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FACT OR FAKE? YOU CHOOSE

26 06 2017

FIND OUT if you are updated. Select an answer by clicking it, and you’ll know right away if you got it right. Good luck!

1DuterteTravels

Sa unang taon pa lang niya sa office, 17 countries na agad ang nabisita ni President Duterte ayon sa Inquirer Research. Ilang beses siya bumiyahe?
36
Wrong! Ano ‘yun, 3x a month?! Wala nang ginawa kundi bumiyahe?
28
Mali! Pero gusto nina Sandra Cam at Mocha Uson ‘yan! Join daw sila.
21
Correct! Official lahat ‘yan. ‘Di pa kasama ang check-up. Ooops. Erase! Erase! Erase!

1Fake News

Who is the author of Senate Bill No. 1492 or An Act Penalizing the Malicious Distribution of False News and Other Related Violations?
Sen. Sonny Trillanes
Where have you been?
Sen. Joel Villanueva
Correct! Lakas ng tsamba!
Sen. Sonny Angara
Mali ka! You armchair expert!

1KingandQueenofFakeNews

Ano ang pamagat ng tele-radio program nina Martin Andanar at Mocha Uson?
DDS Podcast
Correct! ‘Di man lang pinag-isipan ‘no? But then again, what do you expect?
Tunay na Pagbabago!
Wrong! I can’t blame you though. Who would wanna listen to them?
Sulong, Pilipinas!
Mali! But it’s ok. We understand.

1Abby Binay

Nag-post ng picture si Vicki Belo after ng civil wedding nila ni Hayden Kho. Online, ang nagkasal kina Vicki at Hayden na si Makati City Mayor Abby Binay ay napagkamalang __________.
Maid ni Vicki Belo
Wrong! Pero ‘di kita masisi.
Alalay ni Hayden Kho
Wrong! Bawal ang babaeng alalay for Hayden. #AlamMoNa
Yaya ni Scarlet Snow Belo
Tama! At walang masama sa pagiging yaya. Masama ‘yung nagpapayaman sa puwesto.

1MMDA

Nagalit si MMDA Chairman Danilo Lim nang tanungin ng media tungkol sa mga plano nito upang maresolba ang matinding traffic sa Metro Manila. Sagot ni Lim:
“Gusto n’yong gawin ko ang solusyon eh isang buwan pa lang ako dito!”
Correct! May pagka-pikon si General. Afraid!
“Ang dami n’yong reklamo. Kayo kaya ang maupo sa MMDA!”
Mali! Katulad ng mga naging ex mo, mali!
“Kung magsalita kayo, parang kayo lang ang nata-traffic ah!”
Wrong! Sa love life nga, ‘di ka na tumama; pati ba naman sa quiz?!

1McCann

Hinamong “magpapawis” (suntukan) ni Erwin Tulfo ang award-winning investigative journalist na si Ed Lingao matapos punahin ni Lingao ang paggamit ni Tulfo ng fake news sa kanyang pambabatikos sa radyo. Ngunit sagot ni Lingao, kung gusto talaga ni Tulfo na pawisan, ito raw ang dapat niyang gawin.
Makipagsuntukan kay Claudine Barretto
Wrong! Hindi pa nga nakakabawi ang mga Tulfo eh. Tama na!
Kumain ng sili
Mali! Napakaanghang na nga ng bunganga niya eh. ‘Wag nang dagdagdan.
Mag-isip
Tama ka! ‘Yun daw ang dapat gawin ni Erwin Tulfo: mag-isip. Ang tanong: capable ba?

1BPI

Dahil sa glitch sa kanilang system recently, magkano raw ang “mistakenly withdrawn” mula sa BPI accounts?
P46-million
Correct! At fault daw ‘yun ng isa nilang programmer. May trabaho pa kaya siya?
P16-million
Wrong! Grade school pa lang, mahina ka na sa numbers. Until now pala.
P26-million
Mali! Puro headlines lang kasi ang binabasa mo! Tamad!

1FemaleOble

Kontrobersyal ang likhang-sining na ito ng artist na si Ferdinand Cacnio. Marami raw kasi itong kahalintulad na sculpture sa ibang bansa. Dubbed by the media as the floating “female Oblation,” what was the name given by Cacnio to his work?
UPsilon
Wrong! Kesyo Greek word, akala mo, ‘yun ang tama. You’re a disgrace to the society!
UPrising
Huhula ka na rin lang, mali pa! Hayyyy!
UPlift
Correct! Masaya ka na?

1lesbian

Kamakailan, nagulat ang members ng isang Church nang magsalita sa harapan ang isang 13-year-old girl at inaming siya ay lesbian! Ayun, inoff ang kanyang mikropono. Sa anong congregation siya kabilang?
Church of Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons)
Correct! Ang homophobic lang.
Iglesia Ni Cristo
Wrong! No further comment.
Jesus Is Lord Movement
Mali ka! Pray ka pa nang konti para tumama.

1Xennials

May termino ang isang sociologist for the micro-generation born between 1977 and 1983. Sila raw ang mix ng pessimistic Generation X at ng optimistic Millennials. Ano ang tawag sa kanila?
Xennials
Correct! In fairness, nabasa mo yata ang article about this.
GeneXials
Wrong! Obvious na obvious; nanghula ka lang.
Millexes
Mali ka na naman! Wala ka talagang silbi sa mundo.

1ben

Bonus Question: To the rescue kay Erwin Tulfo ang kapatid na si Ben Tulfo. He “pulvorized” (pahiram ng term mo, Ben)  investigative journalist Ed Lingao on radio. Tanong: Kung may aalisin si Ben Tulfo sa kanyang katawan, alin dito ang dapat niyang unahin:
Fake accent
To be fair, mas nauna ang fake accent kesa fake news!
Shades
Umuulan, may shades? Nasa loob ng radio booth, may shades? Action star ka!?
Mohorovičić discontinuity
Wala lang. Gusto ko lang isama sa choices. ‘Di naman niya alam kung ano ‘yun eh.

——————————————————————————————————————————————-
“No matter how kind you are, always expect a few imbeciles.”
~Criss Jami,Healology

Sound Bites
“At a time when it has become even more difficult to ferret truth from lies, spins and fakery, we hereby restate our firm promise to a high sense of responsibility and honesty in the practice of our chosen profession. We do so as we express our support to our esteemed colleague Ed Lingao who is now being pilloried and threatened by some quarters.”
~National Union of Journalists of the Philippines (NUJP)

Great.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Sources:
Duterte the Traveler; Photo: ABS-CBN News

Anti-Fake News Bill; Photo: Webbox.com.ph

Vicki Belo-Hayden Kho Wedding; Photo: Instagram/@victoria_belo

BPI Bank Systems Glitch; Photo: GMA Network

MMDA and Traffic; Photo: ABSCBN News

Ed Lingao vs. Erwin Tulfo
Ed Lingao vs. Ben Tulfo

Female Oblation; Photo: Ferdinand Cacnio’s Facebook Page

Church of Christ of Latter-Day Saints; Photo: Spreadshirt.ca

Xennials, the micro generation born between 1977 and 1983 are a ‘mix between pessimists and optimists’

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THE MUMMY, THE DESCENDANT & OTHER STORIES

20 06 2017

1BatoRizal
JUNE 19 marked the 156th birth anniversary of Dr. Jose P. Rizal. Interviewed at the Rizal Shrine in Calamba, Laguna, PNP Chief Ronald ‘Bato’ Dela Rosa claimed he was a descendant of our national hero. In response, Jose Rizal said, “This has got to be my worst birthday ever.”

On the celebration of the 156th birth anniversary of Dr. Jose Rizal, PNP Chief Bato Dela Rosa told the media he was a “proud descendant” of our national hero. Like Rizal, Bato says, he loves the Filipinos and he loves the Philippines. And he also loves attention.

