READY TO RUMBLE

12 01 2016

1DL
ON SUNDAY, January 10, the election period officially started. January 10 also marked the start of the 2016 election gun ban mainly to prevent Comelec Chairman Andy Bautista and Commissioner Rowena Guanzon from killing each other.

Campaign Period
Soon, moneyed candidates will visit cities, provinces, even the remotest barangays in the country to woo voters. Officially, it’s called “campaign period.” In the words of the CPP-NPA, it’s “business opportunity.”


Like!
Former Justice Secretary Leila De Lima just came out with probably one of the best political ads this election season. It depicted her tough stance against corruption. In the ad, a huge cage dropped over three shady characters, trapping them. As of Tuesday morning, the ad has been “liked” by 420 people. However, some 890 people have clicked the “dislike” button. And that’s just the members of the Revilla clan.

Dislike!
Former Justice Secretary Leila De Lima’s new TV ad is out. It’s awesome! Posted last Sunday on YouTube, the black and white ad has almost 90,000 views. As of Tuesday morning, 420 people have “liked” it. But more people – almost 900 “disliked” the ad. ‘K, fine! We’re not expecting you to like it anyway, Iglesia ni Cristo!

Furlough
Jinggoy Estrada and Bong Revilla have asked the Sandiganbayan to allow them to attend the wake of TV host German ‘Kuya Germs’ Moreno. To be fair, the two actors, now detained for plunder, are really close to the Master Showman. Also, their political career and Kuya Germs have something in common. Dead.

1DL
Advisory
The Department of Trade and Industry and the Department of Health issued a joint statement saying “hoverboards” are inappropriate for kids 14 years old and below. But the two agencies clarified people who are 15 years old and above may use the popular ride if they don’t mind looking stupid.

Traslacion 2015
Two Black Nazarene devotees reportedly died during this year’s Traslacion. Reports say the fatalities joined the procession to pray for “a better life.” The Black Nazarene granted them “a better place.”

Probe
On Monday, Jan. 11, the House of Representatives conducted a hearing on the alleged irregularities in the recent Metro Manila Film Festival. Because you know, priorities.

1DL
In the hearing, ‘Honor Thy Father’ director, Erik Matti said, “The MMFF is only concerned about money and not in the welfare of the producers, the film workers and the taxpayers who support them each year.” To which, the congressmen replied, “Tell us something we don’t know.”

Personal Concern
In a recent Pulse Asia survey, three in five Filipinos cited “staying healthy” as their top “personal” concern. The other two refused to give up on love.

1DL
Fined
Comedian and frustrated politician Amay Bisaya was fined by the Comelec for his failure to submit his statement of campaign contributions during the May 2013 elections. Which begs the question, who, in his right mind, would contribute to Amay Bisaya’s election campaign?
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“I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.”
~Adlai Stevenson

Sound Bites
“I can go anytime. I’m here to help the president. If he tells me I have to go, I’ll go. This position is just a privilege.”
~Embattled DOTC Sec. Jun Abaya

“The people are still not used to disposing of their own trash during the procession.”
~ MMDA General Manager Cora Jimenez on the 367 tons of garbage along the route of this year’s Traslacion

Walang himala.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Gun Ban: Inquirer.Net; Hoverboard: Telegraph.UK; MMFF:MMDA; Amay Bisaya: FAP.Org]





SO RICH, SO POOR

8 01 2016

1Binay
Top Spender
According to the Nielsen Advertising Information Service, Vice President Binay is the biggest TV ad spender among the aspirants for president. From January to November 2015, Binay reportedly spent almost 600 million pesos for political ads. Again, that’s 600 million pesos! Or as the Vice President would say, “Maliit na bagay.”

Surge
Despite allegations of corruption, the Vice President’s trust and approval ratings even increased according to the latest survey conducted by Pulse Asia. Two survey questions were asked. One: “Do you still trust the Vice President?” And 2: “If yes, what’s wrong with you?”

Poor
According to the latest Social Weather Stations survey, 50 percent of respondents remain poor. The other half remain in denial.

Poor II
The latest SWS survey showed 50 percent of respondents considered themselves “mahirap” or poor. This, according to Business World, is the lowest in four years. Or as the Manila Times would rather banner, “11.2 million families remain poor.”

Twitter Limit
Twitter plans to allow longer tweets of up to 10,000 characters. The Binays are against the idea.

Reports say Twitter is planning to allow longer tweets of up to 10,000 characters – fueling rumors Twitter is planning to change its name to ‘Facebook.’

Reports say Twitter plans to allow longer tweets of up to 10,000 characters. Manny Pacquiao will soon be tweeting the four Gospels in full.

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Last
For the third time, Manny Pacquiao is fighting Timothy Bradley. The Sarangani representative says the scheduled April 9 bout will not affect his work as a legislator. What work?

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Denied
The Sandiganbayan has junked detained senator Jinggoy Estrada’s petition for bail. Bong Revilla is asking Lani Mercado, his kids, and their supporters to pray harder.

Lucky
According to a feng shui expert, the luckiest animal signs this year are Rabbit, Snake and Rooster. The not-so-lucky are Tiger, Dog, and Jinggoy.
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“Happiness is not in the mere possession of money; it lies in the joy of achievement, in the thrill of creative effort.”
~Franklin D. Roosevelt

Sound Bites
“Wherefore, the motion for bail filed by… Estrada is denied after finding that the prosecution presented a strong evidence of guilt against him.”
~Sandiganbayan Fifth Division denying Jinggoy’s petition for bail

In Memoriam
German ‘Kuya Germs’ Moreno (1943-2016)
1KG

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: German Moreno: GMA News





HELLO 2016!

1 01 2016

1NY
HAPPY NEW YEAR! It’s 2016! This will be an amazing year, I promise. Kapag ‘di ito naging amazing, magpapasagasa ako sa tren kasama sina President Aquino at Sec. Jun Abaya.

2015 is over. Can someone please check if those two officials are still alive? Thank you.

1NY
Apparently, on April 4, 2013, in a campaign sortie of Team PNoy in Cavite, President Aquino vowed to complete the LRT Line 1 Project (Baclaran to Bacoor) by 2015. He added, “’Pag hindi ho nangyari ito, nand’yan ho si Secretary Abaya na nangangasiwa ng proyektong ito, dalawa na kaming magpapasagasa siguro sa train.” Of course, he was just joking. What he really wanted to say was, “’Pag hindi ho nangyari ito, nand’yan ho si Secretary Abaya. Magpapasagasa siya sa tren.“

Resolutions
People usually make resolutions before they ring in the new year. Some vow to lose weight. Others promise to quit smoking. President Aquino promises to stop making promises.

Hopeful
Eighty-nine percent of Filipinos say they are welcoming 2016 with hope according to a Pulse Asia survey. The remaining 11 percent have gotten tired of saying the same thing every year.

In the same survey, 1 in 10 Filipinos said they were not sure whether they would face the coming year with or without hope. Those Filipinos were identified as staunch Grace Poe supporters.

1NY
Missing Tayag
Curiously, the likeable, dance-loving Health Assistant Secretary Dr. Eric Tayag did not produce a dance video to promote the department’s 2015 Iwas-Paputok campaign. In other news, the number of firecracker-related injuries this year is at an all-time low. Thank you Dr. Tayag for making a sacrifice!

Goodbye Philippines
In 2014, a drunk man identified as Ronald Vericio of Sta. Mesa, Manila reportedly tried to lie on a lit ‘Sinturon ni Hudas.’ He survived. Last night, New Year’s Eve, Vericio blew himself up by hugging a lit bomb-like firecracker called ‘Goodbye Philippines.’ He wasn’t as lucky this time. He died. A check on his high school year book revealed Vericio was voted by his classmates as “Most-likely to succeed as a suicide bomber.”

