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IMELDA, ‘ANG PROBINSYANO,’ AND POWER NAPS

19 11 2018

Originally published by the Philippine Daily Inquirer on Nov. 18, 2018.

Imelda

A NEW research published in the journal, Pediatrics revealed that most babies (57 percent) do not sleep through the night. That explains why President Duterte missed those events at the ASEAN Summit.

Last Wednesday, President Duterte skipped several events at the 33rd ASEAN Summit in Singapore. His spokesman said he “took power naps.” To be fair, Duterte’s absence in those events was the country’s brightest moment during the five-day summit.

______________________

Imelda Marcos has been found guilty of seven counts of graft. But the former First Lady is still running for governor of Ilocos Norte next year because she “wants to serve” her constituents. She can actually do something even better: serve her prison term.

Mrs. Marcos failed to attend the promulgation of the guilty verdict saying she was “suffering from multiple organ infirmities.” Even her organs are sick of her.

Mrs. Marcos skipped the promulgation because she was reportedly sick that day – although she partied that same night. Then on Friday, she claimed she didn’t know about the promulgation at all. Do you remember the saying, “Ang sinungaling ay kapatid ng magnanakaw?” In some cases, “Ang sinungaling at magnanakaw ay iisa lang.”

______________________

Last Friday, the Sandiganbayan allowed Imelda Marcos to post P150,000 bail for her provisional liberty – giving her yet another reason to party.

______________________

Imelda is already 89 years old. According to a medical certificate from the St. Luke’s Medical Center, she has seven ailments. And yet, she’s still very strong and full of life. Some say it’s stem cell. Others believe it’s formalin.

______________________

The former First Lady has yet to release an official statement on the Court’s ruling. But some sympathizers have expressed their support for her like Quezon 3rd District Rep. Danilo Suarez, Sen. Cynthia Villar, and the Philippine National Police.

______________________

PNP chief Director General Oscar Albayalde got flak for making comments on the impending arrest of Mrs. Marcos. Albayalde said, “Baka magalit sa atin, matanda na. May edad na kasi.” Thank you Sir for letting us know who was being referred to in the PNP motto, “To serve and protect.”

______________________

The PNP chief gave us the impression it would be difficult to arrest Imelda because of health, age, and the fact that her last name is neither De Lima nor Trillanes.

______________________

Amid the barrage of criticisms being hurled against him on the Imelda Marcos issue, PNP chief Oscar Albayalde complained about ‘Ang Probinsyano,’ the most popular primetime series today. The distraction worked. We all fell for it. Congratulations!

______________________

The PNP chief scored the negative depiction of policemen in the primetime series. Albayalde said the portrayal is unfair to the police force. “I so agree,” said Imelda Marcos.

PNP chief Oscar Albayalde insists the inaccurate depiction of cops in the primetime series gives a bad impression of police officers. Albayalde should be thankful. The impression would have been a lot worse if the depiction was truly accurate.

______________________

Former Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay claimed he was cheated in the 2016 presidential elections. (No need for a punchline.)
_____________________________________________________________________________________
“It is the common people’s duty to police the police.”
~Steven Magee

Sound Bites
“Itong Australyano di ko maintindihan. Ang invitation eh ‘informal’ breakfast…Unang una hindi ako kumakain ng breakfast… Pangalawa, informal. Ano ipakakain nila sa atin? Kangaroo?”
~Rodrigo Duterte on skipping the ASEAN-Australia informal breakfast

Nope, they won’t serve you kangaroo. They’ll offer you rabies vaccine.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever8

[Photos: Duterte: South China Morning Post; Ang Probinsyano: PhilStar; Imelda Marcos: Associated Press]

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SANTO RODRIGO

6 11 2018

This article was first published in the Opinion Section of the Philippine Daily Inquirer last Nov. 4.

IN HIS All Saints’ Day and All Souls’ Day message, President Duterte urged Filipinos to “emulate our saints” and help in “alleviating the suffering of others.” To which, Filipinos replied, “You first.”

Less than 24 hours after the release of his All Saints’ Day message, the President mocked the Filipinos’ observance of Undas calling saints “fools” and “drunkards.” He then suggested, “Get hold of a picture of mine, place that in the altar, Santo Rodrigo.” His Ka-DDS supporters were shocked. They said, “He is not a saint! He is our god! No to demotion!”

A Manila policeman attending a Halloween party was allegedly caught snorting cocaine in the restroom of a high-end bar in Taguig City. During questioning, the suspect couldn’t give clear answers and was talking utter nonsense prompting one officer to yell, “Stop acting like the president!”

President Duterte sent flowers to the tomb of Ninoy and Cory Aquino at the Manila Memorial Park on All Saints’ Day. Thankful, the Aquinos couldn’t wait to return the gesture.

Militarization?
President Duterte has ordered a military takeover of the Bureau of Customs (BOC). When he heard the news, Paolo Duterte said, “Challenge accepted.”

Another retired military general, Rey Leonardo Guerrero has been appointed commissioner of the Bureau of Customs. His term officially started last Oct. 30 and will end until the next shabu shipment slips past the BOC.

Reports say President Duterte has full trust in Commissioner Guerrero’s capabilities. In fact, this early, he’s sure of where to transfer Guerrero when he gets fired as Customs chief.

The President justified his appointment of military men in government saying they were the ones who delivered. That’s actually true. Under the watch of former Customs Commissioners Isidro Lapeña and Nicanor Faeldon, some P20-B shabu shipment were delivered.

Bets
According to President Duterte, he will campaign next year for candidates who are “honest” and who are “not corrupt.” Imee Marcos and Jinggoy Estrada are hoping it’s just another Duterte joke.

