Advertisements

BLOGGERS FOR FREEDOM

19 01 2018

STATEMENT: BLOGGERS FOR FREEDOM

We, concerned Filipino bloggers, stand for the rights to free expression and to free speech. And our first responsibility is to protect these rights.

We thus stand with Rappler, its right to exist, the rights of its working journalists and contributors, and the rights of its community of readers.

We stand against moves to silence and scare journalists, bloggers and media practitioners just because the President and his ardent supporters dislike their news and views.

Now is a time for making choices amid battles between truth and lies, debate and dissonance, democracy and dictatorship.

We sign our names here to tell everyone we have made a choice. We are bloggers for freedom.

Noemi Lardizabal-Dado
Tonyo Cruz
Dale Bacar
Marcelle Fabie
Myk Mykapalaran Cruz
Rod Magaru
Ely Valendez
Alex Lapa
Tess Termulo
Zena Bernardo
Jover Laurio
James Romer V. Velina
Ramon Nocon
Flow Galindez
Helga Weber
Mc Richard Viana Paglicawan
Raymond Palatino
Loi Landicho
Saul de Jesus
Karlo Mongaya
Ricky Rivera
Mark Will Mayo Magallanes
Eyriche Cortez
Julius Mariveles
Yusuf Ledesma
RJ Barrete
Dino Manrique
Peachy Tan
Rhadem Camlian Morados
Julius Rocas
Jon Limjap
Markku Seguerra
Jam Ancheta
Estan Cabigas
Enrico Dee
Acee Vitangcol
Stefan Punongbayan
Jesus Falcis
Hancel Reyes
Czarina Maye Noche
JM Mariano
Reginald Agsalon
John Clifford Sibayan
Jane Uymatiao
Johnn Mendoza
Carlos Celdran
Christian Melanie
Jann Medina
Carlo Arvisu
Inday Espina Varona
Eugene Alvin Villar
Melo Villareal
Brian Ong
JM Tuazon
Fritz Tentativa
Fitz Villafuerte
Tina Antonio
Mykel Andrada
Reynaldo Pagsolingan Jr.
Renz Daniel de Vera

Published on January 19, 2018, Black Friday.

For those who wish to sign the statement, please fill out this form.
___________________________________________________________________________________
“If freedom of speech is taken away, then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter.”
~George Washington

Advertisements




EXCLUSIVE: MALACAÑANG’S FULL STATEMENT ON SEC’S RULING VS. RAPPLER

15 01 2018

1rAPPLER

1rAPPLER

RAPPLER: “We will continue bringing you the news, holding the powerful to account for their actions and decisions, calling attention to government lapses that further disempower the disadvantaged. We will hold the line.” Read full statement here.
______________________________________________________________________________
“Whoever would overthrow the liberty of a nation must begin by subduing the freeness of speech.”
~Benjamin Franklin

[Photos: Rappler; Duterte: Ted Aljibe/AFP/Getty Images]





PISTING YAWA!

13 01 2018

1senate
THE FIRST pre-election survey conducted by the Social Weather Stations showed Lito Lapid winning a Senate seat if elections were held today. Lapid is left wondering. How many times does he have to prove he’s unfit for the job?

If elections were held today, even Lito Lapid wouldn’t vote for Lito Lapid.

Jinggoy Estrada, who is facing corruption and plunder charges, also fared well in the survey. Respondents put him in 7th place. Filipinos being Filipinos. They deserve him.

Tough-talking radio host and Duterte defender Erwin Tulfo placed 12th in the SWS survey. Tulfo, known for being foul-mouthed like Duterte fared well not inspite of, but because of it.

Dreaming
Defeated vice presidential candidate Bongbong Marcos, who was also in the Magic 12, said he would not run for senator in 2019 because he “already won as vice president.” In other news, Elvis Presley is still alive; Hitler has been confirmed as the son of Jose Rizal, and a ‘snakeman’ was found inside a fitting room at Robinsons Galleria.

(Mis)Quoting
Bongbong Marcos recently tweeted, “During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a universal act. – Novelist George Orwell.” Apparently though, Bongbong wrongly attributed the quote to the novelist as pointed out by human rights lawyer Ruben Carranza. Bongbong quickly defended himself saying, “To be fair, ang anak kong si Sandro talaga ang nag-tweet nun.”

Those people handling Bongbong Marcos’s social media accounts should be careful in selecting quotes to post. I mean, a Marcos lecturing Filipinos about truth and deceit??!? How ironic is that?

1normandie
Retiring
Controversial Court of Appeals Justice Normandie Pizzaro is reportedly retiring next month, exactly a year AHEAD of his mandatory retirement. Who is Normandie Pizzaro? He recently penned the CA’s decision acquitting former Palawan Governor Joel Reyes of murder. He also penned the ruling that acquitted Janet Napoles last year as well as the decision junking a Hawaii court’s order to award damages to Martial Law victims. Suddenly, Pizzaro is retiring. Well, he can now afford.

Normandie Pizzaro is retiring as Court of Appeals justice. He penned the ruling which exonerated Joel Reyes and Janet Napoles as well as the decision junking a Hawaii court’s order to compensate Martial Law victims. With these ‘qualifications,’ he could be the next Duterte appointee.

Improving
After meeting with the officials of the Communist Party of China, President Duterte said the bond between the Philippines and China is getting stronger everyday. In fact, it’s now as strong as those illegal Chinese structures in the West Philippine Sea.”

Firing
President Duterte announced he would sack some 70 policemen who are being accused of corruption. Duterte reiterated he wouldn’t tolerate ‘kotong’ cops – unless those cops have killed a certain number of drug suspects.

According to palace spokesperson Harry Roque, “Asahan ninyo po na wala pong sinasanto ang Presidente, wala po iyang kaibigan, walang kaklase, walang kabarilan. Basta ikaw ay palpak, ikaw ay sibak.” To which, Malacañang reporters replied, “Charot!”

1roque
Duterte’s spokesman Harry Roque said, “Asahan ninyo po na wala pong sinasanto ang Presidente.“ When he heard this, Ferdinand Marcos said, “Iba ang sinabi niya sa akin.”

Harry Roque told the press, “Wala pong sinasanto ang Presidente… basta ikaw ay palpak, ikaw ay sibak.” And Martin Andanar was like, “O, ba’t nakatingin kayong lahat sa akin?”

Leveling
Researchers released a study saying President Trump speaks at a fourth-grade level. The researchers then released a statement apologizing to fourth graders.

A new analysis revealed US President Donald Trump has limited vocabulary and speaks like a fourth grader. In comparison, Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte was just a first grader when he learned to speak words like ‘yawa,’ ‘pisti,’ “iyot,’ and ‘pastilan!’ No match.

Surfing
According to Pornhub, Filipinos spent the longest time per visit on the porn site in 2017. Filipinos spent 13 minutes and 28 seconds on the average per day. That’s a lot of f____g. But still, that’s nothing compared to Filipinos who get to watch one another get screwed by government leaders 24/7.
___________________________________________________________________________________
“Elections, for their part, are typically popularity contests rather than measures of candidates’ relative competency or effectiveness.”
~Nathan Paul Myhrvold

1Trump
Sound Bites
“Why are we having all these people from shithole countries come here?”
~Douchebag Donald Trump describing some developing countries like El Salvador, Nicaragua, Haiti, and African nations on the issue of immigration

Racist.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Senate; Pizzaro: CA Judiciary.gov; Napoles: Inquirer.net; Harry Roque: Inquirer.net; CBS News]





THE ULOL & GAGO NEWS QUIZ

6 01 2018

TRAIN, TAXES, a cursing senator, Mocha Girls, high profile suspects, and more. Are you updated? Take this week’s Current Events Quiz!

1WinPilstar
1: WIN OR LOSE. Tweeting from Nevada, USA, Sherwin Gatchalian, a senator, had an outburst earlier this week. Tinawag nitong “ulol” at “gago” ang ilang netizens na nakasagutan niya sa Twitter. Ano ba ang sinabi ng netizens na  ikinagalit ni Gatchalian?
A: Trapo! Ingrato!
B: Intsik ka kasi kaya sipsip kay Duterte.
C: Kung gaano kaliit ang mata mo, ganun din kaliit ang utak mo! Malamang pati tit* mo!

Answer:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Letter A: Tinawag siyang trapo at ingrato ng netizens matapos niyang batikusin ang administrasyon ni Noynoy Aquino na dati naman niyang sinusuportahan.

2: NO APOLOGIES. Tumangging humingi ng paumanhin si Sherwin Gatchalian matapos magmura sa Twitter. Katwiran ni Win, bayaran at robot daw ang mga nakasagutan niya. Nag-react naman si Lea Salonga. Ano ang sinabi ni Coach Lea via her Twitter account?
A: “Oh dear. If you can’t handle the heat, get out of the kitchen.”
B: “Your choice of words speaks volumes about your true character.”
C: “If they were robots and you replied to robots, what does that say about you?”

Answer:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Letter A. Lea added: “Let’s keep all discourses respectful, even when our opinions are contrary to someone else’s.” Word.