A drunk man died when he hugged a lit ‘Goodbye Philippines’ firecracker on New Year’s Eve. If it’s any consolation, he died doing what he loved most: hurting himself.

Ronald Vericio, a man from Manila died after hugging a lit ‘Goodbye Philippines’ firecracker. Before that, he has also tried to lie on a lit ‘Sinturon ni Hudas.’ Probers described Vericio as short, middle-aged, and clingy.

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The Priest
A priest in Biñan, Laguna was reportedly suspended after a video of him riding a “hoverboard” while officiating a Christmas Eve mass went viral. Fr. Albert San Jose has been ordered by his superiors to take a break from his duties. Nonetheless, Father San Jose vows to continue monitoring his parish using his newly-purchased drone.
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“Do not wait until the conditions are perfect to begin. Beginning makes the conditions perfect.”
~Alan Cohen

Sound Bites
“May we all be inspired by Dr. Jose Rizal’s courage and intelligence, his sense of duty, hunger for knowledge, passion for reform, and undying love of country.”
~President Aquino. 12.30.2015

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: New Year Wishes.Com; Aquino/Abaya: Rappler; Tayag:GMA Network]





FOR SALE: PINOY FIRECRACKERS

27 12 2015

HERE’S A GUIDE to some of the more popular firecrackers being sold in the Philippines. Buy at your own risk.


Noynoy Firecracker
Sobrang mabenta ang paputok na ito nang unang ilabas sa market ngunit unti-unting inayawan ng publiko. Marami pa namang natitirang loyal buyers ngunit talagang malaki na ang ibinaba ng popularidad nito. May kabagalan kasi kung pumutok at hindi mo maramdaman ang sinseridad ng dulot nitong kasiyahan.

Binay Firecracker
Paborito sa mga probinsya. Hindi masyadong mabenta sa National Capital Region dahil alam ng mga taga-Metro Manila ang pinsalang kaya nitong idulot kapag sinindihan.

Grace Poe Firecracker
Ang firecracker na pinulot matapos ang putukan. Hindi sigurado ang pumulot kung puputok pa ito o hindi na. Huwag masyadong umasa dahil baka hindi na umubra, masasaktan ka lang. Pero try mo ring sindihan. Baka naman puputok pa. Let’s see.

Mar Firecracker
Kahit anong patalastas pa ang ipalabas tungkol sa firecracker na ito, hirap na hirap siyang ibenta ng manufacturer. Kapag hindi pa rin siya nabenta for 2016, baka tuluyan nang itigil ang pagbebenta rito.

Duterte Firecracker
Babala: Nakamamatay. Mabenta sa masa dahil malakas ang putok nito. Walang sinisino; lahat puwedeng talsikan ng pulbura: lalaki, babae, bata, matanda, o kahit Santo Papa ka pa.

Martin Diño Firecracker
Sorry, hindi pala ito firecracker. Pulbura lang pala. Nagkamali ng label ang manufacturer.

Miriam Firercacker
Ang paputok na pinakamabenta online.

Enrile Firecracker
Isang lumang brand ng paputok na inalis sa market noong 2014 dahil sa matinding pinsalang naidulot sa publiko. Ngunit dahil sa husay ng advertising firm na kinuha ng manufacturers nito, matagumpay itong nakabalik sa merkado. Babala: may kakayahan pa rin itong magdulot ng pinsala. Maging alerto.

Jun Abaya Firecracker
Brutally honest ang nakasulat sa pakete ng paputok na ito: “Nakasusugat. Pero hindi fatal. Bili na!”

Bong and Jinggoy Firecrackers
Hindi na available sa publiko ang dalawang uri ng paputok na ito. Iniutos na rin ang pag-aalis sa market dahil sa dulot nilang perwisyo. However, umaasa ang manufacturers ng mga paputok na ito na muli silang maibebenta kapag nagbago ng policy ang susunod na administrasyon. [Huwag naman sana.]

Militanteng Firecracker
May iba’t ibang tunog na maririnig kapag sinindihan mo ang paputok na ito. Pwede kang pumili sa tatlong sounds na ito: (1) Tutulan! (2) Ibasura! at (3) Ibagsak! Delikado ito lalo na kung ang magsisindi ay Amerikano.

Nancy Binay Firecracker
Hanggang ngayon, marami pa rin ang nagtataka kung paano napunta sa market ang paputok na ito. Nakisakay kasi ang manufacturer nito sa popularidad ng isa pang brand. Kapag bumili ka ng isang Binay Firecracker, isang Nancy Firecracker ang free.

Francis Tolentino Firecracker
Ang nagsasayaw na firecracker. Ngunit nang makasakit, inilaglag siya ng sariling manufacturer. Pamilya at malalapit na kaibigan na lang ang nagma-market sa kanya.

Alma Moreno Firecracker
Nag-a-aspire na makilala bilang reliable na brand ng paputok. Ngunit nang sindihan, wala palang kakwenta-kwenta. Walang spark, walang sound, puro usok.

Leni Robredo Firecracker
Isa sa pinakabagong brands ng paputok. Hindi pa masyadong kilala sa mga probinsya kaya mahina pa ang benta.

Marcos Firecracker
Ito naman ang isa sa pinakalumang brands. Marami nang nasugatan at namatay dahil sa firecracker na ito ngunit hanggang ngayon, ayaw pa ring mag-apologize ng manufacturer. Tuloy ang pagkamal ng kita.

INC Firecracker
Wala kang choice. Whether you like it or not, required kang bumili ng firecracker na ito.

Pia Wurtzbach Firecracker
Sa unang minuto matapos sindihan, wala pa itong reaksyon, iisipin mong palyado. After a while though, magsasabog na ito ng makulay at maliwanag na spark sa buong universe.

#AlDub Firecracker
Biglang sulpot sa market. Kinagat ng publiko. Inilampaso ang pinakamalakas na rival brand.

Kris Aquino Firecracker
Sinindihan mo siya, sumabog, nasira, pero natalsikan ka at nasugatan. Quits lang! Aha-ha-ha! Love! Love! Love!
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“Tomorrow, is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one.”
~Brad Paisley

Happy New Year!

Sound Bites
“One always knew that with her, the truth was the benchmark of a journalist’s efforts; and that in all that she did, there was no higher cause than the country’s welfare and that of our people.”
~President Aquino on Inquirer Editor-in-Chief Letty Jimenez-Magsanoc who passed away on Christmas Eve

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





THE PRESIDENT’S CHRISTMAS MESSAGE

24 12 2015

Christmas Message
of
His Excellency Benigno S. Aquino III
President of the Philippines
[Taped last December 20, 2015 at the Rizal Ceremonial Hall, Malacañan Palace]

seal2

Mga minamahal kong kababayan,

Kaisa n’yo po ako at ang aking Gabinete gayundin ang mga lingkod-bayan sa ating pamahalaan sa pagdiriwang ng Kapaskuhan.

Marami tayong pinagdaanan ngayong 2015 (lalo na ako) ngunit sa tulong ng Panginoon ay nalampasan nating lahat ang mga ito.

Ang kwento ng Pasko at ni Hesukristo ay hindi nalalayo sa karanasan nating mga Pilipino.

Iniutos ni Herodes ang pagpaslang sa mga inosente upang walang maging balakid sa kanyang maitim na balak. Halos ganito rin ang naganap sa Mamasapano noong Enero.