New Low
From 113th last year, the Philippines’ ranking fell to 124th this year in World Bank’s Ease of Doing Business. The Department of Trade refuses to accept that. You know who else disagrees? Drug smugglers.

Solution
To address the soaring inflation, President Duterte has signed an executive order (EO) that will supervise and coordinate a barter trade in Mindanao. Duterte’s EO took effect last 6000

Trolls
Facebook has taken down several pro-Duterte Facebook pages due to violations of policies. Mark Zuckerberg has since apologized to Duterte supporters for loss of extra income.

Duterte II
Brazil has elected far-right candidate Jair Bolsonaro as president. Political analysts describe Bolsonaro as the Rodrigo Duterte of Latin America. He is a populist, a misogynist, and an advocate of violence and extrajudicial killings. Bolsonaro has denied though his eldest son is a drug smuggler.

Happy Birthday
Star for All Seasons and Batangas 6th District Representative Vilma Santos celebrated her 65th birthday last Saturday, November 3. Ate Vi thanked everyone online who sent her video greetings except for Cesar Montano.
____________________________________________________________________________________
“Every day he woke to the desire to take the world by the throat, and choke it.”
~Mary Butts

Sound Bites
“The Bureau of Customs under military control is (1) a patent violation of the civilian supremacy clause of the Constitution & civil service rules; (2) an obvious attempt to undermine the integrity of the military by placing its officers in positions where they may be corrupted.”
~Former Solicitor General Florin Hilbay

Twitter: @HecklerForever8





#RIP – PREDICTED EPITAPHS OF LOCAL POLITICAL FIGURES

31 10 2018

IN OBSERVANCE of All Saints Day, here are the predicted epitaphs of famous political figures in the Philippines.

1. You’ve been warned.

1RIP Duterte

2. FYI: Death can be revoked.

2Trillanes

3. The girl who cried wolf

3Mocha Uson

4. Maang-maangan School of Acting

6Imee

5. Time has come.

5Mar

6. He died happy.

7Bong Go

7. A quiet place

8Alan Peter

8. He cannot move on.

4Bongbong

9. Transferred.

11Lapena

10. The boy with the dragon tattoo

13 pULONG

11. The fugitive presidential kumpare

17 pETER lIM

12. The Government Contractor

14 cALIDA

13. How did he die?

9Sotto

14. Ms. Senate Inquiry

10gRace Poe

15. A hard habit to break

18 lITO APID

16. Wish granted!

15 hARRY rOQUE

17. The (fake) doctor is in.

16 pERSIDA

18. Most Obedient

20 rAMON

19. Just Google the verse.

19 iMELDA

20. She just gave up.

12kRIS

21. Indeed!

21 eNRILE

22. An inconvenient truth.

22pIA

—————————————————————————————–
“Cowards die many times before their deaths; the valiant never taste of death but once.”
~William Shakespeare

1
Sound Bites
“Observers have compared Bolsonaro to U.S. President Donald Trump — both love stirring up controversy on social media and have harnessed populist sentiment, promising to clear their respective governments of corrupt political elites. But his approval of violence and extrajudicial killings makes him closer to the Philippines’ Rodrigo Duterte than to Trump.”
~Fortune on Brazil’s newly-elected leader

We feel you, thinking Brazilians.

I still am on Twitter: @HecklerForever8.

[Photos: Reuters / Gravestone Maker]





UNAIRED INTERVIEW: VICE GANDA GRILLS SOLICITOR GENERAL JOSE CALIDA

24 10 2018

00000VG

Welcome po sa GGV, Mr. Solicitor General!

Isang malaking karangalan ang mag-guest dito. Maraming salamat sa pag-invite mo sa akin, Vice.

Actually, office ho n’yo ang nakiusap sa management na i-guest kayo dito.

Hehehe Palabiro ka talaga Vice.

Hindi po ako nagbibiro. ‘Yun ang sabi ng boss namin.

Baka isipin nila totoo ang sinasabi mo.

Totoo ho ‘yon. May letter pa nga ho kayo.

Sige, sige… para matigil ka na lang, let’s pretend na staff ko nga ang nakiusap. Para tapos na.

Naku Sir. Let’s not pretend. Kasi kayo ho talaga ang sumulat. Pirmado n’yo ang letter of request. Ang kulit!

Kaya ikaw ang number 1 comedian ngayon eh. Magaling kang magbiro.

Magmamaang-mangan na lang ho ba tayo buong gabi o itutuloy natin ang interview?

Nandito na rin lang ako, siyempre gusto kong ituloy ang interview.

Napanood n’yo ho ba ang guesting dito ni Harry Roque?

Hindi eh. Pero regular viewer mo ako Vice. Kung wala rin lang akong ginagawa ‘pag Sabado nang gabi, pinapanood talaga kita.

Linggo ho ang GGV.

Alam ko. ‘Yun nga ang sinabi ko.

Sabado ho ang sinabi n’yo.

Linggo ang sinabi ko.

Kasasabi n’yo lang na Sabado. Kahit i-playback pa ho natin. Wala kayong sinabing Linggo.

Let’s pretend na Sabado nga ang sinabi ko. Pero fan mo talaga ako.

Nambola pa ang ‘king inang to.

Narinig ko ‘yun.

Ipinarinig ko ho talaga.

Ok.

Malapit na po ang Halloween. Kung bibili po kayo ng Halloween costume, bakit pa?

What do you mean, “Bakit pa?”

Ano ‘to? Magpi-pretend na naman tayong ‘di n’yo naintindihan ang tanong?

Paki-rephrase na lang.

