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GOD KNOWS HUDAS NOT MODERNIZE

21 10 2017

1marawi
ISNILON HAPILON and Omar Maute are dead. A salute to our soldiers! That’s the good news: Marawi has been liberated from terrorists. The bad news is the country has yet to be liberated from Duterte.

President Duterte said martial law in Mindanao would not be lifted “until the last terrorist is taken out.” That’s not a problem, Mr. President. You just stay in Manila; don’t go to Mindanao.

Modernization
President Duterte warned jeepney operators of a crackdown if they don’t modernize their units by the end of the year. “January! ‘Pag ‘di kayo na-modernize, umalis kayo,” said Duterte who once gave himself six months to curb drugs and criminality or he would resign.

1Jeepn
Old jeepneys emit too much carbon dioxide and put the health of Filipinos at risk, according to Duterte – an old president who emits too much vitriol and puts the entire nation at risk.

Scary
Halloween is the time of the year when a number of people wear masks and costumes to hide their true selves, hoping to win the top prize. It’s also called elections.

People are now talking about Halloween parties. In Davao, President Duterte’s grandchildren have an annual tradition. They scare their Lolo Digong by wearing menacing costumes. For this year’s Halloween party, Duterte’s grandchildren will come as human bank waivers.

Bad Weather
Super-typhoon Paolo is the latest weather disturbance to enter the Philippines. Many Filipinos are not aware though that Paolo has entered the Philippine Area of Responsibility. Even President Duterte never spoke about it. If super-typhoon Paolo makes a landfall, experts fear the damage to agriculture and infrastructure may reach 6.4B pesos.

Untitled
Transferred
Reports say Lorraine Badoy-Partosa has been appointed undersecretary of the presidential communications office. The controversial Ka-DDS used to be an assistant secretary at the Social Welfare department. The transfer is hardly surprising since it’s public knowledge that Lorraine’s only concern is the welfare of Rodrigo Duterte.

Graft Case
Former Caloocan City Mayor Recom Echeverri, who is facing nine counts of graft, refused to enter a plea on two counts. The court automatically made a plea on his behalf. It entered a plea of “not surprised.”

Losing Streak
The UST Growling Tigers are still winless in men’s basketball. They have been beaten nine straight times this season. Experts say if UST wants to BEAT its rivals, the coaching staff should hire members of the Aegis Jvris Fraternity.

1AegisJuris
Based on a detailed chat group log, members of the Aegis Jvris Fraternity intended to cover up the death of hazing victim Horatio Castillo III. Some 30 frat members in the chat group discussed how to conceal evidence; reach a settlement with Castillo’s parents, and find ways to explain to their wives and girlfriends why their balls suddenly went missing.

Unsafe
According to Safe Cities Index 2017, Manila is one of the least safe cities in the world. It ranked 55th out of 60 cities. At No. 1, Tokyo was named the safest city while Singapore came in second place prompting Alan Peter Cayetano to demand a recount.

Unsafe Indeed
A Miss Earth 2017 candidate was robbed in Manila. Her cellphone was snatched. The victim was identified as Polli Cannabis, Miss Belarus. Worse, when Miss Cannabis reported the incident to the police, she was asked to undergo a drug test.
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“A man don’t need to act tough if he is. Men that put on a show are spineless more often than not.”
~Eric Powell, ‘The Goon’

Sound Bites
“’Pag ‘di kayo na-modernize, umalis kayo. Mahirap kayo… sige. Magtiis kayo sa hirap at gutom. Wala ako pakialam.”
~President Duterte

You deserve the leaders you elect.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Marawi: Agence France Presse; Jeepney: Alamy.com; Masks: How Stuff Works; Lorraine Badoy-Partosa: DSWD; Aegis Jvris Fraternity: Benjie Castro/GMA News]

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DEAR CHARO: LIHAM MULA KAY RODRIGO

15 10 2017

Maalaala Mo Kaya
Episode No. 6.4B

“I read the condemnation of the European Union against me. I will tell them fuck you. Do not fuck with us! You leave my country in 24 hours. All of you! I repeat it, fuck you!”

(Before you continue, click this video for the “live” scoring. Wait for the music to start before reading.)

“May mga pagkakataon sa ating buhay na nakararamdam tayo ng matinding poot. Walang pagsidlan ang ating galit sa mga tao, bagay, o pangyayari sa ating paligid. Sa ganitong mga sandali, dapat bang pinipigil o mas dapat na ilabas natin ang ating tunay na damdamin? Paano natin lalabanan ang nakasanayang udyok na magmura, magbanta, manakit, o pumatay?

Magandang gabi mga Kapamilya. Sa espesyal na pang-anibersaryong handog ng ating programa, tampok ang kuwento ng isa nating kababayan na aminado mang galit sa ating himpilan ay patuloy pa rin naman sa panonood ng ating programa. Hindi ko alam kung siya ay tanga o ipokrito – pwede rin namang pareho.

Ang letter sender na ito ay itatago na lamang natin sa pangalang… Rodrigo. Narito ang kanyang kwento…

Dear Charo,

‘Tang ina mo! Matagal ko nang ipinadala ang sulat na ito pero ngayon mo lang babasahin?? Gago! Gumastos ako sa selyo sa post office kaya ‘wag mo akong gaguhin, ‘tang ina! Ginago na ako ng ABS-CBN noong eleksyon. ‘Di ako papayag na gaguhin ulit n’yo ngayon! Sabihin mo sa boss mong si Gabby Concepcion, gahaman siya sa pera, ‘tang ina niya!

O, ano pang hinihintay mo, ituloy mo na ang pagbabasa ng liham ko!

So ‘yon na nga Charo, hindi ko makontrol ang galit ko. Katulad last week, kumulo ang aking dugo nang mabasa ko ang headline na ito ng putang inang diyaryo ng mga Prieto:

1eu

Kaya nang mag-speech ako nang sumunod na araw, hindi ako nakapigil.

Putang ina n’yo EU, ang kapal ng mukha n’yong makialam sa mga patayan dito. Mga ipokrito! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Lumayas kayo sa bansa ko – ngayon din! Fuck you!

Ganung level ang galit ko, Charo. Sukdulan kung sukdulan! ‘Tapos kinagabihan, nalaman ko, hindi pala officials ng EU ang minura ko. Mali pala ang na-feed sa aking info. Putang ina n’yo Inquirer, pahamak kayo. Fuck you! Magsasara din kayo tang ina n’yo!

Ang nakakatawa Charo, katulad ng dati, panic mode na naman si Abella. ‘Di alam kung paano ipaliliwanag ang sinabi ko. Ha-ha-ha ‘Di ba mukha na naman siyang tanga? Kaya mahal na mahal ko ‘yan eh. Kahit ilang beses kong gawing gago, nandiyan pa rin sa puwesto. Petmalu!

Ito nga pala ang sabi niya:

1e2u

Kahapon, may nagtanong din sa akin Charo: bakit daw tahimik si Alan Peter Cayetano ng DFA kahit minura-mura ko at pinalayas ang EU. Sagot ko: ‘Tang ina. Paano magsasalita ‘yon eh nagpapagaling pa ng lapnos after ng interview niya sa Al Jazeera? Hashtag burn! Konting pang-unawa naman mga lodi.

Akala ko, matatahimik na ako after ng isyu sa EU. Mali ako, Charo. Kinabukasan sa palasyo, may speech na naman ako. Eh mainit ang ulo ko dahil ‘di nag-flush ang tae ko. Tang ina, nagtapon kasi ng tissue sa inidoro si Honeylet kaya nagbara. Anyway, sabi ko sa speech ko: ‘Pag ‘di nagkaroon ng peace agreement sa Mindanao, malamang utusan na naman ni Hashim Salamat na mag-alsa ang mga rebeldeng Moro.

‘Tang ina! Pagbukas ko ng TV noong gabi, napanood ko sa news, 14 years na palang patay si Hashim Salamat. Pisting yawa! Pero ok lang, sabi ko. Ang importante, ‘yong mga Ka-DDS, paniwalang-paniwala.

Ba’t kaya sila ganun Charo? Bilib na bilib sila sa lahat ng sinasabi ko? Kahit magsinungaling pa ako, tinatanggap pa rin nila! Werrrrpa! Ha-ha!

Gusto ko nga palang magpasalamat sa Pulse Asia, Charo; otsenta porsiyento pa rin ang approval rating ko. Petmalu! Salamat mga lodi! Akalain mo ‘yon? Ilang linggong pinag-usapan ang Kian Delos Santos issue, na-expose ang kawalanghiyaan ng mga pulis ko, nanahimik ako sa 6.4B shabu, at nabisto ang kalokohan ni Pulong pero 80 percent pa rin ang aking rating? Anong klaseng tao ba kayo? Bobo? Hahaha Joke lang. Tang ina n’yo, mahal ko kayo.