Sa isang sabsaban isinilang si Hesus ngunit mapalad pa rin siya dahil nakilala niya ang kanyang ina at ang kinalakhan niyang amang si Jose. Malinaw ring sa Betlehem siya ipinanganak. Tumakbo man siya sa pagkapangulo, walang puwedeng tumutol o humadlang. Ewan ko lang ang iba d’yan.

Mula pagsilang, namuhay nang payak si Hesus. Hanggang sa mamatay ay wala itong maituturing na materyal na yaman. Hindi katulad ng iba d’yan na habambuhay na sa puwesto kaya’t limpak-limpak ang naibulsa. Ang masamang gawain nila ay ipinagpapatuloy pa ng mga miyembro ng kanilang pamilya. Ang kakapal ng mukha.

Ang mga nagkakasala ay pinapatawad ni Hesus at binibigyan ng pagkakataong magbago. Pero sa lipunan natin ngayon, pinapanigan pa ng ilan ang mga lider na nagsusulong sa extrajudicial killing. Hindi ka pa man napapatunayang nagkasala, pinapatay ka na. Taliwas ito sa turo ni Hesus.

index

Si Hesus ay isa sa atin. Mababa ang loob niya at hindi mayabang. Wala siyang ipinagmamalaking diploma mula sa mga prestihiyosong unibersidad. Kailanman ay hindi niya ipinagyabang ang kanyang IQ. Kung nabubuhay siya ngayon, tiyak kong mas marami ang kanyang online followers kumpara sa isang kandidato sa pagkapangulo.

Ngayong Pasko, marapat lamang nating isabuhay at pahalagahan ang mga nagawa ni Hesus.

Sa huli, samahan n’yo po ako sa isang panalangin dahil hindi po nakakatuwa ang resulta ng latest surveys.

Nawa’y ang mga taong nasa panig ng kadiliman ay magising sa katotohanang hindi kailanman magtatagumpay ang kasamaan. To quote John 8:12 , “And Jesus said, I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.’

Mar my words! Mangingibabaw pa rin sa huli ang Tuwid na Daan.

Isang maligayang Pasko at masaganang bagong taon po sa inyong lahat!

Sumasainyo,
Benigno Simeon C. Aquino III





MISS UNIVERSE 2015 (Tamang Panahon)

22 12 2015

1PIA
AFTER 42 long years – and 42 seconds, the country has won the prestigious Miss Universe title again. Pia Alonzo Wurtzbach is the new queen. Since President Aquino assumed office in 2010, the country’s delegates to the Miss Universe pageant have consistently made it to the Top 5 or Top 10: Venus Raj, Shamcey Supsup, Janine Tugonon, Ariella Arida, MJ Lastimosa, and now, Pia Wurtzbach. President Aquino’s “record” is phenomenal. The next president has some big eyes to fill.

Reports say Vice President Binay described Pia Wurtzbach as “world class” – prompting Senators Trillanes and Alan Peter Cayetano to believe rumors that Pia’s long gown, shoes, and jewelry were overpriced.

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For committing a huge mistake, pageant host Steve Harvey immediately apologized and took full responsibility for the mistake. As for the Marcoses…

Miss Universe 2015 Pia Wurtzbach was actually born in Germany. In other news, Rizalito David has started doing a background check on Wurtzbach.

The Top 5 finalists were grilled on significant issues such as drug abuse, gun control, military bases, medical marijuana, and terrorism – in the pageant’s Question and Answer portion. Or as Alma Moreno calls it, “my worst nightmare.”

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When asked about the presence of US military bases in the country, Miss Philippines mentioned something about the good relations between the two nations and added, “I don’t see any problem with that at all.” According to reports, leftists were not pleased with Pia’s answer. Netizens say the reaction wasn’t surprising at all since leftists are not pleased with almost anything anyway.

Miss Colombia, Ariadna Arevalo Gutierrez, was asked: Drug abuse continues to be one of the world’s most serious social problems. What do you think is the best way to handle this issue? She answered: education in our homes. As expected, Mayor Duterte disagreed.

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In the last round of competition, the Top 3 candidates, USA, Colombia, and the Philippines were asked the same question: Why should you be the next Miss Universe? Some Filipino politicians sent us the following answers:

Grace Poe: Ipagpapatuloy ko po ang nasimulan nina Gloria Diaz at Margie Moran.

Vice President Binay: Matagal ko na itong inaasam at pinaghahandaan. Sa mga candidates, ako rin ang may pinakamalawak na karanasan sa ganitong contest. Huwag kayong maniniwala sa mga basher. Wala akong ninakaw o itinagong make-up kit at sapatos ng ibang candidate. Paninira lang ang mga ‘yan.

Mar Roxas: Kapag nasagot ko nang maayos ang tanong na ‘to, sasampalin kita. Kung hindi, sampalin mo ako.

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago: I believe that I have the support of the online community. Internet votes will propel me to victory. Besides, I am superior to all the other candidates – intellectually. I’ll definitely nail this question and answer portion.

Mayor Duterte: Wala akong pakialam kung manalo man ako o matalo. ‘Tang-i*a, pageant lang ‘yan!

Alma Moreno: Huh? Kailangan pa ba talagang itanong ‘yan?

New Leader
It has been announced that Vice President Binay topped the latest Pulse Asia survey on preferred candidates for president. Critics are hoping Steve Harvey was the one who made the announcement.

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Reality Bites
Earlier this year, President Aquino went out on a date with Pia Wurtzbach. And that was it. The other day, Kris Aquino told some reporters, “I don’t think she liked Noy.” I don’t think we should be surprised at all.
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“I wanna show the universe that I am confidently beautiful with a heart.”
~Miss Universe 2015 Pia Wurtzbach

Sound Bites
“I don’t want to run for the Senate because I can’t answer the questions you asked Alma Moreno.”
~Annabelle Rama to Karen Davila

Burn!
One of the most RTd Miss Universe-related tweets was posted by singer-comedienne Ethel Booba, a response to Bayan Muna’s Teddy Casiño’s reaction to Pia’s answer in the Q&A round
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Congratulations Philippines! Finally!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: MissUniverse.com, Pia Wurtzbach:IG]





DOUBLE DARE

17 12 2015

1MD
Daring
Liberal Party candidate Mar Roxas has challenged Mayor Rodrigo Duterte to a fist fight. Earlier this week, Roxas has also dared Duterte to slap him. Many people seem to be surprised at how the LP bet has been behaving lately. They say Mar  has exposed his other side to the public – tough, daring, brave, fearless – for the first time. Which is completely false and unfair since he first showed those qualities to us the day he married Korina Sanchez.

Appeal
In the spirit of Christmas, Nancy Binay has appealed to both Mayor Rodrigo Duterte and Mar Roxas to stop bashing each other. Nancy’s call for peace has impressed her critics, and upset his father.

The Presidency
A new study has revealed that leading a country shaves three years off a politician’s life expectancy. In totally unrelated news, netizens have just launched the Jinggoy Estrada and Bong Revilla for President Movement.

1AlmaPic6
Alma Matters?
In 2016, only the Top 12 candidates for senator will get Senate seats. In the latest Pulse Asia survey, actress-politician Alma Moreno managed to place 20th only. Alma was still thankful to her supporters – while netizens were thankful to Karen Davila.

Pacquiao
According to the same survey, Manny Pacquiao, the Lower House’s top absentee has made it to the Magic 12. In fact, Pacquiao was in 7th to 10th place. Which begs the question, when will Karen Davila invite him as guest?

Cocktale
A Saudi millionaire was cleared of raping an 18-year-old girl, when the judge accepted his alibi that he accidentally tripped and fell on her: his erect penis penetrating her vagina in the process. The millionaire is now a free man and the judge who freed him is now a millionaire.