3: WANTED. Mocha Uson’s sexy dance group, the Mocha Girls, is looking for new members. Alin sa mga sumusunod ang ipinagbabawal ng grupo sa prospective applicants?
A: Tsismosa, insecure, at inggiterang babae
B: Sex addict
C: Fame whore

Answer:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
All of the above! Ayon sa inilabas na announcement ng grupo, ang mga ‘yan ang kanilang iniiwasan sa aplikante! Wait, were they describing their leader?

4: FREE MAN. Matapos palayain ng Angeles City RTC (na ikinagulat ng PDEA), nabiktima ng fake news si Mark Anthony Fernandez. Ano ang kumalat na tsismis tungkol sa aktor?
A: Nakabuntis ng dalawang jail guards
B: Umaming nagkaroon ng relasyon sa isang bading na inmate
C: Nag-check-in sa isang hotel kasama ang ex-girlfriend na si Claudine Barretto

Answer:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Letter A. Ayon sa kumalat na fake news, nabuntis daw ni Mark ang dalawang jail guards. His late dad’s manager, Lolit Solis denied the rumor.

1rEYESpHILSTAR
5: FREE MAN 2: Former Palawan governor Joel Reyes, the alleged mastermind in the brutal murder of journalist and environmentalist Dr. Gerry Ortega has also been freed. Aba, nakikiuso! Matapos palayain, ano ang unang ginawa ni Reyes?
A: Tumawag sa Jollibee at nagpa-deliver
B: Tumawag kay President Duterte at nagpasalamat
C: Tumawag kay House Speaker Pantaleon Alvarez para mag-apply sa PDP-Laban

Answer:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
None of the above. Pero ‘yong B & C, hindi imposibleng mangyari.

6: TAX NG INA N’YO. Sa ilalim ng pinag-uusapan ngayong Tax Reform for Acceleration and Inclusion (Train) Law, alin sa mga ito ang totoo:
A: Sa halip na 12 percent, papatawan ng 24 percent tax ang restaurant bill ng employed couple (kasal man o hindi)
B: May 20 percent tax kapag nanalo ka ng more than P10,000 sa lotto at iba pang games ng PCSO
C: Para mas maging affordable ang pagpaparetoke, wala nang babayarang tax ang mga cosmetic surgeons.

Answer:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Letter B: May tax na ang lotto at iba pang games ng PCSO! So kahit 20,000 lang ang napanalunan mo, katorse mil na lang ang ibibigay sa ‘yo.

7: ASSUMING. Matapos makasama sa tinatawag Magic 12 sa isang senatorial survey, sinabi ni Sara Duterte na payag siyang mapunta sa iba ang slot niya basta’t ____________.
A: “’Wag lang akong inisin ng mga kalaban ni President Duterte.”
B: “’Wag lang akong i-bash sa social media.”
C: “’Wag lang akong topakin. Lagi pa naman akong tinotopak.”

Answer:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Letter C. “‘Wag lang akong topakin. Lagi pa naman akong tinotopak.” Joooke! The answer is A.

8: NATIONAL ISSUE. “Headline” ngayon si Sunshine Cruz matapos “pagpiyestahan” ang kanyang Instagram photo kung saan kita ang kanyang:
A: Kaliwang nipple
B: Maputing butt crack o kuyukot
C: Maputing kilikili

Answer:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Letter C. Dahil ito ang solusyon sa tumataas na halaga ng bilihin, ibinalita ng ilang news outlets ang “flawless” daw na kilikili ni Sunshine Cruz!

9: CONSISTENT. Mula nang pumasok ang 2018, ilang beses nang nasisira ang MRT 3 (As of Saturday, January 6)?
A: Tatlo. MWF. At least may sked na. Sanayan lang.
B: Siyam na. Ganun talaga. Magtaka kayo kapag ‘di nasira. ‘Yun ang nakakatakot.
C: Isang beses pa lang naman. Grabe naman kayo. Napaka-nega. Inaano ba kayo ng MRT!?

Answer:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Letter B. Siyam na. At least consistent. Gusto yatang i-break ang more than 500 glitches na naitala last year.

10: ACCEPTED. Tinanggap na ni Pangulong Duterte ang pagbibitiw sa tungkulin ni Pulong Duterte. Ano raw ang sinabi ng pangulo matapos tanggapin ang resignation ng kanyang panganay?
A: Mag-focus ka na lang sa smuggling………… Juk lang!
B: Tumakbo ka na lang miyor ‘pag sinador na si Inday Sara.
C: Sa’n ka na ngayon kukuha ng pantustos sa luho ng anak mo? Sa triad? Juk lang ulit.

Answer:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
None of the above. Pwede rin namang “All of the above.” Juk lang.

1FireandFury
Bonus Question:
TELL-ALL. Lumabas na ang eksplosibong aklat na ‘Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House’ ng American journalist na si Michael Wolff. Former Trump strategist Steve Bannon, who was quoted in the book, said some members of the First Family believe, “The first woman president would not be Hillary Clinton; it would be ________.” Sino raw?
A: Ivanka Trump
B: Melania Trump
C: Kellyanne Conway

Answer:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The answer is Letter D. Sandra Cam. Juk lang. It’s A. Ivanka Trump! According to Bannon, Ivanka sees herself running for the highest seat in the land. Sara Duterte, ikaw ba ‘yan?

Did you do well?
9-10 pts.: You are awesome.
7-8: Good!
5-6: Ang lakas ng tsamba.
4 and below: Where have you been bitch?
___________________________________________________________________________
“The measure of a man is what he does with power.”
~Plato

Sound Bites
“Shortly after 8 p.m. on Election Night, when the unexpected trend — Trump might actually win — seemed confirmed, Don Jr. told a friend that his father, or DJT, as he calls him, looked as if he had seen a ghost. Melania was in tears — and not of joy.”
~Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House

Be careful what you wish for.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Win Gatchalian: PhilStarNews; Joel Reyes: Philippine Star; Book: TheNet.ng]





2018: MGA HULA AT BABALA

29 12 2017

HERE’S what’s in store for you in 2018 – Year of the Dog. Happy New Year everyone!

1RatRAT: 2008, 1996, 1984, 1972, 1960
Kung hindi ka mag-iingat, mahuhulihan ka ng droga sa kalagitnaan ng taon. Kung mahirap ka at hindi kilala, mabubulok ka sa kulungan. Kung artista ka at sikat ang angkan, wala kang problema: madidismis ang iyong kaso. Pero hindi pa huli ang lahat. Kung ikaw ay mahirap, may time ka pang pasukin ang showbiz. Good luck!

Health: Mag-reduce.
Love: Wala ka pa ring swerte. Manalamin.

1OxOX: 2009, 1997, 1985, 1973, 1961
Wala pa ring pagbabago sa iyo sa darating na taon. Mas magiging aktibo ka pa nga sa pamba-bash sa social media. Ang cheap mo talaga!

Health: Sukatin ang waistline. Ihanda ang sarili sa matutuklasan.
Love: Kung hindi na kayo masaya sa isa’t isa, you both deserve it.

1Ti
TIGER: 2010, 1998, 1986, 1974, 1962
Ilang beses kang mali-late sa trabaho dahil tuwing sasakay ka sa MRT, masisiraan ito. Mapipilitan kang tanungin ang sarili mo – Sino ba talagang malas: ako o ang gobyerno?

Health: Walking is good for your body. Sa ayaw mo man o sa gusto, mapapadalas ang paglalakad mo –  sa riles ng tren.
Love: Kung hindi ka na happy, let go. Sayang lang ang gastos mo.

1RabbitRABBIT: 2011, 1999, 1987, 1975, 1963
Sisikat ka ngayong 2018. Magti-trend ang isang video kung saan makikitang minumura mo ang nakagitgitang taxi driver.

Health: Magpa-check ng BP regularly.
Love: Mabait lang talaga siya sa ‘yo. Hanggang doon lang ‘yon. Huwag bigyang-kulay.

1DragDRAGON: 2012, 2000, 1988, 1976, 1964
Ito ang luckiest sign. Ngayong 2018, lalo kang susuwertehin kung magpapalagay ka ng dragon tattoo sa iyong likod. Makipagkaibigan sa mga taong ang pangalan ay ‘Paolo,’ ‘Charlie, ‘Tan,’ ‘Kenneth, ‘Dong,’ ‘Peter,’ ‘Lim,’ o ‘Nani’ upang kumita nang malaki.

Health: Huwag araw-arawin ang ‘cheat day.’
Love: Ilang years ka nang single, ‘di ka pa ba sanay?!

1SNSNAKE: 2013, 2001, 1989, 1977, 1965
Palihim kang pag-uusapan ng iyong Facebook friends dahil lagi kang nag-shi-share at nagla-like ng fake news ng mga pro-Duterte bloggers.  Huwag gullible. [Para mas harsh: Huwag tanga.]

Health: Kumunsulta sa psychologist.
Love: Mas masaya ka kung nag-iisa. ‘Yan ang totoo.

1HORHORSE: 2014, 2002, 1990, 1978, 1966
Posibleng masangkot ka sa anomalya sa iyong opisina. Pero ‘wag mag-alala. Kung sa Duterte government ka nagtatrabaho, baka ilipat ka lang sa ibang pwesto. ‘Wag mawalan ng pag-asa.

Health: Hindi nakakabawas ng timbang ang pagpisil sa stress ball. Mag-exercise ka!
Love: Be the one that got away. Maiba naman.

