SLAM BOOK: MAYOR DUTERTE

15 01 2016

WE RESUME our SLAM BOOK SERIES with a feature on tough-talking Davao City mayor and presidential aspirant Rodrigo Duterte.

1RD
2RD
3RD
4RD
5RD

Sound Bites
“I was also charged with acts of lasciviousness. But you know the woman was really very, very beautiful that if you do not touch her, you will die. I was just saving my life.”
~Mayor Rodrigo Duterte

‘Tang-ina.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





DQ

5 12 2015

1Trio
SENATOR GRACE POE has been disqualified by the Commission on Elections. And she has to hurdle three more disqualification cases. Continuing what FPJ has started indeed.

Comelec’s Second Division has disqualified Grace Poe from running for president in next year’s elections. Or as some LP stalwarts would say, “One down, two to go.”

Sen. Grace Poe believes her two fiercest foes were behind the disqualification cases filed against her. Mar Roxas has already denied the allegation while Sheryl Cruz has refused to comment.

According to the Comelec’s Second Division, Grace Poe made false claims about her period of residency in the country when she filed her COC for president. In other words, she lied – further fueling speculations that Grace Poe and Bongbong Marcos are siblings because, you know, as Susan Roces once said, “Ang sinungaling ay kapatid ng… “

Christmas Rush
It was hellish on EDSA last Friday, December 4. Traffic was so horrendous motorists were heard cursing Pope Francis.

Confessions
A confessed womanizer, presidential aspirant Rodrigo Duterte says he’s got two wives and two girlfriends. In the words of Joseph Estrada, “a saint.”

1Trio.jpg1rd
PI 100
Slammed for cursing Pope Francis, presidential aspirant Rodrigo Duterte vows to never swear in public again. He promises to donate 1000 pesos to the Caritas Davao Foundation everytime he would be caught swearing. In a statement, officers of the foundation said, “It’s normal for humans to curse. Go ahead, Mayor! Express yourself.”

Free Wi-Fi
If elected president, Vice President Binay vows free wi-fi access nationwide. Aside from free wi-fi, Binay also promises free Jinggoy, free Bong, free GMA, and free Enrile.

Texting
On Dec. 3, 1992, the first ever text message was sent. It was “Merry Christmas.” The sender then received the first ever text-reply: “Hu u?”

New Year
According to the Chineze zodiac, 2016 will be the Year of the Monkey. It’s also an election year. Coincidence?
———————————————————————————————————————————————
“Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as dangerous. In war you can only be killed once, but in politics many times.”
~Winston Churchill

Sound Bites
“‘Di ba parang masakit sa kalooban mong mananalo ang team mo by default? Parang basketball lang. Ay, nanalo ang barangay natin! Eh kasi hindi sumipot ‘yong kabilang team.”
~Sen. Grace Poe on her disqualification

Be honest.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Poe/Mar/Binay: Inquirer.Net; Duterte: Online]





DUTERTE, CONCUBINAGE, AND OTHER STORIES

27 11 2015

1DIONG
DAVAO CITY MAYOR Rodrigo Duterte topped the latest Pulse Asia survey on preferred candidates for president in the National Capital Region. The poll was conducted even before the tough-talking mayor officially declared his intention to run. He’s killing it!

Here’s the copy of the questionnaire used in the NCR survey.

Pulse Asia
Third Quarter Survey
National Capital Region

SINO ANG IBOBOTO mo sa pagkapangulo sa 2016? Magpasya habang binabasa ang sumusunod na tanong.

1: Araw ng eleksyon. Patungo ka sa presinto para bumoto, sakay ng jeep, nang biglang may magdeklara ng holdup. Sino ang iboboto mo sa 2016?
_ Binay
_ Duterte
_ Poe
_ Roxas
_ Santiago

2. ‘Yong ex mong guwapo, addict na ngayon. Grabe kasi ang bentahan ng drugs sa kanilang lugar. Sino ang iboboto mo sa 2016?
_ Binay
_ Duterte
_ Poe
_ Roxas
_ Santiago

3: Inutang lang ng iyong nanay ang ibinili n’yo ng bigas. Matapos isaing, peke pala ang nabili mong bigas. Malamang, smuggled! Sino ang iboboto mo sa 2016?
_ Binay
_ Duterte
_ Poe
_ Roxas
_ Santiago

4: May asthma ka. Tahimik kang nagbabasa sa isang pampublikong park nang may maupo sa tabi mo. Grabe kung manigarilyo ang damuho. Daig pa ang tambutso. Eh malinaw naman ang nakasulat sa karatula: No Smoking. Sino ang iboboto mo sa 2016?
_ Binay
_ Duterte
_ Poe
_ Roxas
_ Santiago

5: Na-late ka sa iyong trabaho. Grabe kasi ang traffic dahil sa mga motoristang walang disiplina. Ang dami pa ring bus driver na nagbababa ng pasahero sa gitna ng EDSA. Sino ang iboboto mo sa 2016?
_ Binay
_ Duterte
_ Poe
_ Roxas
_ Santiago

Maraming salamat sa paglahok sa survey na ito. Makakaasa kang mabibilang ang iyong boto. Ingat sa pag-uwi. Paalala: ‘Wag kang basta-basta maglalabas ng cellphone, baka ma-snatch. Sino nga palang iboboto mo sa 2016?

—Nothing follows—

1DIONGConcubinage
Judy Amante, wife of Agusan Del Sur Rep. Erlpe John Amante has filed concubinage charges against the congressman and his alleged mistress, Katrina Mortola. Congressman Amante has refused to be interviewed by the media. He was last seen leaving his home in Cabadbaran City waving goodbye to his kids, his maids, and his political career.

Disaster-Prone
According to a study conducted by the UN Office for Disaster Risk Reduction (UNDRR), the Philippines is the fourth most disaster-prone country in the world. The study covered weather-related disasters only. We would have ranked higher if the study also covered government and politics.

1DIONG
Vandolph
Reacting to his mom’s interview on ANC’s Headstart recently, actor Vandolph Quizon said TV host Karen Davila humiliated his mom on national TV. Vandolph just proved that he is indeed Dolphy’s son. He’s so funny.

According to Vandolph, ANC host Karen Davila humiliated his mom on national TV. That’s nothing Vandolph. Wait ’til thinking Filipino voters humiliate your mom in the national elections.

Vandolph explained that Karen Davila should have respected Alma because she’s the “chairman of the Philippine Councilors League” for years. In response, Davila said Alma should have respected the Senate because the institution has been there for decades.
—————————————————————————————————————————————
“Dictators long ago found that it is easier to unite people in common hatred than in common love.”
~Dagobert Runes, A Dictionary of Thought

2016 Elections
A natural-born Filipino
A non-natural-born Filipino
A natural-born thief
A natural stubborn
A natural-born killer

Sound Bites
“If I become president, I advise you people to put up several funeral parlor businesses because I am against illegal drugs… I might kill someone because of it.”
~Davao City Mayor Rodrigo Duterte

Elsewhere
Is a benevolent dictatorship possible?
“People don’t have to be killed; they just have to be held accountable. After all, righting the ship requires the choice of everyone on board, not the fear that the captain might kill you. You can obey traffic rules to avoid imprisonment or you can just obey traffic rules because that’s what non-a-holes do in a civilized society. You can refrain from stealing taxpayer’s money in fear of being executed by the ruler of the land or you can just stop doing that because people’s lives are actually at stake.”

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte: Philstar.Com; Amante: Congress.ph; Vandolph: ABSCBNPR]





DEAR CHARO: TWERK IT LIKE LP

3 10 2015

MAALAALA MO KAYA
Episode No. 1215
October 3, 2015

PAALALA: Maaari kayong manalo ng 1,000-peso load kung mahuhulaan n’yo ang pamagat ng episode natin ngayong gabi. Kailangang may sagot na kayo bago matapos ang inyong pagbabasa. Limang mapapalad na readers ang magwawagi. Good luck.

(Before reading the letter, click this video and wait for the music to play.)

MINSAN sa buhay ng tao, dumarating ang puntong sinusubok ang kanyang katatagan. Susuko ba siya o lalaban?

Magandang gabi, Kapamilya. Ang ating tampok na kwento ay hango sa padalang liham ng isang miyembro ng Playfulgirls – isang grupo ng sexy dancers. Itago na lang natin siya sa pangalang Francheska.