Ganito na lang. Kapag nananalamin ho ba kayo, hindi n’yo sinisisi ang Diyos?

Alam mo, tayong lahat ay mahal ng Diyos at naniniwala akong pare-pareho ang tingin n’ya sa atin.

Hindi ho ako papayag. HINDI AKO PAPAYAG na ang tingin sa akin at tingin sa ‘yo ng Diyos ay pareho!

Opinyon mo ‘yan Vice.

Sila rin ho, ang ating studio audience.

[Studio Audience: Kurek!]

* * * * * * *

Anyway, punta na tayo sa mga isyu. Nanalo ho sa Makati RTC si Senator Trillanes, talo kayo. Napasimangot ho ba kayo nang marinig n’yo ang balita?

Siyempre naman. Tayo ang nagsimula niyan eh.

Paano n’yo ho nalamang nakasimangot kayo?

Anong tanong ‘yan?

I mean, nakikita n’yo pa ba ang difference kung nakasimangot kayo o hindi?

Kanina ka pa Vice. Bakit ‘di mo na lang ako diretsuhin: pangit kayo!

Kayo ho ang nagsabi niyan, hindi ako. And to be fair to me, hindi ko inisip na pangit kayo.

Salamat naman kung gano’n.

Charot lang. Hihihi

Matagal pa ba?

Nagmamadali ho kayo? May naghihintay na Grab sa labas? Sandali na lang ho. Sabi sa news, ‘di na raw kayo magsasampa ng motion for reconsideration sa Makati RTC at diretso na raw kayo sa Court of Appeals. Sino po sa tingin n’yo ang mas may appeal, ‘yung court o si Senator Trillanes.

Siyempre ‘yung Court. Sus, walang sinabi ‘yang unggoy na si Trillanes ‘no!

Wooooow. Kung unggoy ho si Trillanes,

‘Wag mo nang ituloy. Babalik na naman sa akin ‘yan.

Ang brilliant n’yo! Paano n’yo nalaman? Hihihi Anyway, sabi sa research, mula raw nang maupo kayo sa gobyerno, nakakuha ang inyong security agency ng 16 government contracts worth 358.3 million pesos! Samakatuwid

Vice, there is nothing wrong or unlawful with that!

Sandali lang, wala pa ho akong tanong. Ang tanong ko: bakit hindi namin dapat paniwalaan ang research?

Ibahin mo ang tanong Vice.

So, totoo pala ang research?

Again, I see nothing wrong with that. Ano bang masama sa pagnenegosyo? Kahit naman ikaw Vice, may negosyo ‘di ba?

Pero hindi ho sa gobyerno. ‘Yung kinukubra n’yo, pera ‘yun ng gobyerno.

Teka lang. Akala ko ba galit ka rin kay Trillanes? Bakit parang ini-imply mong corrupt ako?

Wala ho akong ini-imply.

‘Buti naman.

Sinasabi ko mismo.

Na corrupt ako?!?

Kayo ho ang nagsabi niyan.

Mahaba na ang interview na ‘to.

Sandali na lang ho. May babasahin lang akong mean tweets tapos mag-comment kayo. Heto ang una.

1CalidaTweet2

Ano hong masasabi n’yo?

No comment ako d’yan kasi hindi ako book.

Eh ano ho? Bukbok? Charot! Next tweet ho.

1CalidaTweet

Nasubukan n’yo na bang magpa-Belo?

No way! Ang nagpapa-Belo lang, ‘yung mga taong insecure at kulang sa self-confidence!

Taraaaay! Iba rin ang confidence n’yo Sir. Hiyang-hiya naman si Enrique Gil sa kutis n’yo. O, last na ‘to!

1CalidaTweet3

‘Yung totoo po, nasasaktan pa ba kayo kapag tinatawag na pangit?

Sabi nga nila, “the truth hurts.” Hindi ako naha-hurt. Kapag hindi ka naha-hurt o napipikon, ibig sabihin, hindi totoo ang sinasabi nila.

Eh ‘pag sinasabihan ho kayong corrupt?

Putang ina nila! Mga hindot na ‘king inang putang inang mga ‘yan; mga demonyong dilawan! Mamatay na kayo mga putang ina n’yo! Mga walanghiya! Mga hayop! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuuuuuuuuuuuck you!

Maraming salamat Sir! Palakpakan naman natin, Solicitor General Jose Calida.

[APPLAUSE]

Watch the full on interview on GGV on November 31, 2018 after Rated K.
__________________________________________________________________________________________
“Whoever is detected in a shameful fraud is ever after not believed even if they speak the truth.”
~Phaedrus

Sound Bites
“A victory for justice, rule of law and democracy for the country.”
~Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV on Judge Andres Soriano’s ruling

Ballsy.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever8.

[Photos: ABS-CBN News]





ICYMI: SECOND OPINION

17 10 2018

First published in the Philippine Daily Inquirer last October 14, 2018.

During a Cabinet meeting, President Duterte announced that the recent tests on his esophagus came back negative for cancer. Members of the Cabinet erupted in cheers and congratulated the President. Suddenly, his liver spoke, “Don’t celebrate just yet.”

The President and his family went on an unannounced trip to Hong Kong recently, apparently, to seek second opinion. The next day, Mr. Duterte got the confirmation: t-shirts and jackets cost less in Hong Kong.

___________

Chief Presidential Legal Counsel Salvador Panelo is replacing Harry Roque. He is now the President’s chief sanitary engineer.

___________

President Duterte revealed when outgoing presidential spokesman Harry Roque told him he wanted to resign, he replied, “Go ahead!” Breaking: Harry Roque’s heart.

