CIRCUMCISION, MICROBES, AND OTHER STORIES

13 02 2016

1DDR
Sick?
Last Thursday, Mayor Rodrigo Duterte was forced to cancel a speaking engagement. Reports say a respiratory infection triggered a headache, nausea and vomiting – the same symptoms experienced by people who repeatedly watched videos of him locking lips with his female supporters.

Dare
When asked if he was willing to release his medical records to the public, Mayor Duterte said, “I will release them if Mar Roxas will show he is circumcised.” To which, Korina Sanchez replied, “Sus! Maliit na bagay.”

Dare II
Mayor Duterte says he will make public his medical records if Mar Roxas will show he is circumcised. The Roxas camp described this latest tirade as “below the belt.”

1BBM
Gimmick
Vice presidential candidate Bongbong Marcos recently launched an online gimmick called “Bongbong Into My Heart” – in which a lucky netizen stands a chance to win an exclusive lunch date with him. Apparently, Bongbong got his inspiration from Mayor Duterte’s own much talked-about gimmick called “Digong On Your Lips.”

Sacrifice
Lent officially started last Wednesday. It’s the time of the year when Christians usually give up something as a form of sacrifice like a favorite food, hobby or a habit. Grace Poe will never forget Lent of 2001. That year, she gave up being a Filipino.

Kissing
Scientists say there are 80 million microbes in a kiss but most are harmless and actually protect us from infections. Mayor Duterte calls it “a vindication of sorts.”

1D30
Breakthrough
Scientists have found proof of gravitational waves from two black holes that collided some 1.3 billion years ago. Filipinos would have been more impressed if scientists could help locate Ebeng Baloloy and Gerry Limlingan.

Premature Cam
Senatorial aspirant Sandra Cam is furious at Alan Peter Cayetano. Cam said Cayetano barred her from speaking at Mayor Duterte’s proclamation rally in Tondo, Manila. Preventing Cam from speaking was totally unfair because the crowd was deprived of the chance to ignore her.

Banned
PBA import Ivan Johnson of Tropang TNT has been banned from the PBA and was slapped with P250,000 fine for cursing league officials. The cursing import has since left Manila and relocated to a city deemed friendlier to him – Davao.

Forever
According to a recent Social Weather Stations study, 73 percent of adult Filipinos believe in ‘forever.’ To the remaining 27 percent… ‘wag nang bitter. Move on na please.
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“Denial is a useful defense mechanism until it’s not.”
~Rosalind Kaplan

Sound Bites
“I am well. Do not worry about my health. Worry about yourselves so you can vote for me.”
~Mayor Rodrigo Duterte

“May nagsabi pa nga, ‘ano ba naman ang experience ni Senator Grace Poe, teacher lang ‘yan.’ Totoo, kulang ako sa karanasan sa pagnanakaw at pangungurakot.”
~Sen. Grace Poe

Happy Valentine’s Day!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte: ABSCBN News Screengrab; Bongbong Marcos Twitter; Gravitational Waves: Extreme Tech.com]





FIFTY-SIX

8 02 2016

1NA
ON FEBRUARY 8, President Aquino turned 56 years old. The President is feeling a bit awful; he’s already 56 – and still single. Worse, he can’t blame this on the previous administration.

Since it’s his birthday, here are…

15 Little-Known Factoids About the President

1: He was born with a complete set of teeth but not a strand of hair.

2: His first words were “not,” “my,” and “fault.”

3: Unknown to many, Noynoy and Pinky (Aquino-Abelleda) are fraternal twins. In an extremely rare case that baffled the medical community in the late 1950s, Pinky was born three years ahead of her twin, Noynoy.

4: In grade school, Noynoy excelled in Religion and GMRC.

5: Noynoy helped debunk the myth that during sleep, an average person swallows four to eight spiders in his lifetime. As a pre-pubescent boy visiting Hacienda Luisita, Noynoy once swallowed 12 spiders.

6: In Ateneo, Noynoy was the least favorite student of Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo. She was his most hated professor.

7: In a slam book entry in the mid-‘70s, Noynoy defined “love” as “A lonely place to be. And so I learned to depend on me.” The line became the inspiration for the Whitney Houston classic, “(The) Greatest Love of All.”

8: He wears only yellow underwear every day of the week. His favorite is a set of Spongebob boxer-briefs from Bimby.

9: A PBA fan during the ‘90s, Noynoy cheered for the Purefoods Tender Juicy Hotdogs and even approved of his sister Kris’s romance with four-time MVP, Alvin Patrimonio. Until now, Noynoy still refers to Alvin as “bayaw.”

10: Noynoy once rejected an endorsement offer from Svenson.

11: When he was courting Korina Sanchez, it was his good friend, Mar Roxas who helped Noynoy draft the love letters he sent to the broadcaster.

12: A reluctant candidate for president until Election Day itself, Noynoy actually voted for his cousin, Gilbert Teodoro in 2010.

13: He’s a huge fan of Game of Thrones. His favorite character is “anyone in Peter Baelish’s brothel.”

14: In recent private LP gatherings, Noynoy would often mock Jojo Binay by doing an impression of the Vice President while reciting Mar Roxas’s political ad. For example, Noynoy would go something like…

“Ako po si Jojo Binay.
Sabi nila laki ako sa hirap
At meron akong madramang kwento.
Pero hindi ako sisiga-siga.
At hindi-hinding ko kayo nanakawan.
Jooooooke!”

And finally…
15: Noynoy couldn’t remember his first kiss. The girl would rather forget it as well.