Pero bago ‘yan, October 2015 na pala. Napakabilis ng panahon. Napakaraming pagbabago sa ating paligid. Ang hindi lang nagbago ay ang letter-senders sa aking programa. Hanggang ngayon, nagpapadala pa rin sila ng liham. Pwede naman nilang i-blog na lang o kaya i-email. Bakit kailangang lumiham pa. Ano ‘to? ‘80s?

Buweno, simulan na natin ang pagbabasa ng liham ni Francheska.

“Dear Charo,

Miyembro ako ng Playfulgirls – isang grupo ng mga seksing babaeng sumasayaw sa mga event at party. Malinis ang trabaho namin. Konting giling, konting lambing… pera.

Tahimik naman po ang buhay namin hanggang sa dumating ang isang pangyayaring naglagay sa amin sa kahihiyan. Pinag-usapan, hinusgahan. Napakasakit po.

Nagsimula po ito sa isang good news mula sa aming manager.

Last week. Somewhere in QC.
“O, girls… tumawag si Chairman. May raket tayo! Magtu-twerk kayo sa harap ng isang congressman! Bongga! Kumikitang kabuhayan na naman! Galingan ang pagsayaw huh! Congressman ‘yan! Madatung.”

“Eh mamita, hindi ba thunderdome na ‘yang congressman na ‘yan? Baka ‘di kami ma-appreciate, sayang naman.”

“Gaga! Congressman ‘yan! Kesehodang naka-diaper pa ‘yan, importante ang inyong performance! ‘Tsaka may mga kaibigang mayor o konsehal ‘yan. ‘Pag na-impress n’yo sila, kukunin kayo sa kampanya!”

* * *

Charo, nagulat kami nang dumating sa venue. Oath-taking pala ng mga bagong miyembro ng Liberal Party ang event na aming pinuntahan at hindi private party. May mga bata pa at estudyante! Pero dahil professional kami, tuloy ang show!

At ito na nga ang mga sumunod na pangyayari…

1Playfulgirls01

1Playfulgirls02

1Playfulgirls03

1Playfulgirls04

Kung naloka kayo, naloka rin kami. Feeling namin, na-set up kami.

Sa totoo lang Charo, pang-adult talaga ang ni-rehearse namin. Kung sinabihan lang kaming buong barangay pala ang invited, dapat nag-singkil na lang kami.

At ito pa ang nakakaloka. Napansin n’yo ba ang stage backdrop? “40 Years In Service” – Ibang service yata ang tinutukoy ni Congressman. Alam ba ng asawa niya ‘yan?

Sorry nga pala Charo, photos lang ang kalakip ng liham ko pero pwede mong makita ang video dito.

So ‘yon na nga! Grabe ang reaksyon sa Internet. Kung anu-anong pangalan ang itinawag sa amin. Hinusgahan agad kami. Na kesyo malaswa, madumi, malibag, puro tuwad ang alam, bayaran, mababang uri, at iba pang masasakit na salita.

Nag-trend pa kami sa Twitter, Charo. Pero ang pinakamasakit sa lahat, ang denial ni Chairman.

“I was just a guest at the birthday party. I did not bring any dancer or singer. The emcee probably got misinformed.”

Ang sakit Chairman. Bakit mo nagawa ‘yon? Metro Manila Denial Authority ka talaga! Matagal na tayong friends, alam mo ‘yan! 2013 pa lang, kinukuha mo na kami sa kampanya ‘tapos ngayon, biglang: “I was just a guest at the birthday party?!” Pastilan! Yawa!

1agarao22
Charo, nasa tamang edad naman kami. Hindi kami pinilit magsayaw dahil trabaho naman talaga ito. Marangal na trabaho. Pero wala naman sanang laglagan. Pati ‘tong si Congressman, grabe kung makapagsalita. Kung mai-describe niya kami, parang isang object ang tingin niya sa amin! Sabi niya…

“Pangkaraniwan na ho iyan sa probinsiya, may nagreregalo ng entertainment.”

Regalo??? Regalo, Charo?!? Sumagot ka Charo! Tama bang tawagin kaming regalo???! Charo! Nakatulog ka na yata! [Francheska, hindi ako nakatulog, binabasa ko nga ang liham mo ‘di ba?] Hindi kami regalo Congressman! Binayaran kami! Nagtrabaho kami. Anong regalo ang pinagsasasabi mo d’yan!

Charo, naiintindihan namin ang reaksyon ni Mar Roxas pero nasaktan pa rin kami nang slight nang sabihin niyang:

“Iwaksi natin ang ganitong klaseng mga gimik, lalo pa’t nakakabastos ito.”

1Twerk
Inuulit namin… wala kaming kaalam-alam na public event pala ang aming pinuntahan. Kung nabastusan ka sa amin sir, we’re not surprised. Basta! I don’t want to elaborate.

Nagpapasalamat nga pala kami kay Congw. Leni Robredo sa kanyang concern. Sabi niya kasi kahapon:

“Walang puwang sa aming partido ang kahit anong gawaing niyuyurakan ang karapatan at dignidad ng kababaihan.”

Balita namin ma’am, tatakbo raw kayong vice president. Parang recently lang po, sabi n’yo hindi kayo ready sa mas mataas na puwesto lalo na kung bise presidente. After just a month, biglang ready? Anyareh? Dahil po concerned kayo sa amin, concerned din po kami sa inyo. Kung kayo ay napipilitan lang dahil sa pressure ng LP, ‘wag n’yo nang ituloy. Mag-senador muna kayo.

Charo, hindi mo ba napapansin? Lumalayo na tayo sa isyu. Nasa pulitika na tayo pero tuloy pa rin ang pagbabasa mo sa aking liham. Hindi ba ito na-edit ng iyong headwriter?

‘Yon lang Charo ang punto ko at ng aming grupo. Nais naming iparating kay Chairman at kay Congressman na nasasaktan kami sa kanilang mga sinasabi. Manindigan naman sana sila at matutong umako sa responsibilidad.

Walang laglagan sa tuwid na daan.

Gumagalang,

Francheska

[Muling i-click ang music para mas ramdam ang closing ni Ma’m Charo. Huwag ituloy ang pagbabasa hangga’t di naririnig si Dulce.]

Mga Kapamilya… sa huling statement ni Congressman Agarao, sinabi nitong wala siyang nakikitang bastos sa ginawa ng Playfulgirls sa harap ng maraming tao: bata, matanda, lalaki, babae, estudyante. Sa katunayan aniya, maraming congressman ang nanonood ng adult shows kung saan naka-cage pa ang mga babae – hanggang madaling araw.

Kitang-kita natin ang mentalidad ng kongresistang ito. Ayaw kong madamay sa pulitika ang ating programa kaya’t iiwan ko sa inyo ang pag-aanalisa at pagpapasya.

Good luck nga pala sa mga huhula sa episode title. Ito po si Charo Santos na nagsasabing, “Respect for ourselves guides our morals; respect for others guides our manners.” Magandang gabi, Kapamilya.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

“REGALO”

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Tama ba ang hula mo? To claim your prize, padalhan mo muna ng 300 pesos na load ang number na ito: 0905-8903030. Call us now. Atty. Buboy Cervantes nga pala ito. [Per DTI-NCR Permit No. 3 Series of 2015]
——————————————————————————————————————————–

Sound Bites
“It depends on how you appreciate things. Like me, I’m a real man, I see nothing lewd. In Manila, some women dance in cages. In other provinces, your eyeballs will fall out and yet there is no malice. Here in Metro Manila, a lot of congressmen [watch these shows] until dawn
~Cong. Benjie Agarao

Raunchy
Shortly after the oath-taking of local Liberal Party recruits in Sta.Cruz, Laguna, a group of scantily-clad women known as Playgirls performed a naughty dance number with some male audience. Critics say LP members are “chauvinistic” and “pigs!” To which, Senator Drilon said, “Hoy! I’m not chauvinistic.”

Imelda
An online report claims former First Lady Imelda Marcos is against the rumored Binay and Bongbong tandem in 2016. Vice President Binay, who is being accused of stealing public funds has been described by Imelda as “madumi.” Imelda still hates competition.

Happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Playgirls: Screengrabbed from an Inquirer video; Agarao: Congress.gov.ph]





PRRRT! LISENSYA!

5 09 2015

1trafficPHILSTAR
Fifth
The Philippines, according to a recent report, has the fifth worst traffic situation in the world. If it’s any consolation, we’re under the “non-fatal” category.