Gusto ko ring umapela Charo sa mga Ka-DDS natin: Huwag kayong maniniwala sa SWS survey na nagsasabing bumagsak ang rating ko. Dilawan ‘yan! Kasama ‘yan ng Simbahan at ng mga Komunistang gustong magpabagsak sa akin. Pero hindi kayo magtatagumpay! Hawak ko sa bayag ang Senado. Hawak ko sa bayag ang mga kongresista. Hawak ko sa bayag ang Korte Suprema. Putang ina, kaya pala itong kamay ko, ang baho-baho na. Puro bayag ang hawak ko! Ha-ha-ha

‘Pag ‘di kayo tumigil sa plano n’yong destabilization, magdedeklara ako ng revolutionary government. Tang ina n’yo, gagawin ko talaga ‘yan! Oo! First time mangyayari sa kasaysayan ng mundo: isang lider na hawak sa bayag lahat ng sangay ng gobyerno ang magdedeklara ng rebolusyon laban mismo sa mga tao. Isang petmalung palakpak mga lodi!

Maiba ako Charo, alam kong nanonood si Inday Sara ngayon. Sabi niya sa putang inang Trillanes kahapon, “Prove to everybody that piece of shit paper of bank accounts you are waving around is not fake, Pinocchio. Ang babaeng Bisaya, hindi umaatras. Kayang-kaya kong makipag away.”

Salamat sa paghahamon ng away, Inday Sara. Anak nga kita. Fuck you, Pinocchio!

Bago ko tapusin ang aking liham, may request lang ako sa iyo Charo. At susundin mo ang request na ito kung ayaw mong ipasara ko ang istasyon n’yo. Ang gusto kong gumanap bilang Rodrigo sa MMK ay ‘yong kayang bigyang justice ang character ko. In short, hindi si Piolo. ‘Yong John Lloyd Cruz na lang siguro.

Sa mga kokontra, tang ina n’yo!

Hanggang dito na lamang Charo.

Sanga pala, ilang taon ka na ba Charo? Bakit parang may asim ka pa rin? Pasyal ka naman dito sa palasyo ‘pag wala si Honeylet. Ipagluluto kita ng masarap na longganisa.

Again, thank you sa pagsasadula ng buhay ko. Sigurado akong mataas ang rating nito.

Teka, pwede ba akong humula sa title ng episode? Gusto kong manalo ng load eh. Ibibigay ko sana kay Kitty.

Last na ito Charo, sa aking mga kritiko: fuck you! ‘Pag ako nagdeklara ng revolutionary government, todas kayong lahat, mga ‘tang ina n’yo. Fuck you!!!!

Walang galang,
Rodrigo

1CHARO

“Alam mo Rodrigo, hindi ko alam kung ano ang magiging reaksyon ko sa liham mo. At lalong hindi ko alam kung anong purpose o goal ng inilahad mong kuwento. Walang kwenta! Tang ina. Paulit-ulit ka! Pati sa mga katangahan mo, proud ka pa. Mabuti pa pumirma ka na lang ng bank waiver; hindi ‘yong puro ka mura at porma ‘king ina ka!

Pasensya na po sa mga nanonood na bata. Hindi na ako nakapagpigil.

Sa susunod na Sabado, isang kwentong may kabuluhan ang ihahatid namin sa inyo. Pasensya na po ulit kung puro mura ang napanood n’yo kanina. Dadagdagan na lang namin ang premyo ng makakahula sa title ng episode.

Ito po si Charo Santos, maraming salamat at magandang gabi, Kapamilya.

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“BANK WAIVER”
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Ang nakahula sa tamang title ay tatanggap ng P3,000 load at libreng kiss sa lips mula kay Rodrigo. Bawal tumanggi. Hindi ka namin pinilit sumali. Ginusto mo ‘yan ‘di ba? Congratulations!
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“Rudeness is a means to attract attention, assert power, cover-up ineptitude, deflect personal insecurities, and intimidate meeker people.”
~Kilroy J. Oldster, ‘Dead Toad Scrolls’

Sound Bites
“Based on the Information itself, the accusation of illegal trade of drugs against petitioner is blatantly a pure invention. This court, the last bulwark of democracy and liberty in the land, should never countenance such a fake charge.”
~Associate Justice Antonio Carpio’s dissenting opinion on the Leila De Lima case

#NuffSaid.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: Charo Santos: ABSCBN Entertainment; Headlines: Inquirer.net]





STITCHES AND BURNS

9 10 2017

1APC

THE MARCOSES and Mocha Uson claiming to be fake news victims; a “barefaced liar” making unfounded accusations under oath, and the country’s foreign affairs secretary getting grilled by an Al Jazeera news anchor on extrajudicial killings. What a crazy week for liars! It was also a week of solid, nasty burns.

In case you missed it, here’s the translated transcript of the unedited, unaired portions of Al Jazeera journalist Mehdi Hasan’s interview with DFA Sec. Alan Peter Cayetano

Hasan: Sabi sa report mo, 3,500 ang napatay sa drug operations.

Cayetano: Oo!

Hasan: Lahat ‘yon drug dealers????

Cayetano: Yes!

Hasan: As in ALL of them?!?

Cayetano: Yes!

Hassan: Hindi kinasuhan, hindi nilitis, hindi pinarusahan. Paano mo nalaman?

Cayetano: Sabi sa karton.

Hasan:

Cayetano: ‘Tsaka sa Facebook ni Mocha Uson.

1EJKianl
Hasan: Sinasabi mo ngayon na lahat ng 3,500 na napatay ay drug dealers?

Cayetano: Oo!

Hasan: As in ‘yong 3,500 – – drug dealers LAHAT?!?

Cayetano: Sinabi nang oo eh!

Hasan: Pati si Kian De Los Santos drug dealer??

Cayetano:

Hasan:

Cayetano: Fine! 3,499 lang pala.

* * * * *

Hasan: Drug dealers bang lahat ang napatay?

Cayetano: Oo!

Hasan: 3,500 na drug dealers!??!! As in LAHAT sila drug dealers???

Cayetano: Sinabi nang OO eh! Ang kulit!

Hasan: Paano mo nalaman? Kinasuhan ba sila? Nilitis? Pinarusahan?

Cayetano: Nanlaban.

Hasan:

Cayetano: ‘Wag mo ‘kong tingnan nang ganyan. Ako mismo ang nagbilang.

* * * * *

Hasan: So, ‘yung 3,500 na pinatay ng pulis, drug dealers lahat?!?

Cayetano: Oo!

Hasan: As in ALL of them?

Cayetano: Oo nga!

Hasan: Paano mo nalaman? Kinasuhan ba? Nilitis ba? Pinarusahan ba? Hindi ‘yan ang demokratikong paraan ng pag-solve sa krimen.

Cayetano: Bakit? Sinong may sabi sa ‘yong demokratiko ang gusto naming paraan ng pag-solve sa krimen?

Hasan: In fairness, may point. ‘Nyeta ka.

* * * * *

Hasan: ‘Yong 3,500 na pinatay ng pulis, lahat drug dealers?

Cayetano: Kanina ka pa eh. Sabi ko, oo, ‘di ba?

Hasan: Lahat sila drug dealers???

Cayetano: Yes! Yes! Yes!

Hasan: Pati ‘yong South Korean na pinatay ng mga pulis sa loob mismo ng Camp Crame, drug dealer?

Cayetano: Pinoy lang ang pinag-uusapan natin, ba’t biglang may Korean?

Hasan:

Cayetano: Dilawan ka rin eh!

1EJKDoll

Hasan: Sabi mismo ng presidente n’yo, 40 percent ng kapulisan, corrupt.

Cayetano: ‘Yon ang estimate niya. Sabi ng aming PNP chief, 2 percent.

Hasan: So sino ang tama: ang inyong presidente o ang chief ng PNP?

Cayetano: Estimate nga lang ‘yong kay presidente.

Hasan: Tama ba ang estimation n’ya?

Cayetano: When you make an estimation…

Hasan: Simpleng oo o hindi lang. Tama ba o hindi ang 40 percent estimation ni Duterte?

Cayetano: ‘Tang ina naman o! Ba’t ba ako nag-guest dito? Sana kay Anthony Taberna o kay Noli De Castro na lang ako nagpa-interview.

* * * * *

Hasan: So you’re saying na ‘yong 3,500 na napatay ng pulis, lahat drug dealers?