Happy birthday and thank you Mr. President!
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“The year you were born marks only your entry into the world. Other years where you prove your worth, they are the ones worth celebrating.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book Title is Invisible

Sound Bites
“Dito lang ako nakapagbilang ng babaeng nahalikan ko ng lips to lips. ‘Tapos may isang kandidato, sabi niya, ‘Itong si Duterte, napakadumi. Lahat ng mga babae, hinahalikan.’ Bakit, ‘yung hinahalikan mo, ayaw mo ‘yung sakit niya? Kasi madumi siya? Ayaw mong yakapin ke mabaho o may sakit? O bakit gusto mong maging presidente?”
~Mayor Rodrigo Duterte on his “kissing spree”

Have a great week! Kung Hei Fat Choi!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: @NoynoyAquino on Twitter]





THE WALKING DEAD

5 02 2016

1SMB
Allies
In the news today: Accused plunderer Juan Ponce Enrile has announced he would campaign for presidential candidate Jojo Binay. In totally unrelated news, social anthropologists have completely debunked the old adage, ‘Ang magnanakaw ay galit sa kapwa magnanakaw.”

Freedom
Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile is confident he’ll be a free man once his trial is over. In fact, the signs are encouraging: he was granted bail; he’s back at the Senate, and Jojo Binay is ahead in the surveys.

Miraculous
Scientists at the Lilly & Putt Laboratories in the Bahamas are reportedly studying the “miraculous” recovery of Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile. The lawmaker appeared to be very sickly while still in detention but sprang back to good health after posting bail. The scientists believe Enrile has a rare case of Sakitsakitanitis palusotium.

Birthday Boy
Senate Minority Leader Juan Ponce Enrile turns 92 on February 14. Yup, he’s already 92 and tireless. With Vice President Binay, Mang Johnny promises to lead UNA to victory in the coming elections. To those asking about the UNA hierarchy , Binay is the chairman of the party while Enrile is the corpse commander.

Addressing questions about his health, Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile said, “Sa mga nag-iisip na sana patay na ako, you will have your wish one day.” To which one shocked Senate reporter said, “You’re still alive?!”

1Makati
Poor
Vice President Binay’s spokesman Joey Salgado says the number of poor Filipinos has increased under the Aquino administration. Salgado made the statement shortly after looking out the window of his posh condo unit and saw the slums of Makati City.

Historic
San Miguel Beer overcome a 0-3 game deficit to clinch the PBA Philippine Cup title against Alaska Milk. Basketball fanatics described the seemingly improbable feat as “SMB coming back from the dead.” Or as political observers would call it, the “Enrile syndrome.”

1BEnrile
SMB Coach Leo Austria says even if you’re in the bottom, do not give up because “Miracles are just around the corner.” His words will likely inspire basketball players, other coaches, and Mar Roxas.

First Ladies
Mayor Rodrigo Duterte says if he becomes president his first wife and his current girlfriend will have separate rooms in Malacañang. Even Joseph Estrada was like, “Gago!”

If he becomes president, Mayor Duterte vows to provide separate rooms for his first wife and his current girlfriend in Malacañang. When sought for a reaction, Mayor Erap said he would never ever do that – mainly because there would be a shortage of rooms.

Taiwan Traffic
The mayor of Taipei City has threatened to sack Department of Transportation Commissioner Chung Hui-yu for her department’s failure to solve the city’s recent traffic problems. Motorists have also called for the resignation of Hui-yu, a senior transportation planner who has a master’s degree from the Jun Abaya School of Management.
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“What is it about the government and its agents and employees that they can lie to us with impunity, but we risk being sent to jail if we lie to them?”
~Andrew P. Napolitano

Sound Bites
“I am for Jojo Binay. I will bet on Binay. Why would I bet on someone who will lose?”
~Juan Ponce Enrile

‘Wag bobo sa Mayo.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Enrile; Rappler; Makati slums: Inquirer.Net; SMB: Rappler]





BE LIKE

29 01 2016

YOU’VE SEEN them on Facebook. Those ‘Be like Bill’ memes. Some are worth sharing while some are annoying. Dagdagan pa natin ang pagkairita mo. Be like…

1Binay
1Duterte

1GPL

1Mar

1Abaya

1Noy

1JPE

1GG

1Alma

1INC

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“I want to be the kind of person that kind people like and want to be like.”
~Jarod Kintz

Sound Bites
“Politicians, will you throw away people’s taxes for your parties and shopping, or guard them as gifts for social services? Being in politics means you have earned the trust of people when you were elected. You are given gift of trust, so don’t throw away (that) gift.”
~Manila Archbishop Luis Antonio Cardinal Tagle

Have a great weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





SUPPORTERS

24 01 2016

13PhilStar
In US politics, Donald Trump’s supporters are now being called “Trumpeters.” In Philippine politics, some supporters of Mayor Duterte are being called “Dutertenatics” while some Binay supporters are denying rumors they are being called “Binayarans.”

On Sunday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump, boasting about his loyal supporters, said, “I could shoot somebody and not lose votes.” Shocking many Americans, and offending Duterte fanatics who hit Trump for his lack of originality.

Word War
You know it’s election season when politicians begin to diss one another. Mayor Duterte says Mar Roxas is “unfit to become president.” Roxas counters Mayor Duterte is “incompetent.” Jojo Binay says Roxas and Duterte are “just doing great. Keep it up.”

Gigi
For writing about her expensive bag and designer shoes, detained plunder suspect and former Enrile chief of staff Gigi Reyes lashed out at Inquirer reporter Marlon Ramos outside the Sandiganbayan courtroom last week. Unconfirmed reports say an upset Gigi Reyes shouted the reporter’s name – marking the first time a man’s name other than “Johnny!” came out of her mouth.

The End
Jinkee Pacquiao announced that Manny Pacquiao would retire from boxing this year to focus on politics. Boxing’s loss is Senate’s… even bigger loss.

Dismissed
Quezon City Councilor and actor Roderick Paulate has been dismissed from public service for employing 30 fictitious “job order personnel” and pocketing their supposed salary. On Instagram, Paulate described the news as “OA” and “pinalaki lang.” Probably, he had only 27 ghost employees. Or maybe, 25. Or 20. Basta. Pinalaki lang.