The Police
Starting this week, burly officers of the PNP-Highway Patrol Group will be deployed to manage traffic in the metro. Expect to see those cops on EDSA especially during rush hour. Or as they would probably call it, “happy hour.”

The Police II
The PNP-Highway Patrol Group has been designated as lead traffic law enforcement agency on EDSA. Some motorists describe it as “unsettling” while some MMDA traffic enforcers call it, “loss of extra income.”

123rfdotcom
Scenarios
Cop: Alam mo ba kung bakit ka namin pinara?

Motorist: Dahil Biyernes ngayon at kailangan n’yo ng pang-inom mamayang gabi?

Cop:

Motorist: Joke lang boss. Ganito lang talaga ako. Mapagbiro.

* * * * *

Cop: Prrrt! Lisensya!

Motorist: Lisensya agad? ‘Di ba pwedeng mag-hi muna?

Cop:

Motorist: Hi! Hehe Grabe ka namang makasimangot sir. Heto na nga, hinahanap na.

* * * * *

Cop: Prrrrrt! Alam mo ba kung bakit kita pinahinto?!

Motorist: Ano ‘to? Quiz? Magmumulta kapag ‘di nakasagot???!

Cop:

Motorist: Ay! May No U-Turn sign pala. Sensya na sir. Malabo lang ang mata.

1qinteristingdotcom

Cop: Prrrt! Alam mo ba kung bakit kita pinara?!?

Motorist: Oo naman! Magkano ba?

Cop:

Motorist: Sorry! ‘Yong kahapon kasi nagsabi agad ng presyo. Akala ko ikaw ‘yon.

* * * * *

Cop: Prrrt! Alam mo ba kung bakit kita pinara?!?

Motorist: Alam mo bang less ang abala kung sasabihin mo na agad kung bakit?

Cop:

Motorist: Beating the red light sir. Sorry, naka-green pa kanina eh. Ang bagal kasi ng nasa unahan.

* * * * *

Cop: Alam mo ba kung bakit kita pinahinto?!?

Motorist: Dahil a-kinse ngayon at kakasuweldo ko lang?

Cop:

Motorist: Pero opinyon ko lang ‘yan sir. Ewan ko sa opinyon mo. Kanya-kanya lang ‘yan.

* * * * *

Cop: Prrrt! Alam mo ba kung bakit kita pinara?!?

Motorist: Dahil ‘di mo alam na uncle ko ang mayor dito?

Cop:

Motorist: Well actually, uncle talaga s’ya ng best friend ko. So, heto ang lisensya ko.

1iconshotdotcom

Cop: Prrrt! Alam mo ba kung bakit kita pinahinto?!?

Motorist: Ikaw ‘tong nanghuli, ba’t ako ang tatanungin mo?!

Cop:

Motorist: Grabe ka namang makatingin sir! Nagi-explain lang. Chill.

* * * * *

Cop: Prrrt! Alam mo ba kung bakit kita pinara?!?

Motorist: Trick question! Hindi mo naman ako pinara eh. Hinuli mo ako!

Cop:

Motorist: Lisensya ko sir. Ready na. Hehe

* * * * *

Cop: Alam mo ba kung bakit kita pinara?!

Motorist: May iba pa bang rason? Eh ‘di mangongotong!

Cop:

Motorist: Preemptive measure lang sir. Kung hindi ka mangongotong, eh ‘di mabuti.

* * *

Cop: Prrrt! Alam mo ba kung bakit kita pinara?!

Motorist: Yup! Dahil nag-swerve ako. But in my defense, may pulubing tumawid. Iniwasan ko ito kaya napilitan akong mag-swerve. Otherwise, mababangga ko ‘yong pulubi, mamamatay siya, makakasuhan ako ng reckless imprudence resulting in homicide, at masisira ang buhay ko. Nakapatay na nga ako, masisira pa ang buhay ko, nasaan ang fairness do’n? Kaya kung ako sa ‘yo sir, palalampasin ko na lang ang ginawa ko para hindi ka makunsensya in the future.

Cop:

Motorist: Fine! *hands over license* Basta ‘pag nasira ang buhay ko, ikaw ang sisisihin ko sir!

* * * * *

Cop: Prrrt! Lisensya!

Motorist: *hands over license*

Cop: *checks license*

Motorist:

Cop: Mayor!!! Sorry, ‘di kita agad nakilala. Ingat kayo sir, madulas ang daan.

1Dreamstim

Cop: Prrrt! Alam mo ba kung bakit kita pinara?

Motorist: Dahil wala akong choice! Pulis ka, nakauniporme, malaki ang katawan, may motorsiklong panghabol, may baril. Tell me, may choice ba ako?!?!

Cop:

Motorist: *hands over license* May point naman ako sir ‘di ba?
————————————————————————————————————————————————
“Leave sooner, drive slower, live longer.”
~Author Unknown

Sound Bites
“That is the clear direction, implementing an effective traffic law enforcement. The primary consideration here is to clear the choke points.”
~Palace spokesman Sonny Coloma

“I don’t think that is possible. No one has talked to me and I am definitely not interested. Definitely out of my psyche. What I am only focused now is the senatorial. Anything beyond that will not happen. Anything beyond that I am not ready.”
~Justice Sec. Leila De Lima on reports she’s being considered for the VP post

Have a great weekend! #WorthTheWait

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philstar.com, Iconshut.com, Qinteristing.com, 123RF.com; Dreamstime.com]





HIGH AND DRY

11 08 2015

1water‘Dry Season’
Due to Maynilad’s rotating water service interruptions, some areas in Metro Manila and Cavite will go “dry.” The President can relate.

1PBRThe Help
A recent tabloid report said Sen. Grace Poe maltreated a household help in the past. When sought for reaction, Binay opted to keep mum while Mar Roxas opted to let Korina answer the question because she is more familiar with the subject.

1waterRehab
The same tabloid report also claimed that Grace Poe checked into a rehab facility for drug addiction. Something that even Toby Tiangco wouldn’t believe saying he didn’t see her ‘inside.’

Untitled
#WalangForever
Saying the Liberal Party cannot stay in power “forever,” Vice President Binay’s spokesman Joey Salgado lambasted LP’s alleged “sinister agenda” to stay in power for 20 years. In other news, the Binays have been in power for almost 30 years now – and Alanis Morissette is so tempted to belt out one of her hit songs.

1waterCakes
Makati City announced that Goldilocks Bakeshop was the lone bidder for the contract to supply birthday cakes for Makati’s senior citizens. The popular bakeshop submitted a bid of P8.7M – lower than Makati’s approved budget of P9.3M. The savings will be used to shoulder the hospital expenses of obese and diabetic residents.

1waterAlcohol Tracker
There’s a smartphone app that can help users keep track of how much they have been drinking. A local tabloid says Sen. Grace Poe has downloaded it.

1waterPopulation
According to the Philippine Statistics Authority, the country’s population is expected to reach 101.6 million this year. Again, the number of Filipinos is expected to surpass 101 million this year. If you are single, what’s your excuse?
———————————————————————————————————————————————————–
[Photos: Maynilad, Makati Cake, Lacierda/Salgado: Inquirer.net; Grace Poe: PhilStar; Alcohol Tracker: SlappMe; Philippine Population: CNN]





DISASTERS

23 05 2015

index
THE CHIEF OF POLICE of Carmona, Cavite was sacked after he was caught on video torturing a suspected thief. For a change, the suspected thief was tortured. Normally, we elect them.

Rejected
Just days after Abigail Binay described a Binay-Poe tandem in 2016 as “ideal,” Sen. Grace Poe said she doesn’t see herself teaming up with the Vice President because, “Sa istilo ng paninilbihan, marahil ay talagang magkaiba kami. Naniniwala ako sa katapatan at pagiging bukas para mabusisi ng ating mga taumbayan.” She uttered those words because saying “Ayaw ko sa corrupt!” would be rude and libelous.

imagesAlternative
A day after Grace Poe rejected a Binay-Poe tandem in 2016, Vice President Binay said he’s considering Davao City Mayor Rodrigo Duterte as a potential running mate in next year’s elections. But Duterte says he’s not keen on running for vice president because he doesn’t have millions or billions to wage a nationwide campaign. And Vice President Binay was like, “Maliit na bagay.”

Rejected by Grace Poe, Vice President Binay is after Rodrigo Duterte. Tough-talking Duterte is after robbers and thieves. In the words of Grace Poe, “conflict of interest.”