Simbang Tabi
The CBCP reminded couples, especially those in girlfriend-boyfriend relationships that “Simbang Gabi is for worship, not for courtship.” In response, Catholic teenage lovers who are regular attendees of Simbang Gabi say they will heed the CBCP’s advice. No more Simbang Gabi for them; somewhere else instead.

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Most Searched
According to Google Philippines, “AlDub” was the “most searched” term for 2015. Which was a bit ironic because the one that’s actually lost was “Showtime.”
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“The best thing about this group of candidates is that only one of them can win.”
~Will Rogers

Sound Bites
“Pag-magkita kami sa isang kanto dito sa kampanya, sampalin ko yang gagong yan.”
~Mayor Rodrigo Duterte reacting to Mar Roxas’s claim that Davao City has the fourth highest number of crime incidents among Philippine cities in 2014

“Gawin mo na lang kung anong gusto mong gawin. At sampalan? Bakit pa sampalan, pambabae ‘yan, suntukan na lang? ‘Di ba?”
~Mar Roxas to Mayor Duterte

Have a greet weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Roxas/Duterte: Inquirer.net; Alma Moreno: ANC ; AlDub: PEP]





THE JOB INTERVIEW (Awkwaaard!)

11 12 2015

1DuterteCay
Leading
In a recent survey commissioned by a Davao-based businessman, Social Weather Stations asked the respondents: “Kasama dito si Rodrigo Duterte bilang isang substitute candidate. Sino po ang malamang ninyong iboboto bilang PRESIDENTE NG PILIPINAS, kung ang eleksyon ay gaganapin ngayon?” Results showed Mayor Duterte was leading. Very much like the survey question.

Solution
Mayor Rodrigo Duterte says to rid the country of corruption and felony, five criminals must be killed every week. If strictly followed, it would still take 65 days to totally wipe out Congress.

Wrong Number
Davao City Mayor Rodrigo Duterte has denied rumors he had killed 700 people. During an ambush interview, the presidential aspirant clarified he killed “around 1,700” – the same number of jokes that have come out of his mouth since he declared his bid for the presidency.

Curfew
If elected president, Mayor Rodrigo Duterte will impose a 1 AM curfew for commercial establishments in the National Capital Region. In other news, the results of the latest NCR survey are out. From first place in November, Duterte has now dropped to fourth.

Job Interview
They say running for president is like applying for a job. Here’s what could happen if we interview them.

Applicant: Jejomar Binay
Boss (Filipinos): Where do you see yourself in five years?

Binay: In a house.

Boss: Vacation?

Binay: House arrest.

Applicant: Rodrigo Duterte
Boss: Why should we hire you?

*Duterte pulls out a gun*

Boss: When do you wanna start?

Applicant: Grace Poe
Boss: What are your weaknesses?

Poe: Numbers.

Boss: Math?

Poe: No. Counting, especially months and years.

Applicant: Mar Roxas
Boss: What are your salary requirements?

Mar: Salary? Ha-ha-ha! SALARY!? Bwa-ha-ha!

Boss:

Mar: Sorry. Natawa talaga ako. Mapera na ako. I just wanna win.

Applicant: Grace Poe
Boss: Are you a leader or a follower?

Poe: I’m an American.

Boss:

Poe: Just kidding! I got you there. Ha-ha-ha! Biro lang.

Applicant: Jejomar Binay
Boss: What did you like least about your last job?

Binay: Ahmmm… the City Hall 2 parking.

Boss:

Binay: And my vice mayor too.

Applicant: Rodrigo Duterte
Boss: Why do you want this job?

Duterte: I don’t! Napilitan lang talaga.

Boss:

Duterte: O, ba’t ganyan ka tumingin? ‘Yan ang totoo eh. Anong magagawa ko?! Pisti!

Applicant: Jejomar Binay
Boss: Have you ever been fired from a job?

Binay: May tsismis pa lang. Baka raw sa February. ‘Di ko pa sure. Let’s see.

Applicant: Mar Roxas
Boss: How would you deal with an angry or irate customer?

Mar: No. The question should be: How would you deal with an angry or irate me?

Boss:

Mar: Seryoso! Nagmumura ako ‘pag galit.

Applicant: Grace Poe
Boss: Where were you born?

Poe:

Boss: Awkwaaaaard. Sorry. Let me rephrase the question.

Applicant: Mayor Duterte
Boss: How would you fire someone?

Duterte:

Boss: Awkwaaaard! Let me rephrase the question again.

Applicant: Mar Roxas
Boss: Aside from your wife, what is your biggest weakness?

Mar:

Boss: Awkwaaaard! Sorry. Let me reph

Mar: Don’t. Actually, s’ya talaga.

Applicant: Jejomar Binay
Boss: To answer your question, no, you don’t call us. We will call you.

Binay: Kesyo ba pandak, nognog, mahirap… hindi na matatanggap?

Boss: Oo. Gano’n na nga.

Binay:

Boss: Awkwaaaaard! Joke lang.

1DT
Trump
Republican candidate Donald Trump wants to ban Muslims from entering the United States. The outspoken businessman has been attacking Muslims recently. He’s got some really harsh words for them – fueling speculations he was molested by an imam when he was a freshman high school.

Businessman and potential Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has proposed to ban all Muslims from entering the United States. In response, Muslims have proposed to ban assholes from entering the presidential elections.
———————————————————————————————————-
“Neither a man nor a crowd nor a nation can be trusted to act humanely or to think sanely under the influence of a great fear.”
~ Bertrand Russell, Unpopular Essays

Sound Bites
“Ang gobyerno o ang mga tao na umaabuso sa mga karapatang pantao ay lumalabag sa International Human Rights at walang karapatang mamuno sa ating bansa.”
~Sen. Grace Poe

Uphold the law.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Poe/Roxas/Binay: Inquirer.net; Duterte/Cayetano: GMA Network; Donald Trump: Business Insider]





DQ

5 12 2015

1Trio
SENATOR GRACE POE has been disqualified by the Commission on Elections. And she has to hurdle three more disqualification cases. Continuing what FPJ has started indeed.

Comelec’s Second Division has disqualified Grace Poe from running for president in next year’s elections. Or as some LP stalwarts would say, “One down, two to go.”

Sen. Grace Poe believes her two fiercest foes were behind the disqualification cases filed against her. Mar Roxas has already denied the allegation while Sheryl Cruz has refused to comment.

According to the Comelec’s Second Division, Grace Poe made false claims about her period of residency in the country when she filed her COC for president. In other words, she lied – further fueling speculations that Grace Poe and Bongbong Marcos are siblings because, you know, as Susan Roces once said, “Ang sinungaling ay kapatid ng… “

Christmas Rush
It was hellish on EDSA last Friday, December 4. Traffic was so horrendous motorists were heard cursing Pope Francis.

Confessions
A confessed womanizer, presidential aspirant Rodrigo Duterte says he’s got two wives and two girlfriends. In the words of Joseph Estrada, “a saint.”

1Trio.jpg1rd
PI 100
Slammed for cursing Pope Francis, presidential aspirant Rodrigo Duterte vows to never swear in public again. He promises to donate 1000 pesos to the Caritas Davao Foundation everytime he would be caught swearing. In a statement, officers of the foundation said, “It’s normal for humans to curse. Go ahead, Mayor! Express yourself.”

Free Wi-Fi
If elected president, Vice President Binay vows free wi-fi access nationwide. Aside from free wi-fi, Binay also promises free Jinggoy, free Bong, free GMA, and free Enrile.

Texting
On Dec. 3, 1992, the first ever text message was sent. It was “Merry Christmas.” The sender then received the first ever text-reply: “Hu u?”