Cayetano: Ilang beses ko ba dapat sagutin ‘yan? Oo! Oo! Oo!

Hasan: So ‘pag drug dealer, pinapatay?

Cayetano: ‘Yong drug dealers lang na nanlalaban.

Hasan: Buhay pa si Pulong Duterte.

Cayetano: Therefore, hindi pa siya nanlalaban.

Hasan:

Cayetano: Puta ka! Nilito mo ako. Hindi siya drug dealer, promise!

* * * * *

Hasan: Last na: Ano ang pakiramdam ng mga Pilipino sa nagaganap na patayan sa ilalim ng gobyernong Duterte?

Cayetano: Good question. Filipinos are prouder now more than ever.

Hasan: Prouder? Anong klaseng mga Pilipino ‘yan? Panatiko? ‘Di nag-iisip? Blind followers?

Cayetano: Hindi. Ang tawag sa kanila, Ka-DDS.

Hasan: ‘Yun nga.
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“There are two ways of lying. One, not telling the truth and the other, making up statistics.”
~Josefina Vazquez Mota

Sound Bites
“There is no place in government – or in the field of professional communications, for that matter – for barefaced liars.”
~National Union of Journalists of the Philippines on Duterte propagandist RJ Nieto

“Let it be known that under the present administration there is only one case of extrajudicial killing, or EJK.”
~PNP Spokesman Chief Supt. Dionardo Carlos

Liar.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Cayetano/Hasan: Al Jazeera; Kian DLS Artwork: PJ’s Artbox; EJK/Doll: REUTERS/Damir Sagolj]





OF BULLIES AND BALLS

3 10 2017

1dd
I HAVE stopped listening to Rodrigo Duterte’s interviews and speeches. Instead, I decided to watch HBO’s Emmy Award-winning limited series ‘Big Little Lies.’ Same themes – deception, abuse of power, and murder – but with likeable characters.

A friend said candidates for president should pass a mental health exam before they are allowed to run. I said voters should pass a similar exam before they are allowed to vote.

1CCM
Duterte said he would not cooperate with the Ombudsman’s probe into his alleged undeclared wealth and threatened to create a special body to investigate the Ombudsman instead. In response, Ombudsman Conchita Carpio Morales said, “This office will not be intimidated.” Unfortunately for Duterte, there are no Gordons, Sottos, or Pimentels at the Ombudsman to protect him.

Duterte dared, “Shoot me if I have more than 40 million pesos (in the bank).” That is unnecessary and a total waste of bullet. Everytime he opens his mouth, he shoots himself in the foot. That’s fine.

Amid reports he misdeclared his wealth, Duterte said, “Shoot me if I have more than 40 million.” Thinking Filipinos won’t do that to you Mr. Duterte. They’d rather see you alive – in prison.

Duterte also challenged Chief Justice Ma. Lourdes Sereno and Ombudsman Conchita Carpio Morales, “Let us resign!” In a joint statement, Sereno and Carpio Morales said, “We’re too busy Mr. President. Can we ignore you some other time?”

Duterte: Putang ina, hindi totoo ‘yong ibinibintang n’yo!

Conchita: Ows?

Duterte: ‘Tang ina! Kung may 40 million ako, shoot me!

Conchita: Really?

Duterte: ‘Tang ina, kung lagpas 200 million, magre-resign ako!

Chonchita: Talaga?

Duterte: ‘Tang ina, ‘pag may nakita kayong pera, sa inyo na.

Conchita: Fine. Sign the waiver.

Duterte:

Conchita:

Duterte: Ulol! Ano ako, tanga? ‘Tang ina!

Emergency
Allies of Rodrigo Duterte in the Lower House wants to grant him emergency powers to “take over” the operations of the Bureau of Customs. The House ways and means committee described the recommendation as “immediate” – while the Davao Group described it as “an answered prayer.”

New Group
In a press conference held Tuesday, Vitaliano Aguirre and Persida Acosta expressed support for a new group that called itself Citizen National Guard. The group aims to “defend the republic against enemies of the state.” In response, the state said, “No, thanks!”

Vitaliano Aguirre and Persida Acosta led the launching of a group called Citizen National Guard. Reports said the group was formed to protect the republic against “enemies of the state.” Which explains why mirrors were banned during the press con.

Also during the press conference, the newly formed group identified the “enemies of the state.” The list includes the CPP-NPA, ISIS-inspired terrorism, and drug cartels. Pulong Duterte was like, “May galit ba kayo sa akin?”

Wiretapping
A month after TV cameras at the Senate captured the screen of his cellphone showing a text exchange with VACC’s Jacinto Paras plotting against Sen. Risa Hontiveros, Vitaliano Aguirre filed a wiretapping case against the lady senator. Once tagged by Hontiveros as “fake news king,” Aguirre’s case is expected to be junked because text messages are not covered by the Anti-wiretapping Law. Even Aguirre’s case is fake.

Dogs
Duterte defender Tito Sotto is filing a libel case against the people behind popular Facebook page ‘Silent No More PH’ for calling him and other staunch Duterte allies at the Senate, “Malacañang dogs.” Other senators are reportedly keen on filing a similar case. Unverified reports say they are seeking 10 million pesos in compensatory damages and a year’s supply of Pedigree.

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Las Vegas Massacre
Our thoughts go out to the victims of the mass shooting in Las Vegas, Nevada. The carnage left at least 59 people dead and more than 500 injured. Concerned Americans are now calling for stricter gun control. The Philippines can relate to mass killings. For months now, concerned Filipinos have been calling for presidential control.
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“Your complaints, your drama, your victim mentality, your whining, your blaming, and all of your excuses… Let go of your nonsense. Let go of the delusion that you deserve better.”
~Steve Maraboli, ‘Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience’

Sound Bites
“If the President has nothing to hide, he has nothing to fear.”
~Ombudsman Conchita Carpio Morales

“’Yong mga critics… ingrato kayo. Alam ko nakikinabang kayo sa peace and order na ‘dinulot sa atin ng war on drugs. Ingrato kayo.”
~PNP Chief Bato De La Rosa

Ulol.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte: The Denver Post; Ombudsman: Rappler; Las Vegas: Getty Images]






CONGRESSMEN & TRAFFIC

19 09 2017

1estrada
JINGGOY ESTRADA, whose trial for plunder and graft & corruption charges, is ongoing, has been granted temporary liberty. He posted a P1.33 million bail over the weekend. Immediately after his release, he thanked the Sandiganbayan, his family, and the Filipino taxpayers who shouldered his bail bond.

Of the five members of the Sandiganbayan Fifth Division, three justices voted to grant Jinggoy Estrada bail. The next day, all three justices received this text message from Malacañang: What exactly do you want?

1Boobay Tekla
Anniversary
Juan Ponce Enrile and wife, Cristina celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary. Which explains why Gigi Reyes changed her Facebook status to “Single.”

The roster of high-profile guests included Imelda, Imee and Bongbong Marcos; Joseph Estrada and Jinggoy Estrada; former vice president Jejomar Binay, his wife Elenita, and Junjun Binay as well as former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo – prompting one of the food servers to quip, “Ano ‘to Bilibid?!?”

Entitlement
House Majority Floor Leader Rodolfo Fariñas wants the MMDA to grant lawmakers “parliamentary immunity” from minor traffic violations. Citing a provision in the Constitution, the Ilocos Norte representative says apprehending lawmakers will delay the performance of their duties. That, of course, is understandable because round-the-clock licking of Duterte’s ass is not an easy job.

Samantala sa EDSA… Prrrrt!

Traffic Enforcer: Lisensya.

Motorist: Lisensya? Hindi mo ba ako nakikilala? Congressman ako!

Traffic Enforcer: Hindi rin n’yo ba ako nakikilala? Traffic enforcer ako!

Motorist: Meron akong parliamentary immunity!

Traffic Enforcer: Meron ho akong ipinapatupad na batas!

Motorist: Mali-late na ako sa session! ‘T@ng %n@!

Traffic Enforcer: Linggo ho ngayon. May session?

Motorist:

Traffic Enforcer: Sige, isip pa ng palusot. ‘T@ng %n@g ‘to.

* * * * *

Traffic Enforcer: Pare, lisensya.

Motorist: Boss, congressman ako.

Traffic Enforcer: Ooops sorry! Congressman, lisensya.

Motorist: Sinabi ko na ‘di ba? Congressman ako!

Traffic Enforcer: Sorry Congressman. Isang tanong na lang: Na-experience mo na bang mag-trend sa Twitter?

Motorist:

Traffic Enforcer: Lisensya.

Motorist: Kanina ko pa nga inaabot sa ‘yo ‘di ba?