Campaign Chest
Political analysts say a presidential candidate needs a campaign war chest of about 10 to 15 billion pesos. That’s the amount you need to apply for “the job.” And of course, you have to answer questions like, “Where do you see yourself depositing your loot in six years?”

Determined
Liberal Party stalwart and Caloocan City Rep. Edgar Erice says Mar Roxas will not slide down to be Grace Poe’s running mate in 2016. Or as Toby Tiangco put it, “the best news of the week.”

imagesLRT Accident
Two LRT trains collided early Sunday morning. Apparently, power fluctuation affected the signaling system and one of the drivers lost control. I was tempted to make a joke but it would be out of line.

Scrabble
New words like sexting, lolz, emoji, thankx and twerking made it to the latest edition of “Collins Official Scrabble Words.” But that’s kinda expected. You know what’s surprising? People still playing Scrabble these days.

Slow
In terms of Internet speed, the Philippines ranks 21st out of 22 countries in Asia. Our Internet connection is so slow, the punchline of this joke is still loading.

imagesThe Big One
When asked to rate the readiness of the MMDA in case of a strong earthquake, Chairman Francis Tolentino said, “50 percent.” To be fair, the MMDA is 100 percent ready for the this year’s MMFF.

Earthquake Movie
As the Philippines prepares for ‘The Big One,’ Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, in a recently uploaded promotional video – invited Filipinos to watch the disaster film ‘San Andreas.’ Well played, Warner Bros. Well played.

Loveless
Bb. Pilipinas-Universe Pia Wurtzbach told GMA News that she’s loveless right now and has no time for romance as she’s busy preparing for the Miss Universe pageant. In totally unrelated and unverified news, President Aquino has not eaten a meal for a day now and has refused to talk to anybody.

Just Friends
Kris Aquino recently clarified that she and Quezon City Mayor Herbert Bautista were “never lovers.” To which the public said, “We’re never interested.”

images
Pac-Man
Last May 22, Pac-Man turned 35 years old. And just like an ordinary 35-year-old who won’t stop eating, Pac-Man is probably overweight right now.

Born in 1980, Pac-Man just turned 35. And just like an ordinary 35-year-old, Pac-man still believes in ghosts.
—————————————————————————————————————————-
“Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods.”
~H. L. Mencken

Sound Bites
“I don’t have money and I don’t want to beg for money. This Vice President … I have to spend but I don’t have the money. I don’t like asking around for money, especially from other politicians because I don’t want to incur debt of gratitude.”
~Davao City Mayor Rodrigo Duterte on reports that VP Binay considers him as a potential running mate

Happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Cartoon: ToonPool.com; Binay/Duterte: Rappler; LRT: Dennis Datu/DZMM]





PRESSURED

28 04 2015

1sevilla
CITING POLITICAL PRESSURE, Bureau of Customs Chief John Phillip Sevilla quit his post. The incorruptible Sevilla bared that he was being pressured to appoint a member of an influential sect to a key post in the bureau. He objected. So when Malacañang insisted, Sevilla decided to resign. He didn’t finish his term. To add insult to injury, he was given a grade of INC.

For the second time, businessman Alberto Lina was appointed customs commissioner. His appointment to the juicy post was welcomed by his family, his friends, and his 18 companies that continue to do business with the BOC.

John Philip Sevilla has resigned as Customs chief. He was replaced by businessman Alberto Lina. Last Friday, Lina took his oath of office. He swore to perform his duties to God, to our country, and to some extent, to INC.

1sevilla
Nepal Earthquake
More than 4,000 people were killed when a magnitude 7.8 earthquake struck Nepal. A week before the disaster, experts gathered in Kathmandu to plan for “a nightmare waiting to happen.” Apparently, their motto was “Better safe than sorry.” Here in the Philippines, “no concrete measures to address the hazards of a massive quake” have been taken despite experts’ warning that at least 35,000 people would die if a magnitude 7.2 earthquake hits Metro Manila. Which is not surprising since the government’s motto is, “To see is to believe.”

Experts say Metro Manila is NOT so ready for a massive earthquake. Local government officials have other priorities. Maybe we can change that. Beginning today, let’s stop using the term “earthquake” and start calling it “election.”

A Google executive at the base camp of Mount Everest died in an avalanche triggered by the magnitude 7.8 earthquake that struck Nepal. The Google executive was found after a search.

UntitledVictim
Because she’s “vulnerable,” authorities said, Filipina Mary Jane Veloso became a victim of “deception.” Again, “vulnerable victim of deception.” Politicians have a collective term for that: voters.

Filipina Mary Jane Veloso is still alive. Her execution originally scheduled Tuesday midnight was suspended. That’s the good news. The bad news is ER Ejercito might just do a film about her.

No ISIS
AFP chief of staff Gen. Gregorio Pio Catapang says no ISIS militants operate from the Philippines. But based on intelligence data, there are Abu Sayyaf, BIFF, private armed groups, senators, congressman, governors, mayors, etc.

1sevillaPunishment
Liberal Party stalwart Edgar Erice said, “If God will bless us, he will give us Mar Roxas and Grace Poe. If God will punish us, he will give us UNA.” When sought for reaction, God said, “I’m busy. I have a scheduled meeting with Duterte.”

LP stalwart and Caloocan Rep. Edgar Erice says Dingdong Dantes and Isko Moreno are two potential bets for senator of the ruling coalition. In response, God was like, “Talk about punishment!”

Happiest
According to the latest World Happiness Report, Switzerland is the happiest country in the world. The Philippines was 90th in the happiness index – which was really disappointing considering the fact that we’ve got some of the biggest jokes in the three branches of our government.

1sevillaSnatched
While taking a walk in Madrid, Spain, Sen. Pia Cayetano’s phone was snatched by a bicycle-riding man. When the senator shouted for help, bystanders moved to catch the suspect. The police described the thief as young and remorseless who’s got a bright future in politics.
————————————————————————————————————————-
“There comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular, but he must take it because conscience tells him it is right.”
~Martin Luther King Jr.

Sound Bites
“We consider Commissioner Sunny Sevilla an honest, competent, no-nonsense professional whose departure will be a great loss to the Bureau of Customs and this administration. It is a sad day when principled professionals deem it untenable to stay in office.”
~Makati Business Club

Must-Watch
Bracing for the big one: Is Metro Manila quake-ready?

Be prepared!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: John Philip Sevilla: Inquirer.net; Nepal Quake:On Islam.Net; Erice: Journal.Com; Sen. Pia Cayetano]





2016, HILLARY, MILK TEA AND OTHER STORIES

13 04 2015

HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON has officially announced that she would seek the US presidency in 2016. When asked if her announcement was made too early, Clinton replied, “It’s actually too late – by Binay’s standards.”

1Clinton
Former first lady and secretary of state Hillary Clinton has declared her intention to run for president in 2016. With her announcement, Hillary expects critics to pounce on her. But she’s unafraid saying she doesn’t own an hacienda and she didn’t benefit from an overpriced building anyway.

In announcing her bid for the US presidency, former first lady and secretary of state Hillary Clinton said, “Everyday Americans need a champion. I want to be that champion.” To which Filipinos replied, “Don’t give Manny Pacquiao the idea. Please.”

In 2012, former first lady and secretary of state Hillary Clinton said she wouldn’t run for president of the United States again. On Monday, she declared her bid for the presidency. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo is suing her for copyright infringement.

All-time Low
Vice President Binay’s net satisfaction rating dropped to an all-time low according to the latest SWS survey. From +44 in December, it’s down to +31 in March. Since last year, his numbers have been declining. Even the Court of Appeals was like, “Can’t help you with that. Sorry.”

Quitting?
Online reports say DILG Secretary Mar Roxas is quitting his post this coming June. He didn’t elaborate on the matter but he told the media, “Everyday Filipinos need a champion. I want to be that champion.”

1ClintonSpecial Offer
Vice President Binay wanted DILG Sec. Mar Roxas to be his running mate in 2016. Apparently, Binay follows the dictum, “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.”

Advice
Reports say President Aquino has advised Sec. Mar Roxas to do something to improve his ratings in the presidential surveys. So this morning, Roxas petitioned the court to allow him to use the surname ‘Binay.’