1shpGOAT: 2015, 2003, 1991, 1979, 1967
Matapos mag-Starbucks, mawawala ka for 48 hours. Walang maghahanap sa ‘yo.

Health: Hindi uubra ang “After 6” diet sa ‘yo kung maghapon ka namang lumalamon.
Love: Ipa-check-up ang puso mo. Pagod na pagod na kasi ito sa katitibok sa taong hindi naman pumapansin sa ‘yo.

1monkMONKEY: 2016, 2004, 1992, 1980, 1968
Maganda ang pasok ng taon. Dahil sa nilagdaang Tax Reform for Acceleration and Inclusion (TRAIN) Law, tataas ang sweldo. Ang bad news: wala ka pa ring trabaho. Dasal lang. Dasal lang talaga.

Health: Ok sana ang ginagawa mong pagtakbo. ‘Yun nga lang, laging sa ref ang punta mo.
Love: Mag-focus na lang sa mga pamangkin. At least, they’ll love you back.

1roosROOSTER: 2017, 2005, 1993, 1981, 1969
Malaki ang posibilidad na mapaaway ka na naman sa social media dahil sa iyong pananaw sa pulitika. Bawasan ang pagiging patola.

Health: Huwag magbasa ng online comments para hindi ma-stress.
Love: Makikilala mo na finally ang taong mamahalin mo. Ang tanong: mamahalin ka kaya niya?

1DogDOG: 2018, 2006, 1994, 1982, 1970
Makakahanap ka ng trabaho ngayong 2018. Aalukin kang maging keyboard warrior ng Duterte government. In short, troll. Nasa sa ‘yo na kung alin ang pipiliin mo: pera o prinsipyo.

Health: Kapansin-pansin talaga ang double chin mo. ‘Di ka ba naco-conscious?
Love: Darating din ‘yan. Siguro, mga 12 years pa. Be patient.

1PigPIG: 2019, 2007, 1995, 1983, 1971
Mag-aaway kayo sa social media ng iyong ama. Feeling mo, ito na ang chance mong makilala ng masa. Pero walang papansin sa away n’yong dalawa. Sabihin mo sa tatay mo, maging vice mayor o drug smuggler muna siya.

Health: Hindi ka tumataba dahil sa suot mong shirt. Mataba ka lang talaga. Mag-diet.
Love: Matagal na siyang nakapag-move on. Ikaw kaya, kailan?
____________________________________________________________________________________
“The best way to predict the future is to create it.”
~Peter Drucker

724RapplerPutangIna
Sound Bites
“Duterte has made a mockery of rule of law in his country. While he is not your typical corrupt leader, he has empowered corruption in an innovative way. His death squads have allegedly focused on criminals but, in fact, are less discriminating. He has empowered a bully-run system of survival of the fiercest. In the end, the Philippines is more corrupt, more cruel, and less democratic.”
~Organized Crime and Corruption Reporting Project on its decision to name Duterte ‘Person of the Year’

Congratulations!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte: Inquirer.net; Animal Signs: Travel China Guide]





SANTA CLAUS RESIGNS (ALMOST!)

26 12 2017

00sana
Good morning!

Bago pa man pumasok ang taong 2017 ay binalak ko nang ihayag ang isang malaking desisyon sa buhay ko. Naghintay ako ng halos isa pang taon upang ipaalam ito sa inyo.

Ginawa ko ang aking tungkulin nitong nakaraang mga araw. Pinasaya ko ang maraming bata sa iba’t ibang panig ng mundo: namahagi ako ng mga laruan, sumayaw ako sa kanilang harapan, at nakipag-selfie sa napakaraming pamilya. Nakatataba ng pusong makita ang matatamis nilang mga ngiti.

Noong mismong araw ng Pasko, inihanda ko na ang sarili ko. Ihahayag ko na ang planong pagbibitiw sa aking mabigat na tungkulin. Sa totoo lang, hindi birong maglakbay sa mga bahay-bahay, magbuhat ng mabibigat na kahon ng regalo at lumusot sa masikip at maduming chimney (‘Tong taba kong ito, isipin n’yo na lang ang hirap na dinadanas ko). Ilang taon ko nang ginagawa ang mga bagay na ito. Pagod na pagod na ako. Kailangan ko nang magpahinga.

Ngunit habang naghahanda sa pagsasapubliko ng aking desisyon, may nang-agaw ng eksena. Nagbitiw din siya. Inunahan niya ang announcement ko. Kesyo kailangan daw niyang protektahan ang kanyang karangalan. As if pinilit natin siyang makipag-away sa kanyang anak sa social media. Kesyo bata pa raw ay tinuruan na siya ng kahalagahan ng delicadeza. Isa pang as if! Kaya pala kasa-kasama niya sa mga parties at events ang mga taong isinasangkot sa smuggling ng bilyun-bilyong pisong halaga ng shabu shipment.

Muntik ko nang maibato ang isang kahon ng regalo sa mukha ng isang bata nang mabasa ko ang reaksyon ni Tito Sotto. He was in his usual ‘Tito Sotto’ self. Sabi niya, “He deserves our respect.” Ho-ho-ho-ly sh*t! Also, muntik ko na ring itumba ang katabi kong Christmas tree nang ilarawan ni JV Ejercito ang pagbibitiw bilang, “ultimate sacrifice.” P*tang i*a! For the first time, napamura ako.

‘Di hamak namang mas malaking sakripisyo ang ginagawa ko ‘no! In fact, dahil sa pagiging philanthropist, minsan na rin akong nag-No. 1 sa listahan ng Forbes ng “richest fictional characters.” Pero nagreklamo ako sa Forbes! Tawagin ba naman akong “fictional!” Milyun-milyong bata ang nasaktan nang mabasa nila ang article. So ang ginawa ko, pinatunayan ko sa Forbes na hindi ako fictional. Pumirma ako ng bank waiver. At ipinakita ko ang aking reindeer tattoo sa likod!

Isang Pasko na naman ang lumipas. Na-realize ko, bakit ako magre-resign ngayon eh nagawa ko naman ang promises ko sa mga bata?  Hindi ako nagyabang na in three to six months, I will deliver. Ang sabi ko kasi, in 12 months. At natupad ko ‘yun. Without extension! Ang dapat mag-resign, ‘yong puro promises!

Siguro sa Dec. 25, 2018 ko na lang itutuloy ang pagbibitiw… unless, may mang-agaw na naman ng eksena at unahan ako sa announcement. Malay natin.

Ho-ho-ho!
______________________________________________________________________________________
“All good drama has two movements, first the making of the mistake, then the discovery that it was a mistake.”
~W.H. Auden

Sound Bites
“When a president often brags about his penchant for violence, when he urges police to kill drug suspects — and they do — it can be hard to tell boastful fiction from bloody fact.”
~The Washington Post

Mismo.

[Photos: Paolo Duterte: ABS-CBN News]





EXCLUSIVE! DUTERTE’S CHRISTMAS MESSAGE

20 12 2017

Christmas Message
of
Rodrigo Roa Duterte
President of the Philippines

[Taped last December 20, 2017 at the Rizal Ceremonial Hall, Malacañan Palace]

Untitled
Mga kababayan,

Sandali. Hindi ko na lang basahin ‘tong speech. Pakahaba ng put*ng i*a. Sabihin ko na lang ang gusto kong Xmas message sa kanila. Ba’t ba may speech-speech na prepared pa? Pwede namang magsalita na lang ako. Makinig na lang kayo. Ganito!

Sabi ko noong isang taon, ‘pag ‘di ko nahinto ang druga sa loob ng anim na buwan, mag-resign man ako. After more than one year, may druga pa rin. So anong gawin ko? Mag-resign ako? No way! Hindi ko ugaling mang-iwan sa iri. Kaya galit na galit ang mga dilaw kasi hindi ako nag-resign. Bakit kayo magagalit? Sa inyo ba ako nangako? Naniwala ba kayo sa promise ko? Hindi naman ah. Ang naniwala man sa promises ko eh ang 16 million na voters ko. Kaya sila lang ang dapat magalit kung ‘di ko natupad ang pangako ko. Eh hindi nga sila nagagalit so inis na inis ang dilawan. Mamatay kayo sa inggit.

Ba’t ko sinasabi ito? Kasi ngayong Pasko, marami na naman d’yang ninong at ninang na nag-promise magregalo sa inaanak. Promise ng ganito, ganyan. Pero dahil walang pira, walang regalo sa araw ng Pasko. Tapos magtatampo ang magulang ng bata kasi umasa ang anak niya. Tang ina! Ba’t kayo magagalit? May patago ba kayo? Kung magbigay ang ninong, salamat. Kung hindi magbigay, manahimik kayo mga gago!

Kagabi, narinig kong binasahan man ng istorya ni Sara si Stonefish, ‘yong apo ako. Christmas story. Sabi sa kwento, masama raw si Haring Herodes kasi ipinapatay niya ang mga bata sa Jerusalem. Nag-init man ang ulo ko. Sabi ko kay Sara, “Inday, ang bata-bata pa ni Stonefish, tinuruan mo agad ng kasinungalingan. Siniraan mo pa si Herodes.”