State of Health
Is he sick? Is he in the hospital? Is he dying? After making himself scarce for five working days, President Duterte resurfaced in Butuan City last Sunday. He told the media, “I’m good. I’m alive.” Even Death doesn’t want to have anything to do with him.

When pressed about the issue, the President said, “I went on a trip somewhere. I cannot divulge it. I have to go there incognito. That’s the truth.” Of these four statements though, Malacañang has yet to identify which ones are hyperbole and which ones are not.

1CVUnli

Unli-Rice
Last week, netizens hit Sen. Cynthia Villar for saying unli-rice promos in restaurants should be prohibited because eating too much rice may lead to diabetes. A day later, Mrs. Villar clarified she just voiced out a legitimate health concern and was not pushing for a ban on unli-rice promos. And Senator Drilon was like, “Good to know.”

Slide
According to the World Economic Forum, the country’s ranking in the 2017 Travel and Tourism Competitiveness Index dropped five places to 79th spot out of 136 countries. As of this morning, the Department of Tourism is still trying to figure out a way to blame this on McCann Worldgroup.

1McCann

Dropped
As we all know, the Department of Tourism decided to cut ties with McCann Worldgroup amid allegations the agency copied its ‘Experience the Philippines’ ad from South Africa’s tourism advertisement. The public now wants to know what agency will replace McCann; when will the new ad be released, and why on earth is Wanda Teo still the DOT secretary?!?

The Mummy
Tom Cruise’s latest film, ‘The Mummy’ is performing poorly at the box office. ‘The Mummy’ tells the story of an awakened female monster who embarks on a furious rampage; wreaking havoc and destruction with the help of her minions by spreading fake news and hate on social media.
—————————————————————————————————————————————
“Blaming others is an act of refusing to take responsibility. When a person can’t accept the fact or the reality, they blamed another person or the situation instead of taking accountability.”
~Dee Dee Artner
1McCann

Burn Tulfo, Burn!
Investigative journalist Ed Lingao who was unfairly and viciously attacked on-air by Radyo Singko host Erwin Tulfo (and online, by Dutertrolls) posted a rejoinder on Facebook. This is our ‘Burn of the Week.’ Reposting the screen caps from Mr. Lingao’s Facebook account.
1EdL1
1EdL2
1EdL3
1EdL4
1EdL5

Sound Bites
“Sa kama lang naman ako, kayo naman. Coma? Kung coma ako, eh ‘di wala ako dito para mamutang ina.”
~President Duterte on health-related rumors

“Kung mag-research ka, makita n’yo sa kanilang family tree, sa mother side, meron doong nakalagay, isa sa mga lola niya Inez dela Rosa kaya ‘yun ang kina-capitalize ko na kine-claim ko na descendant ako ni Jose Rizal.”
~PNP Chief Bato Dela Rosa

Patahimikin n’yo na si Rizal. Please lang. Thank you.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Bato: Inquirer.net; Cynthia Villar: ABSCBN News; McCann/DOT: Rappler; Ed Lingao: PCIJ]





THIS IS NOT FAKE NEWS

10 06 2017

PHILIPPINE government and politics presented in graphs and charts. Enjoy and share!

1. P*TANG I*A!
3Languages

2. ALTERNATIVE FACTS
3Vacant

3. INTEL SOURCES
3Aguirre Intel

4. STUBBORN LOT
3Sharing

5. LIAR, LIAR
3BlameMedia

6. RESORTS WORLD ATTACK
3lEILA dELIMA

7. ZERO CREDIBILITY
3Pinocchio

8. DIEHARD
3Profile Fake Info

9. TARGETS
3DrugLords

10. THE CHIEF OF POLICE
3BatoDelArosajpg

11. THE CHOSEN ONES
3BayadUtang

12. MARKED MEN
3Enemies

13. THE SCAPEGOAT
3Leni

14. COMMON SENSE
3Wisdom

15. RAPE JOKES AND MISOGYNY
3rAPE jOKES

16. ARF! ARF!
3Puppies
_______________________________________________________________________________________
“You can’t debate satire. Either you get it or you don’t.”
~Michael Moore

Sound Bites
“It is bad enough that you have shown no qualms about throwing the law, the truth and justice out the window in your headlong rush to persecute – sorry, prosecute – perceived foes of the administration. But trying to blame others for your blunders unmasks you as a mean-spirited coward.”
~National Union of Journalists in the Philippines to DOJ Sec. Vitaliano Aguirre

Serves you right.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Images of graphs and charts from Graphjam.com; Copy: TPH]





THE GUNMAN AND WONDER WOMAN

5 06 2017

2Jessie
THE LONE GUNMAN in the Resorts World Manila attack last week has been identified. In a press conference Sunday, the parents of suspect Jessie Javier Carlos apologized to the victims of the incident that left 38 people dead. Thirty-eight! Tragic. The only thing more tragic is having Bato De La Rosa as PNP chief.

Police said robbery was the motive behind the attack. House Speaker Pantaleon Alvarez disagreed saying it was “a clear example of a ‘lone wolf’ terrorist attack targeting civilians to inflict maximum loss of life and damage to property.” It wasn’t clear how Alvarez arrived at his conclusion or why was he even talking about something that happened in Metro Manila when he’s from Mindanao.

Shortly after announcing the name of the gunman, NCRPO chief Oscar Albayalde reiterated, “This is not an act of terrorism. This incident is confined to the act of one man alone.” When Pantaleon Alvarez heard this, he texted President Duterte, “Boss o, he’s contradicting his own government.”

NCRPO Chief Oscar Albayalde said, “This is not an act of terrorism. We will not allow people or any group to use this situation to advance their propaganda or personal causes.” And Pantaleon Alvarez was like, “Inaano ba kita?”

2Trump

Immediately after news of the Resorts World attack broke, the madman in the White House – in a speech, carelessly labeled the incident as an act of terror. “I would like to begin by addressing the terrorist attack in Manila. We’re closely monitoring the situation,” said US President Pantaleon Trump.

The lone gunman, Jessie Javier Carlos was a dismissed Finance Department employee who got addicted to casino gambling. State-run PAGCOR which operates gaming establishments like casinos, said it would put in place measures to curb gambling addiction. In other news, McDonald’s and Coca-Cola vowed to promote healthy eating habits.

#MarCha on RTVM
Malacañang has launched a radio/podcast hosted by Martin Andanar and Mocha Uson on government station Radio TV Malacañang or RTVM. The title of the weekly program is FNN – Fake News Ngayon.

Logan… Live! 
Last week, Radio TV Malacañang or RTVM “accidentally” live-streamed the film ‘Logan’ on its official Facebook page. It was obviously a pirated copy of the movie shown in the Philippines three months ago. RTVM has apologized for livestreaming ‘Logan’ saying, “It’s an old film. We should have livestreamed ‘Wonder Woman’ instead.”

2WW

Wonder Woman
People are talking about the blockbuster and critically-acclaimed film ‘Wonder Woman.’ Wonder Woman is a fictional superhero appearing in DC Comics. A high-skilled fighter, Wonder Woman fights bad guys using a variety of weapons including a magical sword, the bracelets of victory, and the lasso of truth otherwise known as Mocha Uson’s worst nightmare.
______________________________________________________________________________________
“In a time of deceit telling the truth is a revolutionary act.”
~George Orwell

Sound Bites
“May Congress ba tayo? Puro tameme. Itong Senate and House, they are not voices, they are echoes. Kung anong sasabihin ni Digong, ‘Yes sir, yes sir!’”
~Former Senator Rene Saguisag

Truth.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: NCRPO Chief/Gunman: Romeo Ranoco/Reuters; Trump: AP/Evan Vucci; Wonder Woman: (Clay Enos/Warner Bros.]