1ClintonSecond Chance
Aldrin Jeff Cudia, the controversial cadet who was dismissed from the PMA last year has passed the entrance exam at the UP College of Law. If you would recall, the PMA kicked Cudia out “for lying.” Now, he wants to be a lawyer. He’s on the right track. Congratulations!

Delfin Lee
In a letter sent to the Senate, detained real estate developer Delfin Lee of Globe Asiatique accused Vice President Binay of extortion. Lee, who is furious at Binay, is facing charges of syndicated estafa, a non-bailable offense. When asked if he believed in the adage, “Galit ang magnanakaw sa kapwa magnanakaw,” Lee replied, “Correction please! I am not galit!”

Murder
The Volunteers Against Crime and Corruption or VACC is studying the possibility of filing murder charges against former PNP Chief Alan Purisima, former SAF chief Getulio Napeñas Jr. and President Aquino. The VACC is demanding justice, accountability, and publicity.

1Clinton‘Milk Tea’ Tragedy
Based on the initial tests conducted by the Food and Drug Administration, no toxic substance was found in the milk tea sample that killed two persons in Sampaloc, Manila last Friday. The tea house has been ordered closed but the son of the owner insists their products are safe to consume. To prove his claim, he’s willing to send unlimited free samples to the Senate and Congress.
———————————————————————————————————————–
“Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.”
~Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

Sound Bites
“Eh ano ba naman ‘yong magkapatawaran do’n sa ginawa para lang sa taong-bayan, para at sa ikabubuti ng bayan natin.”
~Makati Mayor Junjun Binay on his father’s offer to Mar Roxas to be his running mate

“Whatever happens, I will never tread the crooked path. I will only follow the straight path.”
~DILG Sec. Mar Roxas

Have a great week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Clinton: Reuters; Roxas/Binay: Inquirer.net; Delfin Lee: Rappler; ErgoCha: @JLDeJesusINQ]





WHAT DIRECTION?

23 03 2015

SPEAKING BEFORE some 2,000 members of the Integrated Bar of the Philippines in Cebu, Vice President Binay presented his plans for his first 100 days in office if he becomes president. In his speech, the Vice President called for “the elimination of graft and corruption.” The statement alarmed his allies, and fueled speculations he’s capable of hurting himself.

1Binay
In his speech during the IBP convention in Cebu, Vice President Binay called for “the elimination of graft and corruption.” To those who say that the Vice President has no sense of humor, sorry to disappoint you.

In Cebu City, Vice President Binay detailed his plans for his first 100 days in office as president. Not to be outdone, DILG Sec. Mar Roxas detailed his plans for his first 100 days as a civilian.

Healthy
There was a rumor that President Aquino “collapsed” last Friday evening. According to Pulse Asia, the President’s BP dropped to its lowest level since he was elected president.

1kim
President Aquino has denied that he collapsed last Friday evening. There’s no truth to the rumor. Everything is normal: soda binge-drinking, smoking, coughing. Nothing to worry about.

Another rumor said the President collapsed, hit his head on something, and when he regained consciousness, he wanted to say sorry for the Mamasapano debacle. That rumor is so NOT true. It will never happen.

1tv5
It was in fact TV5 reporter JV Lim Arcena who first tweeted about the rumor quoting his unidentified “source.” Apparently, Arcena was fed wrong or misleading information. Or as the President would say, “Nabola si Arcena.”

Makati Standoff
Supporters of Mayor Junjun Binay returned to the Makati City hall quadrangle Sunday following reports that Vice Mayor Kid Peña will attempt to enter the city hall on Monday. It has been an orderly gathering so far. Good day for democracy. And an even better day… for Jollibee. #soldout

Resign
According to a Pulse Asia survey, 29 percent of Filipinos were undecided on whether President Aquino should quit his post or not. As for those who took a stand: 42 percent said the President should NOT resign while 29 percent were militants.

Dissatisfied
A Pulse Asia survey showed 8 in 10 Filipinos were not satisfied with President Aquino’s explanation on the Mamasapano encounter. The other two were his spokesmen.

1kimJeane Returns
Pork barrel queen Janet Napoles’s controversial daughter Jeane is back in the country. Authorities were ordered to track her movements. Agents have been deployed in Fort Sto. Domingo, the Napoles residence, and all branches of Louis Vuitton, Bvlgari, Hermes, Balenciaga, Gucci and Prada.

PiaNoy
In an Instagram post, Kris Aquino revealed that her brother Noynoy was “kinikilig.” She’s apparently referring to rumors that the President has been seeing Miss Universe-Philippines Pia Wurtzbach. Critics are not as excited and optimist though. To avoid another heartbreak, they made a checklist for the President: Chocolates, check! Flowers, check! Dinner, check! Reality check.

Twitter’s Birthday
Last Saturday, March 21, Twitter turned 9 years old. To mark this milestone, here are 9 controversial, memorable, fearless, and outrageous tweets from some famous Filipinos:

1Pogi

Wanted: Pogi
Taong 2010 nang makilala ng publiko ang speechwriter ng Pangulo na si Mai Mislang dahil sa kanyang brutally honest tweets habang nasa state visit sa Vietnam ang presidente. Ano na kayang nangyari sa kanya?
A: Naghahanap pa rin ng poging Vietnamese
B: Short-lived ang kasikatan; nag-flop ang mga sumunod na pelikula
C: Ewan. Mukha ba akong interesado?

1Val

#NasaanAngPangulo…
… ang tanong ng publiko sa kasagsagan ng pananalanta ng Bagyong Sendong sa Visayas? Actress Valerie Concepcion provided the answer. Unwittingly. On Twitter.

1Georgina

She’s Got Balls
Georgina Wilson’s anti-Erap sentiment in 2009 resurfaced in 2014 – offending Estrada’s son, Jake Ejercito. She apologized for offending the Ejercitos but she refused to delete the tweet. Fierce!

sha

Mega Meltdown
There was a time in 2012 when Sharon Cuneta would engage her online critics (mostly, Piolo Pascual sympathizers) in a nasty and angry exchange almost everyday of her not-so-busy-then life. She put the ‘patol’ in patola.

1VILLAF

Ignoramus
A Villafuerte scion couldn’t, or probably refused to understand the outpouring of love for the late DILG Sec. Jesse Robredo. [The Villafuertes and Robredos were political rivals in Bicol.] He has since apologized for his tweets but not after getting pilloried by netizens.

1Nancy

Korina vs. Maligno
When I tweeted something about Korina Sanchez’s alleged anti-Binay commentary on radio, Nancy Binay replied. We’re still trying to get the side of the maligno. Can’t wait to see its reaction to the comparison.

1MQ

Miriam vs. LGBT
Miriam Quiambao got flak for saying that being gay is “a lie from the devil.”  Too bad for Miriam, even God wouldn’t confirm the veracity of her statement.

1ALLAD

Think before you click.
After a loss, outspoken Don Allado vented his frustrations at the referees by tweeting that games were “fixed” and that it was “a disgrace to be part of the PBA.” Allado was banned from playing for one season. Be careful what you wish for indeed!

1Jules

Gibberish Jules
In case you didn’t know, Congress’s top absentee Jules Ledesma used to post “WTF was that” tweets such as this one. I wonder if he still does. Ambot!

Happy Birthday Twitter!
————————————————————————————————————————————————————–
“Pride is the mother of arrogance.”
~ Toba Beta, My Ancestor Was an Ancient Astronaut

Sound Bites
“For the first time, I was happy that my hair is short because it will show if I have stitches. I tried to feel my head, there’s no bump,”
~President Aquino on rumors he collapsed last week

Have a hassle-free week ahead!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: President Aquino and Binay: Philippine Daily Inquirer; Tweets from the celebrities’ public accounts]





MISSION IMPOSSIBLE

11 03 2015

1noyv
IN A PRAYER gathering attended by evangelical church leaders in Malacañang on Monday, President Aquino enumerated sacked SAF Chief Getulio Napeñas’s lapses that resulted in the disastrous Mamasapano mission. But he made no mention of the involvement of then suspended PNP Chief Alan Purisima in the operation. When sought for reaction, evangelical leaders said, “Let he who is without a long-time friend cast the first stone.”

Without mentioning the involvement of his longtime friend, General Alan Purisima, the President pinned the blame solely on sacked SAF Chief Getulio Napeñas whom he accused of turning the Mamasapano operation into a “mission impossible.” Talking about mission impossible, this President will self-destruct in 5 seconds.