___________

Harry Roque is currently in China for a private engagement. But he’ll be back tomorrow. He can’t wait to consult his family, talk to the President, and update his curriculum vitae.

___________

Alan Peter Cayetano has stepped down as foreign affairs secretary. Reports say he is seeking a congressional post, and wants to be Speaker. Oh, he probably misses it. He’s been very quiet for more than two years now.

___________

Former police chief Ronald ‘Bato’ de la Rosa, who is seeking a Senate seat, was recently quoted to have said, “Galit na galit ako sa gumagawa ng EJKs. Ang gumagawa niyan walang b****g!” When President Duterte heard this, he sought for a second opinion.

___________

Feuding half-brothers JV Ejercito and Jinggoy Estrada are both running for senator. But JV, who pushed for the passage of a bill banning political dynasties, believes it’s not acceptable to have two Estradas in the Senate. And the Cayetano siblings were like, “Okay lang ‘yun!”

___________

Folk artist and staunch Duterte supporter, Freddie Aguilar has filed his certificate of candidacy for senator. Aguilar is a cultural icon whose music we grew up listening to. I can’t wait to not vote for him in 2019.

___________

Anson Tuana, a 39-year-old senatorial aspirant, who also filed his COC, claimed he was an ex-boyfriend of resigned Assistant Presidential Communications Secretary Mocha Uson. A number of people actually believed Tuana’s claim saying ‘the customer is always right.’

Anson Tuana claimed he was an ex-boyfriend of Mocha Uson. Uson’s supporters say Tuana is a liar who spreads lies. To which, Tuana replied, “That’s exactly why we clicked.”

___________

In Makati City, siblings Junjun and Abby Binay are on a collision course as both have expressed interest in running for mayor next year. Taking a potshot at his sister’s “different” style of governance, Junjun says he carries the “Binay brand, the brand of governance that my father did for the people of Makati.” To which, the Makati City Hall Building II said, “I know, right?”

___________

The Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency (PDEA) says methamphetamine hydrochloride or shabu has “flooded” the streets of Metro Manila. When told about it, President Duterte ordered PDEA to take over the operations of the MMDA.

___________

Prices of basic commodities continue to rise but the cost of shabu has reportedly dropped by more than a third. This has prompted the President to revamp his economic team to include people from the Bureau of Customs.

___________

Former Assistant Presidential Communications Secretary Mocha Uson claims Communist rebels are to be blamed if she gets killed. The country is in crisis. We don’t have the luxury of fairy tales. Next issue please.

___________

Two persons allegedly won the more than one billion peso-Ultra Lotto 6/58 jackpot. To the administration candidates in next year’s elections, congratulations!
____________________________________________________________________________________
“It is hard to imagine a more stupid or more dangerous way of making decisions than by putting those decisions in the hands of people who pay no price for being wrong.”
~Thomas Sowell

Sound Bites
“Well, eventually, uod man magiging butterfly ulit so inggit ka lang, you’re stuck as an uod. Butterfly tayo!”
~Harry Roque during his GGV guesting

Pak!

Twitter: @hecklerforever8

[Photo: Philippine Star]





YOU’RE FIRED!

9 10 2018

PRESIDENT DUTERTE goes shopping in Hong Kong. Mocha gets fired. Harry Roque is a no-show in his own press briefing. Richard Gordon refuses to investigate Calida. Mar Roxas’s wife cozies up to the purveyor of fake news. Everyday gets crazier under the Duterte administration. Here are some picture memes I created on the latest headlines.

Harry and Friends

Harry on Leave

Duterte Biopsy

Duterte Shopping

Duterte Green

Mocha Fired

Mocha BBM Boss

Mocha Korina

CJ De Castro

Calida and Gordon

Duterte Leni
_____________________________________________________________________________________
“It’s time to care; it’s time to take responsibility; it’s time to lead; it’s time for a change; it’s time to be true to our greatest self; it’s time to stop blaming others.”
~Steve Maraboli

Sound Bites
“Hindi ko ugali ang mamulitika; mas gusto kong tahimik na magtrabaho. Pero sasabihin ko ito ngayon: ang tapang, lakas, at diskarte, hindi nadadaan sa mapanirang salita. Ang kailangan ng taumbayan ay tapang sa gawa.”
~Vice President Leni Robredo

#Burn

________
I am on Twitter: @hecklerforever8

[Photos: Inquirer.net; SAP Bong Go; RTVM]





THE REWARD

7 10 2018

Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte offers reward to a group of teenage boys who saved his life.





PLAYFUL (MY FOOT)

1 10 2018

This article was first published by the Philippine Daily Inquirer on Sept. 30, 2018.

In a speech in Malacañang, President Duterte admitted, “My only sin is extrajudicial killings.” And then he said, “I’m not under oath, am I?”

Defending Duterte’s statement, Chief Presidential Legal Counsel Salvador Panelo said, “He’s Bisaya.” PNP Chief Oscar Albayalde said it was uttered “because of frustration” while former senator Juan Ponce Enrile insisted, “Only one was killed and none was arrested in Duterte’s war on drugs.”

Everyone expected palace spokesman Harry Roque to say that President Duterte was just joking. But in a radio interview, Roque said the President was just being “playful.” And then he went on to thank his friend who gave him a new thesaurus on his last birthday.

_____________

According to President Duterte, drug dependents were to blame for the country’s rice crisis. In a joint statement, Agriculture and NFA officials denied they were drug dependents.

President Duterte joked that recovering drug dependents, whom he described as “mga ulol” (crazed) were to blame for the country’s rice crisis because they have started eating again. Recovering drug dependents then expressed alarm when Duterte added, “I will appoint Ozamiz City Police Chief Jovie Espenido to the NFA.”