FAKE NEWS AGENCY

30 05 2017

1FakeNA2
NETIZENS slammed the State-run Philippine News Agency (PNA) and its head Martin Andanar for using a Vietnam War photo (sans attribution) for its article on the Marawi City siege. The article was even re-posted by Assistant Sec. Oh No A Scum in her Facebook page. Earlier in May, the PNA also uploaded “fake news” on extrajudicial killings in the country.

On Tuesday, May 30, Andanar’s office issued a statement saying the mistakes “have cast doubt on our integrity.” What integrity?!

1FakeNA

HERE’S how the Philippine Fake News Agency would probably report the latest developments in the country.

1moon
An agent of the Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency inspects a shabu laboratory in Sta. Cruz, Laguna. (PFNA)

1300
Expressing support for President Duterte’s all-out war on drugs, hunky residents of Davao City volunteered to rid the city of drug pushers and drug users. #DefendtheRepublic (PFNA)

1Iwo
ISIS rebels raising a flag atop Mt. Banahaw in Luzon. President Duterte mulls declaring Martial Law in the region. (PFNA)

1tiananmen
An unidentified resident volunteers to bring food to government soldiers. #DefendTheRepublic (PFNA)

1peter;o
Malacañang dismisses rumors President Duterte is protecting alleged big-time drug lord Peter Lim. This PFNA file photo shows the President threatening to shoot Lim if he continues to operate in Mindanao.

1Shining
Kuha ito sa isinagawang raid ng pulisya sa hinihinalang pugad ng mga drug addicts sa Navotas City. Ang nasukol na lalaki sa larawan ay lulong sa ipinagbabawal na gamot. (PFNA)

vietnam
Police rescued at least a dozen children from their abusive drug-dependent parents in Caloocan and Malabon last Thursday. (PFNA)

1rockefiiieller
Namamahinga ang ilang construction workers sa itinatayo nilang gusali sa Makati City. Kumpiyansa ang mga negosyante sa takbo ng ekonomiya sa ilalim ng administrasyong Duterte. (PFNA)

1beatles
Tourists cross a street in Lanao Del Sur. Peace-loving foreigners appreciate the declaration of Martial Law in Mindanao. (PFNA)

18815921_10154532667266889_968384371_n
Tumulong ang mga mangingisdang Pinoy sa pagsagip sa ilang miyembro ng Chinese Navy matapos lumubog ang sinasakyang patrol boat ng mga ito sa West Philippine Sea. Pinatunayan nito ang lalo pang tumitibay na pagkakaibigan ng Pilipinas at China. (PFNA)

1et
PNP Chief Ronald Bato De La Rosa has denied reports the number of riding-in-tandem vigilantes is on the rise. (PFNA)
——————————————————————————————————————————————
“You can sway a thousand men by appealing to their prejudices quicker than you can convince one man by logic.”
― Robert A. Heinlein

Sound Bites
a.k.a. The Ultimate ‘Burn’ of the Month

1burn

Elsewhere
The psychology behind fake news
The first is “motivated reasoning,” the idea that we are motivated to believe whatever confirms our opinions.

Huwag tanga.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: PNA via Rappler, and Wikimedia Commons]





CONFIDENTIAL

26 05 2017

0PDUT
PRESIDENT DUTERTE was in Moscow recently. He had a brief conversation with Russian President Vladimir Putin. He said, “You are a powerful leader. I admire your tyrannical mindset.” There’s no word yet on how Duterte responded.

Sacked
President Duterte fired Dangerous Drugs Board (DDB) chair Benjamin Reyes for telling the media there were 1.8 million drug users in the country: people who exhibit changes in behavior, hallucinations, and paranoia. Duterte insists the number is from 3 to 4 million. I believe it’s 16 million.

0Reyes

In a televised speech, President Duterte fired DDB chair Benjamin Reyes. Addressing the official, Duterte said, “You’re fired today. Get out of the service. You do not contradict your own government!” Malacañang is now accepting applicants for the vacated post. To qualify for the job, aspirants must meet the following criteria: experience, dedication, and disregard for truth.

The DDB chair has been fired. Malacañang has created a three-man search committee to look for a replacement. The three members of the committee are all Bong Go.

Fake 
On Wednesday, President Duterte said the chief of police of Malabang, Lanao Del Sur was beheaded by the Maute group. The next day, Malabang police chief Senior Inspector Romeo Enriquez surfaced and told the media, “I am still alive!” Enriquez fears losing his job though because he contradicted his own government.

0PDUT

ISIS
The ISIS terror group has reportedly established a branch in Mindanao, and Abu Sayyaf leader Isnilon Japilon is their point man. In an intercepted message, ISIS revealed its plan to sow terror, fear, and divisiveness in the country saying “Duterte cannot do it alone.”

Leaked
The transcript of last month’s phone conversation between US President Donald Trump and President Rodrigo Duterte had been leaked online. Trump and Duterte talked about North Korea’s Kim Jong Un, with both leaders describing Kim as a “madman.” In response, Kim Jong Un was like, “Hiyang-hiya naman ako sa katinuan n’yo!”

Leaked II
According to the leaked transcript, when Donald Trump asked Duterte about Kim Jong Un, Duterte answered, “He is not stable, Mr. President.” In a statement released by Pyongyang, the North Korean leader admitted that being called ‘unstable’ by someone like Duterte was a double insult.
0PRRDPOTUS

In case you missed it, here are portions of the Trump-Duterte phone convo translated into Tagalog:

POTUS PRRD CALL
April 29, 2017
10:00PM

POTUS: Rodrigo, ano ba ang tingin mo kay Kim Jong Un ng North Korea?

PRRD: Mr. President, mukhang may topak eh.

POTUS: Parang tayo lang. Ha-ha-ha

PRRD:

POTUS: Hello? Rodrigo? Nandiyan ka pa? Hello?!?

* * * * *

POTUS: Rodrigo, nabasa ko ang sinabi mo tungkol sa Australian rape victim. Totoo ba ‘yun? “Dapat mauna si Mayor.” Ang gago lang! Ha-ha-ha

PRRD: Mr. President, narinig ko ang secret tape ng pag-uusap n’yo ng host na si Billy Bush tungkol sa mga babae. Sabi mo, “I grab them by the pussy.” ‘Tang ina, kupal.

POTUS:

PRRD: Mr. President, still there? Hello?!?

* * * * *

POTUS: Rodrigo, saludo ako sa drug war mo. Dito sa US, marami ring addict kaya nakaka-relate ako.

PRRD: Salamat, Mr. President.

POTUS: Salot talaga ‘yang droga. ‘Pag na-addict ka d’yan, masisira ang utak mo. Totopakin ka. ‘Buti na lang never akong na-addict sa kahit anong droga. Tarantado lang ang naa-addict sa droga.

PRRD:

POTUS:

PRRD:

POTUS: May nasabi ba akong masama? Hello? Rodrigo? Hello?!?
____________________________________________________________________________________
“Authoritarianism does not let people decide; its basic premise is that people do not know how to decide. It promotes repression that prevents meaningful change, and preserves the structure of power and privilege.”
~Former senator Jose W. Diokno

Sound Bites
“I urge you to speak out with truth even against the overwhelming tide of popular opinion and reach out to the oppressed and disenfranchised. When you face threats to the sanctity of human rights or the stability of our democracy, give your all to protect these freedoms. Give your all to protect our nation and our people.”
~Chief Justice Ma. Lourdes Sereno, Commencement Address, ADMU, 5.26.2017

True.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte/Putin: Maxim Shemetov/AP; Reyes/DDB: GMA News]





EXCLUSIVE: DUTERTE & XI CONVERSATIONS

21 05 2017

XiDut
PRESIDENT DUTERTE and Chinese President Xi Jinping met in Beijing recently. Here’s the transcript of their conversations translated into Filipino.