1gn
According to the President, the Mamasapano operation became a “mission impossible.” To have an idea of what a “mission impossible” is, you may ask the President’s PR crisis managers.

Sacked SAF Chief Getulio Napeñas was solely blamed for the Mamasapano mission by President Aquino. But relatives of the SAF44 refused to believe the President’s latest tirade against him. In their defense, who does?

For the nth time, President Aquino blamed sacked SAF Chief Getulio Napeñas for the disastrous Mamasapano operation last January. He blamed Napeñas for “fooling” him. He blamed Napeñas for giving him the wrong information. He blamed Napeñas for not coordinating with the AFP. He blamed Napeñas for not deploying more troops. He blamed Napeñas for going “solo.” And he blamed Napeñas for not following orders. This latest tongue-lashing has prompted Napeñas to request for an NSO-authenticated birth certificate to check if his surname was indeed Napeñas and not Arroyo.

Saying he was “fooled” when fed with wrong information, a defiant President Aquino blamed sacked SAF Chief Getulio Napeñas for the Mamasapano mission. Last Monday, he narrated his version of the operation before an audience of evangelical leaders — who were so impressed they offered him the role of Pontius Pilate in an upcoming senakulo.

Flagdown Rate
The government has ordered taxi operators to implement a 10-peso cut in their flagdown rate starting Monday, March 9. But this early, the LTFRB has been receiving complaints from commuters against cabbies who refused to give them the correct change. Apparently, many cab drivers refused to follow the order. Or as President Aquino would call them, “Napeñas.”

1gnMrs. Clooney
The Arroyo camp reported that George Clooney’s wife, lawyer Amal Alamuddin has brought the case of detained former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo to the UN Commission on Human Rights. According to GMA’s lawyer Larry Gadon, Mrs. Clooney is convinced that Arroyo is a victim of political persecution. With that, Amal Alamuddin officially replaces Raymond Fortun as this month’s most hated lawyer.

Amal Alamuddin-Clooney was once the lawyer of former Libyan intelligence chief Abdallah Al Senussi who was jailed for his alleged crimes against humanity. To be fair to Mrs. Arroyo, she’s a lesser evil.

1APPLE
Apple Watch
Apple has released more details about its upcoming smartwatch, the Apple Watch. Depending on the metals used, the Apple Watch will cost from as low as $349 to as high as $17,000. The best feature of the Apple Watch is that every day, it reminds owners to stop wasting their hard-earned money on watches.

Moo-lester
A man in Brgy. Biga 2, Silang, Cavite was arrested for having sex with a pregnant cow. The suspect who was high on drugs refused to own up to his mistake and blamed the cow for giving him wrong information and fooling him into thinking that it was a woman.

1gn
Unconfirmed reports say the 46-year-old suspect in the rape of a cow in Cavite is keen on hiring Bong Revilla’s spokesperson, Raymond Fortun as lawyer. He expects Fortun to tell the media it was just an “accidental rape.”

A drug addict in Silang, Cavite was arrested for having sex with a cow. In his defense, he screwed an animal – while some politicians in Cavite were screwing taxpayers.

Zero
Last Monday, also in Malacañang, President Aquino was asked about his love life. He described it as “below zero” but expressed hope he’d find the one “in God’s time.” To which God replied, “Mission impossible.”
————————————————————————————————————————
“Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.”
~Alexander Pope, An Essay on Criticism

Sound Bites
“Maraming wishful thinking si Napeñas compared to reality. Maliwanag sa akin, binola ako. Madaling maipapakita sa lahat ang ebidensiya: cellphone record, witnesses, et cetera. Sinolo ni Napeñas ang misyon, siya ang nagdesisyon. Ang dami niyang desisyon; may times na ang mga desisyon niya palpak.”
~President Aquino, 3.09.2015

“Sino lang naman ba si Napeñas para itong ganito kalaking operasyon ay solohin niya ang desisyon? Ito’y alam ng kanyang superior, although suspendido pero si (Purisima) ang namamahala. The President was also briefed of this mission.”
~Vitaliano Aguirre, counsel for SAF Chief Getulio Napeñas

“This is the latest development in the shrinking of the man from a credible President to a small-minded bureaucrat trying to erase his fingerprints from a disastrous project.”
~Akbayan Rep. Walden Bello who declared Tuesday his withdrawal support for President Aquino

Have a fun week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: President Aquino: Malacañang Photo Bureau; Getulio Napeñas: Inquirerdotnet; Amal Alamuddin: Reuters;; Apple.Com; Cow Rape: ABSCBNNews.com]





QUIZtion: Current Events Edition 2015

7 03 2015

HOW updated are you? Find out by answering this current events quiz.

1Raymond
1: According to lawyer Raymond Fortun, what did Jolo Revilla tell Bong when the senator visited his son at the Asian Hospital?
A: “Papa, I’m sorry.”
B: “Papa, siguro naman titino ka na after this.”
C: “Papa, it was an accident.”
D: “Papa, should we tell the truth?”

2: Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is the leader of what group?
A: BIFF
B: KathNiel Forever-Mindanao Chapter
C: ISIS
D: Boko Haram

3: The latest study showed that the average penis size globally is 5.5 inches. At 7.1 inches, the most well hung are the people of Congo while North Koreans have the smallest penis on average, 3.8 inches. What’s the average size for Filipino men?
A: 4”
B: 4.2”
C: 4.5”
D: ‘Wag nang umasa. Wala nang ilalaki pa. It’s just A, B, or C!

4: According to economists surveyed by Bloomberg, this year’s “all-stars of the global economy” are forecast to grow more than 5 percent in 2015. That’s higher than the predicted worldwide average growth of 3.2 percent. China is expected to be No. 1. What country is ranked second?
A: Kenya
B: Japan
C: South Korea
D: Philippines

ABUSAYYAF5: Who is this man?
A: Bomb-making expert Basit Usman
B: Puregold owner Lucio Co
C: Abu Sayyaf leader Radullan Sahiron
D: Asia’s richest man Sir Ka-Shing

6: On Instagram, Kris Aquino announced that she’s treating members of the Quezon City Police District to free halo-halo in her fast food restaurant. Quezon City cops can avail themselves a total of how many free orders of halo-halo until Easter Sunday?
A: 1000
B: 100
C: 500
D: Order-All-You-Can

7: President Robert Mugabe, the oldest world leader today celebrated his 91st birthday recently with a lavish, multimillion dollar birthday party. Of which country is Mugabe president?
A: Ethiopia
B: Nigeria
C: Zimbabwe
D: Mozambique

8: Who has been tapped to play the role of asylum-seeking CIA leaker Edward Snowden in the movie to be directed by Oliver Stone?
A: Jake Gyllenhaal
B: Shia LaBeouf
C: ER Ejercito
D: Joseph Gordon-Levitt

1Valdez9: Recently indicted for plunder and seven counts of graft, party-list representative Edgar Valdez is now detained at Camp Bagong Diwa. If Bong was Pogi and Jinggoy was Sexy, what code name was used by Janet Napoles for Valdez?
A: Bigote
B: Kuryente
C: Adele Dazeem
D: Browny

10: Ranked 1,741st in the world, which athlete made it to Forbes’ elite list of billionaires?
A: Cristiano Ronaldo
B: Floyd Mayweather Jr.
C: Michael Jordan
D: Tiger Woods

11: If the Bangsamoro Basic Law is approved, how much money will be allocated annually for the envisioned new autonomous Muslim region?
A: P75 billion
B: P10 billion
C: P500 million
D: P50 billion

Jamich12: Paolinne Michelle Liggayu or Mich of the hit Youtube tandem, Jamich once joined what reality talent show?
A: StarStruck Kids
B: PBB Teen Edition 1
C: Star Circle Quest
D: StarStruck
—————————————————————————————————————
“By bringing current events into the classroom, everyday discussion, and social media, maybe we don’t need to wait for our grandchildren’s questions to remind us we should have paid more attention to current events.”
~Adora Svitak

Have a great weekend!

Answer Key:
1: A.