Makinig kayo mga Kristiyano, lalo na kayong mga Katoliko. Ang dapat na ginawa n’yo – inalam n’yo muna ang panig ni Herodes. Hindi ‘yong husga agad kayo nang husga kahit ‘di n’yo pa naririnig ang panig nung tao! Baka naman justified ang pagpatay niya sa mga bata noong panahong ‘yon. Bago kayo mag-conclude, magtanong muna kayo mga tarantado!

Bakit ko sinasabi ito? Eh kasi, ‘yang putang inang UN na ‘yan ‘tsaka ‘yang Amnesty International at kung anu-anong pisting human rights-human rights groups na nakikialam sa aking gobyerno, wala nang ginawa kundi magbintang; bumatikos! Hidline sa diyaryo nila sa Amerika, ‘Duterte cops kill children,” “Duterte death squads murder slum dwellers.” Putang ina n’yo. Lamunin n’yo ang human rights n’yo. I will not allow drug addicts to ruin the lives of my people. If I had to kill them myself, I’ll do it just to protect the Filipinos.

Mabalik ako kay Herodes. Baka nakakalimutan n’yong siya ang hari noon! May karapatan siyang gawin anumang gusto n’ya. Parang presidente lang ‘yan. Kung ayaw n’yo sa ginagawa ko, eh ‘di tang ina, kayo na dito sa pwesto ko. Akala n’yo gusto kong maging presidente? ‘Pag ako nabwisit, mag-resign talaga ako. Iwanan ko man kayo d’yan! Tingnan natin kung ano mangyari sa inyo. Tang ina. ‘Tsaka bago n’yo pag-initan si Haring Herodes, pag-initan n’yo muna ang haring dilawan na bumili ng Dengvaxia vaccine! Mas maraming bata ang mamamatay dahil dun. Gago!

Ilang araw na lang Pasko na. Sana malipol man ‘yong mga inggitero. Bakit ko nasabi ‘to? Eh kasi pati pagpapa-picture ng aking apo, ginawang isyu. Tang ina. Bago kayo mag-ambisyon ng photo shoot sa palasyo, maging apo muna kayo ng pangulo, tangna nyu!

Untitled
Galawin n’yo nang lahat, awayin n’yo nang lahat, ‘wag lang ang pamilya ko! Pisting yawa kayo! Si Pulong, ayaw pa ring tigilan sa isyu ng smuggling! Nasaan ang ebidensya n’yo? Si Pulong pinag-iinitan n’yo pero sina Joseph at Mary, ok lang? Tatahimik-tahimik kayo! O, bakit? ‘Di ba sabi sa Bible, pagkapanganak kay Hesus sa Jerusalem, palihim itong dinala nina Jose at Maria sa Egypt? ‘Di ba smuggling ng bata ‘yun? Bago kayo magmalinis – lalo na kayong mga paring Katoliko, alamin n’yo muna ang history n’yo mga gago!

Sa mga rape joke ko, galit na galit kayo – pero ang mga bastos na kanta n’yo ‘pag Pasko, pinapatugtog n’yo pa! Tang ina! O, bakit? ‘Yong mommy na nakikipaghalikan kay Santa Claus, gawain ba ng matinong babae ‘yon? Gawain ni De Lima ‘yun! May asawang tao tapos lumalandi sa ibang lalaki! At ‘tsaka ‘yang si Santa Claus, hindi ba stalker ‘yan?!? He knows when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake. ‘Yan ang dapat n’yong katakutan at hindi ang mga pulis ko! ‘Wag na ‘wag lang dadaan sa tapat ng bahay namin ‘yan, itumba ko talaga ‘yang matandang ‘yan.

Sa Lunes, pangalawang Pasko na tayong magkakasama. Siguro itatanong ng mga dilawan, “Bakit? Ano bang nagawa mo na?” Sira-ulo ang mga walanghiya. ‘Di ba sila nagbibilang? Lampas 13,000 na yata! Dadagdagan pa natin ’yan next year. Human rights, human rights, ipakain ko sa inyo ang human rights n’yo! Fuck you.

O, sino ‘yang sumisenyas sa likod? Bakit?!? Mahaba na ba? Ano ‘yang sinisenyas mo? Dalawang minuto? Gago. Wala naman kayong sinabing two minutes lang ‘to!

Nalimutan ko pala… kay De Lima, baka sabihin mo naman napakasama kong tao. Padalhan na lang kita ng fruit cake sa driver ko. ‘Tang ina, wag mong galawin ang driver ko, matanda na ‘yon ‘day! At kay Sereno, pasalamat ka’t bakasyon na ang mga tuta ko sa Kongreso. Magdasal-dasal ka na ngayong Pasko! Balikan kita sa Enero.

Merry Christmas sa inyong lahat. At ‘wag kayong mag-alala, hangga’t nandito ako sa pwesto, lalabanan nating lahat ang druga. Druga. Druga. Druga.

At higit sa lahat, druga! ‘Tang ina!
________________________________________________________________________________

“Killing people isn’t progress.”
~Athan Fletcher, ‘The Swordsman and The Priestess’

Sound Bites
“He has proven to be a partisan investigator driven by hubris and scornful of his colleagues, whose entirely avoidable mistakes become the administration’s too. The majority should consider replacing him.”
~Editorial, ‘Flush Gordon’

Elsewhere
Investigative Report: The Boys From Davao (Reuters)
This is Police Station 6 in Quezon City, part of the Philippines’ sprawling capital. Officers here killed 108 people in the first year of President Rodrigo Duterte’s drug war, making it Quezon City’s deadliest station. Leading its drug squad were police from Duterte’s distant hometown. They lived on the roof and called themselves the “Davao Boys.”

[Photo: Duterte: Inquirer.net; Duterte 2: Rappler]





MASS MURDER, MARTIAL LAW, MALACAÑANG & OTHER STORIES

16 12 2017

FOR THE second time in the last five months, a party-list representative from Sulu – identified in the news as Shernee Tan proposed the declaration of martial law nationwide. When Duterte heard this, he texted Tan and asked, “Sa’n mo ba gustong ma-appoint?”

1TAN
According to party-list representative Shernee Tan, Congress must expand martial law in Luzon and the Visayas because of the presence of Communist rebels. If approved, Tan would next propose the declaration of martial law in Utrecht, The Netherlands.

Defense Secretary Delfin Lorenzana says it is not advisable to declare martial law in the Visayas and Luzon since CPP-NPA operations in those areas are “manageable.” Unlike Shernee Tan’s state of mind.

1SyjucoRappler
Mass Murder
Former TESDA chief Augusto Syjuco Jr. has filed mass murder and plunder charges against former president Noynoy Aquino in connection with the Dengvaxia vaccine controversy. When Duterte saw this in the news, he told Syjuco, “Isa-isa lang, hinahanapan ko pa ng puwesto si Shernee Tan.”

Former TESDA chief  Augusto Syjuco Jr. went to the Ombudsman’s office Friday and filed “mass murder” charges against former president Noynoy Aquino. Again, MASS MURDER! Syjuco is starting to worry though because his evidence – the “murder” victims, are still alive.

Syjuco & The Ombudsman
Syjuco: Madam Ombudsman, kakasuhan ko si Noynoy Aquino!

Ombudsman: Anong kaso?

Syjuco: Plunder tapos mass murder!

Ombudsman: May ibinulsa ba?

Syjuco: Hindi ko alam.

Ombudsman: May mga namatay ba?

Syjuco: Hindi ko rin alam.

Ombudsman: Eh ‘yong term na TANGA, alam mo?

Syjuco:

Ombudsman: Nagtatanong lang!

* * * * *

Syjuco: Madam Ombudsman, kakasuhan ko si Noynoy Aquino ng mass murder!

Ombudsman: Ok.

Syjuco: Kakasuhan ko rin siya ng plunder!

Ombudsman: Ok.

Syjuco: Kakasuhan ko siya ng mass murder at plunder.

Ombudsman: Ok. May ebidensya ka ba?

Syjuco: Ako na nga ang bahala sa kaso, pati ba naman ebidensya ako pa rin?!?

Ombudsman:

Syjuco: Tanong ho ‘yon. Nagtatanong lang din.

* * * * *

Syjuco: Madam Ombudsman, kakasuhan ko si Noynoy Aquino ng plunder!

Ombudsman: Ok.

Syjuco: Kakasuhan ko rin siya ng mass murder!

Ombudsman: Ok.

Syjuco: Mabibigat na kaso ’yan: plunder at mass murder.

Ombudsman: Ok. Nasaan ang ebidensya?

Syjuco: Kayo na ang maghanap, trabaho n’yo na yun.

Ombudsman: Ano ngang pangalan mo?

Syjuco: Augusto Syjuco.

Ombudsman: Akala ko Larry Gadon.

Syjuco:

Ombudsman: Sure kang ‘di ka si Larry Gadon?

1debutjeffgalang
Photo Shoot
Paolo ‘Pulong’ Duterte’s daughter, Isabelle had a pre-debut photo shoot in Malacañang Palace no less! A glam team was invited to do the shoot. Rumors say Isabelle’s upcoming debut party has a budget of P6.4B.