* * * * *

Traffic Enforcer: Sir, lisensya.

Motorist: Bakit? Anong violation?

Traffic Enforcer: Beating the red light ho.

Motorist: Congressman ako.

Traffic Enforcer: Sabi ko ho beating the red light.

Motorist: Narinig ko. Narinig mo ba ang sinabi ko: ‘Congressman’ ako.

Traffic Enforcer: So anong gusto n’yong gawin ko: palampasin ang violation n’yo?! Magkunwaring walang nangyari? Balewalain ang batas-trapiko? Kilalanin ang pribileheyo n’yo bilang mataas na opisyal ng gobyerno? Sumunod na lang sa gusto n’yo dahil maliit na enforcer lamang ako habang kayo ay milyun-milyon ang deposito sa bangko para pantustos sa mga kabit n’yo? Kalimutang may sinumpaan akong tungkulin? Takasan ang aking responsibilidad sa bayan ‘tapos bahala na kung mawalan ako ng dignidad at respeto sa aking sarili?

Motorist: Heto na ang lisensya ko. Matahimik ka lang.

Traffic Enforcer:

Motorist: At next time, ‘wag na ‘wag mong pakikialaman ang mga kabit ko. Namemersonal ka eh!

1car

Traffic Enforcer: Lisensya mo.

Motorist: Congressman ako. I’m in a hurry. Pa-Batasan ako.

Traffic Enforcer: May violation kayo, Sir. Lisensya n’yo.

Motorist: Akala mo ‘di ko alam kung saan papunta ang usapang ‘to? Hoy! Kilala ko kayo. Mga buwaya sa kalsada! Magkano?

Traffic Enforcer: Wow. Kung maka-buwaya kayo Sir parang hindi crocodile farm ang pupuntahan n’yo ah. Lisensya!

Motorist: Pagsisisihan mo ‘to! Tatawagan ko si MMDA Chairman Danny Lim. Tatawagan ko si Mayor! Tatawagan ko si House Speaker.

Traffic Enforcer: Wait lang, Sir. Tatawagan ko lang si Karen Davila!

Motorist: ‘To naman, ‘di na mabiro. Ganda ng gupit natin ah.

* * * * *

Traffic Enforcer: Sir, ‘yung lisensya mo, patingin.

Motorist: Hindi mo ba ako nakikilala? Araw-araw ako sa TV!

Traffic Enforcer: Arnold Clavio?

Motorist: Gago! Congressman ako. Hindi ako basta-basta. CONGRESSMAN AKO!

Traffic Enforcer: So, anong gusto n’yong mangyari?

Motorist: ‘Di ka ba talaga nanonood o nagbabasa ng balita? Ano bang dapat ginagawa sa mga tulad ko?

Traffic Enforcer: Ibinubunyag ang kurapsyon! Tapos huhulihin! Then lilitisin at ikukulong habambuhay para ‘di na uli makapagnakaw.

Motorist:

Traffic Enforcer: Sorry Sir, mabilis lang talaga akong mag-isip. Ano ba dapat?

* * * * *

Traffic Enforcer: Sir, pakitabi.  At ‘yung lisensya n’yo, pakilabas.

Motorist: ‘Sensya boss. Nagmamadali eh. May hearing kami. Congressman nga pala ako.

Traffic Enforcer: I see. So bakit kailangan n’yong sabihing congressman kayo? Ano ang gusto n’yong mangyari ngayon?

Motorist: Gusto kong sabihin mo nang maayos ang violation ko ‘tapos ticketan mo ako, kunin mo ang lisensya ko kung kinakailangan at magmumulta ako para tubusin ang lisensya sa tamang ahensya.

Traffic Enforcer: Hindi ka congressman! Sinungaling! Impostor! Mapagkunwari! Peke!

Motorist:

* * * * *

Traffic Enforcer: Sir, pakitabi. ‘Tsaka, ‘yung lisensya mo, patingin.

Motorist: Boss, Congressman ako. Nagmamadali ako.

Traffic Enforcer: Obvious nga Sir eh. Beating the red light ka.

Motorist: Pilosopo ka rin ‘no?

Traffic Enforcer: Nagsasabi lang ng totoo, Sir.

Motorist: Hindi ko gusto ‘yang tono ng pananalita mo. Totoong pulis ka ba o kunwa-kunwariang pulis lang?

Traffic Enforcer: Dati akong pulis-Caloocan, Sir.

Motorist:

Traffic Enforcer: Ano nga palang ‘di mo gusto sa pananalita ko, Sir?

Motorist: Ticketan mo na lang ako. Sige na para ‘di na tayo maabala pareho.
_______________________________________________________________________________
“Leadership is a privilege to better the lives of others. It is not an opportunity to satisfy personal greed.”
~Mwai Kibaki

Sound Bites
“If he would introduce himself as a congressman, and it be proven that he really is a congressman, don’t bring him to the precinct. Because if you bring him to the precinct, he would not be able to perform his functions [as a lawmaker].”
~Ilocos Norte Rep. Rodolfo Fariñas

Sus.

Elsewhere
The Young Turks hosts talk about Duterte’s “vigilante injustice”

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Jinggoy Estrada: ABSCBN News; The Enriles: Inquirer.net; Cartoon Stock.com]





DIGONG & PULONG (PART 2)

12 09 2017

Untitled
THE DAY AFTER. In Malacañang…

Digong: Kumusta ang hearing?

Pulong: Sisiw si Trillanes, Pa! Pinagmukha kong tanga habang nangungulit tungkol sa tattoo!

Digong: Walang napiga?

Pulong: Wala!

Digong: Walang bagong witness?

Pulong: Wala!

Digong: Walang ebidensya?

Pulong: Walang-wala!

Digong: In short, wala akong anak na sangkot sa smuggling, tama?

Pulong: Pa, tattoo ang topic. ‘Wag mong ibahin ang usapan.

* * * * *

Digong: Kilala mo si Kat De Castro?

Pulong: Siya ba ‘yung mataba?

Digong: Grabe ka naman. Mataba agad? Fat-shaming ‘yan. Pwede namang DOT ang gamiting reference.

Pulong: Sige Pa, ulitin mo ang tanong.

Digong: Kilala mo si Kat De Castro?

Pulong: Siya ba ‘yung mataba sa DOT?

Digong:

Pulong: Ituloy mo na Pa; magtatagal tayo.

Digong: Sa Facebook kasi, grabe ang suporta sa ‘yo. Kapag siya raw ang sinabihang magpakita ng tattoo, ang isasagot daw niya, “NO FREAKIN WAY.”

Pulong: Bakit, Pa? Sino bang interesado sa tattoo niya?

Digong: Exactly.

* * * * *

Digong: O, balita ko gustong makita ni Trillanes ang tattoo mo.

Pulong: Oo, Pa. Pero ‘di ako pumayag kaya inis na inis ang gago.

Digong: Good! Tama ang ginawa mo.

Pulong: Siyempre, nakinig ako sa payo mo.

Digong: Sandali. Matindi ang mga ibinibintang sa ‘yo: May dragon tattoo ka at sangkot ka raw sa smuggling ng druga. Totoo ba?

Pulong: Dragon tattoo at smuggling ng droga?!? Tang ina! Mamatay man ako, wala akong dragon tattoo, Pa!

* * * * *

Digong: Kumusta ang hearing?

Pulong: Ok naman, Pa. Pinahiya ko ‘yung Trillanes.

Digong: Paano?

Pulong: Inamin kong may tattoo ako sa likod pero nang sabihan akong ipakita ang tattoo, tumayo ako. ‘Tapos, umikot ako nang dalawang beses sa buong session hall habang tinitingnan ang bawat senador. Walang nagsasalita. Tapos, lumapit ako. Pumuwesto ako sa likuran niya. Nakaupo siya, nakatayo ako. Then, inilapit ko ang bibig ko sa tainga niya at sinigawan ko: “NO WAY! Ke lalaking tao mo, gusto mong makita ang likod ng kapwa mo lalaki? Putang ina, bakla ka ba?! BAKLA KA BA? Kadiri ka!”

Digong: Tama ‘yang ginawa mo! Sumagot ba?

Pulong: Sumigaw din siya! “Putang ina, matagal nang tsismis ‘yan ah! ‘Di pa ba kayo nagsasawa?!?”

Digong: Huh?

Pulong: Mali pala ang sinigawan kong senador, Pa. Si Migz Zubiri pala. ‘Tang ina.

* * * * *

Digong: Kumusta ang hearing?

Pulong: Dapat nanood ka, Pa. Nagmukhang tae ‘yung Trillanes.