Duterte: FYI Mr. President, mag-drill man kami ng oil sa exclusive economic zone namin sa West Philippine Sea.

Xi: Gusto n’yo war?

Duterte: Gusto namin oil.

Xi:

Duterte: Joke lang. Siyempre, ikaw ang masusunod.

* * * * *

Duterte: Mr. Xi, mag-drill kami ng oil sa exclusive economic zone namin sa West Philippine Sea.

Xi: Ako hindi payag.

Duterte: Pero sabi ng UN Convention on the Law of the Sea or UNCLOS, pwede kami mag-oil drilling.

Xi: Gusto mo war?

Duterte: War agad? Suggestion lang naman ‘yung drilling. Wala naman talaga akong plano.

* * * * *

Duterte: Mr. Xi, mag-drill kami ng oil sa exclusive economic zone namin sa West Philippine Sea.

Xi: Kung kayo drill oil doon, kami declare war.

Duterte: Sige. Pero sabi ni Associate Justice Carpio, pwede kaming magsumbong sa UN dahil sa banta mo.

Xi: Ahh, ganun? Sino ba paniwalaan mo: China o UN?

Duterte:

Xi:

Duterte: Pahamak ‘yang Carpio na ‘yan eh. ‘Di nag-iisip. Siyempre China!

* * * * *

Duterte: Mr. Xi, mag-drill kami ng oil sa sa West Philippine Sea.

Xi: Hindi kami payag. Kami declare war.

Duterte: Pero sabi ng UN, allowed kaming mag-explore doon.

Xi: Sandali. Magkano nga akin pautang Pilipinas?

Duterte: 167 billion dollars.

Xi: Pakiulit nga.

Duterte: Ang sabi ko… ‘di na kami magdi-drill ng oil sa West Philippine Sea!

Xi: ‘k. thx.

* * * * *

Duterte: Mr. Xi, ‘kita mo naman, tinanggihan ko na ang tulong ng European Union. Ako lang ang may lakas ng loob na gawin ‘yan.

Xi: Bakit ikaw tanggi?

Duterte: Kasi, may kondisyon ang tulong nila. Pati patayan sa bansa ko pinakikialaman. Ayaw ko ng kondisyon.

Xi: Di bale, kami China tulong inyo bansa: 167 billion dollars.

Duterte: Walang kondisyon?

Xi: Ikaw tanga talaga. Lahat tulong may kondisyon. EU, tulong, kondisyon; US tulong, kondisyon; Japan tulong, kondisyon; China, tulong

Duterte: Kondisyon.

Xi: ‘Yan, ganyan. Huwag tanga. Ok? Thx.
——————————————————————————————————————————–
“To be called a sovereign nation, a nation has to be able to control its own borders. It is controlling your own destiny in a way.”
~Tom Tancredo

Elsewhere
Randy David: Aid with no strings attached?
“The message we’ve been sending out to the world since Mr. Duterte took power almost a year ago is that we are prepared to junk the arbitral tribunal award we fought so hard to win in exchange for Chinese aid and investments.”

Sound Bites
“Sinabi ko talaga harap-harapan, that is ours and we intend to drill oil there. My view is I can drill the oil. Ang sagot sa akin, ‘Well we are friends. We don’t want to quarrel with you. We want to maintain warm relationship, but if you force the issue we will go to war.’ Ano pa bang sabihin ko?”
~President Duterte quoting Chinese President Xi Jinping

Sissy Rondina.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Xi/Duterte: Ng Han Guan, Reuters]





MEGA DEBT

16 05 2017

111dut
THE HOUSE justice committee junked the impeachment complaint filed against President Duterte for “lack of substance.” There was just no way it could prosper. If there was “substance,” it would have been murdered anyway.

China Visit
President Duterte had a productive meeting with Chinese President Xi Jinping in Beijing. China is going to lend the Duterte government 167-billion dollars or 8-trillion pesos for its infrastructure projects in the next six years. Xi has been heaping praises on Duterte for achieving its goals like China did – particularly, in terms of GDP, GNP, and human rights violations.

China Visit II
President Duterte met with Chinese President Xi Jinping in Beijing recently. Things got a bit awkward when Duterte described China as the country’s newest best friend and Xi responded by describing the Philippines as China’s newest province.

State Witness
Ombudsman Conchita Carpio Morales vows to block attempts to make alleged pork barrel scam queen Janet Lim-Napoles a state witness. As expected, the Ombudsman’s statement dismayed Napoles, her family, and the Department of Justice.

Down
In her first six months in office, Vice President Leni Robredo’s net worth dropped from 11 million pesos to 8.8 million pesos. She lost more than 2 million pesos. The disinformation campaign against Robredo is so effective even her own money is abandoning her.

111Cebu
Rich Kid
A Cebu City RTC judge allowed road rage shooting suspect David Lim Jr. to travel abroad for a week-long cruise with his family in the US and Canada. But before granting the suspect’s request to travel, the judge allegedly asked him, “Who are you travelling with?” “When do you intend to return?” and “Do you need my savings account number? Charot lang!”

Mocha Fan
On Facebook, MMDA general manager Tim Orbos defended Mocha Uson from critics who questioned her appointment as Presidential Communications Operations Office assistant secretary. “Ms Mocha is a patriot, always ready to lend a helping hand for genuine change for our country. She is also very much qualified for the job she was appointed to with her more than 4 M social media followers,” the MMDA chief said in a lengthy post he composed while stuck in a monstrous traffic jam on EDSA.

Mega-Emote
Have you been following Sharon Cuneta’s series of emotional (and oftentimes, cryptic) posts on Facebook and Instagram? She’s got so many issues, I am about to cancel my subscription.
111Sharon

Amid persistent rumors she and Sen. Kiko Pangilinan have separated, Megastar Sharon Cuneta, who is vacationing alone in the US, denied there was a “third party” – totally disappointing Ka-DDS, and BBM fanatics who thought they could blame it on the Liberal Party.
—————————————————————————————————————————–
“When you get in debt you become a slave.”
~Andrew Jackson

Sound Bites
“As [far as] the prosecution is concerned, she is one of the principal alleged malefactors. We don’t find her to be a candidate for being state witness.”
~Ombudsman Conchita Carpio Morales

Thank you.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte: GMA News; David Lim Jr.: ABSCBN News; Sharon Cuneta on Instagram]





EXCLUSIVE: MOCHA USON QUITS POST

10 05 2017

0mochangtanga
NEWLY SWORN-IN assistant secretary of the Presidential Communications Operations Office (PCOO) Mocha Uson has resigned. This, after thinking Filipinos hit the appointment of the Duterte propagandist and fake news promoter to a Cabinet-level post.

Here is a copy of Mocha Uson’s resignation letter submitted to the Office of the President:

May 9, 2017

HON. RODRIGO ROA DUTERTE
President, Philippines
Malacañyang Palace

Tatay Digong,

Nagpapasalamat po ako sa inyong tiwala sa akin. Nakakatuwang isipin na lumabas ang aking appointment paper ngayong May 9, 2017 – eksakto isang taon mula nang iboto namin kayo bilang PRESIDENTE ng ating bansa. Gusto ko pong maiyak. Grabe po ang pagbibigay n’yo ng importansya sa akin.

Pero katulad ng aking inaasahan, umatake na naman ang mga dilawan, ang mga yellowtard, ang mga Liberal, ang mayayabang na taga-UP at -Ateneo, ang bias at bayarang media pati na rin ang mga inggitero at inggitera. Hindi sila tumigil hangga’t hindi ako nagti-trend sa Twitter. Wala na silang ginawa kundi ako’y siraan. Sa totoo lang, wala akong hininging puwesto sa ‘yo Tatay Digong, alam mo po ‘yan. Ni singko ay wala po akong inasam kapalit ng pagtulong ko sa iyong mga programa.