12PhilStar
Nabbed
Marine Col. Ferdinand Marcelino, a former PDEA official was arrested along with a Chinese national during a raid on a shabu laboratory in Manila last week. But Marcelino insisted he was at the shabu laboratory because he was doing “intelligence work.” Either that, or he’s insulting our intelligence.

Marine Col. Ferdinand Marcelino, a former official of the Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency, was arrested during a raid on a shabu laboratory in Manila last week. But the Marine colonel said he was at the shabu lab because he was doing “intelligence work.” His captors advised him to “tell that to the marines.”

1CathABSCBN
Cursing
Accused of repeatedly cursing and humiliating a TV drama “extra,” director Cathy Garcia-Molina finally addressed the issue. In an emotional interview exclusively released online, Molina said, “For all those people na nasaktan ko in the past, I apologize. Maybe I was careless in my use of words.” Amid the criticisms, supporters rallied behind the “cursing” director including ABS-CBN talents, workmates, and Mayor Duterte.
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“Under democracy one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule — and both commonly succeed, and are right.”
~H.L. Mencken

Sound Bites
“Nakakalungkot nga kasi minsan OA ang news. Hindi naman ito malaki; sobrang pinalaki lang ng mga nasa likod nito ang kasinungalingang ito.”
~Dismissed QC Councilor Roderick Paulate

“I admit nagmumura po ako. I admit nagkamali po ako. I never lied. I turned into a monster—with all good intensions na mapaganda ang show.”
~Cathy Garcia-Molina

Be sensitive. Always.

Elsewhere
Editorial: Waiting Game
“Does the expensive bag prove Reyes’ guilt? Of course not. It does, however, raise questions about her wealth, and the means by which she acquired it, right when she stands accused as an alleged principal in conspiring with Enrile and Janet Lim Napoles of skimming some P172 million off the senator’s pork barrel allocations.”

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Binay/Roxas/Duterte: Philstar.Com; Gigi/Enrile: Philstar.com; Col. Marcelino: Philstar.Com; Cathy Garcia-Molina: ABSCBN YouTube]





BOO!

20 01 2016

1PDI
Booed
Last Sunday, Vice President Binay was reportedly booed after he was introduced by suspended Mayor Michael Rama at the formal opening of the Sinulog Grand Parade in Cebu City. Binay almost stole the show.

Reports say the booing prompted the Vice President to just greet the crowd instead of delivering a prepared speech. His decision to cut it short got the loudest applause.

Platform
In September 2015, Vice President Binay met with Nationalist People’s Coalition leaders and presented his plans for his first 100 days. Last Monday, it was the turn of presidential aspirant Rodrigo Duterte to talk about his platform. He met with NPC leaders and detailed his plans for the first 100 bodies.

1Interaksyon
Guia for Mar
San Juan City Mayor Guia Gomez, partner of former president and Manila Mayor Joseph Estrada has endorsed the presidential bid of Mar Roxas. The five other presidential candidates are not worried though. They can still rely on the support of Estrada’s five other partners.

Revenge
Accused plunderer Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile, who is out on bail, can’t wait for the reopening of the Mamasapano massacre probe. Loyal admin supporters believe Enrile wants President Aquino charged and jailed for his “direct involvement” in the botched operation. Well, it can happen. But not in Enrile’s lifetime.

Separated
Sen. Tito Sotto’s daughter Ciara and her husband of six years Jojo Oconer have reportedly separated. Sotto will not comment on the issue until he has talked to the couple, or at least until he figures out a way to blame this on the RH Law.

1ING
First Time
For the first time in history, a woman has been elected president of Taiwan. Democratic Progressive Party leader Ing-wen Tsai is 59 years old and single. During her free time, she visits her favorite nephews, Bimby Tsai and Joshua Tsai.

Oscars 2016
For the second year in a row, the Academy has exclusively nominated white actors for the show’s top honors. People of color are upset. In protest, some famous celebrities have decided to skip this year’s Oscar Awards including director Spike Lee, Will Smith’s wife Jada Pinkett-Smith and Vice President Binay.

Oldest
On Tuesday, the Internet was abuzz with reports that the world’s oldest man has died. A barrage of text messages and phone calls prompted Senator Enrile to issue a statement he’s still alive.

1SStars
Stars Align
Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter and Saturn will be visible in the night sky in a rare astronomical alignment starting Friday. Astronomers have advised Anne Curtis and Billy Crawford to temporarily refrain from drinking alcohol, and Claudine Barretto to stay away from airports.
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“Every blade has two edges; he who wounds with one wounds himself with the other.”
~Victor Hugo

Sound Bites
Enrile wants to “hurt” the President “because PNoy put him in a stockade.”
~Sen. Serge Osmena on the reopening of the Mamasapano probe

Elsewhere
Sylvia Estrada Claudio: Magnanakaw sa Senado

“Ang problema ay ubod ng yabang nitong si Senator Sotto. Hindi niya matanggap na tinalo siya ng mga maralita at mga kababaihan. Hindi matanggap ang demokratikong pasya ng karamihan. Kaya’t nagmistulang akyat-bahay gang ang senador. Tulad ng magnanakaw, hinintay niyang natutulog tayo matapos ng mga kasiyahan ng Pasko at Bagong Taon. At habang tayo ay mahimbing na natutulog, ninakaw niya P1 bilyong pinag-ipunan natin.”

Interaksyon
Editorial: Hell to pay

“Blame instead a leadership and council that could have headed off this crisis but that, by some unfathomable complacency, incompetence, negligence to their principals, or all of the above, set everyone up for a sucker punch instead. Even when they’re in the right, they set themselves up for a spectacular fall.”

Love will keep us alive. – Eagles / #RIPGlenFrey

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Gigi/Enrile: Rappler; Binay: Inquirer.net; Guia Gomez: Interaksyon; Tsai Ing-wen: ATimes.com]





SLAM BOOK: MAYOR DUTERTE

15 01 2016

WE RESUME our SLAM BOOK SERIES with a feature on tough-talking Davao City mayor and presidential aspirant Rodrigo Duterte.