Digong: Paano?

Pulong: Nang tanungin niya ako kung may tattoo ako sa likuran, sabi ko, “Oo.” Ang sumunod na tanong, kung dragon daw ba, sabi ko, “I invoke my right to privacy.” Tapos nang utusan akong ipakita sa publiko ang likod ko, tumayo ako; lumapit ako sa kanya. ‘Tapos habang kaharap ko siya, sumigaw ako: “No way! Bakla ka ba? Putang ina, naturingan kang sundalo pero babakla-bakla ka?! Kadiri ka! Gago.”

Digong: Ang husay mo

Pulong: Siyempre Pa, mana sa ‘yo.

Digong: Ang husay mong gumawa ng kwento. Tang ina mo! Napanood ko ang hearing, walang ganyang nangyari. Ulol!

Untitled
Digong: O, ano ‘yung picture mong kasama ang smuggler na si Charlie Tan?

Pulong: Wala ‘yun Pa, kaibigan lang.

Digong: May picture kayo sa eroplano eh.

Pulong: Wala ‘yun Pa, kainuman lang.

Digong: Eh ‘yung picture n’yo sa China, sa restaurant, at sa hotel?

Pulong: Sandali lang, Pa. ‘Di ba may picture din kayong dalawa sa Malacañang? Tapos, hawak pa nga niya ang portrait mo. Ano mo ba si Charlie Tan? Sagot!

Digong: I invoke my right to privacy.

Pulong: Ama nga kita.

* * * * *

Digong: Ano ‘yung sinabi ni Trillanes na may 104 million pesos kang pera sa bangko? Ang liit-liit ng sweldo mo tapos may ganyan kang kalaking pera?!?

Pulong: Pati ba naman ikaw Pa, naniniwala sa kasinungalingan ng Trillanes na ’yan?

Digong: Para mawala ang duda ko, mag-sign ka ng waiver para i-open ang iyong bank accounts.

Pulong: Eh kung ikaw kaya muna Pa ang mag-sign ng waiver para i-open ang iyong bank accounts?

Digong: Tama ka eh! Sinungaling ang Trillanes na ‘yan! Hindi dapat paniwalaan!

* * * * *

Digong: Igaganti kita anak.

Pulong: Paano, Pa?

Digong: May hawak akong documents. May bank accounts daw abroad si Trillanes.

Pulong: Ang galing mo, Pa! Saan mo kinuha?

Digong: Sa social media.

Pulong:

Digong: Choosy ka pa? ‘Tang inang ito. Buti nga meron. Sige, ikaw ang maghanap!

* * * * *

Digong: O, tapos na ang hearing. Safe ka na.

Pulong: Pero Pa, may lalabas pang report ang Senado eh. Malay mo, mabanggit ang Davao Group doon.

Digong: Bakit? Kaninong committee ba ang gagawa ng report?

Pulong: Kay Gordon.

Digong: Spell Gordon.

Pulong: K-A-D-D-S… Gordon!

Digong: See?? Safe!
—————————————————————————————————————————-
“The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool all of the people all of the time.”
~Franklin Pierce Adams

Sound Bites
“Secretary Aguirre undermines our justice system and his continued stay in office is a vulgar insult to the Filipino people and our efforts for a more just society.”
~Sen. Risa Hontiveros

#AguirreResign

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Trillanes/Pulong: ABSCBN News]





DIGONG & PULONG (PART 1)

6 09 2017

President-elect-Rodrigo-Duterte-Karlos-Manlupig-Inq-Min-May-28-2016-620x413
ISANG ARAW sa Malacañang…

Digong: Sa ayaw at sa gusto mo a-attend ka ng hearing!

Pulong: Sinabi ko na sa ‘yo Pa, ayaw kong umattend! Mahirap bang intindihin ‘yon?

Digong: Fine! Paiimbestigahan na lang kita.

Pulong: Anong oras ba?!

* * * * *

Digong: Noon ko pa sinabi sa ‘yo, itigil mo na ‘yang kagaguhan mo dahil ‘pag nabisto ‘yan, patay ka! Hindi ka nakinig! ‘Yan ang nangyari!

Pulong: Huwag kang ipokrito Pa, wala kang sinabing ganyan! Ni minsan!

Digong: Wala ba?

Pulong: Wala! Eh ‘di kung meron… sana tumino na ako.

Digong: Ulol! Kilala kita.

* * * * *

Digong: ‘Yan ang napapala ng katigasan ng iyong ulo! Wala ka nang ginawa kundi igiiit ang gusto mo! Akala mo kasi lagi kang tama! Akala mo, lagi kang nasa katwiran! Akala mo diyos ka!

Pulong: Tapos ka na Pa? Ako naman. Alam mo ‘yung idiom na, The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree?

Digong: Gago! Umattend ka ng hearing!!!

Pulong: Sige, huwag na lang apple, Pa; durian na lang.

* * * * *

Digong: Nand’yan na ‘yan! ‘Di na pwedeng takbuhan. A-attend ka ng hearing!

Pulong: ‘Pa naman, ayaw kong umattend. Patay ako dun.

Digong: SABI KO: A-ATTEND KA NG HEARING!!!

Pulong: Anak mo ‘ko! Konting suporta naman!

Digong: Kaya nga kita pinapa-attend. Nag-iisa lang ako. ‘Pag sa Senado ka pumunta, maraming susuporta sa ‘yo dun.

Pulong:

Digong: At least 15.

Pulong: In fairness, nag-research.

Untitled
Pulong: Pa, kinakabahan ako. Baka madulas ako sa hearing. Ano bang sasabihin ko?

Digong: Wala kang sasabihin. Wala kang aaminin. Walang kang papangalanan.

Pulong: Ba’t pa ako umattend? Anong gagawin ko doon?

Digong: IIYAK KA!

Pulong: ‘Tang ina naman. Ayaw ko nang umattend!

Digong: Pwes, pinagbabawalan muna kitang makipagkita sa mga friends mo sa Davao Group!

Pulong: Sus! Ang dali-daling umiyak eh. EH di IIYAK!

* * * * *

Pulong: Pa, hindi ako nakatulog kagabi. Kinakabahan ako sa hearing. Ano bang sasabihin ko?

Digong: Sinong may sabing may “sasabihin” ka? MANANAHIMIK KA!

Pulong: Pupunta ako doon para manahimik?!? Eh bakit pa ako a-attend?

Digong: IIYAK KA!

Pulong: Pa naman. Kasiraan ‘yan sa image ko. Ayaw kong umiyak. Magmumukha akong tanga.

Digong: You decide… magmukhang tanga o magmukhang smuggler?

Pulong: Hmmm…

Digong: Gago! Nag-isip ka pa. Eh kahit naman umiyak ka, smuggler pa rin ang tingin nila sa ‘yo.

Pulong: May point.

* * * * *

Pulong: Pa, tanong lang. Prangkahan na tayo. Bakit tahimik ka sa 6.4 billion pesos na shabu shipment? ‘Di ba galit na galit ka sa droga? Ibig sabihin ba naniniwala kang sangkot kami sa smuggling?

Digong: Oo naman.

Pulong:

Digong: Joooke! ‘Wag ka na kasing magtanong. Masasaktan ka lang. Mag-rehearse ka na lang ng iyak mo.

Pulong: Yawa jud!

* * * * *

Pulong: Pa, ‘di ba sabi mo, magre-resign ka ‘pag may lumabas na evidence na sangkot kami sa smuggling?

Digong: Oo! That was my promise last week!

Pulong: Seryoso ka ba dun?

Digong: Oo nga!

Pulong: Pa, sorry, kinakabahan ako. Baka may hawak nga silang evidence.

Digong: Pisting yawa! Bakit?!? Sangkot ba talaga kayo sa smuggling?

Pulong: Oo, Pa.

Digong:

Pulong: Jooooke! ‘Wag ka na kasing magtanong Pa. Masasaktan ka lang.
———————————————————————————————————————————
“You can’t get rich in politics unless you’re a crook.”
~Harry S. Truman

Sound Bites
“Even in this era of kabastusan at pagmumura under the Duterte Administration, for as long as I am not cursing or using cuss words and I am not physically hurting anybody, then I am not crossing that line. I have never crossed that line.”
~Sen. Antonio Trillanes on the ethics case filed by Dick Gordon

Balls.

Elsewhere
Inquirer Editorial: Gordon’s unethical complaint
“What happened on Aug. 31 was that Trillanes stood up to Gordon. Having lost that particular skirmish, Gordon has now resorted to an institution-damaging remedy.”