Less than a month ago, the daughter of Duterte supporter, Robin Padilla was baptized at the Malago Clubhouse in Malacañang with President Duterte as ninong. Binyag. Birthday. And lest we forget, Malacañang has been promoting ‘libing’ since Duterte took office. #EventsPlace

In Other News…
Bureau of Customs collector Vincent Philip Maronilla who was implicated by PDEA in the smuggling of a shabu shipment worth P6.4B has been appointed by President Duterte as Customs district collector at the Ninoy Aquino International Airport. Maronilla thanked the President for the promotion and promised that he would be extra careful next time – for himself, his family, and Pulong Duterte.
————————————————————————————————————————————–
“There’s money, and then there’s class. The two are often separated.”
~Kate Jacobs

Sound Bites
“The purpose was there. We’re just using each other, and I was using them.”
~Rodrigo Duterte on the Philippine Communist Movement

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Sheree Tan: Philippine Star ; Augusto Syjuco: Rappler; Isabelle Duterte: Jeff Galang]





THE READER

9 12 2017

GOVERNMENT-PAID “blogger” Mocha Uson recently posted a photo of herself reading, and surrounded by books. The set of law books was apparently a gift from DPWH Sec. Mark Villar. Netizens had fun mocking what they believed was a “staged” photo session. Staged or not, the picture is definitely meme-worthy.

1Brillante

* * * * *
* * * * *

1LordDigong

* * * * *
* * * * *

1LarrGadon

* * * * *
* * * * *

1MarkVillar2

* * * * *
* * * * *

1Dengvaxia

* * * * *
* * * * *

1MamaPapa.jpg

* * * * *
* * * * *

1RoevWade

* * * * *
* * * * *

1Staged

* * * * *
* * * * *

1KamaSutra

* * * * *
* * * * *

1MissU

* * * * *
* * * * *

1MMDA
In Other News…
Reporters slammed MMDA asst. manager for planning Jojo Garcia for joking about killing journalists who wrote “nega” articles about the agency. Garcia reportedly said, “Nasaan na ‘yong kuwarenta’y singko (.45 caliber) ko? Ipatokhang natin ‘yan.” Offended reporters described Garcia’s joke as “tasteless,” “insensitive” and “very presidential.”

Rewarded
Controversial former jueteng bagman-turned-whistleblower Sandra Cam has been appointed by President Duterte to the  board of government cash-cow, PCSO. When she heard this, Vivian Velez was like, “What else should I do? Kulang pa ba?”

Speed Limit
From 60kph, the Metro Manila Development Authority has reduced the “speed limit” on EDSA to 50kph. Which begs the question, why the need to impose a speed limit on a parking lot?

Yes, the MMDA has set the speed limit on EDSA at 50kph. You know what else do we need? A stupidity limit in government offices.
________________________________________________________________________________
“Society has become so fake that the truth actually bothers people.”
~Chanda Kaushik

Sound Bites
“These silence breakers have started a revolution of refusal, gathering strength by the day, and in the past two months alone, their collective anger has spurred immediate and shocking results: nearly every day, CEOs have been fired, moguls toppled, icons disgraced.”
~TIME on The Silence Breakers, Person of the Year

Well-deserved.

[Photos: Mocha Uson Facebook; MMDA Jojo Garcia: Rambo Talabong/Rappler]





ONE BIG FIGHT

4 12 2017

1Ateneo
CONGRATULATIONS to the Ateneo Blue Eagles for winning the UAAP Season 80 men’s basketball title. In the next few days, expect to see them in news programs and other TV shows in major local and cable networks. And don’t be surprised if Duterte fanatic Sass Sasot starts questioning why those players from “a very minor league” are being invited as guests.

It was a see-saw battle between La Salle and Ateneo in the second half of Game 3. In the end though, the Ateneo Blue Eagles prevailed, 88-86. The fight was so close Bongbong Marcos thought DLSU should consider filing a protest.

1Joaqui
While Thirdy Ravena was named Finals MVP, it was big man Isaac Go’s clutch shooting that generated more buzz. He sort of SAVED Ateneo with his end-game heroics – doing it thrice starting with that booming trey in the Final 4 match against FEU. The Duterte government badly needs an Isaac Go. Unfortunately, it could only give us a Bong Go.

The Ateneo Blue Eagles have won. They ruled the UAAP men’s basketball. They’re on top. Rumors say some Ateneo fanatics are pushing for a revolutionary team to win more titles.

The do-or-die game between La Salle and Ateneo was another epic thriller. Basketball fans absolutely loved it. The only thing I hated about the finals was…. UP’s not playing.

1the guidon
Businessman Manny V. Pangilinan, Ateneo’s No. 1 supporter, is reportedly giving each member of the championship team an iPhone X. On behalf of the team, Thirdy Ravena thanked MVP, and promised to not use “Viber too much” like his Kuya Kiefer.

The De La Salle Green Archers have been dethroned. Some are blaming Coach Aldin Ayo. Others say it’s the foul trouble. And some fans are blaming Pia Wurtzbach.

Green Archer Ricci Rivero was quoted to have said, “Siguro will ni God na nanalo sila. Di kami nag-pray na sana manalo. Nag-pray kami na whatever happens, sana ‘yong will ni Papa Jesus ang mangyari.” When sought for confirmation, God said, “Nanisi pa ang batang ‘to. ’Pag talo, talo.”

On Twitter, former Ateneo Blue Eagle Chris Tiu said, “That Isaac Go shot was blessed by St. Francis Xavier, whose feast we celebrate today & patron of Xavier School where Isaac went to HS.” Even St. Francis Xavier was like, “Sige, kunek pa more!”

1dlsu
In a display of sportsmanship, the façade of the St. La Salle Building at the DLSU campus was decked in blue lights on Sunday night after the game. Classy! Next year, that building will turn maroon.

Meanwhile… the Adamson Pep Squad pulled off an upset when it dethroned five-peat seeking NU Pep Squad and beating traditional powerhouses UP Pep Squad and FEU Cheering Squad in the 2017 UAAP Cheerdance Competition. UP’s lackluster performance resulted in the squad’s worst finish in the annual contest. They only placed 6th. Another “schadenfreude moment” for Sara Duterte.

In Other News…
According to the latest SWS survey, the number of Filipinos who considered themselves “poor” increased by three percent in the third quarter of 2017 — prompting President Duterte to doubt the success of the PNP’s Oplan Tokhang.

“Laos”
Following the government’s termination of the peace talks with the CPP-NPA-NDF, presidential spokesman Harry Roque slammed the Communist movement saying, “Passé na at out of tune na ang ipinaglalaban ng CPP-NPA. Laos na ‘yan.” Offended, CPP-NPA founder Jose Maria Sison immediately drafted a counter-statement using his typewriter.
__________________________________________________________________________________
“Win without boasting. Lose without excuse.”
~Albert Payson Terhune

Sound Bites
“Iniwan na nga sila ng China. Kapitalista na ‘yung mga idol nila sa bansa ni Mao Tse Tung. Laos na ‘yan. Kailangan mag-move on na din sila.”
~Harry Roque on the CPP-NPA

“It will NOT be a ‘revolution’ starting a ‘revolutionary government’ the likes started by Bonifacio, Mandela, Gandhi, Cory Aquino, Washington, Bolivar, Sun Yat Sen, all coming from the outside to change the rottenness from within. It will be a scheming take-over the likes started by Hitler, Mussolini, Tojo and Marcos, people already in the corridors of power wanting more power to rule and not to serve. That is plain despotism.”
~Dean Mel Sta Maria at the University of the Philippines School of Economics Auditorium (Nov. 30) speaking before students coming from all over Metro Manila.

Indeed.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: ADMU: Mark Demayo/ABSCBN News; Isaac Go: Joaqui Flores/Tiebreaker Times; Thirdy Ravena: The Guidon; DLSU: The La Sallian]





IN A HARRY

26 11 2017

HARRY ROQUE, a human rights lawyer-turned-Duterte defender & apologist and potential PDP-Laban candidate for senator took an LRT and MRT ride recently. TV cameras showed him buying a ticket bound for 2019.

Describing his experience, Harry Roque said, “It’s cold and I like it.” The only thing colder was the treatment he got from the other passengers.

1Harry Roque

Exclusive: Transcript of Harry Roque’s conversations with commuters

Harry Roque : O Kuya, napansin ko pagpasok ko ng tren, nakangiti ka. Ok ba ang biyahe mo?

Passenger: It was! Until you came.

Roque:

Passenger:

Roque: O, lipat naman tayo kay Ate sa harap. Ate, kumusta?

* * * * *

Roque: Manong, kumusta ang biyahe natin?

Passenger: Heto, nakatayo na naman. Akala ko nga kanina makakaupo na ako kasi nauna naman ako sa pila. Eh biglang may mga guwardiyang humawi sa amin dahil may ini-escortan yatang kung sinong VIP. ‘Tang inang ‘yon, abala sa biyahe. Nakita mo ba kung sino ‘yon?

Roque: Naku! Hindi eh.

Passenger: Pasalamat siya at ‘di ko nakita ang pagmumukha niya. Kung hindi, duduraan ko talaga siya.

Roque:

Passenger: At babalyahin paglabas!

Roque: Manong, dito ka na. Palit na tayo ng puwesto. Bababa na pala ako sa next station.