1RD
2RD
3RD
4RD
5RD

Sound Bites
“I was also charged with acts of lasciviousness. But you know the woman was really very, very beautiful that if you do not touch her, you will die. I was just saving my life.”
~Mayor Rodrigo Duterte

‘Tang-ina.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





READY TO RUMBLE

12 01 2016

1DL
ON SUNDAY, January 10, the election period officially started. January 10 also marked the start of the 2016 election gun ban mainly to prevent Comelec Chairman Andy Bautista and Commissioner Rowena Guanzon from killing each other.

Campaign Period
Soon, moneyed candidates will visit cities, provinces, even the remotest barangays in the country to woo voters. Officially, it’s called “campaign period.” In the words of the CPP-NPA, it’s “business opportunity.”


Like!
Former Justice Secretary Leila De Lima just came out with probably one of the best political ads this election season. It depicted her tough stance against corruption. In the ad, a huge cage dropped over three shady characters, trapping them. As of Tuesday morning, the ad has been “liked” by 420 people. However, some 890 people have clicked the “dislike” button. And that’s just the members of the Revilla clan.

Dislike!
Former Justice Secretary Leila De Lima’s new TV ad is out. It’s awesome! Posted last Sunday on YouTube, the black and white ad has almost 90,000 views. As of Tuesday morning, 420 people have “liked” it. But more people – almost 900 “disliked” the ad. ‘K, fine! We’re not expecting you to like it anyway, Iglesia ni Cristo!

Furlough
Jinggoy Estrada and Bong Revilla have asked the Sandiganbayan to allow them to attend the wake of TV host German ‘Kuya Germs’ Moreno. To be fair, the two actors, now detained for plunder, are really close to the Master Showman. Also, their political career and Kuya Germs have something in common. Dead.

1DL
Advisory
The Department of Trade and Industry and the Department of Health issued a joint statement saying “hoverboards” are inappropriate for kids 14 years old and below. But the two agencies clarified people who are 15 years old and above may use the popular ride if they don’t mind looking stupid.

Traslacion 2015
Two Black Nazarene devotees reportedly died during this year’s Traslacion. Reports say the fatalities joined the procession to pray for “a better life.” The Black Nazarene granted them “a better place.”

Probe
On Monday, Jan. 11, the House of Representatives conducted a hearing on the alleged irregularities in the recent Metro Manila Film Festival. Because you know, priorities.

1DL
In the hearing, ‘Honor Thy Father’ director, Erik Matti said, “The MMFF is only concerned about money and not in the welfare of the producers, the film workers and the taxpayers who support them each year.” To which, the congressmen replied, “Tell us something we don’t know.”

Personal Concern
In a recent Pulse Asia survey, three in five Filipinos cited “staying healthy” as their top “personal” concern. The other two refused to give up on love.

1DL
Fined
Comedian and frustrated politician Amay Bisaya was fined by the Comelec for his failure to submit his statement of campaign contributions during the May 2013 elections. Which begs the question, who, in his right mind, would contribute to Amay Bisaya’s election campaign?
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“I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.”
~Adlai Stevenson

Sound Bites
“I can go anytime. I’m here to help the president. If he tells me I have to go, I’ll go. This position is just a privilege.”
~Embattled DOTC Sec. Jun Abaya

“The people are still not used to disposing of their own trash during the procession.”
~ MMDA General Manager Cora Jimenez on the 367 tons of garbage along the route of this year’s Traslacion

Walang himala.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Gun Ban: Inquirer.Net; Hoverboard: Telegraph.UK; MMFF:MMDA; Amay Bisaya: FAP.Org]





SO RICH, SO POOR

8 01 2016

1Binay
Top Spender
According to the Nielsen Advertising Information Service, Vice President Binay is the biggest TV ad spender among the aspirants for president. From January to November 2015, Binay reportedly spent almost 600 million pesos for political ads. Again, that’s 600 million pesos! Or as the Vice President would say, “Maliit na bagay.”

Surge
Despite allegations of corruption, the Vice President’s trust and approval ratings even increased according to the latest survey conducted by Pulse Asia. Two survey questions were asked. One: “Do you still trust the Vice President?” And 2: “If yes, what’s wrong with you?”

Poor
According to the latest Social Weather Stations survey, 50 percent of respondents remain poor. The other half remain in denial.

Poor II
The latest SWS survey showed 50 percent of respondents considered themselves “mahirap” or poor. This, according to Business World, is the lowest in four years. Or as the Manila Times would rather banner, “11.2 million families remain poor.”

Twitter Limit
Twitter plans to allow longer tweets of up to 10,000 characters. The Binays are against the idea.

Reports say Twitter is planning to allow longer tweets of up to 10,000 characters – fueling rumors Twitter is planning to change its name to ‘Facebook.’

Reports say Twitter plans to allow longer tweets of up to 10,000 characters. Manny Pacquiao will soon be tweeting the four Gospels in full.

1Bagatsing
Last
For the third time, Manny Pacquiao is fighting Timothy Bradley. The Sarangani representative says the scheduled April 9 bout will not affect his work as a legislator. What work?

1C
Denied
The Sandiganbayan has junked detained senator Jinggoy Estrada’s petition for bail. Bong Revilla is asking Lani Mercado, his kids, and their supporters to pray harder.

Lucky
According to a feng shui expert, the luckiest animal signs this year are Rabbit, Snake and Rooster. The not-so-lucky are Tiger, Dog, and Jinggoy.
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“Happiness is not in the mere possession of money; it lies in the joy of achievement, in the thrill of creative effort.”
~Franklin D. Roosevelt

Sound Bites
“Wherefore, the motion for bail filed by… Estrada is denied after finding that the prosecution presented a strong evidence of guilt against him.”
~Sandiganbayan Fifth Division denying Jinggoy’s petition for bail

In Memoriam
German ‘Kuya Germs’ Moreno (1943-2016)
1KG

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: German Moreno: GMA News





HELLO 2016!