Dick.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte: Inquirer.net; Paolo Duterte: ABS-CBN News; Digong and Polong: MARO-PCO via CNN Philippines]





LOVE AND CARE

30 08 2017

1VACC
MURDER VICTIM Kian De Los Santos’s parents met with President Duterte in Malacañang over the weekend. After the meeting, a photo op followed with the couple making the ‘fist pump’ gesture with the President and VACC’s Dante Jimenez. Apparently, they were persuaded to still support the war on drugs that killed their son. Duterte described it as, “Persida Acosta’s most remarkable accomplishment yet.”

Fair Enough
The parents of Kian De Los Santos met with President Duterte in Malacañang last Sunday. Also present at the meeting were Vitaliano Aguirre, Dante Jimenez and Persida Acosta. It was the first time a sitting President met with the murder victim’s parents and the murder suspects’ defense team.

Witness Protection
DOJ Sec. Vitaliano Aguirre says the parents of Kian De Los Santos are now under the government’s witness protection program (WPP). This marks the first time in WPP history that witnesses were given state protection against the state.

Ano kaya ang gustong sabihin ni Vitaliano Aguirre?

0AguirreKian
A: “ Sige! ’Pag ‘di kayo nag-fist pump, paiimbestigahan ko kayo kay Bato! Fist pump na ‘tapos tingin lang sa camera! Walang gagalaw!”

B: “Pagkatapos nito, diretso kayo kay Mocha. May interview kayo. Requirement ‘yan sa lahat ng nasa Witness Protection Program. Umayos kayo sa pagsagot huh.”

C: “Alam n’yo ba ang totoo? Tinira-tira ko sa media ang anak n’yo pati na rin kayo. Sa totoo lang, napilitan lang akong gawin ito dahil si Presidente ang nag-utos. Pero kung ako lang ang masusunod, tae kayo sa akin. O, fist pump na tayo! Go!”

Staying
Vitaliano Aguirre says he will not step down as justice secretary despite resignation calls from various thinking sectors of the society. Aguirre says he will stay in office for as long as incompetence is a government policy.

New Assignment
President Duterte has assigned controversial Chief Insp. Jovie Espenido as police chief of Iloilo City. Espenido, who reportedly asked for this new assignment, vowed to eliminate drug addicts, drug pushers, and the PNP’s worst enemy, CCTVs.

1VACC
“God’s Will”
When asked if suspected criminals in Iloilo City would be killed, controversial Chief Insp. Jovie Espenido replied, “It’s up to God” – eliciting protest from Satan who insisted, “Give credit where credit is due. Please lang.”

Message
In his National Heroes Day speech, President Duterte urged Filipinos to honor our heroes by upholding the rule of law. Actually, his complete and exact words were, “As we continue to fight against lawlessness, let us uphold the rule of law. Charot!”

Land of the Loving
According to a recent survey conducted by Publicus Asia, a PR firm founded and headed by vocal Duterte supporter Malou Tiquia, President Duterte was the “most loving” and the “most caring” government official —  while Malou Tiquia is the most likely new appointee to a government post.

Publicus Asia CEO and founder Malou Tiquia says President Duterte is the “most loving” and “most caring” top government official. To which, Duterte said, “What do you want?”

Ill-gotten
Quoting an emissary, President Duterte on Tuesday said the Marcoses were willing “to return” SOME of their wealth to the Philippine government. Anytime now though, palace spokespersons are expected to clarify that President Duterte has been misquoted, and that the correct statement should have been, “Marcoses willing to return to government to amass more wealth.”

the-household-effects-listed-by-the-marcos-family-(1)_2016_03_13_10_30_47
THIS JUST IN: Intelligence agents intercepted these conversations between members of the Marcos family.

Bongbong: O, ibabalik na natin ang ill-gotten wealth sa gobyerno. Pero konti lang.

Imee: Huh? May ninakaw ba ang pamilya natin sa gobyerno?

Bongbong:

Imee: Nagtatanong lang! Ang liit-liit ko pa no’n ‘di ba?

* * * * *

Bongbong: Nagpasabi na ako kay Presidente. Ibabalik natin sa gobyerno ang bahagi ng ating kayamanan.

Imee: Ibabalik?!?!? So aaminin nating nagnakaw ang ating pamilya?!?

Bongbong: Bakit? Sa tingin mo ba may naniniwala pang ‘di tayo nagnakaw?

Imee: Hoy! Marami pa ring tanga sa Pilipinas.

Bongbong: So gusto mo, ‘wag na lang nating aminin?

Imee: Gusto ko, ‘wag na lang nating ibalik!

Bongbong:

Imee: Fine! Pero ‘wag nating sabihing “ibabalik.” Dapat “idu-donate!”

* * * * *

Bongbong: Ma, sinabi ko na ho kay Presidente, ibabalik natin ang portion ng ating kayamanan sa gobyerno. Pumayag naman. Two installments.

Imelda: Anong kapalit?

Bongbong: Sa first installment, ‘yung paglilibing kay Papa sa Libingan ng mga Bayani.

Imelda: Eh ‘yung second installment?

Bongbong: ‘Wag mo munang intindihin ‘yun, malakas ka pa naman.

Imelda: Puta ka!

* * * * *

Bongbong: Anak, dapat mong malaman… ibabalik natin sa government ang bahagi ng wealth ng family?

Sandro: What?!? IBABALIK?!? Did I hear it right?

Bongbong: Yes, why?

Sandro: My goodness, Dad! You should have not used the term IBABALIK! Ang bobo lang.

Bongbong: Dahan-dahan ka sa pananalita mo. Tatay mo ‘ko.

Sandro: Mali ka kasi eh! Hindi dapat ‘ibabalik!’ Dapat ‘ISOSOLI’ kasi mas familiar ang millennials sa word na ‘yun.

Bongbong: Ako pa talaga ang bobo. ‘Tang inang buhay ‘to.
______________________________________________________________________________________
“The secret lies of manipulative folks, however hidden and cunningly twisted shall eventually come out. Never trust manipulative politically motivated, sly liars while they pretend to be ‘true friends’ with noble and just cause.
~Angelica Hopes

Sound Bites
“You asked for the assignment sa Leyte, namatay ang mayor doon. You asked for another assignment sa Ozamiz, namatay ang mayor doon, si Parojinog. Ngayon, gusto mo sa Iloilo, kasi si Mabilog has been identified as a protector. Mabuhay kaya siya?”
~President Duterte to Chief Insp. Jovie Espenido

“It’s a damage-control measure pero too bad for them, na-late sila; kasi ang initial instinct ni Duterte ay magtago. It took them more than a week bago nila naisip na ganito ‘yung magandang gimik. Pero gimik lang ‘yan.”
~Sen. Antonio Trillanes on Duterte’s meeting with Kian’s parents

Indeed.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Kian’s Parents/Inquirer.Net;  Aguirre: DOJ; Espenido: Manila Bulletin]





THE BAR

21 08 2017

1Symbol

An old man, a drug dependent, and a murderer walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Good evening Mr. President.”

* * * * *

Martin Andanar walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Secretary, can I get you anything?” Andanar ponders, “What’s the best can you offer me?” The bartender replies, “A good editor.”

* * * * *

A group of majority bloc senators walk into a bar. The majority leader tells the bartender, “I believe we already have a reservation.” The bartender replies, “Of course! In fact, the President has been waiting for you.”

* * * * *

A Caloocan City cop was sitting at a bar. The bartender came over and asked, “What’s your order sir?”

The cop answered, “I’m ordering you to disable all the CCTVs.”

* * *

A palace spokesman was also sitting at the bar. The bartender approached him and asked, “Did you hear it Mr. Secretary? That cop wanted me to disable the CCTVs!”

The palace spokesman replied, “It’s just a hyperbole. Don’t take him seriously.”

* * *

Dick Gordon, Tito Sotto, and Koko Pimentel were also there. They refused to believe the bartender’s claim and dismissed it as hearsay.

* * * * *

The bartender noticed Alan Peter Cayetano and his sister, Pia seated nearby and asked for their opinion. The siblings said, “We didn’t hear anything. No comment.”

* * *

Later that night, a 17-year-old walks into a bar. He comes out in a stretcher. Nobody saw what happened. The CCTVs were disabled.

1Symbol
Mocha Uson, Bruce Rivera, and two gnomes walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “Where’d you get those trolls?”

Mocha Uson and Bruce Rivera answer, “These are not trolls! These are gnomes, idiot!”

The bartender replies, “I was talking to the gnomes!”

* * * * *

A sad-looking Mocha Uson walks into a bar. While checking the menu, she tells the bartender, “I wanna have fun. I want to be genuinely happy. I want to feel great. What should I have? Any suggestions?”