2: C

3: B

4: D

5: B

6: A

7: C

8: D

9: B

10: C

11: A

12: D

What does your score mean:
12-10 pts: Great! Concerned ka pa pala naman sa nangyayari sa paligid mo.
9-7: Pwede na.
6: Alam mo ‘yong tsamba?
5 or lower: Kung may time kang mag-Facebook, try mo ring magbasa ng balita. Kthxbye.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Jolo/Bong: Raymond Fortun; Valdez: House of Representatives; Lucio Co: Forbes.Com; Mich Liggayu: @iovejamich)





ADULTERY, PUBLICITY AND OTHER STORIES

4 03 2015

1
A PHOTO OF A DRESS posted online created quite a stir last week. Some say the dress is black and blue while others insist it’s white and gold. The debate only stopped when Jolo Revilla was hospitalized and people started debating whether it was a suicide attempt or an accidental shooting.

The Sandiganbayan allowed Bong Revilla to visit his son Jolo at the Asian Hospital in Muntinlupa. Reports say an emotional Jolo apologized to his father. When you have done something wrong, you usually do that: You say sorry. Unless you’re the President.

Initial reports said the shooting was a suicide attempt. The next day, the Revillas’ lawyer told the press it was an accidental shooting. This unfortunate incident has definitely taught the Revillas some lessons – not just in handling weapons but in handling talent manager Lolit Solis as well.

Lump Sum
Solons have questioned a provision in the proposed Bangsamoro Basic Law that grants the new autonomous region a 27-billion peso annual lump sum. The budget is being compared to PDAF or IRA which has been declared unconstitutional by the Supreme Court. Here’s a tip: Compel MILF leaders to drop this demand by telling them it’s pork.

Forget about #TheDress that polarized the entire cyberspace. Here’s a more thought-provoking photo. Can you tell if these men were BIFF or MILF? The answer may surprise you.

1

Sick
Former APEC party-list Rep. Edgar Valdez has surrendered to authorities following his indictment in the P10-billion pork barrel scam. But Valdez is not in jail yet. After turning himself in, he asked to be confined at the PNP General Hospital because he’s sick. Or as other corruption suspects would call it, “in keeping with tradition.”

1Tingting vs. Kris
Last February 24, Peping Cojuangco’s wife, Margarita ‘Tingting’ Cojuangco said she’d “leave the country” if her niece, Kris Aquino would win an elective post in Tarlac. When asked if she’s running for governor herself, Tingting was tightlipped. And tight-cheeked.

Tingting Cojuangco clarified that her statement on Kris Aquino was just a “figure of expression.” She was just joking – although when you look at her, it was hard to tell.

Millionaire
Sen. Koko Pimentel is reportedly filing a bill seeking to grant tax exemption for multimillionaire Manny Pacquiao in his upcoming superfight against Floyd Mayweather Jr. Pimentel said the country will generate “unprecedented honor and world recognition” because of the “tremendous publicity” that will mark the run-up to the fight. The only thing more “tremendous” than that is the publicity that Pimentel will generate in filing the bill.

1Billionaire
According to Forbes, the number of Filipino billionaires ($) has increased to 11. The worst thing about that is we’re not one of them.

Teen Daddy
According to the latest research, children of teenage dads are likely to have low IQ. On the brighter side, they’ll be great DotA players.

Adultery
Voting 6 to 2, a court in South Korea has ruled that adultery is no longer a crime. The decision was lauded by women’s groups, proponents of individual freedom, and Bong Revilla.

Adulterous
The jealous wife of Vice Mayor Jonah Ungab of Ronda town in Cebu Province is facing frustrated murder charges for attacking her husband’s alleged mistress, 30-year-old lawyer, Jiecel Tiu. Vice Mayor Ungab has made himself scarce after the incident. Rumors say he has flown to South Korea to seek permanent residency.

1
Mrs. Pearl Ungab, the 47-year-old wife of a mayor in Cebu is facing frustrated murder charges for attacking her husband’s alleged mistress, lawyer Jiecel Tiu (above photo). Mrs. Ungab admitted that she attacked Jiecel with a baseball bat. To which Mrs. Cristina Enrile said, “Thanks for the tip.”
———————————————————————————————————————————-
“When people kill themselves, they think they’re ending the pain, but all they’re doing is passing it on to those they will leave behind.”
~Jeannette Walls

Sound Bites
“Papa, I’m sorry.”
~Jolo Revilla to Bong Revilla according to lawyer Raymond Fortun

Have a productive week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Tingting Cojuangco: Inquirerdotnet; BIFF Pic: Mark Navales/GMA News; Jiecel Tiu: Henry Sy: GMA News; Christian Maningo/Cebu Daily News]





A KRISSY WEEK

28 02 2015

“GOSH! Nakakaloka talaga ang week na ‘to, I swear! Don’t worry, I’ll tell you why. You know me naman, right? Wala akong itinatago sa publiko. Ibato n’yo nang lahat na putik o baho sa akin, keri kong lahat ‘yan. ‘Wag n’yo lang akong sasabihang gumagawa ng kwento dahil tinitiyak ko sa inyo: I am not a liar!

Sa mga ‘di pa nakakaalam, up na ‘yong blog ko. Yeahhhh. Kasi nga, multimedia queen ‘di ba? Besides, sobrang dami ko pang kwento sa inyo na hindi ko masabi sa tatlong shows ko dahil wala nang time. Pati nga sa pagtulog, kung anu-ano nang nasasabi ko eh! Share ko lang. This morning, lumapit sina Bimbz at Josh. Sabi nila, “Mom, you’re making daldal while you’re asleep last night.” Sabi ko, “Realllllly? What did I say?” Bimb answered, “You said, ‘I miss Mayor! I miss Mayor!’ You sounded kilig pa nga eh. Do you still love Tito Herbert, Mom?” NAKAKALOKA! Na-stun daw talaga ako. Wala akong naisagot. Aha-ha-ha Pati ba naman sa pagtulog, intriga pa rin?!? Hay naku.

Anyway, to continue. More than a month nang tinitira si Kuya Noy because of what happened in the South. Promise, ang daming opportunists sa world. Everyone’s taking advantage of the situation para pababain ang kapatid ko. Can’t you just wait for 2016? Hellllo!

So heto na nga… while those nega were talking about resignation, coup d’etat, transition council whatever, et cetera and all, naisipan kong mag-post sa blog ng isang bombshell. I’m sure, mababaling ang public attention sa revelation ko. You know naman the masa. Everything Krissy, kinakagat. At least maiiba naman ang topic sa news.

1
A day before the EDSA anniv, I wrote a post titled “The State of My Heart.” Bongga ‘di ba? Very SONA! Aha-ha-ha At ang pasabog ko that day, Mayor Bistek offered to marry me before we broke up last year! GRABE!!! BOMBSHELL KUNG BOMBSHELL! CONTROVERSIAL! AN EXCLUSIVE, EXPLOSIVE, EXPOSÉ! WHAT A REVELATION! Bababa ang presyo ng bilihin! Magro-rollback ang halaga ng gasolina! Maaayos ang traffic situation sa Metro Manila! Hihinto ang ikot ng mundo! Et cetera, et cetera!

Or so I thought. The next morning, I asked Darlah.

“Dear… top story ba?”

“Nasa news and showbiz section naman ng ilang websites Krissy pero sakto lang. ‘Di masyado.”

“FINE. Tse!”

And before the day ended, I received a sarcastic text message pa from Mayor. Ang sabi, “Nag-Chinese New Year na, mag-move on ka na.”

Helllllooooo! Mag-move on???? Gusto mong i-screencap ko ang sweet nothings mo via text kapag morning?!? Hmpff! I hate you! Akala mo kung sinong malaki! Ang liit-liit naman! Ay!! Ano ba ‘yong nasabi ko. Sorry! Aha-ha-ha. Promise, ‘di ko pa nakikita. But almost. A-ha-ha-ha!

1
MOVING ON… thank you nga pala kay Noy for inviting me to Malacañang last Thursday to meet French President Francois Hollande. Siyempre, fly ako sa palasyo. Palalampasin ko ba naman ang opportunity na ‘to? Minsan lang ‘to ‘no! Baka sa susunod na visit dito ni President Hollande, sina Nancy at Abby Binay na ang sumalubong. Alam mo na! Ayaw ni Korina ng ganyan. Aha-ha-ha

Parang nai-imagine ko na kapag si Mareng Nancy ang sumalubong kay President Hollande.

“Bonsoir Madame!”

“Panganay Monsieur!”

“Nagva-vaque çå vå ng çaque?”

“Oui, nagbi-bake ako ng cake.”

OR SOMETHING like that. Aha-ha-aha. I’m so mean. I love you Nancy. You know naman that our family supports your family ‘di ba. So, don’t take this personally. Love, love, love!