1 01 2016

1NY
HAPPY NEW YEAR! It’s 2016! This will be an amazing year, I promise. Kapag ‘di ito naging amazing, magpapasagasa ako sa tren kasama sina President Aquino at Sec. Jun Abaya.

2015 is over. Can someone please check if those two officials are still alive? Thank you.

1NY
Apparently, on April 4, 2013, in a campaign sortie of Team PNoy in Cavite, President Aquino vowed to complete the LRT Line 1 Project (Baclaran to Bacoor) by 2015. He added, “’Pag hindi ho nangyari ito, nand’yan ho si Secretary Abaya na nangangasiwa ng proyektong ito, dalawa na kaming magpapasagasa siguro sa train.” Of course, he was just joking. What he really wanted to say was, “’Pag hindi ho nangyari ito, nand’yan ho si Secretary Abaya. Magpapasagasa siya sa tren.“

Resolutions
People usually make resolutions before they ring in the new year. Some vow to lose weight. Others promise to quit smoking. President Aquino promises to stop making promises.

Hopeful
Eighty-nine percent of Filipinos say they are welcoming 2016 with hope according to a Pulse Asia survey. The remaining 11 percent have gotten tired of saying the same thing every year.

In the same survey, 1 in 10 Filipinos said they were not sure whether they would face the coming year with or without hope. Those Filipinos were identified as staunch Grace Poe supporters.

1NY
Missing Tayag
Curiously, the likeable, dance-loving Health Assistant Secretary Dr. Eric Tayag did not produce a dance video to promote the department’s 2015 Iwas-Paputok campaign. In other news, the number of firecracker-related injuries this year is at an all-time low. Thank you Dr. Tayag for making a sacrifice!

Goodbye Philippines
In 2014, a drunk man identified as Ronald Vericio of Sta. Mesa, Manila reportedly tried to lie on a lit ‘Sinturon ni Hudas.’ He survived. Last night, New Year’s Eve, Vericio blew himself up by hugging a lit bomb-like firecracker called ‘Goodbye Philippines.’ He wasn’t as lucky this time. He died. A check on his high school year book revealed Vericio was voted by his classmates as “Most-likely to succeed as a suicide bomber.”

A drunk man died when he hugged a lit ‘Goodbye Philippines’ firecracker on New Year’s Eve. If it’s any consolation, he died doing what he loved most: hurting himself.

Ronald Vericio, a man from Manila died after hugging a lit ‘Goodbye Philippines’ firecracker. Before that, he has also tried to lie on a lit ‘Sinturon ni Hudas.’ Probers described Vericio as short, middle-aged, and clingy.

1Priest
The Priest
A priest in Biñan, Laguna was reportedly suspended after a video of him riding a “hoverboard” while officiating a Christmas Eve mass went viral. Fr. Albert San Jose has been ordered by his superiors to take a break from his duties. Nonetheless, Father San Jose vows to continue monitoring his parish using his newly-purchased drone.
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“Do not wait until the conditions are perfect to begin. Beginning makes the conditions perfect.”
~Alan Cohen

Sound Bites
“May we all be inspired by Dr. Jose Rizal’s courage and intelligence, his sense of duty, hunger for knowledge, passion for reform, and undying love of country.”
~President Aquino. 12.30.2015

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: New Year Wishes.Com; Aquino/Abaya: Rappler; Tayag:GMA Network]





FOR SALE: PINOY FIRECRACKERS

27 12 2015

HERE’S A GUIDE to some of the more popular firecrackers being sold in the Philippines. Buy at your own risk.


Noynoy Firecracker
Sobrang mabenta ang paputok na ito nang unang ilabas sa market ngunit unti-unting inayawan ng publiko. Marami pa namang natitirang loyal buyers ngunit talagang malaki na ang ibinaba ng popularidad nito. May kabagalan kasi kung pumutok at hindi mo maramdaman ang sinseridad ng dulot nitong kasiyahan.

Binay Firecracker
Paborito sa mga probinsya. Hindi masyadong mabenta sa National Capital Region dahil alam ng mga taga-Metro Manila ang pinsalang kaya nitong idulot kapag sinindihan.

Grace Poe Firecracker
Ang firecracker na pinulot matapos ang putukan. Hindi sigurado ang pumulot kung puputok pa ito o hindi na. Huwag masyadong umasa dahil baka hindi na umubra, masasaktan ka lang. Pero try mo ring sindihan. Baka naman puputok pa. Let’s see.

Mar Firecracker
Kahit anong patalastas pa ang ipalabas tungkol sa firecracker na ito, hirap na hirap siyang ibenta ng manufacturer. Kapag hindi pa rin siya nabenta for 2016, baka tuluyan nang itigil ang pagbebenta rito.

Duterte Firecracker
Babala: Nakamamatay. Mabenta sa masa dahil malakas ang putok nito. Walang sinisino; lahat puwedeng talsikan ng pulbura: lalaki, babae, bata, matanda, o kahit Santo Papa ka pa.

Martin Diño Firecracker
Sorry, hindi pala ito firecracker. Pulbura lang pala. Nagkamali ng label ang manufacturer.

Miriam Firercacker
Ang paputok na pinakamabenta online.

Enrile Firecracker
Isang lumang brand ng paputok na inalis sa market noong 2014 dahil sa matinding pinsalang naidulot sa publiko. Ngunit dahil sa husay ng advertising firm na kinuha ng manufacturers nito, matagumpay itong nakabalik sa merkado. Babala: may kakayahan pa rin itong magdulot ng pinsala. Maging alerto.

Jun Abaya Firecracker
Brutally honest ang nakasulat sa pakete ng paputok na ito: “Nakasusugat. Pero hindi fatal. Bili na!”