Siguro ay nalimutan ng mga ‘yan ang pangako mo noong kampanya: ang magbigay ng trabaho sa maraming Pilipino. Pilipino din naman ako ‘di ba? Masama ba kung bigyan mo ako ng trabaho sa MTRCB? Masama ba kung bigyan mo ako ng trabaho sa PCOO? Tinutupad mo lang po ang pangako mo. Ikaw lang ang presidenteng tumupad sa pangako.

Ngunit sobra na po talaga ang mga dilawan at inggiterong ‘yan. Gagawin nila ang lahat upang ako ay mapabagsak. Tatay Digong, gusto kong magpakita ng pruweba ng pang-aapi nila sa akin. Narito ang ilang comments na nabasa ko sa Facebook:

0TweetBRGY
Kesyo inappoint ako… barangay hall agad? Si idol Manny nga nasa senado. So ano na lang ‘yun, barangay tanod outpost?

0TweetKulam
Wala pong kumukulam sa Pilipinas. Ramdam na ramdam lang talaga natin ngayon ang pagbabago.

0poteet
Hoy Poteet! Akala mo ba masasaktan ako sa mga sinabi mo? HINDI ‘NO! Loud lang ang naintindihan ko, tanga!

0mucha
Anong MUCHA? I’m sure nagkukunwari ka lang na kakampi at Ka-DDS pero dilawan ka talaga!

0shame
Tanga! Wrong spelling ka. Dapat ‘Such a shaim! Shaim Shaim!’

0talino
Anong “insulto sa katalinuhan ng bawat Pilipino?” Tanga ka ba! Kung matalino talaga kayo, eh ‘di wala kami sa puwesto hahahaha fucker!

0civil servi
Huwag mo naman akong i-judge. Hindi ko kailangan ang Civil Service para makapag-service! Sorry. I mean, makapag-serve!

0first lady
‘Wag kang magbiro ng ganyan. Ayaw ni Honeylet hihihihi

0nakakaluka
Snong luka-luka? Si Ma’am Gina? Puta ka. Wag ganun.

0magwawala
Sinong maysabi sa ‘yong haharapin ko sila? No way. Hindi ko sila ka-level! #bias #bayaran

And lastly,

0pepe

This is slut-shaiming. Anong kinalaman ng pepe ko sa paglilingkod ko sa bayan? Matapos kang mag-enjoy noon, ganyan pa ang igaganti mo ngayon? Wala kang utang na loob!

TATAY DIGONG, ilan lang po ‘yan sa mga dahilan kung bakit umabot ako sa mabigat na desisyong ito:

I resigns resigned resigning. Nagbibitiw na po ako sa puwesto.

Nadadamay po kayo sa mga batikos sa akin. Hindi ko na po kaya. Ako na po ang kusang aalis para matahimik na ang mga inggitero’t inggitera.

Pero hindi naman po irrevokeable irrevocabogable irrevoiceable hindi naman po final ang resignation ko. Puwede pa po n’yo akong pigilang umalis. Please po. Try n’yo lang.

Sa mga Ka-DDS, salamat sa walang sawa n’yong suporta. Huwag po kayong bibitiw. Suportahan po natin ang pagbabago sa ilalim ng gobyerno ni Tatay Digong. Limang taon pa po tayong magsasama-sama. At kung susuwertehin, baka higit pa. Kapit lang.

Mabuhay si Tatay Digong. Mabuhay ang mahal nating Pilipinas!

#mamataykayosainggitdilawan
#AkoNaTalaga!
#obosen
#ImpeachLeni
#BiasMedia
#JaDineWalangProject
#IBeIieveICanFly

At your service,

MOCHA USON
Civil Service Exam Grade: 263%
———————————————————————————————————————————
“Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters.”
~Albert Einstein

0napoes
Napoles
Just months after President Duterte expressed support for Solicitor General Jose Calida’s efforts to acquit Janet Lim Napoles, the Court of Appeals cleared the pork barrel queen in her serious illegal detention case. With Calida backing her, Napoles is reportedly firing the lawyers in her plunder case citing “duplication.”

RIP Imelda
Lani Mercado erroneously tweeted Monday former first lady Imelda Marcos had died. Mercado claimed she got the info from a “news break message.” Apparently, she was a victim of fake news. To prevent something like this from happening again, Mercado’s children advised her to unfollow Mocha Uson on Facebook.

My friends who were working that day didn’t see Lani Mercado’s original tweet. They’d rather focus on their job than talk about the “death” of Imelda Marcos. Business before pleasure.

Sound Bites
“The Philippines is facing a growing chorus of international concern at the human cost of President Duterte’s murderous ‘war on drugs.’ The government’s denial and deflection of criticism shows it has no intention of complying with its international obligations.”
~John Fisher, Geneva director at Human Rights Watch

Exactly.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Mocha Uson: ABSCBN News; Janet Napoles: Inquirer.net]





DELUSIONAL & UNFIT

6 05 2017

1Lopez
THE COMMISSION on Appointments or CA rejected the appointment of controversial Environment Secretary Gina Lopez. The figures were not even close. It was 8 for Gina Lopez and 16 million for CA members.

Lobby Money
Reacting to the CA’s rejection of the appointment of Gina Lopez, President Duterte said, “lobby money talks.” CA member Panfilo Lacson who rejected Lopez’s appointment said, Duterte’s remark was “a sweeping assault on the CA members’ integrity. What lobby money?” Gina Lopez supporters replied, “What integrity?”

Unfit
Lawmakers who rejected the appointment of Gina Lopez to the DENR described her as “unfit” and “acting as if she were above the law.” To be fair to Gina Lopez, she’s just taking her cue from the President.

0gIANsOTTO
“Na-ano Lang”
People are still talking about Tito Sotto’s “Na-ano lang” comment during the confirmation hearing for DSWD Sec. Judy Taguiwalo. On Instagram, Gian Sotto defended his father saying, “Alam ng Diyos kung ano ang nasa puso ng tatay ko.” To which, God reacted, “Actually, no. I don’t.”

A confident Gian Sotto added, “Alam kong malalampasan namin ito dahil kasama namin ang Diyos.” And Satan was like, “Be fair! Give credit where credit is due. Please lang!”

Delusional
A fish vendor died last weekend when the New People’s Army attacked several facilities of the Lapanday Foods Corporation in Davao City. A fuming Mayor Sara Duterte hit the Communist rebels saying they’re “delusional” and “living in an alternate universe.” In response, the NPA said, “Wrong! We’re not living in an alternate universe.”

Delusional II
According to Davao City Mayor Sara Duterte, Communist rebels are “delusional people” who live in an “alternate universe.” The statement has fueled speculations the NPA rebels are on fentanyl, too.

Monsters
In a strongly worded statement, Inday Sara Duterte said the attacks of the New People’s Amy “should always remind us of the twistedness of an ideology and the monsters behind it, how they employ fear and terror in their attempt to cloak their insignificance and the obsolescence of their political belief.” The statement was titled, ‘Note to Dad.’

1BruceRiveraYout
No Endorser
Last May 2, Duterte fanatic and ‘Impeach Leni Movement’ leader Bruce Rivera claimed the impeachment complaint they drafted against the vice president was “received” by a congressman whose name was mentioned in the document. But the solon, identified later as PBA Party-list Rep. Jericho Nograles, immediately disowned the complaint and denied knowing anything about it. It was a bad day for Bruce Rivera and his cohorts. In totally unrelated news… that same day, the Senate approved the Mental Health Care Act.