New Year
According to the Chineze zodiac, 2016 will be the Year of the Monkey. It’s also an election year. Coincidence?
———————————————————————————————————————————————
“Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as dangerous. In war you can only be killed once, but in politics many times.”
~Winston Churchill

Sound Bites
“‘Di ba parang masakit sa kalooban mong mananalo ang team mo by default? Parang basketball lang. Ay, nanalo ang barangay natin! Eh kasi hindi sumipot ‘yong kabilang team.”
~Sen. Grace Poe on her disqualification

Be honest.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Poe/Mar/Binay: Inquirer.Net; Duterte: Online]





KOBE!

1 12 2015

1Kobe
KOBE BRYANT, one the best, if not the best player of his generation will officially retire after the current season. When asked about the likelihood of him changing his decision, the five-time NBA champion said, “I’m Kobe Bryant NOT Rodrigo Duterte.”

As a multiple NBA champion, Kobe Bryant has five rings. That’s one less than Michael Jordan but one more than what Mayor Duterte has given his girlfriends.

1Kobe
In the Lakers’ storied franchise, Kobe Bryant leads in most statistical categories. He’s the leader in games and minutes played, field goals, 3-point attempts, free throws, and even missed shots. Also… it is Kobe, not Jejomar Binay as rumored earlier, who leads in steals.

Kobe Bryant is leaving the NBA. His official announcement was in the form of a poem titled, “Dear Basketball.” It was all about letting go. Coincidentally, the Binays are reportedly making an announcement soon too in the form of a poem titled, “Dear Makati City Hall.”

Kobe Bryant has decided to retire from the NBA. Basketball fans took to social media to share their thoughts on Kobe’s decision. In the Philippines, some politicians also reacted to the news. A congressman said he’s proud of his “idol.” A senator tweeted he’s proud of his “all-time favorite!” And Sen. Grace Poe said she’ll always be proud of her “kababayan.”

In 1996 at age 17, Kobe Bryant was drafted in the NBA by the Charlotte Hornets but was immediately traded to the Los Angeles Lakers. Kobe stayed with LA his entire career. Win or lose, he never switched teams; he never jumped ship. The term for it is “loyalty.” Or as LP members would say, “What’s that?”

In the first round of the 1996 NBA Rookie Draft, Kobe Bryant was not even Charlotte’s first, second, or third choice. He was the Leni Robredo of that round.

1Kobe
Kobe, Basketball and Philippine Politics
At a young age, Kobe was “given away” by his original team. Like Grace Poe.
He derives pleasure from shooting. Like Duterte.
He is a polarizing figure. Like Mar.
He assists. Like Binay.
He steals. Like Binay.
He fadesaway. Like Miriam.
—————————————————————————————————————————————-
“The final proof of greatness lies in being able to endure criticism without resentment.”
~Elbert Hubbard

The Aspirants
Aspirants for president were asked, “Sakaling mahalal ka sa 2016, patatalo ka ba sa tukso at magbubulsa ng pondo ng bayan?” Grace Poe said, “Never.” Mar Roxas answered, “Nope.” Miriam replied, “Naaah.” Duterte retorted, “No way.” Binay answered, “Not again.”

Sound Bites
“My heart can take the pounding
My mind can handle the grind
But my body knows it’s time to say goodbye.”
~Kobe Bryant, 11.29.2015

“He had just an amazing career, a guy who changed the game for me as a player mentally and physically. Means so much to the game of basketball. Somebody I’m always going to look to for advice, for help, for anything. Just a brilliant, brilliant, intelligent man. And it’s sad to see him go.”
~Kevin Durant on Kobe Bryant

1Duterte
“From the hotel to the airport, limang oras. Sabi ko, ‘Bakit? Sinong darating?’ Sabi, si Pope. Gusto kong tawagan, ‘Pope, putang-ina mo. Umuwi ka na!’”
~Mayor Duterte talking about his experience during the Papal Visit

Thank you Kobe!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Dear Basketball: The Players Tribune.com; Kobe: Slam Online; Duterte: Inquirer.net]





DUTERTE, CONCUBINAGE, AND OTHER STORIES

27 11 2015

1DIONG
DAVAO CITY MAYOR Rodrigo Duterte topped the latest Pulse Asia survey on preferred candidates for president in the National Capital Region. The poll was conducted even before the tough-talking mayor officially declared his intention to run. He’s killing it!

Here’s the copy of the questionnaire used in the NCR survey.

Pulse Asia
Third Quarter Survey
National Capital Region

SINO ANG IBOBOTO mo sa pagkapangulo sa 2016? Magpasya habang binabasa ang sumusunod na tanong.

1: Araw ng eleksyon. Patungo ka sa presinto para bumoto, sakay ng jeep, nang biglang may magdeklara ng holdup. Sino ang iboboto mo sa 2016?
_ Binay
_ Duterte
_ Poe
_ Roxas
_ Santiago

2. ‘Yong ex mong guwapo, addict na ngayon. Grabe kasi ang bentahan ng drugs sa kanilang lugar. Sino ang iboboto mo sa 2016?
_ Binay
_ Duterte
_ Poe
_ Roxas
_ Santiago

3: Inutang lang ng iyong nanay ang ibinili n’yo ng bigas. Matapos isaing, peke pala ang nabili mong bigas. Malamang, smuggled! Sino ang iboboto mo sa 2016?
_ Binay
_ Duterte
_ Poe
_ Roxas
_ Santiago

4: May asthma ka. Tahimik kang nagbabasa sa isang pampublikong park nang may maupo sa tabi mo. Grabe kung manigarilyo ang damuho. Daig pa ang tambutso. Eh malinaw naman ang nakasulat sa karatula: No Smoking. Sino ang iboboto mo sa 2016?
_ Binay
_ Duterte
_ Poe
_ Roxas
_ Santiago

5: Na-late ka sa iyong trabaho. Grabe kasi ang traffic dahil sa mga motoristang walang disiplina. Ang dami pa ring bus driver na nagbababa ng pasahero sa gitna ng EDSA. Sino ang iboboto mo sa 2016?
_ Binay
_ Duterte
_ Poe
_ Roxas
_ Santiago

Maraming salamat sa paglahok sa survey na ito. Makakaasa kang mabibilang ang iyong boto. Ingat sa pag-uwi. Paalala: ‘Wag kang basta-basta maglalabas ng cellphone, baka ma-snatch. Sino nga palang iboboto mo sa 2016?

—Nothing follows—

1DIONGConcubinage
Judy Amante, wife of Agusan Del Sur Rep. Erlpe John Amante has filed concubinage charges against the congressman and his alleged mistress, Katrina Mortola. Congressman Amante has refused to be interviewed by the media. He was last seen leaving his home in Cabadbaran City waving goodbye to his kids, his maids, and his political career.

Disaster-Prone
According to a study conducted by the UN Office for Disaster Risk Reduction (UNDRR), the Philippines is the fourth most disaster-prone country in the world. The study covered weather-related disasters only. We would have ranked higher if the study also covered government and politics.

1DIONG
Vandolph
Reacting to his mom’s interview on ANC’s Headstart recently, actor Vandolph Quizon said TV host Karen Davila humiliated his mom on national TV. Vandolph just proved that he is indeed Dolphy’s son. He’s so funny.

According to Vandolph, ANC host Karen Davila humiliated his mom on national TV. That’s nothing Vandolph. Wait ’til thinking Filipino voters humiliate your mom in the national elections.

Vandolph explained that Karen Davila should have respected Alma because she’s the “chairman of the Philippine Councilors League” for years. In response, Davila said Alma should have respected the Senate because the institution has been there for decades.
—————————————————————————————————————————————
“Dictators long ago found that it is easier to unite people in common hatred than in common love.”
~Dagobert Runes, A Dictionary of Thought

2016 Elections
A natural-born Filipino
A non-natural-born Filipino
A natural-born thief
A natural stubborn
A natural-born killer

Sound Bites
“If I become president, I advise you people to put up several funeral parlor businesses because I am against illegal drugs… I might kill someone because of it.”
~Davao City Mayor Rodrigo Duterte

Elsewhere
Is a benevolent dictatorship possible?
“People don’t have to be killed; they just have to be held accountable. After all, righting the ship requires the choice of everyone on board, not the fear that the captain might kill you. You can obey traffic rules to avoid imprisonment or you can just obey traffic rules because that’s what non-a-holes do in a civilized society. You can refrain from stealing taxpayer’s money in fear of being executed by the ruler of the land or you can just stop doing that because people’s lives are actually at stake.”

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte: Philstar.Com; Amante: Congress.ph; Vandolph: ABSCBNPR]





QUITS!

22 11 2015

1
DAVAO CITY MAYOR Rodrigo Duterte is reportedly running for president. At press time.

Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano will be the running mate of Mayor Rodrigo Duterte. Reports say Cayetano is very happy with Duterte’s decision to seek the presidency. Enjoy it Senator… while it lasts.

1
Even Now
Showing a photo of her sunburnt skin on Instagram, presidential sister Kris Aquino called it “quits” with thousands of commuters who were forced to walk several kilometers because of road closures during the APEC Summit last week. Netizens described Aquino’s post as “callous.” Critics said it was “insensitive.” President Aquino said, “Kapatid nga kita!”

Some of her Instagram followers reacted negatively to her “quits na tayo” post. But Kris was unstoppable. To one follower, she replied, “Try walking on cobblestones in 5-inch heels.” In heaven, Cory and Ninoy were summoned to the principal’s office.

Kris Aquino’s Instagram post has been described as “insentive” by a number of netizens. To give you an idea of how insensitive it was, even Secretary Jun Abaya was offended.

1
On Saturday morning, Kris Aquino posted an apology on Instagram in which she promised, “In the future, I will leave the joking to Vice Ganda.” I don’t think that’s a good idea.

Top 5 Predicted “Quits Na Tayo” Statements of Kris Aquino

No. 5: “Nakakaloka ‘yong bagong pair ng Manolo Blahnik na nabili ko last week. Now ko lang kasi ulit na-try. Ang sikip pala. O, sa mga sumasakay sa MRT, quits na tayo huh! Aha-ha-ha!”

No. 4: “Minsan talaga, importanteng may lalaki sa bahay ‘no? One morning kasi, si Yaya lang ang tao sa bahay. Eh nagbara ‘yong lababo sa kitchen. Umapaw ang tubig! Kaloka! Muntik nang bumaha. Buti na lang naayos. Pero for a second, feeling ko taga-Camanava ako. ‘Di ba laging baha do’n? So quits na tayo!”

No. 3: “Sad to say, hindi nga masyadong kumita ang latest movie ko, ‘yong ‘Etiquette for Mistresses.’ Pero dahil mabait ang mga boss, nagbigay pa rin ng bonus na 1 million. Maliit ba? I know, right. Na-realize ko tuloy, ganito siguro ang nararamdaman ng mga ordinary employees na maliit lang ang nakukuhang bonus. ‘Di bale guys, maliit din ang nakuha ko. Quits na tayo.”

No. 2: “Something funny happened last night habang magkatabi sina Bimb at Kuya sa bed. Bigla ba namang nag-fart si Bimb! Aha-ha-ha! Gosh! It was so baho talaga! Eh naka-Martha Stewart blanket kaming tatlo so hindi nakasingaw ‘yong bad smell. Naka-relate tuloy ako sa scavengers na nagkakalkal ng basura sa Payatas. Quits na tayo guys.”

And the No. 1 predicted “Quits na tayo” statement of Kris Aquino…

“Last night, I had to rush home from my taping ‘coz I was so gutom and I was thinking of this slice of blueberry cheesecake sa fridge. When I reached the gate, hindi ko kinaya ang eksena. ‘Yong last slice of blueberry cheesecake, ipinapakain ni Yaya sa puppy ng kapitbahay! I died! I swear. Kaya sa mga nagugutom na Filipinos, I know how you feel. Quits na tayo.”

In Defense Of
In the wake of Alma Moreno’s disastrous TV interview recently, Vice President Binay said candidates like Alma must always be ready for media interviews. But Binay insisted netizens should have not bashed her. Dear Mr. Vice President, we didn’t bash her. We described her.
——————————————————————————————————————————————
“Your perspective on life comes from the cage you were held captive in.”
~Shannon L. Alder

Sound Bites
“I cannot accept an American President. Show me your real mother and I will even campaign for you.”
~Mayor Duterte on Sen. Grace Poe

Be sensitive! Have a great week ahead!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte/Cayetano: Inquirer.net; Kris Aquino’s Instagram posts]





ALMA MORENO, WITH RESERVATIONS

17 11 2015

1AlmaPic4
GOING VIRAL right now is Karen Davila’s one-on-one interview with actress-turned-politician Alma Moreno who is seeking a Senate seat under Binay’s United Nationalist Alliance (UNA). Moreno appeared on ANC’s Headstart last week. Apparently, Moreno wasn’t informed that her interview was part of Headstart’s election series called “How To Turn Off Voters in 30 Minutes or Less.”

Remember those Alma Moreno jokes from the ‘90s? Obviously, she reserved the biggest joke of them all for 2016: her Senate bid.

In deciding whether she’d run for senator or not, Alma Moreno said she asked God for a sign. To her surprise, Vice President Binay suddenly called and offered her a slot in UNA’s Senate slate. Moreno believed that was “the sign.” God was quick to deny though that it came from Him.

Alma Moreno was unprepared for the interview. She failed to give sensible answers when asked about the Reproductive Health Law, LGBT and discrimination issues. As a result, she was lambasted by people on social media. Even worse, one of those people was Lito Lapid.

1AlmaPic3
UNEDITED: Alma Moreno Part II
Here is the second part of Karen Davila’s exclusive interview with Alma Moreno on Headstart. Due to time constraints, ANC did not air this portion.

Alma, let’s discuss something else naman.

Naku, pinapakaba mo naman ako. Puwede bang mag-Tagalog na lang tayo para maintindihan tayo sa grassroots level?

I noticed na favorite mo ang term na grassroots. Kanina ka pa grassroots nang grassroots. For the sake of our televiewers, ano ba ang grassroots?

Constituents na lang. Ayan, mas simple. Para maintindihan tayo ng aking constituents.

Noong 1990s, kumalat ang  “Alma Moreno jokes.” Isa na rito ‘yong pag-order mo raw ng hamburger sa isang fast food. Nang tanungin ka ng crew kung “for dine-in or for take-out,” ang sagot mo raw, “No! It’s for Vandolf.” Totoo ba ‘yun?

Ngayon ko lang ito aaminin Karen. That’s true! Kasi nga hiwalay na kami ni Dolphy noong time na ‘yon. Eh hindi naman ako mahilig sa burger. So, nagsabi ako ng totoo. For Vandolf talaga ‘yon.

Kanina, tinanong kita about the RH Law, LGBT, political dynasty at iba pang national issues. Iwan muna natin ang mga ‘yan. Tatanungin na lang kita ng funny Rejected UPCAT Questions na nagkalat ngayon sa Internet. Familiar ka ba sa UPCAT?

Hindi eh. Sorry huh. Hindi talaga ako mahilig sa pusa. Kung aso siguro baka may alam pa ako.

1AlmaPic5
Anyway, heto ang una kong tanong: Kapag ang buntis ba ay piniktyuran, makukunan?

Alam mo Karen, ang advocacy ko ay may kinalaman sa kababaihan kaya sakto ang tanong mo. Siguro, para makunan nang maayos ‘yong buntis, dapat laging bukas ang ilaw.

Kung isa lang ang anak mong lalaki, ano ang mas pipiliin mo paglaki niya: maging bakla o maging addict?

Grabe ka naman Karen, pinapahirapan mo ako. Siyempre, mas pipiliin kong

Kumusta na nga pala ang panganay mong si Mark Anthony?

Hay naku! Alam ko na kung saan papunta ang tanong mo. Inuunahan na kita! Hindi bakla si Mark!

So going back to the question…

Mas ok sigurong maging addict na lang. Kasi ang addict, ‘pag nag-asawa, ok lang. Pero ang bakla, pag-nag-asawa, it’s a sin.

Nasa grade school pa lang tayo Alma, itinuturo na sa atin ang evolution. Ang tanong ko: kung totoong nag-evolve mula sa unggoy ang tao, bakit may mukhang kabayo?

May reservations ako d’yan.

Expound.

Teka, kailangan ko bang sagutin ‘yan?

Of course! You are running for senator!

1AlmaPic6
Unang-una, Roman Catholic ako. Mas naniniwala ako sa creation kaysa sa evolution. Pero depende rin kasi sa tao ‘yan. May taong nagmula sa evolution at may taong nagmula sa creation.

Talaga? Sige, I’ll mention some names. Sabihin mo kung produkto sila ng evolution o creation. Una, President Aquino.

Creation siguro. Religious si Tita Cory eh.

Mar Roxas.

Creation din ‘yan.

Grace Poe.

Naku! Mahirap sagutin ‘yan kasi kailangan muna ng DNA test.

Ano ba ‘yong DNA? What does DNA stand for?

Dugo na nga lang! Kailangan ng dugo para ma-match sa dugo niya.

Jon Snow.

Sino ‘yon?!?

Vice President Binay.

Pwedeng mag-pass?

Hindi! Creation o evolution?

Right now kasi, may allegations na evolution. Pero allegations pa lang ‘yon. Mas ok siguro kung husgado na lang ang magpasya.

Lastly: Albay Govenor Joey Salceda.

Alam mo Karen, mabait at masipag ‘yang si Gob. Siguro, creation ‘yan – with reservations.

1AlmaPic2
Malamang, kapag na-upload ‘tong interview na ito sa YouTube, pag-uusapan ka ng mga tao. ‘Di natin maiiwasang may mam-bash. In case lang na maging viral, ano ang mararamdaman mo?

Siyempre, masama! Iba kasing umatake ang virus. Siguro, iinom na lang ako ng Berocca at maraming tubig. Siyempre, samahan mo na rin ng prayers. Importante talaga ang dasal.

Maraming nagtatanong: bakit hindi ka muna mag-congresswoman o kaya mag-mayor? Qualified ka raw bang humawak ng national post?

For your information Karen, mahaba-haba na rin ang experience ko bilang isang legislation. Masama bang mag-ambisyong maging isang Senate?

Huling tanong ko Alma: Kung ikaw ay isang ordinaryong voter at napanood mo ang interbyung ito, iboboto mo ba si Alma Moreno?

Honestly?

Hindi. Kung gusto mo, jokingly. Hehe #medyowaley Inuulit ko: kung ikaw ay isang voter at napanood mo ang interbyung ito, iboboto mo ba si Alma Moreno?

Feeling ko naman, tapat ang hangarin ni Alma. Sabi nga niya, naghintay siya ng sign mula kay Lord. Hindi naman siguro siya tatakbo kung wala siyang natanggap na sign.

So, iboboto mo ba si Alma Moreno?

Malamang!

Malamang na oo o malamang na hindi?

Ahm, oo naman.

Sure?

With reservations.
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“Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.”
~Plato

Sound Bites
“’Pag discrimination kasi, like, nakikita ko iba’t ibang klase ang discrimination ‘di ba? Sa kababaihan lang, ‘pag sinabihan kang bobo ka, discrimination ‘yon ‘di ba?”
~UNA senatorial aspirant Alma Moreno

#PrayForthe2016Elections

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Headstart/ANC Screencaps]





HAPPY BIRTHDAY VP (And other stories)

10 11 2015

1dswdiNTERAKSYON
The Poor
According to the Third Quarter survey of the Social Weather Stations, the number of poor Filipinos has dropped. In Manila alone, poor residents are now fewer. Thanks to the APEC summit.

1APEC
The Poor II
Some of the most powerful leaders from the world’s richest nations will converge in the country for the APEC Summit. Some reports have quoted DSWD Sec. Dinky Soliman as saying street-dwellers will take part in a “reach out” activity while the summit is ongoing. For street-dwellers who do not understand the term “reach out,” it’s simple: we welcome the rich, and you’re out.

1DanielMar
Demolition Job
Mar Roxas says the ‘tanim-bala’ issue may be part of a demolition job against the government. Allies believe it’s a plot to destroy the reputation of the administration. Which begs the question: Why the need for ‘tanim-bala’ when you already have people like DOTC Sec. Jun Abaya?

Binay’s Birthday
Vice President Binay marks his 73rd birthday on November 11. Rumors say his supporters organized a circus-themed party. There are clowns, jugglers, and contortionists. The Vice President has personally invited a magician. He’s hoping the magician can make his graft and plunder cases disappear.

1binayGMA
Top 10 Birthday Messages Left on Vice President Binay’s Answering Machine

No. 10: “Pare, kumusta? Si Erap ‘to. Happy 73rd birthday pare. Ang tanda mo na rin pala. Pero ‘wag kang mag-alala. FYI lang, sitenta’y otso na ako. Si Mareng Imelda, otsenta’y sais at si Manong Johnny, nubenta’y uno. May something in common tayong apat kaya sure ako pare, magtatagal ka pa.”

No. 9: “Mr. Vice President, si Sonny Trillanes nga pala ‘to. Sige… go ahead, magpakasaya ka! E-enjoy mo lang ang iyong last birthday – as a free man.”

No. 8: “Hello po Sir Binay! Kami ang pabebe girls at wala kaming pakialam kung birthday mo. Bye!”

No. 7: “Pare, si Gerry Limlingan ‘to. Magpa-Pasko na nagtatago pa rin kami ni Ebeng. ‘Tapos kayo, pa-party-party lang d’yan. Tang-i*a naman o.”

No. 6: “Hey Jojo! How are you doing? I heard it’s your birthday. Have a blast. See you around. By the way, Karma here.”

1Tetay
No. 5: “Hi Vice! Krissy here! Grabe, ano ‘tong nasagap kong tsismis na may bago ka na namang dyowa? ‘Kaw talaga – ‘di makuntento sa isa. Ikaw lang naman ang gumagastos. Nakakaloka ka. Ay, wait! Gosh, maling number pala ang na-dial ko. Sorry Manong Jojo.”

No. 4: “Hi Daddy! Si Junjun ‘to. Mali-late ako sa party. Anyway, kahit anong mangyari, ipagpapatuloy ko ang mga nasimulan mo. Naging mayor ka, naging mayor din ako. Naging VP ka, sana maging VP rin ako. Makukulong ka, malamang makukulong din ako. Idol! Happy birthday!”

No. 3: “Hello Mr. Vice President… this is Mar. Ang bilis talaga ng panahon. Birthday mo na naman. Almost exactly a year ago din, 37 percent pa ang rating mo at No. 1 ka sa SWS survey. Anyareh? Bye! #azarLang #PSYAnyarehsaRating #AlDubTheEndisNear #OTWOLGoodVibes #ZaynPleaseComeBack #AbayaDontResign”

No. 2: “Darling, si Ellen ‘to. Anong oras ka ba uuwi? Nagpadala ng dalawang birthday cake dito ang city hall: isang dark chocolate at isang black forest. Ipababalik ko ba? Nakakainsulto eh.

And the No. 1 message left on Vice President Binay’s answering machine…

“Happy birthday Manong Jojo! Si Noy ho ‘to! Marami na tayong pinagdaanan, at pagdadaanan pa. Kahit nasa kulungan ka na, sana hindi pa rin masira ang pagkakaibigan ng ating mga pamilya. Ang mahalaga, buhay ka pa naman ‘di ba?”
—————————————————————————————————————————
“But better to get hurt by the truth than comforted with a lie.”
~Khaled Hosseini

Sound Bites
“Bago tayo manibak, siguraduhin muna nating may ebidensya at tamang tao ang sisibakin. Mahirap ‘yong taga lang tayo nang taga ng ulo dito.”
~DOTC Sec. Jun Abaya on the “tanim-bala” controversy

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Street Dwellers: Interaksyon; APEC Summit: Wikipedia; Kris: TechPinas.Com; Roxas YouTube Channel; Binay: GMANetwork.com]





ISANG BALA KA LANG

5 11 2015

ISANG ARAW, sa Ninoy Aquino International Airport…

1Bala

Airport Personnel (AP): Sir, wait lang. May nakitang bala sa bulsa ng bag mo.

Passenger (galit): Tapos ano Miss? Igigiit n’yong sa akin ang bala? Tapos kakasuhan n’yo ako? Tapos hihingi kayo ng pera kapalit ng pag-drop sa aking kaso? Tapos ‘pag ‘di ako nagbigay, tutuluyan n’yo ako kaya makukulong ako; ‘di makakaalis ng bansa; maaabala ang trabaho, at mapapahiya sa buong mundo. ‘Yan naman ng plano n’yo ‘di ba? ‘Di ba?!!!! Sumagot ka!!!

AP:

Passenger: Grabe ka namang makatingin ‘teh. Galit agad? Inunahan lang kita. Oo na. Sige na, buksan mo na.

* * * * *

AP: Boss, wait lang. May nakitang dalawang bala sa bag n’yo. Kailangan natin ‘yang buksan.

Passenger: Magkano?

AP: Sir?!

Passenger: SABI KO, MAGKANO!?! SUMAGOT KA! MAGKANO?!?!

AP: ‘WAG N’YO AKONG SIGAWAN DAHIL HINDI AKO BINGI AT LALONG HINDI AKO SANGKOT SA RAKET NA ‘YAN! Magkano ho bang kaya n’yo? Curious lang. Walang malisya.

* * * * *

AP: Miss, may bala sa bag mo! Kailangang buksan mo ‘yan!

Passenger: Huh? Bakit ako magkakabala? Imposible!

AP: Sa office ka na magpaliwanag. Ano ngang pangalan mo?

Passenger: Cathy Duterte.

AP: Sabi ko na nga ba’t sira na naman ‘tong X-ray scanner eh. Sige Miss, diretso ka na.

* * * * *

AP: Sir, kailangang buksan natin ang bag na ito. May nakitang bala ang scanner!

Passenger: Imposible ang sinasabi mo!

AP: Sa office ka na magpaliwanag sir!!!

Passenger: Paano ako magkakabala eh wala naman akong bag!

AP: Joooooke! Kayo naman sir, ‘di na mabiro. Next!

1Bala

* * * * *

AP: Sir, pasensya po. May na-detect na bala sa inyong bag. Kailangan n’yong buksan ‘to.

Passenger: Anong bala?! Kayong taga-NAIA ang may pakana ng lahat! Kasalanan n’yo ‘to!

AP: Kung may nahuling kontrabando sa bag mo, paano ‘yan naging kasalanan ng gobyerno?

Passenger: Mar Roxas ikaw ba ‘yan?

* * * * *

AP: Sir, sandali po. May nakitang bala sa bag n’yo. Kailangan natin ‘yang buksan.

Passenger: Naku Miss, agimat lang ‘yan. Pampasuwerte. Bakit?

AP: Bawal ho ‘yan. Makakasuhan kayo at puwede pang makulong.

Passenger: So ibig sabihin hindi totoong susuwertehin ako?! Pwes… buksan mo na, tapos kunin mo ‘yong bala. Sa ‘yo na lang.

* * * * *

AP: Sir, sandali lang. ‘Yong bag n’yo ho…

Passenger: Make sure lang na totoong bala ‘yang nasa loob ng bag ko dahil kung hindi… uuwi ako ng bahay at kukuha ako ng totoong bala at itatanim ko d’yan sa ulo ng mga tarantadong opisyal at tauhan ng NAIA – including you dahil malakas ang kutob kong magkakasabwat kayo sa pangingikil ng mga inosenteng pasahero kabilang na ang mga OFW na nagpapakahirap sa ibang bansa mapakain lamang ang kanilang naghihikahos na pamilya dito sa Pilipinas! Mga walang-awa! Punyeta kayong lahat!

AP: Eh gago ka pala eh. Ang dami mong satsat! Pati pagkatao ko, hinusgahan mo na agad kahit ‘di pa ako tapos sa sinasabi ko. ‘Yong punyeta mong bag… bukas ang bulsa, baka madukot ‘yang wallet mo o kaya mabiktima ka ng tanim-bala syndicate dito sa NAIA! Judgmental kang leche ka! Wala kang utang na loob!

Passenger:

AP: Sorry sir. Nadala lang ng emosyon.

1Bala

AP: Sandali lang Lolo. May isang kahon ng bala sa bagahe n’yo! Kailangang buksan ‘yan!

Passenger: Ok.

AP: Ang tanda-tanda n’yo na, nagdadala pa kayo ng bala. Nasaan ang mga kasama n’yo?

Passenger: Nag-CR lang. Teka, tatawagan ko. (Dials phone) Hello? Bong, sa’n ba kayo nagpunta ni Lani? Balikan n’yo na ako rito.

* * * * *

AP: Boss, wait lang. May nakita kaming mga bala sa bag mo. Ilegal ‘yang ginagawa n’yo! Kailangan natin ‘yang buksan!

Passenger: Akala n’yo matatakot n’yo ako!? Hoy! Alam ko na ang raket n’yo! Eh ‘di buksan n’yo!

AP (opens bag): Kita n’yo na?! “I Like It Shaved,” “Pump My Ride,” “The Whore of the Rings.” Pirated na mga bala ng DVD. Bawal ‘to!

Passenger: Bala talaga? Ang luma huh. Tumu-throwbackThursday ka?

* * * * *

AP: Miss, sandali! May bala sa bulsa ng backpack mo!

Passenger: Bala?!? Ilan?

AP: Isa lang.

Passenger: Anong isa? Hoy! Tatlo ‘yan nang umalis ako sa bahay! Ibalik n’yo ‘yong dalawa! Ibalik n’yo! Mga magnanakaw! Malilikot ang kamay!
———————————————————————————————————————————————–
“A man who has never gone to school may steal a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad.”
~Theodore Roosevelt

Sound Bites
“Bullet day, I will giant you.”
In Filipino: Balang araw, paghihigantihan kita.
~A joke from the ‘90s

Ingat!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: Inquirer.Net; MemeCenter.com; GabeClogston.com]








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