The bartender replies, “Ahm, brain?”

* * * * *

Joseph Estrada walks into a bar. Loi Ejercito appears and says, “It’s only 3 AM! Go back to our room!”

* * * * *

A group of congressmen walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve politicians here.” The congressmen chorused, “It’s fine. We don’t serve you either.”

* * * * *

A preacher, a billionaire, and a homophobe walked into a bar. Everyone was like, “Pacman, pa-autograph naman!”
——————————————————————————————————————————–
“You have to quit confusing madness with a mission.”
~Flannery O’Connor

Sound Bites
1DuterteQuotes

It’s on you butcher, it’s on you.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Seal: Lei Reyes Marin Jr.; Credits to the owner of the Duterte quotes compilation. Somebody tweeted that to me sans attribution tho.]






IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES

7 08 2017

PRESIDENT DUTERTE is being lauded for signing into law a measure granting full government subsidy to tuition in state universities and colleges. Co-authors of the Free Tertiary Education Act like JV Ejercito and principal sponsor Bam Aquino were also praised for relentlessly pushing for the bill’s approval. On Twitter though, government-paid propagandist Mocha Uson – who was in her usual pathetic element – had this to say:

1MochangTongk

Lawmakers have successfully passed key pieces of legislation recently. We appeal to them to please legislate idiocy.

Fool
For “playing with dangerous toys,” North Korean President Kim Jong Un has been called names by President Duterte. Duterte described Kim as a “son of a bitch,” “tarantado” and “buang.” After hearing those insults, Kim Jong Un described Duterte as “suicidal.”

“Unexplained”
The estranged wife of Comelec Chairman Andres Bautista revealed her husband might have amassed close to a billion pesos in unexplained or ill-gotten wealth including several bank deposits, which were not mentioned in his SALN. Patricia Paz Bautista also bared she visited Malacañang recently and told President Duterte about it. She was probably looking for someone who would understand the issue of ‘bank deposits’ and ‘incomplete SALN.’ She came to the right place.

1AndyWfe
Comelec Chairman Andres Bautista accused his estranged wife, Patricia Paz Bautista of extortion. In a press conference held Sunday, Mrs. Bautista said she allegedly discovered several passbooks as well as bank and real property documents belonging to Chairman Bautista. But the embattled Comelec chief said Patricia was asking for a 620-million-peso settlement from him which, he said was way too much. He can only afford 619 million pesos.

As former chair of the PCGG, Andy Bautista was tasked with going after the ill-gotten wealth of the Marcos family. Now, Malacañang is seriously considering Patricia Paz Bautista for the post.

Irreconcilable
House Speaker Pantaleon Alvarez has formally filed his pet bill seeking to legalize the dissolution of marriages. The bill is being supported by the so-called Makabayan bloc, two opposition lawmakers, and the House Speaker’s new girlfriend.

1MochangTongk
As promised, House Speaker Pantaleon Alvarez filed a bill seeking to legalize the dissolution of marriages. Minutes after formally filing the bill, Alvarez received a ‘Thank You’ note from Comelec Chairman Andy Bautista.

House Speaker Pantaleon Alvarez has formally filed House Bill No. 6027, titled “An Act Providing for Grounds for the Dissolution of a Marriage.” The possible grounds include irreconcilable differences or severe or chronic unhappiness. You might want to read the bill, Sharon Cuneta.

Too Late
Last week, the Office of the Ombudsman filed charges against a congressman from Mountain Province for violation of the Anti-Graft and Corrupt Practices Act. But the lawmaker, Maximo Dalog is already dead. He passed away last June. Apparently, the Office of the Ombudsman finds it fitting to file a late case against the late congressman.

Graduates
Fifty-three former drug addicts recently ‘graduated’ from the mega-drug rehab center in Nueva Ecija. However, the ‘graduates’ decided to boycott the graduation ceremonies when they learned the commencement speakers were Supt. Marvin Marcos and Ozamiz City Police Chief Jovie Espenido.

Poor Vision
According to the latest study of the Department of Health, over two million Filipinos nationwide are blind. Some people are questioning the results of the study saying the number is “close to 16 million.”
________________________________________________________________________________
“A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.”
~Michel de Montaigne

1MochangTongk
Sound Bites
“That chubby face that looks kind. That son of a bitch. If he commits a mistake, the Far East will become an arid land. It must be stopped, this nuclear war.”
~President Duterte on Kim Jong Un

Pot. Kettle. Black.

Elsewhere
WHAT IN THE WORLD: A big data analysis by three communications professors shows that the production of fake news articles has been rapidly growing

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Andy Bautista: CNN Philippines; Patricia Bautista: Lyn Rillon/Inquirer.Net; Cartoon: SMSHunt.com]





ABANDONED

2 08 2017

0BruceRivera
DUTERTE FANATIC Bruce Rivera threatened to file criminal charges against Rappler, its CEO Maria Ressa and reporter Pia Ranada for allegedly calling him and his fellow Ka-DDS “trolls.” Rivera also took offense at Prof. Winnie Monsod who called him and Mocha Uson “trolls” during a TV guesting. In a related development, trolls from Scandinavian folklore and Norse mythology are filing a case against Rappler and Winnie Monsod for comparing them to Bruce Rivera and Mocha Uson.

The Parojinogs
Drug suspect and Ozamiz City Mayor Reynaldo Parojinog, his wife Susan, and 13 others were killed in a pre-dawn raid on the family’s compound last Sunday. Photos of their lifeless, bullet-ridden bodies are now circulating online. Neighbors described that fateful Sunday as “one of the bloodiest” while President Duterte described it as “one of my favorites.”

01Parojinog
The mayor’s daughter, Vice Mayor Nova Princess Parojinog and her brother, Reynaldo Jr. were arrested and detained at Camp Crame. They will stay there until the day “na sila ay manlaban.” Abangan!

VACC
Detained Ozamiz City Vice Mayor Nova Princess Parojinog is asking the VACC to help investigate the death of her parents and 13 others in a raid last Sunday. Vowing swift action, the VACC has started to gather information on the whereabouts of Sen. Leila De Lima when the raid was conducted.

Reckless
In a recent speech in New York City, US President Donald Trump told cops to be rough and not to be “too nice” to suspected criminals. Police chiefs from around the world condemned Trump’s statement calling it “reckless,” “irresponsible,” and Duterte-inspired.

Unprofessional
Responding to Trump’s “irresponsible” and “unprofessional” statement, the New York Police Department said, “Our training and policies only allow for measures that are reasonable and necessary under any circumstances.” To which, Supt. Marvin Marcos said, “Pwede pala ‘yun?”

0BruceRivera
Abandoned
Emilita Apostol-Alvarez, wife of House Speaker Pantaleon Alvarez revealed he abandoned her for another woman last year. When your husband’s role model is a guy named Rodrigo Duterte, what do you expect?

Abandoned II
House Speaker Pantaleon Alvarez abandoned his wife, Emilita last year. He now lives with another woman. But Emelita says she won’t give up on her marriage to philandering Pantaleon because she’s the legal wife. And Elizabeth Zimmerman was like, “‘Yan din ang sabi ko noon.”

Shabu Shipment
Customs Commissioner Nicanor Faeldon is under fire for his agency’s failure to stop the entry of a shipment of 605 kilos of high-grade “shabu” estimated to be worth 6.4-billion pesos last May. During a Lower House hearing, congressmen ganged up on him and called for his immediate resignation. But on Tuesday in Malacañang, Presidente Duterte told Faeldon he would not be fired.. He also told House Speaker Pantaleon Alvarez to try harder next time.

The Priest
Monsignor Arnel Lagarejos, a 55-year-old priest, was arrested while taking a 13-year-old girl to a motel in Marikina City. Grabe. THIRTEEN YEARS OLD? That’s a minor offense.

0BruceRivera
Apology
In Episode 3 of ‘Game of Thrones,’ Daenerys Targaryen apologized for the atrocities committed by her father Aerys II, the Mad King. The atrocities happened long before Dany was born. That’s the reason why the apology came as a shock and disappointment to Imee Marcos.
——————————————————————————————————————————
“Surrender is no guarantee that an armed police officer will not shoot you.
~Steven Magee

Sound Bites
“As an addict user of the opioid Fentanyl, Duterte is the No. 1 drug addict in the Philippines and is the most fitting target of the police units that he has turned into death squads and corrupted with money and promotions.”
~CPP Founding Chair Jose Ma. Sison

“If he is a true revolutionary leader, he should come home and join his people. The NPA members should realize that while they fight in the field, their leader lives a comfortable life abroad.”
~President Duterte on Jose Ma. Sison

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Bruce Rivera: Wenwen Zaspa/Cebu Daily News; Parojinog Mugshots: ABSCBN News; Emilita Alvarez:ABSCBN News]





SIGNAL NO. 4 (WALANG PASOK!)

29 07 2017

000Typhoon
HERE’S our annual (updated) list of typhoons. Prepare for the worst. Stay alert.

Typhoon Duterte
Malaking pinsala ang dulot nito lalo na sa mga lugar kung saan maraming nakatirang mahihirap. Marami-rami na rin ang iniwang patay ng pananalasa ng bagyong ito.

Typhoon Erap
Dahil sa kabi-kabilang publicity at report tungkol sa bagyong ito, pinaghandaang mabuti ng mga tao si typhoon Erap. Mabagal na ang galaw niya pero grabe pa rin ang pananalanta. Hindi ma-predict kung kailan ito tuluyang i-exit.

Typhoon Cayetano
Noong tropical depression pa lamang, may kaingayan ang sama ng panahong ito. Nang maging ganap na bagyo na, saka naman nanahimik: walang kulog at walang kidlat. Hindi masyadong nararamdaman. Maging ang kapatid nitong bagyo, tahimik na rin.

Typhoon Marcos
Mahabang panahong nanalanta sa Pilipinas ang bagyong ito at nag-iwan ng matinding pinsala sa iba’t ibang panig ng bansa. Recently, may pagtatangka ang ilang bayarang meteorologists na i-downplay ang damage na naidulot ng bagyong ito upang lokohin ang publiko lalo na ang mga kabataang hindi pa ipinapanganak nang tumama sa Pilipinas ang nasabing kalamidad.

Typhoon Robredo
Hindi kalakasan ang bagyong ito ngunit dahil sa mali-maling impormasyong kumakalat, marami ang natatakot sa kanya.

Typhoon Teo
May mga nagki-claim na dahil sa bagyong ito, lumago raw ang ani ng mga magsasaka. Misleading pala ang data.

Typhoon Mocha
Ang pekeng bagyo. Maraming naloloko dahil sa napakadilim na kaulapan na sinasabayan ng matatalim na kidlat at malakas na kulog. Akala ng mga tao, bubuhos ang napakalakas na ulan. They were wrong. Ambon lang pala. Kahit kailan, mapanlinlang ang weather disturbance na ito.

Typhoon Andanar
Hindi na masyadong visible sa radar ng PAGASA ang bagyong ito. ‘Buti naman.

Typhoon Pacquiao
Tuluyan nang humina ang bagyong ito. Ngunit may babala ang mga eksperto: baka raw bumalik sa 2022 ang bagyong Pacquiao at magdala ng mas malaking panganib sa buong bansa.

Typhoon Joma
Matagal nang wala sa Philippine Area of Responsibility ang bagyong ito. Hindi na masyadong pinapansin at ‘di na kinatatakutan ng mga tao.

Typhoon Bato
Ang bagyong tamad. Puro kulog, kidlat at sipol pero wala namang ulan. Buti sana kung may ulan, at least mapakikinabangan sa mga sakahan.

Typhoon Joy Belmonte
Napakabagal kumilos ng bagyong ito. Urong-sulong din. Hindi mo alam kung tutuloy o hindi.

Typhoon Vitaliano
Hindi pala siya totoong bagyo. Mali ang balita. Fake!

Typhoon Tulfo
Ang bagyong napakahangin. Laging may pagbabanta. Mag-ingat!
—————————————————————————————————————————–
“Arrogance combined with stubbornness is a ticking bomb.”
~Unarine Ramaru

000Anderson
In other news…
Lawyer Mandy Mercado Anderson, the chief of staff of Customs chief Nicanor Faeldon, called House Speaker Pantaleon Alvarez “imbecile” on Facebook. It was unfair, uncalled for, and offensive. Anderson must apologize to the imbeciles of this world for comparing them with Alvarez.

Sound Bites
“Tinawagan ako sa cellphone ng head executive assistant niya na ‘yung marching orders ni Speaker was to bring hell to me and the commissioner.”
~Atty. Mandy Anderson re: House Speaker when Customs Chief Faeldon rejected the Speaker’s recommendation to promote a certain Sandy Sacluti

“The Ombudsman can never be silenced. They can attempt to repress the messenger but it will never suppress the message.”
~Ombudsman Conchita Carpio Morales on Duterte’s SONA remark against her office

Briefly Noted
In 2013, Bureau of Customs officials Teotimo Sacluti and Vivian Sacluti were found guilty of misdeclaring wealth in their SALNs. Are they related to Sandy Sacluti whose backer is no less than the House Speaker?

Hmmm.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Flood: Associated Press; Mandy Anderson/Alvarez: Rappler]





DIGONG SHOW

25 07 2017

724RapplerPutangIna
LAST MONDAY, July 24, President Duterte delivered his second and last State of the Nutcase Nation Address.

President Duterte was in his usual element – cursing and joking from the start ’til the end of his profanity-laden speech. He didn’t talk that much about the state of the nation but his words exposed so much about the state of his mental health.

Lawmakers, Cabinet men, and supporters laughed at his jokes. While talking about his brutal war on drugs, he said, “I value human life the way I value mine.” That was his funniest joke – ever.

Virulent
Reiterating his pro-death penalty stance, President Duterte insisted that a criminal couldn’t be reformed because “the son of a bitch is a human being with a virulent brain.” He just proved it.

Despite local and international pressure, Duterte said he would continue the bloody and violent anti-drug war. Or as Supt. Marvin Marcos would call it, “job opportunity.”

Communists
According to President Duterte, CPP-NPA founding chairman Jose Maria Sison is sick with colon cancer. Duterte won’t confirm rumors though they have the same oncologist.

Overall, militant groups gave Duterte’s SONA a failing grade. To be specific, they gave him a Stage 4 out of 10.

Duterte vs. the Media
As expected, Duterte attacked the media in his speech. In particular, he called on social news network, Rappler (for being foreign-owned, allegedly) and broadcast giant, ABS-CBN for alleged unfair reporting. Surprisingly, there was no specific mention of the Philippine Daily Inquirer, his soon-to-be-favorite broadsheet.

724Inquirer
A day after Duterte’s SONA, the Philippine Daily Inquirer came out with a banner story titled, “DUTERTE BULLIES ‘ENEMIES’ IN SONA. To which, Duterte reacted, “Enjoy it while it lasts.”

Failon
The President commended Ted Failon for doing an episode on mining in his weekend program. Failon was the only broadcaster lauded by Duterte in his SONA – prompting the Tulfo brothers to ask, “What else should we do?”

Moral
Duterte also lambasted human rights advocates for supporting detained Senator Leila De Lima saying, “Can she be a moral person?” Duterte was supposed to expound on the issue of morality but realized Pantaleon Alvarez was just behind him and he might take offense.

724Nancyjpg
Tired
Sen. Nancy Binay fell asleep while President Duterte was delivering his speech. And for the first time since Nancy attended the annual event, netizens could relate to her.

While President Duterte was delivering his second State of the Nation Address, TV cameras caught Sen. Nancy Binay sleeping. To be fair to Nancy, Congress OJTs are allowed one hour of rest per day.

Patriot?
President Duterte reiterated his appeal to the United States to return the three Balangiga bells seized by American soldiers from a church in Eastern Samar almost a century ago saying “they are part of our national heritage.” We salute the President for his patriotism. Will he be as passionate if we start calling it Balangiga Shoal, Balangiga Reef, or Balangiga Sea?

No?

Fine.

Lûlû
For the first time in history, a president used the Visayan term for masturbation in his SONA. Apparently, Duterte couldn’t help it because he was speaking in front of so many dicks.

Erap
Controversial Manila Mayor Joseph “Manila Bay” Estrada attended the event at the Batasang Pambansa. Some people thought he was there to conduct a clean-up drive considering the staggering amount of garbage present at the venue.

In Other News…
DOT’s Wanda Tulfo-Teo reported that tourism revenue rose to P220.30 billion during the first year of the Duterte administration. Congratulations, and thank you to the brilliant and hardworking Tourism secretary, Ramon Jimenez!
_______________________________________________________________________________________
“This and no other is the root from which a tyrant springs; when he first appears he is a protector.”
~Plato

Sound Bites
“Rambling, shouting, warning, and bullying his ‘enemies.’ He knows what issues click, what emojis to use. To be populist than being right.”
~Akbayan Party-list Rep. Tomasito Villarin on Duterte’s Second Sona

Lûlû.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte: Rappler; Inquirer.net]








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