Bong and Jinggoy Firecrackers
Hindi na available sa publiko ang dalawang uri ng paputok na ito. Iniutos na rin ang pag-aalis sa market dahil sa dulot nilang perwisyo. However, umaasa ang manufacturers ng mga paputok na ito na muli silang maibebenta kapag nagbago ng policy ang susunod na administrasyon. [Huwag naman sana.]

Militanteng Firecracker
May iba’t ibang tunog na maririnig kapag sinindihan mo ang paputok na ito. Pwede kang pumili sa tatlong sounds na ito: (1) Tutulan! (2) Ibasura! at (3) Ibagsak! Delikado ito lalo na kung ang magsisindi ay Amerikano.

Nancy Binay Firecracker
Hanggang ngayon, marami pa rin ang nagtataka kung paano napunta sa market ang paputok na ito. Nakisakay kasi ang manufacturer nito sa popularidad ng isa pang brand. Kapag bumili ka ng isang Binay Firecracker, isang Nancy Firecracker ang free.

Francis Tolentino Firecracker
Ang nagsasayaw na firecracker. Ngunit nang makasakit, inilaglag siya ng sariling manufacturer. Pamilya at malalapit na kaibigan na lang ang nagma-market sa kanya.

Alma Moreno Firecracker
Nag-a-aspire na makilala bilang reliable na brand ng paputok. Ngunit nang sindihan, wala palang kakwenta-kwenta. Walang spark, walang sound, puro usok.

Leni Robredo Firecracker
Isa sa pinakabagong brands ng paputok. Hindi pa masyadong kilala sa mga probinsya kaya mahina pa ang benta.

Marcos Firecracker
Ito naman ang isa sa pinakalumang brands. Marami nang nasugatan at namatay dahil sa firecracker na ito ngunit hanggang ngayon, ayaw pa ring mag-apologize ng manufacturer. Tuloy ang pagkamal ng kita.

INC Firecracker
Wala kang choice. Whether you like it or not, required kang bumili ng firecracker na ito.

Pia Wurtzbach Firecracker
Sa unang minuto matapos sindihan, wala pa itong reaksyon, iisipin mong palyado. After a while though, magsasabog na ito ng makulay at maliwanag na spark sa buong universe.

#AlDub Firecracker
Biglang sulpot sa market. Kinagat ng publiko. Inilampaso ang pinakamalakas na rival brand.

Kris Aquino Firecracker
Sinindihan mo siya, sumabog, nasira, pero natalsikan ka at nasugatan. Quits lang! Aha-ha-ha! Love! Love! Love!
———————————————————————————————————————————————–
“Tomorrow, is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one.”
~Brad Paisley

Happy New Year!

Sound Bites
“One always knew that with her, the truth was the benchmark of a journalist’s efforts; and that in all that she did, there was no higher cause than the country’s welfare and that of our people.”
~President Aquino on Inquirer Editor-in-Chief Letty Jimenez-Magsanoc who passed away on Christmas Eve

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





THE PRESIDENT’S CHRISTMAS MESSAGE

24 12 2015

Christmas Message
of
His Excellency Benigno S. Aquino III
President of the Philippines
[Taped last December 20, 2015 at the Rizal Ceremonial Hall, Malacañan Palace]

seal2

Mga minamahal kong kababayan,

Kaisa n’yo po ako at ang aking Gabinete gayundin ang mga lingkod-bayan sa ating pamahalaan sa pagdiriwang ng Kapaskuhan.

Marami tayong pinagdaanan ngayong 2015 (lalo na ako) ngunit sa tulong ng Panginoon ay nalampasan nating lahat ang mga ito.

Ang kwento ng Pasko at ni Hesukristo ay hindi nalalayo sa karanasan nating mga Pilipino.

Iniutos ni Herodes ang pagpaslang sa mga inosente upang walang maging balakid sa kanyang maitim na balak. Halos ganito rin ang naganap sa Mamasapano noong Enero.

Sa isang sabsaban isinilang si Hesus ngunit mapalad pa rin siya dahil nakilala niya ang kanyang ina at ang kinalakhan niyang amang si Jose. Malinaw ring sa Betlehem siya ipinanganak. Tumakbo man siya sa pagkapangulo, walang puwedeng tumutol o humadlang. Ewan ko lang ang iba d’yan.

Mula pagsilang, namuhay nang payak si Hesus. Hanggang sa mamatay ay wala itong maituturing na materyal na yaman. Hindi katulad ng iba d’yan na habambuhay na sa puwesto kaya’t limpak-limpak ang naibulsa. Ang masamang gawain nila ay ipinagpapatuloy pa ng mga miyembro ng kanilang pamilya. Ang kakapal ng mukha.

Ang mga nagkakasala ay pinapatawad ni Hesus at binibigyan ng pagkakataong magbago. Pero sa lipunan natin ngayon, pinapanigan pa ng ilan ang mga lider na nagsusulong sa extrajudicial killing. Hindi ka pa man napapatunayang nagkasala, pinapatay ka na. Taliwas ito sa turo ni Hesus.

index

Si Hesus ay isa sa atin. Mababa ang loob niya at hindi mayabang. Wala siyang ipinagmamalaking diploma mula sa mga prestihiyosong unibersidad. Kailanman ay hindi niya ipinagyabang ang kanyang IQ. Kung nabubuhay siya ngayon, tiyak kong mas marami ang kanyang online followers kumpara sa isang kandidato sa pagkapangulo.

Ngayong Pasko, marapat lamang nating isabuhay at pahalagahan ang mga nagawa ni Hesus.

Sa huli, samahan n’yo po ako sa isang panalangin dahil hindi po nakakatuwa ang resulta ng latest surveys.

Nawa’y ang mga taong nasa panig ng kadiliman ay magising sa katotohanang hindi kailanman magtatagumpay ang kasamaan. To quote John 8:12 , “And Jesus said, I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.’