2Harry Roque

Roque: In fairness, wala namang aberya. Hindi na masama. Ang lamig pa. Wait, si Kuya si likod, nagtataas ng kamay.

Passenger: Sir, Levy Jamora ho, tubong Masbate. Ang unang tanong ko

Roque: Teka, what do you mean “unang tanong?”

Passenger: Ay! Hindi ho ba presscon ito? Naghakot kasi kayo ng reporters eh.

Roque:

Passenger: Pa-selfie na lang ho. Pwede?

* * * * *

Roque: Hi Ma’am! Kumusta po?

Passenger: Anong kumusta?!?! Punyeta ka. Magpapapogi ka rin lang, nagsama ka pa ng bodyguards at sangkaterbang reporters! Alam mo ba kung gaano kahirap sumakay ng tren leche ka?! Forty-five minutes kaming naghintay tapos aagawan n’yo pa ng space eh siksikan na nga. Gamitin mo naman ang utak mo! Akala mo ba iboboto kita sa 2019? Ulol! Tae ka sa balota ko. Wala kang maaasahang boto sa amin gago!

Roque: Grabe. Ang daming sinabi, nangumusta lang naman ako.

Passenger: May ibinubulong ka d’yan?!?

Roque: Ang sabi ko ho, next time, ‘di na ako mangungumusta! #imbernadettesembrano #ynezveneracion #bwisethrogen #missuniverse #philippines

* * * * *

Roque: Hi Ate. Ganda naman ng bag mo. Anyway, ano sa tingin mo ang dapat gawin ng gobyerno para maiwasan ang araw-araw na hassle n’yo sa pagsakay sa tren?

Passenger: Dapat ho yata bawat pasahero may bodyguards tapos napapaligiran ng reporters.

Roque:

Passenger: Aminin mo, effective! Nakaupo ka pa nga ‘di ba?

* * * * *

Roque: Ale, kumusta ho ang pagsakay n’yo sa MRT?

Passenger: Uy!!! Familiar ang buhok mo Sir! Sino ka nga ba?

Roque: Guess.

Passenger: Secretary Aguirre?

Roque: Gaga! Hindi!

Passenger: Juana Change?

Roque: Excuse me!

Passenger: Ang hirap naman. Wala bang clue?

Roque: My name starts with H!

Passenger: Ahhhhh! Humpty Dumpty!

Roque: Puta ka. Not funny. Name calling ‘yan.

Passenger: H ‘di ba?

Roque: Yes. ‘Tsaka R.

Passenger: H at R? Tama! Ikaw nga! Hodor!

Roque:

Passenger: Ay! Cubao na pala. Sige ho.

pac
Reports say a “fed up” Manny Pacquiao mulls quitting politics. In response, ‘politics’ said, “I can’t wait.”

A dismayed and discouraged Manny Pacquiao was quoted to have said, “In politics, you wouldn’t know what’s real or not. ” Ironically, he utters the same thing whenever he stares at his wife, Jinkee.
_______________________________________________________________________________
“Know that the amount of criticism you receive may correlate somewhat to the amount of publicity you receive.”
~Donald Rumsfeld

Sound Bites
“Indeed, the scriptwriters and show runners of the Sereno impeachment complaint must surely now realize that Gadon is the problem. This is the same person who, in a television interview, claimed outrageously that the solution to the peace problem in Mindanao was the extermination of Muslim Filipinos. He used the phrase ‘burahin ang lahi,’ or erase their race.”
~Inquirer Editorial, Gadon wasting our time

Nut case.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: PhilStar.com; Inquirer.net; PTV News]





“NO-BRAINER”

20 11 2017

RODRIGO DUTERTE’S party, the PDP-Laban has announced its initial list of potential candidates for senator in 2019. Controversial government propagandist Mocha Uson is on that list. Here’s how some politicians reacted when they bumped into Uson recently.

1mOCHApAC
Pacquiao: Uy, Mukah, congrats, magiging senador ka na.

Mocha: Thank you idol!

Pacquiao: Excited ako! Makakatrabaho na kita.

Mocha: Bakit idol? Nagtatrabaho ka ba?

Pacquiao:

Mocha: Jooooke!

* * * * *

Pacquiao: Grabi ka Mukah!! Magiging senador ka na pala.

Mocha: Thank you, idol! Narinig mo na pala ang balita.

Pacquiao: Oo naman. Congrats!

Mocha: Salamat idol! Excited na akong mag-isip ng bagong batas.

Pacquiao: Bakit? Nag-iisip ka ba?

Mocha:

Pacquiao: Jooooke! Akala mo ikaw lang?!

* * * * *

Pacquiao: Grabi! Kasama ka pala sa line-up ng PDP Laban.

Mocha: Oo idol! Pinilit ako eh; hindi naman ako makatanggi.

Pacquiao: Naku, pa’no ‘yan? Sabi nila, tanga ka raw. Iboboto ka kaya ng masa?

Mocha: Oo naman. Ibinoto ka nga nila, ‘di ba?

Pacquiao:

Mocha: Aminin mo, may point ako.

* * * * *

Pacquiao: Congrats Mukah, magiging senador ka na.

Mocha: Salamat idol! Kaya lang ang daming bumabatikos. Sabi nila, ‘pag nanalo raw ako, napakaraming bobo sa Pilipinas.

Pacquiao: ‘Wag mo silang pansinin. Inggit lang ang mga ‘yon. Hindi totoong maraming bobo sa ating bansa!

Mocha: Salamat idol. Ilan nga pala ang bumoto sa ‘yo noon?

Pacquiao: Mahigit 16 million.

Mocha: Naku! Marami nga!

Pacquiao: ‘Tang ina mo.

Mocha:

Pacquiao: Akala mo, joke? ‘Tang ina mo!

1sottomocha

Sotto: Congrats Mocha! Malapit na tayong magsama sa Senado.

Mocha: Salamat Tito Sen!

Sotto: Sus! Salamat lang? Pa-burger ka naman!

Mocha: Sus! Burger lang?! Kung gusto n’yo pa-Pepsi pa eh.

Sotto:

Mocha: Bakit Tito Sen? ‘Di ka ba nagso-soft drinks?!

* * * * *

Sotto: Uy! Senator Mocha Uson, congratulations.

Mocha: Grabe ka naman Tito Sen. Wala pa. Tatakbo pa lang.

Sotto: Pag nanalo ka, magkasama nating lalabanan ang mga dilawan!

Mocha: Kurek!

Sotto: Lalabanan natin ang “bias” na Inquirer, Rappler, at ABS-CBN!

Mocha: Kurek!

Sotto: Lalabanan natin ang minor bloggers!

Mocha: Kurek!

Sotto: Lalabanan natin ang nagpapakalat ng fake news!

Mocha:

Sotto:

Mocha: Baka may iba ka pang gustong labanan? Suggest ka pa.

1sottomocha

Mocha: Sir Harry Roque, sabi sa news, kasama tayo sa senate slate ng PDP Laban.

Roque: Eh ‘di mabuti. Congrats sa ‘tin!

Mocha: Salamat Sir. Excited na ako sa slate!

Roque: Teka, ano ba ‘yong “slate?”

Mocha: Basta ang sabi sa Rappler “slate.” Qinuote ko lang sila. Mali ba ‘yon?

Roque:

Mocha: Pucha! Fake news talaga ‘yang Rappler!

1sottomocha

Nancy Binay: Uy! Ikaw pala ‘yan Mocha. Narinig ko ang balita. In fairness sa ‘yo huh!

Mocha: Wala akong pakialam. ‘Wag ka nang mag-comment. Baka bumalik lang sa ‘yo.

Nancy:

Mocha:

Nancy: In fairness ulit, nabasa mo ang nasa utak ko. Tse!

* * * * *

Mocha: Boss, kasama ako sa listahan ng PDP Laban.

Martin Andanar: Eh ‘di mabuti. Sure win ka na. Sabi ko nga sa media, no-brainer.

Mocha: Ano ba ‘yung “no-brainer?”

Martin: ‘Pag ‘di na kailangang pag-isipan pa, at very obvious na – no-brainer.

Mocha: Ahhhh, ‘yon pala. Akala ko kasi ako ‘yung tinutukoy mo.

Martin: Hindi ‘no! Iba ang no-brainer sa no brain.

Mocha:

Martin: Wala akong sinabi huh! Sabi ko lang magkaiba ang dalawa.

download
Mocha: Tatay Digong, kasama ako sa listahan ng PDP Laban.

Duterte: Good! Gusto mo, samahan pa kita sa kampanya.

Mocha: Talaga po? Kahit mag-jeep lang tayo?

Duterte: No problem.

Mocha: Kahit sakay lang ng pedicab?

Duterte: Oo naman.

Mocha: Kahit sumakay sa MRT?

Duterte: ‘Tang ina. Ikaw na lang.