I just noticed there’s Duterte, a joke, drug dependent, and ulol in one sentence. Apologies for the redundancy.

In his next speech, the President will try to figure out a way to blame the peso’s slump on drug addicts.

_____________

Palace spokesman Harry Roque says the “foremost priority” of the Duterte administration right now is “fighting inflation.” In case you’re not aware, inflation was arrested last week on rehashed rebellion charges but was released after posting bail.

_____________

Solicitor General Jose Calida has threatened to file a libel complaint against Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV if the senator “doesn’t express his sincere apology” for accusing him of stealing his amnesty application documents. Calida insists he is not a thief. Is he being playful too?

_____________

Last September 12, President Duterte revealed an alleged plot to oust him on Sept. 21. Nothing happened. This week, the military said there was a plot to bring down Duterte in October (calling it ‘Red October’) and another in November and one more in December. So far, two “leaders” of the alleged plot to eliminate Duterte are being monitored. They were identified as Buerger and Barrett.

_____________

Former senate president Aquilino Pimentel Jr. advised Communications Assistant Sec. Mocha Uson to stop meddling in the government’s federalism campaign and go back to showbiz instead. In response, ‘showbiz’ said, “We already have Robin Padilla. We can only take so much.”

Sources told Inquirer Lifestyle editor Lito Zulueta that Mocha Uson would resign from the Presidential Communications Operations Office “anytime soon.” Mocha has yet to inform her boss about her decision but she’s confident Bongbong Marcos will understand.

_____________

Chinese-backed Maldivian President Abdulla Yameen, the tyrannical leader who jailed political rivals on dubious charges lost his re-election bid earlier this week. Yameen appeared on television to concede. He was flanked by his two sons, Baste Yameen and Pulong Yameen.
_______________________________________________________________________________
“A guilty conscience needs no accuser.”
~Anonymous

Sound Bites
“Extraordinary statement by a Head of State (and we have had many this week at the UN): my ‘only’ sin is #EJK. Translation: my only sin is imposing unthinkable sufferings on 1000s of vulnerable families, emboldening corrupt policing, destroying rule of law.”
~Agnes Callamard, United Nations special rapporteur

Truth.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever8





THE MASK

18 09 2018

This article was first published in the Opinion Page of the Philippine Daily Inquirer last Sept. 16, 2018.

THEMASK

IN HIS RECENT tête-à-tête with Chief Presidential Legal Counsel Salvador Panelo, President Duterte mentioned the name of Senator Trillanes at least 20 times. And that could be a problem. The last time he uttered someone else’s name that much, his wife filed for annulment.

____________

Critics described President Duterte’s behavior during his talk with Panelo as “childish” and “immature.” Duterte lashed back at them threatening repeatedly to “tell Mom.”

____________

A couple of days back, President Duterte presided over a command conference for typhoon Ompong. It was great to see someone on top of something he’s really good at: disasters.

____________

It’s still several weeks ‘til Halloween but on his TV appearances, we can notice President Duterte is already wearing a mask.

When asked about the status of his health, the President talked about Jose Maria Sison, the Magdalo Group, and the alleged conspiracy to oust him. He’s not well, obviously.

Here’s another pre-Halloween joke for you. Two guys (who do not know each other) wearing identical Bongbong Marcos masks walk into a Halloween costume party. One of the guys says, “Well, this is awkward. We can’t be both losers tonight.”

____________

Defense Sec. Delfin Lorenzana admitted it was Solicitor General Jose Calida who called him on August 16 “to get the amnesty records” of Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV. Fifteen days later, President Duterte would claim Trillanes’s amnesty records were missing. Remember the saying, “Never judge a book by its cover?” Not all the time.

____________

For helping authorities detect shabu in the magnetic lifters found in a warehouse in Cavite, a 6-year-old dog named ‘Odel’ was awarded a ‘Medalya ng Papuri’ by the Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency. The President has earlier dismissed the P6.8B shabu shipment as “pure speculation.” Solicitor General Jose Calida has started his inquiry into Odel’s training records.

____________

According to Gallup’s annual Global Emotions Report, 2017 was the world’s most miserable year in more than a decade. People experienced worry, physical pain, sadness, stress, and anger. Or as that’s called in the Philippines, the five stages of Duterte’s War on Drugs.

____________

The Department of Justice is offering a reward of P500,000 for information leading to the arrest of alleged-big time drug lord, Peter Lim. Even Peter Lim was like, “Five hundred thousand??? Do you want me arrested or not?”

____________

Here’s a bad news: There have been reports that some witnesses against Andal Ampatuan Jr. have recanted their testimonies. Harry Roque, a former counsel of some Maguindanao massacre victims, is upset. He couldn’t believe that witnesses would just abandon the side of truth in exchange for something. To which, those witnesses replied, “Look who’s talking.”
__________________________________________________________________________________
“Sorry to hear your body is as sick as your mind.”
~Anonymous

Sound Bites
“There is an evolving story sa Itogon, Barangay Ucab… 43 persons doon, nag-collapse ‘yung church… Kaya nga ito eh, alam mo Sir sa totoo lang, kung pinalitan niyo ‘yung pari diyan, ‘di magbagsak ‘yan. Bobo kasi itong mga pari, p*tang*na!”
~Rodrigo Duterte

Classy.

I am STILL on Twitter: @hecklerforever8

Photo: via the DA Secretary





TÊTÊ-À-TÊTÊ: WHEN TWO DICKS TALK

12 09 2018

WHEN TWO DICKS talk, is that a tête-à-tête? Asking for a friend.