Mar my words! Mangingibabaw pa rin sa huli ang Tuwid na Daan.

Isang maligayang Pasko at masaganang bagong taon po sa inyong lahat!

Sumasainyo,
Benigno Simeon C. Aquino III





MISS UNIVERSE 2015 (Tamang Panahon)

22 12 2015

1PIA
AFTER 42 long years – and 42 seconds, the country has won the prestigious Miss Universe title again. Pia Alonzo Wurtzbach is the new queen. Since President Aquino assumed office in 2010, the country’s delegates to the Miss Universe pageant have consistently made it to the Top 5 or Top 10: Venus Raj, Shamcey Supsup, Janine Tugonon, Ariella Arida, MJ Lastimosa, and now, Pia Wurtzbach. President Aquino’s “record” is phenomenal. The next president has some big eyes to fill.

Reports say Vice President Binay described Pia Wurtzbach as “world class” – prompting Senators Trillanes and Alan Peter Cayetano to believe rumors that Pia’s long gown, shoes, and jewelry were overpriced.

1Card
For committing a huge mistake, pageant host Steve Harvey immediately apologized and took full responsibility for the mistake. As for the Marcoses…

Miss Universe 2015 Pia Wurtzbach was actually born in Germany. In other news, Rizalito David has started doing a background check on Wurtzbach.

The Top 5 finalists were grilled on significant issues such as drug abuse, gun control, military bases, medical marijuana, and terrorism – in the pageant’s Question and Answer portion. Or as Alma Moreno calls it, “my worst nightmare.”

1Card
When asked about the presence of US military bases in the country, Miss Philippines mentioned something about the good relations between the two nations and added, “I don’t see any problem with that at all.” According to reports, leftists were not pleased with Pia’s answer. Netizens say the reaction wasn’t surprising at all since leftists are not pleased with almost anything anyway.

Miss Colombia, Ariadna Arevalo Gutierrez, was asked: Drug abuse continues to be one of the world’s most serious social problems. What do you think is the best way to handle this issue? She answered: education in our homes. As expected, Mayor Duterte disagreed.

1Card
In the last round of competition, the Top 3 candidates, USA, Colombia, and the Philippines were asked the same question: Why should you be the next Miss Universe? Some Filipino politicians sent us the following answers:

Grace Poe: Ipagpapatuloy ko po ang nasimulan nina Gloria Diaz at Margie Moran.

Vice President Binay: Matagal ko na itong inaasam at pinaghahandaan. Sa mga candidates, ako rin ang may pinakamalawak na karanasan sa ganitong contest. Huwag kayong maniniwala sa mga basher. Wala akong ninakaw o itinagong make-up kit at sapatos ng ibang candidate. Paninira lang ang mga ‘yan.

Mar Roxas: Kapag nasagot ko nang maayos ang tanong na ‘to, sasampalin kita. Kung hindi, sampalin mo ako.

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago: I believe that I have the support of the online community. Internet votes will propel me to victory. Besides, I am superior to all the other candidates – intellectually. I’ll definitely nail this question and answer portion.

Mayor Duterte: Wala akong pakialam kung manalo man ako o matalo. ‘Tang-i*a, pageant lang ‘yan!

Alma Moreno: Huh? Kailangan pa ba talagang itanong ‘yan?

New Leader
It has been announced that Vice President Binay topped the latest Pulse Asia survey on preferred candidates for president. Critics are hoping Steve Harvey was the one who made the announcement.

1Card
Reality Bites
Earlier this year, President Aquino went out on a date with Pia Wurtzbach. And that was it. The other day, Kris Aquino told some reporters, “I don’t think she liked Noy.” I don’t think we should be surprised at all.
——————————————————————————————————————————————–
“I wanna show the universe that I am confidently beautiful with a heart.”
~Miss Universe 2015 Pia Wurtzbach

Sound Bites
“I don’t want to run for the Senate because I can’t answer the questions you asked Alma Moreno.”
~Annabelle Rama to Karen Davila

Burn!
One of the most RTd Miss Universe-related tweets was posted by singer-comedienne Ethel Booba, a response to Bayan Muna’s Teddy Casiño’s reaction to Pia’s answer in the Q&A round
1Card

Congratulations Philippines! Finally!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: MissUniverse.com, Pia Wurtzbach:IG]





DOUBLE DARE

17 12 2015

1MD
Daring
Liberal Party candidate Mar Roxas has challenged Mayor Rodrigo Duterte to a fist fight. Earlier this week, Roxas has also dared Duterte to slap him. Many people seem to be surprised at how the LP bet has been behaving lately. They say Mar  has exposed his other side to the public – tough, daring, brave, fearless – for the first time. Which is completely false and unfair since he first showed those qualities to us the day he married Korina Sanchez.

Appeal
In the spirit of Christmas, Nancy Binay has appealed to both Mayor Rodrigo Duterte and Mar Roxas to stop bashing each other. Nancy’s call for peace has impressed her critics, and upset his father.

The Presidency
A new study has revealed that leading a country shaves three years off a politician’s life expectancy. In totally unrelated news, netizens have just launched the Jinggoy Estrada and Bong Revilla for President Movement.

1AlmaPic6
Alma Matters?
In 2016, only the Top 12 candidates for senator will get Senate seats. In the latest Pulse Asia survey, actress-politician Alma Moreno managed to place 20th only. Alma was still thankful to her supporters – while netizens were thankful to Karen Davila.

Pacquiao
According to the same survey, Manny Pacquiao, the Lower House’s top absentee has made it to the Magic 12. In fact, Pacquiao was in 7th to 10th place. Which begs the question, when will Karen Davila invite him as guest?

Cocktale
A Saudi millionaire was cleared of raping an 18-year-old girl, when the judge accepted his alibi that he accidentally tripped and fell on her: his erect penis penetrating her vagina in the process. The millionaire is now a free man and the judge who freed him is now a millionaire.