New Words
More than 300 words have been added to online database Dictionary.com and Oxforddictionaries.com. Some of the words added in 2017 were ‘cheat day,’ ‘sausage party,’ and ‘sext.’ It’s easy to find these new entries online because beside each word, there’s an image of Kiefer Ravena.
—————————————————————————————————————————————-
“In reality, everybody in Congress is a stand-in for some kind of lobbyist. In many cases it’s difficult to tell whether it’s the companies that are lobbying the legislators or whether it’s the other way around.”
~Matt Taibbi, American author and journalist

#QUIZtion
Fact: Infamous lawyer, Bruce Rivera, the former legal counsel of pork barrel queen Janet Lim-Napoles once joined this contest on ‘Eat Bulaga.’ Was it…
A: Mr. Pogi
B: Super Sireyna
C: Pinoy Henyo
D: Doble Kara
See answer below

Sound Bites
“Badly thought-out, ill-conceived drug policies not only fail to address substantively drug dependency, drug-related criminality, and the drug trade, they add more problems, as has been well documented, around the world.”
~Agnes Callamard, United Nations Special Rapporteur on Extrajudicial, Summary, or Arbitrary Executions

(Un)Sound Bites
“Mga trolls lang [ang] nagpapalaki n’yan. Perhaps…these are just people who are not my fans so to speak. Baka mga talagang pakontra lang sa akin yan, kahit anong makita sa akin pangontra na. Madali naman ‘yun kung hindi natin mamasamain. Pero kung minasama nila, humihingi ako ng paumanhin.”
~Tito Sotto

Fault pa naming lahat?! Genius ka talaga.

Answer to #QUIZtion:
B: Super Sireyna.
Source: GMA News

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Gina Lopez: Manila Bulletin; Gian Sotto Instagram; Bruce Rivera YouTube]





“NA-ANO LANG”

4 05 2017

HERE IS THE FULL TEXT OF TITO SOTTO’S APOLOGY.

ATITOSOTTO

Mga minamahal kong kababayan,

For the last 48 hours, the issue of the “Na-ano lang” comment has spun out of control. Tonight, I want to set the record straight. You deserve an explanation from me, because you are the people I was elected to serve.

As you recall, the confirmation hearing was unnecessarily dull even with comedians in the committee including yours truly, Manny Pacquiao and several others.

I was anxious to keep the energy in the room and during that time had conversations with many people, including DSWD Sec. Judy Taguiwalo. My intent was not to humiliate the Secretary, and it did not.

That said, let me tell you how I personally feel. I recognize that making such joke was a lapse in judgment. I AM SORRY. I take full responsibility for my actions and to you and to all those good citizens who may have had their faith shaken by these events. I want to assure you that I have redoubled my efforts to serve the nation and earn your trust.

Nagagambala ako. Maliwanag na may kakulangan sa wastong pagpapasya ang nangyaring pagbibitiw ng joke. Pinagsisisihan ko ito nang lubos. Pinananagutan ko nang lubusan ang aking ginawa, at humihingi ako ng tawad kay Secretary Taguiwalo, sa inyo, sa lahat ng mga butihing mamamayan na nabawasan ng tiwala dahil sa mga pangyayaring ito. Ibig kong tiyakin sa inyo na lalo pa akong magsisikap upang maglingkod sa bayan at matamo ang inyong tiwala.

As my late father told me, “Do what is right, do your best and let God take care of the rest.”.

That is why I want to close this chapter and move on with the business of governing. I ask each and everyone of you to join hands with me in a show of unity, to help forge one Philippines, where everyone is equal under the law, and everybody has the opportunity to use their God-given talents to make a better life.

God bless the Philippines!
—————————————————————————————————————————————–
“I’ve learned two things the hard way: You can’t fix stupid and you shouldn’t use up your patience to fix stupid.”
~Karen A. Baquiran

ATITOSOTTO2
Sound Bites
“[You have] Two daughters? But you are single. In the street language, when you have children and you are single, ang tawag lang ay na-ano lang.”
~Tito Sotto to DSWD Sec. Judy Taguiwalo

No. We don’t describe single moms as “na-ano lang.” So, fuck you.

Sound Bites II
“’Di ba ‘yun ang biruan sa kalsada. Kung minasama nila, eh ‘di I’m sorry, I apologize. They don’t understand the joke.”
~Tito Sotto on his “Na-ano lang” comment

Fuck you some more.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Inquirer.Net]





13 REASONS WHY (THE SECRET JAIL CELL)

29 04 2017

THE COMMISSION on Human Rights (CHR) discovered a secret jail cell inside the Manila Police District Station 1 in Tondo district. At least 12 drug suspects were found locked up behind a bookshelf. Some have not been charged and the arrests made have no record (blotter). But in a move that was hardly surprising, PNP Chief Ronald ‘Bato’ De La Rosa blasted the CHR, questioned the “timing” of the surprise inspection, and defended the relieved cops saying, “Ang pulis ko walang ginawang kalokohan.”

000InquirerJailCell

General Bato gave 13 Reasons Why:

No. 1: Alam n’yo bang we promote indigenous games sa mga kulungan sa bansa? Nang araw na dumating ang CHR for the surprise inspection, naglalaro ng taguan ang mga suspek. In short, taken out of context ang na-discover na alleged secret jail cell. Hindi nakakulong ang mga suspek doon; nagtatago sila para ‘di mahuli ng taya.

No. 2: Mahilig magbasa ng libro ang mga suspek. Gusto nila ng tahimik na lugar kaya mas pinili nilang ikulong sa maliit na area behind the bookshelf. Kailan pa naging form of abuse ang pagbabasa?

No. 3: Takot sa dengue at malaria ang mga ‘yan. Masyado kasing malamok sa regular cell. Eh sa loob ng sikretong selda, ultimo lamok, hindi gugustuhing pumasok. Health is wealth kaya tama ang choice of jail cell nila.

No. 4: Lagi kasing may media rito. Camera shy ang mga ‘yan. Ikaw ba, gusto mo bang makita ang mukha mo sa TV o diyaryo habang nasa loob ng kulungan? Siyempre hindi. As much as possible, puprotektahan mo ang iyong image. At iginagalang namin ang right to privacy nila.

No. 5: Gusto naming maging friendly at malapit sa isa’t isa ang mga hinuhuli namin para iwas-away. That’s why, we conduct bonding sessions para mas makilala pa ng mga kriminal ang kapwa nila kriminal. Ang alleged jail cell ay hindi kulungan kundi “bonding area.”

No. 6: Ayon sa isang cosmetic dermatologist: “Sweat purges the body of toxins that can clog pores and plague the skin with pimples and blemishes.” Beauty conscious ang labindalawang suspek na nakita ng CHR sa likod ng bookshelf. Gusto nilang magpapawis pero ‘di naman sila pwedeng magpunta sa sauna kaya doon na lang sila sumiksik. Voluntary ‘yun; hindi sila pinuwersa.

000JeckJailCell
No. 7: Kinukuwestyon ng CHR ang kawalan ng record o blotter ng mga hinuling suspek. FYI lang: sila mismo ang nakiusap na ‘wag na silang i-blotter dahil magkaka-bad record daw sila. Paano nga naman sila matatanggap sa trabaho kung may masamang record? Common sense naman, media. Common sense.

No. 8: Sa pagkakaalam ko, gustong sumali sa Survivor Philippines ng mga suspek na nakita ng CHR. In fact, pinagbigyan lang namin silang gamitin ang likod ng bookshelf. Hindi na nga kami naningil ng rental fee eh. Tama ang narinig n’yo sa balita: doon na sila umiihi, doon na sila tumatae, at doon na sila dumudura. Lahat ng ‘yan, part ng survival training.

No. 9: Nire-recognize ng kapulisan ang pangangailangang sekswal ng mga hinuli. Hindi porke’t suspek ang mga ‘yan, pagkakaitan na namin sila ng karapatang lumigaya. Sa madaling salita, ang alleged secret jail cell na ‘yan ay hindi kulungan kundi parausan.