In case you missed it, here are some excerpts from President Duterte’s one-and-a-half-hour tête-à-tête with Chief Presidential Legal Counsel Salvador Panelo last September 11, 2018.

ON RICE SHORTAGE
_____________________

ON BUKBOK RICE
_____________________

ON INFLATION
_____________________

ON OPH EXCHANGE RATE
_____________________

ON BONG GO
_____________________

ON K9
_____________________

ON AMNESTY
_____________________

ON SEPT 21

_____________________

ON BAR
_____________________

ON HEALTH
_____________________

FINAL MESSAGE
____________________________________________________________________________________
“An obsession with control generally seems to reflect a fear of uncertainty.”
~Henry Mintberg

Sound Bites
“What a sad, tragic, and unfortunate misuse of the national attention.”
~Former Solicitor General Florin Hilbay on Duterte’s têtê-à-têtê with Panelo

Indeed.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever8

[Photos: Philippine Star; RTVM Screen Grab]





DUTERTE TO TRILLANES: GAGO!

6 09 2018

OFFICIAL STATEMENT
OF
PRESIDENT RODRIGO DUTERTE
On the revocation of Senator Trillanes’s amnesty

Una, pasalamat muna ako sa gobyerno ng Israel sa mainit na pagtanggap sa akin. Akala ko nga bugbugin na ako ng mga Israeli dahil sa Hitler jokes ko. Mababait naman pala. Buti pa sila nakaintindi ng Hitler at rape jokes ko. ‘Tong mga Pinoy, sila pa ‘tong napaka-sensitive. Pisti!

Maraming tumawag sa akin at nagtanong tungkol sa nangyayari sa Pilipinas. ‘Di ako pinatulog ng mga yawa. Walang hinto ang text at tawag. ‘Di ko nga sinagot. Alam n’yong nagtrabaho ako dito sa Israel ‘tapos abalahin n’yo ako mga putang ina n’yo. Pati ba naman si Trillanes, prublimahin ko pa? But since you asked, ganito ‘yan. Wala na akong pakialam sa gagong ‘yan. Ayaw ko na ngang pansinin ‘yan.

Hindi ko naman alam, nilakad pala ni Calida ‘yung amnesty-amnesty nung gago. Eh anong magawa ko kung magtrabaho ‘yung tao ko? Pigilan ko ba? Nang papirmahan sa akin ang dokumento, ‘di ko binasa dahil masakit ang t’yan ko. Malay ko bang ‘yun pala ang laman nun.

Pero kung sabihin n’yo, “political persecution,” gago! Nasa Israel nga ako, ba’t ako pagbintangan n’yo? Ba’t ‘di n’yo tanungin si Calida?

Tapos isisi n’yo rin sa akin ang inflation rate. Tarantado. Kausap ko ang prisidinti sa Israel, ako sisihin n’yo sa presyo ng bilihin d’yan?!

Balikan ko lang ‘yung gago, kung walang basehan ang pag-revoke ng amnesty kay Trillanes, go to court. Any court! ‘Di ka urungan ng mga abogado ko.

I REPEAT: this is not political persecution. My government will not go after my political opponents without legal basis!

Kay Trillanes, akala ko ba matapang ka? Sinugod mo ang Oakwood; sinugod mo ang Manila Peninsula; binasag mo ang mga pasô at salamin, binulabog mo ang mga guests, tarantado ka. Tapos ngayon, nagtago ka d’yan sa Senado. Gago!

Lastly, ‘pasalamat nga pala ako kay Robin Padilla. Alam n’yo, kung gusto n’yo ng totoong matapang na senador, ‘yan ang iboto n’yo sa sunod na eleksyon. Tama ang ginawa n’ya dahil the law allows citizen’s arrest! Pwede niyang arestuhin si Trillanes. Wala mang pipiligil sa kanya. Guwapo eh. Sus, baka nga pa-rape pa sa kanya ang mga babae at bakla d’yan sa Senado. Pilahan man siya. Suportahan natin si Robin.

Again, this preposterous allegation of political persecution has no basis. I call on my supporters to reject this narrative of the Dilawan. Pastilan!

Ito, hindi joke. Na-miss ko kayong lahat. Pabalik na ako galing Israel. Stay lang kami ng isa pang araw dahil namasyal pa ang mga kasama ko. See you soon.

Mabuhay ang sambayang Pilipino! Daghang salamat.

——-
Photo: Inquirer.net
Twitter: @hecklerforever8





DELIVER US FROM WEEVIL

3 09 2018

This article first appeared in the Philippine Daily Inquirer on Sept. 2, 2018.

It’s September – the start of the long Christmas season for many Filipinos – except for Teresita Leonardo-De Castro who got her Christmas gift a week earlier. Merry Christmas!

Newly-installed Supreme Court Chief Justice Teresita Leonardo-De Castro defends her appointment to the SC’s highest post saying President Duterte doesn’t know her personally. She adds, “I don’t think the President would do anything that will impair the independence of the judiciary.” Apparently, she doesn’t know Duterte personally.

* * * * *

The Department of Agriculture has approved the importation of 17,000 metric tons of galunggong (round scad) from China starting this month. Agriculture Sec. Emmanuel Piñol will personally supervise the importation. In fact, when the galunggongs arrive in our ports, Piñol will be the one holding the “Welcome back!” banner.

Claiming it would address the rice shortage in Zamboanga, Basilan, Tawi-tawi and Sulu, Agriculture Secretary Emmanuel Piñol has proposed to legalize rice smuggling. Even rice smugglers were like, “No, thanks. We’re doing just fine.”

Still on Piñol, the Secretary downplayed reports that imported rice from Thailand were infested with weevils or bukbok, a type of beetle. He said, “Serve me bukbok rice, I will eat it.” In the interest of fairness, let’s ask the bukbok if they’re willing to be served to Piñol.

