isip na mamudmod ng salapi kung kakayanin. Sa mga kongresistang nagpa-raffle ng isang milyon at trip sa Europe noong Christmas Party… mabuhay kayo. Change is indeed coming!

Ang tunay na diwa ng Pasko ay pagpapatawad. Hindi ko na kailangang ipagyabang ang mga ginawa kong pagpapatawad. Sa ilalim ng aking pamahalaan, pinatawad natin ang mga Marcos, ang mga Arroyo, ang drug lord na si Peter Lim na pinagbantaan kong papatayin pero pinatakas ko din, si Jocjoc Bolante, at maging ang murder convict na si Rolito Go. Give credit, where credit is due. Nangyaring lahat ‘yan sa ilalim ng termino ko!

Sa huli, ang aking panawagan ay pagkakaisa. Simulan natin ‘yan sa pamamagitan ng pagsunod sa mga kagustuhan ng China. Huwag na tayong lumaban. Daanin natin ito sa tahimik na usapan: Sa atin ang kanilang baril at bala, kanila na ang karagatan at mga isla! (Mumurahin ko ang kokontra. ‘Tang ina!)

Wala pa tayong anim na buwan sa puwesto. Pero feeling ko, ang dami ko nang nagawa para sa bansa natin. More than 6,000 na yata. And counting! Sa napipintong pag-apruba ng Kongreso sa parusang kamatayan… ipinapangako ko, mas marami pang mga dugyot at mahihirap ang ating lilipulin!

Makaaasa kayong hindi ako titigil hangga’t ‘di nauubos ang mga gumagamit at nagbebenta ng droga sa Pilipinas. Hindi ko papayagang sirain ng drugs ang inyong mga buhay. Masira na ng Fentanyl ang buhay ko, ‘wag lang sirain ng shabu ang buhay n’yo!

Maligayang Pasko at Manigong Bagong Taon sa inyong lahat.

Joooooke!
———————————————————————————-
“Killing people isn’t progress.”
~Athan Fletcher, ‘The Swordsman and The Priestess’

Sound Bites
“I killed about three of them… I don’t know how many bullets from my gun went inside their bodies. It happened and I cannot lie about it.”
~President Duterte

‘Wag ka nang humirit Martin Andanar. Mocha ka na namang tanga.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: ABSCBN News]





RIGHTS, ROOTS AND OTHER STORIES

12 12 2016

1ejk
AFTER several hearings on the reported extrajudicial killings, a joint Senate committee report concluded (that) the non-stop slaughter of drug suspects (almost 6,000 deaths to date) were NOT state-sponsored. Apparently, the senators prefer a more specific term: Duterte-encouraged.

Death Penalty
Voting 12-6, the House justice committee approved the proposed bill seeking to restore the death penalty –- to the surprise of many Filipinos who asked, “Wala pang death penalty?!? ‘YUNG LAGAY NA ‘YAN, WALA PA PALANG DEATH PENALTY?!?” #AllCapsParaIntense

Human Rights
Last Saturday, December 10 was International Human Rights Day. Presidential Communications Office Assistant Secretary Ana Marie Banaag said Malacañang was one with the international community in celebrating Human Rights Day. That was the latest joke from the palace.

Coddler
An NBI probe concluded that Albuera, Leyte Mayor Rolando Espinosa was murdered by the CIDG led by CIDG Region 8 head, Supt. Marvin Marcos, a suspected drug coddler. Despite the findings, President Duterte said he would not let Marcos and his men go to jail. Even Duterte fanatics were like, “’Tang ina! Ano ba talaga?!”

1marcos-abscbnnews
Roots
CIDG Region 8 head, Supt. Marvin Marcos, who is reportedly involved in criminal activities, traces his roots to the family of the late dictator Ferdinand Marcos. You know the idiom, ‘it runs in the family.’

No Intention
Vice President Leni Robredo says she has not read and has no intention to read the Facebook blog of starlet Mocha Uson who has consistently spread malicious and baseless information against her. That’s understandable though because there are certainly better things to do than reading Mocha Uson’s blog. For example, anything.

Pregnant
The Vice President has recently denied malicious rumors that she is pregnant. Some of her supporters believe it’s Mocha Uson who’s probably pregnant because Uson reportedly wakes up in the middle of the night craving… attention.

1lendutsphilstar
No Intention II
According to Vice President Leni Robredo, she has not read the blog of starlet Mocha Uson and has no intention to read it. Or as Mocha Uson would say on Facebook, “Vice President Leni Robredo, naglilihi, galit na galit sa blog ko.”

Employed
Reports say the number of jobless Filipinos has dropped in the third quarter of the year. In totally unrelated news, online trolls thanked the government for giving them a job.