Mocha:

Duterte: ‘Wag ka na nga lang tumakbo!
___________________________________________________________________________________
“Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.”
~Plato

Sound Bites
“Kung tatakbo man po ako, ito po ay dahil si Pangulong Duterte na mismo ang nagpatakbo sa akin.”
~Mocha Uson on her possible Senate run

‘k.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Pacquiao/Mocha: ABSCBN News; Mocha/Sotto: Inquirer.net ; Mocha/Duterte/Roque; Malacañang Photo; MRT: Ivan Caballero Villegas]





KSP AND OTHER STORIES

13 11 2017

THE ASEAN Summit is underway in the Philippines. Leaders from Southeast Asia and the Asia-Pacific region are in attendance. There’s a fascist, a charmer, a human rights violator, a narcissist, a populist, and a megalomaniac. But enough about Rodrigo Duterte. Let’s talk about the other leaders.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau charmed his Filipino fans when he made a surprise visit to popular fast food chain, Jollibee. Not to be outdone, US President Donald Trump made a surprise visit to Hooters.

Here are other ASEAN Summit moments:
Honeyley

Honeylet: Papa, in fairness sa Barong Tagalog mo huh, bagay na bagay sa ‘yo.

Duterte: Sus, nambula ka na naman!

Honeylet: Hindi huh. Totoo ‘yon! ‘Wag ka nga lang pipikit kasi baka sabihin nila, parang natutulog ka lang.

Duterte: Ulol!

Harry
Aung San Suu Kyi:
Naku! Baka mabatikos ka Harry dahil nagpa-picture ka kasama ako. Sabi kasi nila, tinalikuran ko na raw ang pagsusulong ng human rights sa Myanmar.

Harry Roque:
Ok lang ‘yon Ma’am. Ako rin naman, tinalikuran ko na rin ang pagsusulong ng human rights sa Pilipinas!

1TrumpDuts1

1TrumpDuts2

1TrumpDuts3

SuuKyiDuts
Aung San Suu Kyi: Finally, na-meet din kita!

Duterte: Excited?? He-he Nice meeting you Madam.

Suu Kyi: Alam mo, we have something in common.

Duterte: Ano ‘yon?

Suu Kyi: Similar ang isyung ibinabato sa atin. Sa akin, Rohingya.

Duterte: Sa akin?

Suu Kyi: Walanghiya.

Duterte:

Suu Kyi: ‘Wag nang choosy. At least, hindi ko sinabing murderer.

Modi

Duterte: Alam mo Mr. Prime Minister, ikaw ang pinaka-petmalung lider sa summit!

Indian PM: Bakit naman?

Duterte: Eh kasi, ang last name mo, LODI.

Indian PM: Modi ‘yon, Narendra Modi. Hindi Lodi! Tanga!

Duterte:

Indian PM: Sensya, nabigla lang.

Samantala, in Vietnam…

Kathy Bates

“‘Tang ina, bored na bored na ako. ‘Pag wala pang kumausap sa akin in the next five minutes, itutulak ko itong si Kathy Bates na nasa harap ko.”

1IsabelLopez
#Pasaway
You’ve all heard about Maria Isabel Lopez and her EDSA stunt. On her Instagram account, the rabid Duterte supporter bragged about moving the divider cones and driving on the lane designated for ASEAN Summit delegates. For her bad behavior, netizens criticized the former actress and beauty titlist. For the same reason, Duterte considers appointing her to a government post.

Sasot
#Pasaway 2
Another Duterte fanatic, Sass Sassot, made a scene at the ASEAN Summit when she confronted a BBC correspondent. She questioned the reporter of the British network for giving airtime recently to Pinoy Ako Blog owner Jover Laurio, a Duterte critic. After confronting the reporter, Sassot was caught by TV cameras crying – prompting the reporters and bystanders to applaud and congratulate her because she finally got what she ultimately wanted: attention.

In case you missed it:
Sassy: Hoy Mr. BBC Reporter! Bakit si Jover Laurio ng Pinoy Ako Blog, may airtime sa BBC, pero ako – wala?!?

BBC Reporter: Sino ka ba?!

Sassy: Hindi mo ako nakikilala?!?

BBC Reporter: Sino ka nga?!

Sassy: My goodness! Sikat na sikat ako ngayon sa Pilipinas, pinag-uusapan, hindi mo ako nakikilala?

BBC Reporter: SUPER TEKLA??

Sassy: ‘Tang ina mo.

BBC Reporter: Ay, nagmura. Ka-DDS ka! Ka-DDS!

* * * * *

Sassy: Hoy Mr. BBC reporter, mas marami akong followers kaysa sa very minor blogger na si Jover Laurio a.k.a. Pinoy Ako Blog! Pero bakit ang impaktang ‘yon – na-interview n’yo sa BBC ‘tapos ako, hindi!?! Where’s the logic in there!?!

BBC: Mas marami kang followers??? Bakit? Ilan ba ang followers mo sa Twitter?

Sassy: 47,200

BBC: llan ang followers ni Jonalyn Viray?

Sassy: 217,000

BBC: Eh ‘di si Jonalyn Viray na lang ang i-interviewhin namin.

Sassy:

BBC: Logic!

* * * * *

Sassy: Hoy Mr. BBC Reporter! ‘Yang Jover Laurio na ‘yan, ‘yang hitad na Pinoy Ako Blog na ‘yan, iilan lang ang followers. Ako, marami! Minor blogger lang siya! Pero bakit… of all people, siya pa ang na-feature sa BBC! ‘Tapos ako, akong mas maraming followers, hindi pa nafi-feature!? Sumagot ka! Magpaliwanag ka!

BBC Reporter:

Sassy: O, ba’t natahimik ka? Magpaliwanag ka ngayon! Bakit si Pinoy Ako Blog ininterview ng BBC samantalang ako, hindi pa? Sumagot ka! Duwag! WALA KANG BAYAG!

BBC Reporter: Umabot ka talaga dun? Sige, pag-usapan natin ang BAYAG.

Sassy: Choppy ka. Sorry, choppy ka. Konting ikot. Wala akong marinig. Tawag ka na lang ulit.

Sasot2

Sassy: Hoy, Mr. BBC Reporter, can you explain? Bakit si Pinoy Ako Blog na isang very minor blogger, ininterview n’yo sa BBC? Pero ako, na mas malaki ang following, hindi n’yo pa napi-feature! WHY?!? Alam mo bang unfair kayo? Alam mo bang biased kayo dahil isang side lang ang pini-feature n’yo? Sino ang backer ni Pinoy Ako Blog? Sino ang nasa likod ng guesting n’ya? Sino ang lumakad para ma-interview siya ng BBC? Sino ang may pakana ng lahat ng ito? SINOOOO?

BBC: Are you done? Ako naman! Sino naman itong babaeng nasa tabi mo na mukhang tanga at mukhang ewan dahil nakatulala lang at hindi man lang mag-attempt na sawayin ka sa pagbubunganga mo gayong inaatake mo ang isang lehitimong journalist? Para siyang isang tumpok na tae sa kalsada na nandiyan lang pero hindi mo nakita kaya nayapakan mo! SINO SIYA?!?

Sassy:

BBC: Sorry. Na-carried away.

Mocha: Pakyu!
___________________________________________________________________________________
“There are so many attention whores out there, prostituting for people’s acknowledgment.”
~Jason Myers

Sound Bites
“Can you tell me how is it possible that Jover Laurio, a very minor blogger in the Philippines was featured by the BBC in order to defend herself… but not someone like me whose social media following is way way higher than her?”
~Sass Sasot, Duterte supporter and propagandist to BBC correspondent Jonathan Head

“Sweetie, last year BBC tried to get in touch with me for an interview, too. If they want to talk to you, they will find you. Do the math.”
~Actress Agot Isidro (via Twitter)

Burn.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Harry Roque; @JustinTrudeau; Russell Palma; @PIB_India; Doug Mills/The New York Times; Jonathan Ernst/Reuters; Presidential Photos; Maria Isabel Lopez Instagram; Interaksyon; Inquirer.net]





WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

6 11 2017

Untitled
ACCORDING TO Charles Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees. For Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross roads. While Martin Luther King Jr. said: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

As for some famous and infamous Filipinos of today, here’s how they answered the age-old question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

20: Sara Duterte: Pupunta sa rally. Sangkot ‘yan sa destabilization plot!

19: Manny Pacquiao: Para mangitlog. Sabi kasi sa Genesis 1:22 Let the birds multiply on the earth. ‘Di naman sinabing, “Let the birds subtraction on the earth,” ‘di ba? Amen!

18: Ka-DDS: Dilawan ang kinginang hindot na manok na ‘yan. Papansin! Sana pala nasagasaan na lang ang hayop na ‘yan para mamatay na! We love you Tatay Digong! Petmalu ka talaga! Lodi! #Godblessed

17: PBA Commissioner Chito Narvasa: Suddenly, parang ang laking isyu ng pag-apruba ko sa pagtawid ng manok. I have always been fair. Kung inyong matatandaan, inaprubahan ko rin noon ang pagtawid ng aso at pusa.

16: Salvador Panelo: To fuck like an 18-year-old.

Untitled
15: Bato de la Rosa: ‘Pag ako ang naging presidente, ipagpapagawa ko ng sariling kalsada ang mga manok!

14: Sen. Antonio Trillanes: Ayon sa aking source, may mga sikretong pugad ang manok na ‘yan sa kabilang side ng kalsada.

13: Paolo Duterte: I refuse to answer. No way!

12: Richard Gordon: Katulad ng sinabi ko sa committee report, walang matibay na ebidensya to conclude na tumawid nga ang manok!