* * * * *

Change has come indeed. The Philippines now imports galunggong; a top government official openly supports rice smuggling, and recently, the University of the Philippines has become the newest party venue for Marcos loyalists.

* * * * *

A group of young men from Malabon City got into trouble when a video they created in 2016 surfaced and became viral. In the video, the men are smoking pot and cursing at President Duterte. Are you guys insane? Never ever do those things again. Never smoke pot, and never record yourselves cursing at the President!

Alleged big time drug lord Peter Lim was a no-show at his arraignment in Makati City for drug conspiracy charges. The police have yet to locate and arrest him. Let’s hope he creates a video cursing at the President, too.

In his regular press conference, presidential spokesperson Harry Roque calmly appealed to alleged big-time drug lord Peter Lim to “PLEASE surrender.” In response, Peter Lim told Roque, “PLEASE don’t be too obvious.”

* * * * *

In a Congressional hearing last Thursday, Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency chief Aaron Aquino insisted the four magnetic filters found in Cavite last month contained shabu. Siding with the Bureau of Customs (BOC) though, President Duterte had previously dismissed the claim as “pure speculation.” But Aquino would rather believe PDEA’s K-9 unit. The dogs which “responded twice” during the inspection could detect scents 10,000 times better than humans. In fact, rumors say, when the K-9 unit heard about the statements of the BOC and the President, the dogs detected cover-up.

* * * * *

President Duterte claims the CIA is listening to his conversations, and is plotting to kill him. As a precautionary measure, Duterte will now avoid his regular conversations… with himself.

* * * * *

Reports say Russian trolls and bots spread misinformation on vaccine safety in the US to sow public discord. The report has prompted PAO Chief Persida Acosta to issue a statement denying she’s Russian.

* * * * *

Quezon City Rep. Vincent “Bingbong” Crisologo filed a case against his driver who allegedly stole the P200,000 cash he entrusted to him for safekeeping. The suspected thief is medium-built, soft-spoken, and looks up to congressmen as role models.

* * * * *

For several days now, PCOO Assistant Secretary Mocha Uson has not committed any blunder on social media. This is alarming. To Mocha’s followers, please pray for her.

* * * * *

Whenever I see Kris Aquino’s photos on social media these days, I am reminded of the film ‘Crazy Rich Asians.’ Whenever I see President Duterte’s close-up photos on social media these days, I am reminded of the film, ‘Fifty Shades of Gray.” Please pray for him, too.
____________________________________________________________________________________
“All cruelty springs from weakness.”
~Seneca

Sound Bites
“Instead of continuing to glorify a dictator who stole billions from our country, drove the nation into debt, and presided over the murder and imprisonment of thousands of Filipinos, he can work on truly unifying the nation, and assuring our people, especially those at the fringes, that their voices are being heard and that their daily suffering will soon be eased.”
~Vice President Leni Robredo

Exactly.

Twitter: @Hecklerforever8





EXCLUSIVE! CHIEF JUSTICE, RUMESBAK

27 08 2018

OFFICIAL STATEMENT
Chief Justice
Supreme Court of the Philippines

SABADO, August 25. Magtatanghali noon.

Nasa fruits and vegetables section ako sa supermarket nang matanggap ko ang isang text message. Ang sabi:

AAAUwian Na

Hindi ko na-gets ang message ni Mareng Gloria kaya nag-reply ako.

AAAUwian Na2

At sumagot naman siya:

AAAUwian Na3

Napatalon ako sa labis na tuwa. Naitulak ko tuloy nang ‘di sinasadya ang push cart at nabunggo nito ang kalapit na table. Nahulog ang dalawang pirasong ampalaya. Tse! Pati ba naman dito may hater!

Nagsunud-sunod na ang tawag at text sa akin. To cut a long story short, hindi na ako namili. Umuwi na lang ako. Hindi ko kinaya ang moment na ‘yun. Iba! On my way home, nag-log in ako sa Twitter using my secret account. Bahala na kayong humula kung ano ang Twitter handle ko. Basta ang clue, active na active ako. ‘Di n’yo lang alam na ako ‘yun.

Pero pingsisihan ko ang paggamit ng Twitter nang araw na iyon. Grabe! Ang daming nega. Ang daming inggitera. Ang daming bashers. ‘Yung isa nga, muntik ko nang replyan, “Ganda ka ‘teh?” Kaya lang baka mag-boomerang. ‘Wag na lang.

Pero dahil sa walang tigil na batikos sa akin, nagpasya akong maglabas na lang ng maikling pahayag para maipagtanggol ko naman ang aking sarili. Ito na nga ‘yun.

Sabi nila, ambisyosa at ganid daw ako sa kapangyarihan. Excuse me! Hindi ako ambisyosa.

Sabi nila, shameless at bitter daw ako. Excuse me! Hindi ako shameless!

Sabi nila, wala raw akong integridad at wala ring delicadeza! Excuse me again! Meron akong integridad.

Sabi nila, tuta raw ako ni Duterte at gagamitin ni Bongbong para maging bise presidente! Excuse me! Hindi ako tuta ni Duterte.

At ang hindi ko talaga matanggap, ‘yung sabihin nilang, “Pangit ka na nga, pangit pa ang ugali mo.” Excuse me! EXCUUUUSE ME! Basta.

Sa aking kaarawan sa Oktubre ay magreretiro na rin ako. Sa madaling salita, apatnapu’t isang araw lang akong mauupo bilang Chief Justice. Pero wala sa ikli o haba ng termino ‘yan. Kung desidido kang wasakin, I mean, paglingkuran ang bansa mo, magagawa mo ‘yan sa panahong ipinagkaloob sa ‘yo ng Panginoon.