Simbang Tabi
The CBCP reminded couples, especially those in girlfriend-boyfriend relationships that “Simbang Gabi is for worship, not for courtship.” In response, Catholic teenage lovers who are regular attendees of Simbang Gabi say they will heed the CBCP’s advice. No more Simbang Gabi for them; somewhere else instead.

1RatingPep
Most Searched
According to Google Philippines, “AlDub” was the “most searched” term for 2015. Which was a bit ironic because the one that’s actually lost was “Showtime.”
—————————————————————————————————————————————————–
“The best thing about this group of candidates is that only one of them can win.”
~Will Rogers

Sound Bites
“Pag-magkita kami sa isang kanto dito sa kampanya, sampalin ko yang gagong yan.”
~Mayor Rodrigo Duterte reacting to Mar Roxas’s claim that Davao City has the fourth highest number of crime incidents among Philippine cities in 2014

“Gawin mo na lang kung anong gusto mong gawin. At sampalan? Bakit pa sampalan, pambabae ‘yan, suntukan na lang? ‘Di ba?”
~Mar Roxas to Mayor Duterte

Have a greet weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Roxas/Duterte: Inquirer.net; Alma Moreno: ANC ; AlDub: PEP]





THE JOB INTERVIEW (Awkwaaard!)

11 12 2015

1DuterteCay
Leading
In a recent survey commissioned by a Davao-based businessman, Social Weather Stations asked the respondents: “Kasama dito si Rodrigo Duterte bilang isang substitute candidate. Sino po ang malamang ninyong iboboto bilang PRESIDENTE NG PILIPINAS, kung ang eleksyon ay gaganapin ngayon?” Results showed Mayor Duterte was leading. Very much like the survey question.

Solution
Mayor Rodrigo Duterte says to rid the country of corruption and felony, five criminals must be killed every week. If strictly followed, it would still take 65 days to totally wipe out Congress.

Wrong Number
Davao City Mayor Rodrigo Duterte has denied rumors he had killed 700 people. During an ambush interview, the presidential aspirant clarified he killed “around 1,700” – the same number of jokes that have come out of his mouth since he declared his bid for the presidency.

Curfew
If elected president, Mayor Rodrigo Duterte will impose a 1 AM curfew for commercial establishments in the National Capital Region. In other news, the results of the latest NCR survey are out. From first place in November, Duterte has now dropped to fourth.

Job Interview
They say running for president is like applying for a job. Here’s what could happen if we interview them.

Applicant: Jejomar Binay
Boss (Filipinos): Where do you see yourself in five years?

Binay: In a house.

Boss: Vacation?

Binay: House arrest.

Applicant: Rodrigo Duterte
Boss: Why should we hire you?

*Duterte pulls out a gun*

Boss: When do you wanna start?

Applicant: Grace Poe
Boss: What are your weaknesses?

Poe: Numbers.

Boss: Math?

Poe: No. Counting, especially months and years.

Applicant: Mar Roxas
Boss: What are your salary requirements?

Mar: Salary? Ha-ha-ha! SALARY!? Bwa-ha-ha!

Boss:

Mar: Sorry. Natawa talaga ako. Mapera na ako. I just wanna win.

Applicant: Grace Poe
Boss: Are you a leader or a follower?

Poe: I’m an American.

Boss:

Poe: Just kidding! I got you there. Ha-ha-ha! Biro lang.

Applicant: Jejomar Binay
Boss: What did you like least about your last job?

Binay: Ahmmm… the City Hall 2 parking.

Boss:

Binay: And my vice mayor too.

Applicant: Rodrigo Duterte
Boss: Why do you want this job?

Duterte: I don’t! Napilitan lang talaga.

Boss:

Duterte: O, ba’t ganyan ka tumingin? ‘Yan ang totoo eh. Anong magagawa ko?! Pisti!

Applicant: Jejomar Binay
Boss: Have you ever been fired from a job?

Binay: May tsismis pa lang. Baka raw sa February. ‘Di ko pa sure. Let’s see.

Applicant: Mar Roxas
Boss: How would you deal with an angry or irate customer?

Mar: No. The question should be: How would you deal with an angry or irate me?

Boss:

Mar: Seryoso! Nagmumura ako ‘pag galit.

Applicant: Grace Poe
Boss: Where were you born?

Poe:

Boss: Awkwaaaaard. Sorry. Let me rephrase the question.

Applicant: Mayor Duterte
Boss: How would you fire someone?

Duterte:

Boss: Awkwaaaard! Let me rephrase the question again.

Applicant: Mar Roxas
Boss: Aside from your wife, what is your biggest weakness?

Mar:

Boss: Awkwaaaard! Sorry. Let me reph

Mar: Don’t. Actually, s’ya talaga.

Applicant: Jejomar Binay
Boss: To answer your question, no, you don’t call us. We will call you.

Binay: Kesyo ba pandak, nognog, mahirap… hindi na matatanggap?

Boss: Oo. Gano’n na nga.

Binay:

Boss: Awkwaaaaard! Joke lang.

1DT
Trump
Republican candidate Donald Trump wants to ban Muslims from entering the United States. The outspoken businessman has been attacking Muslims recently. He’s got some really harsh words for them – fueling speculations he was molested by an imam when he was a freshman high school.

Businessman and potential Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has proposed to ban all Muslims from entering the United States. In response, Muslims have proposed to ban assholes from entering the presidential elections.
———————————————————————————————————-
“Neither a man nor a crowd nor a nation can be trusted to act humanely or to think sanely under the influence of a great fear.”
~ Bertrand Russell, Unpopular Essays

Sound Bites
“Ang gobyerno o ang mga tao na umaabuso sa mga karapatang pantao ay lumalabag sa International Human Rights at walang karapatang mamuno sa ating bansa.”
~Sen. Grace Poe

Uphold the law.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Poe/Roxas/Binay: Inquirer.net; Duterte/Cayetano: GMA Network; Donald Trump: Business Insider]








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