Fake
Facebook has filed a patent on a system to automatically identify and remove posts containing fake news. You’ll be jobless soon government trolls!

1miss-u
Miss U
Miss Universe 2017, which will be held on January 30 next year, has been officially launched in Manila. You can see the excitement on their faces: Pia Wurtzbach, the candidates, and Chavit Singson.

Tourism undersecretary Kat De Castro is very visible these days. She’s the pageant’s biggest supporter.
——————————————————————————————————————
“Never be content to sit back and watch as others’ rights are trampled upon. Your rights could be next.”
~DaShanne Stokes

Sound Bites
“Tingin ko kailangan mo lang ng trolls kung kailangan mong humanap ng kakampi. But because marami namang like-minded and pareho nating pakiramdam sa mga bagay, tingin ko hindi natin kailangan sumama sa bandwagon.”
~Vice President Leni Robredo

Ignore them.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Leni/Duterte: Philstar.com; Marvin Marcos: ABSCBN News; Gordon: Rappler; Miss Universe: @LeilasINQ]





MAY NAG-TEXT!

6 12 2016

1untitled
BANNED
DUTERTE: Pare, sabihan mo si Leni, ‘wag na siyang umattend ng Cabinet meeting.

BONG GO: Pare naman, ba’t ako ang magsasabi eh hindi naman ako ang pangulo?

DUTERTE: Mismo! Sino bang pangulo? Ikaw o ako?

BONG GO: Ikaw.

DUTERTE: So sino ang masusunod?

BONG GO: Ako.

DUTERTE:

BONG GO: Heto na po ite-text na!

1bongdutz-rappler
The Choice
DUTERTE: Pare, sabihan mo si Leni, simula sa Lunes, ‘wag na ‘wag na siyang a-attend ng kahit anong Cabinet meeting.

BONG GO: Sige pare. Sasabihan ko na.

DUTERTE: Teka muna! Paano nga pala ‘yong tuhod na lagi kong tinititigan?

BONG GO: Pare, you have to decide. Tuhod o Bongbong? Alin ang mas gusto mo?

DUTERTE: ‘Tang inang tanong ‘yan pare! Tuhod ‘yon ng babae. Si Bongbong, lalaki!

BONG GO:

DUTERTE: Bongbong siyempre. #MarcosPaRin

The Text Message
SECRETARY EVASCO: Gd evening Madam Vice President. ‘Wag ka na raw umattend ng meetings sabi ni Bong Go.

LENI: Wait. Sino po ulit ang nagsabi? Si Bong Go ho ba o ang presidente?

EVASCO: Si Bong Go.

LENI: Akala ko si presidente.

EVASCO: Oo nga.

LENI: Huh? Sino bang presidente?

EVASCO: Si Bong Go.

LENI:

EVASCO: Sorta.

1dutzevasco
The Text Message II
BONG GO: Pareng Jun, i-text mo si Leni. ‘Wag na raw siyang umattend ng Cabinet meeting sabi ni Presidente.

SECRETARY EVASCO: Teka pare. Ba’t ako ang magsasabi? Sino bang inutusan ni Presidente?

BONG GO: Ako.

EVASCO: Eh ‘di ikaw ang mag-text.

BONG GO: Wala akong load eh.

EVASCO: Pasahan kita.

BONG GO: Lobat na ako eh.

EVASCO: Pahiramin kita ng charger.

BONG GO: Android ‘to eh. iPhone ka.

EVASCO: ‘Tang ina naman. Wala kang bayag! Sige na nga, ite-text ko na!

The Text Message III
LENI: Hi Secretary Go. Nag-text si CabSec Jun Evasco. ‘Wag na raw akong a-attend ng meeting starting Monday. At ikaw raw ang nagpapasabi. Totoo ba?

BONG GO:

LENI: ‘Pag ‘di kasi ako umattend ng Cabinet meeting, mai-skip ko ‘yong trabaho ko. So totoo ba ‘yong tinext ni CabSec Jun?

BONG GO:

LENI: Secretary Go, last text ko na ‘to. Can you confirm na hindi na ako pinaa-attend ng Cabinet meeting?!? Please reply.

BONG GO: Uy Bongbong, ano bang isasagot ko dito kay VP Leni? Sunud-sunod ang text eh.

LENI:

BONG GO: Ooops. Sorry po. Wrong send.

Resignation Letter
LENI: I accepted the appointment as Chairperson of the Housing and Urban Development Coordinating Council (HUDCC) given our shared commitment to the poor and marginalized.

DUTERTE: O, tapos?

LENI: I have exerted all effort to put aside our differences, maintain a professional working relationship, and work effectively despite the constraints because the Filipino people deserve no less.

DUTERTE: Ano pa?

LENI: However, your directive for me to “desist from attending all Cabinet meetings” has effectively made it impossible for me to do my job. Remaining in your Cabinet has become untenable.

DUTERTE: Ang tagal naman ng “With due respect… “

LENI: With due respect, I am tendering my resignation as HUDCC Chairperson effective immediately.

DUTERTE *typing*
Dear Bongbong, You’re welcome. Merry Christmas!

1leni-inquirer
The Text Message IV
SECRETARY EVASCO: Gd evening again Madam Vice President. Ipinasasabi ni Bong Go na may kapalit ka na raw bilang housing czar.

LENI: Wala pong problema. Pero ang bilis! Wala pang 24 hours, nakahanap agad. Sino po bang kapalit ko?

EVASCO: Ako.

LENI:

EVASCO:

LENI:

EVASCO: Txt back.

Heavy Heart
LENI: With due respect, I am tendering my resignation as HUDCC Chairperson effective immediately.

ANDANAR: The President accepts your resignation as housing czar. With a heavy heart.

LENI:

ANDANAR: Czaring!

1bong-inquirer
IN OTHER NEWS…
Denied
BONG REVILLA: Manong Digong, akala ko ba idi-dismiss ng Korte Suprema ang kaso ko ‘pag nasa pwesto ka na?

DUTERTE: Sino ‘to?

BONG REVILLA: Si Bong.

DUTERTE: Marcos?

BONG REVILLA: Hindi! Si Bong, Bong Revilla!

DUTERTE: Sorry, choppy ka, choppy. Text ka ulit.

Denied II
BONG REVILLA: Manong Digong, akala ko ba mananalo ako sa kaso pag-upo mo?

DUTERTE: Sino ‘to?

BONG REVILLA: Si Bong! Bong Revilla.

DUTERTE: Teka naman, isa-isa lang. Kapapanalo lang ng Marcos burial eh. Baka mahalata.

BONG REVILLA: So pa’no? Ganun na lang ‘yun?! Matapos ka naming papanalunin sa Cavite, kakalimutan mo na ako? Matapos kang mangakong lalaya ako bago mag-Pasko, iiwan mo ako? Matapos akong umasang madi-dismiss ang kaso, ganyan ang sasabihin mo?!?

DUTERTE: Manahimik ka tangna mu! Ako ba ang nagbulsa ng 200 million? Ako ba ang kakuntsaba ni Janet Napoles? Ako ba ang nakinabang sa pork barrel?

BONG REVILLA:

DUTERTE: Sorry naman! Nagtatanong lang. Hindi ako nagbibintang.
____________________________________________________________________________
“Tyranny seldom announces itself…In fact, a tyranny may exist without an individual tyrant. A whole government, even a democratically elected one, may be tyrannical.”
~Joseph Sobran

1bongdutz-rappler
Sound Bites
“This is not the time for fear. It is a time for conviction. It is a time for courage.”
~Vice President Leni Robredo

Fight on.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte/Bong Go: Inquirer.net; Leni Robredo: Inquirer.net; Jun Evasco/Duterte: Inquirer.net]





MEANWHILE, IN HELL…

30 11 2016

1imelda-femc
SATAN IS FURIOUS. Nawawala kasi ang wallet niyang puno ng pera. Sumigaw:

Marcoooos! Hindi ka na ba talaga magbabago?!?

Day 1. Hell. Attendance.
SATAN: Welcome to hell. Pangalan…

MARCOS: Ferdinand E. Marcos

SATAN: Kasalanan…

MARCOS: Naging pangulo ako ng Pilipinas.

SATAN: Hindi ‘yan kasalanan. ‘Wag na tayong magpaliguy-ligoy pa.

MARCOS: Wala akong matandaan.

SATAN: Pagtortyur, pagpatay, pagsisinungaling, pangangaliwa, pang-aabuso, pagnanakaw… admit it! You’re guilty!

MARCOS: Huh? Unang-una, ‘yong guilt, paano ko ia-admit eh ang liit-liit ko nun.

SATAN:

MARCOS:

SATAN: ‘Dagdag mo pa ang plagiarism, gago!

Unafraid
SATAN: Welcome to hell!

MARCOS: Hello! ‘Musta?

SATAN: ‘Di ka natatakot sa akin?

MARCOS: Hindi.

SATAN: HINDI KA NATATAKOT SA AKIN?!?

MARCOS: Hindi nga!

SATAN: Bakit ‘di ka natatakot eh ako si Satanas.

MARCOS: Exactly. Satanas ang pangalan mo, hindi Imelda. Bakit ako matatakot?

Homesick
SATAN: O, ba’t parang ang lungkot mo d’yan?

MARCOS: Walang gustong makipag-usap sa akin eh.

SATAN: ‘Wag kang mag-alala. Bibigyan kita ng kausap. You have a lot of things in common. Magkakasundo kayo.

A minute later:
CNN Breaking News: Cuban leader Fidel Castro dead at 90

marcos
Phone Rates in Hell
MARCOS: Pwede bang makitawag?

SATAN: May bayad!

MARCOS: Magkano ba? Tatawagan ko lang si Cory, hihingi ako ng tawad.

SATAN: 100 pesos per minute.

Marcos dials Cory’s number. He pays Satan 300 pesos.
A minute later…

MARCOS: Puwedeng pagamit ulit ng phone? Tatawagan ko lang ang human rights victims noong Martial Law.

SATAN: 100 pesos per minute.

Marcos phones the human rights victims. He pays Satan 300 pesos.
Seconds later…

MARCOS: Last na. Patawag ulit. Kailangang-kailangan ko lang makausap si Imelda, si Bongbong, at si Imee, my family.

SATAN: 3 pesos per minute.

MARCOS: Huh? Ba’t kanina 100 pesos tapos ngayon 3 pesos per minute lang?

SATAN: ‘Yong kay Cory at sa human rights victims, long distance ‘yon. ‘Yong sa asawa at mga anak mo, local call lang ‘yon. Within the area lang sila.

The Deal
MARCOS: Sobrang init naman dito sa kuwarto ko. Pwede bang lumipat sa may aircon?

SATAN: Pwede naman pero may kapalit.

MARCOS: Ano ‘yon?

SATAN: Kukunin ko ang kaluluwa ni Imelda, ni Bongbong at ni Imee.

MARCOS: Ganun?!?

SATAN: So, ayaw mo?

MARCOS: May sinabi ba akong ayaw? Deal!

Satan allows Marcos to transfer to an air-conditioned room.
Minutes later.

SATAN: Bumalik ka na sa dati mong kuwarto!

MARCOS: Bakit?!? May deal tayo ‘di ba?

SATAN: Manloloko! Wala silang kaluluwa!

In Other News…
An improvised explosive device was found near the US Embassy along Roxas Boulevard the other day. Authorities detonated the home-made bomb — successfully completing Day 1 of the martial law dryrun.

PNP Chief Ronald De La Rosa says the home-made bomb could have been planted by the Maute Group, an Islamic rebel group that has pledged allegiance to ISIS. De La Rosa refuses to make conclusions though since he has also received reports Leila De Lima was spotted in the area two days ago.

balero-rappler
Congressman Climax
Heavily criticized for asking Ronnie Dayan questions like, “Mahilig ka ba sa sili?” and “Kailan kayo nag-climax?” during last week’s Lower House hearing, 1-Ang Edukasyon party-list representative Salvador Belaro Jr. blamed the media for what he called “selective reporting.” Apparently, the media failed to report that Balero also asked other questions such as: “Mahilig ba si De Lima sa lollipop?” “Nakailang putok ba ang kanyon?” and “Kinain mo ba ang tilapia?”

According to party-list representative Salvador Belaro Jr., his questions were necessary to establish “power relations between De Lima and Dayan.” In fact, his questions were so relevant, he compiled them into a booklet called, “A Guide to Insulting People’s Intelligence.”

1-Ang Edukasyon party-list representative Salvador Belaro Jr., who has earned the monicker ‘Congressman Climax,’ denied rumors his party-list group’s name has been changed to 1-Ang Maledukasyon.
—————————————————————————————————————————————-
“The secret of freedom lies in educating people, whereas the secret of tyranny is in keeping them ignorant.”
~Maximilien Robespierre

Sound Bites
“I will include you because you are the reason why their numbers swell.”
~President Duterte threatening to kill human rights activists who criticize him for extrajudicial killings

“At this moment in our history, every voice counts and I wish to place mine on the side of history: not the history that the Duterte [administration] ignores, but the history that beckons our people to demand justice that even the highest court of the land will not bestow.”
~Maria Serena Diokno, Resigned chair, National Historical Commission of the Philippines

Make a stand. #MarcosNOTaHero

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Marcos Burial 1: FEMC; Marcos Burial2: Philippine Army; Salvador Belaro Jr: Rappler]





CLIMAX: CONGRESS UNCENSORED

25 11 2016

IF THERE’S a case against Leila De Lima, she must be charged and tried in the court of law. If the allegations are proven to be true, she must face the consequences of her actions. But first, Leila De Lima must be shamed – at least according to Filipino congressmen and their online cheering squad.

Just when you thought, the Lower House couldn’t get lower, Nov. 24 happened. In case you missed it, here’s the unedited, uncensored transcript of the sexually-charged portions of Thursday’s hearing at the House of Representatives.

1house
SEX
Congressman A: Minahal mo ba si De Lima?

Ronnie Dayan: Minahal ko po.

Congressman A: Totoong pagmamahal?

Ronnie Dayan: Tama po.

Congressman A: Kung ganun, ilang beses kayo nagse-sex noon sa loob ng isang linggo?

Ronnie Dayan: Ano pong kuneksyon niyan sa droga?

Congressman A: I would like to remind you Mr. Witness. You are under oath! Inuulit ko: ILANG BESES KAYO NAGSE–SEX SA LOOB NG ISANG LINGGO?!

Ronnie Dayan: Sige, sumigaw pa kayo. Ilakas n’yo pa para malaman ng lahat kung gaano kayo kaatat magtanong tungkol sa sex! May mikropono na, sumisigaw pa. Sige, heto ang mikropono ko para dalawa na. Go, sigaw pa! Pati sexual position, gusto n’yong ikuwento ko?

Congressman A:

Ronnie Dayan:

Congressman A: ‘To naman. Nagtatanong lang. Ang dami agad sinabi!

UNDER OATH
Congressman B: Ikaw ba ay nangulekta ng pera mula sa drug lords sa Bilibid para kay De Lima?

Ronnie Dayan: Hindi po.

Congressman B: Sigurado ka?

Ronnie Dayan: Opo.

Congressman B: I am reminding you, you are under oath.

Ronnie Dayan: Hindi nga eh. ‘Tang ina.

Congressman B:

Ronnie Dayan: Sorry naman. Na-carried away lang. Ang kulit n’yo kasi.

TAKSIL!
Congressman C: Ito na lang: kung hindi ka nangulekta ng drug money sa Bilibid para kay De Lima, minahal mo ba siya?

Ronnie Dayan: Opo.

Congressman C: Ilang years naging kayo?

Ronnie Dayan: Pito po.

Congressman C: Ibig sabihin, nagtaksil ka sa iyong asawa?!?

Ronnie Dayan: Sino po bang hindi nagtaksil sa asawa? SA MGA CONGRESSMAN NA NANDITO NGAYON, SAGUTIN N’YO PO AKO, SINO SA INYO ANG HINDI NAGTAKSIL SA ASAWA? IKAW SIR, HINDI KA BA NAGTAKSIL SA IYONG ASAWA? SINO SI CATHERINE, ‘YONG DATING SCHOLAR MO SA PROBINSYA NA GINAWA MONG RESEARCH ASSISTANT?!? SAGOT!!!

Congressman C:

Ronnie Dayan: Nagtatanong lang sir. Kung ayaw mong sagutin, ‘k lang. Walang pilitan.

NECESSARY
Female Solon: This line of questioning is necessary to establish your closeness to Senator De Lima. Sana ay maintindihan kami ng publiko. Moving on, may asawa ka ‘di ba?

Ronnie Dayan: Opo. May asawa po ako.

Female Solon: May asawa ka pero nakiapid ka kay De Lima. May mga anak kayo pero iniwan mo ang iyong misis para sa kanya. Anong klaseng asawa ka? Anong klaseng ama ka? At anong klaseng tao ka?

Ronnie Dayan: Bakit ganyan ka manghusga ma’am? Hinusgahan ba kita nang ipatayo mo ang Cebu International Convention Center noong 2006 na walang public bidding? Hinusgahan ba kita nang sampahan ka ng 11 counts of graft ng Ombudsman? Hinusgahan ba kita nang ma-indict ka dahil sa katiwalian?

Female Solon:

Ronnie Dayan: No further questions ma’am. You may proceed. Thank you.

1belar
CLIMAX
Congressman D: Ang pagmamahal mo ba kay De Lima ay tapat, wagas, at dalisay?

Ronnie Dayan: Tama po sir.

Congressman D: Ibig sabihin, hindi lang ito init ng katawan?

Ronnie Dayan: Hindi po.

Congressman D: Saan ito nag-climax?

Ronnie Dayan: Ba’t po ganyan ang inyong mga tanong?

Congressman D: ‘Wag mo akong husgahan gago. In aid of masturbation legislation ang ginagawa namin.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Congressman E: Totoo bang nag-away din kayo ni De Lima noon?

Ronnie Dayan: Totoo po sir. Kasi nalaman kong may iba na s’ya.

Congressman E: Anong ginawa mo noong nag-away kayo?

Ronnie Dayan: Sinampal ko po siya sir.

Congressman E: SINAMPAL MO!?!? Ka-babaeng tao sinaktan mo? Wow. Sana nag-isip ka muna.

Ronnie Dayan: Sana sir inisip n’yo rin ‘yan bago n’yo sinaktan ang asawa n’yo noon!

Congressman E:

Ronnie Dayan: Tumatakas pa nga siya noon para makaiwas sa pananakit n’yo ‘di ba?!?

Congressman E:

Ronnie Dayan: Humingi pa nga s’ya noon ng tulong sa women’s groups ‘di ba?

Congressman E:

Ronnie Dayan: And worse, nang ‘di na niya makayanan

Congressman E: ‘Tang ina mo manahimik ka gago!!%$# Mr. Chair, I move for a one-minute suspension.

SEX VIDEO 1
Congressman F: Totoo ba ang tsismis na may sex video kayo ni De Lima?

Ronnie Dayan: Hindi po. Eh kayo sir, totoo ba ang tsismis na may sex video kayo ng dating sexy actress na si V***** V**** noong 1980s?

Congressman F: Dapat kasi ‘di na ako nagtanong eh. No further questions Mr. Chair.

1harry-roque
SALAT
Congressman G: Sabi mo, may dinala kang pera kay De Lima galing kay Kerwin Espinosa pero ‘di mo alam kung magkano?

Ronnie Dayan: Tama po.

Congressman G: Sigurado kang pera? Bakit ‘di mo alam kung magkano?

Ronnie Dayan: Hindi ko po sinilip. Sinalat ko lang.

Congressman G: Ang hilig mo kasing magsalat!

Ronnie Dayan: Ano pong pangalan n’yo sir?

Congressman G: Harry. I am Congressman Harry Roque.

Ronnie Dayan: Ang baboy n’yo po.

Congressman G:

Ronnie Dayan: Joooke.

KABIT
Female Solon 2: So inaamin mong naging kayo talaga ni Senator De Lima.

Ronnie Dayan: Tama po.

Female Solon 2: Pamilyado kang tao. Ibig sabihin, kabit mo si De Lima?

Ronnie Dayan: Hindi ko po itinatanggi.

Female Solon 2: No further questions Mr. Chair.

Ronnie Dayan: Excuse me ma’am, kayo po ba si Congresswoman Baby Arenas?

Female Solon 2: Oo, ako nga. Bakit?

Ronnie Dayan: Kababayan ko po si dating Pangulong Ramos.

Female Solon 2:

Ronnie Dayan; #justsaying

SEX VIDEO 2
Congressman X: Totoo bang may sex video kayo ni De Lima?

Ronnie Dayan: Sex video po??

Congressman X: Oo! SEX VIDEO!

Ronnie Dayan: Wala po.

Congressman X: I am reminding you Mr. Dayan: you are still under oath! Again, ang tanong ko: may sex video ba kayo ni De Lima?

Ronnie Dayan: Wala po.

Congressman X: So hindi totoo ‘yung napanood ko sa Pornhub.com?

Ronnie Dayan: Hindi po.

Congressman X: Edited lang ‘yong nakita ko sa MangKanor.net?

Ronnie Dayan: Malamang sir.

Congressman X: Punyeta! Bukas na bukas din, I am going to file a bill that will punish people who upload fake videos on porn sites. Panloloko ang ginagawa ng mga ‘yan!
—————————————————————————————————————-
“Did freedom have to mean abolishing common decency?”
~Francine Rivers, ‘A Voice in the Wind’

Sound Bites
“It is not surprising that there is a surge in the number of sexual harassment cases against our women both online and off. The dishonorable behavior of our lawmakers has reinforced this despicable culture since the beginning of these investigations.”
~Sen. Risa Hontiveros

Bay of pigs.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Screen caps: Rappler]





MISSING: ALAN PETER CAYETANO

22 11 2016

EVEN HITLER is wondering why Alan Peter Cayetano, Bongbong Marcos’s harshest critic during the 2016 elections, is mum on the biggest issue in the country today – the burial of the late dictator Ferdinand Marcos at the Libingan ng mga Bayani.

[Note: If you can’t see the subtitles, turn on Subtitles/Closed Caption in the settings]
_____________________________________________________________________________________
“I decided it is better to scream. Silence is the real crime against humanity.”
~Nadezhda Mandelstam, ‘Hope Against Hope’

Sound Bites
“In all honesty, I’m telling you: wala akong alam.”
~Rodrigo Duterte on the burial of dictator Ferdinand Marcos

Joke of the week.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





IMMORAL

18 11 2016

THE SUPREME Court’s decision is not final and executory yet but – unannounced, the Marcos family decided to bury the late dictator Ferdinand Marcos at the Libingan ng mga Bayani on Friday, Nov. 17. Maging ang kahuli-hulihang sandali, NAKAW.

1kerwingmanews
ALLEGED DRUG lord Kerwin Espinosa, who was arrested in Dubai last month, is back. He’s very much alive – as of this posting.

Interviewed by the media at the airport, Kerwin Espinosa apologized to President Duterte and asked for a “second chance.” To be fair to the President who’s in Peru for the APEC Summit, he didn’t ignore Kerwin. He replied, “Second chance? Ano ‘yun?”

Justice Sec. Vitaliano Aguirre is confident Kerwin Espinosa will implicate Sen. Leila De Lima in the illegal drugs trade. Between doing that and death, the choice is obvious.


Confirmed
Sen. Leila De Lima has admitted her past relationship with former driver and bodyguard Ronnie Dayan. Asked by ‘Bawal ang Pasaway’ host Winnie Monsod why she fell for her driver/bodyguard, Senator De Lima replied, “frailties of a woman.” When sought for reaction on Senator De Lima’s ‘frailties’ comment, Ronnie Dayan said he would first consult his family, his lawyer, and a dictionary.

Senator De Lima has confirmed rumors she had an affair with her former driver and bodyguard Ronnie Dayan. Or as the Manila Times and the Manila Standard would say, “De Lima admits drug links.”

Immoral
Justice Secretary Vitaliano Aguirre wants Senator De Lima disbarred because of “immorality.” To which, Presidente Duterte, Manny Pacquiao, Bong Revilla, Joseph Estrada, and 85 percent of Congress said, “Pwede bang mag-focus na lang tayo sa drugs?”

Andanar
According to Communications Secretary Martin Andanar, people opposing the Marcos burial at the Libingan ng mga Bayani were “temperamental brats” who have an “awesome capacity for nurturing hate.” Human rights advocates and lawyers for Martial Law victims described Andanar’s opinion as “lunatic.” In other words, “presidential.”

After drawing flak for his controversial statement, palace mouthpiece Martin Andanar wrote an apology on Facebook. He said, “I am sorry for calling you temperamental, brats!”

Martial Law
Communications Sec. Martin Andanar says, “Martial law never crossed” President Duterte’s mind and “it’s far from reality.” He didn’t say though whose “reality” – ours or Duterte’s.

Blackout
The Department of Energy has ordered a probe into the power outage in Luzon including Metro Manila last Tuesday. Some are blaming power generation companies while others believe it was the fault of distribution utilities. Malacañang has instructed energy officials to figure out a way to blame it on Leila De Lima.

Sexist
Interviewed by the Judicial and Bar Council, Atty. Persida Rueda-Acosta, an aspirant for associate justice of the Supreme Court said laws on adultery and concubinage must be tougher on women – to the utter shock of gender equality advocates. Worse, when asked what punishment would be most appropriate for cheating wives, Acosta said, “We should burn them at the stake.”


Grilled
Lawyer Persida Acosta was recently grilled by the Judicial and Bar Council. When asked by JBC execom chair retired Justice Angelina Sandoval-Gutierrez on the issue of the Marcos burial, Acosta faltered and was interrupted by the 78-year-old Gutierrez. It got more awkward when everyone in the room shouted, “Face to face! Face to face!”

BB Gandanghari
The actor formerly known as Rustom Padilla is now legally a woman. An Orange Country court granted her request to change her gender to female and her name to Binibini Gandanghari. As a woman, BB vows to campaign for LGBT rights and to campaign against Atty. Persida Acosta.
———————————————————————————————————————————-
“Ignorance is not bad faith. But persistence in ignorance is.”
~Joanna Russ

Sound Bites
“Huwag n’yong solohin ’yung kapangyarihan niyo. Kayo lang parating tigas eh, kaya lang, you threaten us as if we are your laborers. I’m the President of the Philippines. I’m not their President. I don’t care. I don’t give a shit.”
~Rodrigo Duterte to APEC leaders

Inaano ka ba?

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Kerwin Espinosa: GMA News: Leila De Lima: GMA TV; Persida Acosta: Rappler]





LET THERE BE LIGHT (2016)

12 11 2016

untitled
Light bulb jokes, anyone?

Q: How many President Dutertes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One but it will probably take him 3 to 6 months (or even longer) to accomplish it.

Q: How many President Dutertes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to buy a new bulb from China and another to change it.

Q: How many President Dutertes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. He holds the bulb and the universe revolves around him.

Q: How many President Dutertes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and another to curse America out of habit.

Q: How many Vitaliano Aguirres does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and another to insist that Leila De Lima was responsible for the old bulb burning out.

Q: How many high-profile inmates does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Depends. What do they get in return?

Q: How many Leila De Limas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and another to initiate a probe on the possible involvement of President Duterte in the old light bulb’s death.

Q: How many General Bato De la Rosas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one but he’ll only do it in front of TV cameras and photographers.

Q: How many palace spokespersons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: At least five. One to change it and four to interpret what just happened.

Q: How many Alan Peter Cayetanos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and another to downplay the light bulb’s “death” saying more light bulbs “died” during the previous administration.

Q: How many Kris Aquinos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to tease the ‘event’ on Instagram, another to officially announce it in a presscon, and the third to actually change it.

Q: How many Supreme Court justices does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 14. Five to change it and nine to bury the burnt bulb at the Libingan ng mga Bayani.

Q: How many Official Gazette editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the new bulb and another to screw it in again – but with a new twist.

Q: How many Duterte fanatics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They won’t because the light bulb is “dilawan” and they hate anything “yellow.”

Q: How many Mocha Usons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and another to insinuate on Facebook that the “dead” light bulb took drugs and it deserved to die.

Q: How many Sandro Marcoses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The question is: does he even know what a light bulb is?

Q: How many La Salle basketeers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to import a reliable and really good light bulb and another to shout “Animo La Salle” while the third is changing it.

Q: How many UST basketeers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They would rather change their coach.

Q: How many UP Pep Squad members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They rather not. Maybe next year.

Q: How many Alma Morenos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Dasal lang. Dasal lang talaga.
————————————————————————————————————————
“To fight evil, you have to understand the dark.”
~Nalini Singh, ‘Heart of Obsidian’

Soundbites
“President Duterte, please give me a chance. I hope one day mamahalin mo rin ako.”
~Kris Aquino on Duterte’s snub of a scheduled interview

Do not insist.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo courtesy of Vector Stock and Mochablogger]





“LET IT GO!”

9 11 2016

VOTING 9-5, the Supreme Court allowed the burial of the late dictator Ferdinand Marcos at the Libingan ng mga Bayani as ordered by no less than President Duterte. The decision came out on the anniversary of Typhoon Yolanda as if reminding us all that this government can be as destructive.

1
With the Supreme Court’s decision, the refrigerated body of the late dictator Ferdinand E. Marcos will soon be interred at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. From sub-zero to hero.

Reacting to the High Court’s ruling, the dictator’s eldest daughter Imee said, “’Wag na tayong magdebate. Kung anuman ang ating galit, hinanakit sa inyong puso, let it go.” Imee’s reaction and the late dictator’s body have something in common: frozen.

Petitioners will ask the Supreme Court to reconsider. Looking at history, the nine justices won’t likely reverse. They revise.

1imee
Nine justices of the Supreme Court allowed the burial of dictator Ferdinand E. Marcos at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. The nine justices have been invited to write for the government’s Official Gazette.

Citing Marcos’s human rights record during martial law, Sen. Grace Poe said the late dictator should not be buried at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. It was the harshest reaction yet from a member of the Marcos family.

Meanwhile, world champion boxer Manny Pacquiao told the media, “Ang Panginoon nga nakakapagpatawad, tayo pa kaya?” proving yet again that talking to him is a complete waste of time.

The Supreme Court voted to allow the burial of the late dictator Ferdinand E. Marcos at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. Marcos’s grandson, Sandro hailed the decision saying it “makes sense in the long term, at least for now.”

lnnb
After months of waiting, the Supreme Court has decided to allow the burial of the late dictator Ferdinand Marcos at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. Finally, Marcos loyalists believe, his spirit can now “cross over.” Yup! To hell.

Security will be tight during the burial of the late dictator Ferdinand E. Marcos. The only thing tighter will be Imelda’s face.
———————————————————————————————————————-
“Lack of accountability weakens democracy, justice, human rights, and international security.”
~Widad Akreyi, Danish human right activist

Soundbites
“For the Court to pretend that the present dispute is a simple question of the entitlement of a soldier to a military burial is to take a regrettably myopic view of the controversy. It would be to disregard historical truths and legal principles that persist after death. As important, it would be to degrade the State’s duty to recognize the pain of countless victims of Marcos and Martial Law. Regardless of the promised national unity that the proposed burial will bring, I cannot, in good conscience, support such an expedient and shortsighted view of Philippine history.”
~Chief Justice Ma. Lourdes Sereno

#MarcosNOTaHero

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Imee Marcos: Danny Pata/GMA News; LNMB: Corregidor.com]








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