Nabanggit ko na rin lang ang Panginoon, nagpapasalamat ako kay Pangulong Duterte sa kanyang pagtitiwala sa akin. Hindi ko po kayo bibiguin. #AlamNa

Kay Maria Lourdes Sereno, HA HA HA. Move on ka na ‘day.

At sa aking mga kritiko na walang tigil sa pamba-bash sa akin, sino ngayon ang bitter sa atin? Ako pa rin?

EXCUSE ME!
___________________________________________________________________________
“It came to me. My own. My love. My own. My precious. We swears to serve the master of the precious. We will swear on the…on the precious.”
~Gollum, ‘The Lord of the Rings Trilogy’

Sound Bites
“We continue to suffer from the consequences of the legacy of evil that your father left behind. And it did not help that your family preserved his body. It only made us even more committed to never forget what had happened to our family members, our friends and our colleagues. Pray tell me, Imee, how can we move on?”
~Rufa Guiam, An Open Letter to Imee

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever8.





IMEE, MOVING ON AND MILLENNIALS

23 08 2018

THE LATE PHILIPPINE dictator Ferdinand Marcos amassed up to 10 billion dollars while in office. During martial law, some 34,000 were tortured, more than 3,000 were killed, and almost 400 disappeared never to be seen again. The Marcoses never apologized for the atrocities of the regime. There have been reports they’re willing to return a “portion” of their ill-gotten wealth but this too turned out to be BS.

Earlier this week, Imee Marcos, the dictator’s daughter, was quoted to have said, “The millennials have moved on, and I think people at my age should also move on as well.”

Thinking Filipino millennials have spoken via social media. Here are some of their responses via Twitter.

1Chewbacca

1CommissionSurvey

1Boyfriend

1Bruha

1Chuckie

1Crimes

1Crush

1Destroyed

1DiGets

1Docu

1DontUs

1ExLang

1Fabricated

1Gaga

1HarryPotter

1HowBad

1Hugot

1Jeggings

1Killer

1Kinulimbat

1Manggago

1Narrative

1SomethingThere

1Suffer

1Tae

1Tanga

1Tapyas

1Tonta
___________________________________________________________________________________
“Win or lose, we go shopping after the election.”
~Imelda Marcos

Sound Bites
“Only in the Philippines could a leader like Ferdinand Marcos, who pillaged his country for over 20 years, still be considered for a national burial. Insignificant amounts of the loot have been recovered, yet his wife and children were allowed to return and engage in politics.”
~Lee Kwan Yew, former Prime Minister of Singapore

Amen.

I am still on Twitter: @hecklerforever8





LIGHT BULB JOKES 2018

19 08 2018

This article first appeared in the Opinion Page of the Philippine Daily Inquirer on August 18, 2018.

Q: How many Rodrigo Dutertes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to curse the darkness.

Q: How many Rodrigo Dutertes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The report about the burnt out bulb is “pure speculation.”

Q: How many members of the Duterte administration does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five:
1. One to announce that the light bulb needs to be changed;
2. One to create a controversial viral dance video about it;
3. One to blame ‘dilawans” for the old bulb burning out;
4. One to buy a new bulb from China, and
5. One to publish a fake news article titled, “Duterte voted best electrician in the solar system”

Q: How many Antonio Trillaneses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to initiate a probe into the possible involvement of President Duterte in the old light bulb’s ‘death.’

Q: How many Ben Tulfos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. But he’ll demand P60 million for doing the task.

Q: How many Wanda Teo-Tulfos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to go shopping for a new bulb and one to change it.

Q: How many Richard Gordons does it take to change light bulb?
A: Only one. He holds the bulb in place and enjoys the moment as the world revolves around him.

Q: How many Alan Peter Cayetanos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he follows the step by step instructions of the Chinese.

Q: How many big time drug lords does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to smuggle the new light bulb and one to meet with the president to deny he was the supplier of the burnt out bulb.

Q: How many Gloria Macapagal-Arroyos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: At least three. The ceiling is too high.

Q: How many Sara Dutertes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. But she’ll make some calls to make sure the old bulb is replaced.

Q: How many minority bloc members in the Lower House does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Which minority bloc?

Q: How many economic managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he’ll insist on raising taxes to collect funds to buy a new bulb.

Q: How many ‘dilawans’ does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Thousands to chant, “Tama na! Sira na! Palitan na!” and one to replace it.

Q: How many BBM media influencers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?

Q: How many Persida Acostas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to call a press conference to present the burnt-out bulb.

Q: How many Manny Pacquiaos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Light bulbs are not mentioned in the Bible.

Q: How many millennials does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to record it live on Instagram.

Q: How many Mocha Usons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Are you sure you want her to do the job?

Q: How many Kris Aquinos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to record the moment for the whole world to see.

Q: How many Alma Morenos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Dasal lang, dasal lang talaga.

Q: How many Tito Sottos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (The punchline has been taken down upon the request of the senator.)

Q: How many Presidential Communications Operations Office copywriters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Tree.
____________________________________________________________________________________
“Facts are threatening to those invested in fraud.”
~DaShanne Stokes

Sound Bites
“Woe to you who drive the poor victims of drugs more deeply into poverty and misery! You who neither respect human rights nor human lives. You who trample on people’s dignity because they are poor and are unable to defend themselves!”
~Caloocan Bishop Pablo Virgilio David on the occasion of the first murder anniversary of Kian Lloyd De Los Santos

Indeed.

I still am on Twitter: @hecklerforever8








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