No. 10: Ang totoo: walang bahay ang mga suspek na ‘yan. Sumuko silang lahat para may matulugan. Kusang-loob silang nagtungo sa istasyon ng pulis at nakiusap na sila’y kupkupin. Nakakadismaya lang! Nag-provide na nga tayo ng shelter, tayo pa ang masama? Bakit naman ganyan kayo sa aking mga tao? Unfair eh.

No. 11: Dito sa Tondo, grabe ang network war. Personalan ang laban ng mga Kapuso at Kapamilya. Patayan kung patayan! So ang nakita naming solusyon, paghiwalayin sila; sa regular cell ang mga Kapuso, sa likod ng bookshelf naman ang mga Kapamilya kasi nga hate ni Tatay Digong ‘yang ABS-CBN.

No. 12: Sabi nga ni Station 1 Commander Robert Domingo, mina-maximize lang natin ang espasyo. Sayang naman kasi kung hindi natin gagamitin ang space sa likod ng bookshelf; baka dagain lang ‘yan. Also, to quote the 1979 movie ‘Alien,’ — “In space, no one can hear you scream. #charot”

No. 13: And lastly, fake news again! Walang secret jail cell! Walang itinatagong suspek! Walang pang-aabuso! Walang paglabag sa batas! Natakpan lang ng bookshelf, secret cell agad?!? Fake news! Bias media! Bayaran! Dilawan! ‘Tang ina n’yo! Mamatay na kayong lahat!
—————————————————————————————————————————————————
“The police have lost sight of the fact that they are public servants.”
~Steven Magee

Sound Bites
“We express our gratitude to the CHR for taking time to inspect the detention cells of our stations so that they’re able to see the real condition of these facilities.”
~NCR Police Office director, Chief Supt. Oscar Albayalde

“At sabi ko nga sa CHR, ‘Hindi ba kayo happy na the 12 of them are lahat buhay? Hindi naman sila lumaban.”
~Manila Station 1 Commander Robert Domingo

Ulol.

Elsewhere
Inside secret cell: ‘You’re like pigs’
“It’s in that garbage dump that these detainees dispose of their feces and urine. So technically, they sleep beside their excrement.”

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Jail Cell: Raffy Lerma/Inquirer.net; Bato: @jeck_batallones]





AWARD!

24 04 2017

MANILA MAYOR Joseph Estrada celebrated his 80th birthday recently at the Manila Hotel. In attendance were the who’s who of Philippine politics like President Duterte, former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo and husband Mike, former vice president Jejomar Binay, detained ex-senator Jinggoy Estrada, former senator Juan Ponce Enrile, Bongbong Marcos, and Imelda Marcos. When Satan saw this group photo, he said, “Uwian na bes. Nanalo na ako.”

01DELIVERUSfromEvil

Most Influential
Duterte fanatics are livid. The President topped TIME’s online poll for its annual most influential people list but the TIME 100 write up written by former Colombian president Cesar Gaviria was critical of the government’s war on drugs. Fanatics are appealing to their fellow Ka-DDS to boycott TIME – a news magazine which, they neither read nor buy to begin with.

01TIME2

It’s TIME
Palace Spokesman Ernesto Abella: Sir, kasama po kayo sa online survey ng TIME.

President Duterte: Sus! ‘Di ako naniniwala sa survey-survey na ‘yan.

Abella: Sir, grabe ang support ng mga Ka-DDS, nangunguna kayo.

Duterte: Sus! Thank you na lang.

Abella: Sir, nanalo na kayo! Kayo ang No. 1!

Duterte: Congrats sa ating lahat. Sabihin mo sa mga tao natin, maraming salamat.

Abella: Sir, kalalabas lang: negative ang write up ng TIME.

Duterte: Put*ng ina kasi. ‘Di ba sabi ko, hindi dapat pinaniniwalaan ang mga survey na ‘yan? Ang kulit n’yo eh. ‘Tang ina.

It’s Time II
Abella: Sir, panalo kayo sa TIME 100 online poll.

Duterte: Ano ‘yon?

Abella: Most influential people in the world. Ibinoto kayo ng mga Ka-DDS.

Duterte: Wow. Sinu-sino bang kasama ko doon?

Abella: Nandun sina Pope Francis, Theresa May, Elizabeth Warren, Vladimir Putin, Melinda Gates…

Duterte: Eh ‘di ok.

Abella: ‘Tsaka si Senator De Lima, sir.

Duterte: PUTANG INA! ILANG BESES KO BA SASABIHING HINDI AKO BILIB SA MGA ONLINE SURVEY NA ‘YAN?!? MAHIRAP BANG INTINDIHIN ‘YUN!?!

01Oblation
Honoris Causa
Amid protests from UP students, faculty and alumni, President Duterte declined the offer of the State University’s Board of Regents (BOR) to confer him the Doctor of Laws degree, honoris causa. Records show the honorary degree for Duterte was proposed by UP President Danny Concepcion. The motion was seconded by Regents Angelo Jimenez and Frederick Farolan, both Duterte appointees in the BOR. Despite Duterte’s rejection of the honorary degree, Malacañang assured Farolan and Jimenez there are other ways to win Order of Lapu-Lapu (award) from the President in the future.

Honoris Causa II
Abella: Sir, may offer na honorary degree ang UP.

Duterte: Anong kailangang gawin?

Abella: A-attend ka lang sa graduation nila.

Duterte: ‘Yun lang?

Abella: Yes sir.

Duterte: Sige. Kailan ‘yan?

Abella: Sanga pala sir, maraming bumabatikos sa offer na honorary degree. ‘Di raw kayo deserving dahil sa human rights record n’yo. June 25 nga pala ‘yung graduation.

Duterte: JUNE 25?!? EH ANO NGAYON?! ‘DI BA SABI KO, HINDI AKO TUMATANGGAP NG AWARD-AWARD NA ‘YAN? BAKIT KA UMOO?

Abella:

Honoris Causa III
Abella: Sir, may offer na honorary degree ang UP.

Duterte: Hindi ako tumatanggap ng kahit anong award. As a matter of personal and official policy, I do not accept awards.

Abella: Pero sir, ‘di ba tinanggap n’yo ‘yung ‘Man of the Year Award’ last February from the Manila Times ‘tsaka ‘yung Knight Grand Cross award mula sa Knights of Rizal? Nasa report ng Rappler.

Duterte: Gagu! Sino bang paniwalaan mo: ako o ‘yung fake news ng Rappler?

Abella: Eh sir, nandun ako nang tanggapin n’yo ‘yung dalawang award eh.

Duterte: Gusto mong ikaw ang awardan ko?

Abella: Tama sir ang desisyon n’yo. Say no to UP!

VP’s Birthday
Last April 23, Vice President Leni Robredo quietly spent her 52nd birthday at home with her family. Mocha Uson and Bruce Rivera are still figuring out which part of the celebration is an impeachable offense.
_________________________________________________________________________________
“You should not honor men more than truth.”
~Plato

Sound Bites
“With due respect to the University of the Philippines, I do not accept even when I was mayor. As a matter of personal and official policy, I do not accept awards. I simply decline. Kasi hindi ako tumtanggap, ever since.”
~President Duterte

‘k.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Erap Party: CTTO; Oblation: Inquirer.Net]





(ISANG) ORDER OF LAPU-LAPU

17 04 2017

000EzraAcayan.jpg
CONGRATULATIONS to President Duterte for topping the TIME readers’ poll of the “most influential” people in the world this year. The magazine was quick to clarify however, those who voted for Duterte were not actually TIME readers but TIME bashers. Still, congratulations!

Kris
Congratulations also to Kris Aquino for landing an acting project in Hollywood. Unconfirmed reports say she is set to do the remake of the hit comedy from the year 2000 starring Ashton Kutcher and Seann William Scott. The movie’s working title is “Dude, Where’s My Career?”

Order of Lapu-Lapu
President Duterte recently announced the creation of the Order of Lapu-Lapu, an award for anyone who will render “invaluable or extraordinary service to a campaign or advocacy of the President.” In short, ‘asslickers.’

Order of Lapu-Lapu II
When asked why he decided to name the award ‘Order of Lapu-Lapu,’ President Duterte said, “Masyadong susyal kung ‘Order of Stonefish.’”

1Fntnyl000EO1
Distrust
Vice President Leni Robredo recorded the highest distrust rating among the top national officials, the latest Pulse Asia survey showed. In totally unrelated news, Malacañang will confer the Order of Lapu-Lapu on Mocha Uson and Duterte’s keyboard warriors.

Distrust II
According to the latest Pulse Asia survey, the number of Filipinos who distrust Vice President Leni Robredo is higher than those who distrust self-confessed two-timer, death penalty advocate and traditional politician Pantaleon Alvarez. Meanwhile, another Pulse Asia survey revealed Leni Robredo has the worst PR team.

Protest Fee
Less than 24 hours after the Supreme Court ordered Bongbong Marcos to pay the election protest fee of 66.2-million pesos (either in full or installment basis), the defeated vice presidential candidate immediately paid 36 million pesos. In the words of Imelda Marcos, “Maliit na bagay.”

000EO1
Junket
Duterte fanatic and sex blogger Mocha Uson as well as controversial ex-jueteng bagman, and defeated senatorial candidate Sandra Cam joined President Duterte in his recent visit to the Middle East. The delegation has returned the other day. Uson and Cam can’t wait for the next junket with the President. Let’s hope the universe cooperates and those two get booked on a United Airlines flight.
______________________________________________________________________________________
“I get so tired listening to ‘One million dollars here; one million dollars there.’ It’s so petty.”
~Imelda Marcos

Sound Bites
“Indeed Filipinos find in the President a kindred spirit – a leader who acts for the common good,
~Palace spokesman Ernesto Abella on Duterte’s topping the TIME online poll

“Well, I don’t need to tell you what I did because I’m not that kind of person.”
~Sandra Cam when asked how was she helping the OFWs

#DontUs

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Ezra Acayan/Reuters :Duterte]





EXCLUSIVE: DUTERTE’S LENTEN MESSAGE

9 04 2017

1lent2

Mensahe
ng
Kagalang-galang Rodrigo R. Duterte
Pangulo ng Pilipinas
Sa sambayanang Pilipino
Ukol sa Mahal na Araw
[Ika-9 ng Abril 2017]

Ngayong panahon ng Kuwaresma, p*tang i*a, ang init! Namawis man ang kilikili ko. Pasensya na. Bakit? Sino ba sa inyo ang hindi nainitan? Lakasan mo nga ang aircon.

Ituloy ko na ang statement ko. Ngayong panahon ng Kuwaresma, ginugunita natin ang buhay at pagpapakasakit ni Hesukristo. Ikaw ba naman ang hampasin at ipako, siyempre, masaktan ka talaga.

Bilang mga tagasunod ni Hesus, nararapat lamang na gamitin nating inspirasyon ang kanyang buhay. Madami ding followers itong si Hesus, ‘no? Siguro, kung nag-Facebook man siya noon, trinding siya lagi. Kabahan man si Muka.

Bilang isang bansa, marami na tayong napatunayan sa landas ng pagkakaisa, pagkakawanggawa, at pagmamalasakit sa kapwa. Sino bang sumulat ng statement na ito? Ang haba man ng words. Laktawan ko na ang iba.

Marami na akong nabigyan ng trabaho. ‘Yung mga walang ginagawang artista, nailagay ko na sa pwisto sa gobyerno. Tuwang-tuwa ang mga gago. Wala namang civil service eligibility, yawa!

At dahil ayaw natin sa kurapsyon, marami na rin akong sinibak. Tapos sasabihin ng mga gagong media, “Eh sino bang nag-appoint – ‘di ba ikaw din?” Putang ina! Siyempre ako. Ako ang prisidinti eh. Eh ‘di ako. ‘Tang ina n’yo, gago!

Ituloy ko na ang statement ko.

Si Hudas ay nagtaksil kay Hesus. Gago! Parang ‘yung isa d’yan. Nagpunta pa sa UN para magsumbong. Ulol! Eh ‘di magsumbong ka! Alis na lang tayo sa UN. Ikaw na lang mag-isa ang mag-miyimbro – ‘tang ina.

Si Hesus ay inaresto at iniharap kay Pilato. Sabi sa Bible, trial daw. Gago! Walang trial, trial dun. Tinanong lang ni Pilato ang taumbayan, tapos, sentensyado na. Death penalty agad. Kaya sa mga ayaw sa death penalty, tama si Manny, nasa Bible ‘yun.

Matapos ipako at mamatay sa krus si Hesus, umiyak ang kanyang inang si Maria at iba pang kamag-anak. ‘Kita n’yo na? Nanahimik man sila kahit pinatay ang relative nila. Dito, isisi man lahat sa akin ng media. Gago! Wala ngang reklamo ang kamag-anak, tapos kayong media nagrereklamo ng EJK, EJK. ‘Tang ina n’yo. EJK n’yo mukha n’yo. Ulol!

Sino bang sumulat ng statement na ito? Masyadong mahaba. Ayaw ko nang ituloy.

Basta ngayong Holy Week, tuloy ang laban sa druga. Huwag kayong maniwala sa tsismis na kaya lumilindul eh galit sa akin ang Panginoon. Ulol! Gusto ng Diyos na patayin ang mga adik at pusher kaya lumilindul.

Ako ang paniwalaan n’yo. Huwag ang media. Tang ina nila. Hangga’t buhay ako, puprotektahan ko kayo sa adik at pusher. Isama na rin ninyo ang lindul. Ipa-tokhang ko man ang lindul.

‘Tang ina.

-END-

1lent
THE CHRISTIAN tradition of Lent culminates this Holy Week. It’s the season of betrayal, abandonment, pain and suffering. Or as that’s also called, “the past eight months.”

Many Christians have given up something for Lent: junk food, smoking, infidelity, alcohol, etc. You know, the bad things. In fact, many thinking Filipinos are ‘giving up’ this administration.

In different parts of the country, expect to see senakulo – a play depicting the life and sufferings of Jesus. Manny Pacquiao and our congressmen will surely enjoy that moment when Jesus is sentenced to death.

President Duterte is invited to attend the senakulo organized by PNP Chief Bato De La Rosa. In the modern version of the play, Jesus suffered, and was later, killed inside Camp Crame.

1lent2
Also in that play, relatives of ‘Jesus’ easily identified his lifeless body. There was a cardboard sign that reads, “Nagmamagaling ako. Huwag tularan.”

On Facebook, a furious Mocha Uson lambasted the organizers of a senakulo for rejecting her during the auditions. Apparently, she wanted to play the role of the Virgin – her lifelong dream.

To fulfill her dream, Mocha Uson and her Ka-DDS friends, Jimmy Bondoc, Arnell Ignacio, Kat De Castro and Vivian Velez produced their own stage play. In their version of the senakulo, the fanatics crucified Leni Robredo.
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“All spiritual practices are illusions created by illusionists to escape illusion.”
~Ram Dass

Sound Bites
“You know, you’re just a f—ing employee, why don’t you have a heart for the poor? You know you are so young and you’re already bought by the greed and selfishness. I don’t like it.”
~DENR Sec. Gina Lopez to BusinessWorld reporter Janina Lim

Have a safe week! Enjoy your vacation!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: Inquirer.net]








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