Sanga pala, I want you to know na mahusay ako sa French because my mom spoke French fluently. In fairness, nagamit ko ang mga itinuro niya. She must be so proud of me. I love you mom.

Speaking of moms, last Thursday kasi while I was in Malacañang, Gretchen Fullido, yeah, the other Gretchen, sing-ganda pero ‘di sing mahal, texted me that Jam of Jamich was getting weak na talaga.

1
So nagmadali talaga akong pumunta sa St. Luke’s in BGC. ‘Di na ako nagbihis. Yeahh, naka-evening gown pa ako papuntang ospital straight from Malacañang. And of course, I had to take a photo of me sa tabi ng bed ni Jam with his mom and posted this agad on Instagram.

By the way, thank you @carysantiago for that fabulous gown. Bongga ka talaga! I love youuuuu.

Finally, before I end this long kwento… gusto ko lang mag-react sa statement ng isang matandang relative namin.

1
She’s been saying negative things about Kuya Noy for so long and matagal-tagal na rin akong nagtitimpi. Unang-una, hindi ka namin kadugo. Nakiki-Cojuangco ka lang. ‘Kita naman sa skin ‘no. Ang layo! EXCUSEZ-MOI! ‘Yan, napa-French tuloy ako sa sobrang inis. Ayoko nang mag-elaborate! Basta ang skin namin nina Ate Ballsy, Ate Pinky, (Ate) Viel and even Kuya Noy, gumagalaw pa. Ewan ko lang ‘yong sa iba d’yan!

And I have to be honest. I was offended when she said na aalis daw siya ng Tarlac kapag tumakbo akong governor. CARE BEARS! Firstly, hindi ako interesadong maging governor ‘no! Helllllo! It’s the Senate or nothing! Secondly, kahit umalis ka pa ng Tarlac, ng Pilipinas o ng Earth, NOBODY WOULD CARE. You were junked by Filipinos last elections remember? HELLLLLOOOO! Kahit yata tumakbo kang walang kalaban, you wouldn’t win! Tse!

Nakaka-stress these people! Palibhasa, ‘di nila mahawakan sa leeg si Noy. Hay naku Krissy… focus on positive things na lang. Blessed ka naman ‘di ba? LOVE, LOVE, LOVE na lang.

FOR MORE CHIKA, visit my blog please. Marami pa akong update about my interrupted romance with Mayor. Promise, malalaman n’yo na ang size ng shoes niya… exclusive! And you know naman what they say kapag malaki o maliit ang sapatos ‘di ba? BASTA!

Darlah, text mo naman si Darren Espanto o. Ask mo kung pwede siyang kumanta sa bahay mamaya. Pampa-good vibes lang. And tell Darren, I have gifts for him, ok? Thanks!
————————————————————————————————————
“The most basic way to get someone’s attention is this: Break a pattern.”
~Chip Heath, Made to Stick: Why Some Ideas Survive and Others Die

Sound Bites
“Super dedmabels sa mga nega. I have no skeletons in any closet left, hanggang bulalo ko alam n’yo na ang kwento. And sa kadaldalan ko, may anomalya bang magaganap na makakalusot? But politics is not happening this 2016. For now, I am blessed to be an entertainer (host and occasional actress), an endorser, a producer, a website owner, a restaurant franchise owner, an investor, and a mother.”
~Kris Aquino

Happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Star: Kris/Herbert; PixGood.Com: Tingting; Kris Aquino’s Instagram]





AQUINO & BINAY… LIVE!

17 02 2015

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, the President and the Vice President of the Republic of the Philippines….

1
AQUINO: Mga minamahal kong kababayan
BINAY: Mahal ko rin ho kayo mga kababayan. Doble pa.

Nagpasya kaming humarap sa inyo dahil sa mga pangyayari sa ating bansa ngayon.
Kung ako lang ho ang masusunod ay hindi ko gagawin ito. Nakikisama lang talaga ako.

Hindi po lingid sa inyong kaalaman, dumaraan sa matinding krisis ang aking administrasyon.
Technically, bahagi rin po ako ng administrasyon pero hindi ko naman masyadong ramdam ang tinutukoy na krisis.

Masakit pong mapagbintangang nagsisinungaling.
Alam ko ‘yan.

Pinagdududahan na rin nila ang aking mga pahayag.
Relate ako d’yan.

At kinukuwestyon ang aking kredibilidad.
Sanayan lang.

Hanggang ngayon, wala pa ring hinto ang mga puna at batikos.
‘Buti na lang ‘yong sa akin lumamig na.

Sa harap ng pagsubok na ito, isa lang ang tinitiyak ko sa inyo: hindi po ako magnanakaw!
Teka, ba’t naman napunta d’yan ang usapan? ‘Di ba Maguindanao ang isyu? Balik tayo do’n.

Ang mga maka-Kaliwang grupo, panay na panay ang bira sa akin.
Nabasa ko nga sa diyaryo.

Wala ka bang reaksyon sa sinabi ko Manong Jojo?
Hindi ko masyadong narinig ang sinabi mo. Sorry.

Pati mga obispong walang kibo sa corruption ni Arroyo noon, tinitira na rin ako ngayon!
‘Yan ang ‘di ko pa nabasa. No comment muna.

Tama po bang pababain ako sa puwesto? Tama po bang pilitin akong iwan ang sinumpaan kong tungkulin?
Sumagot kayo mga kababayan. Kayo ho yata ang tinatanong, hindi ako.

At kung susundin ko ang kagustuhan nilang ako’y magbitiw, sigurado ba silang matino ang papalit sa akin?
To be fair, wala pa naman silang binabanggit na pangalan. Huwag ka munang manghusga Noy. Hintayin muna natin.

Sa pagkakataong ito, nagpapasalamat ako kay Manong Jojo dahil hindi yata siya sang-ayong ako’y mag-resign.
Mabilis na ang one year Noy. Hindi naman ako gano’n kaatat. Kaya ko namang maghintay.

Manong, hindi ko puwedeng kalimutan ang suporta n’yo sa aking ama’t ina.
Salamat Noy.

Hindi ko rin puwedeng kalimutan ang paglaban natin noon sa kurapsyon sa pamahalaan.
Salamat Noy.

Ano hong nangyari?
Salamat Noy.

Hindi mo sinagot ang tanong ko Manong Jojo.
Hindi ko masyadong naintindihan ang tanong. Nagti-text ako. Pero tama ka. Malalim ang ating pinagsamahan.

Pareho tayong lumaban sa diktadurya.
Pareho tayong lumaban kay Gloria.

Pareho tayong may hacienda.
Gago ka.

Joke lang Manong! What I mean is, malayo na ho ang narating natin pareho. Mula Makati City… biglang naging pangalawang pangulo. Suwerte!
Namatay si Tita Cory, biglang naging presidente. Mas suwerte!

Ang nais ko lang iparating sa mga nanonood ngayon: kitang-kita naman po ninyo – matatag ang ating administrasyon.
Ahhh, kaya pala isinama mo ako rito.

Hindi naman sa gano’n Manong. Sama-sama po nating lalampasan ang krisis na ito.
‘Pag krisis n’yo, kasama ako? ‘Pag krisis ko, akin lang? Gano’n?!

Gano’n na nga ho, este… Inuulit ko, wala ho akong balak bumaba sa puwesto.
Try mo ring mag-isip-isip pa. Baka naman nabibigla ka lang. May time ka pa para mag-decide talaga with finality.

Tatapusin ho natin ang aking termino, at sa 2016, isasalin natin nang maayos ang liderato sa mahahalal na bagong pangulo.
Wow, thank you.

Ay! ‘Wag pakasigurado.
Gago.

Maraming salamat at magandang gabi po sa inyong lahat.
Sana nga.
————————————————————————————————————————–
“Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start”

~Coldplay, The Scientist

Pic of the Weak
According to the dictionary, an opportunist is a person who exploits circumstances to gain immediate advantage rather than being guided by consistent principles or plans. In other news, unseated Laguna governor ER Ejercito is doing a movie on the Fallen 44.

12Sound Bites
“Ang papel ni Norberto Gonzales, manggulo sa Pilipinas.”
~Sen. Antonio Trillanes on the alleged coup plot vs. Presidente Aquino

#PrayForEREjercito

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Aquino and Binay: Inquirer.Net;  ER Ejercito’s Facebook via ABS-CBN News]

 








Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 130,581 other followers

%d bloggers like this: