KOBE!

1 12 2015

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KOBE BRYANT, one the best, if not the best player of his generation will officially retire after the current season. When asked about the likelihood of him changing his decision, the five-time NBA champion said, “I’m Kobe Bryant NOT Rodrigo Duterte.”

As a multiple NBA champion, Kobe Bryant has five rings. That’s one less than Michael Jordan but one more than what Mayor Duterte has given his girlfriends.

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In the Lakers’ storied franchise, Kobe Bryant leads in most statistical categories. He’s the leader in games and minutes played, field goals, 3-point attempts, free throws, and even missed shots. Also… it is Kobe, not Jejomar Binay as rumored earlier, who leads in steals.

Kobe Bryant is leaving the NBA. His official announcement was in the form of a poem titled, “Dear Basketball.” It was all about letting go. Coincidentally, the Binays are reportedly making an announcement soon too in the form of a poem titled, “Dear Makati City Hall.”

Kobe Bryant has decided to retire from the NBA. Basketball fans took to social media to share their thoughts on Kobe’s decision. In the Philippines, some politicians also reacted to the news. A congressman said he’s proud of his “idol.” A senator tweeted he’s proud of his “all-time favorite!” And Sen. Grace Poe said she’ll always be proud of her “kababayan.”

In 1996 at age 17, Kobe Bryant was drafted in the NBA by the Charlotte Hornets but was immediately traded to the Los Angeles Lakers. Kobe stayed with LA his entire career. Win or lose, he never switched teams; he never jumped ship. The term for it is “loyalty.” Or as LP members would say, “What’s that?”

In the first round of the 1996 NBA Rookie Draft, Kobe Bryant was not even Charlotte’s first, second, or third choice. He was the Leni Robredo of that round.

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Kobe, Basketball and Philippine Politics
At a young age, Kobe was “given away” by his original team. Like Grace Poe.
He derives pleasure from shooting. Like Duterte.
He is a polarizing figure. Like Mar.
He assists. Like Binay.
He steals. Like Binay.
He fadesaway. Like Miriam.
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“The final proof of greatness lies in being able to endure criticism without resentment.”
~Elbert Hubbard

The Aspirants
Aspirants for president were asked, “Sakaling mahalal ka sa 2016, patatalo ka ba sa tukso at magbubulsa ng pondo ng bayan?” Grace Poe said, “Never.” Mar Roxas answered, “Nope.” Miriam replied, “Naaah.” Duterte retorted, “No way.” Binay answered, “Not again.”

Sound Bites
“My heart can take the pounding
My mind can handle the grind
But my body knows it’s time to say goodbye.”
~Kobe Bryant, 11.29.2015

“He had just an amazing career, a guy who changed the game for me as a player mentally and physically. Means so much to the game of basketball. Somebody I’m always going to look to for advice, for help, for anything. Just a brilliant, brilliant, intelligent man. And it’s sad to see him go.”
~Kevin Durant on Kobe Bryant

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“From the hotel to the airport, limang oras. Sabi ko, ‘Bakit? Sinong darating?’ Sabi, si Pope. Gusto kong tawagan, ‘Pope, putang-ina mo. Umuwi ka na!’”
~Mayor Duterte talking about his experience during the Papal Visit

Thank you Kobe!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Dear Basketball: The Players Tribune.com; Kobe: Slam Online; Duterte: Inquirer.net]





DUTERTE, CONCUBINAGE, AND OTHER STORIES

27 11 2015

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DAVAO CITY MAYOR Rodrigo Duterte topped the latest Pulse Asia survey on preferred candidates for president in the National Capital Region. The poll was conducted even before the tough-talking mayor officially declared his intention to run. He’s killing it!

Here’s the copy of the questionnaire used in the NCR survey.

Pulse Asia
Third Quarter Survey
National Capital Region

SINO ANG IBOBOTO mo sa pagkapangulo sa 2016? Magpasya habang binabasa ang sumusunod na tanong.

1: Araw ng eleksyon. Patungo ka sa presinto para bumoto, sakay ng jeep, nang biglang may magdeklara ng holdup. Sino ang iboboto mo sa 2016?
_ Binay
_ Duterte
_ Poe
_ Roxas
_ Santiago

2. ‘Yong ex mong guwapo, addict na ngayon. Grabe kasi ang bentahan ng drugs sa kanilang lugar. Sino ang iboboto mo sa 2016?
_ Binay
_ Duterte
_ Poe
_ Roxas
_ Santiago

3: Inutang lang ng iyong nanay ang ibinili n’yo ng bigas. Matapos isaing, peke pala ang nabili mong bigas. Malamang, smuggled! Sino ang iboboto mo sa 2016?
_ Binay
_ Duterte
_ Poe
_ Roxas
_ Santiago

4: May asthma ka. Tahimik kang nagbabasa sa isang pampublikong park nang may maupo sa tabi mo. Grabe kung manigarilyo ang damuho. Daig pa ang tambutso. Eh malinaw naman ang nakasulat sa karatula: No Smoking. Sino ang iboboto mo sa 2016?
_ Binay
_ Duterte
_ Poe
_ Roxas
_ Santiago

5: Na-late ka sa iyong trabaho. Grabe kasi ang traffic dahil sa mga motoristang walang disiplina. Ang dami pa ring bus driver na nagbababa ng pasahero sa gitna ng EDSA. Sino ang iboboto mo sa 2016?
_ Binay
_ Duterte
_ Poe
_ Roxas
_ Santiago

Maraming salamat sa paglahok sa survey na ito. Makakaasa kang mabibilang ang iyong boto. Ingat sa pag-uwi. Paalala: ‘Wag kang basta-basta maglalabas ng cellphone, baka ma-snatch. Sino nga palang iboboto mo sa 2016?

—Nothing follows—

1DIONGConcubinage
Judy Amante, wife of Agusan Del Sur Rep. Erlpe John Amante has filed concubinage charges against the congressman and his alleged mistress, Katrina Mortola. Congressman Amante has refused to be interviewed by the media. He was last seen leaving his home in Cabadbaran City waving goodbye to his kids, his maids, and his political career.

Disaster-Prone
According to a study conducted by the UN Office for Disaster Risk Reduction (UNDRR), the Philippines is the fourth most disaster-prone country in the world. The study covered weather-related disasters only. We would have ranked higher if the study also covered government and politics.

1DIONG
Vandolph
Reacting to his mom’s interview on ANC’s Headstart recently, actor Vandolph Quizon said TV host Karen Davila humiliated his mom on national TV. Vandolph just proved that he is indeed Dolphy’s son. He’s so funny.

According to Vandolph, ANC host Karen Davila humiliated his mom on national TV. That’s nothing Vandolph. Wait ’til thinking Filipino voters humiliate your mom in the national elections.

Vandolph explained that Karen Davila should have respected Alma because she’s the “chairman of the Philippine Councilors League” for years. In response, Davila said Alma should have respected the Senate because the institution has been there for decades.
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“Dictators long ago found that it is easier to unite people in common hatred than in common love.”
~Dagobert Runes, A Dictionary of Thought

2016 Elections
A natural-born Filipino
A non-natural-born Filipino
A natural-born thief
A natural stubborn
A natural-born killer

Sound Bites
“If I become president, I advise you people to put up several funeral parlor businesses because I am against illegal drugs… I might kill someone because of it.”
~Davao City Mayor Rodrigo Duterte

Elsewhere
Is a benevolent dictatorship possible?
“People don’t have to be killed; they just have to be held accountable. After all, righting the ship requires the choice of everyone on board, not the fear that the captain might kill you. You can obey traffic rules to avoid imprisonment or you can just obey traffic rules because that’s what non-a-holes do in a civilized society. You can refrain from stealing taxpayer’s money in fear of being executed by the ruler of the land or you can just stop doing that because people’s lives are actually at stake.”

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte: Philstar.Com; Amante: Congress.ph; Vandolph: ABSCBNPR]





QUITS!

22 11 2015

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DAVAO CITY MAYOR Rodrigo Duterte is reportedly running for president. At press time.

Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano will be the running mate of Mayor Rodrigo Duterte. Reports say Cayetano is very happy with Duterte’s decision to seek the presidency. Enjoy it Senator… while it lasts.

1
Even Now
Showing a photo of her sunburnt skin on Instagram, presidential sister Kris Aquino called it “quits” with thousands of commuters who were forced to walk several kilometers because of road closures during the APEC Summit last week. Netizens described Aquino’s post as “callous.” Critics said it was “insensitive.” President Aquino said, “Kapatid nga kita!”

Some of her Instagram followers reacted negatively to her “quits na tayo” post. But Kris was unstoppable. To one follower, she replied, “Try walking on cobblestones in 5-inch heels.” In heaven, Cory and Ninoy were summoned to the principal’s office.

Kris Aquino’s Instagram post has been described as “insentive” by a number of netizens. To give you an idea of how insensitive it was, even Secretary Jun Abaya was offended.

1
On Saturday morning, Kris Aquino posted an apology on Instagram in which she promised, “In the future, I will leave the joking to Vice Ganda.” I don’t think that’s a good idea.

Top 5 Predicted “Quits Na Tayo” Statements of Kris Aquino

No. 5: “Nakakaloka ‘yong bagong pair ng Manolo Blahnik na nabili ko last week. Now ko lang kasi ulit na-try. Ang sikip pala. O, sa mga sumasakay sa MRT, quits na tayo huh! Aha-ha-ha!”

No. 4: “Minsan talaga, importanteng may lalaki sa bahay ‘no? One morning kasi, si Yaya lang ang tao sa bahay. Eh nagbara ‘yong lababo sa kitchen. Umapaw ang tubig! Kaloka! Muntik nang bumaha. Buti na lang naayos. Pero for a second, feeling ko taga-Camanava ako. ‘Di ba laging baha do’n? So quits na tayo!”

No. 3: “Sad to say, hindi nga masyadong kumita ang latest movie ko, ‘yong ‘Etiquette for Mistresses.’ Pero dahil mabait ang mga boss, nagbigay pa rin ng bonus na 1 million. Maliit ba? I know, right. Na-realize ko tuloy, ganito siguro ang nararamdaman ng mga ordinary employees na maliit lang ang nakukuhang bonus. ‘Di bale guys, maliit din ang nakuha ko. Quits na tayo.”

No. 2: “Something funny happened last night habang magkatabi sina Bimb at Kuya sa bed. Bigla ba namang nag-fart si Bimb! Aha-ha-ha! Gosh! It was so baho talaga! Eh naka-Martha Stewart blanket kaming tatlo so hindi nakasingaw ‘yong bad smell. Naka-relate tuloy ako sa scavengers na nagkakalkal ng basura sa Payatas. Quits na tayo guys.”

And the No. 1 predicted “Quits na tayo” statement of Kris Aquino…

“Last night, I had to rush home from my taping ‘coz I was so gutom and I was thinking of this slice of blueberry cheesecake sa fridge. When I reached the gate, hindi ko kinaya ang eksena. ‘Yong last slice of blueberry cheesecake, ipinapakain ni Yaya sa puppy ng kapitbahay! I died! I swear. Kaya sa mga nagugutom na Filipinos, I know how you feel. Quits na tayo.”

In Defense Of
In the wake of Alma Moreno’s disastrous TV interview recently, Vice President Binay said candidates like Alma must always be ready for media interviews. But Binay insisted netizens should have not bashed her. Dear Mr. Vice President, we didn’t bash her. We described her.
——————————————————————————————————————————————
“Your perspective on life comes from the cage you were held captive in.”
~Shannon L. Alder

Sound Bites
“I cannot accept an American President. Show me your real mother and I will even campaign for you.”
~Mayor Duterte on Sen. Grace Poe

Be sensitive! Have a great week ahead!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte/Cayetano: Inquirer.net; Kris Aquino’s Instagram posts]





ALMA MORENO, WITH RESERVATIONS

17 11 2015

1AlmaPic4
GOING VIRAL right now is Karen Davila’s one-on-one interview with actress-turned-politician Alma Moreno who is seeking a Senate seat under Binay’s United Nationalist Alliance (UNA). Moreno appeared on ANC’s Headstart last week. Apparently, Moreno wasn’t informed that her interview was part of Headstart’s election series called “How To Turn Off Voters in 30 Minutes or Less.”

Remember those Alma Moreno jokes from the ‘90s? Obviously, she reserved the biggest joke of them all for 2016: her Senate bid.

In deciding whether she’d run for senator or not, Alma Moreno said she asked God for a sign. To her surprise, Vice President Binay suddenly called and offered her a slot in UNA’s Senate slate. Moreno believed that was “the sign.” God was quick to deny though that it came from Him.

Alma Moreno was unprepared for the interview. She failed to give sensible answers when asked about the Reproductive Health Law, LGBT and discrimination issues. As a result, she was lambasted by people on social media. Even worse, one of those people was Lito Lapid.

1AlmaPic3
UNEDITED: Alma Moreno Part II
Here is the second part of Karen Davila’s exclusive interview with Alma Moreno on Headstart. Due to time constraints, ANC did not air this portion.

Alma, let’s discuss something else naman.

Naku, pinapakaba mo naman ako. Puwede bang mag-Tagalog na lang tayo para maintindihan tayo sa grassroots level?

I noticed na favorite mo ang term na grassroots. Kanina ka pa grassroots nang grassroots. For the sake of our televiewers, ano ba ang grassroots?

Constituents na lang. Ayan, mas simple. Para maintindihan tayo ng aking constituents.

Noong 1990s, kumalat ang  “Alma Moreno jokes.” Isa na rito ‘yong pag-order mo raw ng hamburger sa isang fast food. Nang tanungin ka ng crew kung “for dine-in or for take-out,” ang sagot mo raw, “No! It’s for Vandolf.” Totoo ba ‘yun?

Ngayon ko lang ito aaminin Karen. That’s true! Kasi nga hiwalay na kami ni Dolphy noong time na ‘yon. Eh hindi naman ako mahilig sa burger. So, nagsabi ako ng totoo. For Vandolf talaga ‘yon.

Kanina, tinanong kita about the RH Law, LGBT, political dynasty at iba pang national issues. Iwan muna natin ang mga ‘yan. Tatanungin na lang kita ng funny Rejected UPCAT Questions na nagkalat ngayon sa Internet. Familiar ka ba sa UPCAT?

Hindi eh. Sorry huh. Hindi talaga ako mahilig sa pusa. Kung aso siguro baka may alam pa ako.

1AlmaPic5
Anyway, heto ang una kong tanong: Kapag ang buntis ba ay piniktyuran, makukunan?

Alam mo Karen, ang advocacy ko ay may kinalaman sa kababaihan kaya sakto ang tanong mo. Siguro, para makunan nang maayos ‘yong buntis, dapat laging bukas ang ilaw.

Kung isa lang ang anak mong lalaki, ano ang mas pipiliin mo paglaki niya: maging bakla o maging addict?

Grabe ka naman Karen, pinapahirapan mo ako. Siyempre, mas pipiliin kong

Kumusta na nga pala ang panganay mong si Mark Anthony?

Hay naku! Alam ko na kung saan papunta ang tanong mo. Inuunahan na kita! Hindi bakla si Mark!

So going back to the question…

Mas ok sigurong maging addict na lang. Kasi ang addict, ‘pag nag-asawa, ok lang. Pero ang bakla, pag-nag-asawa, it’s a sin.

Nasa grade school pa lang tayo Alma, itinuturo na sa atin ang evolution. Ang tanong ko: kung totoong nag-evolve mula sa unggoy ang tao, bakit may mukhang kabayo?

May reservations ako d’yan.

Expound.

Teka, kailangan ko bang sagutin ‘yan?

Of course! You are running for senator!

1AlmaPic6
Unang-una, Roman Catholic ako. Mas naniniwala ako sa creation kaysa sa evolution. Pero depende rin kasi sa tao ‘yan. May taong nagmula sa evolution at may taong nagmula sa creation.

Talaga? Sige, I’ll mention some names. Sabihin mo kung produkto sila ng evolution o creation. Una, President Aquino.

Creation siguro. Religious si Tita Cory eh.

Mar Roxas.

Creation din ‘yan.

Grace Poe.

Naku! Mahirap sagutin ‘yan kasi kailangan muna ng DNA test.

Ano ba ‘yong DNA? What does DNA stand for?

Dugo na nga lang! Kailangan ng dugo para ma-match sa dugo niya.

Jon Snow.

Sino ‘yon?!?

Vice President Binay.

Pwedeng mag-pass?

Hindi! Creation o evolution?

Right now kasi, may allegations na evolution. Pero allegations pa lang ‘yon. Mas ok siguro kung husgado na lang ang magpasya.

Lastly: Albay Govenor Joey Salceda.

Alam mo Karen, mabait at masipag ‘yang si Gob. Siguro, creation ‘yan – with reservations.

1AlmaPic2
Malamang, kapag na-upload ‘tong interview na ito sa YouTube, pag-uusapan ka ng mga tao. ‘Di natin maiiwasang may mam-bash. In case lang na maging viral, ano ang mararamdaman mo?

Siyempre, masama! Iba kasing umatake ang virus. Siguro, iinom na lang ako ng Berocca at maraming tubig. Siyempre, samahan mo na rin ng prayers. Importante talaga ang dasal.

Maraming nagtatanong: bakit hindi ka muna mag-congresswoman o kaya mag-mayor? Qualified ka raw bang humawak ng national post?

For your information Karen, mahaba-haba na rin ang experience ko bilang isang legislation. Masama bang mag-ambisyong maging isang Senate?

Huling tanong ko Alma: Kung ikaw ay isang ordinaryong voter at napanood mo ang interbyung ito, iboboto mo ba si Alma Moreno?

Honestly?

Hindi. Kung gusto mo, jokingly. Hehe #medyowaley Inuulit ko: kung ikaw ay isang voter at napanood mo ang interbyung ito, iboboto mo ba si Alma Moreno?

Feeling ko naman, tapat ang hangarin ni Alma. Sabi nga niya, naghintay siya ng sign mula kay Lord. Hindi naman siguro siya tatakbo kung wala siyang natanggap na sign.

So, iboboto mo ba si Alma Moreno?

Malamang!

Malamang na oo o malamang na hindi?

Ahm, oo naman.

Sure?

With reservations.
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“Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.”
~Plato

Sound Bites
“’Pag discrimination kasi, like, nakikita ko iba’t ibang klase ang discrimination ‘di ba? Sa kababaihan lang, ‘pag sinabihan kang bobo ka, discrimination ‘yon ‘di ba?”
~UNA senatorial aspirant Alma Moreno

#PrayForthe2016Elections

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Headstart/ANC Screencaps]





HAPPY BIRTHDAY VP (And other stories)

10 11 2015

1dswdiNTERAKSYON
The Poor
According to the Third Quarter survey of the Social Weather Stations, the number of poor Filipinos has dropped. In Manila alone, poor residents are now fewer. Thanks to the APEC summit.

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The Poor II
Some of the most powerful leaders from the world’s richest nations will converge in the country for the APEC Summit. Some reports have quoted DSWD Sec. Dinky Soliman as saying street-dwellers will take part in a “reach out” activity while the summit is ongoing. For street-dwellers who do not understand the term “reach out,” it’s simple: we welcome the rich, and you’re out.

1DanielMar
Demolition Job
Mar Roxas says the ‘tanim-bala’ issue may be part of a demolition job against the government. Allies believe it’s a plot to destroy the reputation of the administration. Which begs the question: Why the need for ‘tanim-bala’ when you already have people like DOTC Sec. Jun Abaya?

Binay’s Birthday
Vice President Binay marks his 73rd birthday on November 11. Rumors say his supporters organized a circus-themed party. There are clowns, jugglers, and contortionists. The Vice President has personally invited a magician. He’s hoping the magician can make his graft and plunder cases disappear.

1binayGMA
Top 10 Birthday Messages Left on Vice President Binay’s Answering Machine

No. 10: “Pare, kumusta? Si Erap ‘to. Happy 73rd birthday pare. Ang tanda mo na rin pala. Pero ‘wag kang mag-alala. FYI lang, sitenta’y otso na ako. Si Mareng Imelda, otsenta’y sais at si Manong Johnny, nubenta’y uno. May something in common tayong apat kaya sure ako pare, magtatagal ka pa.”

No. 9: “Mr. Vice President, si Sonny Trillanes nga pala ‘to. Sige… go ahead, magpakasaya ka! E-enjoy mo lang ang iyong last birthday – as a free man.”

No. 8: “Hello po Sir Binay! Kami ang pabebe girls at wala kaming pakialam kung birthday mo. Bye!”

No. 7: “Pare, si Gerry Limlingan ‘to. Magpa-Pasko na nagtatago pa rin kami ni Ebeng. ‘Tapos kayo, pa-party-party lang d’yan. Tang-i*a naman o.”

No. 6: “Hey Jojo! How are you doing? I heard it’s your birthday. Have a blast. See you around. By the way, Karma here.”

1Tetay
No. 5: “Hi Vice! Krissy here! Grabe, ano ‘tong nasagap kong tsismis na may bago ka na namang dyowa? ‘Kaw talaga – ‘di makuntento sa isa. Ikaw lang naman ang gumagastos. Nakakaloka ka. Ay, wait! Gosh, maling number pala ang na-dial ko. Sorry Manong Jojo.”

No. 4: “Hi Daddy! Si Junjun ‘to. Mali-late ako sa party. Anyway, kahit anong mangyari, ipagpapatuloy ko ang mga nasimulan mo. Naging mayor ka, naging mayor din ako. Naging VP ka, sana maging VP rin ako. Makukulong ka, malamang makukulong din ako. Idol! Happy birthday!”

No. 3: “Hello Mr. Vice President… this is Mar. Ang bilis talaga ng panahon. Birthday mo na naman. Almost exactly a year ago din, 37 percent pa ang rating mo at No. 1 ka sa SWS survey. Anyareh? Bye! #azarLang #PSYAnyarehsaRating #AlDubTheEndisNear #OTWOLGoodVibes #ZaynPleaseComeBack #AbayaDontResign”

No. 2: “Darling, si Ellen ‘to. Anong oras ka ba uuwi? Nagpadala ng dalawang birthday cake dito ang city hall: isang dark chocolate at isang black forest. Ipababalik ko ba? Nakakainsulto eh.

And the No. 1 message left on Vice President Binay’s answering machine…

“Happy birthday Manong Jojo! Si Noy ho ‘to! Marami na tayong pinagdaanan, at pagdadaanan pa. Kahit nasa kulungan ka na, sana hindi pa rin masira ang pagkakaibigan ng ating mga pamilya. Ang mahalaga, buhay ka pa naman ‘di ba?”
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“But better to get hurt by the truth than comforted with a lie.”
~Khaled Hosseini

Sound Bites
“Bago tayo manibak, siguraduhin muna nating may ebidensya at tamang tao ang sisibakin. Mahirap ‘yong taga lang tayo nang taga ng ulo dito.”
~DOTC Sec. Jun Abaya on the “tanim-bala” controversy

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Street Dwellers: Interaksyon; APEC Summit: Wikipedia; Kris: TechPinas.Com; Roxas YouTube Channel; Binay: GMANetwork.com]





ISANG BALA KA LANG

5 11 2015

ISANG ARAW, sa Ninoy Aquino International Airport…

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Airport Personnel (AP): Sir, wait lang. May nakitang bala sa bulsa ng bag mo.

Passenger (galit): Tapos ano Miss? Igigiit n’yong sa akin ang bala? Tapos kakasuhan n’yo ako? Tapos hihingi kayo ng pera kapalit ng pag-drop sa aking kaso? Tapos ‘pag ‘di ako nagbigay, tutuluyan n’yo ako kaya makukulong ako; ‘di makakaalis ng bansa; maaabala ang trabaho, at mapapahiya sa buong mundo. ‘Yan naman ng plano n’yo ‘di ba? ‘Di ba?!!!! Sumagot ka!!!

AP:

Passenger: Grabe ka namang makatingin ‘teh. Galit agad? Inunahan lang kita. Oo na. Sige na, buksan mo na.

* * * * *

AP: Boss, wait lang. May nakitang dalawang bala sa bag n’yo. Kailangan natin ‘yang buksan.

Passenger: Magkano?

AP: Sir?!

Passenger: SABI KO, MAGKANO!?! SUMAGOT KA! MAGKANO?!?!

AP: ‘WAG N’YO AKONG SIGAWAN DAHIL HINDI AKO BINGI AT LALONG HINDI AKO SANGKOT SA RAKET NA ‘YAN! Magkano ho bang kaya n’yo? Curious lang. Walang malisya.

* * * * *

AP: Miss, may bala sa bag mo! Kailangang buksan mo ‘yan!

Passenger: Huh? Bakit ako magkakabala? Imposible!

AP: Sa office ka na magpaliwanag. Ano ngang pangalan mo?

Passenger: Cathy Duterte.

AP: Sabi ko na nga ba’t sira na naman ‘tong X-ray scanner eh. Sige Miss, diretso ka na.

* * * * *

AP: Sir, kailangang buksan natin ang bag na ito. May nakitang bala ang scanner!

Passenger: Imposible ang sinasabi mo!

AP: Sa office ka na magpaliwanag sir!!!

Passenger: Paano ako magkakabala eh wala naman akong bag!

AP: Joooooke! Kayo naman sir, ‘di na mabiro. Next!

1Bala

* * * * *

AP: Sir, pasensya po. May na-detect na bala sa inyong bag. Kailangan n’yong buksan ‘to.

Passenger: Anong bala?! Kayong taga-NAIA ang may pakana ng lahat! Kasalanan n’yo ‘to!

AP: Kung may nahuling kontrabando sa bag mo, paano ‘yan naging kasalanan ng gobyerno?

Passenger: Mar Roxas ikaw ba ‘yan?

* * * * *

AP: Sir, sandali po. May nakitang bala sa bag n’yo. Kailangan natin ‘yang buksan.

Passenger: Naku Miss, agimat lang ‘yan. Pampasuwerte. Bakit?

AP: Bawal ho ‘yan. Makakasuhan kayo at puwede pang makulong.

Passenger: So ibig sabihin hindi totoong susuwertehin ako?! Pwes… buksan mo na, tapos kunin mo ‘yong bala. Sa ‘yo na lang.

* * * * *

AP: Sir, sandali lang. ‘Yong bag n’yo ho…

Passenger: Make sure lang na totoong bala ‘yang nasa loob ng bag ko dahil kung hindi… uuwi ako ng bahay at kukuha ako ng totoong bala at itatanim ko d’yan sa ulo ng mga tarantadong opisyal at tauhan ng NAIA – including you dahil malakas ang kutob kong magkakasabwat kayo sa pangingikil ng mga inosenteng pasahero kabilang na ang mga OFW na nagpapakahirap sa ibang bansa mapakain lamang ang kanilang naghihikahos na pamilya dito sa Pilipinas! Mga walang-awa! Punyeta kayong lahat!

AP: Eh gago ka pala eh. Ang dami mong satsat! Pati pagkatao ko, hinusgahan mo na agad kahit ‘di pa ako tapos sa sinasabi ko. ‘Yong punyeta mong bag… bukas ang bulsa, baka madukot ‘yang wallet mo o kaya mabiktima ka ng tanim-bala syndicate dito sa NAIA! Judgmental kang leche ka! Wala kang utang na loob!

Passenger:

AP: Sorry sir. Nadala lang ng emosyon.

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AP: Sandali lang Lolo. May isang kahon ng bala sa bagahe n’yo! Kailangang buksan ‘yan!

Passenger: Ok.

AP: Ang tanda-tanda n’yo na, nagdadala pa kayo ng bala. Nasaan ang mga kasama n’yo?

Passenger: Nag-CR lang. Teka, tatawagan ko. (Dials phone) Hello? Bong, sa’n ba kayo nagpunta ni Lani? Balikan n’yo na ako rito.

* * * * *

AP: Boss, wait lang. May nakita kaming mga bala sa bag mo. Ilegal ‘yang ginagawa n’yo! Kailangan natin ‘yang buksan!

Passenger: Akala n’yo matatakot n’yo ako!? Hoy! Alam ko na ang raket n’yo! Eh ‘di buksan n’yo!

AP (opens bag): Kita n’yo na?! “I Like It Shaved,” “Pump My Ride,” “The Whore of the Rings.” Pirated na mga bala ng DVD. Bawal ‘to!

Passenger: Bala talaga? Ang luma huh. Tumu-throwbackThursday ka?

* * * * *

AP: Miss, sandali! May bala sa bulsa ng backpack mo!

Passenger: Bala?!? Ilan?

AP: Isa lang.

Passenger: Anong isa? Hoy! Tatlo ‘yan nang umalis ako sa bahay! Ibalik n’yo ‘yong dalawa! Ibalik n’yo! Mga magnanakaw! Malilikot ang kamay!
———————————————————————————————————————————————–
“A man who has never gone to school may steal a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad.”
~Theodore Roosevelt

Sound Bites
“Bullet day, I will giant you.”
In Filipino: Balang araw, paghihigantihan kita.
~A joke from the ‘90s

Ingat!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: Inquirer.Net; MemeCenter.com; GabeClogston.com]





HERE LIES…

30 10 2015


IN OBSERVANCE of All Saints Day, here’s the updated version of my post called ‘Predicted Epitaphs of Famous Filipinos.’

Kris Aquino: “And then there was silence.”

President Aquino: “Higang matuwid.”

Vice President Binay: “Hello darkness my old friend.”

Mar Roxas: “Oras Na.”

Grace Poe: “Totoo na ‘to. Ipagpapatuloy ko na ang sinimulan ni FPJ.”

Miriam Defensor-Santiago: “Here lies a survivor. But I lied. Hahahaha”

Mayor Duterte: “Mapilit kayo eh! Sige, tatakbo na ako. Paano?!?”

Junjun Binay: “Reunited with his political career.”

Erap: “Went forth and multiplied. Mission accomplished.”

MILF Chairman Al Haj Murad: “At last… peace!”

Juan Ponce Enrile: “O ano?! Happy na kayo.”

Manny Pacquiao: “118-112, 116-112, 120-108 all in favor of Death.”

Nancy Binay: “Too much cake will kill you.

Sharon Cuneta: “’Pag ‘di pa ako pumayat, ewan ko na lang.”

#AlDub: #MalingPanahon
———————————————————————————————————————————–
“I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.”
~Winston Churchill

Sound Bites
“Senator Poe called me up last Friday and requested that I be substituted by Edu Manzano. I said, no problem, I’m okay with it. In the first place, being invited to be a guest candidate is a privilege and it can be withdrawn anytime.”
~Former senator Panfilo Lacson

Enjoy your weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





TAMANG PANAHON

26 10 2015

1PacquiaoScoopNest
Nuisance
A taxpayer has asked the Commission on Elections to disqualify Manny Pacquiao – known for his absenteeism in Congress – from running for senator in 2016. Petitioner Ferdinand Sevilla also asked the poll body to declare Pacquiao a nuisance candidate – inspiring basketball fans to file a petition asking the PBA to declare Pacquiao a nuisance basketball player.

Over the weekend, Cong. Manny Pacquiao finally scored his first ever field goal as a “professional” basketball player. Just so you know, Pacquiao is also the head coach of his team, Mahindra Enforcer. The Sarangani solon is just being very consistent. If he’s not mocking Congress, he’s mocking the PBA.

According to Bob Arum, Manny Pacquiao’s last fight will be on April 9, 2016. And Kim Henares was like, “‘Wag pakasigurado.”

Banned
Communist China has banned excessive drinking, gluttony, and extramarital affairs. In other news, the scheduled Beijing trip of Manila Mayor Joseph Estrada has been canceled.

1MenorcaGMANewsDetained
Lowell Menorca, a former Iglesia Ni Cristo minister, revealed that he and his family were in fact abducted – and detained for three months inside the INC’s central compound in Quezon City. It was a traumatic ordeal. He was allegedly handcuffed, charged with possession of an explosive, and forced to watch the almost three-hour “Felix Manalo” biopic repeatedly.

Discovery
A recent study has discovered that crocodiles may sleep with only half their brain. Which is nothing compared to some crocodiles in our country who are allowed to legislate even without brain.

1AlDubINQFlip-Flop
For the first time in six years, Vice Ganda has admitted that ‘It’s Showtime’ will never beat rival noontime show ‘Eat Bulaga.’ The acerbic TV host added ‘It’s Showtime’ was given the time slot “hindi para talunin ang Eat Bulaga” but “sasamahan lang silang magpasaya.” That was Vice Ganda’s funniest joke ever.

On the anniversary special of ‘It’s Showtime,’ Vice Ganda admitted that their show will never beat rival noontime program ‘Eat Bulaga.’ AlDub fans are still checking if Vice Ganda’s comment was “real and organic.”

Back to the Future
The 1985 film ‘Back to the Future’ celebrated its 30th anniversary last Oct. 21. To commemorate the event, the people behind the Michael J. Fox starrer released a list of things it accurately predicted such as the use of biometrics, personal drones, hoverboards, and hands-free gaming consoles. The film also correctly predicted that Filipinos would continue to elect thieves and their relatives to public office.

Drunk Drivers
Thirty percent of US teenagers have willingly accepted a ride from a drunk driver within the past year. In the Philippines, we don’t have a similar study although teens have been recently advised to refuse a ride when offered by a drunk Atenean basketeer.

1BotoxNYDailyNewsRIP
Dr. Arnold Klein, the “Father of Botox” has died at the age of 67. Our condolences go out to his family, friends, Cher, Tingting Cojuangco, Vicki Belo, Gretchen Barreto, and half of show business.

The “Father of Botox” – Dr. Arnold Klein has died. Eulogies and tributes of his grieving clients are moving. Their faces do not.
————————————————————————————————————————–
“Arrogance is an illusion of superiority one perpetrates upon their self. Some may ultimately find their way through the illusion, but only after many losses.”
~Debra Crown

Sound Bites
“Kahit pagsamasamahin namin ang powers namin dito, ‘di ho namin kayang talunin ang Eat Bulaga.”
~Vice Ganda

Hubris.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Manny Pacquiao: Scoopnest.Com; Menorca: GMA News; AlDub: Inquirer.net; Klein: NY Daily News;]





ONE BIG FIGHT

21 10 2015

1MBPDI
SENATOR MIRIAM Defensor-Santiago has chosen Bongbong Marcos as her running mate in 2016. Last week, the feisty senator was quoted to have said that the Marcoses didn’t owe Filipinos an apology for what happened during the late dictator’s regime. Santiago’s statement can be read both online and in her upcoming book, “Stupid Is Forever Indeed.”

Feelings
Detained former president and Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo is running unopposed next year. In her Facebook post, she used the emoticon “feeling loved.” Pampanga Governor Lilia Pineda and son, Vice Gov. Dennis Pineda are also running unopposed. In separate Facebook posts, they used the emoticon, “feeling tumama sa jueteng.”

1MBPDI
Loveliness
Actress Alma Moreno is running for senator. In her Facebook post, she was advised to use the emoticon, “feeling!”

Alma Moreno is seeking a Senate seat under the United Nationalist Alliance. Alma was a former live-in partner of the late Dolphy, and was married to Joey Marquez. She’s teaming up now with Vice President Binay. She really likes comedians.

Manny
Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao who is running for senator under the UNA banner has defended Vice President Binay from critics. Pacquiao says people should not be “too judgmental” on Binay. He also mentioned something about their similarities. He had humble beginnings; Binay had humble beginnings. He strived hard to become a multimillionaire; Binay strived hard to become a multimillionaire. He achieved his wealth through honest means; Binay strived hard to become a multimillionaire.

Legit
Vice President Binay’s close aide Gerry Limlingan – who is still in hiding – has asked the Court of Appeals to lift the freeze order on his 170 bank accounts. Limlingan claims his millions came from legit businesses such as mining, logging, and undying loyalty to the Binays.

1MBPDI
“Councilor Apacible”
Have you seen the viral video of a certain John Apacible of the Ateneo Blue Eagles? Obviously, the basketeer got drunk. With a 5-4 win-loss record, who wouldn’t?

A video showing a drunk member of the Ateneo Blue Eagles causing a disturbance along Timog Avenue has gone viral. Some disgruntled members of the Ateneo community are trying to figure out a way to blame this on Coach Bo Perasol.

In the video, basketeer John Apacible – who’s obviously drunk – can be seen bragging a “COUNCILOR” protocol plate. He was approached by cops who were patrolling the area but the cops did not bother to make an arrest when Apacible introduced himself as a “councilor.” Talk about “protocol.”

1MBPDI
A video showing a drunk John Apacible of the Ateneo Blue Eagles has gone viral. In the video, Apacible went on a rage cursing motorists along Timog Avenue in Quezon City and trying to pick up a fight. Somebody must remind Apacible that he’s playing in the UAAP – not the NCAA.

John Apacible, a member of the Ateneo men’s basketball team was caught on cam cursing motorists and trying to pick up a fight along Timog Avenue. Apacible was seen on the video for over three minutes. That’s really long. In comparison, Apacible is seen inside the playing court for 2 ½ minutes on the average.

Of course, John Apacible can recover from this meltdown. This Atenean, who apparently loves to drink, is still young. He can be president – or mayor of Manila someday.
———————————————————————————————————————-
“The first thing in the human personality that dissolves in alcohol is dignity.”
~Author Unknown

Sound Bites
“I would disagree with Mr. Marcos that the details of Martial Law would have to be buried or forgotten.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago

Drink moderately.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Miriam-Bongbong: Inquirer.net; Alma Moreno: GMA Network; Apacible: Athletic Motion Blog]





THE TRUTH

16 10 2015

1EliteReaders

IF TRAPOS who are running in 2016 would be honest…

“Ipagpapatuloy ko po ang nasimulan ng aming pamilya: ang magkunwaring para sa mahihirap at magbulsa ng inyong pera.”

“Ang pinili ko upang maging running mate ay si [insert name of politician] dahil bukod sa naniniwala ako sa kanyang kakayahan, wala na rin akong choice. Siya na lang ang available at gustong sumama sa akin.”

“Bubuhayin po nating muli ang [insert name of city]. Joke lang! Nakailang terms din ako noon pero ‘di ko naman nabuhay ang siyudad. Ako lang at ang pamilya ko ang umasenso.”

“Tatakbo po ako sa ilalim ng [name of party] kahit ngayon lang ako naging miyembro nito dahil naniniwala ako sa plataporma ng partido. Huwag n’yo na po akong tanungin kung ano ang platapormang ‘yon. Kaka-join ko nga lang ‘di ba?! ‘Wag makulit!”

“Panahon na ng pagbabago! Dapat lumevel-up na ang pag-asenso! Ang mga nagawa ko sa city hall, gagawin ko rin sa palasyo: ang pagnakawan kayo.

“Grabe po ang clamor ng taumbayan upang ako ay tumakbo. Nandiyan ang pamilya ko, ang mga kamag-anak ko, ang aking staff, at ilang kapartido. Part naman sila ng taumbayan ‘di ba? Hindi ko puwedeng balewalain ang clamor kaya tatakbo po ako!”

“Sabi nila, wala akong karapatang maging senador dahil isa lamang akong artista. Wala rin daw akong alam sa paggawa ng batas dahil hanggang konsehal lang ang nahawakan kong puwesto. Alam ko! At hindi ako affected. Tse!”

“Huwag na huwag po kayong maniniwala sa resulta ng mga survey na ‘yan. Hindi ‘yan totoo… unless ako ang nangunguna. Kung number 1 ako, ‘yan… pwede na kayong maniwala.”

“Natalo po ako noong huling eleksyon at malaki-laki rin ang nagastos ko noon. Ito na ang tamang panahon upang makabawi.”

“Taimtim po kong nanalangin upang humingi ng gabay. Muli ba akong tatakbo kahit isang siglo na ang pamilya ko sa puwesto? Ang sagot po ng Panginoon: ‘Tama na. Sobra na. Marami ka nang naibulsa.’ Kaya mga kababayan, buo na po ang aking pasya. Ngayong 2016… ako ay tatakbo pa rin. Hindi hawak ng Panginoon ang aking kapalaran. Gabay lamang siya. Meron akong free will, gagamitin ko ito.”
———————————————————————————————————————————
“Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.”
~Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary,1911

Sound Bites
“I never said that I am running or I was running. Past, present future, future perfect. I never told anybody in any gathering, venue and said I am interested even. Just being interested in the office, not actually running. Wala man talaga akong… bakit sila madi-disappoint? In the first place I never agreed to be a candidate for president.”
~Reelectionist Davao City Mayor Rodrigo Duterte

‘Pag ayaw, ayaw! ‘Wag pilitin. Happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





CIRCUS

13 10 2015

1PSINQ
THE FILING of certificates of candidacy for the 2016 national elections started Monday, October 12. Among the early birds were Vice President Binay and former TESDA chief Augusto Syjuco Jr. – forcing Comelec officials to deny reports that for someone to qualify to run for president, he or she must have been charged with plunder.

At least 22 aspirants for president filed their COCs on Monday. The long list includes Binay, Syjuco, Ely Pamatong, Filipino-Russian Ralph Masloff, and Pastor Eric Negapatan, who claims to be the discoverer of titanium. Which explains why Comelec declared Monday as National Day for Tolerance.

1ignacioInteraksyon
Alejandro Ignacio of Tondo, who also wants to become president, laments, “Bakit hindi nila ako papayagang kumandidato; dahil ba mahirap lang ako? Iyong iba nga d’yan, kumakandidato para magnakaw lang!” To which, Vice President Binay allegedly said, “You’re wrong. Hindi lang ‘yon.”

Another aspirant for president, Freddiesher Esposo Llamas vows to shut down beer houses in the country if elected. Executive Sec. Paquito Ochoa and Manila Mayor Joseph Estrada vow to campaign against him.

1LuciferANC
Romeo John Ygonia who filed his COC Tuesday morning calls himself “Archangel Lucifer.” Rumors say the camp of Vice President Binay is suing Ygonia for identity theft.

Presidential aspirant Romeo Ygonia identifies himself as “Archangel Lucifer.” Beware of more prominent candidates Mr. Lucifer. They’re experts in the field.

According to Romeo John Ygonia, he was sent to run for president – by God. As opposed to Grace Poe who was reportedly sent to run for president – by Chiz.

Another aspirant, lawyer Ely Pamatong, whose COC was rejected several times in the past by the poll body complained yesterday, “Nilalait ako sa media dahil nuisance candidate ako. Minamaliit ako for 8 years.” That is not entirely true. It’s actually 9 years now.

Running
If dismissed Makati City mayor Junjun Binay is unable to seek reelection, his sister Abigail will run for mayor while Abigail’s husband, Luis Campos is being groomed to replace her as congressman. In other news, the Binay family has a new campaign slogan, “Business as usual.”

Not Running
Tough-talking Davao City mayor, Rodrigo Duterte will not run for president. That’s his final decision. As of Monday, October 12.
———————————————————————————————————————————–
“Taking crazy things seriously is a serious waste of time.”
~Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

1Plunder4ArabNews
Sound Bites
“The sheer breadth of the plunder, corruption and official wrongdoing represented on that stage by the assembled foursome would appear to have no equal in the world’s annals.”
Editorial: Instructive Picture, Philippine Daily Inquirer

“There was no ambition for me to aspire for the presidency.The country does not need me. I find no need for it too.”
~Mayor Rodrigo Duterte

No to thieves in 2016 – and beyond!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Pamatong/Syjuco: Inquirer.net; Magtira: Interaksyon; Archangel Lucifer: ANC; Duterte: Manila Bulletin ; Imelda, Enrile, Estrada, Bongbong: ArabNews]





IN THIS CORNER

9 10 2015

1Pacquoa
LITO LAPID’s term as senator ends next year. It’s premature to celebrate though because Manny Pacquiao is running for a Senate seat.

Manny Pacquiao is running for senator. He vows to push for the rights of the less fortunate if he wins. Which probably is an easier task than pushing himself to attend sessions.

According to Manny Pacquiao, he will push for the rights of the less fortunate if he wins as senator. Pacquiao is done giving us great pride and honor. He’s now giving us great-great-grandmotherhood statements.

The People’s Champ revealed that a month before his fight with Floyd Maywether Jr., he dreamt that he’d lose the bout. Pacquiao added he felt “blessed” when God “informed” him of his fate ahead of the fight. To which, God said, “Don’t worry, I’ll ‘bless’ you again in 2016.”

1BBInquirer
Rejected
Bongbong Marcos has officially rejected the offer of Vice President Binay to be his running mate in 2016. Imelda is reportedly opposed to the idea. In totally unrelated news, when asked if she believes in the proverb, “Galit ang magnanakaw sa kapwa magnanakaw,” Imelda replied, “Excuse me! Hindi ako galit!”

The Marcoses have rejected the offer of Vice President Binay to team up in 2016. Which is really bad news for the Vice President because, if people whom he can most identify with wouldn’t accept him, who else will?

Vice President Binay was quoted to have said that we need a “daang mabilis” not “daang matuwid” to achieve growth. Well, that’s the secret of many politicians: mabilis ang isip, mabilis ang kilos, mabilis ang kamay.

Disappointed
Bongbong Marcos says his mom, Imelda is disappointed with his decision to seek the vice presidency instead of running for president. Nonetheless, the 86-year-old former First Lady still hopes to see Bongbong make it to Malacañang in the future. The question is: will she make it to the future?

1TolentinoRappler
Resigned
Atty. Francis Tolentino has resigned as MMDA chief. The beleaguered official has denied though that he quit his job to focus on being a booking agent.

Amid the ‘Playgirls’ controversy, President Aquino expressed support for resigned MMDA Chairman Francis Tolentino. The President saw the video of the raunchy performance online – and he was convinced, it was nothing compared to those “shows” he and Paquito Ochoa Jr. had seen – live!

Dancing Prexy
A video of Argentine president Cristina Elisabet Fernandez de Kirchner dancing during a recent political rally in Buenos Aires has gone viral – forcing former MMDA Chairman Francis Tolentino to deny that he booked Kirchner for the event.

1SandRappler
Camming
Confessed former jueteng bagman-turned-whistleblower Sandra Cam is running for senator under the ticket of Vice President Binay. Cam said, “Wala akong pera pero meron akong puso.” Which explains her Plan B in case she loses: joining Gilas Pilipinas.

Doomsday
According to an Internet-based Christian group, the world was supposed to end on Oct. 7, 2015. That was entirely crap. For the UP community, the world ended last Oct. 3 when the UP Pep Squad lost to NU.
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————
“If you surround yourself with clowns, don’t be surprised when your life resembles a circus.”
~Steve Maraboli

Sound Bites
“Joker Arroyo loved a good fight – and never runs away from it. He served his country right. And he deserved a big ‘Thank You’ from all of us.”
~Senate President Drilon on former senator Joker Arroyo, 88

Have a safe weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Pacquiao: The Telegraph; Bongbong/Binay: Inquirer.Net; Tolentino and Cam: Rappler





DEAR CHARO: TWERK IT LIKE LP

3 10 2015

MAALAALA MO KAYA
Episode No. 1215
October 3, 2015

PAALALA: Maaari kayong manalo ng 1,000-peso load kung mahuhulaan n’yo ang pamagat ng episode natin ngayong gabi. Kailangang may sagot na kayo bago matapos ang inyong pagbabasa. Limang mapapalad na readers ang magwawagi. Good luck.

(Before reading the letter, click this video and wait for the music to play.)

MINSAN sa buhay ng tao, dumarating ang puntong sinusubok ang kanyang katatagan. Susuko ba siya o lalaban?

Magandang gabi, Kapamilya. Ang ating tampok na kwento ay hango sa padalang liham ng isang miyembro ng Playfulgirls – isang grupo ng sexy dancers. Itago na lang natin siya sa pangalang Francheska.

Pero bago ‘yan, October 2015 na pala. Napakabilis ng panahon. Napakaraming pagbabago sa ating paligid. Ang hindi lang nagbago ay ang letter-senders sa aking programa. Hanggang ngayon, nagpapadala pa rin sila ng liham. Pwede naman nilang i-blog na lang o kaya i-email. Bakit kailangang lumiham pa. Ano ‘to? ‘80s?

Buweno, simulan na natin ang pagbabasa ng liham ni Francheska.

“Dear Charo,

Miyembro ako ng Playfulgirls – isang grupo ng mga seksing babaeng sumasayaw sa mga event at party. Malinis ang trabaho namin. Konting giling, konting lambing… pera.

Tahimik naman po ang buhay namin hanggang sa dumating ang isang pangyayaring naglagay sa amin sa kahihiyan. Pinag-usapan, hinusgahan. Napakasakit po.

Nagsimula po ito sa isang good news mula sa aming manager.

Last week. Somewhere in QC.
“O, girls… tumawag si Chairman. May raket tayo! Magtu-twerk kayo sa harap ng isang congressman! Bongga! Kumikitang kabuhayan na naman! Galingan ang pagsayaw huh! Congressman ‘yan! Madatung.”

“Eh mamita, hindi ba thunderdome na ‘yang congressman na ‘yan? Baka ‘di kami ma-appreciate, sayang naman.”

“Gaga! Congressman ‘yan! Kesehodang naka-diaper pa ‘yan, importante ang inyong performance! ‘Tsaka may mga kaibigang mayor o konsehal ‘yan. ‘Pag na-impress n’yo sila, kukunin kayo sa kampanya!”

* * *

Charo, nagulat kami nang dumating sa venue. Oath-taking pala ng mga bagong miyembro ng Liberal Party ang event na aming pinuntahan at hindi private party. May mga bata pa at estudyante! Pero dahil professional kami, tuloy ang show!

At ito na nga ang mga sumunod na pangyayari…

1Playfulgirls01

1Playfulgirls02

1Playfulgirls03

1Playfulgirls04

Kung naloka kayo, naloka rin kami. Feeling namin, na-set up kami.

Sa totoo lang Charo, pang-adult talaga ang ni-rehearse namin. Kung sinabihan lang kaming buong barangay pala ang invited, dapat nag-singkil na lang kami.

At ito pa ang nakakaloka. Napansin n’yo ba ang stage backdrop? “40 Years In Service” – Ibang service yata ang tinutukoy ni Congressman. Alam ba ng asawa niya ‘yan?

Sorry nga pala Charo, photos lang ang kalakip ng liham ko pero pwede mong makita ang video dito.

So ‘yon na nga! Grabe ang reaksyon sa Internet. Kung anu-anong pangalan ang itinawag sa amin. Hinusgahan agad kami. Na kesyo malaswa, madumi, malibag, puro tuwad ang alam, bayaran, mababang uri, at iba pang masasakit na salita.

Nag-trend pa kami sa Twitter, Charo. Pero ang pinakamasakit sa lahat, ang denial ni Chairman.

“I was just a guest at the birthday party. I did not bring any dancer or singer. The emcee probably got misinformed.”

Ang sakit Chairman. Bakit mo nagawa ‘yon? Metro Manila Denial Authority ka talaga! Matagal na tayong friends, alam mo ‘yan! 2013 pa lang, kinukuha mo na kami sa kampanya ‘tapos ngayon, biglang: “I was just a guest at the birthday party?!” Pastilan! Yawa!

1agarao22
Charo, nasa tamang edad naman kami. Hindi kami pinilit magsayaw dahil trabaho naman talaga ito. Marangal na trabaho. Pero wala naman sanang laglagan. Pati ‘tong si Congressman, grabe kung makapagsalita. Kung mai-describe niya kami, parang isang object ang tingin niya sa amin! Sabi niya…

“Pangkaraniwan na ho iyan sa probinsiya, may nagreregalo ng entertainment.”

Regalo??? Regalo, Charo?!? Sumagot ka Charo! Tama bang tawagin kaming regalo???! Charo! Nakatulog ka na yata! [Francheska, hindi ako nakatulog, binabasa ko nga ang liham mo ‘di ba?] Hindi kami regalo Congressman! Binayaran kami! Nagtrabaho kami. Anong regalo ang pinagsasasabi mo d’yan!

Charo, naiintindihan namin ang reaksyon ni Mar Roxas pero nasaktan pa rin kami nang slight nang sabihin niyang:

“Iwaksi natin ang ganitong klaseng mga gimik, lalo pa’t nakakabastos ito.”

1Twerk
Inuulit namin… wala kaming kaalam-alam na public event pala ang aming pinuntahan. Kung nabastusan ka sa amin sir, we’re not surprised. Basta! I don’t want to elaborate.

Nagpapasalamat nga pala kami kay Congw. Leni Robredo sa kanyang concern. Sabi niya kasi kahapon:

“Walang puwang sa aming partido ang kahit anong gawaing niyuyurakan ang karapatan at dignidad ng kababaihan.”

Balita namin ma’am, tatakbo raw kayong vice president. Parang recently lang po, sabi n’yo hindi kayo ready sa mas mataas na puwesto lalo na kung bise presidente. After just a month, biglang ready? Anyareh? Dahil po concerned kayo sa amin, concerned din po kami sa inyo. Kung kayo ay napipilitan lang dahil sa pressure ng LP, ‘wag n’yo nang ituloy. Mag-senador muna kayo.

Charo, hindi mo ba napapansin? Lumalayo na tayo sa isyu. Nasa pulitika na tayo pero tuloy pa rin ang pagbabasa mo sa aking liham. Hindi ba ito na-edit ng iyong headwriter?

‘Yon lang Charo ang punto ko at ng aming grupo. Nais naming iparating kay Chairman at kay Congressman na nasasaktan kami sa kanilang mga sinasabi. Manindigan naman sana sila at matutong umako sa responsibilidad.

Walang laglagan sa tuwid na daan.

Gumagalang,

Francheska

[Muling i-click ang music para mas ramdam ang closing ni Ma’m Charo. Huwag ituloy ang pagbabasa hangga’t di naririnig si Dulce.]

Mga Kapamilya… sa huling statement ni Congressman Agarao, sinabi nitong wala siyang nakikitang bastos sa ginawa ng Playfulgirls sa harap ng maraming tao: bata, matanda, lalaki, babae, estudyante. Sa katunayan aniya, maraming congressman ang nanonood ng adult shows kung saan naka-cage pa ang mga babae – hanggang madaling araw.

Kitang-kita natin ang mentalidad ng kongresistang ito. Ayaw kong madamay sa pulitika ang ating programa kaya’t iiwan ko sa inyo ang pag-aanalisa at pagpapasya.

Good luck nga pala sa mga huhula sa episode title. Ito po si Charo Santos na nagsasabing, “Respect for ourselves guides our morals; respect for others guides our manners.” Magandang gabi, Kapamilya.
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“REGALO”

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Tama ba ang hula mo? To claim your prize, padalhan mo muna ng 300 pesos na load ang number na ito: 0905-8903030. Call us now. Atty. Buboy Cervantes nga pala ito. [Per DTI-NCR Permit No. 3 Series of 2015]
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Sound Bites
“It depends on how you appreciate things. Like me, I’m a real man, I see nothing lewd. In Manila, some women dance in cages. In other provinces, your eyeballs will fall out and yet there is no malice. Here in Metro Manila, a lot of congressmen [watch these shows] until dawn
~Cong. Benjie Agarao

Raunchy
Shortly after the oath-taking of local Liberal Party recruits in Sta.Cruz, Laguna, a group of scantily-clad women known as Playgirls performed a naughty dance number with some male audience. Critics say LP members are “chauvinistic” and “pigs!” To which, Senator Drilon said, “Hoy! I’m not chauvinistic.”

Imelda
An online report claims former First Lady Imelda Marcos is against the rumored Binay and Bongbong tandem in 2016. Vice President Binay, who is being accused of stealing public funds has been described by Imelda as “madumi.” Imelda still hates competition.

Happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Playgirls: Screengrabbed from an Inquirer video; Agarao: Congress.gov.ph]





#ALDUB: IT’S SHOWTIME!

29 09 2015

1RatingPep
IN AN APPARENT ATTEMPT to quell the popularity of Eat Bulaga’s #AlDub love team, ABS-CBN’s constellation of stars showed up on ‘Showtime’ for its sixth anniversary celebration at the historic Araneta Coliseum last Saturday. And the viewing public has spoken. According to AGB Nielsen, Eat Bulaga got 37.2 percent nationwide while Showtime got 17.4 percent. In Mega Manila, Eat Bulaga got 45.7 percent while Vice Ganda’s Showtime got 11.4 percent. These numbers thrilled #AlDub supporters, Eat Bulaga loyalists, and Nancy Binay.

Based on both AGB and Kantar research, Eat Bulaga clobbered Showtime in the ratings game. There’s no truth to rumors though that Sky Cable has apologized to ABS-CBN for not doing well enough.

1RatingPep
When sought for comfort, President Aquino allegedly told his good friend Vice Ganda, “Buhay ka pa naman ‘di ba?”

On Twitter, the hashtag #AlDubEBforLove generated 25.6 million tweets while #ShowtimeKapamilyaDay got 6.33 million. The good news for Showtime is “it’s not fatal.”

On Facebook, Showtime host Vice Ganda thanked Showtime fans for their “REAL and ORGANIC tweets” – subtly insinuating that #ADubEBforLove tweets were not. In other news, a new character will replace Miss Pastillas on Showtime. It’s Mr. Ampalaya.

In the battle of hashtags: #AlDubEBforLove generated 25.6 million tweets while #ShowtimeKapamilyaDay got 6.33 million. The next day Vice Ganda thanked Showtime fanatics for their “REAL and ORGANIC tweets” – reminding the public that it’s election season once again. Nobody loses, just cheated.

1VGKaryllePEP
After Showtime’s anniversary special, ABS-CBN released a video and photos of Vice Ganda kissing co-host, Karylle on stage. The struggle is real.

IN OTHER NEWS…
According to the latest Pulse Asia survey, the top concern of 47 percent of Filipinos were economic-related issues. Those Filipinos were probably lying because it’s really AlDub.

1mENU
Poe On Top
The results of the latest Pulse Asia pre-election survey are out. Grace Poe leads the pack with 26 percent. Trailing her are Mar Roxas, 20 percent; Vice President Binay, 19 percent, and Mayor Rodrigo Duterte, 16 percent. By region, Poe takes Luzon; Roxas takes Visayas, and Duterte takes Mindanao. Binay takes offense.

Yes to Pork
On Monday, Mar Roxas and Jojo Binay addressed a group of politicians allied with former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo. Mar Roxas vowed to continue the reforms started by President Aquino. The politicians applauded. Vice President Binay said he wanted a new form of pork barrel for congressmen. The politicians gave him a standing ovation.

Isko Resigns
Vice Mayor Isko Moreno has reportedly resigned as Manila’s traffic czar. The news came as a shock to Manila residents who asked, “May traffic czar ang Manila?!?”
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“Never be bitter, become better.”
~Johnnie Dent Jr.

Sound Bites
“Okay lang sa akin ang kababawan, pero hanggang doon na lamang ba tayo? #NagtatanongLangPo.”
~Lea Salonga, 9.26.2015/Twitter

Chill!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Ratings, Vice Ganda and Karylle: PEP; Poe, Roxas, Binay: Inquirer.net]





ALDEN, BINAY, POLITICS, AND OTHER STORIES

25 09 2015

1BinayAlden

Binay Biopic
Vice President Binay was quoted to have said that he wanted popular teenage heartthrob Alden Richards to portray him in a biopic. Binay has made the perfect choice because Alden does the best and the most shriek-worthy ‘nakaw na tingin’ and ‘nakaw na sandali’ acting.

Vice President Binay wants Alden Richards to portray him in a biopic. The project will be a big challenge for Alden, and an even bigger challenge for his make-up artist.

A Binay biopic will have a very simple plot: from rags to suspicious riches.

1BINAYAD
Binay Ad
The latest political ad of Vice President Binay has started airing on TV. In the video, Binay played the victim card and was very emotional. His acting was so good, the TV ad almost edged out ‘Heneral Luna’ for the right to represent the country in the 2016 Oscars.

Vice President Binay’s latest TV ad received mixed reviews from netizens. Some hated it while others really really hated it.

Heneral Luna
Reports say some people who watched the historical biopic ‘Heneral Luna’ wondered why the Apolinario Mabini character was never seen standing. They asked, “Why was he always seated?” The answer to that is, “Why are you such idiots?”

Jaworski’s Son
For the nth time, former senator Robert Jaworski’s son, Ryan had a brush with the law. Ryan, who is suspected of being involved in gunrunning, sustained a gunshot wound when he and a friend reportedly exchanged fire with police operatives in Makati City last weekend. The latest: Ryan insists he is just a victim, and is innocent of the charges. This guy can be the next vice president.

Accomplishments
President Aquino says Vice President Binay has yet to show proof of his “accomplishments” in the housing sector. Challenged, Binay showed the President photos of Mayor Junjun’s private room in Makati City Hall.

1ReyesReyes Brothers
Former Palawan governor Joel Reyes and his brother, former Coron town mayor Mario Reyes who are primary suspects in the murder of broadcaster/environmentalist Gerry Ortega in 2011 were arrested in Phuket, Thailand the other day. They were deported back to Manila on Friday, September 25. Local authorities were so ready for them. They prepared warrants of arrest, detention cells, and wheelchairs.

The brothers’ lawyer says Joel and Mario Reyes who have been in hiding since 2012 were “not arrested” but “surrendered” in Thailand. Which begs the question, “Who the hell are you kidding?”

Latest Survey
According to the latest Pulse Asia survey, Sen. Grace Poe is the most preferred candidate for president. Poe got 27 percent; Binay, 21 percent, and Roxas, 18 percent. Davao City Mayor Rodrigo Duterte who has officially dropped out of the race got 15 percent. We need more people like Duterte. People who know why they should drop out of the race for president.

1SheGraceINQ
Sheryl and Grace
Actress Sheryl Cruz believes her first cousin Sen. Grace Poe is not ready to become president yet saying “popularity cannot be translated into capability.” In case you’re not familiar with Sheryl, she was a member of ‘Triplets,’ That’s Entertainment’s Wednesday group, and just recently, the Liberal Party.

Sheryl Cruz insists that Sen. Grace Poe is not prepared to lead the country. With a cousin like that, who needs Toby Tiangco or Egay Erice?

1fb
Facebook
Mark Zuckerberg confirms Facebook is working on a ‘Dislike’ button. As early as now, Facebook users are expressing dislike for it.

Top 10 Buttons Facebook (Philippines) Should Consider Adding to the Site

10: Thank You

9: Seriously?!?

8: Inggit much.

7: Shut up!

6: Epal Alert

5: And this should be news because…

4: Echosera!

3: Mag-Tagalog ka na lang.

2: Who cares?

And the No. 1 button Facebook should seriously consider adding to the site…

Buhay ka pa naman ‘di ba?
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“But wishes are only granted in fairy tales.”
~Simone Elkeles, Perfect Chemistry

Sound Bites
“I thank Sheryl for her opinion and concern for us. As a family, we will continue to give her the love and respect she deserves.”
~Sen. Grace Poe

Have a great weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Binay: Article.Wn.Com; Binay Ad Screencap; Inquirer.net; Reyes Brothers: @JLDeJesusINQ]








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