11: Ombudsman Conchita Carpio Morales: We will investigate. This Office shall proceed with the probe as mandated by the Constitution. If the chicken has nothing to hide, it has nothing to fear.”

10: Imee Marcos: Anong alam ko d’yan eh ang liit-liit ko pa noong tumawid ang manok na ‘yan.

9: Harry Roque: Binato ko ng hollow blocks. Ang ingay eh.

8: Alan Peter Cayetano:

7: Tito Sotto: Sabi nga ni Manny, mangingitlog ang manok kaya tumawid. At napag-alaman ko ring marami na palang naging sisiw ‘yan. Kapag maraming sisiw pero single, ang tawag doon ay ‘na-ano lang.’

6: Vitaliano Aguirre: Ayon sa affidavit ng mga nakakulong na tandang, pakana ni De Lima ang pagtawid ng manok!

5: Philippine News Agency: At press time, ito pa lamang ang nakakalap naming impormasyon tungkol sa isyu:

1ChickenPNA

4: Sen. Leila De Lima: Hindi po dapat kinukuwestyon ang ginawa ng manok. Walang batas na nagbabawal sa pagtawid nito. Anumang pagsupil sa kagustuhan nitong makatawid ay malinaw na paglabag sa karapatang panghayop.

3: President Duterte: Adik ang manok na ‘yan. Alam niyang may mga dumadaang sasakyan tapos tatawid siya? Eh ‘di adik ang putang inang ‘yan!

2: Mocha Uson: Malinaw pong kasalanan ni Leni Robredo kung bakit napilitang tumawid ang manok. Napakaluwang po ng sidewalk kung saan siya pwedeng mag-abang ng bus papuntang Bicol. Pero anong ginawa niya? Doon siya nag-abang sa kinatatayuan ng manok; kaya ang kawawang chicken, tumawid! Eh kung nasagasaan ‘yon? Napakawalanghiya po talaga ng babaeng ito. Kahit kailan, bobo! Mga Ka-DDS, paki-share ng picture na ito.

1Leni

And lastly, why did the chicken cross the road?

1: Martin Andanar: Para umiyot. Kulang kasi sa iyot ‘yan kaya putak nang putak.
___________________________________________________________________________
“When injustice becomes law, resistance becomes duty.”
~Thomas Jefferson

In Other News…
A raid conducted at the condo unit of Diana Uy, daughter of convicted drug queen Yu Yuk Lai, near Malacañang, yielded some 10 million pesos worth of shabu. The raiding team then discovered that Uy’s security detail was a member of the PNP Security and Protection Group (PSPG). ATM: Malacañang’s spin doctors are figuring out a way to link De Lima and the LP to the police officer.

Damage
Palace spokesman Harry Roque said Chief Justice Maria Lourdes Sereno should step down “to spare the Supreme Court from any further damage.” If Roque wanted the public to believe he’s genuinely concerned, he should advise his boss to step down to spare this nation from any further ruin.

Drop
According to the latest SWS survey, fewer Filipinos believe President Duterte can fulfill his promises. From 52 percent in June, it dropped to 37 percent in September. The survey was conducted from Sept. 23 to 27, using face-to-face interviews of 1,500 adults 18 years old and above. The survey question was “Tulog ka pa rin ba?”

Sound Bites
“Despite the personal attacks against Sereno and her being the Chief Justice, she remains committed to fulfilling her duties as the highest magistrate in the land.”
~Chief Justice Maria Lourdes Sereno’s lawyers on Harry Roque’s resignation call

Hold on.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine News Agency; Philippine Star]





TAPANG AT MALASAKIT: SA AKIN, SA IYO’T SA LAHAT

27 10 2017

1TMjpg
EARLIER this week, a coalition of Duterte diehards was launched in Bonifacio Global City in Taguig. Led by Davao City Mayor Sara Duterte, the ‘Tapang at Malasakit Alliance for Duterte the Philippines’ – in a pledge, called for an end to “destructive politicking”. The title of the pledge was “Note To Ourselves.”

In her speech, Sara Duterte said, “Okay lang siguro if mag-away dito sa loob. Pero ‘pag reputasyon na ng bansa natin ang nasisira sa mga kapitbahay natin, mali po ‘yun.” To which, Presidente Duterte said, “Nang-aano ka eh! Inaano ba kita?”

Overheard at the launch:

Imee Marcos: O, Mayor Lani, nandito ka rin pala. Nasaan si Alan?

Lani Cayetano: Nandiyan lang. Nag-iikot.

Imee: So bati-bati na tayo?

Lani: Huh? Nag-away-away ba tayo?

Imee: Helloooo! ‘Di ba noong vice presidential debates, tinira-tira ni Alan ang pamilya namin? ‘Di mo ba natatandaan?

Lani: Paano ko matatandaan eh ang bata-bata ko pa no’n!?

Imee:

Lani: Ay! Sorry naman, nagamit mo na nga pala ang excuse na ‘yon.

Take 2…

Imee: O, Mayor Lani, nandito ka rin pala. Nasaan si Alan?

Lani: Nandiyan lang. Nag-iikot.

Imee: So bati-bati na tayo?

Lani: Bati-bati? Nag-away-away ba tayo?

Imee: Hellllllooo?! ‘Di ba noong vice presidential debates, hindi tinigilan ni Alan ang pamilya namin? Paulit-ulit niya kaming tinawag na magnanakaw at human rights violator! Magnanakaw at human rights violator. Magnanakaw at human rights violator!

Lani: Tama, I remember that. Wait, hindi ba totoong magnanakaw at human rights violator kayo?

Imee: Excuse me! Check your facts! Hindi kami human rights violator. Hellllloooo!

* * * * *

Imee: Uy, Alan! You’re here pala. Small world.

Alan Peter: I know, right? Who would’ve thought na magiging magkakampi pa tayo?

Imee: True. Nakakaloka ‘no?

Alan: Just a year ago, isa lang akong talunang VP candidate na naghihintay ng swerte. Ngayon, foreign affairs secretary na! Salamat sa pagkawala ni Yasay.

Imee: Pareho pala kayo ni Bongbong. Just a year ago, isa lang siyang talunang VP candidate na naghihintay ng swerte. Ngayon, magiging bise presidente na.

Alan:

Imee: Salamat sa pagkawala ni Andy Bautista!

* * * * *

Erap: Imee, kumusta? ‘Buti naimbitahan ka.

Imee: Uy, Ninong Erap, kayo pala ‘yan!

Erap: Siguro, we have something in common kaya tayo invited.

Imee: Ahmm, tapang?

Erap: Parang hindi.

Imee: Malasakit?

Erap: ‘Di ko sure.

Imee: Plunder?

Erap: Tarantado! Anong alam mo sa plunder eh ang bata-bata mo pa no’n?

Imee: True!

1M
Commemorative
The Philippine Postal Corporation issued a commemorative stamp for the 100th birth anniversary of the late dictator Ferdinand Marcos. Thank you Philpost! Martial Law victims can’t wait to spit on it.

Not Running
During the launch of Tapang at Malasakit Alliance, Davao City Mayor Sara Duterte vehemently denied reports she’s running for a national post in 2019. Even her father was like, “’Yan din ang sabi ko noon ‘day!”

Quitting
Reports say Duterte’s eldest son, controversial Davao City Vice Mayor Paolo ‘Pulong’ Duterte will retire from politics in 2019 “to focus on his family.” In response, the Davao Group said, “Salamat Kapamilya!”

Demonized
Defending his anti-drug war policy, President Duterte said, “I have been demonized” – drawing a howl of protest from the demon itself who said, “On the contrary, it was I who was Dutertefied!”

Smuggled 
Myanmar had seized $4.6 million worth of smuggled crystal methamphetamine or shabu. Myanmar President Htin Kyaw was quick to deny rumors his eldest son, Pulong Kyaw was involved in the smuggling of the shabu shipment.

Drug Lords
Revealing! A government witness has tagged Mar Roxas and Sen. Franklin Drilon as drug operators in the Visayas. Even more revealing, the witness says Roxas and Drilon are using the code names Tita Nani and Pulong in drug transactions.

1Andanar
Iyot Man
Mocking officials of the European Union who are critical of the Duterte administration, Communications Sec. Martin Andanar said, “’Yong maiingay na palaiyot, ang problema sa kanila, hanggang ingay lang sila, wala namang napatunayan. Maiingay sila kasi kulang sila sa iyot.” A party-list solon described Andanar as “desperate.” Another called it, “shameful.” Duterte described him as “a fast learner.”

Joke
On radio, Martin Andanar defended his distasteful comments and insisted he was just joking. Which was totally unnecessary since his mere presence was in itself a bigger joke.
———————————————————————————————————————————-
“Silence is complicity. Speak now or surrender your ground.”
~Michelle Malkin

Sound Bites
“Hindi po ako papasok sa pulitika. Maayos na maayos na ho ang buhay ko sa show business. “Kasi kawawa naman ang mga senador doon, baka mabugbog ko lang, okay na po ako.”
~Robin Padilla

‘Buti naman.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Tapang at Malasakit: Philippine Star; Stamps: GMA 7; Martin Andanar: GMA 7]








%d bloggers like this: